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You’ve been giving Vernon the cold shoulder for almost a week now. Five months into your relationship and the two of you have not really fought a lot. Vernon was a sweet, nice guy who didn’t give you much to worry about and you considered yourself as a level-headed person who wouldn’t start a fight for shallow reasons. So for the first few months, you had a smooth-sailing relationship. Until that day.
You stayed up late studying for your accounting quiz only for you to fail it. This put you in a sour mood that you couldn’t focus on preparing for your law class recitation. Speaking in front of the class has always made you nervous so you tried your best not to fuck things up by studying for hours on end. But that day was just not your day.
Your professor called you up to recite and your mind just went blank. You could barely grasp what he was saying so you asked him to clarify his question. He replied to you so condescendingly that it made you feel small. Your hands started to get clammy and you were trying hard not to shake. Sensing that you could not answer his questions, your professor gave up on you and made you sit down. Everyone knew what that meant — the professor thinks you did not study enough since you could not answer his questions, thus, earning you a low grade.
Another student volunteered and she answered so confidently, making it feel like she just answered the easiest question in the world. At that moment, you just couldn’t hear anything anymore. The whole class felt so silent that it made you immediately conclude that they were looking down on you. How could she not keep up with the professor’s questions? It was too easy.
After the class, you saw your friend, Youngji, hurriedly coming up to you. You sensed that she would try to comfort you and honestly, seeing the sorry look on her face would only make you feel embarassed. So without looking her in the eye, you quickly told her that you had to meet up with your boyfriend and hurriedly left the classroom.
In times like this, it is only your boyfriend who could calm you down. And so, you went straight to the bar just near your campus. Vernon and his bandmates play there during Wednesdays. Being a supportive girlfriend, of course, you never missed any of his performances. And you just know that seeing your boyfriend play his guitar, feeling like he owned the stage, would at least alleviate the pain you were feeling.
Walking to the bar, you were feeling kind of hopeful. You were so ready to see your resting place at the end of the day.
But just as you entered the bar, you spotted Vernon talking to a girl. And not just any girl, it was Jennie — one of the most popular girls in your campus. She had that sweet but seductive smile on her face. And then you noticed her being a little too close to Vernon and subtly touching his arms. And your boyfriend was even smiling at her. It was that awkward smile of his, when he was getting shy. How could she have that effect on him?
You did not want to see more of the scene so you immediately left. You went straight to your condo, trying very hard not to cry about your problems. You decided that you were just going to watch movies the whole night and eat ice cream. You ordered some pizza, too. You did not want to think about Vernon or your stupid law class or your failed quiz. This was how you handled your problems when they become too much — with such stoicism, trying to let the universe know that no matter how hard it tried to fuck up your life, you won’t let it affect you.
After two movies, you decided to finally check your phone. There were a couple of messages and missed calls from Vernon.
“Babe, where are you? The gig is about to start.”
“Hey, babe, we just finished our set. Where are you?”
“I’m assuming you’re busy studying since you’re on DND. Tough week at school?”
“Hey, I figured I’ll stop disturbing you if you’re studying. But call me tomorrow, okay, babe? Love you.”
Oh, Vernon, yes, it was a tough week at school, and seeing you with another girl just made it worse. You left him on read and slept the pain away.
The next day, you still saw each other at school for lunch. You didn’t tell him what was bothering you since you wanted to pretend that you had no problem with some girl being all over him. But then, you also could not let the thought go so your passive-aggressive self gave him the cold shoulder.
“Babe, where were you? We didn’t see each other yesterday.” he said with a pout that you often find cute, but right now, all it did was fuel your annoyance.
“I was just tired, Vernon.” you said with no energy in you.
“Aw, you poor baby. You want to have lunch at Eric’s? It’s a newly opened restaurant. Cheol said it’s good.”
You didn’t know if he was dense or just really trying to make light of the situation but you didn’t care. You were annoyed and that’s it.
“Nah, I’m too tired to go outside the campus. I’ll just stay in the cafeteria. You could go with Cheol and the others though, if you really want to.”
“Huh? I don’t wanna go there without you, baby. I’ll just go with you.” he said in that baby voice of his. Ugh.
