Chapter Text
"Thank you. Have a nice day..." Remus' voice was laden with exhaustion as he left the examination room at St. Mungos and dragged his battered body out to the foyer.
The moon last night had been a nightmare. The wolf had seemed determined to tear itself apart, gnawing and ripping at its own flesh, slamming its body against the shaking walls of the wooden shack that his dad locked him in every full moon.
In the morning Remus had been so badly scratched up - torn apart, really - that the usual potions and bandage spells just weren't enough.
Begrudgingly he had agreed to go to the hospital. Alone, though. He didn't want his father to see him like this. Remus could see the pain in his eyes, everytime he saw what the beast had done to his son. He couldn't bear it. And Remus couldn't bear to see his father upset. So he had gone alone and, despite the administered healing, regretted it deeply. He could barely keep himself upright and the thought of apparating back home seemed daunting. He decided to sit down on the stairs in front of the hospital for a moment, to gather his strength. Just for a bit.
He didn't notice someone following him through the door.
Only after he had shakily lowered himself onto the hard cold stone, someone squatted down in front of him and looked up with a pair of stunning grey eyes. Eyes that Remus knew well.
"Hi, I don't want to bother you. But can I maybe ask you a question?"
Sirius Black. The rowdy friend of James Potter. The two of them had been a true menace during Remus' prefect years at Hogwarts.
Remus frowned. "Sure. What question?"
"Great!" Sirius smiled brightly and sat down fully now. "Hi, I'm Sirius and I'm..."
"I know," Remus interrupted him. Did he not remember him?
Sirius seemed thrown off. He glanced at Remus face before his eyes widened a touch with recognition.
"Oh, you're...Oh."
"What?" Now, Remus felt a little embarrassed. Sirius was clearly confused. Maybe a little shocked. Did he look so bad? He probably did.
Three years had passed between their last year at Hogwarts and Sirius probably hadn't ever seen Remus in such disarray. He hadn't really bothered to shave or to get dressed properly, before he left the house. And he was likely a little dirty and smelly from last night. Prefect Lupin would not have been seen in such a state. He had taken better care of himself then. When his life still felt like it had any type of purpose...
Sirius on the other hand seemed like he was filled to the brim with purpose. His eyes were twinkling with idealism, his cheeks flushed with a healthy pink, well dressed, smelling clean and wonderful... Just like he'd been at school.
Remus had always had a little - very secret - crush on Sirius Black. As annoying as his and Potters pranks may have been, they had also never failed to somehow amuse him and of course Remus had had sufficient time, to examine Sirius' features during the various detentions he had overseen. Back then, looking at Sirius had been the best part of his prefect duties. Watching him snicker with James or scribbeling down his detention assignments with obvious boredom, seemingly never challenged, no matter the difficulty of the exercises Remus would pick for him. He had loved watching Sirius, without ever being at risk to be seen himself.
But now, Sirius was looking at him. And he didn't seem to like what he saw. Remus wished to be swallowed by the ground.
"We went to school together," he said meekly.
"Yeah... Yeah, I remember. You.. I didn't know you were a werewolf."
The words slammed against Remus ears, ringing in his head. Werewolf. How did he know that? Was it that obvious? Well, he was sitting in front of the hospital, on an early morning after a full moon, arms and hands wrapped in bandages...
Oh God, he knew! What should he do? He should leave!
"I should leave." Remus forced his aching knees into an upright position.
"No, no wait!" Sirius stood up next to him, blocking his way. "Please... I work for AWERE! Ambassadors for Werewolf Empowerment and Resource Establishment. We are a non-profit Pro-Werewolf Association. We can help you! And maybe you can help us too!"
Sirius sounded so genuinely excited and convinced... It made Remus stop and listen to him ramble, eventhough this sounded ridiculous.
"We run a housing program for lycanthropy affected people that have lost their homes and we provide free meals and safe spaces to turn, every moon! We also do political work, talking to Ministry officials to change the outrageous legislation. It is really important that we fix the root issues that cause the rampant homelessness and suicide rates instead of only fighting the symptoms. And this is where you could help!"
Remus frowned. He didn't like where this was going.
"So. Currently the board only consists of unaffected people. Which can be helpful to get a foot in, but I really think we need some proper representation by someone who is affected. And you would be perfect! I mean, you were a prefect! I bet your grades were neat, with the amount of time you spent in the library! You could be the antithesis of the 'bad wolf without a soul' the ministry is painting. You could show everyone that that is bullshit, that there are so many kinds of affected people..."
