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Tour is still tiring and long, but, for once, for the first time in a long time, it feels worth it. Jimmy doesn’t dread every aspect of it. He gets to go up on stage and perform songs he wrote with his two best friends and people care .
Jimmy had always liked the performing aspect of touring. The singing, the theatricality, putting on a show , he’s always loved that all. It was everything else that had scared the shit out of him. The travel and the mind-numbing consistency of his days, despite being in a new city every night and living a life that most people dreamed about.
This was the first time they got to properly travel, experience the world, enjoy themselves instead of working themselves to death. They had never been able to appreciate the places they played before, outside of the occasional cool venue (and, if he’s being honest, they’re all very similar). Fans still almost always find them when they’re out exploring cities they’ve frequented since 15 and 16 but have never actually seen, but it bothers Jimmy a bit less now. He still wishes he could be outside and be anonymous and a normal person. He thinks he’ll always wish for that a little bit. He still doesn’t understand when fans cry when they see them, or when they profess their love and declare that their life had been changed/saved/bettered by The Ark, but maybe he’s beginning to see the sincerity in it.
He’d had people try and explain it to him, and he understood it, he felt that way about some bands. Factually, there were bands that had kept him alive when he’d been a teenager, but when he thinks about it the other way around he can never get past wondering how he could have such an impact on people he’s never met. It scares the shit out of him. He tries not to think so hard about it anymore. He makes people happy with his music and he doesn’t need to pick it apart any more than that.
When they were younger they used to share hotel rooms. If there was a couch, one of them would sleep on it, or they’d rock-paper-scissors to not share a bed. Now, as adults, they get separate rooms for all intents and purposes. But, without fail, almost every night, Lister ends up in Jimmy’s bed or Jimmy ends up in Lister’s. This wasn’t something they had meant to do. For the first few nights, they both slept in their separate beds, their separate hotel rooms, and neither of them slept. So on their third night of tour, a very tired Jimmy had showed up at Lister’s room, one hand clutching a blanket around his shoulders, the other texting Lister to unlock the door. Both of them were asleep within the hour.
It’s a dangerous game to play, seeing as the entire nature of their arrangement is built around nobody else knowing about it. Still, Jimmy finds it hard to care when it’s nearly 1AM after their second to last show and Lister’s head is on his chest in the dark of the hotel room.
“I miss your bed.” All Jimmy can hear is the traffic below them and Lister’s low, gentle voice and the vibrations echo through Jimmy’s chest in a way that’s strangely calming. “Smells like you. Hotel’s smell too clean to relax.”
“You look pretty relaxed.” Jimmy says, nudging Lister’s leg that rests on top of his. Lister’s mousy brown hair tickling the skin of Jimmy’s chest.
“It’s all a ruse.” Lister turns his cheek to press against Jimmy’s chest as he looks up at him.
Jimmy pushes Lister’s hair off his forehead and scratches his scalp. “Yeah?” Jimmy’s voice is quiet and soft in the not-quite-silence of the hotel room. “We’ll be home Sunday.”
“That’s too long.” Lister bumps his head up against Jimmy’s hand like a cat.
Neither of them speak for a moment and they just look at each other in the darkness.
“I think this is the first tour that felt real to me.” Jimmy says.
“Yeah?” Lister asks.
“They’ve always been exciting and stuff, but we never got to like, enjoy it .”
“I guess I get that, yeah.” Lister says. “We never got to stop and have fun. We were always in a car to somewhere or doing another interview or god knows what.”
Lister doesn’t say anything else and after a few minutes his eyes close and his breathing evens out.
It makes something in Jimmy’s chest ache.
Jimmy had never had a strong grasp on the difference between platonic love and romantic love. He knew, objectively, from how it was portrayed in books and movies and music, that there was some kind of difference, but he’d never been able to wrap his head around it. He’d had crushes, but that was different, that was attraction and butterflies and he never expected anything to come from his crushes. He certainly never acted on them. He never grasped how it was different except for the fact that he didn’t want to kiss his friends.
But Lister is laying on top of Jimmy and Jimmy’s not sure he’s ever seen him more relaxed anywhere else. Lister’s weight on top of him feels safe when it should feel like it’s trapping him.
They had talked about it. They decided they didn’t want an actual relationship. They decided this was enough for them. It was. It is. This was their middle ground, this was their compromise with themselves and the rest of the world. To keep it between them, to keep each other as friends.
