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Toya groaned at the blinding light. His eyes opened, squinting at the unfamiliar surroundings. The luscious grasslands, the deep-blue skies, and the cotton candy clouds. Everything seemed perfect. The wind swaying the leaves on the tree and the buzzing of the bees, pollinating the flowers. The field was littered with sunflowers. He smiled at the quiet scenery, the large tree above him casting a rather large shadow over the spot he lay in, providing a chillier atmosphere but it was something didn’t mind. He laid back down resting his eyes allowing himself to listen to the water in the stream not too far from him, splash against the rocks. The sound of laughter caught his attention and he raised his head ever so slightly to see the sudden commotion disrupting the serene scenery.
“Toya! You’re finally awake, come join us!” A cheerful voice shouted. His eyes adjusting to the light, his vision was fixed onto two small figures soaked in the water even though it was only up to their shins. He rose from his relaxed position, sluggishly moving towards them. He greeted the two by the water and looked around, searching the area for something, or specifically someone.
“I assume Akito is still inside the house?” he questioned, bending down to slip off his clean shoes.
“Akito? Who’s that, Toya?” Toya froze, his eyebrows furrowing, confused at the question. What do you mean who’s that? The fourth member of our group? My partner? The one I’m so attached to? That’s weird. “Akito? He has orange hair with a streak of yellow?” The taller of the two girls stood in front of him crossed her arms looking up into the clouds.
“Hm.. Oh! Are you talking about Tsukasa? … Although he has blonde hair with red tips, no?”
“Oh yeah I must’ve been mistaken…”
Of course, I’m not mistaken. He’s just not here then.
Toya’s eyes dropped to the shimmering rocks in the water as he waded into the water. He watched them slosh against each other as he took another step. In the distance there was a familiar melody that was carried by the breeze. Toya placed his arm just above his eyebrows blocking the sunlight, squinting in order to try to find the source of the melody. He spotted a boy not too far away, whistling with his eyes closed. His orange hair tousled from the wind as he took an afternoon walk. Toya’s eyes widened, and he whispered under his breath, “Akito ..?” He quickly called out to the girls next to him. “Hey, what's that boy’s name?” He glanced over at the two, anticipating their response.
“ Hmm..? I’m not sure this is my first time seeing him take this path.” The black haired with blue tips responded.
“A-ah! I think I’ve seen him walk around in the marketplace a couple of times when I’m shopping for fresh produce!” A light voice spoke out from beside the girl with the stars decorated in her hair. The orange-haired boy spotted the group glancing over in his direction, waved, and continued on his way, not giving any more thought to it.
Toya’s lips raised upwards into a slight smile, waving the thought away. “Not yet then.” He turned his attention back to the girls drenched in water. He smiled at them, moving closer to join them. An looked at him, grinning ear to ear bringing her hands down to the water to splash him. He moved quickly to stop her arms.
“Hey, watch it. Not cool” She laughed, trying to escape from his grasp. They pushed against each other's hands, trying to make the other fall off their balance; he felt a pair of hands sneak up behind him, giving him a push from behind. His foot slipped forwards, digging into the sand, causing him to fall towards the water. He grabbed An’s arm, pulling her along with him. She let out a shriek followed by a string of curses as she wiped the water from dripping down her face, spitting out the water from her mouth.
“Toya! That was totally not fair at all!!!!”
“Hey! Blame Kohane for pushing me!” He looked over at the blonde girl, holding her stomach as she laughed uncontrollably. She hadn’t noticed the look Toya and An exchanged before they slowly crept towards her. She slowly calmed down from her laughing fit, opening her eyes she spotted two of them grab each of her arms dragging her towards the water as well. She cried as she sank underneath the water, clambering in the air, in an attempt to pull herself up. Once she resurfaced, she sputtered a string of gibberish.
“Y-you guys! Now that was unfair! Two against one?!” Her cheeks were flushed, she groaned before pouting at them. An let out a laugh before making her way to throw her arms around Kohane.
“Kohaneeee!!!! You’re just soooo cute!!! But I could not let that betrayal go!” She rubbed her cheek against Kohane’s. Toya smiled at the sight of the two. It warmed his heart and made him crave for that feeling too. He could only hope to experience that one day as well.
–
“I don’t think we should continue this partner thing anymore.” Toya spoke with a calm but disinterested tone. He didn’t even bother to look Akito in the eyes.
“What the hell are you talking about Toya?” He spoke quickly, staring at Toya as if he’d grown three heads.
“Seriously? I said, ‘I don’t think we should continue this partner thing anymore.’”
“Yeah, okay. I fucking heard you the first time, but I meant what the hell are you talking about?! Where the fuck did this absurd idea come from?”
“Do I need to give you an explanation? I’ve already given you it straight. I don’t want to continue being partners.”
“Yes, and I want a fucking explanation?! These past few months Toya, I feel like it’s just me doing the work here! I’ve tried everything I could to try and get something out of you Toya.” Akito shifted his eyes to the floor, he knew it wasn’t worth fighting anymore but he refused to let this go. Continuing to stare at the ground, he didn’t want to show Toya the tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. He held his breath, squeezing his fists and chest as he forced himself to speak. “I’m trying really hard to have patience for you and I don’t know if I can hold on any longer.”
“Let go then.”
“What?”
“I’m doing a favor for you then aren't I? Letting you go. Giving you back your patience, and happiness.” Toya didn’t bother lingering a moment longer. He had walked away like he just wiped his bloodied hands clean, from ripping Akito’s heart out of his chest. Toya left Akito alone to fend for himself, alone like always.
