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Ever since me and my brother got away from the orphanage and accepted into the agency things have been going pretty well. Back at the orphanage we had it bad there. The torturing all day, barely eating, hurting ourselves to feel better. We got out though. But for some reason I never stopped hurting myself. Atsushi thinks I stopped. I know that he has (since his clothes get singed whenever he gets in a fight). No one at the agency knows about my little self harming habits. Well, except Ranpo, I can't hide shit from him. And the only other person who knows, Osamu Dazai.
I always want to cut at work. Today especially. I messed up reports and Kunikida got pissed at me, and me and Atsushi had to redo them. Atsushi didn’t have to but he didn’t want me to stress out more than I already was. I hate disappointing people. It’s lunch break now and I need to cut now or I’m going to have a meltdown. I can just hide in the cafe bathroom and do a few cuts to calm down. I can just focus on the pain and forget everything around me. It’ll be fine.
I went down to the cafe with Atsushi and Dazai. I don’t think either of them will notice if I slip away for a few minutes. Atsushi is eating and texting someone and Dazai is failing at trying to woo the waitress…. again. Luckily I’m at the end of the booth so I don’t have to ask either of them to move. “I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll be back in a minute.” I try to say in a totally not suspicious way. Atsushi nods without looking up and Dazai doesn’t even acknowledge me.
He tends not to anyway. He’ll chat with Atsushi, or annoy Kunikida all day, or talk with Ranpo about cases. He’s friendly with everyone in the agency. But he never talks to me more than he has to. He likes Atsushi and praises him so much, calling him his new apprentice since he found us. But not me. I don’t know what I did but it’s fine. I try to do just the same as Atsushi. I want everyone in the agency to actually need me there. I think everyone else likes me? Probably? I don’t even know anymore. At least I’ve got Atsushi, and now Kyoka who is basically our little sister since living with us. Dazai can go away for all I care.
Back to what I was doing, I walked to the bathroom quickly. I need this. And depending how deep I go, cleaning up will take awhile. I don’t do aftercare anymore. I don’t feel like I deserve it or that my cuts are bad enough to need it. I’ll be fine. A little infection won’t kill me. Probably. I have my razor blade hidden in my pocket just waiting to be used. I make it to the bathroom and quickly close the door behind me. It’s a one person bathroom thankfully. I got to the counter with the sink and hopped up. I can’t cut on my arms right now unfortunately so I’ll just have to deal with some thigh cuts. I wiggle my pants down a tiny bit so they reach past my mid-thigh. This will just have to do for now.
I get out my blade and look at it for a few moments. It’s a new one so hopefully it will be really sharp. Deep cuts would really make me feel better right now. I use two fingers to stretch the skin on my thigh before grabbing the blade and doing a quick slit across. The skin tears and the cut is white in the middle. Not too bad. It begins to fill with blood quickly and drips down my thigh. Shit! I grab some paper towels and put it over the cut. Trying to get the cut to stop dripping so much. I don’t want to get blood on the counters. That would be very inconvenient.
I’m unsure how much time has passed but I do a few more cuts. Some light and some deeper. I like the one I just did a lot. Reaching just above the fat layer. I guess I was too focused on my blood to notice that not only was the door unlocked, but someone had come in and stood silently just watching. The blood was filling quickly and the sting from the blade felt so nice. I was calming down. Well until he spoke… “Whatcha doin there hm?” in his little teasing but curious voice. Oh fuck no.
I look up immediately. The shock on my face must’ve been funny to Dazai seeing as he’s lightly chuckling. This dickhead. What do I even do in this situation? “Please don’t tell anyone. Especially Atsushi.” I spoke quietly. Tears slowly slipped down my cheeks. God if Atsushi found out he’d be so upset. He’d only blame himself. I can’t do that to him.
The bastard across the bathroom locks the door, like I should’ve done, and approaches me. “Oh my dear, I won’t say a word to anyone… if you let me give you a few cuts.” Dazai whispered while taking off just his trench coat. His soft hands grab my hand holding the razor blade. What the fuck did he just say to me. “Excuse me?” I whisper in complete shock. He shakes his head lightly at me. “I want to cut you. I want to use this little blade,” he plays with the blade in his fingers, “and cut your thighs. You know that I could cut you much better than this.” But did I want better cuts than I’ve already done? Being cut by the man who doesn’t pay a thought towards me?
“Why? This some weird kink of yours? Taking advantage of a terrible situation?” I glare at his hands holding MY blade from where my head is hanging down. He chuckles at me. Like this is all just a fucking joke to him. He raises the hand without the blade to wipe the tears from my cheeks. “Of course not. What would ever make you think that hm? I’m just lending a hand to someone with a similar hobby.” Dazai softly smiles at me. I slowly lift my head to look at him. He grabs a part of my thigh and slowly runs the blade deeply across it. More tears fall from my eyes. “Why would you do it slowly you asshole?” I hissed at him. This time it hits the layer of fat in my thighs. He grabs the paper towels to the side of me and applies pressure to the cuts once the blood starts flowing over.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand him. After literally never having a normal conversation with me, he now wants to cut me open? “You never answered me. Why? We’ve never even had a simple conversation, Dazai. You cutting me open because you hate me?” I ask and wince when he does another cut. Why am I letting him do this? Maybe I just want someone to care? He shakes his head again while he slices up my other thigh too. “Well two reasons really. One, everywhere I cut is healing right now so I have to take a break and this is helping the urges. And two, well I like seeing you vulnerable like this. Wouldn’t say it’s a kink but I want to take care of you.” he says as he literally slashes open my thighs. “Fuck! Relax with the cuts will you? I still have to work after this.” I hissed at him. The cut Dazai just did was deep. Deeper than I’ve done on my own. It’s not an artery or a vein but it’s bleeding a lot. I’m so damn light-headed. “You look pretty like this. And I’m not cutting you because I hate you. Not even close. And I don’t talk to you simply because both of us are so closed off are we not? Either of us starting a meaningful conversation randomly would lead nowhere. But now we see just how similar we are.” Dazai whispers as he lays his hand over one of the bleeding cuts.
He brings his blood covered hand up to my face to cup my cheek, smearing the blood on my skin. Oh he’s going to kiss me, isn't he? He leans down and brings our lips together. His lips are a little chapped but it’s nice. It’s really nice to kiss Dazai. He holds my face like he’s going to break me even though he’s been cutting me for the past ten minutes. He’s warm. I grab onto the edge of the counter to try to ground myself. As we separate, he continues to hold my face softly and looks at the blood on the cheek.
“Next time you can cut me!” He smiles wide at me. Doing one final slash on my thigh before he kisses me again.