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A low rumble in the distance rouses Cade from his sleep. He's so comfortable that he doesn't open his eyes at first, instead nestling closer to his partner, planting a kiss to the cool, soft skin at the back of his neck. It feels like he's been holding onto Dante forever, but he doesn't mind, not one bit, he'd always cherish the closeness. The rain beats hard against the windows in a reassuring, rhythmic pattern. Cade has always loved thunderstorms. He's surprised this one is still going though. It had seemed to be subsiding before they fell asleep. Maybe it's still in the process of leaving. After all, this feels so beautifully serene.
Eventually, the daylight encroaches enough that he feels he has no choice but to open his eyes. The sky is a dark, dappled grey oddly reminiscent to Cade of being back in London, but it's certainly daytime. He's... not sure why he expected it not to be, really. His arm reaches over so he can interlink his fingers with the other man's while the hand on his more awkwardly positioned arm strokes his bare back. Dante stirs slightly in his arms, but it only inspires Cade to hold him tighter, squeezing him slightly. All his. "Morning, love." he greets happily against the other's shoulder.
Dante lets out a soft yawn, holding their clasped hands to his chest as if he's clutching Cade to his heart. "Buongiorno, amore." he replies, shifting their arms again to graze his lips against the back of the other's hand gently. "How did you sleep?"
"Same as I always do with you, love." he points out. "Wonderfully." He can feel his lover's lips move against his knuckles as he breaks into a genuine smile at that. He's so cute. Cade kisses enthusiastically at his neck and shoulder again, feeling like he could eat him all up. "You?"
"Quite the same." Dante replies. He shifts, turning to face Cade, his hair sitting haphazardly across his face, which the other moves out of the way almost immediately. His grey-green eyes are clear, bright, unusually well-rested as if to prove his point. Cade takes great joy in how much better they both seem to sleep when they're together. "I missed seeing your beautiful face, though."
"Oh, stop it you." Cade replies, smirking at the flattery, still running his fingers through Dante's hair.
"What?" the other asks, feigning offence as he comes closer, touching their foreheads together as he puts an arm around the younger man and his other hand to his face. He'd been holding him for so long that honestly he missed what it was like just to feel held so much, melting into the touch. "Don't you miss me when you're asleep?"
"I don't have to." Cade reminds him somewhat cryptically, but really nothing's truly cryptic with the two of them anymore; he knows Dante will get exactly what he means.
"Oh." his beloved Bishop says with a chuckle. "Of course." He brushes a few strands of hair off of Cade's forehead as if to take in his face. "Do you still dream about me a lot?" he asks with a small smile.
"Yeah." Cade admits, shrugging, surprised he would even ask. It's not even an attempt at a compliment for him, it's just the honest truth. "Constantly."
Dante's smile widens. "Good." he replies a little posessively. The rain smacks harder against the window panes between his words. "As you should."
Cade's eyes light up even as he chews on his lip. There's something he really enjoys about that. "You wouldn't say that if you had to live it." he insists, nuzzling his nose against his boyfriend's. "It's actually embarrassing being completely fucking obsessed with you, you know that?"
Dante looks pleasantly transfixed with him at that. "No, it's adorable." he insists, sweeping Cade's hair out of the way and tucking it behind his ear before planting a kiss on his cheek. Cade's skin tingles as he nestles into the touch, a gentle blush sweeping over his cheeks at the sweetness of it all. "Ti amo." Dante says softly, his lips brushing the side of his face. It feels so good to hear those words. Almost like it's the first time he's ever heard them. He sighs contendedly, closing his eyes for a moment and only re-opening them when Dante draws back.
"Ti amo anch'io, amorino." he replies lovingly, catching his eyes as they smile at each other. His hand moves to rest upon Dante's waist while the other's brush his back.
"See, there's the passion you once lacked." Dante comments softly, but then his voice breaks back into a teasing tone. "It only took you how many years?"
