Chapter Text
And it always leads to you in my hometown
I parkеd my car right between the Methodist
And thе school that used to be ours
The holidays linger like bad perfume
You can run, but only so far
I escaped it too, remember how you watched me leave
Oikawa Tooru was many things but patience was not one of them, anyone could tell you that, just waiting and seeing was not his style, he made things happen, was always on the move, and always needed to be doing something. So just waiting on a plane to his hometown was the worst way he could be using his time, he could be training and exercising for the upcoming matches but now he was bored to death in a plane with bad food and stupid movies. The first hours were quite okay, nothing he hadn’t done before, but the flight was over thirty hours and he didn’t know what to do anymore, there weren’t many good movies to watch, Oikawa was bored and quickly regretted his decision of coming back for the holidays if it wouldn’t be for his -not so little- nephew that had specially asked him to come home he wouldn’t have done it.
He didn’t come back home often, and his mother wasn’t too happy about it, but he was a grown man who could make his own choices, and that choice most of the time was staying in Argentina, the first year her mother called constantly to know how he was, not even once she asked him to come back, but did started asking to come to visit the third year, and gave up the fifth.
The truth was simply that Oikawa liked living in Argentina, especially during the holidays. At first, it was weird to have Christmas in the summer, it was almost a surreal experience having to spend his first Christmas Eve in a swimming pool with his teammates. And he could admit he kinda liked having a hot Christmas, he liked Latin America's way of celebrating the holiday. Even when he liked watching the snowfall at night, watching the warm lights twinkle, if they asked him now he would always choose to be under the sun.
So the idea of coming back to a cold Miyagi wasn’t that nice.
Sometimes he would allow himself to admit that he felt nostalgic, just on certain nights, he would reminisce about his sister’s homemade cooking, or how it was to run down the halls of his childhood home. Most of the time those memories ended back in Aoba Johsai’s volleyball team, the gym, the sound of the shoes against the court, the team. Oikawa was not heartless, he could say that he sometimes missed his friends, thinking of the good times, wondering if they missed him too, but that question was never enough to ask them, or come back home to know.
Home was a funny word, he didn’t know what that was anymore.
When he was a child he knew the way back home, the long walks back from school with Iwaizumi, home was the house he entered and it was warm, his sister was in the kitchen making both of the boys' lunch, home was when his mother came late with milk bread on her hands. Then he grew up, his sister left the house for university and his mother started taking late shifts, coming back when he was already asleep. The home that he always felt warm in and it was vibrating with happiness turned into a silent and cold house. He didn’t even feel sad when his sister made a home of her own with a husband and a baby, even back then, Tooru knew there was no space for him in that home.
Somedays home was more like a place with no walls, the long walks in the park as Iwaizumi tried looking for bugs, or the bench where they used to sit down and talk about everything and nothing important.
But then home became the gym he used to play volleyball in, somehow he felt more at home there than everywhere else, he loved playing there, that was the place where he felt like he grew as a person, as a setter. But that dream never lasted long, there was something that burst his bubble, and more than once that thing was no other than Kageyama Tobio.
He didn’t hate Tobio, even when he tried really hard to pretend as he did, but a part of him would always resent him a little, maybe in another universe Tobio never became the volleyball legend that he is, and in that universe, Oikawa Tooru never left Japan, he became the national team’s setter with Atsumu Miya. But this was not that universe and now Oikawa was taking a plane to go back to the place he once called home for a couple of days.
A part of him knew that the closest thing he had to a stable home was Iwaizumi himself.
He could pretend all he wanted it was not a big deal, but he didn’t think he would be the person he is now if it weren’t for Iwa-chan, he had been there by his side since the beginning, his childhood friend, turned into a teammate, turned into his best friend, who now was more like a glorified stranger than the person that once knew him the best.
Oikawa still texted him but it wasn’t like it was, the first year they texted almost daily updating each other on the new things that happened to them, but then life started getting in the way and now it was rare for them to text each other outside the birthday wishes and the random ‘how are you?’s, none of those texts ever came close to how it was to spend the night in each other's bedrooms talking until sunrise.
God, he missed him.
