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zhong chenle ran away from home when he was sixteen. from a very young age, he knew he didn't belong. he never fit in with his peers or his family, no one ever seemed to understand him.
he grew up in a small, forgotten town. the kids at school never liked him; they teased and shoved him through the halls while the teachers lurked in the shadows, doing nothing. his parents weren't any better, they called him cruel names and looked down on him with disdain.
everyone around him seemed comfortable with who they were. the other kids dreamed of becoming singers, ballerinas, or astronauts. but chenle had no idea what he wanted.
when he was seven, the circus came to town, and his parents took him to see it. he still remembers the fire that ignited inside him, his eyes sparkling as he watched a man swallow a sword, and a lady with a beard.
that fire burned even brighter when he saw people soaring gracefully through the air. trapeze, they called it.
it was a world full of talented people, those who stood apart from the rest; outcasts, misfits. for the first time, chenle knew where he belonged. he finally understood where his home was, where he would shine.
his family never supported his dream of joining the circus. they called it a "freak show" and questioned why he would want to be part of that. "my son will never be one of those freaks," they said.
but at night, alone in his room, chenle danced under an invisible spotlight, imagining thousands of eyes like his, eyes that loved him.
he tied a long silk ribbon to his ceiling, hiding it away by day, and practiced as much as he could in the late hours of the night. he knew this was his passion.
that's how he came up with the plan. he saved every cent of his pocket money, and on the day he turned sixteen, he left. he left the country, took a bus to the nearest city, and got off right in front of the doors of a huge red-and-white tent he just knew would be his forever home.
chenle still remembers the nerves as he pushed aside the curtain and stepped inside. a show was underway, people swinging from the ceiling, clowns juggling, and right in the center, a cage with a motorbike circling inside.
he recalls the man in a funny red-and-golden suit walking up to him and saying, "there's a passion in your eyes, young man. how would you like to join the circus?"
that was how chenle got to where he is today. in a large, empty room at the back of the ring, practicing for his next show.
the man who approached him three years ago was park jiwon, the showman and an incredible magician, one that chenle himself could barely figure out.
he performed tricks chenle had never seen before. he was an escape artist too, in chenles opinion, almost as good as houdini. almost. because chenle was convinced houdini actually had magical powers.
the main performers were mark lee and lee jeno, sword swallowers and fire breathers. lee jeno was also extraordinarily strong. na jaemin was the tightrope walker. lee donghyuck, a contortionist. haung renjun, a fellow trapeze artist and chenles partner. and then there was park jisung.
jisung was park jiwons son. he did motorcycle stunts, specifically barge-to-barge jumps and the globe of death. chenle hated jisung. he saw him as a spoiled, cocky boy who cared only about his reputation.
he wasn't really the type of guy to belong in the circus, but he never said a word about it to the showman, after all, he was his son. chenle hated the guy. seriously, he did.
"you know it's not his fault, right?" renjun calls from across the room as he unties the rope. the loud thud of the wooden plank hitting the floor makes chenle wince.
"kind of is. he clearly doesn't want to be in the circus, so he could do us all a favor and just leave," chenle fires back, grabbing the rope renjun tosses him to test it. "hey, can you tighten this?"
"he kind of can't, chenle. his dad's the showman," renjun replies, giving the rope a good tug until it's perfect. "what a nightmare," chenle grumbles, looping the rope around his hand and pulling himself up toward the ceiling.
"dramatic much?" renjun laughs, watching chenle wrap the rope around his waist. then with a quick tug of another rope, chenle drops, but catches himself just in time. "jisung's a good performer, and honestly, he doesn't cause trouble for anyone here," renjun says, detaching the rope from chenle and hooking a metal hoop to the bottom.
chenle groans and stalks over for the other rope. "he causes problems for me." he complains. "not liking him isn't a problem, dude." renjun counters. "pull me up," renjun commands. chenle hauls the rope tight and secures it so renjun won't fall.
"it is when i have to see his stupid face every day. he messes up my performances." chenle stands right under renjun, who's hanging by his knees from the hoop. their eyes lock. "oh yeah? why?" chenle jumps up, grabbing renjuns hands and swinging for momentum.
"does jisung make you lose focus? make your heart skip a beat?" renjun teases, tossing chenle onto the hoop to sit at the top. "you're the one making me lose focus with that nonsense," chenle shoots back.
renjun rolls his eyes, dangling upside down. "hurry up or i'm passing out." chenle leans back and drops. he catches renjuns hands on the way down. renjun swings him forward, chenle twists midair, grabs renjun again, then swings back up to the hoop.
"i'm just tired of his stupid face," chenle huffs. renjun swings up next to him, grinning. "that was awesome." chenle rolls his eyes but can't hide a small smile.
"help me down," chenle says. he falls back, knees hooked on the hoop. renjun grabs his hands, loops his knees on the hoop, then gently pulls him down. chenle lands.
chenle unties the rope, lowering renjun slowly. "seriously, get over your little jisung thing. we've got that stunt with him coming up, and i don't want drama messing with it," renjun warns, unhooking the hoop.
"yeah, yeah, i know. it's gonna be fine," chenle says with a grin.
the stunt renjun was talking about was new, something they hadn't done before. chenle and renjun would be on opposite trapezes, swinging across the room to swap trapezes, something they'd done a million times. but this time, jisung was going to perform a barge-to-barge jump right in the middle of it.
if anything went wrong, they could all be seriously injured. or worse. this wasn't a stunt for petty hatred or grudges to get in the way.
that stunt was the root of chenles recent jisung rants, including today's during practice. it meant being around jisung more, working with him, choreographing every detail. chenle wasn't even sure jisungs pea-sized brain could pull it off.
renjun glanced back out the door behind chenle, smirking. he tossed the rope he'd been holding toward chenle and started walking away. "see ya," he said casually. chenle groaned loudly.
"where are you going? we haven't finished practicing!" chenle called, swinging himself around with the rope. but when he turned back to face renjun, his partner had already passed the last person chenle wanted to see, jisung, and was heading out the door, shutting it behind him.
"missed me?" jisungs voice echoes across the room, and chenle rolls his eyes, pulling the rope down to let himself be lifted away. "come on, chenle." jisung tugs the rope back down, just like renjun did earlier.
except jisung has no clue what he's doing, and chenle crashes to the floor with a loud thud, whining as his ass protests. "don't touch my equipment," chenle snaps, glaring. "you'll survive," jisung coos like he's comforting a baby.
"why're you here?" chenle mutters, glaring daggers. jisung shrugs like he's king of the circus. "wanted to see what i'll be 'working' with," he smirks. chenle snorts. "you mean the trapeze, or my patience?"
jisung scoffs, throwing up his hands. "whatever, princess. i won't steal your precious spotlight."
"you'd need a spotlight just to highlight that ego," chenle fires back. jisung grins, unfazed. "oh, and dad says dinner's ready. thought you might wanna show up before i eat all the good stuff."
chenle, who lives here with the circus crew, sighs. "okay, give me a minute." jisung starts toward the door, then tosses a parting shot: "nice shorts, by the way."
chenle drops the rope, whirls around to yell- but the door slams shut before he can. the wood crashes down again, and chenle screams in frustration.
glancing down, his face burns, he's stuck in his old practice shorts. tight, short, and definitely not made for showing off. "freak," he mutters, irony dripping from the word.
jisung isn't at dinner, and for the first time all day, chenle feels like he can finally breathe.
he sighs in relief as he walks into his bedroom, stretching his arms high above his head. but then, slam. the door shuts hard behind him, and he jumps. spinning around, he finds jisung standing there with that familiar, infuriating smirk.
"get out of my room," chenle says, pouting as he points to the door. all he wants is to get into his pajamas and curl up in bed. but of course, park jisung just has to ruin it. "we should talk," jisung says casually.
chenle groans and flops backward onto the bed. "i'd rather not." jisung laughs from across the room. "look, i know you don't like me, but we have to work together soon." chenle rolls over onto his stomach so he doesn't have to look at him. "i'm aware."
"our first training session is tomorrow," jisung adds. and then, suddenly, a hand slips under chenles stomach and lifts him off the bed. he catches himself before stumbling into jisung, groaning as he shakes him off and walks over to his dresser. "so?"
"so, you're going to be nice to me. for renjuns sake. and my dads," jisung says. chenle nods as he pulls out his pajama top. "you didn't have to break into my room to say that. i'm not an idiot, park."
he turns away, yanks off his compression shirt, and throws the oversized pajama top over his head. bedtime routine: uninterrupted. he hears jisung clear his throat behind him. chenle smirks.