Lister doesn’t want people to know either. This isn’t just something Jimmy can go back on, Lister agrees with him.
So why can’t Jimmy stop thinking about it?
Fuck.
It scares him that he can’t stop thinking about it.
Jimmy picks up his phone.
Jimmy: r u awake?
Rowan: Yes?
Jimmy: Lister’s asleep and I’m having a mini crisis about him.
Jimmy: I never understood how romantic feelings weren’t just platonic love + sex but I might get it now
Jimmy: Or maybe I get it less
Jimmy: And I think I fucked up the chance of us having an actual relationship
Rowan: Fuck, we’ll be home soon, talk to him
Jimmy types and retypes several messages before he locks his phone and sets it face down on the bedside table.
He’s not sure how long he stares at the ceiling, listening to the soft, sleepy breaths coming from Lister and trying not to read into how something so small and so stupid can make him feel so content, before he drifts off to sleep.
***
“Tomorrow is the night, is that right? The last show of The Ark’s return to the music scene before you take a month off and then start your first ever American leg.” The interviewer asks the three of them from the opposite side of the table. It’s mid-morning the next day, the three of them are sitting in mismatched armchairs. Jimmy is nursing a cup of coffee. “How’re you boys feeling?”
Interviews had become more enjoyable recently. Something about the hiatus, and the new album, and not being teenagers was making interviewers treat them more seriously than they used to.
“Excited to perform.” Rowan answers, because he always talks the most in interviews. “Excited to be home for a bit, excited to play our American leg and to work on some new music after that.”
“So you’re going straight into writing another album, or will there be a decent break between the end of this tour and the start of writing the next album?”
Rowan adjusts his glasses. “We’ve never really stopped writing music. I’ve been writing before the band and during the hiatus, it’s just kind of my default.” He says. “I think we have a lot more freedom with writing than we used to, so writing an album is less about sitting down to work on an album from this time to this time, though that’s still part of it, and it’s more about writing what we feel like when we feel like it.”
The interviewer nods. “And how has the hiatus and the split from Fort Records affected that process?”
“It’s a lot more freedom yeah, we can do entirely what we want now, it’s just about making it so all three of us are happy about what we’re putting out into the world and what we’ll have to perform again and again at shows. I don’t think I’ve ever not liked writing music but I think we’ve really started writing music because we enjoy it again.” Rowan says.
Jimmy loves listening to Rowan talk in interviews. Rowan’s always been better with words than Jimmy is, he always knows what to say and how to say it. It’s even better to listen to now, when Rowan is actually, genuinely talking about the album and not being pestered with questions about whether he and Jimmy are together or how they feel about their fans.
“How has the past few years impacted the sound of this new album? Because it is very different from your previous albums, it calls on the pop rock of the bands roots, but it also has some electropop notes in it, and what I find most interesting is the seventies and eighties glamrock influence throughout the album. How did you end up with such a culmination of genres, and how did you manage to make it all blend so beautifully together to create a cohesive piece of work?”
“I’ve always been a huge Elton John fan, if there weren’t pictures from it, I wouldn’t believe that I actually met him.” Jimmy snorts. “ Goodbye Yellow Brick Road is one of my favorite albums ever made and I really got to listening to it on a loop around the time we were really honing the sound of this album, which is partially why there’s piano on so many tracks. But if you really want to talk about the seventies glamrock influence you should ask Lister.” Rowan nods to Lister who’s grinning before the interviewer can even switch to him.
“How did glamrock become such an influence in this album Lister? Because it’s not just the sound, it’s the aesthetic, the clothes, the hair, the makeup, it’s everywhere .” The interviewer asks with a smile as Lister takes a deep breath.
“So I was pretty stuck in bed for a few months and I was going a little fucking crazy because of it and a friend of ours had sent me a playlist,” Which was all to say that this was entirely Bliss’s fault, “so I’m lying in bed listening to it, and it’s got a whole bunch of artists and genres on it, but Starman by David Bowie came on, and I’d heard the song before, but in that moment it was like I’d never listened to it before and like it was the best song I’d ever heard, so I go to The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust album and I listen to it five times in a row and then I started working my way through his entire discography and then I ended up on youtube and google, so then when we started talking album vibes and aesthetics I told Jimmy and Rowan that I had to look like David Bowie.”
