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Megumi has been uncharacteristically quiet.
Well, Megumi being quiet isn’t really something unusual, but after having had the boy in his care for nearly ten years, Satoru has learned to distinguish between Megumi’s different silences. He can tell that something is off today.
He remembers how it was when Megumi first arrived at his home after a social service worker brought him. The young boy barely ever talked. He wasn’t afraid to say what he disliked, but having actual conversations had been very hard. Most of the time, Megumi would just keep to himself. It took Satoru at least a year before Megumi started to utter sentences instead of just simple, practical sentences here and there.
Obviously, Megumi didn’t suddenly become an extrovert or particularly outgoing kid. He was still reserved and quiet, but he didn’t look at if he was surviving more than living anymore. And that was more than enough for Satoru. He learned that the boy liked dogs so, one day, Satoru came home with two puppies —a black and a white one whose names he let Megumi choose. He’ll never forget the beaming smile on eight-year-old Megumi’s face as he first played with the puppies.
After that, Megumi opened up more and more to him, slowly but surely letting Satoru in. And Satoru surprised himself by doing the same. He, who isn’t really used to opening up to people either, found himself wanting this kid to know him— really know him. Outside of their house, Megumi wasn’t a very social boy, but it was different when he was in their house.
Satoru felt genuinely touched by the fact that Megumi deemed the household he provided him to be safe. He doesn’t know all the details about Megumi’s life before the boy came into his life, but he knows enough. It’s been clear very early on that Megumi has attachment issues —understandably— and so Satoru has always tried his best to show him that he was, and still is, here whenever Megumi needs him, that he isn’t going to leave.
Satoru has his fair share of personal issues as well and more often than not, he finds himself understanding Megumi. Obviously they both express themselves differently. Where Satoru tends to be overly affectionate and cheerful when he’s feeling down, Megumi tends to become withdrawn. But at the end of the day, they both understand and need each other.
All in all, Satoru is used to Megumi’s silence.
“Megs? you okay?” Satoru asks tentatively as he sets the plates on the table. He tries to hide his worry from his tone but then Megumi frowns when he looks up at him so he guesses he hasn’t done a really good job.
“Why do you ask?”
Satoru hums. To anyone else, Megumi would have probably sounded rude but, given his contradictory body language, Satoru guesses the young man is trying to appear nonchalant. “You just seem… down.” He says, for lack of a better word.
Megumi averts his gaze and hums. Satoru bites his bottom lip so as to stop himself from talking because, clearly, Megumi doesn’t want to continue this conversation.
After so many years spent living together, he wishes Megumi would automatically talk to him whenever something is wrong. But Satoru knows better than to force someone to talk when they don’t want to, so he keeps to himself and waits. Still, he can’t help but reopen his mouth one last time, “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
Megumi turns his head back in his direction and eyes him suspiciously for a few moments. It must be the first time that Satoru truly has no idea what thoughts may be going through the young man’s head right now.
At last, Megumi hums and averts his eyes again. Then, “I know,” he mutters. It’s been said so quietly that Satoru almost missed it completely. But he didn’t. And Megumi knows he can tell him anything. Satoru smiles softly, that’ll be enough for now.
He’s still smiling when he looks at Megumi. “Right,” he says, “Let’s eat.”
Megumi nods and, although it lasts half a second before his face returns to a neutral expression, Satoru thinks he saw the ghost of a smile on Megumi’s face. He knows better than to address it now, though.
Both men sit down and eat their dinner in silence, although this one is a comfortable one.
It isn’t until they’ve eaten their dessert, made popcorn and hot chocolate and sat on the couch for their weekly movie night that Megumi decides to voice what’s been bothering him.
“You like men, right?” He asks as he faces Satoru.
Satoru chokes on his drink, definitely not expecting that this was the direction their conversation would take. “Um, yeah?” He frowns, confused. It’s not like it’s a secret, Satoru is openly bisexual.