You ate quickly, focusing too much on your food. Vernon was talking but you would just give him dry answers. He eventually fell silent, finally sensing that you were not in the mood. From the corner of your eye, you could see him watching his cat videos. How could he just sit there and be on his phone, when you were having such a tough time?
“Hey, Vernon. I have to get going to class now. We need to be early today since we have a quiz.”
“Oh okay, you take care, baby. Good luck!” he said, obviously shocked at your sudden leaving.
Later that day, you were still being cold and Vernon couldn’t take it anymore.
“Baby, are you okay?” he said as he ran his hand through your arm, eyes filled with concern.
It made you feel so weak when he was like this. It almost made you want to forget what happened but you saw what you saw. And the timing could not have been worse.
“I’m just really tired, Vern.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
“Not really. I just wanna get through this semester.”
“Okay. But baby, I’m here when you need someone okay?”
He wrapped his arm around you. It felt so warm to be there. But no, you were still mad.
You gave him a small smile, “Thanks, Vernon.”
“Vernon?” he said, pouting, “Not baby?”
At his puppy dog eyes, you allowed yourself to give in a little.
“Okay, baby.”
“I love you, baby.”
“Me too, baby.” And that was why it hurt.
In all honesty, you were kind of feeling bad. You knew Vernon was worried about you and he was being nice trying to give you space. It’s hard being hard on him. But a part of you also wanted him to know why you were feeling out of it. You wish he weren’t that dense. You wish that sometimes he would push the answer out of you instead of giving you space. That way, you’ll be forced to talk things out with him.
But you’ve always been so non-confrontational. You overthink that maybe your problems aren’t that serious, that maybe you’re just being too shallow. You did not want to be that kind of girl. So here you are, pretending that nothing is wrong with you.
You had a business case presentation this week so you wanted to keep your mind off of Vernon and your academic mishaps. Thankfully, you and your partner, Joshua did well. The two of you received good feedback from your professors. Finally. A win after everything that has happened. Maybe you could go easier on Vernon this time and forget about all that happened. Maybe later, you’ll go to talk to him.
Joshua was really happy too. You walked out of the classroom together and engaged in a bit of small talk. He was a really smart guy. Handsome and soft-spoken, too. You know a lot of girls were into him and his future girlfriend would be so lucky. You get his charms but of course, you already had Vernon. No one else could compare.
The two of you were laughing about how worried you guys got only for the two of you to have the best presentation in class (as your professor said). You told each other that you’ll try not to get too anxious next time anymore and that you were both pretty sure you’ll get a 4.0 in class. He eventually bid his goodbye since he had a class after. As for you, well, you were meeting up with your boyfriend.
You turned and saw Vernon right away. With a sour look on his face.
You rarely saw him like this. Even when he was tired or sad, he would always try to brush off his feelings, not wanting to ruin the mood. This thought just reminded you of how undeserving you are of Vernon again. He was the nicest guy in the world, but there you are, making things hard for him just because you couldn’t control your emotions.
“Hey, you okay?” you said, a bit of worry in your voice.
“That’s Joshua Hong, right?”
“Yeah, he’s my partner for our business case.”
“Oh, how was it?”
“It went well. Our prof was really pleased with us.”
“Cool. Well, congrats to you two.”
That felt odd. Usually, Vernon would be all excited when you told him about even the smallest of your wins. But now, he seemed so nonchalant about it.
You had your lunch and he was being quiet. Well, he did become a bit quiet since you were giving him the cold shoulder but this time he felt more distant. You know you’ve been pretty much ignoring him for a few days now, but it felt awkward when he was ignoring you too.
“Hey, Vern, you want my dumplings?” you said, trying to lighten up the atmosphere.
“No, it’s okay, Stella.”
Okay? He really was being cold. He would usually be happy with eating your extra food but now he was just silent, focused on eating his own meal. Despite this, he still walked you to your next class but with no warm goodbye this time. And then, you never heard from him the whole day.
The day after, you received a message from him saying that he can’t meet you today since he was too busy with band practice. But you knew he was just ignoring you. You knew that if he were really just busy, your boyfriend would still try to slip in some time to be with you.