Jimmy is grinning as Lister holds himself back from spending the entire interview talking about Bowie. “But you’re forgetting when youtube recommended Queen at Live Aid and then you saw a picture of Roger Taylor in the seventies and you got a mullet.” Jimmy teases. He wants to reach over the arm of his chair and mess with Lister’s hair. Instead he puts both hands on the mug in his lap and glances at Rowan who’s trying not to laugh.
“What?” Lister says to Rowan, though he’s still smiling.
“Nothing, I’m just thinking about you’re crush on Freddie Mercury.” Rowan answers.
Lister feigns offence. “Who hasn’t had a crush on Freddie Mercury?” Rowan opens his mouth but Lister cuts him off before he can say anything. “I don’t care that you're straight, that is entirely irrelevant.”
Jimmy breaks and bursts out laughing.
“You’re the one who’s gunning for me to keep the mullet!” Lister says.
“But I never encouraged it before you got it.” Jimmy turns to the interviewer to avoid looking at Lister for a moment. “Look at him, he makes sense with this hair. A classic white boy mullet.”
This makes Rowan laugh again.
The interviewer laughs and is clearly grateful that Jimmy has roped him back into his interview so he can get back on track. “It is very fitting.” He agrees. “You’ve all had some hair changes recently. Jimmy you’ve grown out your hair and Rowan you’ve shaved it.”
One evening Rowan had showed up in Jimmy’s room with no hair. The breakup buzzcut as Lister had coined it.
“I wanted something different.” Rowan says. “So I buzzed it and dyed it pink.”
Rowan and the interviewer look to Jimmy.
“Yeah, I just kind of stopped thinking about my hair for a while and just let it grow out a bit. I stopped straightening it because it’s too much work to just sit in the house and I just never started straightening it again.”
“It’s very fitting for all of you to go into this new album era with new looks.” The interviewer says. “How has the time off affected you, less as artists, but as people?”
“We got a lot of therapy.” Lister says with a small shrug. “Sudden onset of fame in the early teens, you know how it is.”
“I think we had to balance out the years before our break by going hard in the opposite direction.” Jimmy says. “We were very young when all of this started and we didn’t know how to handle like, normal life, let alone all of this, so I think the extreme in both directions really helped me figure out how to find that balance doing this and still seeing my friends and my family and having time to myself.” Jimmy had needed a sense of control in his life is what it really boils down to. He felt trapped before, he had everything he’d ever dreamed of and it couldn’t have been worse. But interviewer’s don’t get to know that much. They get just enough that Jimmy doesn’t regret what he says as soon as he leaves, and just enough that they feel like they’ve really gotten to know him.
“If you don’t mind me getting more personal, do you think The Ark would have taken a break if it had not been for your accident, Lister?”
Lister frowns and he shifts in his seat.
Jimmy interjects before anyone can speak. “Yes. We are and always have been incredibly grateful to do what we do, but it was too much too fast and we all needed the break, regardless.” The interviewer seems hesitant, so Jimmy continues. “I think the hiatus was the best thing that’s happened to this band and I don’t think we’d be where we are now if we’d just pushed through just because it’s what people wanted us to do.”
Lister glances at Jimmy and nods in agreement. “I just have impeccable timing.” Lister says, and only he laughs.
“That’s very true, sometimes pushing through only does more damage.” The interviewer says, seemingly already moving past the blip. “Another change on this album is the lyricism. For the majority of the time The Ark’s been around Rowan has written the bulk of the lyrics.” The interviewer looks to Jimmy. “From what I understand, Jimmy has always been somewhat a part of the lyric writing process, and in previous albums you have several songs you’ve co-written with Rowan, but also that you’ve written independently, but with this album there’s almost equal writing credit from all of you, is that correct?”
Jimmy takes a sip of coffee and clears his throat.“Yeah, the EPs are almost all Rowan. We’ve all always had a say in the lyrics, but Rowan has been our writer since the beginning, and especially back then, I just let him do his thing because he was a thousand times better than I was. I only started taking the idea of writing on my own for The Ark seriously a little before Magic 18 , and then the first song I wrote that got a big response was Joan of Arc . But with this album there aren’t a lot of songs that are just Rowan, or me, or Lister, it was very much a collective effort and I think that shift in the process helped us all grow as writers and also helped make the album feel very cohesive.”