"you know," chenle says, "i've always wondered why you choose to stay here." chenle shrugs, rolling his shoulders as he sits on the edge of his bed.
"what do you mean?" jisung asks, leaning against the doorframe. "you clearly don't care about the circus. so why stay?" the look of confusion on jisungs face almost makes chenle laugh.
"what makes you think that? this is my home," jisung says. "i know," chenle replies, lying back again. "if you hate me that much, why don't you leave?" jisung fires back, pushing the game right back at him.
"oh, yeah, great idea. and then what, end up on the streets? i've got nowhere else to go, asshole."
"my bad. forgot you ran away from home. no one loved you there, so you joined the freak show?" jisung mocks, tone just sharp enough to hit where it hurts, chenle snaps. he shoots up, storms across the room, throws the door open.
"go fuck yourself," he spits before marching out.
rage pulses through him, tightening in his chest. he wants to scream. he wants to hit something. but instead, he heads for the only thing that won't talk back, won't push him, won't make him feel like this.
trapeze.
chenle bursts into the practice room, heading straight for the rig. he releases the rope, the bang of the wood hitting the floor barely registering this time. his body moves on autopilot, grabbing another rope, connecting it, tying the swing in place.
then, he sets up a second swing. if he's going to get this out of his system, he's going big.
he threads an aerial silk rope through the first swings rigging, pulls it up to the ceiling, and secures the knots tight. finally, when everything is set, he exhales, like his chest hasn't worked properly all day until now.
he heads to the corner, connects his bluetooth to the speaker. first song that comes to mind? "freak" by little mix. he presses play.
the beat pulses through the room and through him. chenle begins to sway, shoulders, hips, neck, his body remembering what it's meant to do. every ache from earlier softens into rhythm.
his hands trail down his sides, smoothing over his thighs before he grabs the aerial silk. he loops it effortlessly around his ankle and wrist, pulling himself up in a single, practiced motion.
he catches the swing with one hand, pushing the silk out of the way with the other. a few swings forward and back to gain momentum, the music rising-
"you better run, oh..."
he lets go, flips mid-air, grabs the second swing. the wind rushes past his ears as he flips back toward the first. his body is heat and precision, landing perfectly on the swing, pulling himself up to stand.
he sways on the swing, legs wide for balance. "no, i can't be tamed, make you scream my name," he sings under his breath, a smirk playing at his lips. with a flick of his foot, he pushes the aerial silk back into place.
"i ain't playing games no more..." then he drops. straight from standing, no hesitation. he catches the silk with a practiced twist of his body, the fabric wrapping tight around his waist as he plummets-
stopping inches from the floor, his chest rises and falls. the burn in his arms, the slight shake in his thighs, it makes him feel alive. he breathes in deep. the anger, the tension- it's gone. the routine burned it out.
he keeps moving, spinning and flipping through the silk, letting the music guide him. what he doesn't see, can't see, is jisung leaning in the doorway, arms crossed, lips curled into a smirk.
he's been watching the whole time.
"alright, kids. hope you all had a good rest last night, because today is your first practice day!"
park jiwon's voice booms through the tent, cheerful and commanding. chenle scowls. he did not, in fact, have a good rest. not with a certain raven-haired nightmare starring in every bitter thought all night long.
he stifles a yawn.
"now, i know you've all perfected your stunts," jiwon continues, pacing in front of the three boys. "boys, you've done the swing swap a million times. and jisung, same with the barge jumps. you do it in your sleep, it's second nature by now."
they all nod, automatic. it's true, they could do it in their sleep.
"but what we want to succeed today? none of us have ever pulled it off. it's terrifying. it's chaotic. and if you're even half a second off, it could go very wrong." he pauses, looks at them.
"but don't let that discourage you. we wouldn't be the best in south korea if we weren't the best."
chenle huffs a small laugh, glancing down. it's cheesy. but it does make something flicker warm in his chest. renjun bumps him gently with his shoulder.
"what we aim for is timing," jiwon says, sharper now. "perfect, perfect timing." chenle nods. timing is everything. it's the heartbeat of the circus, the pulse that keeps the illusion alive. screw up timing, and the magic dies.
"during this act, the other stunts will be happening simultaneously. jaemin will be tightroping below the three of you. jeno and mark will be doing fire. other elements will cue in later." the three of them nod again, silent now. focus starting to settle in.
"this," jiwon says, pulling down a massive fold-out diagram, "is how we want it to look." he taps the page. lines, circles, names, and arrows fan out in organized chaos.
"it starts with chenle and renjun swinging. i'll be on center stage, mid-speech. and right when i say: 'this is the greatest show,' the two of you will release." he looks up at them, eyes hard.
"you will let go at that exact line. in mid-air, a split second after passing each other, jisung will come through, on the bike. jaemin will be centered beneath you, walking the rope. and as jisung passes, mark and jeno will blow fire. got it?"
chenle exhales sharply, heart crawling up into his throat.
no pressure.
jisung's got that stupid smirk on his face like this'll be a walk in the park. "so what're we looking at today?" renjun asks, already bouncing on his heels. "today, we're going to attempt timing. individually," jiwon explains.
"we'll start off with you two on the trapeze, and we'll time when it's perfect for jisung to come through." renjun and chenle nod. simple enough in theory, terrifying in practice.
"that works for me," jisung says casually, already glancing toward the bleachers. "eunji's coming soon, so you guys can start. call me when you need me." chenle bites down an eye roll so hard it almost gives him a headache.
"i need you engaged, park jisung," jiwon says, visibly holding onto patience by the threads. "i am engaged," jisung replies, shrugging. "but if you're busy with them first, i'll go do my other drills." jiwon drags a hand down his face.
"alright. let's go, boys."
chenle and renjun stand, heading toward the practice rig. and, right on cue, eunji appears from under the bleachers. "hey," she smiles sweetly, all practiced grace and glossy confidence.
eunji: jisungs model for the globe of death. she stands dead center in the ring like a glittering trophy while jisung circles her at top speed on his bike. her job is to look pretty, jisungs job is to pretend she's not replaceable.
chenle hates her. not in the dramatic, jealous way- just in the ugh, her way. he thinks she's cocky, attention-hungry, and way too proud of being a glorified prop. basically jisungs twin soul. perfect match, really. if chenle cared even a little.
he scoffs under his breath, shoulders squaring as he shoves past jisung without sparing either of them a glance, following renjun toward the rig. behind him, he hears laughter.
"still hates you?" eunji teases.
chenle presses his fingers to his ears like a kid, blocking out the sound. he refuses to let them take up space in his head, not when he needs it clear, focused. not when he's about to be suspended mid-air, aiming to fly past death by inches.
renjun and chenle work together to set up the swings, the climbing platforms already in place so they can access them just like they would during the real show. up on the platform, chenle bounces lightly on his feet, trying to shake the nerves from his legs. he exhales slowly.
this isn't new. this is their daily bread. it's not scary. not really.
but his thoughts keep circling the final version of the stunt- the one that hasn't happened yet, the one with jisung in the middle. that part is scary. maybe it wouldn't be if it were anyone else, but it's not, and chenle has to live with that.
the swings they're using are wider than usual, custom-built to allow them to fly past each other and catch the bar on the opposite side without issue. he lathers his palms in chalk, eyes flicking to the net stretched below them- jiwon's idea. smart, even if a pain to set up. they should use it more often, really.
"we've got the measurements already, now it's just timing," jiwon calls out. chenle and renjun nod. "i go left, you go right?" chenle shouts to renjun across the room. "as always," renjun grins back. "count us down!"
"three, two, one."
on one, both boys leap from the platforms onto their swings. they know exactly how much momentum to build, exactly when to let go, exactly where to meet. they land clean on the opposite platforms. chenle exhales through his teeth.
"timer reads nine seconds," jiwon announces. "do it again. same time." they nod, resetting. "is that the time frame for when jisung comes through us?" chenle calls down. "exactly."
chenle swallows. if they can't hit nine seconds reliably, they'll be practicing this for weeks. with him. "three, two, one." they go again. chenle breathes hard when he hits the platform- off by just enough to feel it.
"eleven seconds. what changed?" jiwon asks. chenle runs it back in his head. the jump, one second. six swings, six seconds. the landing- should've happened by ten. something was off.