Did Iwaizumi miss him too?
Did he spend hours thinking back on those late-night talks?
Probably he didn’t.
Sendai airport was packed, and he wasn’t the only one back in his native land for the holiday, he took the first taxi that he found and closed his eyes hoping, praying that the road back to his mother’s house would not be long. He paid for his taxi and got out in his childhood street, walking with nothing but his backpack to the house where he grew up. He didn’t have much with him, but he didn’t take much either when he left Japan the first time.
it was still too early in the morning, the street was almost empty as he walked down, and the only other silhouette that he could see was a guy running in his direction, clearly in some kind of morning exercise, the guy passed him and Oikawa didn’t even look in his direction as he was looking around, the street looked exactly the same like not a single day had gone by.
It was ironic the way he felt like the only thing that had changed in those years was him.
“Tooru?”
Oikawa stopped walking, moving automatically; he turned around before his memory could put a face to that voice, and he saw him. Iwaizumi Hajime was standing a couple of feet away from him taking one of his headphones, and for a moment he thought he was dreaming.
Iwaizumi was there in front of him.
He was taller than he was in his memory, and more muscular than his Instagram showed, it took him a couple of minutes to remember that Iwaizumi was not in the United States anymore, that he had come back to Japan after university, he hadn’t known how he forgot that. Iwazuimi was there in front of him smiling so brightly and he felt like he was back in Argentina with the sun shining on his face.
But Oikawa felt so cold, his best friend of years was there in front of him and he was just frozen in his place.
“Iwa-chan.” The nickname felt odd on his lips.
He used to call him that every day of the week, but now it felt strange like he had somehow lost the privilege of calling him that even when he was the one that invented the nickname, it felt wrong. He didn’t even know what to call him, Hajime was too personal, he went away for years, and he didn’t deserve to call him that that was reserved for friends and family, but calling him Iwaizumi was even weirder, he never called him that.
Maybe it felt weird because he had forgotten how to talk to him.
“I didn’t know you were back.”
“I just came out of the airport.” Then after a couple of seconds, he decided to add. “Sorry I didn’t tell you in advance, it was a last-minute decision.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
An awkward silence began between the two of them. They didn’t have those back then, he could even hear the faint sound of the music, some English raper that Oikawa would have never thought Iwaizumi liked coming from his headphones.
Maybe Oikawa was not the only thing that had changed in that street, Iwaizumi felt different, he didn’t know how, maybe if he had stayed he would have been able to pinpoint exactly what felt new about him, but he didn’t stay so the only thing he could do was wonder.
“So, how long are you staying?”
“Not long, January second is my flight back.”
He stood there, watching him with a weird look in his eyes, like Iwaizumi was taking his time processing the words, processing the fact that Oikawa was really there, in Japan, in front of him. He seemed to notice that the silence between the two had been stretching a bit too much.
“Two weeks, yeah good, that's good,” Iwaizumi said, stumbling with his words.
God, why is this so awkward?
“Yeah, are you on break too?
“I need to check some things tomorrow, but yeah I’m on break.”
“Oh, good luck then.”
This was his best friend of years, the one that came with him to every volleyball match, his ace, his right hand, but now? He felt like he was being forced to talk to a stranger. It was weird and awkward, Oikawa never imagined that he would be waiting for the moment to run away from a conversation with Iwazuimi.
“See you around, glad to have you back.”
“Yeah, me too…” He didn’t sound glad, but Oikawa still smiled and waved to Iwaizumi as he continued his run.
Oikawa dragged his feet down the end of the street to the last house.
The lights were off, but it was not like he was expecting a warm welcome so early in the morning, he could see Christmas lights hanging up in the windows, but it was all dark illuminated only by the faint light of the morning.
He didn’t have a copy of the keys anymore so he knocked on the door, and waited.
A couple of minutes passed before the door was opened, and his sister was standing in front of him, she looked so old, nothing like the beautiful young woman he left behind when he left, it was not even a shadow of the girl she was when she left home with a bag full of her big dreams.
“You are early.”
This was definitely not a warm welcome. She left the door open for him as she went back to the living room, he was not a kid anymore, he didn’t expect his sister to run to hug him anymore, but a proper greeting would have been enough.