The fuck are you talking about? Sure, maybe I’ll regain my patience and happiness once I let go of this stupid situation you roped me into, but what about time? The time I spent crying over you? The times I desperately wanted to grasp onto your touch, your words. The words you reserved specific dates to give them to me? The times I had to convince myself that you loved me? It gave me happiness knowing, no– more like feeling like I could have someone I could rely on. So why couldn’t I be that for you? I was pathetic enough to think we were gonna be together forever.
Why couldn’t you tell me what you felt?
I craved so desperately to give and receive love, but I’m not so convinced I can lift myself up again to face myself— you, or anyone at this point.
I think I’ve lost hope that I’ll ever find love. A sense of belonging. A purpose to keep living in this fucked up world because of your false words made me believe once that was a reason.
Perhaps I’m just being dramatic and I’m recovering from a recently shattered heart. My heart had been chipping away these past few months, now the final piece had fallen to the ground. Can you believe it? I never realized. Even so, an explanation was all I wanted from you, and I let you walk away and I failed to get my answers once again.
—
“Oh fuck, oh god.” Toya’s blade clattered against the floor, his ears pounding as he ran over the slumped body. His legs were like lead, stiff and slowed him down as he ran. He practically collapsed over the bloodied body and he could feel his tears rushing to his eyes. “No, no, no! Akito please. PLEASE. Stay with me!” He gave a gentle shake, whilst applying pressure with his hand over the life-sucking wound. “Akito, please. You have to stay with me!”
“Toya… I’m sorry.”
“What the hell are you sorry for?” Toya shouted at Akito, he watched eyes flutter shut. “Stop it, wake up!” Toya slapped Akito’s cheek, forcing his eyes to open again. His tears dripped onto Akito’s dirt stained cheeks.
“I’m sorry…” Toya’s head hung over Akito’s body, letting a wretched sob escape his lips. “What are you sorry for, goddamn it! You’ve got nothing to be sorry for!” He forced himself to look at Akito once again. Akito just smiled at him, working up the strength to pull Toya down for a kiss. He whispered an apology in Toya’s ear, before Toya felt something sharp slide into him quickly and out. His eyes widened at the abnormal and sudden pain engulfing him. He slowly looked down towards his abdomen. It hurt. It burned— It poured out of him, spilling onto Akito’s blood-stained uniform.
“Akito..?” Toya whispered in complete shock, he moved his hand to the fresh wound. Pulling his hand back up, it had been stained with a new color, crimson red.
Akito smiled at him, letting the knife dyed with red slip out of his hands, pulling Toya into his embrace.
“So that we can be together forever Toya…”
Toya let his body collapse on top of Akito’s. He tried to steady his breath but his body shook uncontrollably. It hurt so much. Toya felt Akito’s body stiffen underneath him, no longer feeling his chest rise. He let the last of his tears fall before he followed Akito into the darkness.
—
The overhead lights soaked their faces with warmth and sweat. The four of them stood on stage, breathing heavily with their eyes twinkling. They could hear the roar of the crowd, cheering along with their racing heartbeats. Finishing up their encore, the four of them shouted their farewells, thanking the audience for supporting them. They turned to exit the stage, and one by one they pulled each other in for a hug.
“You guys! Great job!” An shouted, barely being heard over the crowd who was still cheering.
The three of them agreed, still trying to catch their breaths. Everything felt overwhelming for Akito, the voices ringing, the cheers and congratulations from the crew backstage. He was stripped from any emotion but the addiction to the thrilling evening; he wanted to keep going, wanting to push himself to perform another song. Akito shook his head, ignoring those thoughts. He knew pushing himself would only get him injured, the world had already begun to spin for him. The other members were still chatting as he recollected his thoughts, trying to calm himself down and force some words of encouragement to push forward, but he couldn’t. He was numb, he opened his mouth to speak but his mouth was sewn shut. His hands were shaking, was it because he was calming down from the excited roars of the crowds, or was it his thoughts beginning to beat him down with doubt?
Why? Why am I shaking?
Akito felt a hand on his arm. He let his eyes meet theirs and they smiled at him. His ears blocked out the livehouse cheers as he tried to focus on them. All he could hear was his heart pounding in his ears. His legs wouldn't move in the same rhythm with the person dragging him along. Akito let himself stagger, with his careless walk he had almost collided with a worker but he let out a small apologetic smile, before following the person once again. Akito didn’t realize it was Toya who had dragged him along, until the back entry door was pushed open, the moonlight revealing the colors of the streets. The breeze whisked against his face and he let the door click shut behind them. Akito practically collapsed against the pavement, Toya following along with him.
“You okay Akito?”
Akito let his heart mellow out for a few moments before nodding. The two of them sat in silence, listening to the distant sirens and whispers of passersby.
Toya leaned over to rest his head on Akito’s shoulder. He felt himself shift closer to Toya, enjoying the Toya’s touch. “You know, Akito, recently I’ve been thinking about this wonderful experience of being on stage with you guys, more importantly you though, if I’m being completely honest.” Akito watched Toya let out a sigh and let his eyes meet Akito’s. “There’s something about you that made me realize I wouldn’t want to be on that stage with anyone else but you. I think it’s just how caring, supportive, and admiring you are. I appreciate you, dearly I don’t want to ever let go.”
Akito didn’t say anything, but he hugged Toya’s arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. He still wasn’t used to the praise, and he probably won’t ever get used to it. Akito closed his eyes, focusing on keeping his breathing steady, wanting this moment to last forever. Those words were something he’d never expected to hear. They were plain, simple and maybe cheesy but maybe that was what he was searching for this entire time.