"maybe we judged the distance differently?" renjun offers, makes sense. if they waited even a half second longer to release, they'd be in the air longer. "could be. again?"they nod.
"three, two, one."
this one feels cleaner. smoother. "better. much better. nine point five," jiwon calls up. chenle groans. close. but close isn't good enough. not when someone's flying through them on a motorbike.
"you okay?" renjun asks, eyeing him from across the room. chenle nods, he needs to clear his head. "one more, then a breather?" renjun suggests. "yeah." chenle reapplies the chalk to his hands, rubs them together, then steps back into place.
"three, two, one."
this time, chenle almost misses his catch. almost. but he recovers in time, hands finding the bar just as the swing tips forward. "nine point five again! look at that!" jiwon cheers from the floor.
chenle smiles despite himself. not perfect, but better. and even with the fumble, they stayed on time. renjun catches his eye and grins at him from across the way.
"let's get down," renjun says, grabbing the swing bar and dropping into the net. he lets himself bounce, laughing as the net launches him back up a little. chenle watches him, shaking his head in disbelief, admiration, and maybe just a little envy, at how easily renjun makes it all look.
their training session runs longer than expected. by the time they wrap, the sun's dipped low and the friday buzz is already in the air. jisung's session gets pushed to monday—perfect for him. not that he looks disappointed.
sweaty and sore, chenle walks out of the training room and into the main ring, where the globe of death looms like some gleaming monster. jisungs bike rumbles to a stop just as eunji steps out of center, bowing with a flourish and blowing her signature kiss to the empty seats.
"boo!" chenle calls out, wiping his hands on a rag, voice echoing through the dome. renjun slaps his arm, not hard, but definitely a stop it gesture. eunji's head snaps toward them, her face thunderous as she flicks her long black hair over one shoulder. "are you booing me?"
chenle shrugs, innocent. "i'm booing your boyfriend." not a lie. if he could, he'd boo their entire performance. "you think it's easy?" she snaps, storming toward him. "i risk my life every time i step in that cage."
chenle scoffs. "so do i. only difference is, i actually do something while i'm up there. you just stand around and pose." eunji's eyes narrow to slits. "you wanna talk skill? let's see you on the bars. see if there's anything more to you than a pretty little face."
she steps in like she might slap him, but before she can go full drama queen- "get in the cage then, chenle."
jisungs voice slides in from behind, low and lazy, with that goddamn smirk stretched across his face. he's still sitting on the bike, helmet off, sweat in his hair. chenle blinks. "what?"
"you heard me." jisung climbs off the bike, still grinning. "if it's so easy, get in the cage."
"chenle, don't," renjun whispers, eyes wide. which only makes chenle straighten taller. "watch me." he tosses the rag aside and shoves past eunji toward the globe. "don't chicken out!" she hollers after him, like he's ever been the type.
jisung follows him in, casual as ever, dragging the bike along. "put your feet right here," he says, motioning to a marked spot. "and don't move."
"no shit," chenle mutters, planting his feet. jisung steps in close, brushing a piece of hair out of chenles face with the most obnoxious gentleness. "and make sure to look pretty." chenle genuinely considers punching him.
jisung chuckles, makes chenle hold the bike steady as he swings the gate shut with a metallic clang. this is actually happening. somewhere in the back of his mind, chenle wonders how the hell he got himself into this.
but then again, it's the circus. nothing here is ever normal.
"you ready?" jisung asks as he swings a leg over his bike and kicks it to life. "born ready," chenle says without missing a beat. jisung pulls on his helmet. "better be."
the engine growls louder, rattling in chenles chest. jisung revs it a few times, building momentum like a predator circling. then, with a roar and blur of motion, he shoots upward, suddenly over chenles head, looping around and skimming so close past him that chenle's shirt flutters and his heart nearly leaps out of his throat.
he doesn't flinch, not visibly at least, but it takes everything in him not to. the sound alone is deafening, and the rush of wind brushes right up his spine.
okay. maybe it's impressive.
the bike climbs the wall of the cage, wheels tracing the iron curve like it's nothing. jisung rides sideways, his body tilted smooth and easy like he was born to do it. chenle can't see his expression, but he knows that smug face is under that helmet. he knows it.
and then- he's touched.
a hand presses gently against chenles back, then slides around his waist like it belongs there. chenles arms lift instinctively, a reaction more than a choice, and for one dizzy second he's just standing there, trapped in the center of a roaring globe of death, with park jisungs hand at his waist like some kind of possessive threat.
but it doesn't feel like a threat. it feels... electric. warm. too much. his stomach twists, his skin burns.
but then it's gone. the hand disappears. the engine winds down. jisung glides to a stop beside him and cuts the ignition like it's nothing. like chenle didn't just have a full-body existential crisis in the last thirty seconds.
"i'm going to fucking kill you," chenle mutters under his breath. jisung pulls off his helmet, hair damp and wild, grinning. "you asked for it." he swings off the bike and saunters over to unlock the cage, like the smug bastard he is.
"you can pull that shit with your little girlfriend," chenle snaps, "but not with me." jisung pauses, glancing over his shoulder. "first of all, eunji's not my girlfriend."
he flicks the lock open.
"and second," he adds without turning around, "if you really didn't like it... why'd you raise your arms for me?" chenle opens his mouth, closes it. no words come out. he hates that more than anything.
chenle huffs and shoulders past jisung, brushing him hard as he storms out of the cage. the look on eunjis face as he passes her, somewhere between scandalized and furious, is almost worth it.
almost.
"that little stunt you two just pulled was not funny." the voice drops like a curtain, they all freeze. chenle turns to see jiwon materialize from the shadows like the worlds most disappointed ghost. curse magicians and their habit of popping up out of nowhere, chenle thinks bitterly.
"i don't know what that was supposed to be," jiwon says, his tone sharp as a whip, "but you both should know this industry isn't a damn playground." renjun sighs and runs both hands through his hair.
"chenle doesn't know shit about that stunt," he says before chenle can open his mouth. "and you, jisung, should've known better."
"he started it!" jisung blurts immediately, pointing at chenle like a five-year-old tattling to his mom. chenle snorts. "i don't care who started it," jiwon snaps, turning cold eyes between the two of them. "if you want to pull things like that, then you practice. understood?"
"yes, sir," they mutter at the same time, both sulking. out of the corner of his eye, chenle catches eunji sticking her tongue out at him. jisung laughs. freaks. he hopes they crash into each other someday.
"come on," renjun mutters, grabbing chenle by the wrist and tugging him toward the bedroom halls. "before you get arrested for murder."
"those assholes," chenle grumbles once they're alone. "god, i'm going to end them." he rips the tape off his wrists so fast it burns, then chucks it across the room. renjun sits calmly on the edge of chenles bed. "don't throw your career away just because jisung's hot and stupid."
"seriously! did you see what he did?" chenle shouts, pacing the room. "the hand thing? around my waist? like i'm some little, i don't know, prop!"
"he does that to eunji too. it's part of the routine," renjun reminds, ever the voice of reason. "i don't care. it's different."
"how?" renjun deadpans. "eunji's not his girlfriend. and neither are you."
"thank god for that," chenle scoffs, tossing a shirt at the wall. "the last thing i need is to end up with a freak who rides motorcycles in circles like it's a mating dance." renjun snorts. "all's fair in love and war, chenle."
renjun stands, patting chenles head like a dog that's just barked too loud. "go shower. jaemin and donghyuck'll be over soon, and you smell like regret and engine grease." chenle throws his head back with a dramatic groan. "just let me die."
renjun just laughs and slips out the door.
in the shower, chenle scrubs his waist so hard it's pink by the time he's done, like he can erase the imprint of jisungs hand from his skin. but no matter how hot the water gets, the butterflies don't rinse off.
friday nights were for the boys.
the ones who lived on-site, who worked the shows and trained until they couldn't feel their arms. they'd order greasy food, sneak in shitty vodka, and crowd into someones room to complain about their lives and laugh until their stomachs hurt. tonight, chenles room was the chosen sanctuary.
jaemin shows up first, vodka bottle tucked under his hoodie like it's contraband. then donghyuck and renjun arrive with two pizzas and an open bag of gummy worms.
"when you starting practice?" renjun asks, plopping onto the floor and crossing his legs. he starts flipping through the rack of chenle's show costumes like he's shopping. "some time next week," jaemin says, shrugging. he's curled up against chenle's headboard with his head on donghyuck's shoulder. "haven't gotten the official date yet."
