Chapter Text
She was lying in her bed, staring up at the ceiling when the realization washed over her like cold water.
Oh, she was making a fool of herself. This had gone so differently in her head. Then again, what had she been expecting? That he would be rough around the edges, and she’d be the first one to break through to the soft center inside? That he’d “show her a side of himself he never lets anyone see”? That was a wonderful story, but that wasn’t what was happening here. He found her annoying, her voice grating, and her presence a nuisance. She interrupted his time alone and tried to get to know him when he was closed off and had no interest in opening up.
She looked like an idiot in front of him and the demon in his head.
With a man like that, she’d be lucky to get a hasty, dirty fuck in the pantry before he unceremoniously kicked her out of his cot.
She was ashamed of the brief moment she seriously considered accepting that.
She was part of the Veilguard for Maker’s sake! She shouldn’t lower herself that badly. She refused to be the kind of person other people look at and think “oh honey, really? this?”.
But she’d made a terrible mistake latching on to the one person in the entire Lighthouse who couldn’t make it more obvious how much he did not like anyone.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He seemed willing to engage Emmrich in polite discussions, and he didn’t appear to be faking his interest in wyverns with Taash… Okay, perhaps Lucanis was just waving a giant banner displaying “I don’t like you” at Rook. Which…hurt, admittedly. But it wasn’t like they had to like each other to work together. It also wasn’t like every single person in the Lighthouse openly disliked her. Just Lucanis.
She just…wished she knew what she had done to make him so visibly against her as a concept. Had she come off way too strong at the start? Perhaps she got in his personal space too much during introductions, or maybe she gave off too much of a “know it all” attitude. Or the opposite, maybe every word that left her mouth gave Lucanis the impression that she was entirely too stupid to be a part of the Veilguard at all. That might explain the tightening of his fist or the glare in his eyes when she spoke, or even just entered the room.
It wouldn’t be so embarrassing if she hadn’t originally thought he might reciprocate her feelings. Bumping into each other in the hall, when she’d sit on the counter and talk with him while he cooked for the group, brushing fingers if they reached for the same book in the library. Moments that, at the time, she had framed in her mind as being romantic and sure-fire proof he felt something for her as well. Now they were all reframed to depict her as the ditzy girl who wasn’t getting the hints and couldn’t take no for an answer.
It almost compelled her to go to his room when he was alone and plead her case—assure him she understood now and that she hadn’t intentionally clung to him like a bad rash. That she would be better from now on, and to please let her know right at that moment if she was doing anything at all to make him uncomfortable. But changed behavior was the best apology, wasn’t it? The best way to show him she’d gotten the message was to put that into practice right away.
Sure, maybe she was taking it all a bit seriously, but it was starting to hurt to see him slowly relaxing around everyone—and then stiffen right back up when she made her presence known.
Because she was not some precious thing and he was not going to start peeling back the layers he’d crafted to protect himself and bare his vulnerable underbelly to her in some act of pleading trust. They were going to work together and then go their separate ways once all of this was done and she’d only ever occupy a tiny corner of his mind whenever he thought back on his time in the Lighthouse and remembered “that woman that spoke like she had something important to say”.