“Lister, as you’ve said yourself, this is the first album that you have writing credit on, what made you want to start writing for the band?”
Lister makes a face that makes Jimmy hold back a laugh. “I never would’ve written a song without Ro or Jim if the circumstances hadn’t been exactly what they were, and I think in a world where we never took a break I never ever would have thought about doing anything beyond drumming.”
“Have you written previously, or was this entirely new to you?”
“I hadn’t written a whole lot before, but all the time in the apartment just led to me writing, in my notes app, in notebooks--it was a diary type thing at first, a journal, whatever you want to call it, my therapist told me to do it and eventually that turned into writing songs and it wasn’t until we started working on this album that I even mentioned it to Ro and Jim and they told me I should put it on the album.” Lister shrugged. “I thought it was shit but I knew Rowan wouldn’t stand for it to be on the album if it was so I just kind of trusted him that it was decent enough, and then we started really writing together more and more and I got very comfortable with it pretty fast. I really enjoyed having more of a hand in, like, the entire album, not just sonically.”
This was a as much as Lister talked about the accident. No one knew the extent of it, how it had actually happened, that Lister had almost died, and Lister wasn’t keen to talk about it so he talked around it. He alluded to the results of it, breaking his leg, being stuck in the apartment, but never any more details than the video posted to The Ark’s youtube channel confirming that Lister was in the hospital, that they were taking a break from the band for a bit, and to please respect their privacy at this time.
“To circle back a little bit, there’s a song that you play guitar for when you perform them, isn’t there?”
“Oh yeah, I’m a huge Harry Styles fan, and I don’t know if you’ve seen him perform his song Boyfriends , but they set up this line of mics and him and his band stand together at the front of the stage and it’s just guitars and these beautiful harmonies and I really wanted to do something like that. It was already possible, because Ro and Jim already knew how to play guitar, but the more I played it, the more I wanted to play on stage, so we really wrote that song for the purpose of performing it like that, right in the middle of the set to be this beautiful calm moment before we leave stage while the interlude plays before the second half of the set.”
Lister doesn’t talk much more for the rest of the interview, letting Rowan and Jimmy answer any question not directed specifically at him.
When the interview wraps up they’re on a plane to the city of their last show. Jimmy is still…cautious, of planes. He knows, realistically, that everything will be fine, but in the back of his mind he’s always aware of all the terrible, gruesome deaths he could have from a malfunction.
Still, he puts his headphones in and hits play on HIT ME HARD AND SOFT by Billie Eilish and tries not to think about the plane that he’s in.
The flight goes fine, it always does and after several loops of HIT ME HARD AND SOFT , it’s evening and they’re back in a nearly identical hotel.
Jimmy’s laying on the bed that feels massive with only him on it, staring at the ceiling, exhaustion clouding his brain, but he can’t sleep.
If he’s being honest, he’s just trying not to think about Lister and failing miserably.
It’s approaching midnight now and Jimmy’s switches on the TV to some cooking show, thinking background noise will lul him to sleep. It doesn’t.
He picks up his phone. Rowan and Lister have got to be asleep by now. He opens the clock app and checks the time in Kent.
His phone rings a few times before Piero answers.
“Jimbob!” He greets cheerily from the other end of the line.
Jimmy relaxes at the sound of his voice. “Hey, Grandad.” He can’t help but smile.
“Isn’t it late where you are?” Piero asks.
“Not much.” Jimmy says. It’s not midnight yet . “How’re you? I’ll be on my way home tomorrow night and I’ll come see you as soon as I can.”
“Can’t wait to have you home. Will Rowan and Lister be coming?” They didn’t always come, but it had become more common for the three of them to visit their hometown together to see their families.
“I’m not sure, I’ll ask them, I know Rowan’s been wanting to see his parents.”
“You remind them they’re always welcome.” Piero says.
“Yeah, they know.” Jimmy is quiet for a moment. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course, boyo.”
“I think…I might have feelings for Lister.” He hesitates. “I don’t know. I never really understood what it would feel like to be” He swallows. “in love. I could never conceptualize it. But I think I get it now.”
“You’re talking like you’ve caught a disease.” Piero chuckles. “It’s not a bad thing, Jim.”