"you get it so easy," chenle groans from where he's sprawled at the foot of the bed, laying on his stomach with his feet kicking behind him. "i'm jealous." they all laugh. "donghyuck's got it easier. he's not even involved," jaemin points out, nudging him.
"and i'm grateful," donghyuck says, grinning. "i like watching the chaos, not being in it." they groan collectively.
they all loved the circus- loved the noise, the adrenaline, the found-family chaos of it all. it was the only place any of them had felt truly welcome. still, that didn't mean they couldn't bitch about it now and then.
chenle was the newest, though he didn't feel like it anymore. three years in, and he'd already worked his way into the mess of their lives like a second skin. he belonged here, they all did.
"oh yeah, chenle," jaemin says suddenly, "speaking of chaos... what happened today? i heard you got scolded by the showman himself." renjun snorts. "news travels fast."
"park jisung," chenle says flatly, rolling onto his back like the name alone drains him. "he was being a dick and made me get in the globe." the looks on jaemin and donghyucks faces are priceless.
"he didn't make you," renjun says, grinning. "you practically threw yourself in there." before chenle can bite back, the room erupts with laughter. "why would you do that?" donghyuck asks through giggles, already reaching for the vodka.
"to prove he was better than min eunji," renjun supplies. "and i was!" chenle defends, pouting dramatically. "sure, sure," jaemin says, raising his hands. "you risked death... for pride."
"that's the most chenle shit i've ever heard," donghyuck adds. "you're lucky you're pretty," renjun says, tossing a costume jacket over his head. "and flexible," jaemin mutters, smirking.
chenle flips them all off at once, but he's smiling anyway.
a knock sounds at chenle's door, and chaos immediately erupts. the boys scramble to hide the vodka, jaemin stuffing it under the bed, donghyuck half-heartedly tossing a hoodie over the pizza box.
before anyone can even ask who it is, the door flings open.
"hey ladies, having a party without us?" lee jeno grins as he walks in like he owns the place, flanked by mark lee and, of course, park jisung. "speak of the devil," renjun mutters under his breath. chenle leans over to smack his arm.
"i don't remember inviting any of you," chenle says, sitting up with an exaggerated glare. the newcomers just laugh. "come on, lele," mark says, sliding in like he's done it a hundred times before. "don't be like that."
"fine, but the dog stays by the door," chenle mutters, eyes flicking to jisung. "come on. i know i'm your favorite," jisung smirks, stepping fully inside and closing the door behind him anyway.
as if on cue, jeno walks straight over to jaemin and, like some showoff in a superhero movie, lifts him clean off the bed with one arm. he sits down and deposits jaemin onto his lap like he's a prized plush toy. jaemin giggles, snuggling into his boyfriend like they do this every other night.
it should be disgusting, chenle's this close to gagging. "yuck," he says instead. jaemin just giggles harder.
"have you guys been drinking?" jisung asks casually as he flops down next to chenle on the bed. chenle immediately contemplates shoving him off. "no," chenle lies. "yes," donghyuck answers at the exact same time, and pulls the bottle out like it's a party trick.
jisung scoffs. "great," chenle says, flopping back with a groan. "now he's gonna go tell his daddy."
"i couldn't care less," jisung says, grabbing the bottle and taking a swig like it's water. "was eunji mad after getting shown up?" chenle needles, kicking his feet back and forth like he's not trying to get a reaction.
"not sure what you think you proved," jisung shoots back, "but she's fine, thanks." chenle groans and rolls dramatically off the bed, landing on the floor beside renjun and mark like his soul just left his body. he regrets this entire night.
later, once the room's dimmed into warm laziness, voices lower and limbs tangled in every available space, renjun perks up. "let's play a game!"
"what game?" jaemin asks, voice muffled from where his face is buried in jenos hoodie. renjun thinks for a moment, eyes flicking around the room like he's plotting something. "never have i ever?"
the boys agree in a chorus of shrugs and lazy yeahs. chenle thinks it's a dumb game. juvenile. boring. but he grabs the bottle anyway.
the rules are simple- put a finger down if you've done it. don't want to answer? take a shot. easy.
"never have i ever..." mark starts, grinning. "thought someone in the crowd was cute?" chenle rolls his eyes. boring. everyone puts a finger down.
"never have i ever lied to the showman about practicing and actually went out instead?" jaemin follows, and chenle stifles a giggle remembering that one. he and renjun put a finger down, jisung does too. lame.
now it's renjuns turn, and chenle isn't sure if he's ready for whatever's coming. renjun smirks. "had sexual thoughts about someone in the circus?" chenle watches jaemin and jeno put their fingers down like it's no big deal, typical. mark downs a shot and laughs, then jisung slowly puts a finger down too.
chenle suddenly feels sick. he assumes it's eunji jisung was thinking about, and he abruptly stands, backing away. "okay, that's enough. you three can leave now." chenle points sharply toward the newcomers, completely baffled by his own outburst.
"what? we were having fun," jeno says, frowning. chenle shrugs. "i'm tired, and this game is boring." groans fill the room. chenles attitude and outbursts are nothing new to them.
jisungs voice cuts through, casual and sly: "jealous, chenle?" chenle looks down, disgust plastered across his face. "jealous of what?" jisung just shrugs with that smug, 'i know something you don't' look.
jeno and mark exchange a glance, barely holding back laughter. chenles irritation spikes, he wants these three out of his room, now. jeno leans over to plant a quick kiss on jaemins forehead before standing. he and mark exit, leaving jisung alone.
jisung stands, and his hand casually settles on chenles waist, right above his ass. "i was actually thinking about you in those little shorts you're wearing," jisung whispers, smirking like it's their own little secret.
chenle screams internally.
"get out! now!" he yells, swatting jisungs hand away. jisung lingers for a heartbeat, then finally backs off and disappears behind the closed door with the others.
"what the fuck?" donghyuck bursts out laughing. "you're so red, oh my god," jaemin snickers. "what did he say?" renjun asks, curious. chenle shakes his head, running his hands through his hair like he's unraveling.
"nothing. it's nothing," he mutters, diving under the covers. one day he will kill jisung. honestly, he will.
later into the night, jisungs words echo in chenles mind, spinning like a broken record. he's taken back to that moment, the shy sixteen-year-old standing stiffly before a sweaty, buzzing crowd of performers after his first show.
"this is zhong chenle, he's the newest member of our team. show him some love," park jiwon had announced. chenle remembers the warm smiles, the hands shaking his, the genuine welcome. everyone seemed so passionate, so kind, so free, exactly what chenle had dreamed of.
then he remembers him- a boy, maybe a year older, stepping out from around a corner. helmet dangling from his hand, clad in biker gear, dirt smudged across his face, fingers running through damp black hair.
"what's with all the commotion?" jisung asked. "this is zhong chenle, chenle, this is my son, park jisung. the shows best biker and stuntman," jiwon introduced. chenle remembers jisung locking eyes on him, that smug, taunting grin already there.
"ah, a newbie," jisung said, raising a gloved hand. chenle took it, feeling something twist in his stomach. "welcome to the freak show," jisung sneered.
and from that moment, chenle hated him. hated the attitude, the messy perfect hair, the grip of that handshake, the look in his eyes. he hated park jisung.
if you really didn't like it, then why'd you raise your arms for me?
chenle tosses over, face into his pillow, letting out a silent scream of frustration. he tries to shove the thoughts away, to fall asleep, but the question lingers, sharp and mocking in his mind.
monday comes faster than chenle expects. it's jisungs turn to get timed. chenle and renjun don't have to be there, but they show up anyway, confident in their own practice, curious to watch. jaemin's there too.
jisungs trainer, baekji, speaks through a headset, sharp and clear. chenle watches jiwon jot notes on a clipboard, eyes narrowed. outside the tent, the bike's engine rumbles to life.
"okay, jisung. on three, you go. simple jump. understood?" baekjis voice cuts through the air. the bike revs, climbs the ramp, sails overhead, lands smooth on the other side. chenles jaw tightens. it's flawless. no wonder the crowd loses their minds.
