Ready Yet

by Carmenlire

Summary:

And so here Taehyun is, in a coffee shop that he and Kai used to go to all the time during college and in Kai’s eyes, all Taehyun sees is a cautious friendliness. Like Taehyun, at the end of it all, is just an old friend who Hueningkai lost touch with when his band found fame and fortune and rocketed into the stratosphere where no one else could follow.

Or, Hueningkai and Taehyun meet up after five years.

The truth is, Taehyun has no idea what he’s doing.

As he rounds the street corner, he almost bumps into someone. He hurriedly bows, muttering some sort of apology but the other person doesn’t acknowledge him and Taehyun can’t focus on anything except the sign that’s lit up at the end of the block.

He hasn’t been to this coffee shop in years. Not since his undergrad, since junior year really, before everything had shifted.

Because changed is too harsh a word. He’s sure he’s the only one who thinks so, but the spring semester of their junior year and everything that followed had been a slow slide towards the inevitable, he supposes now.

Taehyun huddles into his coat, holding off a shiver at the dropping temperature. The rain had let up but it’s clear that they’ll be waking up to ice in the morning.

He doesn’t know why he’s doing this.

And even as he thinks that, Taehyun knows he’s lying to himself. He knows exactly why he’s here, walking to an old haunt he has so many memories in, a place he hasn’t thought of in years without a searing sense of nostalgia.

Taehyun’s steps slow as he approaches the huge window that looks into the coffee shop. A smile curves his lips at seeing that the decor seems exactly the same as it was a few years ago. He ignores the pang that strikes his heart at that realization because it just makes the dichotomy of how is used to be and what it is now even harder to swallow.

The smile drops when he sees a lone figure sitting at their table.

Suddenly, the cold doesn’t matter anymore. The emotions that surge through him make Taehyun numb.

It might’ve been five years since Taehyun had last seen his best friend in the flesh but he’d still recognize him anywhere. No matter that his hair is an ash blonde now, straightened and styled so that his forehead’s exposed. He’s wearing a black button-up, sleeves rolled up to expose strong forearms with half a dozen bracelets on his left wrist. The first couple of buttons are left artfully undone, showing just a hint of sculpted chest, and the image is incongruous to Taehyun because Hueningkai had always preferred oversized clothes, had always seemed to be trying to hide behind overgrown bangs and comfortable hoodies.

Taehyun scans over Hueningkai through the window, gets the impression of black skinny jeans tucked into laced-up combat boots, and the wave of anxiety that crashes over him leaves him nauseous.

For the hundredth time since he received that text last week, Taehyun wonders what the hell he’s doing.

Long time, no see I know, Taehyun recalls as he stands still on the sidewalk in the chilly twilight. I’m back in Seoul for awhile and was thinking of you. Are you free to meet up anytime soon?

Taehyun can still remember the surprise that had overwhelmed him at seeing a text in a thread that hadn’t seen an update since Kai’s birthday four months earlier. On the heels of surprise had been a spark of pure joy before uncertainty had taken over.

He hasn’t had a real conversation with Kai for years now. Sure they might text a few times a year but it’s a far cry from how attached at the hip they’d been for most of their lives– since a preteen Hueningkai had moved in next to Taehyun’s house in middle school and all the way through college until Kai’s band had been signed with a label and he’d all but dropped off the face of Taehyun’s earth.

He misses his best friend– can he even call Kai that anymore– but Taehyun is worried now, again, that they’ve each headed too far down their own paths.

The Hueningkai he sees now is sleek, worldly. On his way here, Taehyun saw a billboard with Kai plastered all over it selling some type of lip balm, for God’s sake.

Taehyun’s working on his doctorate in physics. His studio apartment is a forty minute subway ride away from here and just yesterday, he lost one of his favorite shirts at the laundromat and he still doesn’t know if someone stole it or if the finicky washer ate it.

Taehyun watches as Kai taps his phone that’s laying on the table, presumably checking the time, and that’s what gets his feet to move from where they’d been rooted to the sidewalk. It wouldn’t do to be late and make a terrible first impression after all this time.

Pushing the door open, Taehyun breathes deep, trying to ease the nervousness that’s coiling in his stomach.

As soon as the little bell above the door chimes, Taehyun sees Kai’s head jerk up towards the entrance.

Taehyun freezes, part of him suffering a sudden bout of insecurity. He’d agonized over what to wear for days, even going so far as to ask Yeonjun for help.

Yeonjun had come over, taken one look at him, and pulled him into a hug so strong it felt like all of Taehyun’s organs were squeezing together. “You know Kai-ah doesn’t care about things like what you wear or if you have makeup on,” Yeonjun had murmured in his ear. “He just wants to see you.”

Finally releasing him, Yeonjun had still kept holding Taehyun’s hands as he smiled, just a little, and they both felt the edge of sadness. “This’ll be good, Taehyunnie. You both need this, you know. It’s long overdue.”

And Taehyun hadn’t been able to argue with that even as he’d bitten his tongue to keep from asking Yeonjun if Hueningkai had said anything about him.

Because while things had fallen apart between them in the space between long distances and their diverging goals, Yeonjun had held no such qualms about maintaining his friendship with Kai. Taehyun had even turned his hyung’s notifications on as Yeonjun had flown to London over the summer to see their friends’ band headline a festival.

He had seen every single story that Yeonjun posted and had burned with some terrible mix of pride and jealousy at seeing the natural way Kai moved around the stage, guitar an easy extension of himself. The jealousy hadn’t kicked in until a story late into the night, as Yeonjun and Kai had done shots at some crowded club and Taehyun had seen a guy’s arm around Hueningkai’s waist like it belonged there.

Taehyun’s run that night had been hard and he hadn’t stopped until he was all but heaving at the edge of the Han River, in some park where no one minded if he glanced out over the water and the city lights and felt like his heart was beating six thousand miles away even though the person he wanted had never really been his to begin with.

He’d ended up settling on a pair of blue jeans with an oversized sweater tucked into the front. His black coat is long, the hem almost reaching the floor, and his own boots have a heel that Taehyun knows would still put him a few inches below Hueningkai’s height.

As Kai looks over and sees him, Taehyun stills, feeling pinned into place.

The door is still open, an icy breeze floating into the mostly empty coffee shop as Taehyun meets Kai’s gaze. It still cuts just as deep but this time there’s no warmth that follows on its heels because Kai’s face is blank– no wide smile, no chaotic laugh to greet Taehyun.

There was a time– and it started the summer before they went to university together– when Taehyun had always seemed to be searching Hueningkai’s eyes for something, some hint that he felt the same as Taehyun did. That when they touched, when their eyes locked while with their group of friends and they laughed together over some inside joke, the rest of the world seeming to fall away, Taehyun was always looking for a clue that Hueningkai felt the same burning emotion. That his love and yearning, that his aching heart that threatened to beat right out his chest with a single word from Kai, wasn’t just his own lovesick cross to bear.

Taehyun never did see anything to indicate that Kai felt the same as he did back then. Nothing that he could trust, anyway.

And so here he is, in a coffee shop that he and Kai used to visit several times a week back in college and in Kai’s eyes, all Taehyun sees is a cautious friendliness. Like Taehyun, at the end of it all, really is just an old friend that Hueningkai lost touch with when his band found fame and fortune and rocketed into the stratosphere where no one else could follow.

Taehyun’s catastrophizing fractures the longer he looks into Kai’s eyes, though. That blankness gives way to something deep but Taehyun doesn’t know what name to put to the emotion in Kai’s eyes. He used to know every expression on his best friend’s face but that time, he supposes, is long gone now.

It’s like the rest of the cafe fades away as Taehyun and Kai’s eyes stay locked together. There are no words, not yet, but Taehyun feels locked into place with the weight of Hueningkai’s stare.

It’s not until a plate clatters loudly behind the register that they startle out of their trance. Taehyun shivers as he closes the door behind him, watches at Kai stands up beside the table to greet him.

And– there it is, a smile that reaches Hueningkai’s eyes as Taehyun nears the table. There’s still an uncertainty there that Taehyun doesn’t like, that feels out of place but Taehyun knows he isn’t in a position to find fault with lost footing right now.

“Taehyun,” Kai says, and oh his voice is deeper, an edge of maturity to it that hadn’t been there when they’d been twenty years old.

“Kai-ah,” Taehyun breathes and something settles in him at the way Kai’s smile brightens at the familiarity, both of their shoulders losing some tension as Taehyun takes his seat across from him.

Kai stays standing, looking down at Taehyun for a moment while biting his lip. “Can I get you something to drink?”

Taehyun looks over his shoulder at the counter, the list of seasonal drinks written above the register. “Oh, I can–”

“Please,” Kai says, voice low but sure. “I asked you to meet, after all. Let me treat you.”

Taehyun debates for a minute but acquiesces with a tentative smile. “I’ll have a salted caramel latte, then, if you insist.”

“I do,” Kai quips with a grin and Taehyun settles in his seat as Hueningkai strides over to the bored-looking barista.

With his back to Hueningkai, Taehyun takes a quiet breath. It isn’t quite as awkward as he’d been fearing but they haven’t even started talking yet and who knows how a catch up session is going to go when they don’t share any of the same interests anymore.

Taehyun worries that he doesn’t know Hueningkai anymore, that all tonight will be is an exercise in lost loves and wistful regrets.

He doesn’t get a chance to get too in his head before Hueningkai is back with their drinks. When Kai sits down, Taehyun nods towards the drink he’s holding. “What you’d get?”

Looking down at his glass, Kai shakes it a little so that the ice in it clinks quietly against the sides. “I had to be up super early for an interview, so I just ordered an iced americano.” He laughs a little sheepishly. “If I yawn, it’s absolutely nothing to do with you. I’ve just been up since some ungodly hour.”

Taehyun laughs along and figures this is as good a place as any to start. “You said you were back in Seoul for a bit? I take it you’re still busy even if you aren’t traveling?”

Kai shakes his head. “This was just a holdover. It was supposed to be a video call last month but the journalist had to reschedule because they came down with something. No, I’m taking a little break for the foreseeable future.”

“Oh,” Taehyun asks, unsure what to think about that. “Really?”

Nodding, Hueningkai takes a quick sip of his drink before he sets it down, leaning in towards Taehyun. The lighting in the coffee shop is muted, lots of lamps scattered around to provide ambient light so that it feels quieter, more intimate.

“I feel like I haven’t had a chance to breathe the last few years,” Hueningkai admits quietly. He stares at Taehyun from across the table and his eyes are dark, the serious line to his mouth foreign. In the most private part of his heart, Taehyun admits that he finds this Kai particularly devastating. “We’ve been so busy and it’s been great. A dream come true. But I started realizing over the last few months that I have other dreams and it’s about time that I started chasing those, too.”

Taehyun bites his lip, thinking. Kai’s gaze is intent on him, like there’s some hidden truth to his words. “How long are you here, then?” In one place goes unsaid but they both hear it.

“As long as it takes.” Kai’s voice is sure, something heavy in the syllables. It’s a short answer that really isn’t an answer at all. His gaze burns into Taehyun, the intensity searing, and Taehyun feels caught.

With what, he doesn’t know. What he does know is that he wouldn’t mind finding out.

After all, that had been the hardest part, when things shifted between them. Kai was still in Seoul for a few months as his band worked on their first real studio album– something with a far better production value than the EP they’d recorded in Beomgyu’s shitty dorm.

Kai’s schedule had been grueling but he’d still been able to make time to see Taehyun, whether that meant a midnight ramen run that pulled Taehyun away from studying or fifteen minutes on a weekday afternoon as they passed each other in the apartment they shared like two extremely busy ships.

But then the label had sent Kai’s band around for songwriting and recording sessions in cities Taehyun had only ever seen on a map. LA and New York, Tokyo and even a brief stint exploring Bangkok.

At first, Hueningkai had made sure to bring Taehyun something back from each place he visited. But then his album had actually been released and if Taehyun thought his best friend was busy before, it was nothing compared to the promotional schedule the company organized.

And then the band’s first world tour kicked off and Kai was away from Taehyun for six full months. It was the longest separation they’d ever endured and while the intent had been there, reality had quickly driven a wedge into the best laid plans.

Daily video calls dropped to weekly, dropped to apologetic texts and promises of rainchecks.

After six months, Taehyun had been invited to the tour’s wrap-up party.

That night had been the last time he’d seen Hueningkai until tonight.

Kai shakes his head a little, as though to clear away the serious air they’d found themselves under. He smiles and it echoes the brightness Taehyun remembers well.

“Enough about me,” Kai says as he changes subjects. His voice is light as he asks, “What’s new with you?”

“I’m not sure how much you know,” Taehyun starts, “But I’m working on my doctorate right now. I should be done by summer.”

Kai is attentive, shifting forward in interest. “What’s your thesis?”

Taehyun starts explaining his focus, which requires diving into what he’d gotten with his graduate degree and devolves into him mentioning a few undergrad classes that tied in neatly with the direction his research had taken.

He doesn’t realize how long he’s been rambling– about advanced theory physics principles and the minutiae of his equations– because through it all, Hueningkai’s focus doesn’t leave him.

It doesn’t fracture, doesn’t splinter away under the onslaught of Taehyun’s passion. As he winds down, Taehyun can’t help but think that it feels like old times.

This used to be par for the course with them. Taehyun, explaining math and science to Kai, who had barely passed his core requirements. Kai, playing demos and asking for Taehyun’s opinions on lyrics or a melody stuck in his head.

It brings him back to some of his happiest days and Taehyun’s smiling, leaning closer to Kai as he wraps up with, “I’m not sure how much you actually got from all that but my dissertation needs to be approved by the end of February.”

“And when do you defend it,” Kai asks as he takes a quick sip of his coffee.

“Early May,” Taehyun says, wincing. “By the time that happens, all the kinks should be worked out but next semester is going to be brutal.”

Kai laughs and it settles deep into Taehyun’s bones. God, he dreams about that laugh, light and warm. “If I know anything about you, then it’s not even a question. You’re passing that presentation with flying colors.”