"Oh, cheers." Cade replies sarcastically, but the grin doesn't remotely fade from his face. It's true, his spoken Italian seems to have improved over the time they've been together. "Is this the thanks I get for being the big spoon?"
"I'm relatively sure you're still the little spoon." Dante teases the shorter man pointedly.
"Oi." he complains, rolling his eyes and looking away, but smirking nonetheless because really, he loves it, and they both know he loves it.
"You know I'm only toying with you, gattino." the other says softly. One hand tilts Cade's chin back to face him while the other runs down his side. "You are..." he coos as his fingertips graze Cadence's hip. "...always fun to play with."
That featherlight touch causes Cade's breath to hitch slightly. All this time and Dante can still drive him crazy with the subtlest of actions and words. He's not ready to surrender to that just yet though. "Do you at least believe me now?" he asks a little mischievously, alluding to the first time he made such a confession.
"I can't believe you still remember that, darling." Dante replies, looking slightly amused and maybe a little embarrassed he'd misinterpreted back then, but getting what he means. "That was such a long time ago."
"Feels like it was just yesterday." Cade comments. It's odd, really. In some ways it feels like they've never been apart, so comfortably accustomed to it as he us now. In another way, the time seems to have flown by. "Before everything went to shit." Before the Papas died, and... well, Satan knows what else.
"It was... certainly difficult." he agrees, a flicker of sadness passing his face as his gaze remains focused on the younger man. "Thank you for always being there for me, though, Cade." he says affectionately. "I know it's taken us a while to get here, but... I never thought I could be this happy again... not since..." He doesn't complete his sentence, but Cade knows it's not out of forgetfulness, but instead of respect to him as his current partner. Much as he does appreciate the thoughtfulness, there's really no need.
"Terzo." Cade finishes for him. "You... can say his name, love." he assures him. "I want you to remember him." He knows from his own experience with loss how important it is to let yourself experience those moments. To take all the care and time needed to process things.
"You are... so sweet." Dante tells him. Cade shakes his head a little incredulously. "You are."
"I'm not sweet." he chuckles, less embarrassed and more genuinely unsure he believes it. "Just a soppy twat who loves you more than words can say." he mumbles.
Dante lets out an affectionate sigh, smiles and pulls Cade to him, hands tangling in his long hair as he holds him close. "I wish you could see what I see in you, il mio tesorino." he says softly. "You have a wonderful heart."
"Dante..." he replies, his blush deepening severely as he once again relishes the feeling of being held. He wants the kind words from his beloved and yet he doesn't feel like he deserves it. "Truth is, I..." he begins. He wants to be honest though. There's nothing he can't tell Dante anymore. "I was actually really jealous when he was alive, and even now..." He doesn't want to say it. It makes him feel like such a horrible person. "I... sometimes feel like... like I'm living in his shadow a bit. It's like I... know I can never live up to him..." Cade mumbles. How could he ever live up to the image of the dead Papa that must exist in Dante's mind, in his heart?
It seems like Dante reads what he's thinking somewhat at that moment. "I understand." he responds softly, caressing his cheek and making him tingle softly all over. "But you're not wrong for feeling that way, my love." he assures, somewhat surprisingly. He doesn't know why he should be surprised though. His boy is always so kind to him. There's a pause. "Actually... I feel the same way when you talk about Isabelle sometimes."
Cade frowns, hesitates too, drawing back out of the cuddle a little to look at Dante. "That's... completely different." he replies. He doesn't see how platonic and romantic love can be equated in the same way two romantic loves can be. "She was my twin, she was... it was like losing half my fucking soul." he says, then goes back over the phrasing of that. "Oh."
Dante allows him to process for a moment before he speaks. "Different, yes." he agrees, eyes looking over him as his arms continue to hold him close. "But someone I can never replace for you, no matter how much I wish I could."