“Hello to you too.”
He entered the house feeling attached immediately by the familiar sense, he couldn’t even describe what it was, it was warm and sweet, he could even pretend it was the smell of vanilla cookies, but he knew well enough that nobody in his house baked anything, it was probably an air freshener, like everything in the house even the smell was for playing pretend. The house was still dark and simple, Oikawa could point to all the things that were still the same, not much had changed, and his mother still had a horrible sense of decorating.
“Why don't you go to bed? I will wake you up when lunch is ready, or dinner, you tell me.” His sister said absently from the sofa.
Oikawa Aiko was a beautiful woman, very put together and elegant, that type of woman people turned around to see, he always remembered her that way, with her long brown hair perfectly in place, wearing an elegant beige suit with her heels marking her steps as she walked in his direction. Aiko was successful, the type of life every parent wants for their kids, a good career, money, and a loving family.
That was not that woman in front of him.
She was looking at the wall with an indescribable expression on her face, she was still in her pajamas, her face bare and her hair a mess, dark circles under her beautiful brown eyes. Aiko looked defeated.
“I think I just need a shower,” Oikawa said slowly, he was not even sure if she was listening to him.
“No jet lag?
“It's the same time in Argentina…” Even when he had traveled so many hours he didn’t feel sleepy, just tired and sore.
Aiko nodded without looking at him as she raised the cup he hadn’t realized before that was her hand and drank a big portion of it, his eyes went directly into the bottle of vodka that was almost empty.
“Are you… day drinking?”
His sister didn’t drink, at least not in his memories, maybe the occasional celebratory sake once every blue moon, but even if she did drink he always imagined she did it more fashionably, maybe with some champagne or a glass of expensive wine, not vodka in the middle of the morning.
“It's like eight a.m.” He continued, unable to stop himself. “It 's Monday.”
“Are you gonna bitch about my drinking or are you gonna drink with me?” She asked as she passed the bottle in his direction.
Oikawa could have said that he didn’t drink even when he was on break, that he didn’t like vodka that much, he could have simply said no, but he didn’t, instead, he took a swing at the bottle, drinking almost all that was left. He felt it burn down his throat, he hadn’t had a drink in a long time and it was not like he was expecting to have one so early in the morning.
“Look at my little brother, all grown up to have a drink with me.” Even when her eyes showed her sadness she still smiled in his direction.
“I'm 27 already, Aiko.”
“You are still a baby in my eyes.”
He didn’t think he was, but was not gonna contradict her, she was the one that almost raised him, ever since his father had left them for another woman, their mother was too busy having to get extra shifts to cover the bills, Aiko took the main caretaker role of the family, taking care of the food and cleaning, she still managed to come first of her class somehow. Oikawa was not a baby anymore, not since she had her child.
“So…” Oikawa spoke to cover the silence but was not so sure of what to ask about what was obviously bothering her.
“So?”
“What happened?”
His sister seemed to think for a couple of seconds, neither of them knew how to have a normal conversation between siblings who hadn’t seen each other in years. So she decided to just drop the bomb.
“Daisuke is having an affair.”
“What?”
What? Daisuke had always looked like the perfect husband, at least the perfect husband for her sister, Oikawa met him when they were still in high school, they had been dating for a long time, he got a big job in his father company and was able to provide for them, so when baby Takeru was born it was not an issue, they had the money and love to bring life to this world. Or at least that was how it looked.
“She is eighteen, Tooru.” Aiko spat the words like had been choking on her throat and was just able to say them now. “Eighteen.”
She didn’t need to emphasize her words so much, he could hear her very clearly, and he understood what she was saying. That girl was Takeru’s age.
He could only begin to imagine the amount of confusion and disgust that his sister must be feeling, on top of the beyond-description amount of sadness to discover your own husband, who had been at your side for almost twenty years, is cheating on you.
“Fuck, does Takeru know?”
Oikawa almost felt bad that his first question was not how she was, but instead to know about his nephew. Almost.
“No, I found out last night.” She finished her drink. “He is upstairs sleeping.”