Remus scoffed.
"It would be great having you on board." Sirius looked at him with an expectant smile. A beautiful smile that probably got him everything he wanted. But not this time.
"No. I don't think I can help you, I'm sorry."
Sirius' smile faltered.
"But you would be great..."
"I don't think I would be half as good at this as you seem to believe. I'm not a people person."
"But people like you. I mean, back at school they sure did."
Remus huffed in disbelief.
"Did they?"
"Well...yes. And the teachers were clearly more fond of you than of me." Sirius smirked. Charming. But Remus had already made up his mind. He wouldn't let Sirius butter him up.
"Listen, I'm glad you found something productive to channel your energy into, but I won't be part of it. I don't need help. I'm fine. And what you are doing is nice, but you won't change anything. People have seen us as monsters for hundreds of years and I've got the strong feeling that sucking up to some ministry officials will do nothing to change that."
"I'm not sucking up to anyone!" Now, Sirius was pissed. Remus flinched a little at his sharp voice. "And we will make a difference! How the fuck do you think change happens? You can't just sit around and wait for it, you have to start somewhere!"
"I'd rather sit, than waste my very limited resources, thank you. They will not just change age old legislation."
Sirius crossed his arms over his chest.
"Not with that attitude!"
Remus sighed.
"Listen, just... Just leave me alone ok? I can't be dealing with social justice issues right now..."
"These social justice issues are affecting you directly. You are aware of that right?"
"Should I be awere of that?" Remus pointed to the badge on Sirius' jacket with mild amusement. Sirius looked down and rolled his eyes at the bad joke.
"This is a serious matter, Lupin!"
"Is it? Is it a serious matter, Sirius?" He couldn't help it. Sirius scowled. He'd always had hated it when people made jokes about his name and Remus had never gotten the chance before.
"Why are you like this? I'm trying to help you."
"I already told you, I don't need your help. I am perfectly fine!"
Sirius looked him up and down, clearly sceptical. Remus akwardly straightened his clothes. He'd only thrown on his pyjamas and a cardigan before leaving. He scolded himself for letting himself go so much. But then again, what was the point?
"I don't need help. But thank you for offering." Remus turned and walked down the steps.
"Fine, whatever! Suit yourself, Lupin!"
"Will do!"
Sirius' exasperated words still rang in Remus' ears as he disapparated with a zap.
**
Drip, drop.
Drip, drop.
Drip, it was going to turn him insane.
Drop, he would freeze out here.
Drip, when would the rain stop?
Drop, his hands were shaking so badly, his mind was so unfocused that the umbrella charm kept flickering away, each time releasing the small puddle of water that had accumulated from the slow, but constant dripping of the bridge he was hiding under, right onto Remus head.
His clothes had been soaked when he got here but he hadn't bothered to dry them. He should have taken some clothes from the house. He should have taken something, anything. But when the aurors had turned up he had just left, with nothing but his wand and the clothes he'd been wearing.
They probably wouldn't have let him take anything anyway. Useless to try. Nothing that was left in his late fathers house belonged to him. Werewolves couldn't inherit.
They would intimidate people into writing them into their will.
They would kill their relatives for their wealth.
Monsters would do that. And monsters is what they are.
Remus rubbed his arms, desperate to return some warmth to his cold skin. The moon had been just a week ago and he was still a bit sore. But this didn't matter.
He was dead. His dad, the only one he had had left, was dead. Whisked away by a sudden illnes like the people in the victorian muggle novels Remus sometimes liked to read. He laughed bitterly. Just when you think, your life can't get any worse, the universe empties a bucket of shit over your head.
Remus wanted to cry. Wanted to break down, fall asleep, never wake up again, to just give up. He could have done it. But a little, adamant voice, was yelling in his head that his life wasn't over. That he had so much to live for. He knew that voice. Hope. A fitting name for his mother, because that's what she was for him. What she always would be. He would have to make it through the night somehow. For her.
Steps tapped on the wet pavement, echoing under the bridge. Someone was coming. Fuck. Remus tried to make himself as small as possible, tried to vanish into the shadow, to not bother anyone.
Just when the steps had passed by him and begun to fade off into the distance, his body decided that this was a great moment to hiccup.