Megumi hums, “You like women too, right?”
“...Yeah?” Satoru’s frown deepens. “I don’t care about the gender of the person I like.”
Megumi hums again, before he turns around and regains his initial position facing the TV. Satoru eyes him for several seconds, dumbfounded and waiting for the boy to add something else to this strange conversation but Megumi doesn’t.
Satoru really would like to continue that conversation, though. He’s never been great with patience but, well, he also knows very well that this isn’t a conversation one has to have when they’re not ready. So if Satoru needs to shut up and wait in order for Megumi to figure himself out, or to decide to talk about it with him, then that’s what he’ll do.
He faces the TV in turn and starts the movie they chose the day prior. Satoru glances every so often to the side just to make sure Megumi is okay and he feels his heart break a little when he watches the younger man change position so that he’s hugging his knees. Megumi’s expression definitely doesn’t match that of a kid watching a movie he enjoys. Satoru feels submerged by parental urge to comfort him. He really, really wants to hug him but he also knows that Megumi isn’t a fan of physical contact, especially overly affectionate gestures like that one, so he’s kind of afraid to make things worse.
He watches as Megumi rests his chin on top of his knees and sighs in defeat. Satoru gulps. “I think there’s something wrong with me,” the boy mumbles quietly. His voice gets muffled by the blanket, the only reason Satoru managed to hear it at all is that he’s been attuned to every single movement from the boy ever since their dinner.
“What do you mean by that?” Satoru asks, trying his best to keep his voice even. He doesn’t want to just outrightly say that there is nothing wrong with him because he’s pretty sure Megumi wouldn’t believe him, or think that it’s just his fatherly, biased opinion. Satoru guesses that what Megumi needs right now is to be listened to.
“I don’t like anyone.”
Satoru hums. “How is that a problem?”
“I–” Megumi starts but he stops himself. He frowns and sighs and Satoru can see clearly how genuinely bothered the boy appears to be. Satoru discreetly moves his body closer to Megumi in an attempt to bring him some comfort. “Everyone at school seems to have crushes. I swear I hear them mention a different person almost every two days! I–” Megumi exclaims and then groans.
Satoru notices the way the boy is playing with his fingers unconsciously, something that the older man has learned through the years to recognize as a sign of anxiety. Megumi’s voice is quieter when he reopens his mouth, “I never felt that way. I just don’t understand, is all.”
Satoru hums again, a way for him to let Megumi know that he’s listening. He tries to think of a way to reply but he surprises himself when he finds nothing. He doesn’t really know what to say, and he’s pretty sure that saying something like “I understand” will be utterly useless, in addition to being false.
“You know,” Satoru starts, drawing Megumi’s attention. The boy looks at him as if Satoru is about to give him the answer to the universe, and Satoru feels his heart ping. He wishes he had the answers to every single of Megumi’s questions, but unfortunately he doesn’t. That’s not how it works. “No one really understands love, crushes and such. Those are not concepts one can master.”
“Yeah but–” Megumi stops himself and redirects his eyes on the TV, tightening his grip around his knees. “What if there’s something broken inside of me? What if I just… can’t feel love?”
Satoru hears a sniffle and, as if on instinct, he immediately surges forward to capture the younger man in a bear hug. Megumi doesn’t really reciprocate, not immediately at least, but he doesn’t push Satoru away either. In fact, Satoru can feel the boy’s head leaning against his shoulder — that’s the only sign he needs in order to tighten his grip.
“There are different types of love, Megs.” Satoru starts, voice quiet but firm, as he caresses Megumi’s arms soothingly. “Even if you don’t feel romantic love now, that doesn’t mean you won’t one day. And even if you never do, that doesn’t mean something is broken inside of you. There is nothing broken inside of you, Megumi.” He emphasizes as he tightens his embrace around the boy even more. “You do feel love.”
Megumi sniffles again and there’s a small sob that escapes his lips. “How can you be so sure?” His voice is so uncharacteristically shy and broken, Satoru feels as if his own heart had just been ripped out of his chest.