So he’s the one mad now? Maybe it really was your fault. Your boyfriend was being patient with you despite your sour mood for the past few days. And now, he’s had enough. Oh god. You knew it. One of these days, Vernon was going to give up on you. If you were just smarter, prettier, more understanding and stable. If you were just better…
And now, you feel sadder than ever. And so, as usual, you drowned yourself in school work to forget about your problems.
Once you got back to your unit, you immediately reached for your laptop to get some papers done. They were due tomorrow and you just were just so determined to be productive when you were sad. You were about to start your paper when a blue screen appears on your laptop. Oh shit. What were you going to do now?
You’ve spent thirty minutes trying to Google how to troubleshoot your issue. But you were never really good at these things. It was always Vernon fixing it up for you. Have you been that reliant on him? You’ve always considered yourself as a strong, independent woman but when Vernon came into your life, he just did his best so you wouldn’t have to do things on your own. And you’re afraid that you got used to the feeling.
But you can’t really call him right now so you call your friend, Youngji, instead.
“Youngji.”
“What’s up?”
“I have a laptop problem. Blue screen. I have papers due tomorrow.”
“Oh no. I’d love to lend you my laptop but you know I live far away and then there’s the traffic.”
You sighed. How were you even going to get through this?
“Just borrow Vernon’s laptop. Actually, you can even ask him to fix your laptop for you, he’s good with things like that, right?”
You didn’t speak.
“Stella.”
“Youngji, you know I can’t.”
“How long have the two of you been fighting? Come on, Stella. You’re having a hard time and I can see that your boyfriend is, too. You can’t keep going like this, you know? You have to talk to him.”
“I will. In time.”
“And when is that? Whatever, Stella. I’m calling Vernon to go to your unit right now.”
“Youngji — “
And then she hung up. Ugh, this was the worst. Was she really going to do it?
You got your answer when you heard someone knocking on your door five minutes later. You were in the same building as Vernon so it was just easy for him to get to you.
You opened the door to see him, standing outside your door, looking impatient.
Without any greeting, he handed you his laptop.
“You can use mine for the meanwhile. Let me see yours.”
You took his laptop and led Vernon to your desk. He checked your laptop and did the troubleshooting stuff he did that you never really understood.
The atmosphere was so awkward. You just stood there in silence while he worked on your laptop. And he was being serious, not talking to you. After a few minutes, you just could not take it anymore.
“Vernon, I don’t like this.”
“What is it, Stella?” he said, looking up from your laptop screen, his face hard.
“I’m tired.” you said, letting yourself fall down on your floor.
“Of what? Our relationship?”
You looked at him, a bit shocked. You could see the frustration in his eyes. Was he feeling tired of your relationship? Was he finally sick of you?
“No, it’s not that, baby. Why would you think that?”
“The other day you were with Joshua Hong.”
“What?” you said with a confused look on your face.
Was he jealous of Joshua? Why would he be?
“You were with him and you looked happy. You guys were laughing so much.”
“Vern, that was nothing!”
He sat down, joining you on the floor. You can sense that he was mad but he was still trying to calm himself down.
“You’ve been really off the past few days. And you were being cold to me. I tried to not complain about it and give you the space you need. But then one day, I see you being all chummy with Joshua Hong. And I can’t help but think that you can be happy when you’re with other people, but it’s not the same case for me. Maybe you were already sick of me.”
Oh, Vernon. How could he ever think that? He was the person you loved most in the world. Other guys, even the likes of Joshua Hong, do not even stand a chance.
“It just hurts me seeing you like that, Stella. Showing this attitude towards others and then treating me the opposite way.”
“Vernon, there is nothing going on with me and Joshua. Or any other guy for that matter. I only love you.”
He looked at you, eyes full of hurt. You could not bear seeing him like this. You could not even bear the thought of Vernon thinking that you would ever stop loving him.
“I just don’t want us to be like this anymore. I don’t wanna fight.” you said, defeated.
“Baby, we don’t have to fight.” he said, clearly frustrated.
He held your hand, rubbing it with his thumb.
Tears started to fall down your face. He wiped them away, trying to comfort you.
“But tell me… What happened? You weren’t okay the past few days.” he said, eyebrows scrunching in worry.
“Vern, it’s just that… I saw you, okay? At the bar. With Jennie.”