The akward noise squeaked through the eerie stillness. The passerby stopped and turned, the light of his Lumos searching in the dark for whatever had made this sound. Inevitably the ray reached Remus, who had to lift his arm to shade his eyes from the sudden brightness.
"Remus?!"
Remus froze in shock. Not him. Not now. Not here. Please.
Sirius approached him and when he bent over Remus' curled up form there was no doubt that it was him.
A good year had passed since he had last seen Sirius on the steps of St. Mungos and he still looked as handsome as ever. His black hair fell like a framing curtain around his face. Remus swallowed hard.
"Hi."
"What on earth are you doing here?! Are you okay?"
Remus chuckled, almost hysterically. He was not. Of course he wasn't.
"I'm fine," he responded.
"You look fucking miserable, mate."
"Oh, thank you very much. I'm flattered."
Sirius rolled his eyes. Awfully attractive. Equally annoying.
"Do you need a ride? My bike is parked around the corner."
His bike. Of course Sirius Black had a fucking bike. Remus sighed.
"No. I wouldn't know where to."
"Oh."
"What? Did you assume that sitting under bridges was just a fun past time of mine?," Remus asked dryly.
For a moment the only sound was the obnoxious dripping, water splattering onto Remus arms. He hiccuped again. Great.
"We still have that housing project."
Sirius' tone was blank. As if he didn't want to let Remus know whether he cared.
"I'm fine, thank you."
Sirius clicked his tounge in annoyance and pulled back abruptly.
"Fine then. Stay under this bloody bridge like you're a fucking troll! It's not like it's my fucking problem." He spun around and stomped off, his boots hittig the ground as if it had personally offended him.
For a couple seconds Remus just looked after him, tightly hugging his knees, still hiccuping.
Go after him. You need help.
Goddammit, mom.
He stood up, his limbs stiff from the cold and the cramped up position.
"Sirius! Wait!" His voice was so small that for a moment he thought that Sirius would simply not hear him. But he stopped. He didn't turn around though.
Remus frowned in confusion and was about to call out again when Sirius snapped his fingers at him.
"Are you coming or not?"
The ride on Sirius' bike was genuinely the worst experience Remus had had in his entire life. Apart from the one that had cursed him with his condition, maybe.
The icy air was cutting into his already freezing body and Remus hated flying. He had always hated it and avoided it like the plague. He preferred modes of transportation that didn't require him to hang miles above ground, solely supported by an enchanted object. And this wasn't even a broom!
"It's off the registry. I enchanted it myself. Cool isn't it?"
Cool, Remus thought grimly as he clung onto Sirius' leather jacket for dear life. This wasn't cool, this was a safety violation! They were going to die! Why would anyone want this? Were bikes not dangerous enough as it was? Did you need to fly them through the air like a lunatic? Apparently you did, if your name was Sirius Black.
Sirius Black was also the only good thing up here. Remus would have never admitted it, but it was nice having an excuse to hold onto him. He smelled really good and his body warmth felt nice. Remus leaned his chin onto Sirius' shoulder and risked a glimpse down below.
He immediately regretted it. This was a nightmare!
Remus was thoroughly relieved, when they finally arrived at the AWERE housing. The association had acquired a house on the outskirts of London, standing a bit back from the street, surrounded by a badly kempt garden. The building itself was painted in an offensive shade of green.
Sirius landed his bike on the overgrown lawn and led Remus inside.
Like many magical buildings, the house was a lot more vast on the inside than the outside would suggest. Two large mahogany staircases led up to the second floor and in between, two carpeted corridors framed the small makeshift reception desk in the middle. Sirius shrugged off his wet leather jacket and threw it carlessly onto the seat behind the desk.
"You're lucky, tonight is my shift, I won't even make you fill out the forms. We can do that tomorrow," he gave Remus a conspiratorial grin.
"Oh yeah, definitely having a lucky day," Remus murmured under his breath as he shuddered in his soggy clothes.
Sirius didn't seem to have heard his remark, luckily, and handed him a key with a little red number engraved on the keychain. "Room 010. I'll keep you down here with me, in case you need anything. Showers are down the hall but I'm afraid that the hot water is turned off at this hour. I'll give you a tour tomorrow, but you should go to bed. You look like you could use some sleep."
Remus nodded, a little overwhelmed by the information and started to trodd into the hallway Sirius had pointed to.
"Do you need anything else? I could make you some tea."
"I'm don't need anything, thank you."