Jimmy smiles again as he tries to think of how to explain it to his grandad. “I know. I’m just worried. I’m worried that because of the band, it’s not realistic, or even possible to be in a relationship with Lister.” Jimmy pauses, the ache in his chest growing larger as he speaks. “But I want it. I really want it.” He realizes exactly how true it is as the words leave his mouth.
“Then maybe it’s worth the risk. I’ve seen your friendship grow from reluctant bandmates to real, true friends that care for each other, and I don’t think any fame, or any relationship can ever change that.” Piero says and he sounds so certain that Jimmy wonders if he’ll ever be able to say something and sound as sure as his grandad.
“What if we break up and that’s it? For our friendship, the band, everything?” Jimmy asks quietly.
“I don’t think a force in the world could mess up what you boys have. If you really care about him, trying won’t hurt a thing.” Jimmy can think of dozens of things it could hurt but he can’t find the words to dispute Piero, so he nods like Piero can see him halfway across the world.
“Okay.” Jimmy finally says.
“I’ll see you soon?” Piero says.
“As soon as I can, I promise.” Jimmy insists.
“Love you, Jimbob.”
“Love you, Grandad.”
***
On the last show, the fans hold up orange cuttout paper angel wings over their phone torches during the acoustic song and somehow it makes the moment feel more special than it already was. It makes Jimmy want to cry. In a good way, for once.
“Thank you.” Jimmy says into his microphone as the song ends and the bright orange angel wings start to disappear into the sea of faces again.
They have the option to stay another night in a hotel and leave for home in the morning, but they are all desperately homesick and catch the first redeye available.
Jimmy sleeps most of the flight, which is somewhat unusual, but he’s not complaining. The taxi ride home from London feels impossibly long, with Lister’s head on his shoulder, and Rowan talking about the show, and the last leg of tour, and seeing his family in a low voice next to Jimmy.
“Grandad said to remind you and Lister that you’re always welcome.”
Rowan smiles. “I’ll have my mum invite him over for dinner while we’re there.”
“He’ll like that.” Jimmy says, resting his head on the back of his seat and staring at the ceiling of the car. “God, I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed.”
“I bet Lister can’t wait to sleep in your bed, too.” Rowan says.
“Fuck off.” Jimmy chuckles. “When’re you gonna see Frances?”
“Right after we get back from Kent. It’s alright she’s staying over for a bit, yeah?” Rowan asks.
Jimmy shrugs with the shoulder Lister’s head isn’t on. “Yeah, it’s Frances.” Which is to say he’s already used to her being around a lot. He really doesn’t mind her, she’s nice to have around. As long as he gets to see Piero and has some time to himself, he’s fine.
Neither of them pretend that Lister is going to sleep in his own room. Jimmy turns the TV on and collapses on his bed, wrapping an arm around Lister as he lays down next to him, half his face buried in a pillow. Jimmy reaches over and brushes his hair out of his face, satisfying the itch that’s been there since the interview. Lister hums when Jimmy’s finger’s brush against his forehead. He opens his eyes, hooded and tired, and smiles at Jimmy, nuzzling against his hand as he moves it to cup Lister’s cheek.
Lister had been right, he was nowhere near this relaxed in a hotel bed as he was in Jimmy’s. Lister brings his hand up to rest on top of Jimmy’s.
Jimmy struggles to convince himself that a relationship would make this different. Would it? He tries not to think about what Piero said. He can’t think about that right now. He’s home. In his room, his bed, with his things, and Lister is next to him and his eyes are shut again.
***
On their second day home Lister (having finally gotten his license) drives the three of them back to Kent and they spend a week there. They spend most of their time at their family’s houses but on the last night they all have dinner at the Omondi’s.
Jimmy clicks the teapot on and sits across the table from Piero. It’s a bit late, but it’s Jimmy’s last night home and Piero insists they have tea before they go to bed.
“Have you talked to Lister?” Piero folds his hands on the table and gives Jimmy the look that’s always made him think he knows something Jimmy doesn’t.
Jimmy runs his fingers along the chain of his necklace. “Not exactly. No.”
Piero doesn’t say anything neither does Jimmy.
“I don’t think it’s what he wants.” Jimmy finally says. “He doesn’t want the fans in his business and it would be very hard to keep it from them.” He looks up at Piero. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be with someone.” It’s not that he doesn’t want to be. But everything seems stacked against it. Maybe it’s better that way.