Cade nods. "OK... I get what you mean." he says. The relationships may have been of different natures, but they're both gone forever. And yet they're both here, shadows hanging over the two men, no matter how strong their love each other is. But it is strong, and the ghosts that haunt them aren't reason to push each other apart, but to keep the other close. Cade nestles back into Dante's collarbone, smelling his soft, floral scent. "What... do we have to do today?" he asks. There's always something. Dante is the Bishop, and Cade... well in the moment he forgets exactly what he does around here other than cuddle up with said Bishop, but he knows it's important because he wouldn't have stood for still being a mere clergy member all these years after joining.
"Nothing." Dante tells him, and those words flood him with calm, because someone as commited to their work as Dante wouldn't lie about something like that. "Absolutely nothing, Cadence." he assures. Cade wraps his arms around the other's neck, clinging to him tightly as his heart swells for his undying love for this man. But it seems even with time to relax there's no true calm. The storm outside whistles loudly through the ajar window, the thunder rumbles louder. It suddenly seems so dark for the middle of the day.
"I thought the thunderstorm was over already." he grumbles against Dante's neck. Suddenly his favourite weather seems unnecessary, invasive, rude even.
"I'm afraid not, amore." Dante says sadly into his hair. "We've passed the eye of the storm, but it's yet to finish raging yet." There's a detached, poetic tone to his words. Cade thinks he knows why. He doesn't want to know. But he does.
"...How do you know that?" he asks tentatively. He didn't choose to ask that, though, he doesn't think he would have. It just came out. Because none of these words are in his conscious control.
"Cade, my darling..." Dante murmurs softly into his ear. "I think you know why."
Cade swallows. "Yeah." he replies in a slightly melancholy tone. "Yeah I... think I do." The wind suddenly blows the window open, scattering a spray of rain against the floor. The breeze blows in and runs across their bare shoulders harshly, the storm beginning to encroach upon their perfect, private universe. Dante doesn't even react to it. Cade isn't alarmed, but he is upset, drawing back to place a hand on Dante's face sadly. "Can I at least... kiss you this time?" he asks a little desperately.
"You've kissed me before, you know what it feels like." Dante reminds him, his hand brushing the back of Cade's neck.
He nods. "I know, but I... I want to feel it again, Dante, I want... I know it's..." he trails off, his sentences scattered fragments now like the rain, and glances around at the window; bigger, wider now, seeming to take up the entire wall, a gaping maw on the verge of consuming them. "I don't want to forget it, because I know that with everything that's going on right now we can't-"
"Shhhh." Dante puts a finger to his lips, calming Cade's flustered mind with his slow, soft demeanour. "Take your time." he says lovingly. "But please kiss me. I need you, Cadence."
There are some things he can't resist, no matter the consequences. He's completely under the spell of those words, he always would be. Cade takes a few slow breaths, looking Dante straight in the eyes. It's an underrated pursuit, just being able to gaze into someones eyes. You can't get away with just staring at someone like that when you're only friends. Silently looking into their eyes, seeing the future in them, just letting the minutes tick by because you can. He looks almost too perfect. Untouched by time, by emotion, by life. Cade knows no matter what, this is coming to an end, so he might as well feel every second of it. He closes his eyes, a hand sliding up to take Dante's chin as he draws in to kiss him. At least he makes it to a soft brush of lips this time, gentle pressure that Dante only gets a chance to half-return before Cade feels his eyes unable to stay closed.
No.
He tries to resist but he's not in control. He hasn't been this whole time, really, even if it's felt like it.
Cade isn't a lucid dreamer, after all.
No.
He knows how these things work. He knows it probably happened hours ago, and his subconscious is probably just recalling it as he wakes naturally. It was always going to end like that.
NO.
His eyes blink open in the dim light. It's interesting, really. Because some things actually are much the same as the dream. He is in Dante's bed, but he's sitting bolt upright, his neck sore where he laid his head back against the wall when he fell asleep in that position. He is holding him, he has been for an awfully long time, but he's cradled in his arms, in his lap, both of them fully dressed. Taking care of him as he mourns Terzo's painfully recent death. Being a friend as he should.