Lifting his mug to his lips, Taehyun can only mumble, “We’ll see, I guess.” His cheeks feel warm and he doesn’t know if it’s from the sweetened latte or if it’s because, even after all this time, Kai’s show of faith means something to him.

It means an awful lot, even for such simple words.

Needing to get the heat off him, Taehyun sets his mug down gently. He looks up and finds Hueningkai still focused on him, eyes wide and attentive. “How are things now that you’re home for awhile? I bet you had a crazy year.”

Kai laughs a little, more an exhalation of air than anything else. Taehyun doesn’t pick up the derisive note in it but he does see the way Kai’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “I guess you could say that.”

Taehyun merely lifts a brow, intrigued.

Sighing, Kai runs a hand through his hair. He looks a little frustrated. “Things are always busy but the past year has been downright hectic. I’m not sure how much you follow along but the label extended our tour twice.”

“Sounds exhausting,” Taehyun says with a little hum of sympathy.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Kai says. “I love meeting our fans all over the world. It’s my favorite part of the job but, well, it does get old whenever it’s a different hotel every other night and you wake up not remembering what city you crashed in.”

Taehyun doesn’t know what to say to that. He can understand the frustration and fatigue that must set in– Kai had mentioned that occupational hazard way back during the very first tour, when they’d still talked often enough. “Wouldn’t it have been easier to just come back and write the next album, then? I don’t pretend to know a lot about these things but surely stopping all activities puts a lot of pressure on someone.”

Kai doesn’t answer right away, instead taking a minute to just look at Taehyun. It’s the same serious expression as earlier. There are shadows in Kai’s eyes, his full mouth pulled into a wry grimace. “The company strongly suggested that we reconsider,” he admits. “I couldn’t find it in myself to care, though. None of us could.”

Kai rests his elbows on the table, arms crossing as he looks over at Taehyun.

“It’s not just that I have other things that I want to work on,” he says, one of his hands reaching out so that he can drag an aimless finger through the condensation left on the table from his drink. “My writer’s block has been terrible lately. Beomgyu hyung, too, said that he’d lost all of his creativity last winter. The whole band’s tired, feeling wrung out.”

Taehyun opens his mouth to say something but doesn’t get a chance to before Hueningkai’s continuing. “Beomgyu was close to calling it quits during the tour, when we were in South America. Soobin and I just barely saved him from leaving back in the spring.”

“I knew hyung was struggling but I didn’t know it had gotten that bad.”

Kai looks up, startled. “You knew?”

Taehyun shrugs, decides not to think about what this apparent revelation will lead to. “I still talk to Beomgyu and Soobin-hyung. I knew hyungs were having a hard time during the tour.”

For a brief second– so quick Taehyun almost misses it– Kai’s face twists, a bitter curve to the set of his mouth. “I think it’s just the fact that we’ve been on the go for so many years without a break. The success is something I won’t ever take for granted but we started having a lot of conversations this time last year on what direction we wanted to head in, what our goals should be– and what they actually are.”

There’s a question that burns in the back of Taehyun’s throat. He holds it back.

Kai won’t let him, though. “What,” he asks, with a smile. “Say what you’re dying to.”

His tone is easy, like he’s an open book for Taehyun. It’s only here, in the warm light of a closing coffee shop, that Taehyun hopes that might still be true, even after so many years.

“Do you regret it,” he asks, biting his lip as soon as the words leave his mouth. It feels sacrilegious to ask something so personal now. It’s a loaded question and Taehyun doesn’t wish for any particular answer. The only thing he’s ever wanted from Hueningkai is honesty.

Kai’s answer is swift. “No,” he says, sure. “That doesn’t mean I don’t have any regrets, though.”

Taehyun watches him from across the table. It might only be his imagination but Kai looks relaxed in a way he hadn’t when he’d first walked in. It’s odd because Taehyun would assume with this line of questioning, his guard would be up.

When they were younger, Taehyun would often talk a mile a minute. He’d say whatever was on his mind– all while keeping close his deepest secret– but it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for Taehyun to ask these types of questions out of the blue. Things like what do you want to be remembered for and if you could only have one person with you on a deserted island, who would it be?

Taehyun still remembers Kai’s answer to every single one of those questions.

Most of him figured that he’d lost the right to invasive curiosity after all these years but Hueningkai doesn’t act like anything is amiss. Instead, he leans back in his chair and squints at something past Taehyun’s shoulder.

“I have a hell of a lot,” Kai says with a quiet grin. There’s something about it that Taehyun finds irresistible– the pride in his best friend’s eyes, maybe, that edge of arrogance that anyone who’s made it as far as Kai has would have to possess. “More than I ever dreamed of. I’ve had to sacrifice a hell of a lot to get those things, though. I might wonder if it’s worth it sometimes but I don’t think there’s any world where I don’t make the choices I did.”

Nodding along thoughtfully, Taehyun offers, “For what it’s worth, I can’t imagine doing anything else.”

At Hueningkai’s encouraging look, Taehyun continues. “I’ve never been more stressed than I’ve been the past year. It’s a lot but there’s something fulfilling about my research. I don’t think I’d get that from anything else.” He offers a smile of his own, “It’s a lot of late nights and hard work but it makes me happy.”

“And what about after you defend your dissertation?”

Taehyun spares a moment to think about it before shrugging. “Honestly, I’m hoping to get one of the tenure positions next fall but that’ll probably stay a dream. I teach a couple of undergrad classes now– you know the intro to physics that freshmen take just to get their science credit out of the way– and I’m hoping to continue teaching in one way or another.”

Taehyun takes a breath, debates saying what’s on the tip of his tongue but he figures what he’s about to say shouldn’t matter and does only because he knows what he means. “Honestly, I’m looking forward to having more time for myself. Teaching still takes up so much time but there’s no way that I won’t have more room on my plate with my degree out of the way.”

Kai drums his fingers softly along the tabletop. “Anything in particular that you’re hoping to fill that time with?”

Taehyun laughs, looking down and watching the way the rings on Kai’s fingers glint in the light. There are several, thin and silver, making his fingers look even prettier than they already are, both strong and elegant.

With a smile that errs on self-deprecating, Taehyun says quietly, still not meeting Kai’s eyes, “My social life’s taken a hit the past couple of years. I haven’t been on a date since last summer and the few hook-ups I’ve had were. . . extremely disappointing. I’m hoping I’ll be in a place to make an effort and find someone.”

Hueningkai stills, nailbeds turning white as they’re pressed against the table.

Taehyun doesn’t really notice. He’s strangely nervous to be saying these words, even though that’s what friends are supposed to talk about. It shouldn’t be awkward to mention one night stands, especially when they’re all nameless strangers by now.

“Same,” Kai says, voice a little rough around the edges. He clears his throat and Taehyun’s gaze lifts to meet his eyes.

There’s that look in his eye again. Taehyun still doesn’t know what it means.

“Being on the road fifty weeks a year doesn’t really lend itself to stable relationships.” Kai grimaces. “That’s part of what was eating at Soobin and Beomgyu. We might be best friends who see each other every day but they’ve been craving something else. I have, too.”

“What do you want,” Taehyun asks, voice hushed. It feels illicit and he knows that he’s toeing a dangerously fine line.

You, he pictures hearing for a split second.

Because, really, that’s all he’s ever actually wanted from Kai.

Kai hesitates for a moment, everything in him tense, before he lets out a breath and reaches over to cover Taehyun’s hand where it rests on the table. Taehyun’s breath catches at the simple touch.

“I want what I’ve always wanted,” Hueningkai replies quietly. He looks down at their hands and his hair– a pretty silver blonde– falls into his eyes.

He looks back up at Taehyun, then, and he might not be smiling but there’s a lightness in his eyes that puts Taehyun inexplicably at ease.

“Connection,” he finally says. “Roots. I’m not saying that I’m retiring, not at all. But during all of those member discussions– and really, some were fights– what I want never changed. I might still tour and I might still have a workload that’s overwhelming but I’d like to find someone who wants to stay despite that.”

Kai thinks his next words over carefully before adding, “I want to know that there’s a home to come back to, at the end of it all. Someone waiting for me. I want to be that person for someone else.” He laughs, chagrined. “You probably think that’s selfish of me.”

Taehyun shakes his head before Kai’s even finished. “I don’t,” he says quietly. “You shouldn’t have to give up one dream just to get another.”

Taehyun wants to shy away from the intensity in Kai’s eyes. Kai’s focus is completely on him and he’s out of practice– there’s only ever been one person who could make him feel like he was the center of their world.

It’s been years since Taehyun had the right to wish he was the person Hueningkai wanted at his side. Bitterly, he thinks that he’s never had that right.

Right now, he quells that voice and focuses on the man in front of him. “The right person will understand,” he tries to assure. “They wouldn’t want you to choose.”

Hueningkai lifts a brow, gaze deep. He squeezes Taehyun’s hand gently. “Some things just cost too much, Taehyun. Not many people can afford to have everything they want.”

In this, however, Taehyun is stubborn. “That doesn’t matter,” he argues. “It’s not about being able to afford it. It’s about choosing to.”

Kai laughs, something disbelieving in his tone. He pats Taehyun’s hand one last time before retreating back to his side of the table. Taehyun refuses to shiver now that his warmth’s disappeared.

“A lot of people wouldn’t want to deal with what it would mean to be in a relationship with me,” Kai says and suddenly he sounds weary. “The constant traveling, the press that can be invasive and cruel, the unpredictable schedule. It’s not nothing.”

“Maybe not,” Taehyun allows. “But whoever you’re with is an adult. You might have to communicate and make an effort but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be worthwhile as long as both of you were on the same page.”

Hueningkai considers him. “They’d have to be strong,” he says, after a long pause. “They’d have to be willing to make that effort.”

Taehyun shrugs, leaning back in his chair. “I’m not saying they wouldn’t. I’m just saying that there’s someone out there who can handle you.”

Looking around the coffee shop after he says his piece, Taehyun misses the way Kai’s eyes darken. And now that he looks around, he sees they’re the only table left and that both employees are cleaning behind the counter.

He checks his watch. “They close in ten minutes,” Taehyun says, surprised. It’s been almost two hours since he sat down.

Kai blinks, taking in their surroundings. “I guess we should go, then.”

They both stand up and Taehyun reaches for his coat. He doesn’t get a chance to put it on before he feels Kai behind him, though. Looking over his shoulder, Taehyun raises a brow. “What are you doing?”

Kai looks back, unfazed. “Being polite.”

Taehyun scoffs even as he lets Kai help him into his coat. “Since when are friends so chivalrous?”

Hueningkai doesn’t answer but Taehyun wasn’t really expecting him to.

What he also doesn’t expect is for Kai to shrug into his own jacket and take out his wallet. He places a crisp fifty thousand won note under the tiny tea light on their table and turns back towards Taehyun.

Kai doesn’t comment on it and Taehyun doesn’t either.

They bring their glasses up to the counter and echo the baristas’ goodbyes before heading towards the door.

It’s colder outside, the December air brisk.

Taehyun finds that he’s strangely reluctant to part ways. When Hueningkai had first texted him, Taehyun had told himself that he just needed to stay an hour– save face, make nice, get out of dodge.

This evening has gone better than Taehyun thought it would, to be honest. There’s been no harsh truths or uncomfortable lies. A part of Taehyun is deeply satisfied that they were able to have a conversation that went beyond pleasantries. It itches the part of his brain that wants to– even after all this time– climb right inside of Kai and make a home, learn every tiny thing he could think to ask.

Kai seems to share the same reluctance to call it a night. They stand along the sidewalk, close in the winter chill. This is a lively part of town, so close to a university, and even if classes are out and there aren’t many people around, the area is still brightly lit with storefront signs and displays.

Taehyun’s not really sure where to go from here. He doesn’t want to suggest something else in case Kai is dying to get away from him. For all Taehyun knows, maybe he just wanted to check a visit with Taehyun off his list, ease some sort of misplaced guilt about them losing touch.

It’s that time of year when the cold is quiet. Traffic is light and Taehyun leans into Hueningkai, just a little, under the guise of seeking warmth.

“Do you think our tree is still there,” Hueningkai asks out of the blue.

It only takes Taehyun a moment to place the question, frowning in thought. “I wouldn’t see why not.” He leans into Kai a little more. “Want to check it out?”

He waits for Kai’s answer. Maybe it was an idle question, meant for the two of them to reminisce for a few minutes before saying goodbye.

Kai brightens at the question, though.

“Yes,” he says with a smile. He doesn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around Taehyun’s shoulders, pulling him close as he turns them towards their destination.

And Taehyun’s coat is definitely warmer than the jacket that Hueningkai is wearing but he lets himself enjoy their proximity all the same.

“Do you ever come over this way,” Kai asks, steps slow like he’s taking his time.

Taehyun shakes his head. “I went to a different university after I got my undergrad. I haven’t been here since I graduated.”

“So I take it that you don’t live around here?”

They pause at a red light. Taehyun looks up at Kai to see he’s already looking down at him. “I’m across town in a little studio.”

Leaning down a little, Kai’s breath fogs the space between them as he says, “Thanks for meeting me. I should’ve said that as soon as you sat down. But still, thanks– especially now that I know it was out of the way.”

“Like you didn’t have a busy schedule today somewhere,” Taehyun scoffs. “What did I say about effort, Huening-ah.”

Taehyun tells himself that he imagines the way Kai’s eyes widen because they’re teasing a split second later. “Should’ve known you’d tell me I was wrong.”

Rolling his eyes, Taehyun starts pulling him across the street as the walk sign blinks green. “Yes, you should’ve,” he retorts in a prim voice.

Kai’s laugh is warm and way too close to his ear as they cross the street.

The park that Hueningkai asked about is just a few blocks from the coffee shop. It’s a popular hangout for university students– especially after a night out. Taehyun’s sure that half of campus has memories of being sick somewhere in the square block– it ran along the length of one of the bar streets and was on the way back to one of the largest apartment buildings off campus.

It’s well lit, downright idyllic when there are no inebriated students stumbling down the neat walking paths.

