Work Text:
’ve decided to write this out, to try and get this all out of my head so I can get back to working on my latest project. This’ll be kinda like a blueprint, I guess - something I’ll spend enough time on that I feel I can move on from and maybe come back to it later. And, I mean, I keep coming back to this, and if it wasn’t so important it’d be ridiculously distracting.
It’s stupid. It’s so, so stupid of me to worry about it but I’m not sure exactly what else to do. I’m not exactly the bravest, or the smartest, or the strongest, and if I were any of those things I’m sure this would be so much easier.
If
I need
…I’m also not the best with words, clearly.
For once I’m trying to sit down and think this through, not just slam a bunch of words onto paper in the hope of them making the vaguest sense. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage for any of this. I don’t know if it will matter in the long run, or if you don’t already know. Like I said, it’s stupid - we’re the best friends in the whole world, aren’t we? I’ve only known you for a few months, but they’ve been, by far, the best months of my life. Even if I’m now fearing for my life on a substantially more regular basis.
And it’s not like I care if things change, or if they don’t. If you don’t feel the same, that’s fine. I’ve been happy with us up to this point. But sometimes - sometimes I just gotta say something, you know? And then I find I can’t even get it out into words, even to myself, and it just turns into me rambling onto a spare scrap of paper I had lying around in the dead of night. Like right now. Like exactly right now.
Kind of off-topic-ly relevant, it’s not why I’ve been doing it but it’s the kinda thing that makes sense in retrospect - me trying to prove my worth as a fighter so some day I’ll be able to stand up with you guys, even slightly. You guys are all pretty much the only family I’ve got, and to have accepted me into your life like you did… I’ve got to pay it back in some regard, right? Even if it’s just me being able to take care of my own?
You, of course, would say my friendship is enough. And that’s exactly why -
You’re all too nice. Compared to angry spiritfolk who never want to be friends - even when Ashe was kind of a jerk when we first met - you guys are the absolute best and just…
Fine. I am going to try to write out these words as they clearly want to come out from this stream of conversation. It was the entire point of me writing this in the first place (I just took a deep breath). Here it goes:
I am in love with you. I am head over fucking heels in love with you and I have already come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter in the slightest. You’re happy, I’m happy. Even if I worry about our future - my future and yours, separately, although also the group’s as a whole because we almost die a lot - probably too often. I’m going to tell you sometime. I just - I don’t know when. It doesn’t matter, so why do I need to say it? Maybe because you’ll say “I do too”? Or you won’t, but we’ll move on and things will be fine anyway? Or you’ll misinterpret it as a friendship thing which, to be fair, I am also in love with you in the friendship sense but I am in love with everybody in the friendship sense.
Except Dont. She smells.
I’ll put this in a pocket or something and… maybe it’ll be relevant someday. Maybe the last words I manage on a war-torn battlefield, or maybe I’ll somehow work up the courage to tell you tomorrow (not likely), or maybe I’ve already told you when we were drunk and we’ve long since forgotten about it (or you haven’t, and are just waiting for me to say it first - or you’re afraid of hurting my feelings, but c’mon, I bounce back with the best of them). And, I mentioned that you might already know, but… it seems pretty unlikely. You’re not quite as observant as you think you are; or maybe you’re just that good at hiding it? Props, man, whichever it is.
The sun is starting to rise. Wow, I lost track of time working on this. I… probably won’t get to finish the new thing I started a couple hours (?) ago - trust me, you’ll love it, it’s a surprise - but whenever I get up I’ll stop by the bar, if you guys didn’t leave without me again (I’ve forgiven you guys for it twice over, if that sounded bitter at all).
Maybe we’ll even go on an adventure. I’ve got a couple bags pre-packed for if/when the next one happens. And, yeah, places like Onorhant might be scary (and deadly), but I’d travel to the ends of the world - and beyond, I mean, Hell’s a real place, right? - if you guys were there beside me.
That’s… all I really have to say, I guess. I’m going to go to sleep, with another hopefully great day on the horizon, but because I don’t think it had enough impact the first time - and you know me, I’m all about impact - I’ll reiterate:
I love you, Markus Velafi. Don’t forget that.