“Aiko…”
The tears were slow, but he could see that they had been building up, probably since she found out, he wondered why she didn’t demand answers at that same moment. Oikawa could see his sister silently walking around the house just thinking all night long, pacing like a ghost.
Aiko didn’t cry like that, she was a grown woman, his older sister, and she was mature and elegant. She didn’t look that broken and small.
“I'm sorry that you have to see me like this… I’m so sorry- This was supposed to be a nice week, the family finally together and I- I can’t even look at him.”
“Stop apologizing.” He interrupted softly. “What do you want me to do? I can throw him and his things out of the window if you ask me.”
“How am I going to explain this to Takeru?” She asked back in the same broken tone.
“He is not a baby anymore, I’m more worried about the guy sleeping under this roof who likes girls fresh out of school.”
“Please don’t say anything.” She asked as she cleaned her tears. “I will call a lawyer in the afternoon, I just need a shoulder to cry on…”
“Come here.”
He didn’t remember the last time his sister had hugged him, maybe it had been the day of his graduation, or maybe that night that he took the flight to Argentina. Aiko felt so small in his arms, she was not a small woman by any standard, she was tall, taller than most women that he knew, but there sitting on the same couch as him as she just cried her eyes out, she looked more like a kid.
Oikawa allowed her to cry for what felt like a couple of hours, but it had just passed thirty minutes, he was more surprised that no one else in the house had woken up yet, their mother usually woke up early but stayed in her room until noon working on her projects. Takeru and Daisuke slept until late, so it seemed like it was just the two siblings until lunch.
“Did you know that Takeru is planning on moving away for university?” Aiko asked when she was able to catch her breath.
“Where is he planning to go?”
“Overseas, can you believe it?” She sounded hurt. “He is so small…”
Maybe he couldn’t understand because he didn’t have anything or anyone tying him to a place, he didn’t experience that sadness, that disappointment of someone leaving him, in fact, he was happy to learn that Takeru was leaving home, away from his father.
Maybe that was why it had been so easy for him to leave.
“You left home for university at that age too.” Oikawa reminded her.
“I went to Tokyo, not the other side of the world.”
“Yeah, but I did.” The words came out without any bite, he spoke softly. “I left for Argentina the second I was out of high school, literally to the other side of the word.”
“Did you regret it?”
That was the golden question, wasn’t it?
How could he? Oikawa Tooru was successful, and had the career of his dreams, playing on the team that he had admired since he had been a little kid, yes he was away from his family, but the truth is, he was not sure anymore.
There were days when he looked out the window, taking in the view of Argentina, and he regretted every single thing that he had ever done in his life, but it was just a passing thought, brought from dark parts of his mind.
“I’m a professional volleyball player and playing in the national team Aiko.”
“You didn’t answer.”
The truth was, he didn’t.
Oikawa was ambitious to a fault, he would leave everything behind in a heartbeat again if he could if he knew everything would work out the way it did.
“No.” He confirmed. “Not even once.”
“Did you miss us?
“Every single day.”
Even when he felt like that was the truth it felt more like a lie coming out of his lips.
Lunch was tense.
Around one he went up to take a shower and Aiko went to make food for everybody. It was a long shower until he was convinced that the airport’s smell had left his body for good. Oikawa was still in the shower when he heard the house coming alive as the rest of the family came down to help Aiko. By the time he had finished and came down the family was ready to have lunch, and he exchanged hellos with his mother. The only one who seemed happy that morning was Takeru, who smiled brightly when he saw Oikawa coming down the stairs. His sister did not do a great job at covering her emotions, so the lunch was in more silence than anything else, but he was used to it, now that he was living alone.
“Tooru.”
He raised his eyes, looking at his nephew, Takeru was looking at him expectantly.
He wasn’t the little kid he knew once, he wasn’t so little anymore, he looked like a carbon copy of himself, he could imagine him wearing the cyan uniform of Aoba Johsai playing on the volleyball team, with his messy brown hair and doe brown eyes. Takeru looked just like him, just like Aiko, but he looked softer.
Oikawa Tooru had this thing in his younger years that he looked like a star amongst men, someone you look at from afar, someone untouchable, but Takeru didn’t look like that, he looked kinder, approachable. He looked like everything Tooru could have been but wasn’t.