They take their time walking despite the cold and it surprises Taehyun, how easy it is to fall into conversation with Kai. The years of short texts and missed calls fade away as they start a meandering conversation that starts with Taehyun asking if Kai still enjoys anime.

Kai excitedly relays the latest show he’s started and Taehyun is surprised to find that he’s watching it, too. When Kai asks– uncharacteristically nervous– if Taehyun wants to watch the season finale together, Taehyun doesn’t have a reason to say no.

The conversation continues and Taehyun lets Hueningkai guide their direction. He’s well aware that his friend is taking the long way to the tree– that they’re two steps away from going in circles with their actual destination on the other side of the park– but it’s too peaceful to end this truce the two seem to find themselves in.

There’s no one else around and the quiet feels peaceful. Taehyun feels like it’s just him and Kai in the whole world.

Taehyun loses track of time but eventually Kai steers them towards the corner of the park.

A sudden memory pops up in Taehyun’s head as they make the final bend in the trail. “Do you remember that time Beomgyu and Yeonjun hyung climbed to the top of the tree during– what was it, Chuseok weekend?”

Kai snorts. “Of course, I do. Yeonjun-hyung needed three stitches when he fell and scraped his knee clean through his jeans.”

“At least he had Beomgyu to nurse him back to health,” Taehyun offers dryly.

Privately, Taehyun’s always wondered about the two of them. They were different than him and Hueningkai. They bickered constantly but it was obvious they both held a soft spot for the other. Taehyun had lost track of how many times he’d went over to his hyungs’ apartment and caught them napping together, wrapped around each other, on the couch or in one of their beds.

Since tonight seems to be a night of lowering down defenses, Taehyun asks, “How is it when Yeonjun hyung visits?”

Yeonjun doesn’t do it too often but he always makes a point to see them at every hometown show and at least once abroad each tour. He claims seeing their friends on tour is a chance for a vacation but Taehyun secretly wonders if there’s another reason.

Taehyun’s only seen Kai’s band in concert once since that first tour.

“You know how they are,” Kai says quietly. He kicks an errant pebble down the walkway, looking out at the deserted playground they’re passing. “Yeonjun hyung visits for twenty four hours and it’s a whirlwind. If Beomgyu knows he’s coming then his energy is off the charts for days. As soon as hyung leaves, it’s like watching a balloon lose every bit of air it had. But for those twenty four hours? They’re inseparable and Beomgyu hyung’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him. They both are, really.”

Taehyun knows they’re crossing into dangerous territory. Something about glass houses echoes in the back of his mind but the hour is growing late and he hasn’t had Kai at his side in years.

He feels a little reckless. If he’s optimistic, he might call the feeling hopeful.

What’s the worst that could happen at the end of the night anyway, Taehyun wonders sardonically. They don’t speak again for another five years? He finally has the impetus to get over his best friend that he’s been pining over for half his life?

With that in mind, Taehyun can’t help but ask, “Why don’t they do anything?”

Hueningkai hums. “What do you mean?”

Taehyun frowns and lets his cheek rest against Kai’s shoulders as they walk. “They’ve been in love with each other since I’ve known them but neither of them have ever made a move. I don’t understand why they keep doing this to themselves.”

Kai shrugs, like the answer’s easy. “Maybe they’re scared.”

Taehyun’s voice is plaintive as he argues, “It’s so obvious, though.”

And Kai sighs, shaking his head a little. It isn’t his frustrated shake, though. No, Taehyun recognizes the move as Kai trying to brace himself. “Hyungs were seniors when the band was signed. The band was taking up all of Beomgyu hyung’s time and back then, Yeonjun hyung was debating between that dance internship in L.A. or applying to the entertainment companies. Distance might make the heart grow fonder but it can cause a hell of a lot of pain, too.”

“So you’re saying that it’s just been a matter of right person, wrong time?”

“I don’t think so,” Kai corrects. “More like right person, wrong place. I think both Yeonjun and Beomgyu hyung would’ve made it work but they just haven’t been in the same place long enough to take that step.”

Something about that doesn’t sit right with Taehyun. “They could’ve gotten together back before the band was signed or– I don’t know, before Beomgyu had to leave on tour. They could’ve been together this whole time.”

“I don’t think it was meant to happen like that,” Kai says, voice quiet. “I think they both needed to see the world on their own terms first. Maybe they needed to prove to themselves and each other that they could stand on their own.”

Taehyun knows they’re doing a hell of a lot of supposition on behalf of their friends but it’s the closest Taehyun’s ever gotten to an answer since that party five years ago. “I don’t like it,” he says, sad and frustrated. “I like happy endings.”

His cheek moves uncomfortably as Kai laughs, something low and sure. “There’s going to be a happy ending, Taehyun.”

Wrapping his arms around Kai’s, Taehyun tilts his head up to look at his oldest friend. “How do you know?”

Hueningkai must not feel Taehyun’s stare. That, or he doesn’t care. He looks ahead and in the low light, he looks almost unworldly handsome. “I refuse to be part of a tragedy.”

Taehyun grumps, still looking at him. After all this time and a world of space, it always comes back to this– Taehyun trying to see through Kai to the truth he so desperately wishes could be his. “Some things you can’t control, Kai-ah.”

At this, Kai does look down. His expression is clear. “It’s about choices, isn’t it? You might not be able to control someone else but you can choose the path you walk down. You can choose not to look back and think in what-ifs.”

Taehyun thinks back to a swanky club in Gangnam and standing outside on a cool autumn night. All he’s ever had is what-ifs. “Sure,” he agrees, voice curt. “That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, though.”

Their tree is just up ahead and they can see the shadow of it against the darkened sky. Taehyun steps away from Kai to start towards it, anger bubbling up his throat.

Kai doesn’t understand, he thinks. Kai’s never wanted him but Taehyun has wanted him since he was eighteen years old.

Taehyun wants to be Kai’s choice because Kai’s always been his. No amount of looking at the future makes that anything but a tragedy.

He’s wasted so much time on Kai but even now, as he thinks that, Taehyun can’t really make himself believe it. Hueningkai is his best friend– no amount of distance or heart-scorching yearning will change that. No time spent on Kai will ever be a waste because at the end of the day, Taehyun loves Kai and Kai is deserving of all the love in the world.

It hurts, though, that much is true. It hurts so fucking much to have all this want surging through him but to be unable to do anything with any of it. It just stays within him, a living thing with snarling teeth and claws, so overwhelming that sometimes Taehyun thinks that he really will choke on it.

He doesn’t take more than two steps before Hueningkai is reaching for him, grabbing his wrist to turn him back around so that they’re facing each other.

The monster in Taehyun’s heart seethes as he meets Kai’s eyes.

It’s quiet, not a soul around, and Hueningkai seems content enough to look at him. His hand is warm around Taehyun’s wrist. His thumb sweeps a subconscious rhythm over his fluttering pulse and suddenly, Taehyun is tired.

Maybe this was all a mistake, after all.

Maybe there’s a reason that they had drifted apart and it was because Hueningkai knew.

He’s just been trying to let Taehyun down gently all this time.

Oblivious to Taehyun’s inner turmoil, Hueningkai studies him. Taehyun doesn’t remember a time when he wasn’t hiding something from Kai. It’s nothing to keep the impassive look on his face.

“It’s not the end of the world if it hurts,” Kai finally says, voice just above a whisper.

All Taehyun has ever wanted is Hueningkai’s honesty. Maybe it’s time he was honest himself.

“It feels like it is, though,” Taehyun whispers and his voice breaks at the end as he looks away from Kai’s eyes, gorgeous brown and so warm that Taehyun wants to drown in them.

“Taehyun-ah,” Hueningkai calls, voice hoarse. “What if I said I didn’t mean it?”

Still refusing to meet Kai’s eyes, Taehyun just blinks angrily into the distance. “Didn’t mean what,” he asks, snappish.

“What I said the night of the party.”

Everything in Taehyun stills.

Hueningkai doesn’t give him a chance to say anything, just adds devastatingly quiet, “What if I said that I lied?”

Emotions crash through Taehyun– anger, hurt, hope, so much bitterness that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. “Why would you lie, Huening-ah?”

It’s excruciatingly quiet for a long pause before Kai whispers, “I was scared.”

The emotion that overcomes them all: fury.

Taehyun rears back like he’s been slapped. “Scared,” he echoes. “Why would you be scared of me?”

Hueningkai stands in front of Taehyun, back straight in the wave of his rage. “Not of you,” he corrects. “Of how things would change.”

“Oh, because being with me would’ve been so terrifying?”

“Yes,” Hueningkai snaps, calmness fracturing at the accusation. He rakes a hand through his hair. “We were so young, Hyun, and I was afraid that it wouldn’t be enough.”

Before Taehyun can even open his mouth, Kai is clarifying, “That what we had wouldn’t be enough. For you.”

“For me,” Taehyun all but shrieks, indignant. An owl hoots in response, perturbed at the sudden disturbance.

“Yes,” Kai says and his voice is vicious as he says, “Would you have gone to grad school if I hadn’t left, Taehyun?”

Taehyun freezes. “Why would you ask that?”

Kai laughs incredulously, head falling back so that he can stare at the stars. “Because Taehyun,” he growls and Taehyun can count the number of times he’s heard Hueningkai angry on one hand but he hasn’t ever heard him sound so pissed. “I heard you talking to Soobin that night after we kissed.”

His hands fall onto his hips as he straightens back out and his voice is pained as he continues, “I was looking for you. Do you have any idea how happy I was? How long I’d been wanting to kiss you? All I wanted was to be with you that night and then I found you with hyung in that hallway and–”

Kai breaks off and he looks straight into Taehyun’s eyes as he says, “You told him that you were thinking of deferring for a year to follow the band on tour. You told Soobin hyung that you had finally kissed me and– and that you couldn’t bear the thought of being apart when we’d just gotten together.”

Taehyun’s speechless. He never saw a hint of Kai in that shadowed club corridor. He’d been drunk, so happy that it felt like he was floating. Nothing could’ve brought him down from that and he hadn’t been able to slow down enough to think in practicalities.

Until a little while later, at least. Kai had made sure of that.

“I heard Soobin ask if you were sure about it because you’d won a full ride and one of two coveted spots with some physics professor–”

“Professor Min,” Taehyun whispers.

Kai’s smile is wry. “With Professor Min and it came with the opportunity to study directly under him. The deferment didn’t apply to the scholarship or the mentorship program.”

Taehyun swallows hard. He doesn’t know what to say except, “I still would’ve gone, Kai-ah.”

“Jesus, Taehyun.” Kai smiles and it’s sharp. “You would’ve lost an incredible opportunity and I refuse to ever be the reason you don’t reach your dream.”

“You don’t know that,” Taehyun cries out. “I was just– I was so happy, Hyuka. I was so fucking happy and I saw Soobin and all I could think of that night, after we kissed, was that I wanted to be close to you. But as much as it might hurt your ego, Kai,” Taehyun bites out, scathing, “You’ve never been my only dream. I probably would’ve woken up and forgotten I even said that.”

“And how was I suppose to know that, Taehyun?”

Taehyun opens his mouth but Kai cuts him off. “If I wouldn’t have told you that kiss was just drunken fun between friends, then what if we had woken up the next morning and you told me that? I know you, Taehyun,” Kai says quietly, eyes burning. “You’re stubborn as hell. You would’ve done whatever you damned well pleased and I wouldn’t have been able to change your mind.”

“Maybe it wasn’t your mind to change,” Taehyun gets out through gritted teeth.

Smiling sadly, Kai replies, “Don’t you think I know that? Do you have any idea how many times I’ve played that night over and over in my head? I’ve always wanted you, Taehyun. Some things cost too much, though, and that wasn’t a price I was willing to pay.”

“So what then,” Taehyun says, voice raw. “That’s it? You didn’t mean it? It’s been five years, Kai. A lot can change in five years.”

Kai steps forward, eyes dark as he grabs Taehyun’s face. His hands are so warm against Taehyun’s cheeks. “Not this,” Kai says, voice low. “This will never change. I won’t let it.”

There’s only one thing Taehyun can say to that. “You can’t control people, Kai,” he says in a wry tone. “You don’t get to say what they feel.”

“Maybe not,” Kai allows. “And maybe five years is a long time. But I don’t care, Taehyun. There’s never been a time I didn’t want you. I don’t care if it’s five years or fifty or fucking five hundred, I’ll never stop loving you.”

Kai leans down until his forehead presses against Taehyun’s. “Maybe I shouldn’t have lied to you. I’m sure you’ll make me pay for that. But I was twenty one years old, Taehyun. I might’ve been young but I was old enough to be scared that this thing between us would fail before it even had a chance to fly. I thought–”

Kai’s voice breaks and he presses harder against Taehyun’s forehead, like he wants to make sure that Taehyun understands him, like he wants to climb right inside of him. His thumbs are achingly gentle as the sweep across his cheeks. “I thought I’d give you some time, give both of us a chance to sink or swim on our own. But I’m back, Taehyun. I’m here.”

Taehyun blinks teary eyes open, doesn’t even feel one fall. He stares into Kai’s eyes, helpless. “For how long,” he asks on a whisper.

Kai’s voice is achingly gentle as he says, “As long as it takes.”

“I don’t know,” Taehyun says in the space between them.

“What don’t you know?”

Swallowing harshly, Taehyun opens his mouth but no words come out.

He’s terrified. For the second time in his life, it feels like everything he’s ever wanted is within his reach and he’s so scared that Hueningkai will yank it back again. He doesn’t think he could take the heartbreak a second time.

He was barely handling the first.

His thoughts are going a mile a minute and he knows that no matter how good things are, one conversation won’t fix everything from that night, from the past five years.

Still. Taehyun wants Hueningkai’s honesty. He decides to return with some of his own.

“What if you don’t really want me,” Taehyun mumbles, shying away as Kai wipes his tears away gently. “What if you like the– the idea of us, but then you’ll miss your glamorous parties and celebrity hookups and–”

Kai laughs, a quiet thing that’s so endeared that even Taehyun can hear it in his tone. “Baby,” Kai says. “You’re what I want. You’re what I’ve always wanted.”