A friend and nothing more.
It had been early evening when they'd first sat down here while talking together. Understandably there hadn't been much actual talking on Dante's part, but he seemed a little comforted by Cade holding him in his arms and offering soft utterances of reassurance until, apparently, they had both dozed off. It appears to be nighttime now, with only the scattered light from stars outside and the dim glow of one of Dante's lamps illuminating the room. Clear skies, unlike the stormy ones of his dreams. He studies the other's face. No makeup, his hair unkempt, his expression still somehow fretful even as he sleeps. Beautiful as always, though.
Cade's pretty sure the crumpled sheets beneath them haven't been changed since their night of passion less than 48 hours ago. Because that night lead into that day, the day when the Papas were executed, the day when everything changed. Those sheets should bring fond memories of that fleeting time, but instead the guilt twisting his stomach makes him want to grab them and burn them all.
There wasn't supposed to have been any guilt. There was no official relationship to come between, besides, Terzo had known. He'd permitted, maybe even encouraged it. Cade hadn't wasted any of that precious time delving into the details, he'd just given into temptation, given into a night of Dante being his because he knew it was better than flirting and longing and loving from a distance. But he would take that light, innocent, "crushing" feeling a million times now over this genuinely crushing one, the two of them trapped together in the gloom that had overtaken them both since they found out. When he thought Dante could never be his, he would have longed for all this time alone with him, but now he had it under such dire circumstances, it was like he didn't know where to turn; he was confused, he was peturbed, he was...
Can't you see that you're lost?
It's an aural memory running through his brain, nothing more. Still, his breath catches in his throat and a horribly cold chill runs up his spine, making all the hairs stand up on the back of his neck, as the tiny fragment of a psalm echoes in his mind in this half-awake state. The voice of his other close friend, a beautiful voice, now gone forever. Stripped bare of any instrumentals, the way he'd heard it in a warm-up before the very first Ritual he'd partaken in, months ago now. He still remembers how the then-Papa looked, his hair perfectly slicked back, his paint freshly applied, smiling over at Cade, the slightly apprehensive newcomer. Very little intent behind it. Not flirting, or taunting, or really intending anything by it. Just giving a soft, reassuring smile as he continued to sing from across the room.
Can't you see that you're lost without me?
Cade's shoulders shift uncomfortably and his eyes tear up, a lump forming in his throat which he swallows back down. He has to be the strong one about this, even though it's complicated for him in all manner of ways. He must have done something right if Dante's asleep, though. His own slumber the previous night had been nightmare-filled, broken, plagued by anxiety attacks that took far too long to calm down. It wouldn't surprise him if the Bishop himself hadn't slept at all.
He decides it's best to let him get whatever rest he can. So he very slowly manouvres himself out from under the taller man, and slides off of the bed. He surveys his clunky kicked-off boots on the floor but decides it makes more sense to just retrieve them in the morning. Instead he tiptoes very carefully to the door and unlocks it, but as he pulls it open, the slightly brighter light of the lamps dotted along the Ministry hallway floods into the room. Hmm. Maybe it's not that late, after all. Still, he slips out as silently as he can, going to close the door behind him.
"Cade...?" Dante mumbles sleepily, turned away from him.
"Oh..." he replies gently. He shifts himself back around the door. "Yeah I was... going to head off now. Thought I'd probably better let you get some sleep." There's a pause, and it's a difficult one for Cade, since he can't see the other man's face.
"Thank you." comes the final reply. It's ambiguous whether he's referring to his friend giving him space, taking care of him, or both.
"Any time, mate." Cade replies affectionately. Given he's woken him anyway, he goes over, closing the curtains to give Dante more privacy and minimise the light. He glances at him only briefly, seeing his eyes are still closed for the moment despite his mumbling. He hopes he'll be ok. "I'll... speak to you in the morning, I s'pose." he says with a little nod, proceeding towards the door again.