It was weird, looking at him was looking at a window that showed him the present and the past all in one.
“Yeah?”
“Can you practice volleyball with me in the afternoon?”
He noticed the weird glances his mother and sister exchanged, but he pretended to not care. There was something more in that question, but Oikawa couldn’t understand what it was.
“Of course.”
Takeru smiled at him brightly, like he had received the best news in a while. He still remembered when he was younger and he would never smile at him, he pretended like having Oikawa as his uncle was the most embarrassing thing in the world.
Maybe things did change, not just him.
The cold started setting in, Oikawa could see his breath when he came out of the house, part of him wanted to call things off with Takeru and spend the afternoon under the covers sleeping for half of the day, but he was unable to say no to his favorite nephew, even when Takeru usually reminded him that he was his only nephew.
As they began walking Oikawa took his time to take in the view.
Miyagi looked the same and at the same time it looked like nothing before, it was like he was looking at the place where he grew up through a funny mirror.
“So where are we going?” Oikawa asked after a couple of minutes of walking behind Takeru.
“A place to play volleyball.”
He could think of a couple of places, none were by the road Takeru was taking him, but maybe his nephew had discovered some new spot that he didn’t know about. For a second he imagined they were walking back to his school, but that was in the opposite direction and it was probably closed for the winter break.
Takeru walked in front of him with a volleyball ball under his arm. Oikawa couldn't shake the feeling of how similar Takeru looked to a young version of him, he wasn’t sure if he was moved by the revelation or terrified.
“This will do.”
They stopped in front of a little park, it was big enough for them to play comfortably, and there was no one else around to be an issue so they started practicing between the two of them. Oikawa was going easy on him, giving him tips to receive better, not that he needed them, but there was still some improvement to be made.
That was what moved him, always on the move, always ready to be better, to improve.
“So you came back.” Takeru said in between their little game.
They had not been talking much during their game, nothing else than the tips that Oikawa offered and the questions that Takeru had, everything volleyball-related, so Oikawa raised his eyebrows in suspicion when he heard his nephew.
“Did you forget it already, Takeru? You asked me to come home.”
“I did.” Takeru gave him a quick smile, but his eyes stayed on the ball. “And you came.”
“Of course.”
“That’s a first.”
Oikawa caught the ball instead of sending it falling back to Takeru.
“Is that supposed to mean something?” Oikawa asked back.
Takeru just raised his shoulders in defense, still in the receiving position ready for the ball again.
“It's the first time you come back, you usually spend Christmas there.”
“I live in Argentina now.”
Oikawa sent the ball again, he felt a little annoyed, he didn’t need people reminding him, he reminded himself enough.
Takeru this time didn’t answer. They went back to sending the ball back and forth, but Oikawa still felt the heaviness of the conversation on his shoulders.
“I want to study abroad.”
Oikawa hummed, he could tell that was where the conversation was going, now he had realized that that was the reason all along for Takeru to ask him to come back, so they could have the conversation they were having now.
“Aiko told me.” He decided to answer.
“Yeah I figured, mom was acting weird at lunch, she doesn’t like the idea of me leaving.”
He was not going to tell him that the reason his mother was acting so weird was because she had just learned that his father was cheating on her with a girl, that was not something that he wanted to explain. And there was some truth on what Takeru said, Aiko was sad about the idea of her son leaving.
“Where are you planning to go?”
“The Philippines.”
“It’s not that far away.”
Compared to Argentina all options seemed closer, he wasn’t sure but he thought Argentina was actually the furthest from Japan. The Philippines was still a completely different country, but he was sure Takeru still had chosen the closest option he had.
“For you, for mom even Osaka is too far.” He could see his sister worrying about absolutely any option.
“Don’t listen to her, she went away from home to study too.”
“I don’t know…”
Takeru had long forgotten the volleyball ball, he was looking at Oikawa like he was waiting for him to give him the answer to a question he had never asked out loud, but he was not very sure of what to say if he was supposed to act like he was worry too or cheer him to go to another county for his education, especially considering how good of an option Philipinnes were.