Kai hushes him softly when he tries to cut in. “Listen, Hyun-ah. I hate going out. I don’t know what you’re talking about but I only ever hit parties if it’s a sponsor or the hyungs drag me out. I’m still your Kai. I still hate crowds and get nervous with strangers.” Kai kisses the tip of his nose. “As for hookups– no one ever meant anything to me. Except you. It’s always been you, Taehyun. No one else.”

“Same,” Taehyun can admit, glancing away as his cheeks warm. “Everyone I’ve been with was just a distraction from who I really wanted.” Taehyun doesn’t see the satisfaction in Kai’s eyes at his confession. “I wished every one was you.”

Kai pulls him closer into his arms, Taehyun burrowing into his warmth easily. Kissing the top of Taehyun’s head, Kai squeezes him close.

“Besides,” Kai says, breaking the silence after a long moment. His tone is thoughtful. “What if you don’t want me? What if you realize, sooner or later, that a relationship just isn’t worth the hassle?”

He doesn’t let Taehyun pull away, just keeps him close as he explains, “After all, everything I said back at the coffee shop was true. What if you get tired that I’m away from home for months on end? It isn’t unreasonable to expect that someone will only put up with being photographed in public without their knowledge or consent so many times until they start to rethink things. Or reading about yourself online and being so baffled or angry when so-called journalists get every detail wrong just for clicks.”

Hueningkai’s voice is carefully neutral, not even the weariness from earlier making an appearance.

Taehyun thinks about the future Kai paints if they do this– Taehyun likes his privacy, treasures his anonymity. While he’s made a few appearances in Beomgyu and Soobin’s social media, his friends have always been careful to cover him up on their public pages.

He can’t pretend that he hasn’t thought about it, though, what it would be like to be with Hueningkai. Especially as each album just elevated them further, Taehyun would be unforgivably naive to have never considered how Kai’s career would affect any potential relationship.

He meant what he said at the coffee shop, though, too.

Laying a hand on Kai’s chest, Taehyun pushes until there’s enough space for their eyes to meet.

“It might be an adjustment,” Taehyun says slowly. “But that would be a necessary evil. I wouldn’t be jumping in with eyes closed, you know. Some things are worth it– the effort or the collateral. Any of it. All of it.”

Kai searches his eyes for any sign of hesitation but Taehyun knows he won’t find one.

“Well, then,” Kai murmurs. “It looks like we’re on the same page, then, about a few things.”

Silence falls between them, both unsure where to go from here. Taehyun has no idea what time it is. The stillness is almost preternatural and out of the corner of his eye, Taehyun sees a single lonely snowflake fall past them.

Kai cups his cheek and his touch is still so warm.

“So, where does that leave us,” Kai finally asks, nerves clear in his tone.

Taehyun’s quiet as he really thinks about it. They both deserve honesty, even if it’s coming at the eleventh hour.

The past is the past, Taehyun thinks. There’s no sense in looking back now when everything leads right back here, with Taehyun in Kai’s arms.

They’re in charge of their future, though.

“You’re right,” Taehyun starts. “You can’t even imagine how you’re going to pay for lying to me.”

Hueningkai grimaces but nods in acceptance.

“The truth is, I don’t know what I would’ve done. I was twenty one, and you’ve always been my biggest dream. Maybe I would’ve been a groupie for six months, maybe we would’ve made long distance work. We’ll never know now.”

Kai’s mouth tightens, frown marring his brow. Taehyun reaches up and smooths a thumb over the corner of his mouth.

It’s scary, standing on a precipice. Taehyun’s done it exactly once before and it took every bit of courage that he had. Pressing his thumb into where he knows Hueingkai’s dimple likes to lurk, Taehyun wonders if it ever gets easier, standing on the edge between before and after.

Kai looks at him with such force, though, such intent that it’s difficult to imagine anything except a soft landing.

“It’s been five years, Kai-ah. We’ve had a lot of time to grow apart. There’s a lot we don’t know about each other.” He watches as Kai’s eyes close, something like resignation crossing his features. “What I do know is that you’ll always be my Kai, my Huening-ah.”

Kai’s eyes widen, mouth dropping open as he looks at Taehyun with a nakedly hopeful expression.

Taehyun moves his thumb over until Kai closes his mouth. He looks awestruck, like he wants so badly to believe Taehyun but doesn’t know if he’s allowed.

“We can get to know each other again,” Taehyun whispers, pulling Kai down until they’re sharing the same breath. “We have time, don’t we?”

Kai’s voice shakes as he replies, “All the time in the world.”

And then he’s kissing Taehyun.

It’s devastatingly gentle, the softest meeting of their lips. The press of their lips is so light that part of Taehyun wonders if he really is dreaming.

Kai’s lips are chapped from the cold, though, and it feels so real. Taehyun can’t resist pressing deeper into his mouth. It feels like the only warmth he has right now is in the places where they touch.

The kiss isn’t harried. It’s so different to that first kiss, when they were tipsy and maybe a little overzealous.

This one is deliberate. Kai holds his face and treats him like he’s something infinitely precious as he presses against Taehyun's mouth, over and over until Taehyun can’t help but gasp, trying to catch his breath.

Kai kisses him again and Taehyun feels him shudder as he presses his tongue along his lip, so careful that Taehyun feels like spun glass.

He’s not going to break, though. He feels invincible.

It’s Taehyun who takes things deeper. Kai’s hands reach down for him, diving into his open coat to rest in the dip of his back. Taehyun doesn’t know how, considering how frigid it is, but Kai’s hands burn through the thin material of his sweater. He swears that he can feel searing prints where each finger rests just above the waistband of his jeans.

Taehyun shifts, falling further into Kai’s hold. His own hands find their way into Kai’s hair to scratch gently along his scalp and Kai lets out a noise that goes straight to Taehyun’s gut.

Kai’s mouth parts and Taehyun can’t help himself.

Taehyun slips his tongue further into Kai’s mouth, Kai immediately pulling him closer. He takes his time, Kai letting him set the pace, and it’s so slow and decadent that Taehyun’s head spins.

When Kai slides his tongue against his, curling his tongue around Taehyun’s to suck him deeper into his mouth, Taehyun moans. Nails bite into Kai’s nape. Kai pulls him closer, arm banding low against his back until there’s not a breath of space between them.

They break apart after long, drawn out minutes. Both are breathing heavy and Kai’s eyes are so dark that Taehyun feels like he’s drowning in them.

He doesn’t get a chance to say anything before Hueningkai’s leaning back down, kissing him with a firm press of his lips, now spit-slick and red. Kai kisses his top lip, the corner of his mouth, tilts Taehyun’s head to kiss along his jaw, teeth closing gently over the edge of bone.

Taehyun’s overwhelmed. There’s something about Kai’s touch. It reaches into him– into the most secret, aching parts of his soul and everywhere he touches is a brand. The warmth steeps into him, replacing yearning with a different sort of desperation.

Turning his head, he meets Kai’s mouth again and it’s hot and open-mouthed and Taehyun thinks he’s getting drunk off this, under Kai’s covetous touch, the way something in him seems to finally have clicked into place after so many years of feeling that his want would consume him whole.

“Taehyun-ah,” Kai murmurs into his ear. His tongue dips out to taste Taehyun’s neck before planting an achingly gentle kiss behind his ear. “What do you want?”

That’s the question Taehyun’s asked himself a thousand times since he met Hueningkai. It’s a question he loathes because he has never been able to bridge the gap between wish and reality.

But now that Hueningkai is here, Taehyun can no longer restrict himself to what’s practical or rational. His pragmatism has always been a distant second when it comes to his best friend. There’s no limit to the swell of feeling that crashes though him. There’s only one answer to Kai’s question.

“I want everything,” he whispers and sighs as Kai buries his face in his shoulder. He feels a quiet, persistent nibbling on his collar bone and smiles into Kai’s hair.

A part of Taehyun’s mind does clear as he thinks over what can happen next. There are a dozen possibilities, some much more palatable than others.

It turns out that the edge between before and after is exhilarating.

“Come home with me.”

Hueningkai stills for a brief moment before he finally straightens, taking the smallest step back to give them both a semblance of clarity.

The streetlamp casts his face in shadows. “You need to be sure, Hyun-ah.”

Taehyun’s mouth presses into a firm line. He looks away, the cold creeping into him now that Kai isn’t serving as his own heated blanket. “If you don’t want to–”

“I didn’t say that,” Hueningkai cuts in. “I said that you need to be sure.”

Taehyun opens his mouth but Kai grabs his chin, stilling him. His voice is low, insistent. “I’m here, Taehyun. Whatever you want, however long it takes– I’m not going anywhere.” He smiles a little, shifting until he can kiss Taehyun’s forehead and he lingers against his skin for a few seconds before he says, “I need you to be sure because I am. If I go home with you tonight, it’ll hurt like hell if you regret it in the morning.”

Taehyun breathes deep, keeps his eyes closed from where they’d fluttered shut when Kai had leaned into him. And the truth is that Taehyun doesn’t know what tomorrow will bring. All he knows is that he’d rather regret a night with Kai than wonder what-if for another five years.

“Come home with me,” Taehyun says again, whispering the plea.

When he opens his eyes, Kai’s looking down at him with that same look he had at the coffee shop and Taehyun still can’t put a name to the expression on his face but he thinks wonder is close enough.

It strips Taehyun, the look in Kai’s eyes as his gaze roves over him. Kai looks at him like nothing else in the world matters. It leaves him winded.

It also leaves him feeling an almost unbearable shyness. Kai’s gaze cuts too deep, seems to see everything that Taehyun’s spent their entire friendship hiding. He buries his face in Kai’s chest and lets out a noise when strong arms wrap around him, squeezing him tight.

“God, Taehyun.” Kai laughs, incredulity in his tone. “You’re so cute.”

Taehyun halfheartedly punches Kai’s shoulder. The impact leaves something to be desired, considering that he didn’t want to break away from Kai’s embrace enough to do more than softly touch his knuckles to the edge of Kai’s coat.

Kai lets him hide for a few more minutes before he urges him away enough to look at him. His eyes are bright. He looks lighter than he did back at the coffee shop.

Hueningkai wraps an arm around Taehyun’s shoulders again as they turn down the path. Kai stops in his tracks. “What about our tree?”

Taehyun can’t help himself. “Fuck the tree.”

Kai laughs and– oh. It’s his real laugh, the one that sounds like a cascading dolphin. It echoes in the winter quiet and it’s almost unbearable, the wash of emotion that comes over Taehyun at the noise. God, he’d missed Hueningkai– his best friend, his person.

“But, Taehyunnie,” Kai says and his voice is plaintive even if Taheyun can see that he’s grinning in the low light. “That was the whole point of this little side quest.”

Rolling his eyes, Taehyun nudges his hip. “We carved our initials into the infamous couple tree when we were wasted what– eight years ago? I have better things to do with my time than study a tree in the dark.”

Kai pouts. “But it was a moment.” He squeezes Taehyun close, being obnoxious about it. “Don’t you remember? You carried me from that bar that served the five dollar long islands and we fell in the snow as soon as we made it to the park. We didn’t even have a knife or anything, I don’t even know how we managed to do it–”

“Beomgyu hyung had a nail file,” Taehyun interjects. He tried to make his voice sound exasperated but he can hear the fondness.

Kai brightens as Taehyun plays along. “Yes! Do you want to hear a secret, Hyun-ah?”

Taehyun makes some vague noise of interest, sure that Kai will try to claim that it wasn’t his idea, that he’d just been following in Taehyun’s criminal proclivities.

His voice is casual as he admits, “I wasn’t as drunk as I let on that night.”

At Taehyun’s confused look, Kai explains, “When I fell and brought you down with me? Maybe that wasn’t totally an accident.”

Taehyun’s memories of that night are a little blurred with age and whiskey. He remembers Soobin dipping out early when he met someone at their third bar and there are flashes of Beomgyu and Yeonjun bickering nearby while he’d been laying in the snow, Kai a heavy but comforting weight on top of him.

Kai had hopped off Taehyun’s back and immediately slipped on ice, bringing both of them crashing down. Taehyun remembers feeling so warm even if snow was seeping under his jacket.

With hindsight, Taehyun starts to realize that maybe the picture he’d painted of the two of them had always been missing the important bits.

“Really,” is what he says now. “Thought you were just clumsy.”

Kai’s face is soft as he shakes his head. His eyes don’t leave Taehyun’s. “I’m telling you that so you understand, Taehyun-ah. However deep you think you are, I can promise you that I’ve been right there with you every step of the way.”

Taehyun doesn’t know what to say to that. “Come on,” he urges, changing the subject. He can feel warmth creep into his cheek. “The last train is probably close.”

He tugs on Kai’s arm but Kai frowns, not moving. “Why don’t I just call my car then?”

Taehyun rolls his eyes. “I know you’re rich and famous now but you can take public transportation like the rest of us,” he says, guiding Kai back from where they came, in the direction of the closest subway station.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Kai blusters, hurriedly looking down at Taehyun. “You know I didn’t.”

“Sure,” Taehyun retorts and he bites his lip to quell the grin that wants to take over. Kai is so adorably flustered right now and Taehyun spares a moment to think that sure, the two of them might lead very different lives now but it’s still Taehyun and Kai.

Warmth blooms in his chest at the reassurance.

“Let’s go, hotshot,” Taehyun laughs and leans into Kai as his friend– as his something– wraps an arm over his shoulders while still grumbling under his breath about how mean Taehyun is to him.

Taehyun really wasn’t exaggerating. They’d spent more time outside than he’d realized and they really do catch the last train of the night. There are only a few people in the car– an office worker listening to music, a pair of teens at the other end whose laughter is infectious.

Where they’re sitting, though, is quiet enough. Taehyun and Kai sit close and Taehyun debates for a moment before deciding that it’s late enough and private enough to throw his legs over one of Kai’s, curling into him. The arm Kai had around his back tightens and Taehyun’s eyes close as he feels Kai nose along his ear.