It wouldn’t be that bad. If he had Lister and Rowan. Even if Lister was strictly his friend. But that’s not what he wants.
“If it’s something you want, it’ll happen.” Piero says. “If not Lister, then someone else. I think the boy cares for you much more than you’re aware of.”
“How are you so confident?” Jimmy asks. “About everything, life?”
Piero chuckles. “There are some benefits to being my age, Jimbob.”
***
After they get back home Jimmy resigns himself to not thinking about it (which has never worked in the past, but he has no better ideas).
It’s 9PM and Lister and Rowan are playing their umpteenth game of Smash Bros this evening. Jimmy joined in for one game, immediately got frustrated, and handed the controller back to Rowan.
“How are you winning ?” Rowan exclaims, to which Lister cackles.
“It’s really a burden to be this good at Smash Bros, you should be grateful, Ro.” Lister (playing as Pikachu) throws Rowan (playing as Young Link) off the map and Rowan’s eyes finally peel away from the TV to look Lister in the eye as he flips him off. This makes Lister laugh more.
Jimmy laughs at the two of them as Rowan dramatically falls back against the couch as Lister wins yet another round and does a victory lap around the living room, stopping in front of the TV to bow.
Rowan cracks a grin. “Piss off.”
“Jelously’s a bad color on you Ro Ro.” Lister hops back on the couch, controller back in hand. “Another?”
“Sorry, I said I’d call Jade tonight.” Rowan says, standing to plug his controller back in.
“Oh, you just saw her.” Lister whines, hanging over the back of the couch as Rowan disappears down the hall, one eyebrow raised, shaking his head with a small smile.
“Sure you’re not up for Smash Bros?” Lister asks Jimmy who shakes his head no immediately. “Can’t take losing to the god of Super Smash Bros?”
“That’s it.” Jimmy says, leaning across the cushion and pressing a kiss to the side of Lister’s head. Lister catches Jimmy’s arm and pulls him into a proper kiss. Jimmy closes the rest of the distance between them, now sitting in Lister’s lap as Lister’s hands bury their way into Jimmy’s unstyled hair. Jimmy’s hands are moving to find the hem of Lister’s shirt when he remembers something very important and he breaks away from the kiss. “Rowan’s home.”
Lister kisses Jimmy’s jaw. “He’s on the phone with Jade, which’ll take hours and then he’ll probably go to bed.”
“Band shit will be more complicated if he moves out cause he caught us on the couch.” Jimmy counters, somewhat teasingly, but Lister knows how serious he actually is.
“My room or yours?”
“Yours.”
***
They spend the rest of their break in some variation of that day. Lots more video games, lots of talking to family, lots of catching up on TV shows, lots of moments in the dark of Lister and Jimmy’s rooms.
Jimmy spends the majority of the flight to New York with headphones in, alternating between music and silence, eyes closed in case his body might want to take this 8 hour flight as an opportunity to get some sleep. He never does fall asleep, but that’s not unexpected.
They have two shows in New York to kick off the North American leg, and Jimmy’s has something up his sleeve, inspired by rewatching videos from the last Fall Out Boy tour. Rowan and Lister are onboard as soon as he tells them about his idea, but they haven’t been able to execute it until this show.
They’re all in classic The Ark all black and tonight Jimmy’s angel wings have lights connected to the rest of the stage lights on them.
They’re 3/4s through their set when Rowan starts the intro.
“We’ve never been shy about being huge Fall Out Boy fans, and since their last tour we’ve been wanting to take some inspiration from them in our setlists.” The crowd grows increasingly louder as Rowan talks. “While the magic 8 ball would be very on brand for us, we thought we’d do something a little different.” Rowan nods to Jimmy.
“I think you’d all agree that we never really get to do covers anymore, and all I’ve done these past few years is hear more and more songs that I want to cover, so , I thought we would start to throw in a cover towards the end of our sets each night in honor of The Ark’s very first American leg.” The crowd cheers and Jimmy takes a drink of water as they die down. “Even if this isn’t really what the songs about, I’ve always heavily related to it as a gay and trans man that grew up in the music scene where everyone’s always dating someone and always feeling like that should be you, or that it’ll never be you.” Jimmy takes a breath. “This is People Watching by Conan Gray .”