Until Oikawa finally recognized the expression on Takeru’s face. It was doubt.
“Is it too far away for you?” He asked softly. “I’m sure there are closer options.”
“No, is not that.”
“Then?”
He didn’t have any idea what Takeru’s problem was, maybe it was because it had always been such a simple choice for him to take that he expected to be easy for Takeru too.
“What if I regret it?” Takeru asked in a tiny voice like he was ashamed to even be asking that.
“You will not.” Oikawa was not sure if that was a good thing to say. “And if you do is not the end of the world, you are young, and you are allowed to make mistakes and regret them.”
Takeru looked so much like him that for a fraction of a second, he imagined he was talking to himself, telling himself he could always back up from his dream in Argentina, but deep down Tooru knew that was not coming back even if he failed, because that meant giving up, and that was not something he knew how to do.
“You can always come back home.”
He felt like a hypocrite saying that, but it was the truth in his mind, Takeru could always come back, but he couldn't. He didn’t allow himself to come back.
“And what if I don’t regret it?” For some reason that seemed to be a bigger issue than regretting it, he sounded like he was more scared of enjoying himself out there. “And I leave everyone behind, I can’t do that to them after-”
Oh.
Oh fuck.
“After me?”
Takeru looked at him with a complicated expression on his face. But Oikawa knew.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
Takeru was scared of leaving because of how he left them. Oikawa was aware that his leaving was something that everybody experienced, not only him, but it was different seeing it in the way Takeru's expression soured. He knew it had to be difficult for his family but did he really know? now he wasn’t so sure.
“I see your point anyway.” He responded after a couple of minutes, trying his best to not show how he felt at that moment. “Look I don’t know what happened after I left, but I can tell you how it was living in another country, what it was to start from nothing, the things you need, the things to avoid, but you call the shots, if you don’t want to hear it I will not say a word.”
Oikawa was not sure if Takeru was going to ask him or not, so he waited in silence, sitting down on one little bench, as he watched Takeru collect his thoughts.
“Your friends, tell me about how you kept in contact with them.”
“Well, texting and video calls are amazing for that, you just need to make sure the times are right, with different time zones and that.”
He didn’t mention that only worked for the first year, before life got in the way, but that happened always when you grew up, but he wasn’t going to be the one that broke that news to him, that was one of those things that you learn on your own.
“And Iwaizumi?”
“What happens with him?” He raised his eyebrows in confusion, he was pretty sure Iwaizumi was under the friends category.
“You two…?” Takeru looked at him with his brown eyes, before blinking slowly like he was just processing something. “You guys were not together?”
“What? No.”
“Oh, I kinda assumed…”
Oikawa was not against the idea, or at least he had not been during their high school years, Iwaizumi was handsome, and it was the person who knew him the best, but nothing ever happened between the two of them. Yes, sometimes he did have the occasional doubts, but who hasn’t been confused about being in love or not with their best friend?
But in the end, nothing happened, he and Iwaizumi took different paths in life, and nothing romantic could ever happen between the two of them, not after Oikawa made his choice.
“Are you worried about your love life? That’s what you are asking me?”
“Maybe.”
“Oh god, are you dating somebody and you didn’t tell me?”
“It’s not like you were around.”
Fair.
Oikawa didn’t even pretend to be offended by the comment, he just let out a little laugh. Takeru was smiling softly but he looked sad. Oikawa realized that had been the root of the problem.
“I don’t want to leave her…”
“Long distance relationships are a thing, you know? It doesn’t work for everyone, but you can’t throw away the opportunity you have because you are scared of things not working out.” Oikawa commented he didn’t think he could do long distance, but he knew people that made it work. “Did you tell her this?”
“Yes. She said she is no stranger to distance and if is okay with me, it’s okay with her too.”
“She sounds nice.”
“She is.” Takeru smiled even more.
“I'm glad you found someone like her.”
The conversation never concluded, Takeru took everything that they spoke and started thinking about it, Oikawa recognized that the conversation had ended for his end, there was nothing else that he could say right now.
He just hoped he had said the right things.
“Let’s go back home, I’m freezing.”