"seven seconds, okay..." jiwon mutters, scribbling down numbers, words chenle can't read. jaemin leans in. "think it's gonna work?" chenle shrugs. "i hope so."
jisung tries again, seven seconds, dead on. chenles chest tightens, frustration twisting like a knot. how does jisung nail it so fast, when he and renjun battled for days just to hit their own mark? their swings hover around nine, nine and a half seconds, close, but never perfect.
jisung goes again. eight seconds this time. chenle smirks, tasting victory. "lost balance at the start," jisung says, voice steady in his headset. they give him one last shot.
seven seconds. again. "shit," renjun breathes. "he's too good." chenle exhales slow, the knot still there but loosening. jisung cuts the engine, steps inside the tent. "how are we looking?"
jiwon nods. "good. you're killing it. we'll run this almost every day till the show before you start working with the others. timing's everything, seven seconds is what we need."
jisung nods, eyes sharp. chenle watches. respect coils tight around irritation, and something else, tension. the stunt's coming, closer, bigger, more dangerous. and it's not just about timing anymore.
"i need to get this right, renjun," chenle says as they walk toward their practice room, the drone of jisung's dirt bike fading behind them. "my head's been a mess lately."
renjun falls into step beside him, voice steady. "don't blame yourself. we're in this together, okay?" chenle frowns, frustrated. "i know, but it'd all be going fine if i wasn't like this."
"chenle," renjun says softly, "it's okay to feel off. with this stunt coming up, big, dangerous, and everything else changing, it's normal. jisung's been in this world longer; no wonder he's ahead."
"don't let it get to you because of him," renjun adds, eyes sincere. chenle nods, but he doesn't fully grasp what renjun means by everything else changing. he doesn't ask, not yet. he just wants his mind to stop spinning.
"ladies and gentlemen, this is the greatest show!" jiwon's voice booms through the tent, and the crowd roars back.
it's tuesday, show day, and chenle's backstage, hands steadying his breath as jeno and mark take the spotlight with their sword swallowing act. jiwons familiar introduction cuts through the noise.
chenle catches his reflection in the mirror, smoothing down his hair. renjun's just behind him, the excitement barely contained. "you excited?" chenle asks without turning. "always," renjun grins, eyes shining in the dim light.
other trapeze artists buzz nearby; han iseul, petite and kind, and cho yunhee, part of their four-person routine. the usual flips and catches, the choreography etched into muscle memory.
a sharp voice cuts through the backstage chatter. "good luck, hope you fall." min eunji, all sharp edges and icy glare, stands in her grid girl costume- white shorts, knee-high heels, and that race-flag shirt tied tight under her chest.
chenle scoffs, "hope jisung runs you over." he scowls back, but she doesn't flinch at his words. renjun leans on the wooden desk beside chenle. "not gonna jinx it," he says softly. chenle smiles at the quiet kindness, wishing he could be more like him.
from under the bleachers, chenle watches donghyuck twist into impossible shapes, both sickening and mesmerizing. the clowns take the stage next, their silly antics sparking laughter from the kids. then jiwons voice rises, "the brave, courageous tight walker, na jaemin!" and chenle knows it's time.
he jogs back to renjun, iseul, and yunhee. "you ready?" he asks, stretching his legs for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. "yup," they say in unison. chenle scans the setup one last time- everything's perfect.
"that was na jaemin, thank you very much!" jiwons voice fades as chenle and his group prepare to step out, clad in classic leotards and unitards. most guys wear long pants, but chenle and renjun stick to shorts, more freedom, more edge.
the lights hit. it's showtime.
"now, the beautiful, showstopping flying trapeze!" jiwon shouts, and the audience erupts.
from stage left, iseul and chenle glide out on their tiptoes, arms raised gracefully. from the right, renjun and yunhee mirror them. it's part of the act, to look like ballerinas before launching into the air.
"zhong chenle!" jiwon calls, and chenle bows with a bright smile.
"han iseul!" she poses and waves, soaking in the applause.
"cho yunhee!" yunhee flexes, showing off her strength.
"haung renjun!" renjun copies chenle's bow, earning cheers.
the crowd roars as they climb the ladders to the platforms.
iseul steps onto a swing, swaying back and forth, gaining momentum with a wide grin that makes chenle smile. on the other side, renjun leaps onto his swing, catching the bar mid-air. iseul drops to hang by her knees. renjun swings forward, flips, and catches iseuls hands as she swings toward him.
the original swing rocks gently. they swing back, and renjun lets go, flipping to grab the lone swing before leaping back onto his platform where yunhee catches him. he bows, yunhee presenting him with her hands.
yunhee repeats the trick, swinging but landing on chenles platform. iseul jumps to the other bar, then to renjuns platform.
the two boys leap for the swings and perform their signature swing-swap: swinging past each other to grab the other's bar. then, instead of climbing back to the platforms, they drop into the net below. the audience gasps, surprised, and chenle bites back a giggle.
a rope with a hoop descends from the ceiling. renjun jumps into the hoop as it lifts, waving to the crowd before dropping to hang by his knees, hands reaching for chenle.
chenle leaps, grabs renjun's hands as the hoop rises back to swing level. halfway up, chenle loosens one hand, pretending to slip- totally unplanned. renjun rolls his eyes, unfazed.
renjun swings chenle higher, then launches him to sit atop the hoop. chenle stands tall, posing for the audience before falling back into renjun's hands. renjun swings him toward yunhee, who catches him and helps him onto the platform.
renjun then settles into the hoop as iseul swings toward him, grabbing his hands and pulling him to the opposite platform. once back, they bow to roaring applause.
yunhee stands on her swing, bows, then flips backward into the net. iseul follows with a front flip. both land, then chenle points nervously to the net, shaking his head to feign fear- drawing laughter.
renjun plays along, clinging to a nearby pole, shaking his head at the net, then dramatically "slips" and falls in. chenle gasps, rushing to "save" him, and the audience loves the playful moment.
linked hands, they bow together.
"that was the flying trapeze!" jiwon calls out, and the crowd cheers wildly. chenle smiles, he absolutely loves this.
backstage, chenle wipes the chalk from his hands as the group buzzes with laughter and praise. the girls tease about renjun and chenles playful fall, their laughter light and easy.
"is the globe of death next?" yunhee asks, peering out as the net is taken down and the maintenance crew rolls the globe center stage. "must be," renjun says. "are you girls sticking around to watch?"
iseul shrugs, but yunhee shakes her head. "i'm gonna grab some food before the show ends." renjun pouts, "that's a shame, thanks for coming out tonight."
soon, the crowd trickles back into the tent, fresh popcorn in hand, smiles lighting their faces. the globe stands in the center, gate open. "come watch with me," renjun tugs chenles hand. "in a minute," chenle replies, already heading toward the sinks to wash the chalk off his hands. renjun nods and darts under the bleachers to watch from the shadows.
chenle catches his reflection in the mirror, a glow in his eyes he knows and loves, but thinking of park jisung dulls it, even if just a little. it's stupid, really.
jiwon's voice booms, introducing the act just as chenle slips into renjuns hiding spot, stifling a giggle.
"this is the globe of death!" jiwon announces.
jisung rides in on his dirt bike, eunji holding tight behind him. he skids to a stop beside jiwon, pulling off his helmet. "welcome, the courageous daredevils park jisung and min eunji!"
the crowd cheers as they wave and blow kisses. chenle watches, unmoved, he thinks calling eunji a courageous daredevil is an overreacting. eunji steps off, jisung drives the bike into the cage and the gate clicks shut behind him.
instantly, jisung loops around the cage, hands lifting off the wheel to wave, chenle rolls his eyes. he swirls high, low, spinning with a grace that still impresses chenle, even if it annoys him.
physics is the only thing stopping the stunt from killing him, sadly.
jisung slows and stops. the cage door swings open with jiwons help, eunji steps inside and the gate shuts again. center stage, jisung revs the bike once more, circling her with skillful control. eunji dances inside the cage, grinning wide.
then jisung slides a hand from the steering bar to eunjis back, swirling it around her waist, just like he did to chenle. the crowd goes wild. chenle can't watch anymore.
he turns away, walking fast toward the backrooms, the cheers fading behind him. "chenle?!" renjun calls, but chenle doesn't stop. he races straight to his room.
he yanks his outfit off, tossing it to the floor without care. he needs a shower, to wash away the makeup, the tension, the stupid feelings twisting inside him.
he doesn't even know why he's so angry. renjun's right: it's what jisung and eunji do every show. it's nothing to get bitter over. still, chenle can't help it.
jisung's leaning against the doorframe of the trapeze practice room the next day, watching chenle fuss over some rigging. "where'd you run off to last night?" he asks, voice casual but teasing. chenle jumps like jisung just shouted "boo."
