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Wet blurry eyes greet their surroundings. His bedroom seems so flat, dull, in comparison to the emotions rushing through him. The beige walls and brown accents are not stormy enough, the sun shining through the window to welcome him to a new day isn't sad enough.
The Captain is also aware he has things to do, a morning jog and the morning briefing followed by a whole day of serving king and country. All of his responsibilities are drowned out by the aching scream his heart provides him. There is a falter in his ecosystem, a pain that haunts every fibre of his being. He wishes to seek shelter, every instinct suggests he curl up into a ball and hope he can ride the emotional waves to safer waters.
He is alone here.
Despite the noise of other people starting the day, Private's laughing and jibin one another in the corridors, James is wrecked in a in a somewhat grief-like state because there is one particular beautiful voice he is unlikely to hear again. Even if they both make it through, he cannot think of a reason why the Lieutenant would want to see his former CO. No, he would never see Anthony again...
Try as he might to keep a stiff upper lip about himself, the dampness of his pillow is evidence to suggest he is not quite so successful in that endeavour.
His chest shakes, his ribs almost rattling with how empty he feels; his organs having sunk and been drained to make room for the monopoly of sadness that seems to have reserved every part of him.
As he stands, he catches himself in the mirror. The reflection is someone he can barely recognise, it's everything about himself he works hard to conceal and he knows today is going to be particularly hard on that front.
Warm calloused hands run over his face, as though to wipe every trace of his feelings away. For a moment he finds himself imagining if he had a man who should like to do that for him, he can imagine Havers wiping his tears and trying to sooth him. The Captain holds his hand to his cheek for an extra moment, the delicacy of ones own fingertips are nowhere near as satisfying but they'll do. He knows that it's all he can ever have, it's all he can be. A recipient of gentle caresses from an imaginary Anthony. It is a curse to have memories. With Anthony's beautiful brown eyes on him he could pretend even for the smallest of moments that he was special. At the sound of the taller man's laugh James has caught a glimpse of utopia, for nothing could be more delightful and pure than the happiness of such an incredible man. Yet, all the Captain has now is memories. No such promise had been made and yet how the Earth shatters around him suggests they have broken the most important promise of all.
Later, after the longest short time of his life, he finds he has been able to get dressed and leave his room. Crossing the small landing full dressed in his dark green uniform, (already having lost the time for his jog and daily jerks) he heads to the briefing room.
He has to focus on duty, shut it all out. Work for king and country... like Anthony.