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Jordan’s relationship with their parents was nothing short of complex.
Ever since the V had entered their veins, they used it to their complete advantage. Their parents never knew whether a son or daughter would emerge from their room each morning. They had never felt truly connected to their male body, spending most of their waking hours in their female form. Regardless, they were met with the same, fucking comments.
You are my son, always and forever
Do you really need to switch? Guests are arriving shortly
Jordan switch back for the picture
Jordan’s having his ‘girl’ phase right now, he’ll grow out of it eventually
It never stopped.
Their parents were fine with injecting them with dangerous drugs, but not them switching to female? What a fucking joke. Why not use their powers they were ‘blessed’ with? It was starting to seem like a curse nowadays.
But that’s the thing, they fucking loved to switch.
They soon realized that their switching abilities might be a manifestation of everything they had been feeling their entire life, finally they had a way to ease the discomfort. Sure they felt like a guy sometimes , but even that was a stretch.
They loved to be a girl.
They loved to have longer hair, a higher voice, and a smaller frame. They loved the feeling of being themself.
But they would never admit that though, that they much preferred their female frame. They would never admit that they wanted to be called ‘she’ sometimes, even in male form, and that being called a boy stung. She would never admit that her power was more than just an ability, but an extension of who she truly was. And she would certainly never admit that she wished she was born in her female form.
Never.
They wished that their father would view them as his daughter, not his disappointment of a son. They knew they were fucked up, but it still hurt like hell.
Her father resented her female form, not for any rational reason, but because she was supposed to be his son.
Her female form was also resented by the countless girls she would fuck on campus.
Most of the time they would be into her male form at whatever party or bar they were at, but were later disappointed by their female form when they returned home.
Can you just change back?
I thought you would be a guy for this
I’m not a lesbian Jordan
I didn’t sign up to fuck a girl tonight
And she would always do whatever they wished, terrified of their rejection. She didn’t like her male form too much anymore. Scratch that, she fucking hated her male body.
She honestly preferred to hook up with straight dudes, because they loved her female form just as much as she did. However sometimes they would be more comfortable as a male in the morning, which caused some confusion, and homophobic slurs yelled at her. She just couldn’t win.
Honestly, she wondered whether she liked her male form, or if she preferred the way she was treated in her male form.
All their friends were pretty accepting, using gender neutral language when referring to them, but she wondered whether they did this out of respect, or confusion.
Did they view her as a trans person, or a gender-less freak of nature?
These thoughts became unimportant, as she was transported inside Cate’s mind.
-
She couldn’t switch.
She couldn’t. Fucking. Switch.
Beads of sweat began to roll down their forehead as the realization creeped over them.
What the fuck.
Marie saw the look of panic on her face as she tried and failed to switch, and her breath began to pick up. Marie tried to cut open her palm and control her blood, but it was no use.
All their powers had gone to shit.
This felt disgusting.
They felt the discomfort bubbling up from the pit of their stomach as they realized that they were stuck in boy form. Fucking gross. Their hair was too short, their hips too narrow, their hands too big. They felt like a girl right now, and she was so used to being able to switch at any time that she never learned to actually deal with the gender dysphoria she had. She realized that she had never even experienced it before. It all felt so fucking overwhelming, being an imposter in your own body.
As the group of them travelled through Cate’s memories, she began to feel numb. She didn’t feel right. Like, not at all.
“You good Jordan?” Asked Marie while they were trudging through the forest.
“Not really. You?”
“Pretty shitty myself. Thanks for asking.” Replied Marie. She watched their expression, sorrowful and awkward. “Does it have anything to do with you not being able to switch?”
Fuck, she read their mind.
“Maybe. I guess so. Yeah. It does.”
Marie chuckled. “It’s okay to not be okay. These aren’t exactly ideal circumstances.” She paused, contemplating her next words. “I think I have an idea what’s wrong, but do you want to talk to me about it?”
She sighed. “I’m a girl right now. But I can’t switch, and it’s fucking with my head. This isn’t me.”
Marie nodded. “Would you like me to call you ‘she’ right now? Would that help?”
“Yeah. Yeah it would. I want people to call me that more often. It feels nice.” Marie smiled.
“Good to know. Please just talk to me if you feel bad Jordan. I want to help you.”
They smiled at her. “Thank you. It’s hard to talk about this shit for me. Since my parents weren’t exactly accepting of it. But you’re different. It means a lot. I guess.”
“No problem, Jordan.”
They smiled as Marie called her ‘she’ the rest of the day.
-
Jordan found herself in Marie’s bed more than her own.
And she fucking loved it.
Marie didn’t care that she preferred being a girl, because Marie loved all of her. It didn’t feel real, it was like a high that she could never come down from.
Jordan laid her head on Marie’s lap while she ran her fingers through their hair, reveling in how smooth and soft it was.
“You have beautiful hair, Jordan.”
“Thank you. So do you.”
They sat in a comfortable silence for a little while before Jordan stood up to get ready for the day. And as soon as they were up, they switched.
“You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to, Jordan.” Marie’s voice was gentle and understanding.
“What do you mean?” They knew what she meant.
“I meant that I know how uncomfortable you are like this. You much prefer girl mode, I can just see it in your eyes. You’re more confident that way.”
She switched back again before plopping down next to Marie.
“Do you want to explain it to me? How you feel? I’m here to listen.” She pushed her locs behind her shoulders and rested her chin on her hands.
“I don’t know. I was born a guy obviously, but it feels so fucking right to be a girl. I absolutely love it. And I love how I still get to dress masculine but be perceived correctly. It feels so freeing. My boy form feels like a tool for me, something I can switch on and off. But I feel like I’m almost always a girl. It’s a safe haven for me, like a warm hug or some corny shit like that.”
Marie chuckled. “So would you still call yourself bigender or genderfluid? Does that feel right to you?”
“Everyone has labeled me bigender for my whole life, but that feels just as correct as being a dude! No one fucking gets it and I’m sick of it.”
“Okay. So then what would you label yourself?”
She paused. “Trans.” Marie grabbed her hand and gave her a warm smile. “I’m trans, Marie.”
Marie smiled and tucked their hair behind her ear. “That’s amazing Jordan. Thank you for sharing that with me.”
Jordan leaned in to hug their girlfriend, and their eyes definitely didn’t start to water.
“Would you still like me to call you she and they?” Jordan nodded their head, eyes glazed over.
Marie leaned in for a kiss, pulling Jordan’s head into hers, their lips soft with lip gloss.
“Are you sure you want to date a girl?”
Marie laughed, and leaned her forehead into their shoulder.
“You think I’m straight? That’s funny.”
Jordan smiled and playfully slapped her shoulder.
“I hate you.”
“I hate you more.”
Marie never pressured her, and she finally felt secure in her skin.
It would all be okay. She could finally breathe.