"none of your business," he snaps, eyes narrowing. "dad was pissed at you, you know. can't just disappear in the middle of the circus." jisung shrugs, like it's obvious. "yeah, yeah, i apologized," chenle says with a lazy shrug. he knows jisung's right. running off like that wasn't smart, he hasn't done it before either.
jisung steps inside, trailing chenle like a lost puppy. "what're you even doing?" he asks, peering around like he's about to get bored out of his mind. chenle tugs the rope hard, testing its tension. "can you not?" he says, flicking jisung off.
"i'm bored," jisung whines. chenle rolls his eyes so hard it's audible. "okay, go bother your girlfriend."
"don't have one. so, out of luck," jisung smirks back. chenle groans. seriously, since when have they ever hung out just 'cause they're bored? but then a sly idea lights up chenle's face.
"hey, i know something fun you can do," he says, fake enthusiasm dripping off his words. jisung perks up immediately. "what?" chenle grabs jisungs shoulders and pushes him back toward the hoop. "sit."
"in there?" jisung raises an eyebrow. "mhm." chenle smirks, barely containing a laugh at how easily jisung obeys. jisung looks ridiculous- all black clothes and skinny jeans, crammed into that hoop like it's a cage.
chenle backs away slowly, like he's done. then suddenly yanks the rope hard. jisung yells, shooting up toward the ceiling, clutching the hoop like his life depends on it.
but chenle just keeps pulling, tying the rope off when jisung's too high to jump down. "zhong chenle, get me down!" jisung shouts, gripping the hoop tighter. chenle doubles over laughing. "have fun!"
he blows a kiss, then darts out of the room, ignoring jisungs furious shouts and desperate pleas. he knows renjun will come by in ten minutes or so, jisung won't be stuck forever.
and plus, karma's a mean bitch.
fifteen minutes later, chenle's in the backroom, shoving laundry into the washing machine when jisung storms in, sweaty, wild-eyed, breathing heavy. "you little fucking bitch!" jisung snarls, and chenle freezes, heart pounding.
without warning, jisung grabs chenles shoulder, spins him hard, and shoves him bent over a short balancing beam. his hand clamps the back of chenles neck, holding him firm. chenles ass presses into jisungs groin.
"you think you're better than everyone, huh?" jisung growls, voice low and dangerous. "time someone set you straight." his hand slides down chenle's thigh, fingers sneaking under the shorts.
"yeah?" chenle huffs, defiance flashing in his eyes. "and how exactly are you gonna do that?" suddenly jisung yanks chenle by the hip, spins him back to face him. his gaze roams, sharp and cold, before he scoffs and turns away.
"i wouldn't waste my time on you," jisung spits, slamming the door behind him. chenle stays frozen, leaning on the beam, cheeks burning, breath ragged.
"what the fuck?" he whispers, stunned. the washing machine beeps loudly, reminder of normalcy. he slams the door shut, hits start, and exhales shakily as the cycle begins.
jisung skips dinner, thank god. renjun barely speaks to chenle either, cold silence thick between them. chenle worries jisung spilled everything to the showman, but jiwons greeting at dinner is warm, unfazed. renjun probably kept quiet too.
they're on dish duty. renjun slams plates into soapy water, furious but silent. "renjun..." chenle breaks the silence. renjun stops, exhales hard. "what?" his tone is sharp.
"don't be mad at me," chenle says, picking up a dish to dry. no reply. "i'm sorry." renjun looks at him, softening. "chenle," he says. chenle sets the dish down.
"i don't care about your fight with jisung. not my problem. but this stunt? it's everything to me." chenle nods, knowing exactly what he means. "i don't know what's going on between you two lately, but you need to find better ways to deal with your anger. without risking him... or us."
he whispers the last part, eyes fixed on the sink. "i know. it was stupid, i wasn't thinking. i'm sorry, renjunie." chenle never thought renjun would be upset with him, after everything. but with chenle vanishing yesterday and todays stunt... he gets it.
"jisung hasn't told jiwon, right?" renjun asks. chenle shrugs. "doesn't look like it. surprised me too."
"you're so dumb." renjun mutters, but chenle catches a small smile. "what?"
"you should've seen jisungs face when i walked in..." renjun says, voice low. "was it funny?" renjun snickers. "so funny." chenle laughs lightly, relief flooding in. they could never stay mad long.
"but seriously, don't do that again." chenle grins. "i won't."
chenle sighs as he finally slips into his room, the door clicking shut behind him like a promise of solitude. jisung's nowhere to be seen, probably slipped off somewhere, and honestly, chenle couldn't care less. the last few days loop relentlessly in his mind, pounding harder with every thought as he collapses onto his bed.
renjun was right. he needed to find another way to burn off this anger without setting everything on fire. but how? jisung was a damn ghost in every corner of his life, taunting, teasing, pushing, never giving him a moments peace.
jisung. jisung. jisung.
chenle groans, flips onto his side, grabs his pillow, and buries his face deep into it, wishing the noise in his head would finally shut the hell up.
the group of six stood clustered in the dim rehearsal space, the weight of what was coming tightening the air. jiwon's voice cut through the quiet, steady and clear. "you've all done an awesome job this week."
he paused, letting the words sink in before continuing. "we've moved past timing, now we're stepping into the next phase. no jumping straight into full runs yet, but it's time to start working on the actual performance."
chenle exchanged a glance with renjun, both of them already feeling the edge of nerves sharpen. this part was always the trickiest, making something complicated look effortless.
"we want it simple, but slick," jiwon said. "chenle, renjun, you two will stand in for the platforms, right here on the floor." he gestured to two small green crosses spaced perfectly apart. "jaemin, you're on the tightrope. start practicing your position." jaemin nodded, calm and focused.
"jeno and mark, you're up next. i'll put you in position so you know when to cue." jiwon looked over to jisung. "and jisung, you're on the bike. for now, just stand up with both hands raised when you hit center, present yourself like you own the place."
jisung nodded without hesitation, already shifting into his familiar confident mode. the faint growl of the dirt bike engine outside sent a shiver down chenles spine. he felt it, deep in his chest, the buzz of anticipation and danger.
"jisung," jiwons voice crackled through the headset, "baekji knows your cue. start when he tells you."
"okay," jisung replied.
jiwon turned back to chenle and renjun, voice low but sharp. "listen closely. the room will be dark. i'll be under a spotlight for my introduction. when i say 'where it's covered in all the coloured lights,' the lights come up. right as i say 'where the runways are running the night,' that's your cue, you two move."
"don't move before, don't move after," he warned, eyes locking with chenle and renjun. "understood?"
"yes," they answered together.
"stand still for now. when the lights come on, you both smile and put your hands out opposite each other, like you're presenting to the crowd. then, when you land on the other side, raise your arms and bow." chenle nodded, feeling the tension twist tighter. simple, but the timing had to be perfect.
jiwon turned to the others. "mark and jeno, when i say 'this is the greatest show,' on the word 'show' you blow fire." the two men grinned and gave a thumbs up.
"jaemin, when i say 'where the lost get found in the crown of the circus king,' on the word 'king' you start walking, reach the middle by the time i say 'this is the greatest show.' then present your hands like you're holding jisung up high."
everyone was in place now, the gear sorted, except chenle and renjun, who had nothing but their nerves and the weight of the moment.
the lights snap off.
a hush falls over the tent, broken only by the sharp click of the spotlight as it carves through the dark, landing on jiwon, who stands just left of center, sharp in his stance, chin lifted. chenle hadn't even realized the crew was already in position behind him, and now, under the sudden silence and light, his heart kicks against his ribs like it wants out.
"ladies and gents," jiwon begins, voice smooth, practiced, commanding. "this is the moment you've waited for." the music creeps in, low and pulsing like a heartbeat, and chenle forces his breath to match its rhythm.
"where the lost get found in the crown of the circus king," jiwon says, and jaemin begins his walk across the rope, smooth and balanced like he was born with a wire beneath his feet.
chenle tunes out everything else, the crowd that isn't here yet, the pressure creeping up his spine, and focuses on the next cue. "where it's coloured in all the coloured lights."
the lights blaze to life on the word where, and like clockwork, chenle and renjun throw their hands out wide, a picture-perfect mirror of each other. they're meant to be done now, just posing, but chenles pulse is still hammering, and the air feels charged like lightnings about to strike.