Taehyun would have never guessed where the night would lead when he’d first been standing in front of that coffee shop, feeling like he was peering at a stranger.

“Tired,” Hueningkai asks, voice low.

Relaxing into Kai’s hold, Tae shakes his head. “Just comfortable,” he mumbles and the two of them enjoy the relative silence for several minutes.

It feels a little too mundane, Taehyun thinks. It feels like they could do this all the time.

Tilting his head up, Taehyun finds that Hueningkai’s already looking down at him. “Are you? You said you’d been up since early this morning.”

Hueningkai smiles and yeah, Taehyun can see the faint shadows under his eyes. He must’ve had make-up on for the interview earlier because his eyeliner is a little more smudged than could be considered artful right now. He looks painfully human and almost too beautiful to bear.

Still, Hueningkai shakes his head. “I’m wired,” he says on a laugh, soft grin on his face. “Feels like I’m lighting up from the inside out.”

And Taehyun can’t help himself. “Aren’t you worried you’re being too honest?”

Because while Taehyun might love it, his heart soaking up all of these affirmations that the love he’s carried for years was never the one-sided curse he assumed, it’s scary too, in a different way. All he’s ever wanted is honesty but this kind of honesty can be brutal, even if the other person craves it. A part of him knows that Kai’s always been like that, though. He doesn’t abide by rules others find stifling. He’s one of the strongest people that Taehyun’s ever known, possessing a sense of self that most people never find.

Kai considers him for a moment, lip pulled between his teeth. “No,” he says definitively. “We’ve spent too much time hiding. I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“Besides,” he adds, looking away. “You deserve to know how I feel. I–I want you to know that you’re it for me, Taehyun-ah. You’ve always been it. I know I fucked up all those years ago and I understood why you pulled away, even if it killed me. I don’t want to put either of us in a position again where we’re making faulty assumptions without all the information. So, there.”

Kai ends on an almost affronted note, like he’s daring Taehyun to argue with him.

Taehyun doesn’t want to argue. He just wants to be.

So, he lays his head against Kai’s shoulder and looks down at where their hands are intertwined on his thigh. He wouldn’t usually be so daring when it came to public displays of affection but the late night makes everything feel wonderfully clandestine.

“Okay,” he says, like everything really is that simple. He plays with Kai’s hand, twisting rings aimlessly, dancing along Kai’s fingers. “You’re it for me, too.”

He feels Kai lay his head over Taehyun’s and while Taehyun’s not sleepy, he can feel himself drifting. He keeps a halfhearted watch on how many stops they have until they need to get off.

As they approach his stop, Taehyun straightens. He leads Kai out of the station and the walk back is short, thankfully. The temperatures have continued to drop and a gentle snow falls as the two of them walk the few blocks to his apartment.

When he lets Kai in, Taehyun shivers. He’s glad he left the heat turned up before he left.

Taehyun doesn’t even get the time to turn on the entry way light before he’s being pulled into Hueningkai’s body. The door has barely shut before Kai’s tugging him close to kiss him.

It’s slow and achingly tender but that’s not what Taehyun wants right now. He’s tired of caution. He’s been so careful with the flame for ages. He’s ready to burn.

So he bites Kai’s lip– a quick nip that makes Kai gasp– just to slip his tongue into Kai’s mouth. Kai gets over his surprise immediately, shoving Taehyun’s coat off his shoulders as he leans down to press against his mouth harder.

Shrugging out of his own coat, Kai seems loathed to part for the time it takes to do so properly. The kiss grows messy and Taehyun’s head spins.

He stumbles closer to Kai, both of them ending up against the front door. The kiss is long, languorous and Taehyun shifts so that he can kiss down Kai’s neck, sucking a bruise where it meets his shoulder. His hands go to Kai’s front, fingers toying with the thin material as he slowly unbuttons his shirt. Once they’re all undone, Taehyun lets his hands press against warm skin.

Kai gasps, tilting his neck to give Taehyun enough space to kiss across the delicate curve of his collar bones. One hand rests against the firm muscle in Kai’s chest, the other pressing low against his back. He lets a nail scratch softly just above his waistband and Kai shudders in his hold.

With Kai’s hands at his hips, firm and sure, Taehyun feels like he’s losing his mind. He wants more, needs to see Kai fall apart.

He slips down to his knees and looks up at Kai from underneath his lashes.

Kai looks even taller at this angle and he’s such a sight for sore eyes. A flush trails down his chest, hair messy where it falls into his eyes. And his eyes– they’re burning, gaze cutting deep as every bit of his attention is on Taehyun.

His hands go to Kai’s belt, hovering. “Can I,” he asks and Taehyun can hear the desperation in his own voice.

“Yeah, fuck,” Hueningkai bites out. “Whatever you want.”

In the next second, Taehyun’s undoing Kai’s belt, unbuttoning his jeans until he can tug them down Kai’s thighs along with his underwear.

His cock is mostly hard and Taehyun’s mouth waters as he watches it fill out completely. He leans in, warm breath gentle as he licks along the length. Testing, kitten licks that do nothing but make Kai shiver.

He only teases for a minute though, Taehyun closing his mouth over the head of Kai’s cock as he feels gentle hands entangle in his hair. Not pushing, just holding, secure.

Taehyun might not do this as often as he likes but he’s never had a complaint. He hollows his mouth immediately, swallowing Kai down in a smooth move. He fights through his gag reflex, throat spasming around Kai, and inhales through his nose as he takes the last few inches, until his nose presses against the warm skin below Kai’s navel.

“God, Tyun,” Kai breathes, fingers curling in Taehyun’s hair. “You take me so well.”

Taehyun hums, starting a slow rhythm. His eyes water, jaw already aching. Kai feels so good and Taehyun loses himself in it. It feels like Kai’s taken over all of his senses and Taehyun’s always enjoyed giving head but it’s different with Hueningkai.

Everything about him– the feeling of hands in his hair, Kai’s smell– something deep and warm, potent– makes Taehyun’s head spin.

He takes a moment to suckle at the tip, Kai groaning as Taehyun quickly spits into his hand wraps a hand around the rest. He licks at Kai’s slit, tongue rough and firm. Kai’s dick is flushed a pretty pink and he lets a finger brush against Kai’s balls as he swallows around him again. Kai groans again, biting off a curse, and Taehyun feels his hips tense, like he’s trying not to buck into Taehyun’s mouth.

Taehyun wouldn’t mind that– just the idea of Kai fucking his throat raw makes him moan, high and whiny around Kai’s cock as he imagines Kai roughly shoving him down until he can’t breathe, until every thought begins and ends with Kai– but he likes this too, Kai being gentle and letting Taehyun take what he wants.

Losing track of time, Taehyun hums as Kai eventually tugs gently at his hair. He hadn’t even realized that his eyes had fallen shut but at the touch, Taehyun opens them, looking up at Kai with tears along his lashline.

He blinks and one falls. He feels Kai shudder and his gaze is so dark that Taehyun feels an echoing shiver down his spine.

“Can I fuck you,” Kai asks, voice low. He runs gentle fingers through Taehyun’s hair. “I’ll make you feel so good, Hyun-ah. Please, I don’t wanna come like this if that’s something you want.”

Taehyun lets Kai’s cock slip out of his mouth. He can’t resist and licks along the length again, taking his time. He feels so good. The ache in his jaw, the discomfort of his knees letting a feeling of satisfaction surge through him. He likes this, likes being Kai’s.

“Yes,” he whispers and makes eye contact with Kai as he kisses the skin of his hip, letting his nails dig in where he’d been holding onto Kai.

Kai urges him up and Taehyun’s legs threaten to buckle from being on his knees so long. Kai’s grip on him is firm, though, and Taehyun barely has time to pull Kai’s jeans and underwear up, Kai diving in to kiss him before Taehyun’s even straightened.

The kiss is filthy, Kai tasting himself on Taehyun’s tongue and they both moan. They stumble a few steps, trying to make their way out of the entryway and Kai trips hard into Taehyun as he tries to get his boots off without slowing down. Kai bites down on Taehyun’s lip and Taehyun hisses.

They break apart, gasping and then Taehyun giggles as Kai has to pull away completely, bending over to untie his laces.

“Easy there,” he teases. His heavy breathing takes some of the impact out of it though.

Kai laughs sheepishly, “If I’d known how the night would end up, I wouldn’t have worn these.”

Taehyun grins, toeing his own boots off as he watches Kai struggle. “Like I said before. Clumsy.”

Straightening, Kai wraps his arms low around Taehyun, pulling him close. “You try having your soul sucked out of your dick and tell me you wouldn’t forget about your shoes.”

Taehyun’s still laughing a little as Kai kisses him. He sucks on Taehyun’s bottom lip where he’d accidentally bitten, soothing any remaining sting with his tongue.

The levity of the moment eases something in Taehyun. There’s still heat scorching up his spine but there’s a comfort here, too. This is his Kai.

Nothing will change that.

He guides them back until he feels his bed and then he pulls Kai down over him.

Kai immediately makes a home in the cradle of Taehyun’s hips. He shrugs out of his open shirt and Taehyun’s hands roam over Kai’s back, over miles of warm skin. He presses fingers into muscle, lets his nails scratch lightly along his spine.

He feels Kai tug at his sweater and obliging sits up so that Kai can pull it over his head. He pulls Kai to him and their kisses grow deeper as Kai takes his turn exploring.

Taehyun arches as Kai trails a finger along his abs, featherlight.

“Sensitive,” Kai whispers, mouthing along his throat.

Nodding, Taehyun’s hand drift to Kai’s shoulders as he feels the trail of kisses move down along his chest, a mouth closing over his nipple to give a harsh suck, tongue rubbing incessant circles over the bud.

Taehyun gasps, presses Kai closer and Kai takes the hint. He feels a hint of teeth and Taehyun’s overwhelmed. Kai lets up after a minute, though, continuing his slow descent down his body.

He kisses Taehyun’s stomach, licks a stripe down his abs. He closes his teeth over the thin skin along his waistband, worrying the flesh. Taehyun buries his heads in Kai’s hair, gives a little tug at the sweet sting. Taehyun knows a mark will be there in the morning and finds himself full of want.

He wants Kai to mark him up, wants to have these little reminders that tonight wasn’t his fevered imagination.

A hand palms him through his jeans and Taehyun jerks, pressing into the warmth of Kai’s hand.

“Can I–”

Kai doesn’t even get a chance to finish before Taehyun’s gasping out a, “Yes, please,” head falling back as Kai presses down hard on the line of his cock through his jeans.

The pressure is just on the side of too much– the friction a little too dry, too hard– while at the same time not being nearly enough.

Kai undresses Taehyun, tossing his jeans over the edge of the bed before immediately diving in. Taehyun feels the warmth of his breath through his underwear and his fingers press deep into the mattress, tangling in the sheets as Kai noses along his length.

“Come on, Kai,” Taehyun pleads. “Don’t tease.”

“But it’s so much fun,” Kai says, cheek in his tone.

He listens to Taehyun, though, dragging his underwear down slowly. Taehyun’s cock is hard, dripping as it’s exposed to the chilly air.

“Lube?” Kai kisses Taehyun’s hip. His hands sweep along Taehyun’s thighs as he spreads them open wider.

Taehyun jerks his head toward his nightstand. “Top drawer.”

Kai leans over, reaching over him to grab the bottle and small strip of condoms laying next to it.

He tosses everything on the bed and spares another moment to take his rings off. The muted sound of jewelry hitting Taehyun’s nightstand feels loud.

Taehyun spares a moment to think that maybe he should be feeling self-conscious. After all, this is his best and oldest friend about to finger him open. There’s no coming back from that.

Taehyun doesn’t care.

He’s craved this for so long that there’s no room for shame or second thoughts. What was it that Kai had said? There was only walking ahead, making each choice as it came.

Taehyun chooses this. There is never a world where he doesn’t choose to have Hueningkai in this way.

He feels the press of a fingertip over his rim and jolts.

“Sorry,” Kai murmurs. “I know it’s cold.”

Taehyun smiles a little, relaxing from where he’d tensed up. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “Keep going.”

His eyes slip closed as Kai spreads lube around his rim, getting him nice and wet. He takes his time, easing Taehyun, and after a few moments presses his finger into Taehyun achingly slow.

The second finger comes soon enough and Taehyun’s hips flex as he adjusts.

Kai’s fingers are longer, Taehyun feeling so full already as Kai reaches places Taehyun can’t.

It’s been awhile since Taehyun had someone else do this and Kai seems to find his most sensitive spots with ease. Kai adds more lube as he scissors his fingers carefully, letting Taehyun set the pace.

From his place between Taehyun’s thighs, Kai seems entranced at the way Taehyun takes his fingers. When he adds a third, a whine tumbles out of Taehyun’s mouth at the stretch.

He fucks his fingers into Taehyun in a relentless rhythm then, pads of his fingers pressing deep into Taehyun and just barely grazing his prostate.

Precome spills out of Taehyun’s cock, flush against his stomach. Fuck, it’s so good. He usually has to use one of his toys to feel this good this fast, Taehyun thinks blearily but Kai’s managed to reduce him to this with just his fingers.

“Harder,” Taehyun gasps, arching into Kai’s fingers, rim fluttering around his knuckles and trying to get Kai just a little deeper. Kai doesn’t listen, instead stilling his fingers in Taehyun.

Taehyun bites out a quick, “Fuck,” and he can’t stop the way his hips jerk up. Kai keeps his hand still and Taehyun fucks himself on Kai’s fingers, a spark of lightning tightening his gut every time he gets too close to his prostate.

“Look at you,” Kai says, voice so low it almost breaks. “Can’t help yourself, can you? Want it so bad I don’t even need to do anything, just keep you full.”

“Yeah,” Taehyun breathes out. “Want you so bad, Kai-ah.”

Kai leans over him, kisses him as he starts moving his fingers again. Taehyun immediately wraps his arms around Kai’s neck, bringing him closer.