Satoru smiles, “I see it everyday,” He replies simply. He can’t see Megumi’s face, but he knows the boy is frowning, so he continues. “You love our dogs, you love that series you force me to watch with you every other day, you love these comics I buy you, you love ice cream, you love your friends. And I could go on and on. There’s so much love in every corner of your life, Megumi.”
Megumi’s hands fist Satoru’s shirt and he raises his head to look at him. His eyes are still wet, but there seems to be a little less sadness than before. Satoru isn’t sure if what he just said made sense, but he spoke with his heart. Still, he feels the need to add, “I’m sorry I can’t help you understand yourself better. I’m sorry I don’t understand how you feel. But I can promise you this—you are not broken. And there definitely isn’t anything wrong with you.”
He feels like he’s repeating himself, but there’s nothing he said that he doesn’t mean, so he doesn’t care. He watches as new tears flow down Megumi’s cheeks and for a second, Satoru is scared he messed up. But then Megumi’s face breaks into a huge smile and Satoru feels as if a weight had just been lifted off his shoulders.
“I never needed you to understand,” Megumi mutters. “I’m just happy you haven’t questioned me. You listened and you trusted me, believed me. That’s already way more than enough.”
Satoru sniffles, damn this kid, he hadn’t even realized that he’s started crying too. He can’t help the huge grin from growing on his face as he wipes his tearful cheeks. Megumi smiles teasingly at him and Satoru scoffs playfully. Oh how Satoru loves seeing his kid smile.
“If you want, I can grab my laptop and we can do some research. You know, like when I took that ‘Am I gay quiz?’ back when I was your age.” He jokes and Megumi snorts, breaking into laughter. Satoru can’t help but laugh with him. Megumi’s laugh, however rare, has always been communicative.
“Yeah,” Megumi says, still giggling a bit. “I’d like that,” He adds, more softly.
Satoru nods and smiles. Then, he gets up to go grab his laptop and he’s back on the couch in no time. Both men start their research, Megumi sitting comfortably against Satoru’s side. Their movie on the TV long forgotten, they spend two hours looking at many different websites, videos and podcasts before Megumi feels confident enough to put a name on what he’s feeling.
“I think aromantic is the term? I don’t really know much about it yet, but apparently it’s a spectrum. I’m probably somewhere in it.”
Satoru listens and nods, reading the definition Megumi pulled out. “Well it definitely is similar to what you described to me,” he says, smiling.
Megumi smiles back, “Yeah.”
Satoru doesn’t really have a word to properly describe it but, as he looks at Megumi, the boy looks… lighter. He can’t help but grin at the sight before he slips his arm around Megumi’s neck. “C’me here,” He says as he brings the boy closer to him in a side hug. Megumi groans a bit, albeit without any real animosity, and reciprocates the hug.
“I’m glad you found something that resonates with you, Megs.” Satoru says with as much sincerity in his voice as he can muster. “And I’m glad you chose to tell me about it. I couldn’t be more proud of you. Love you, kid.”
Megumi raises his head to look at him before he blushes slightly and buries his head in Satoru’s neck, groaning sheepishly. Satoru didn’t miss the smile on the boy’s face, though. He chuckles fondly.
“Thanks…dad. Love you, too.”
Satoru blinks, his brain stops, before he promptly chokes on his saliva. He thought Megumi would just get embarrassed, as he usually is whenever Satoru gets sentimental, but he never expected Megumi to actually reply. And even less with that.
He’s rendered completely powerless to the new tears that flow freely down his cheeks as he silently tightens his grip around Megumi’s body in turn. Then, he leans down to drop a kiss on top of the boy’s head and smiles when Megumi giggles in his chest.
Megumi doesn’t let go just yet, and neither does Satoru.
They may be imperfect, an unusual family, but they are family. No matter what happens, they’ll always have each other.