"Are you sure? You look..."
"I'm don't need anything, thank you," Remus repeated a little more firmly and continued his path without turning back. He heard Sirius drop into his chair with an exasperated huff, mumbling something unfriendly under his breath.
Remus was shivering. His frozen body was adamantly refusing to warm up, despite the thick blanket on top of him. He had gotten too cold under that bridge. Even after he had changed out of his damp clothes into the flannel pyjamas that had been laying on his bed - he wondered if everyone got these, that seemed like such a waste - and had cast futile warming spells onto the blanket with shaky hands, he was still awfully cold. Trying magic today seemed futile. There was just too much going on in his head, all at once.
Remus spent a while, tossing and turning in bed but it wouldn't get better. Finally, he lifted himself up with a groan. He would have to ask for another blanket...
Without unwrapping from the seemingly useless duvet, Remus shuffled into the hall over to the reception desk, where Sirius was sitting, feet on the table, listening to a muggle radio and absentmindedly playing with a strand of his hair. He had a newspaper propped on his knees and was filling out a crossword puzzle. When he noticed Remus approching, he looked up questioningly.
"Uhm," Remus cleared his throat. "I'm a bit cold, still. Could I maybe...Could I maybe have another..."
His voice was so quiet, barely audible over the bubbling of the radio, but Sirius had apparently understood. He swung his legs down with this dramatic elegance that had annoyed and fascinated Remus since he'd first met him. There was really no need to be so damn cool...
"I thought you don't need anything?" Sirius mocked, but went to open a closet behind the desk and pulled out a woollen blanket. "Here. And I'm making you a hot water bottle. Your lips are still blue."
"The blanket will suffice, thank you. I'm fine," said Remus, taking the blanket, but his chattering teeth betrayed him. Sirius glared.
"You are the most obnoxious person that I have ever met! Stop saying you're fine when you clearly aren't! But whatever, soak in your misery, see if I care!"
Remus cringed and retreated quickly to his room, clutching his second blanket, while Sirius' eyes burned holes into his back.
Remus sank bank down into the mattress, cold and firm, and buried himself into both layers, letting only his nose poke out, so he could breathe. He was still cold. There was no point. The blankets only isolated him from the room temperature, but if his body itself was cold it did nothing.
He was secretly relieved when Sirius, despite his former words, poked his head through the door minutes later with the hot water bottle in hand.
"Take it or leave it," he said as he dropped the warm, fuzzy bag next to Remus. "But don't blame me, if you freeze."
Remus freed a hand from his cocoon and pulled the warm water bottle in. Its effect kicked in immediately, surrounding his body with blissfull warmth. He couldn't hold back a relived sigh. Fuck.
Remus didn't look up, but he was dead sure that Sirius was smirking. Dickhead, he thought, not without fondness.
"Thank you," he murmured instead.
"You are so welcome," Sirius said snappishly. And then, a little softer: "If you need anything else, you know where to find me."
Remus nodded, but Sirius was already out the door, snapping it shut with a quiet click.
Despite the long night, Remus woke up awfully early the next morning and simply couldn't find back to sleep. It was barely 6:30AM when he shuffled out of his room towards what he hoped to be the kitchen. He could use some tea...
The kitchen was small and stuffed to the brim with utensils and non-perishables, but was overall in a clean state. Remus wondered whether they had a cleaning plan for this. As he picked through the tea, he noticed labels on some of the boxes that made him stop. Maybe they had a system here. He didn't want to take other people's stuff. He should ask Sirius.
When Remus arrived at the reception, Sirius had fallen asleep at the desk, slumped over, his face buried in the crook of his arm, his hair flowing over the edge of the table like a black waterfall. It looked so soft, and for a brief moment Remus was tempted to touch it.
Should he really wake him? Maybe he should just wait. Remus was about to turn around and retreat back to his room when Sirius shifted and looked up, quickly sitting back up as he noticed him.
"Woops, sorry. Fell asleep. Do you need something?" His voice was deep and thick from sleep, his face and eyes a little puffy. He looked cute...
Stop it! We will not revive that crush!
"Uhm... I wanted to make some tea, but I didn't know if it's alright..."
Sirius swung himself to his feet.
"Sure, sure, I'll show you around."
While Sirius was getting the kettle to boil and rummaged trough the cabinets for suitable mugs, Remus took the chance to take a good look at him in the soft morning sun that was glimmering through the old fashioned lace curtains of the kitchen windows.