The kiss is messy, Taehyun feeling too much to do anything except pant into Kai’s mouth. Their tongues slide against each other, slick and dirty, and spit trickles down Taehyun’s chin. Kai laps it up and feeds it back to him and Taehyun moans low.

His nails dig into Kai’s shoulders and Kai gasps. “Get in me, Kai-ah. Come on, give it to me. I’m ready.”

Kai nods quickly, taking his hands off Taehyun just long enough to rid himself of the rest of his clothes.

Taehyun lays back, breathing hard as he watches Kai. His eyes scan over him, greedy, taking everything in.

Kai shoves a pillow under Taehyun’s hips and reaches for a condom. He tears the wrapper with little fuss, eyes trained on the way Taehyun shifts, wriggling his hips in anticipation.

He rolls the condom on, spreading more lube on it as he gives himself a firm stroke and Taehyun’s mouth drops open, so fucking ready to feel Kai in him.

Spreading his legs, Taehyun’s already reaching for Kai as he shifts towards him.

They’re pressed so close together and Taehyun’s breath catches as he feels the tip of Kai’s cock press against his hole, the slide just on the right side of too messy.

Kai’s fingers dig into the meat of Taehyun’s thighs as he presses in on one measured thrust, bottoming out before stilling to give Taehyun time to adjust.

Taehyun’s losing his mind.

Kai took his time preparing him but nothing could have readied Taehyun for feeling so full. If he thought that Kai’s fingers filled him just right then it’s nothing to the way his cock drives into him. He feels Kai’s cock throb deep in him and shudders hard.

Kai’s been still but tremors race down his spine. “Shit,” Kai breathes, licking over the line of his throat. “Knew you’d be good for me.”

Taehyun whines, hips tilting up. “Fuck me, Kai.” He feels his rim flutter around Kai’s cock, trying to accommodate him. The stretch is making him delirious and all he can think is that he wants more. “You said you’d make me feel good, come on.”

Kai laughs, something dark in its edge. He kisses the space behind Taehyun’s ear, lapping at his sweat. “You asked for it, sweetheart.” Taehyun’s toes curl at the promise in his tone.

Taehyun gasps as Kai pulls back just to snap his hips back into him. Kai sets a hard pace, his thrusts deep and steady as he fills Taehyun over and over again.

All Taehyun can do is hold on for dear life as Kai ruins him.

The noises that spill out of him will probably embarrass him in the morning but Taehyun’s mind is fuzzy. He’s so high he’s floating, Kai’s bruising grip on his hips the only thing tethering him.

“Oh my god,” Taehyun moans, eyes rolling back as Kai nails his prostate. “Right there, fuck, Kai.”

Kai grunts low, angling to keep pressure right where Taehyun wants. His breath is heavy, chest flexing with every thrust, the muscles in his stomach tensing as he drives into Taehyun with enough force to shove him up the bed.

Sweat beads along his hairline, in the hollow of his collarbones, and his flush runs down his chest. He’s a fucking vision, Taehyun thinks. He bites his lip right over where Kai had accidentally bit him earlier and the kiss of pain is an addictive little thrill.

He’s moved out of his thoughts on how perfect Kai looks fucking him as Kai pulls out without warning. Taehyun can’t help the sound that escapes him, a wounded whine at feeling so empty but he can’t even catch his breath before Kai turns him over and drags his hips up, immediately fucking back into him.

Taehyun scrabbles for his hands and knees, arching back into Kai. Another hard roll of Hueningkai’s hips and Taehyun’s knocked onto his elbows. He can’t get his bearings, everything in him narrowed down to where he’s connected with Kai.

He moans, low and drawn out, and Kai leans over him, a long line of heat against his back. He squeezes hard around Kai as he feels him bite his shoulder, switching to a deep grind that has Taehyun drooling into the sheets under him.

“Feel like a fucking dream around me, Tyun-ah.” Kai’s grip on his hips is so hard Tahyun can feel the press of each fingertip against taut muscle. “You feel good, baby? Because I’m feeling good. Feels like you were made for me, Taehyun-ah.”

Taehyun whimpers, the curve of his spine sharp as Kai yanks his hips even closer. Kai’s thumbs dig into his ass, pulling his cheeks apart just to thrust a few millimeters deeper. God, Taehyun swears he can feel Kai in his throat.

Every nerve ending crackles and Taehyun’s rapidly approaching the edge. The constant pressure against his prostate is driving him mad, feeling the way that Kai covers him completely makes Taehyun feel small, mind clouding over at how fucking wrecked he feels.

Kai’s fingers wrap around his dripping cock and Taehyun cries out, fucking into his fist. He doesn’t know if he wants to lean into the hand around him or back into Kai’s cock splitting him open.

“Fucking insatiable,” Kai whispers into his ear, tightening his grip around Taehyun’s cock. He lets go of Taehyun’s hip to press a palm flat against his stomach and Taehyun’s eyes roll back. It makes him feel so fucking full, like Kai is everywhere, taking over every piece of him to claim him whole.

“Let go, baby,” Kai murmurs against his ear, grinding deep, hips flexing against Taehyun’s ass. “Wanna feel you come around my cock, Tyun-ah.”

It only takes another moment for Taehyun to come, spilling into the sheets. His vision blurs, voice cracking on a high moan as Kai stays deep in him and milking his cock for every last drop.

It’s not until Taehyun collapses into the mattress that Kai starts moving again and prickles of oversensitivity scratch down Taehyun’s spine but he still feels so warm, so fucking good that all he can do is clench hard against Kai, smirking into the disgusting pillow as he feels Kai come into the condom, dick twitching deep inside him as Kai rides out his own orgasm while mouthing at the juncture where Taehyun’s neck meets his shoulder.

The room is filled with the sound of their breaths, chests heaving as Kai pulls out and ties off the condom.

Taehyun stays still, listening as Kai stumbles out of bed and around his apartment.

He doesn’t think he can feel his legs.

It’s a few minutes later when Taehyun feels gentle hands on him. Tahyun grumbles but lets himself be moved around until he’s facing Hueningkai, no longer laying in his own come.

Kai looks down at him, gaze so warm that it curls low in Taehyun’s stomach. Kai cleans him up, damp cloth careful over his stomach, thighs, his softened cock.

“How are you feeling,” Kai asks, eyes on his task.

Taehyun grins, something wicked and joyful in his eyes. “So fucking good,” he says. He giggles, airy. “I think you actually fucked my brains out.”

Hueningkai huffs out a laugh. “Glad you’re feeling good, baby.”

“So good,” Taehyun repeats and reaches for Kai.

Kai leans down obligingly and their kiss is slow and sweet. Kai dips his tongue into Taehyun’s mouth, curling around Taehyun’s in a move so sensual that Taehyun shivers, even though there’s no way he can do anything else tonight.

They kiss for long moments before Kai eventually pulls away, softly hushing Taehyun when he whines in protest. “We should change the sheets,” Kai says apologetically, kissing along his cheek.

Taehyun shakes his head, turning to his side. “We’ll just sleep over here,” he says. Exhaustion suddenly drops over him, his eyes so heavy as he relaxes into his bed. “We can do it in the morning.”

Kai sounds doubtful as he replies, “If you want,” but he crawls behind Taehyun without hesitation. He pulls the comforter over them from where it had been shoved down to the foot of the bed.

Nestling against his back, Kai is so warm that a sound of pure contentment escapes Taehyun. They’re both naked, Kai’s arm around his waist as he pulls Taehyun close, nosing along his hair.

“Night, Taehyunnie,” Kai whispers, kissing the nape of his neck.

“Goodnight, Kai-ah,” Taehyun murmurs.

The last thing he remembers before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep is how light he feels.

 

The first thing Taehyun’s aware of the next morning is how used he feels. He’s sore, the muscles in his back and thighs protesting as he rolls over onto his front. The sun shines bright even through his closed lids and Taehyun likes keeping his curtains open but he wishes he’d had the foresight to close them yesterday.

As his mind flashes through everything that had happened last night, Taehyun has a split second to worry when he doesn’t feel the warmth of another body in his bed but before the anxiety can even begin to set its nails into him, he smells coffee and hears humming that’s so familiar that his heart aches with it.

He can almost picture that he’s back in college, in the small off-campus apartment that he shared with Kai for two years. It feels like he’s a sophomore again, having fallen asleep in their living room as he studied late into the night, being woken up to his best friend singing some melody that was stuck in his head.

This morning is something else, though, Taehyun thinks and bites back a happy noise at everything that’s happened over the past twelve hours.

He feels energized, no matter that he knows he’s in desperate need of a shower and coffee. Rolling over, Taehyun opens his eyes and sees Kai peering at his bookcase, full to bursting with a little bit of everything– books and albums, pictures and little mementos that betray his sentimentality.

He looks beautiful in the morning light. He’d pulled on his underwear when he’d gotten out of bed and he looks at home standing in Taehyun’s living room, looking down at a book whose title Taehyun can’t see from this angle.

His hair is messy, falling into his eyes. Taehyun just barely sees the faintest scratch marks along Kai’s shoulders and something in him thrums— part possession but mostly a deep sense of satisfaction.

As Taehyun moves around, though, Kai looks over and his smile is instant as he realizes that Taehyun’s awake.

He walks the few steps over to the bed, sitting down on the edge. Kai smiles down at him, brushing his hair back off his face. Leaning down, he kisses Taehyun’s forehead, his nose, pressing tender lips against his mouth in a sweet kiss.

“Good morning,” Kai murmurs, smile quiet. His eyes glow with a restrained sort of happiness.

Taehyun reaches up, placing a hand along Kai’s neck, thumb sweeping along his cheek. “Morning,” he whispers, voice rough around the edges.

Kai’s smile softens a little, uncertainty in his gaze as he studies Taehyun. “How are you feeling?”

A dozen answers drift through Taehyun’s mind. He settles on the simplest. “Really good,” he replies, and he watches as lingering tension he hadn’t noticed disappears from Kai’s shoulders. “You?”

Kai grins. “Really good,” he echoes and Taehyun feels a tendril of pure warmth rock through him at the look in Kai’s eyes.

It’s something light with an undercurrent of care, just a hint at a deep well of emotion. Just the hint is enough to steal Taehyun’s breath.

“Let’s shower,” Kai urges, running an aimless finger along Taehyun’s arm. Goosebumps raise in his wake.

“Together,” Taehyun asks dumbly, eyes widening a little.

Kai grins, bright and quick. “Why, are you getting shy on me now?”

Taehyun, inexplicably, feels his face heat up. He turns away but knows his burning ears give him away. “No,” he insists, stubborn. “Go away.”

Kai laughs, loud in the quiet of Taehyun’s apartment. He leans down until Taehyun feels him against his back, hovering over him. “Jesus, you’re so cute.”

“Not cute,” Taehyun grumbles.

“You’re right,” Kai says. “You’re the cutest.”

Nosing along the back of his neck, Kai lets one of his hands brush down Taehyun’s side where he’s ticklish.

But Kai knew that and when Taehyun jerks, he feels a grin pressed against his shoulder.

“Leave me alone,” Taehyun says. His lips twitch, though, and he knows that Kai has to hear the smile in his voice.

Kai kisses the shell of his ear, tongue teasing along its edge. His hand has come down to his bare hip and he squeezes, gentle with the tiniest hint of strength. “Come on, Taehyunnie,” he murmurs. “You were so good for me last night. What’s happened, baby?”

And Taehyun whines even as he presses back, seeking out Kai’s warmth. It’s silent for a few moments, Taehyun unsure how to explain the mix of mushy emotions pulsing in his core.

He’s happy, feels light as air. He’s the tiniest bit embarrassed at just how shameless he was last night, the bright light of day making him want to hide. He feels disgusting and no matter that they’ve seen each other at their bests at most terrible worsts, Taehyun just can’t explain why the thought of washing up with Kai makes him a little self conscious.

God, he thinks. It’s not even like Kai came in him last night– and just the idea of Kai cleaning him out afterwards makes him bury his face in the pillow they’d shared last night, turning fully onto his front.

The only explanation he has is that it’s Kai. Taehyun has never cared what any of his other partners thought of him, has never worried about being on the edge of filthy and needy. Kai makes him want to shy away. It feels like another barrier in their friendship-turned-something-else is falling away.

“I’m dirty,” Taehyun finally mutters, petulant.

Kai licks up his neck. “I can make you dirtier, though,” he whispers, low and teasing.

Taehyun bites his lip, suppressing a shiver. He feels Kai straddle him, starting slow kisses across his back. He’s aimless, kissing down his spine, sucking a bruise low on Taehyun’s back. Taehyun shifts a little, squirming, and Kai starts kissing up the other side. He palms Taehyun’s ass, thumbs digging into muscle and Taehyun sighs, rocking absently into the bed under him, seeking the tiny tendrils of pleasure at the motion.

By the time Kai is closing gentle teeth over his shoulder, Taehyun’s hips are pressed deep into the mattress. He feels Kai drop down over him, his half-hard cock nestling between his cheeks in a slow grind.

Taehyun gasps a little, turning his head to the side as his mouth falls open. Heat coils low in his stomach and Kai is so warm over him. It feels like Kai completely surrounds him and Taehyun loves it. His lashes flutter as his gut clenches at a particularly rough thrust.

But Taehyun knows that he can’t come from this, even if it does have his toes curling. He wriggles an arm out from Kai to nudge him wherever he can reach.

Kai slows the leisurely grind. He noses along Teahyun’s ear in question.

Arching his ass into Kai, Taehyun urges him up. “I thought you wanted to shower together?”

“You said you didn’t want to.” Kai lets himself be moved, tilting away to give Taehyun the space to get out of bed. His tone lilts at the end, a question.

Taehyun looks down at him, eyes scanning down his body with a little smile. “We’re not coming unless soap and water are in the vicinity. Let’s go.”

Kai doesn’t need to be told twice and the next few minutes are spent preparing for the shower. Taehyun’s bathroom is small– but Kai stays extra close anyway.