"this is the greatest show!"
jaemin hits the midpoint on the wire, foot hooking under the rope to ground himself. he lifts his arms in a slow, practiced gesture, and then the world explodes above them.
flames roar from either side, jeno and mark like fire gods conjuring from the shadows, and a bike soars above their heads. chenles gaze flies up, locking on jisung midair, backlit by fire and light and the sheer roar of presence.
it's surreal, thrilling, terrifying. watching him from below like this, chenle feels something tighten in his chest. he's never seen him like this, not this untouchable. jisung lands clean. jiwon bows.
and for a moment, no one moves. then-
"perfect! so perfect, guys!" jiwon claps, face breaking into a grin. chenle lets out the breath he didn't realize he was holding. "everything was timed exactly how i wanted it. great job."
everyone exhales in relief, like a string's been cut. "don't move," jiwon calls, already switching gears. "let's run it again, but this time, chenle and renjun, you're on the trapeze."
the practice wraps. it goes better than chenle expected, the timing almost unnervingly flawless. he and renjun are the last ones left, folding up the net in the main tent when footsteps echo across the tarp.
"chenle." he turns, jisungs voice. the first words he's spoken to him since yesterday. renjun raises a brow at him, subtle but knowing.
"yeah?" chenle replies, cautious, his hands still curled in netting. jisungs framed in the entrance, haloed by fading stage lights. "we need to talk."
chenle wants to say no. wants to say what now?, or i'm busy, or go talk to the girl who claps for you every time you blink. but renjun's still here, and he's watching, and chenle knows better.
he sighs. "okay." he glances at renjun, hesitant. "you alright to finish this?" renjun smiles, kind and a little amused. "yeah, go. i'll manage."
of course he will. chenle nods once, then turns to follow jisung out. his pulse kicks up again. not from the stunt this time, but this might be even more dangerous.
the air is stiff as chenle walks over. "come with me," jisung says, already turning toward the exit. the sun hits chenle hard when they step outside, too bright, too open. he squints, unused to the world beyond canvas. he doesn't like leaving the circus if he can help it.
jisung stops beside his motorbike and holds out a helmet. "what?" chenle asks, frowning. "let's go for a ride." chenle sighs gently, "can't we just talk here?" jisung shakes his head. "it's good to get out sometimes," jisung says. "you look like you need it."
chenle rolls his eyes but takes the helmet anyway. he watches jisung grab his own, then shrug off his leather jacket. "put this on," jisung says, holding it out.
chenle glances down at his thin grey compression shirt and sweats, then shrugs. "i'm fine."
jisung doesn't argue, just tosses the jacket at him and turns away.
chenle stares at it for a beat before slipping it on. it's too big, sleeves past his wrists, but it's warm. he pulls the helmet over his head, fumbling with the strap until jisung steps in and clicks it into place.
"i'm not a child," chenle mutters, jisung says nothing. he mounts the bike first, patting the narrow seat behind him. "hop on."
chenle hesitates. he doesn't want to be doing this, he'd rather be asleep. but he swings his leg over, gripping the edge of the seat like it might save him. the engine roars to life, louder than anything in the tent. then jisung reaches back, grabs chenles hands, and wraps them around his waist.
"hey-" but jisung takes off before he can finish.
chenle gasps, nearly yells, but clings tighter instead. wind screams past his ears. the city blurs by in a smear of color and motion, and for a few moments, he forgets everything. it's terrifying, it's exhilarating, he never wants to do it again.
they stop near a river, and chenle hops off the second the wheels stop. "i hated that," he says. jisung just laughs. chenle shoves the helmet at him. jisung tucks both under the seat and locks the bike. chenle keeps the jacket, it's cold by the water.
"follow me," jisung says. they walk to the edge of the platform, where it juts out into the river. chenle leans on the rail, breathes out. jisung joins him, eyes fixed on the water. silent.
chenle doesn't know if jisung's waiting for him to say something, but he won't. he didn't ask for this, he doesn't owe him anything.
and still... he doesn't move.
"do you have anything to say to me?" jisung finally asks. chenle knows what he wants, an apology. one he won't give. "nope," he says. jisung sighs, looks down at his feet. silence stretches between them.
"why are you such an asshole?" jisung asks, sudden and sharp. chenle turns, offended. if anyone's the asshole, it's jisung. "what?"
"i've always wondered why you hate me so much," jisung says. "ever since you got here, it's like you decided you hated me on sight." chenle picks at the skin around his thumb, avoiding eye contact. he doesn't answer, because he doesn't know how to.
"are you gonna say anything?" jisung presses. "i don't know what you're expecting to hear," chenle mutters. "an explanation? an apology?" jisung offers. "i'm still waiting for an apology from you," chenle snaps back.
jisung blinks. "for what?" chenle laughs in disbelief. "whatever the hell that was in the washroom." jisung looks away, jaw tense. "i'm sorry about that," he says, surprising chenle. "can we just forget it happened?"
chenle shrugs. "whatever." they go quiet again. the breeze off the water picks up and chenle shivers. "can we go home now?"
"not until you explain yourself," jisung says. "for fucks sake." chenle exhales, annoyed. "fine. i'm sorry. is that what you wanted to hear?" he bites, "was that so hard?" jisung replies. "you're so annoying."
jisung sighs again. "you should be thankful i didn't tell my dad." chenle nods. he is thankful, but he won't admit that out loud. "it's not even that serious," he mumbles. "it was to me. i could've fallen, chenle."
"yeah, but you didn't."
"i'm so sick of this," jisung says. "sick of what?" chenle asks, flat. "this back and forth. can't we just fix it? it's not just us, it's everyone around us too." chenle doesn't answer, he stares at the water.
he doesn't want to fix it, part of him likes the hate. likes how it burns, how it fills space. it's a distraction, it's something. "do whatever you want," he says, turning and walking off. jisung follows.
"so you'll be nice to me now?" chenle shrugs. "never said that." he approaches the bike. "take me home." jisung has a weird smile on his face. "invite me to movie night tomorrow," he says. "what?"
"jaemins thing. invite me, and i'll take you home." chenle gives him a suspicious look. "what do you even get out of that?" jisung shrugs, "bonding," he says simply. chenle groans and throws his head back. "fine. come if you want. i don't care."
"great," jisung grins. "see you there." he pulls out the helmet and tosses it to chenle, who barely catches it.
chenle runs barefoot through the dorm halls in pink silk pajamas, arms full of snacks, chips, popcorn, candy, chocolate, crinkling with every step. "knock, knock!" he calls, nudging open jaemins door with his elbow.
jaemin answers in matching light purple pajamas, smile wide. "come in!"
jeno's already there, lounged on jaemins bed that's shoved into the corner. the room glows soft with fairy lights strung along the ceiling, blankets and bean bags tossed across the floor. a white sheet hangs from the wall, ready for the projector. jaemin always goes all out.
"hey," jeno says. "hey!" chenle grins, scattering the snacks across different spots like a dealer shuffling cards. the door bursts open. donghyuck and renjun tumble in, throwing jazz hands in the air, wearing the last two pajama sets- green on hyuck, yellow on renjun.
"cute!" jaemin says. "you're all matching," jeno observes, amused. "don't underestimate the sacred ritual that is movie night," chenle replies, deadpan. jeno laughs, hands up in surrender.
mark's next, juggling bottles of fizzy drinks like a convenience store exploded in his arms. as everyone settles into their spots, jeno glances around. "anyone know if jisung's coming?"
silence.
"yeah. he should be," chenle mumbles, barely above a whisper. he hates that he knows. ten minutes pass. the projector's on, everyone's ready, but no jisung. "you sure he's coming, chenle?" renjun asks. chenle shrugs, picking at his nail. "he said he would."
he doesn't care if jisung shows up. not really. but if he said he would, then he should. if he's serious about fixing things, the bare minimum would be showing up.
finally, there's a knock at the door. before anyone else can move, chenle's already up.
when chenle flings the door open, jisung's there, smiling. he tries to step inside, but chenle blocks the way. "you're late," chenle says. jisung shrugs. "you never told me what time to come."
damn it. he's right.
"do you have a ticket?" chenle asks, hand out like he's expecting one. jisung blinks. "what?"
"two hundred dollar entry fee. plus a late fee, so that's another two hundred." it takes a second, then jisung rolls his eyes. "move," he says, shoving past him.
he drops into the spot chenle had been sitting in, forcing chenle to scowl and squeeze himself into the space beside him with an exaggerated huff.