"Do you want to stay?" Dante asks, his back still turned. Cade stops in his tracks. He turns back, hesitates. Of course he wants to stay. He doesn't want to leave Dante's side, wants to be there for him. But how much of that is out of friendly concern, and how much of it is out of his own selfish want to stay beside him?
"Do... you want me to stay?" he asks. Dante shifts slightly, then manages to roll over, turning his whole body towards him. The pain is that much easier to read on him with his eyes open than when Cade had surveyed his face minutes earlier. His green eyes look unusually round, wet, sorrowful. The bags under his eyes are more prominent; he could clearly use more sleep, whether he's going to be able to get any or not. It occurs to Cade he might have been right about the previous night; this might have been the first time he'd had any.
"I..." he looks thoughtful for a moment. Like he needs the comfort, and also like he needs to be alone all at once. "I don't know..." he admits, fixing his eyes on Cade's face closely even as his own crumples. "It's... cold without you." he admits in a distant voice. He doesn't seem like he's being evasive, but that he's genuinely unsure what he wants. "It's entirely up to you."
If Dante definitely needed him there, really needed him, Cade would stay by his side all night, all day, as long as he wanted. But this is another of those grey areas that agitate him so much. It's clear that he might want him, want him to keep him warm, and... oh... he might even want him. After all, the memory of their recent encounter is still very fresh, and... that night was intense. Burning desires like that don't just go anywhere, Cade's not sure they ever fully go in fact, but if they do it's certainly not in a matter of days. He knows he has to keep his own dormant, and he will, he can hold himself back just as he has done many times before. But if Dante asked him?
"I need you, Cadence."
There are some things he can't resist, no matter the consequences.
He already knows first-hand what grief can do to a person, the questionable choices one can make, and for a person who's lost, to all intents and purposes, a partner? A person with another they're clearly attracted to in their bed, holding them, comforting them, loving them? Things could escalate so easily, and he wouldn't have the power to hold back once it got to that point. He walks back over, slowly, like there's a slight struggle between him wanting to stay and needing to leave. But he picks up a maroon blanket draped across the end of the bed, and brings it up it over Dante. "Here... maybe this will... be a substitute." he suggests, putting a hand on his shoulder and pausing for quite some time. "I'm always here for you though, alright?" he assures. "Just... any time you need me, any time of the day or night, just... call me, won't you?"
Dante looks up at him. He doesn't seem able to smile, but he nods slowly. "I really appreciate that, Cade." he responds flatly.
Cade offers the slightest smile in return. He doesn't particularly feel like smiling, but it's in his nature to give any little ray of positivity he can. "Any time." he replies. He bends down and presses a kiss to Dante's temple. "Love you." he murmurs softly. Dante doesn't reply to that. Maybe he can't right now. It's OK though. He's said it before. He knows he does love him, maybe not in the amorous, obsessive, downright painful way a dark part of Cade does despite the dire circumstances. But he does love him, and appreciate him, and that means an awful lot. He straightens back up, reaches to turn the lamp off, and takes his boots with him this time for a greater sense of finality, walking back towards the ajar door and pushing it open. He creeps around, peeking in along with a sliver of light from the corridor. "Goodnight, Dante."
"Buona notte, Cadence." Dante replies, his barely visible, mournful face an image that will haunt Cade, even as he closes the door behind him and walks quietly back to his room.
Because while the ghosts of loved ones past hung over them both, Cade lived with an additional ghost hanging over him. The version of Dante that haunted his dreams, that loved him wholely, completely, requitedly. A ghost of the future. Well... not the future. Merely a future. If he was feeling optimistic, he might believe it was a future that could become real one day, with all that care and time to process things that he'd imagined. But the thing is, despite how close he's keeping the other right now, he doubts it, he really doubts it.
Because he can still hear the rumble.