Once hot water is pouring over them, Taehyun finds that any remnants of uncertainty wash away. Kai is so sweet, washing and conditioning Taehyun’s hair. He washes Taehyun down, fingers massaging his sensitive limbs. Taehyun enjoys returning the favor.

That ends up being a waste, though, as Kai spies the tiny bottle of silicon-based lube hiding behind an oversized bottle of body wash. Taehyun’s moans echo in the small bathroom as Kai wraps a hand around both of them, fist tight as he crowds Taehyun against the cool bathroom tile.

Hitching a leg around Kai’s waist, Taehyun pulls Kai down until they’re kissing, slick and messy. Kai presses his forehead against Taehyun’s after a few minutes, gaze locked on the way their cocks look together. Taehyun thrusts into the tight grip of Kai’s hand and Kai hisses out a breath, eyes dark.

It only takes a few minutes for Kai to spill across their stomachs, Taehyun following not far after.

Cleaning up again goes quickly, both of them loose and giggly. Taehyun starts talking a mile a minute about some documentary he watched last week and Kai listens attentively as he kneels in the shower to scrub Taehyun’s legs, his feet, between his toes.

When Taehyun turns around, Kai is looking down at him with a soft look in his eye. Taehyun beams at him, explaining another fun fact, and Kai hums in all the appropriate places as they finish their shower.

Brushing their teeth side by side is an experience Taehyun could definitely get used to and Taehyun rummages through his drawers afterwards looking for something Hueningkai can wear.

He eventually turns up a pair of old sweats that Soobin must’ve left last time he visited and hands Kai one of his more oversized hoodies.

Dressed in something similar himself, Taehyun pulls Kai into the kitchen where they start making breakfast.

Starving, Taehyun takes a look in his fridge and decides to whip up a quick fried rice with a few side dishes he has leftover from earlier in the week.

“What do you want me to do?”

Taehyun hands Kai some fresh fruit. “Wash and cut everything up, please. You can just throw it all into one of the large serving bowls.”

Kai does as asked– he’s no chef but he can follow directions– and Taehyun focuses on making the breakfast. He fries a few eggs to mix in with the rice and very soon, the whole apartment smells amazing.

The two of them chat away as they prepare breakfast, all the way through eating and cleaning up. Five years is a long time but as Hueningkai talks about the time Soobin got scammed out of everything but the shirt off his back one night in Jakarta, Taehyun listening attentively as Kai talks about an eclectic little breakfast spot he found one early morning in Toronto, Taehyun finds that he’s looking forward to learning what he’s missed, can’t wait to find those new pieces of Kai and learn those, too.

It’s late in the morning by the time they’re cleaning up. Taehyun changed the sheets while Kai dried the last of their dishes and they fall back into bed together, Taehyun’s head resting on Kai’s chest.

Kai plays with his hair, running careful fingers through it.

He seems lost in thought but Taehyun lets him go, knowing he’ll speak up when he’s ready.

“I have a question,” Kai starts quietly after several long moments. Taehyun was almost asleep, the hand in his hair so soothing.

Taehyun hums a little. He’s facing the window and he sees snow fall, sky cloudy. He feels nothing but warmth in Kai’s arms.

“When I was looking at your shelves earlier, I saw some pictures.”

Taehyun tilts his head up to peer at Kai’s face. “That’s not a question,” he says, careful.

Kai looks in his eyes, hesitating for a second before he adds, “There are a lot of photos with the hyungs but I don’t recognize you in most of them.”

Taehyun’s voice is quiet. “Just because I cut you out doesn’t mean that they stopped being my friends.”

He knows the pictures that Hueningkai is probably talking about. While the band went on tour every year, the hyungs still made a point to visit whenever they were in Seoul. There were pictures of him and Yeonjun hiking, a photo Beomgyu had insisted on at an art gallery, a quick picture Soobin had snapped at a barbecue restaurant where Taehyun’s hair was a bright pink during those six months he’d had a nose piercing.

There are other pictures too– the three of them out one night in Itaewon, a strip of silly pictures taken during an impromptu karaoke session, a couple from the weekend camping trip the four of them had gone on two years ago.

Kai looks up at the ceiling, biting his lip as he thinks through what he wants to say next. “I know. I’m not saying you should have ended things with them, too. It’s just– seeing those photos, it became real. I lost out on five years with you because I was scared. I hate that I did that, to both of us.”

Taehyun weighs Kai’s words. Before he can get his thoughts together, Kai is continuing.

“I’m sorry.” Kai reaches for his hand, playing with his fingers absently. “I don’t want to miss out on anything else.”

And Taehyun knows what he means. He knows that Hueningkai has chosen a career that necessitates him being gone as often as he’s here. It’s about effort, though. That’s what matters to Taehyun.

“Then don’t,” he says simply.

Kai looks over at him, brow furrowed.

“If we’re going to do this, you need to stop being sorry. What’s done is done. We can’t go back, even if we wanted to. What matters to me is what happens from here.”

Taehyun raises up on an elbow. Now it’s his turn to brush careful hands through Kai’s hair, guiding a stray lock out of his eyes. “There’s always been a space for you next to me,” Taehyun says softly. “You just need to take it.”

Kai opens his mouth but Taehyun holds a finger up, gentle but insistent. “But I want to be clear, Kai. You might be my longest, most terrible dream but I lived without you for five years. And I’ll carve out my own heart before I let you break it again.”

Kai’s eyes are still on him, brimming with some indefinable emotion. Taehyun doesn’t know what it is but Kai nods, solemn.

He kisses Kai’s forehead and then his mouth before settling back against Hueningkai. Kai sweeps a hand along his back, slow and aimless.

“To the future, then,” Kai says eventually. “We can make it work, Tyun-ah. I know it.”

“Yeah,” Taehyun yawns, wriggling closer. “It just has to be worth the effort.”

He feels Kai kiss the top of his head. “Well, then, it’s a good thing you’re my everything.”

Taehyun smiles softly, sleep dragging him down. He presses one last kiss against Kai’s heart before burrowing deep into Kai’s side. “And you’re mine,” he mumbles, drifting into a nap.

Kai doesn’t fall asleep for a long while, too full of the feeling surging through him. No matter Taehyun’s pragmatic admonishments, Kai does feel regret, a deep well of it. He’d been so stupid, careless with the one thing that mattered most to him.

But, he supposes Taehyun is right. The only thing to do now is never repeat that mistake again.

For someone who’s life thrives on unpredictability, the past twenty four hours have been a fucking whirlwind.

Kai had been sick with nerves just sending the text to Taehyun last week, asking if they could grab coffee and catch up. Seeing Taehyun in person after so many years had wrenched the breath from his lungs– it had been a bitter pill to see how Taehyun had changed.

His face more angular, his hair longer than he’d liked to keep it in college. His fashion sense had seemed a little more sophisticated too– and while Kai won’t be winning any best-dressed awards on his own, Taehyun’s outfit yesterday was a far cry from the muscle tees and sweats that he used to favor.

Though, as Kai looks down, he wonders if maybe Taehyun hadn’t changed all that much, really. Maybe, he wonders with a glowing warmth beating behind his chest, Taehyun had dressed up for him.

Kai finds the idea soothing considering he’d annoyed Beomgyu, Soobin, and Yeonjun endlessly in the days leading up to their coffee date.

And Kai grows giddy at thinking that because yes, it had turned out to be a date. He’d been so nervous but conversation had flowed well and Kai was immediately overcome with a yearning so immense that he knew his knees would have buckled if he’d been standing.

He missed the easiness he used to have with Taehyun and getting those hints last night had killed him, reminding him of what he’d lost.

As he continues his slow, steady sweep along Taehyun’s back, though, Kai is filled with resolution. What Taehyun had said at the coffee shop stunned him at the time and it still leaves him breathless.

Because Kai knows that Taehyun is the one who can handle him. He’s the only one Kai’s ever wanted and while the road may not always be easy or smooth, Kai’s filled with an almost unbearable excitement at getting the chance to travel down that path with Taehyun.

Kai loses track of how much time he spends, thinking about everything that’s happened in the past twenty four hours while staring down at a sleeping Taehyun.

He probably looks like a lovesick fool, Kai thinks, but he doesn’t fucking care.

Having Tahyun in his arms like this is Kai’s longest, most enduring wish and he’s going to savor this feeling for as long as he’s able.

Kai buries gentle fingers in Taehyun’s hair, scratching his scalp so carefully. Taehyun hums, shifting closer in sleep and throwing a leg over him, and Kai’s heart turns over. He kisses the top of Tahyun’s head, tilting his head down to nose along his temple.

He’s just about to drift to sleep too, feeling so warm and light. Kai’s been pervaded with a sense of yearning for so long, that a part of him doesn’t know how to act now that things are finally mended between him and Taehyun. That feeling– a tightness in his chest, a persistent ache behind his ribs– is incongruous now.

Sometimes he missed Taehyun so sharply that it felt like he was missing a limb– like he’d look over, expecting to see Taehyun next to him, laughing or practicing his latest magic trick with stars in his eyes. But then Kai would look over– in the back of private cars, in dressing rooms in venues across the world, in empty, impersonal hotel rooms. And Kai would realize with an almost violent clarity that he was alone.

Holding Taehyun in his arms right now feels right. Hueningkai thinks he could stay here forever, content enough as his arm goes numb under Taehyun.

Kai’s tired too, his own emotions– anxiety and elation, finally have an outlet for the sheer want that’s been his driving constant since he was fifteen– and Kai’s eyes feel heavy. He’s so happy right now.

Seconds from slipping under and joining Taehyun in his nap, Kai doesn’t place the sound of electronic beeping. By the time he realizes what the sound is, the front door is swinging open.

Hueningkai freezes for a moment until he realizes that he recognizes that silhouette.

He doesn’t say anything, though, loathe to wake Taehyun up. He’s probably exhausted too, Kai thinks, between the emotions of the past day and Kai can admit he’d worked him over, feeling insatiable himself at finally having the privilege to touch Tahyun in the way he’d craved for so long.

He watches quietly as Yeonjun toes off his shoes, careful not to hit the takeout bag against the wall.

“Taehyun-ah,” he calls out, softly. “You here? I called a few times but you didn’t answer. I was worried.”

Taehyun’s apartment isn’t that big and it only takes Yeonjun a moment to set the bag on the counter before he’s spinning around to take in the rest of the apartment.

Kai doesn’t move, still groggy from being so close to falling asleep, and stays settled under Taehyun. His face is still turned towards the soft weight on his chest, nose pressed against the warm skin by his hair.

He hears Yeonjun still for a long moment before careful footsteps walk over to the edge of the bed. Kai doesn’t move immediately but when Yeonjun doesn’t do anything else, he tilts his head up, blinking slowly at one of his best friends.

Yeonjun is staring down at them with a blank expression. It’s not unhappy but there’s no levity in his gaze.

Kai meets his eyes without flinching.

“Does he know,” Yeonjun asks, finally breaking the silence. His voice is pitched low so as to not wake up Taehyun.

“Yeah,” Kai whispers. “I told him everything.”

Yeonjun watches them for a minute, eyes scanning them. He clocks the protective arm on Taehyun’s back, the way Taehyun’s holding onto the edge of Kai’s hoodie in a fist, even in his sleep.

Exhaling a long breath, all Yeonjun can think is fucking finally.

“I called and texted Hyunnie a few times last night and this morning but he wasn’t answering anything. I was worried, you know.” Yeonjun murmurs. “Thought I’d have to piece him back together.”

There’s not much Hueningkai can say to that. All he can do is be thankful that Taehyun’s had a hyung to look out for him, in the same way he’s relied on Beomgyu and Soobin over the years.

“We’re good, hyung.” Hueningkai’s voice is low, a little rough. “I know not everything is fixed but we’ll get there, I think.”

“Yeah,” Yeonjun sighs, finally smiling down at them a little. “I think you two will be be just fine.”

It’s quiet for a few moments and Kai feels the need surge up in him, sudden desperation to get the words out, to voice words that are half confession, half oath.

“I love him, hyung,” Kai whispers and a hoarseness lurks in the tone. He looks down at Taehyun who looks so peaceful in sleep and then back up at Yeonjun. “So much.”

Yeonjun’s lowered his guard but there’s a sharpness in his gaze that eviscerates Kai. He’s always been good at spotting bullshit.

And even though the hyungs have known Kai’s feelings for almost as long as he’s had them, they’ve also been witness to the fallout. Kai wants to let them know that he’s serious, make sure that they understand that this is the turning point.

“I know, Kai-ah,” Yeonjun says softly. “I know.”

He reaches down, runs a messy hand gently over Kai’s hair before brushing a stray hair off Taehyun’s brow. “I’ll get going. Now that I know he’s in good hands, I’ll leave you two alone.”

Kai nods, watching as Yeonjun places the takeout in the fridge. Grabbing his coat, Yeonjun slips into his shoes and is reaching for the door when Kai calls out a soft, “Hey, hyung.”

Yeonjun looks back but doesn’t say anything.

“I got my shit together with Taehyun. When will you and Beomgyu hyung do the same?”

Kai’s tone is teasing with a serious undertone. He’s genuinely asking. It feels only right, Kai thinks, for Beomgyu and Yeonjun to finally have that peace, too, after so long dancing around each other.

Raising a brow, Yeonjun spares a moment to look out the window, gaze stormy. The look disappears almost as quickly as it came, though, and Kai can’t help but wonder why things can never be easy. Beomgyu and Yeonjun have always been particularly tightlipped about whatever was going on between them, even if the depth of affection and care has always pooled at the surface.

And Kai might have his suspicions but it's never been his place to say. All Kai knows is that his hyungs deserve the same happiness he’s finally found with Taehyun.

“You never know, Kai.” Yeonjun grins, equal parts bright and wicked sharp. “Maybe we’re waiting for something.”

Kai’s tone is doubtful as he replies, “Don’t wait too long, hyung. You should take things when you have the chance.”

Yeonjun’s expression softens. “Don’t worry, Kai-ah. Beomgyu and I have always been on the same page.”