He looked a lot more tired than when they had last met, dark circles underneath his eyes, his hair much longer, a couple silver rings adorning his ears and nose. Maybe the activism lifestyle was catching up on him.
Sirius rolled his head and rubbed his neck, probably stiff from his nap, and tapped his long fingers impatiently on the counter as they waited for the kettle to boil.
"Why don't you just use a spell?"
Sirius turned to him with a shrug and a frown.
"Got used to it here. We've got a bunch of muggle stuff since not everyone here still has got their wand. Some don't even really know how to use it. It's more accessible this way."
Remus nodded grimly. Right. Many wolves that had been bitten young hadn't had the privilege of still going to Hogwarts, like he had. And the ministry had a prefrence for taking away the wands from any wolf that didn't adhere to an impeccable crime record. It was simply unfair. Other wizards and witches could set whole muggle villages on fire 'by accident' and still be allowed to practice magic, but Merlin forbid a werewolf nicked an apple from a stall at the market... He sighed. It was how it was.
"So everything with a name on it belongs to someone personally, but everything else is fair game for the public. The association stocks up on basic supplies and groceries, but if you want anything special you've got to get it yourself. And don't forget to label it! Otherwise the others will devour it like hungry..." Sirius trailed off and waved his hand around in a vague motion. "Well, you know."
"Wolves?" Remus asked curtly and dropped two teabags from an unlabled carton into their mugs. The cheap brand.
Sirius shrugged, looking a tad contrite, before his expression popped back to his usual nonchalance. He looked up to Remus, meeting his eyes. Gorgeous eyes, Remus thought. So clear and yet so warm. He caught himself trailing his gaze over to Sirius perfectly shaped nose, down to his lips - quickly averting his gaze back to the now whistling kettle.
Remus reached out and filled their mugs, still feeling Sirius' eyes on him, making him feel hot.
"So...Did you think about it then?"
Remus frowned in confusion.
"About what?"
"About what I offered a year ago. We still need a representative and if you live here now..."
Remus froze, staring into the darkening tea.
"Sirius..."
"Listen, we really need you..."
"You don't need me."
"Yes we do! We haven't found anyone remotely suitable and willing to..."
"Oh, I wonder why that could be," Remus interrupted him dryly and stirred in his cup. "I thought people would be fighting over who gets to be dragged in front of ministry officials as some sort of token werewolf, so your fine association can use them as a leading example of what the 'perfect lycanthropist' looks like."
Sirius snorted.
"Sirius, I'm not perfect, and I never will be. In fact, none of us are. Some of us are good, some of us will go and hurt people, but none of this should matter, because we are just people."
"Exactly the point!" Sirius leaned back aginst the counter, crossing his arms. "We want them to see the potential..."
"Which bloody potential?" Remus spat in frustration and dropped the spoon with a loud clink. "We don't have potential! Not in this world, not in this system..."
"That's why we are trying to change it!"
"But there is no point!"
Sirius let out a furious breath. "Of course there is! You are just too ignorant to see it!"
Remus huffed. This was absurd. Sirius was delusional. He just needed a project to channel his youthful energy into and didn't like it when people called it out as nonsense.
"Why do you even care? You are not a werewolf. Your family is filthy rich!"
"Don't bring my family into this!" Sirius hissed, his fingers digging into his arms, his eyes shooting daggers at Remus. But Remus had no intention of giving in.
"Why not? It is true, isn't it? You don't have to do any of this. You can just wake up one day, when you are eventually fed up with the futility of it all, and you can just walk away from it. We can't do that! I can't do that! And you have no right to hold this over my head from your high horse..."
"My high horse? I'm not on a high horse, you have just thrown yourself to the ground like a worm so you can writhe in your own misery, pretending like you are unable to get up. When really, you just enjoy being helpless so you can continue to ignore your own responsibility and privilege!"
Sirius' words felt like a gut punch. How dare he? He was one to speak of privilege.
"I will go." Remus turned and started walking out the kitchen towards the entrance door, Sirius rushing after him.
"I thought you don't have anywhere to go."
"None of your bloody business is it?" Remus snapped, tears in his eyes. "I will figure this out myself. I don't need your help. You've got nothing to offer to me!"
He pulled the door shut after him and strode off into the crisp morning air, his chest feeling tight with anger and self pity. How dare he be right.