Jimmy stops center stage as he starts the bridge, staring off into the crowd as he sings. “ Cut people out like tags on my clothing / I end up all alone, but I still keep hoping / I won’t be scared to let someone know me / life feels so monotone, but I still keep hoping. ” He holds the microphone out to the crowd as the instruments cut and Rowan and Lister’s voices mix with the track of harmonies and they sing “ I feel love, emotion. ” Jimmy pulls the microphone back as the drums come back in and he sings the final chorus.
A week before they left for New York the three of them made a shared note with lists of songs to cover (occasionally with bullet points as to when and why they should cover said song, on the times they had more songs than shows).
After the first show they sit down and decide the approximate order of what songs they're playing at which show. The fans eat it up every night and Jimmy finds himself having more fun at shows than he’s ever had.
Jimmy continues to try not to think about Lister. It still doesn’t work. Several times he catches himself staring at Lister between songs at shows. The fans don’t notice it. They never do. But they could.
The rest of the tour goes smoothly and before they can really get used to being on tour again, they’re back home.
Jimmy is still scared of bringing anything up to Lister Of what he'll think. Jimmy’s acting weird. He has been. He’s just hoping they’ll both ignore it.
It doesn’t last.
“Are you alright?” Lister asks, breaking the silence of Jimmy’s room.
“Hm? Yeah,” Jimmy says, trying to move on.
“You seem off,”
“Thanks,” he comes off meaner than he means to but he doesn’t want to talk about it.
“God, sorry,” Lister says.
“Don’t be like that,” Jimmy says. He’s not sure why he’s getting worked up about this. He’s not even actually mad at Lister.
“Be like what ? Concerned when you’ve been acting strange around me for days ?”
“Don’t make it sound like it’s about you, you’re reading too much into things!” Except he’s not.
“I don’t think I’m reading into anything!” Lister retorts. “I was just asking a question, god.”
“You were not just asking a question!”
“Why the fuck are we fighting about this?” Lister shouts.
“Because you won’t fucking leave me alone!” Jimmy snaps back.
“Fine, I’ll leave!” Lister throws the blanket off him and storms out the door.
“Fine!”
Please, don’t go . Jimmy thinks, but he doesn’t say it. Lister’s already gone and he brought it on himself anyway. Why the fuck can’t he just talk to him? What the hell is wrong with him?
It takes Jimmy forever to fall asleep that night. He feels like an asshole. He was an asshole. This is exactly why they can’t date. He’ll fuck things up.
For the next few days neither of them speak to each other. Rowan shoots Jimmy an odd look when Lister turns around and all but sprints up the stairs when he sees Jimmy in the kitchen, but he doesn’t ask.
He loves Rowan but he really doesn’t want to talk to him about it. He knows what Rowan will say and it won’t help anything. He already knows fighting about nothing didn’t solve anything, but at least he doesn’t have to worry about talking to Lister since he won’t even be in the same room as Jimmy.
Jimmy’s sitting in his room when he opens twitter.
Jimmy Kaga-Ricci: how much would the fans freak out if Lister and I were together
A few minutes pass before she responds.
Angel: So much
Angel: Am I wrong to assume this isn’t a hypothetical?
Jimmy Kaga-Ricci: sort of is sort of isn’t
Angel: Sooo…share with the class?
Jimmy and Angel have talked over Twitter since the incident in Kent. They hardly ever see each other in person but some days he talks to her more than he talks to Rowan or Lister. He keeps meaning to just give her his number but he always forgets.
Jimmy Kaga-Ricci: we’re not dating
Jimmy Kaga-Ricci: more like hooking-up
Jimmy Kaga-Ricci: because we both agreed it’d be too risky to date and we don’t want people to know
Angel: So you don’t want to date him?
Jimmy Kaga-Ricci: idk. I don’t think I understand how any of this is supposed to work
Angel: A relationship?
Jimmy Kaga-Ricc: love, I guess
He doesn’t guess. He knows more than half of his hang up on dating Lister are his feelings. Whatever the fuck they are.
Angel: Do you love him?
Jimmy Kaga-Ricci: I don’t know. I’ve always loved him as a friend but things feel different now I just… don’t really understand in what way
Angel: But you want to be in a relationship with him, yeah?