“Is that why you’ve been ignoring me? Why you didn’t go watch our gig?”
“She’s been all over you. And you looked like you were having fun too.”
“Stella, if you stayed a bit longer, you would have known that I tried to keep my distance when I noticed that she was being a bit touchy. I’m sorry it took me long to notice that she was flirting. I was just happy because I thought she genuinely appreciated our music until I realized she was just talking to me and not to the other band members. But I swear I moved away and excused myself the moment I noticed it. And then I was trying to contact you, but you wouldn’t answer me.”
Oh god. You just made a horrible assumption about your boyfriend. You didn’t even ask him about the situation. And that all led to this stupid fight. You felt bad that you thought of your boyfriend that way, but you just could not help it. Your insecurity was at its peak during that moment.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know. But Vernon, you don’t understand. Jennie is pretty and smart and rich and a lot of guys are all over her. She’s obviously a lot better than me.”
“Babe, no, don’t say that.”
“It’s true. And the past week I’ve been having a really hard time at school. And it really got me thinking about how I’m not good enough, how there are a lot of people better than me. And how maybe, you’re better off with other people.”
“Baby, that’s not true. I only want you, okay? I’m not interested in other girls. And don’t be hard on yourself. I know more than anyone how much you work hard. You’re smart, and beautiful, and kind. How could I ever look for more?”
And then you were crying harder. You leaned into him, hugging him tight.
“Vernon, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, baby. What you’re feeling is valid but I’m here to assure you that you’re the one for me, okay? And if you feel that way again, please let me know?”
“I’m really sorry, baby. I just didn’t want you to think that I would be upset with something so shallow.”
“Baby, it’s not shallow. So please tell me so I could help you and assure you, alright?”
He kissed your forehead and held you even tighter.
“I’m so sorry. I just feel so bad about myself.”
“Shh, it’s okay.” he was lightly tapping you like a baby for comfort. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted about Joshua, too. I didn’t let you explain. And you were already having such a tough time.”
A few moments later, when you’ve calmed down, he positioned himself directly in front of you, hands on your shoulders, looking you straight in the eyes.
“Stella, just so you know, I get hurt too when you look down on yourself. Because that’s the girl I love. And I don’t want anyone, including herself, belittling her.”
And then he kissed you on the forehead.
“This girl is so precious.”
And then he brushed his hands through your hair ever so softly. You imagine what you look like through Vernon’s eyes — red, puffy eyes full of devastation, hair messy from snuggling beside him, and just overall a whole mess. You can’t believe he was seeing you like this and describing you as someone precious.
“I love you, Vern.”
“Me too, baby. I love you, Stella. And it also hurts me when you think that I don’t.” he said, pouting cutely.
He was such a baby. But his words affected you. Vernon expressed his love for you as much as he could and of course, it would hurt him if you thought the opposite. You felt quite guilty and you made a promise to yourself to never think that way again. You wanted to love yourself more, partly for Vernon, but mostly for yourself.
It feels good being loved like this. You snuggled beside him, eyes looking up at your boyfriend.
“Thank you, baby.”
He kissed the top of your head. And then he kissed your dried tears, his lips soft against your cheek. It felt like reassurance — reassurance that he was always gonna be by your side, that he won’t be going anywhere; reassurance that he loves you.
And then, finally, he kissed your lips. Gently at first, like you were back at the start of your relationship and the two of you were still walking on eggshells when it comes to touching each other. It felt like he was getting to know you all over again, seeing sides of you that you were too shy to show him before.
You kissed him back and then moments later, his kisses became more intense, stronger. He held onto you like he didn’t want to let you go. Then his tongue was inside of your mouth and it was wonderful. You’ve really missed him, you realized as you were getting lost in his kisses. You did not want to be as away from Vernon as you were the past few days. Ever. And as he kissed you down your neck, you pushed his head closer to you, as if you wouldn’t survive it if he weren’t this close.
After a few minutes of getting lost in each other’s kisse, Vernon looked you in the eyes.
“No more holding on grudges, okay? We tell each other everything from now on.”
You nodded at him. From now on, you were going to tell each other everything that bothers you and you were both going to work on it to keep each other.