All Kai can do is nod, while doubt still lingers in his eyes. He doesn’t say anything else, though, and with a last look at the two of them, Yeonjun waves and leaves Taehyun’s apartment.

Kai releases a deep breath he hadn’t even known he was holding.

Yeonjun’s always been protective. And after everything that happened at that tour party, he’d been cold to Kai for months, not understanding why he hadn’t been able to come clean to Taehyun. He’d never said as much to Kai– or the others, as far as Kai knows– but Kai could read between the lines.

Yeonjun was there for Taehyun in a way that Kai couldn’t be, present in the way Soobin and Beomgyu couldn’t be either, as their jobs just grew ever more demanding.

Hueningkai knew that Soobin and Beomgyu were still close to Taehyun. His hyungs weren’t apologetic about still being Taehyun’s best friends, too, and while realizing the depth of his folly hurt, all Kai could be was be grateful that Taehyun still had a steadfast support system.

As tension bleeds out of Kai, he feels exhaustion ride him hard. He blinks slowly, pulling Taehyun imperceptibly closer as he makes a vow to himself and Taehyun.

This is worth everything to Kai. The fresh bloom of a relationship, the earnest work of repairing his closest friendship.

He’s been so lucky, Kai thinks as his edges blur into sleep. He started a band with his best friends and saw that band reach meteoric success. He has the bank account to reflect that fame and notoriety, the freedom at this stage of his career to put his foot down when it matters.

He has the love of his life in his arms, no secrets between them at last.

He’ll do anything to preserve this peace, Kai knows. The love that beats in his heart, through every cell in his body, has never wavered. No time or distance could erode the feelings he holds for Taehyun– deeper than love, it’s the adoration and joy. The quiet happiness that sparks when they’re with each other.

Kissing Taehyun’s forehead, Kai falls asleep knowing that a life spent loving Taehyun is a privilege that he won’t ever take for granted.

 

Six Months Later

The music in the bar is loud but it’s still no match for Beomgyu as he hands the tray of shots around.

Once everyone’s been given their glass– this round is bright red and no doubt lethal– Beomgyu raises his shot first.

“To Dr. Kang,” he shouts. “The best damn physics professor our university will ever have!”

Everyone downs their shots after clinking the glasses together in the cheer, echoing Beomgyu’s boast.

Taehyun finds the shot ridiculously sweet. He already wants another.

Yeonjun throws an arm around his shoulders. “How does it feel, Taehyun-ah,” he asks, grinning. “Not only did you successfully defend your thesis but you got a job offer in the same month.”

“Tyun-ah’s not an overachiever for nothing,” Soobin teases. He tips the beer that had been in his other hand towards Taehyun. “I knew he’d get both.”

Ducking away at the certainty in Soobin’s voice, Taehyun presses back against his boyfriend. “I really didn’t think I’d get it,” he demures. “I heard they were favoring another Ph.D. student from Osaka for the position.”

He feels laughter against his back as an arm wraps low around his stomach. “Don’t listen to him,” Kai laughs. “I watched him prepare for every interview like his life was on the line. There’s no way anyone could resist Kang Taehyun when he’s ready for battle.”

Looking back up at Kai, Taehyun pouts. “I really wanted it.”

Kai leans down, smile bright and fond. “I know you did, baby,” he says. “And you worked your ass off to get it.”

He kisses Taehyun, something quick and teasing. “You were so sexy practicing your lectures, Hyun-ah. Not to mention your mock defense trials. My baby is so smart.”

Taehyun turns around, huffing even though a pleased smile curves his mouth. He looks over to see Yeonjun and Soobin watching them with a smile.

“We’ll allow gross displays of public affection tonight since it’s your celebration,” Yeonjun says, magnanimous. “Don’t make us regret it.”

Taehyun laughs and the night passes smoothly, edges blurred with liquor and the lightness that warms his chest.

The past six months have been the most stressful of Taehyun’s life.

There were the weeks when he was sure that he wouldn’t make the deadline for his dissertation’s final draft. He’d gone to Professor Min one evening in March and almost had a breakdown because one of his equations had been turning him inside out.

He’d ended up going over to Kai’s apartment in the late hours of the night– more like morning– and Kai had welcomed him with open arms as he’d cried into his shoulder from the all pent-up stress and exhaustion.

Kai had just gotten home himself, a late night studio session with Beomgyu occupying his evening as they eased back into writing.

Once Taehyun’s tears had dried a little, Kai had dragged them out to the nearest convenience store and they’d eaten ramen and a small mountain of chocolate cornets while Kai had continued to talk him down and distract him, by turn.

In the end, Taehyun had managed to successfully earn his doctorate degree and while that had been going on, he’d started rounds of interviews at their alma mater.

He still couldn’t believe that Professor Min was going to be not just a mentor but a coworker. It was so surreal.

But Tahyun was so happy.

He’s lost track of how many drinks he’s had handed to him but Taehyun feels happiness radiating through every limb, warm and hazy as he dances with Hueningkai towards the edge of the packed dancefloor.

The bass is low and Kai’s pulled him tight against his front.

Taehyun and Yeonjun had gotten ready together, Kai over at Soobin’s place with Beomgyu. While those three had spent most of the day gaming before getting ready, it had been nice for Taehyun to spend some quality time with his closest hyung.

Yeonjun had been abroad for a couple of months earlier in the spring, under the guise of following one of his groups on tour. Every time they talked or video-called, though, Yeonjun had looked almost hunted. Taehyun was well acquainted with what Yeonjun looked like when his role as choreographer was getting to him. No, this was something else.

If Taehyun didn’t know better, he’d say that Yeonjun was running from something.

Soobin had taken an unexpected vacation around that time. Just a long weekend, really. He wouldn’t tell anyone where he was going but Beomgyu was noticeably stressed during the entire time he was gone, snappish and on edge.

Within two weeks of his return, something had settled in Yeonjun. It was clear that there was something going on with him lately– he looked happier, like there was a secret always on the verge of spilling from his lips.

Taehyun didn’t ask, though he couldn’t help a comment from slipping as he’d helped Yeonjun decide between two sheer shirts.

“Hyung looks happy these days,” Taehyun said, choosing the black shirt. Yeonjun had nodded absently, shrugging it on and buttoning only the last few buttons, leaving his chest and most of his stomach on display.

Taehyun had raised a brow as Yeonjun’s ears flushed.

“You aren’t the only one who can play the long game,” Yeonjun had muttered, slipping into skintight leather pants. “All games end eventually, though,” he’d added with a grin and the look in his eye had been positively wicked as he’d started picking out his jewelry.

Now, as Taehyun opens his eyes and spots the shock of Soobin’s blond hair, his jaw drops open.

He reaches behind him, nudging Kai’s side and slowing down their dance– that, really, had really started to err on grinding to the dj’s remix– as he realizes what he’s seeing.

Kai’s slow as he lifts his head from where he’d been resting against Taehyun’s shoulder, hand stilling as he’d been inching sly fingers up under Taehyun’s skirt.

“Baby,” he asks, nosing along Taehyun’s hair. He kisses the space behind Taehyun’s ear, tongue dipping out to taste the sweat along his neck.

“Kai-ah,” Taehyun hisses and jerks his head towards the middle of the dance floor. “Did we know about this?”

He feels Kai look in the direction he’s pointing and his boyfriend stills.

“Huh,” he says after a moment, low against Taehyun’s ear. “About time they got their shit together.”

Because in the middle of the dancefloor, Soobin is between Yeonjun and Beomgyu. Yeonjun’s kissing along the back of Soobin’s neck, while Soobin holds Beomgyu close with hands tight on Beomgyu’s hips, urging him back.

Taehyun watches as Beomgyu turns around, one of Soobin’s thighs slipping between his and it’s hard to tell where each of the three end, they’re so intertwined.

Taehyun whirls around, mind racing even through the dozen shots he’s had tonight. “You knew?”

Hueningkai shrugs at Taehyun’s incredulous expression. “Soobin’s not as oblivious as he pretends to be,” is all Kai says, cryptic.

Taehyun thinks he can see it now that it’s been shoved in his face– it’s in the way Yeonjun was always jealous when he saw someone on Soobin’s story that he didn’t know. He remembers Soobin staring wistfully at Yeonjun and Beomgyu once when the four of them had gone to brunch one morning a few years ago, a surprisingly poignant expression, Taehyun had thought, for nine in the morning.

It’s easy enough to leave the hyungs to their own devices, though, as Kai pulls him in close. Kai kisses him, easy now after months of learning each other, and Taehyun finds himself smiling into his boyfriend’s mouth.

The kiss turns a little messy, and Taehyun giggles.

Kai kisses along the curve of Taehyun’s jaw, sucking his ear into his mouth and Taehyun arches into Kai, trying to get closer.

“Feeling good, sweetheart,” Kai asks, voice so low that Taehyun barely hears him.

Nodding, Taehyun’s hands slide from Kai’s shoulders down to his chest, sweeping firmly down to his middle. “Yeah,” he breathes, eyes closing on a sigh. “So good.”

Taehyun and Kai call it a night a little after midnight, losing track of how many songs they dance to, while interspersing with a few more rounds of drinks.

During one of Soobin’s rounds, Taehyun meets Yeonjun’s eyes and raises a brow.

Yeonjun just grins at him for a second before he’s distracted as Beomgyu wraps an arm low around his back, pulling him close.

As Taehyun and Kai leave the club, the evening air is warm and breezy, summer almost here.

It feels refreshing after being in a dense club for hours.

They start down the block and Taehyun doesn’t startle as someone still waiting to get in line calls out a tentative, “Hueningkai?”

He watches as Kai heads over, slipping easily into work mode even though he’s definitely tipsy.

All Taehyun feels is fond, content to hang back as Kai signs the back of a phone case and takes a selfie with his signature wink and peace sign, all the while keeping a casual conversation with the fan and her girlfriend.

When he turns back towards Taehyun, the fan waves to him, a little shy.

Taehyun, feeling loose and a little floaty, waves back and takes a few steps to close the distance between him and Kai.

“You two are so cute, by the way,” she says as Hueningkai places his arm over Taehyun’s shoulders, pulling him close.

“Congratulations, Dr. Kang,” the girlfriend adds with a laugh.

Taehyun tilts hit head to the side, confused, but Kai laughs sheepishly at his side.

“Beomgyu hyung might have posted on the band’s Instagram,” he admits. “I think there’s a story of us in there during one of the toasts.”

Taehyun’s eyes widen in understanding and it’s weird, to have total strangers know pieces of him, but these fans are nice– respectful and kind– and it’s a celebratory night.

“Thank you,” he says, smiling bright as he leans into Kai, hand on his boyfriend’s chest to keep steady.

He giggles, a little, a mix of feelings bubbling in his chest– happiness that Kai has such sweet fans and the pervasive joy that’s been riding his shoulders since the chair of the physics department called yesterday with a job offer. As always, there’s the warm contentment that tingles down his spine as Kai holds him close.

Now that he’s out of the club, Taehyun thinks he might be a little more drunk than he thought.

Kai bows as he starts turning away and Taehyun calls out a cheerful goodnight that has the couple laughing and returning his words with amusement.

Hueningkai and Taehyun stroll a few blocks, slow as they chat about everything, nothing in particular. From the corner of his eye, Taehyun sees one of the band’s security guys tailing them, discreet in his street clothes.

It’s been an adjustment, Taehyun thinks, as their conversation drifts to a natural end.

He’d known a lot of what to expect from his friends but it was still different to experience it personally. Some of it’s been good or at least fine but there have been a few incidents that have left Taehyun angry, caught off guard and embarrassed about it.

Hueningkai has been there, though, and so have the hyungs.

And Taehyun had been right– he wouldn’t trade this for the world.

“What are you thinking about,” Kai asks, breaking the lull.

Taehyun starts guiding them towards a street vendor on the corner selling bungeoppang, suddenly craving something sweet and fried.

“How happy I am,” Taehyun says quietly, reaching up to tangle his hand with Kai’s where it rests over his shoulder.

Kai squeezes his fingers gently, thumb brushing over the back of his hand. “You deserve it.”

Taehyun looks up, finds Kai smiling down at him softly.

“I love you,” Taehyun says, easy. It’s as simple as breathing.

Hueningkai pauses in front of the food stall, turning Taehyun around until they’re facing each other. He holds Taehyun’s hands, pulling him in for a sweet kiss.

It lingers, Kai’s lips warm and soft as he brushes his mouth against Taehyun’s.

When they break apart, they smile. It’s a little silly but the look in Kai’s eyes is arresting.

“Love you too, Hyun-ah.”

Taehyun leans in, hugging Kai close. He buries his face in Kai’s neck, feels warm and secure as Kai squeezes him gently.

Sighing into Kai, Taehyun thinks that there’s no place he’d rather be, than right here in Kai’s arms.

“What do you think,” Kai whispers in his ear. “Red bean or custard?”

And Taehyun laughs, pulling back to see Kai grinning at him.

“Both,” he decides. “One of each.”

Kai nods, stepping up to the sweet ahjumma and ordering.

The dessert is hot and fresh and hits the spot after a night spent drinking.

They share the treats between them as they walk down to where Kai’s driver waits, just past the light.

Kai had ordered a few extra, giving them to the driver and security staff and as they slip into the backseat of the car, Taehyun feels free.

Everything he’s ever wanted is in his grasp.

Things won’t always be so easy– Kai’s been recording lately, the band toying with the idea of a late fall album, the promise of a tour next year already in the preliminary planning stages– but the past months have shown Taehyun that things don’t have to be easy to be good.

After all, Taehyun thinks as Kai hands him the rest of the red bean pastry, he’s never been afraid of hard work.

As they drive through Seoul, the city a blur of lights on the way back to Taehyun’s apartment, Taehyun halfheartedly wonders what his next dream will be. But even as he thinks that, Taehyun is content for now. There’s all the time in the world for wishes and for enjoying the dreams he’s finally reached after so long.

With Kai at his side, Taehyun knows, the future is bright.

There’s no limit to what they can do.

Notes:

catch me on twitter @sugassi_hobi or tumblr @carmenlire!