Jimmy Kaga-Ricci: yeah, but the fans and shit
Angel: Fuck it, then
Angel: You can’t live your life based on how your fans will react to it. And I don’t see how it makes a difference whether you love him or not if you want to date him
Jimmy reads the message a few times.
Maybe she’s onto something.
Jimmy Kaga-Ricci: thx
He locks his phone and mulls over Angel’s words a bit more.
Fuck it, then.
Jimmy walks down the hall to Lister’s room. The door is open and the room is empty.
He glances in the practice room (empty) and Rowan’s room (only Rowan) before he finally finds Lister in the living room. As soon as he sees Jimmy he starts to leave but Jimmy says. “Don’t go.”
Lister stops but doesn’t sit back down.
“You said, before, that you didn’t care what the fans would think about us if they found out we were dating” Jimmy says his words coming out too fast.
“We’re not, though.” Lister folds his arms. “And it’s fine,”
“But do you want that? Actually. Not whatever this is.”
“You don’t.” Lister says his voice veering on mad.
“What if I do?” Jimmy asks. He wants to puke. Lister doesn’t want this. Why would he even ask him?
“I don’t understand.” Lister lets out something between a laugh and a sigh. “You don’t like me, then you do, you sleep with me, then you’re freaked the fuck out about what everyone but you and I could think, so nothing comes of that until you decide you do want to be with me, or just to fuck me or whatever, and then you fucking lose it about nothing and don’t talk to me for days and now you want to be in a relationship? Do I have all that right? Cause it’s fucking confusing and it makes me feel like shit. I love you, and you know that. I’ve spent years trying to get over you and I just can’t. I can’t, I’m sorry. But somehow this is worse.” Lister closes his eyes and takes a breath. “I need you to be so fucking serious about this. I can’t keep up with this. We can date or we can be friends, but I can’t do this anymore.” Lister’s eyes are wet as he holds Jimmy’s gaze. “I’m not gonna put you on the fucking spot but I need an answer. Soon. Please.”
“I want us to be in a relationship.” Jimmy says.
“Please think on it. I need you to be serious.”
“I’m serious.” But Jimmy knows he doesn’t believe him. “I thought I completely fucked up any chance of us dating. I tried to ignore it but that never works. And fuck whatever anyone thinks about it.”
Lister nods and wipes his face with his sleeve. “I’m gonna go for a drive.”
He’s out the door before Jimmy can think of anything to say to make him stay. He’s not entirely sure what just happened.
He feels terrible.
He stands there and stares at the door until Rowan’s voice breaks him from his thoughts.
“I heard arguing and the door.” Rowan says from the bottom of the stairs. “You okay?”
“I fucked everything up.”
He doesn’t notice that Rowan’s moved but then Rowan’s hugging him.
He’s strung Lister along for months. He's a complete dick.
***
It’s evening before Lister is home. Rowan says he was at Bliss’. Jimmy doesn’t see him. If only because he doesn’t leave his room as soon as he hears the front door and Lister doesn’t seek him out.
The next morning Jimmy’s standing at Lister’s door. Lister looks like he just got up. Maybe he did. He has a confused look on his face but he lets Jimmy in and doesn’t say a word.
Jimmy takes a deep breath. “I’m serious. And I’m sorry I’ve been a dick to you for months, so I get if you’ve changed your mind. But I am serious.”
“You’re serious.” Lister says.
The look on his face makes Jimmy think he’s still mad at him, but Jimmy replies, “Yes,”
Jimmy barely has time to register the change in mood before Lister’s lips are on his. It doesn’t take any time at all before their shirts are on the floor and Lister is pulling him backwards until they’re on the bed and shedding the rest of their clothes.
***
Jimmy can’t exactly pinpoint what the two of them dating changes. Things go back to normal, but it’s more comfortable now. Jimmy doesn't feel like he’s hiding a terrible secret for wanting to brush Lister’s hair out of his eyes. He doesn’t feel like he’s towing the line of too far when he kisses Lister’s cheek. Lister’s noticeably more affectionate than before. He kisses the back of Jimmy’s hand and holds it anytime they’re next to each other.
No one knows aside from Rowan, Bliss, and Angel. He needs to tell Piero the next time he sees him. Jimmy’s still scared shitless of what’ll happen when more people find out, but right now he tries not to care, and for once it works.