"what're we watching?" jisung asks, pulling his knees to his chest. he's wearing an oversized black hoodie and grey sweatpants, and chenle tries not to notice the way he looks warm and soft and comfortable.
"the greatest showman," mark answers. jisung lets out a laugh. "typical."
"it's my favourite movie," chenle pouts, whacking him in the arm. "also typical."
"rude," chenle mutters.
the lights dim and the projector hums to life. the opening song begins, hugh jackman struts across the screen. "it's giving jiwon," donghyuck says, and the room breaks into laughter.
chenle doesn't sing along, even though he wants to. even though he could recite every word. he and renjun used to watch this on repeat back when chenle first joined the circus. it was a comfort then, something certain in a life that wasn't.
next to him, jisung opens a bag of popcorn and tilts it toward chenle. "want some?" chenle hesitates, then grabs a handful. "thanks," he says, voice barely audible. jisung smiles, and chenle hates the way it makes his stomach twist.
the movie goes fine. they laugh, chat about some scenes, sing along to others. but when hugh jackman approaches zac efron in the bar for the first time, renjun crawls across the floor to chenle's side, a mischievous grin already on his face.
"oh my god, no," chenle whispers with a giggle. "what?" jisung leans in, voice just as quiet. chenle shrugs, not answering. he doesn't want jisung to know. "we gotta do it," renjun whispers, and chenle rolls his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips.
"alright, fine." they sit quietly for a moment, waiting.
then hugh jackman says the line "oh, it could cost you more than that" and just like that, renjun grabs chenles hand and pulls him up into the center of the room, directly in front of the projector light. shadows dance over them.
the rest look up in confusion. but then renjun belts, "right here, right now. i put the offer out. i don't want to chase you down, but i know you see it!"
he points dramatically at chenle, stepping across the room like he's on stage. chenle bursts out laughing as the room cheers. his cheeks burn as he glances over, jisung is watching, grinning with clear amusement.
renjun slides toward him, singing with full commitment. "don't you wanna get away from the same old part you gotta play?" and chenle plays alone, he always plays along.
"okay, my friend, you wanna cut me in. well, i hate to tell you but it just won't happen." he sings back, taking on zac efron's lines with mock-serious flair. the boys holler and clap.
"but i live among the swells, and we don't pick up peanut shells, i'll have to leave that up to you." chenle turns on his heel, pretending to leave just like the movie. renjun grabs his wrist and spins him back.
they hit every beat, every lyric, facing off and playing their parts to perfection. when renjun tries to lowball the deal, the boys boo in unison. "i wasn't born this morning. eighteen would be just fine," chenle sings.
"why not just go ahead and ask for nickels on the dime?" renjun fires back, doing the little chuckle too.
"fifteen?"
"i'd do eight."
"twelve."
"maybe nine."
"ten."
they shake hands, the room explodes in cheers.
they pull jaemin and donghyuck up to join them, the four of them now spinning and jumping and performing the final chorus like it's a real stage, perfectly copying the moves onscreen.
"don't you wanna get away to a whole new part you gotta play?" they throw their arms out, finishing with a loud, breathless: "we're going to the other side!" and bow dramatically.
mark, jisung, and jeno sit clapping and laughing from their spots. "woohoo!" mark yells. "maybe in another life, you guys could be kpop idols." they all groan and wave it off.
chenle flops back into his spot beside jisung, cheeks pink and chest puffed from the adrenaline. "impressive," jisung says, laughing. chenle shrugs, eyes glued to the screen now, where zendaya swings in slow motion toward zac efron. "i told you. it's my favourite movie."
"clearly," jisung says, voice softer now as he clears his throat.
the movie carries on without any more spontaneous numbers. the room settles, and so does chenle. they're up to the scene where jenny lind takes the stage, beginning never enough. chenle loves this part. always has.
everything's fine. everything's calm.
then she sings "take my hand," and jisung leans over him to grab popcorn. casual. effortless. chenle doesn't even blink.
until jisungs hand drops down again, landing beside his. so close, jisungs pinkie ends up resting on top of his. chenle stops breathing.
he stares forward, spine straightening ever so slightly, like that tiny brush of skin might burn straight through him. it's an accident, obviously. jisung hasn't noticed, there's no way he noticed.
just a perfectly-timed coincidence. just a ridiculous, ironic accident happening right as zac efron links his pinkie with zendayas.
funny.
he doesn't know renjun sees it, sitting behind him, watching the whole thing. watches jisungs finger land, watches chenle tense like he's been shocked. renjun's eyes narrow.
chenle doesn't move. he can't.
it's only when zac efron lets go of zendayas hand that chenle snaps. he shoots up suddenly, clearing his throat. "uh. i'm going to the bathroom." he says it too fast, too casual, already halfway out the door before anyone can answer.
the hallway is colder, way colder than jaemins room. the chill cuts through his clothes, crawls up his arms and raises goosebumps along his skin. he doesn't look at himself in the mirror.
just pumps soap into his palm, scrubs at his hands like it'll wash the feeling off.
the warmth of the water helps a little. not enough. he breathes out, shaky. tells himself it was nothing. tells himself jisung didn't do anything on purpose. he's imagining it, overreacting again.
they hate each other, that's the truth. end of story. when he returns, the moment is gone. the song is over, he doesn't go back to jisung.
instead, he crosses the room and squeezes himself between mark and donghyuck on a beanbag that barely fits two. they don't say anything.
he feels jisung glance at him during rewrite the stars, and it makes his stomach twist. on screen, zac efron sings like he means it.
chenle wants to leave, wants the movie to end, wants the night to disappear. wants to stop feeling like this.
chenle finds himself alone in bed that night, thinking about jisung again.
he's ended up here more times than he'd like to admit, staring at the ceiling, replaying things he shouldn't care about, letting himself spiral into places he swears he doesn't mean to go. it's exhausting.
a soft knock sounds at his door and chenle jolts up, smoothing his hair down like he hasn't been lying there miserable for the past hour. "yeah?" he says, voice low.
the door opens and it's just renjun. chenle exhales like he's been holding his breath. "hey," renjun says gently. "hey, come in," chenle replies, reaching to flick on the small lamp by his bed. renjun steps inside and shuts the door quietly behind him, like he's done this a hundred times before.
"what's up?" chenle asks as renjun perches on the edge of his bed. "you okay?" renjun asks, and chenle nods without really thinking. "of course," he lies.
renjun gives him that little smile, soft and a little knowing.
"how'd your talk with jisung go yesterday?" he asks, and chenle groans, dragging a hand through his hair. "i don't know. i don't really wanna talk about him right now, to be honest," he mutters.
"sorry." renjun says with a frown, but chenle reaches out and grabs his hand. "don't be. i know you're only caring," he says, squeezing it. it's quiet for a moment. the kind of silence that isn't uncomfortable, but still feels like it's waiting for something.
"renjun?" chenle whispers. "yeah?"
"i can't sleep." renjun glances at the clock. 2:14 a.m. he chuckles. "me neither." he hasn't stopped worrying about chenle since earlier. since the pinkie thing. since the movie.
"i'm so worried about this stunt," chenle admits, even though they both know that's only half the truth. "me too," renjun says, honest. "but it's gonna be fine."
chenle pats the space beside him. renjun doesn't hesitate before curling under the blanket. they lie there, facing each other. "i've been feeling so funny lately," chenle confesses quietly. "i don't know what it is."
renjun giggles. "could it be because of he who shall not be named?" chenle scoffs. "why would it be because of him?"
"you tell me." chenle glares, pouting. "he said he wants to resolve this rivalry or whatever between us." renjun doesn't say anything, waiting.
"but i don't know how," chenle continues. "it's just.... it's so confusing. everything he does just confuses me, and i hate it. but i can't stop thinking about him." he exhales, eyes fluttering shut for a second. "times like this i wish i had a mum."
renjuns face softens. "i can be your mum, if you want." chenle snorts. "no thanks. you'd probably ground me for saying 'fuck' too much." they both laugh, low and sleepy.
"you've got all of us here, chenle. you don't have to go through this alone," renjun says. "i know it's a mess right now, but you'll get through it." chenle nods. "there's nowhere else i'd rather be than here."
renjun smiles, ruffling his hair. "go to sleep, idiot."
"stay with me," chenle mumbles, reaching to turn off the lamp. "yes sir." he closes his eyes, finally feeling like he can breathe.
chenle and renjun are in the practice room the next morning, net set up beneath them, the two of them lazily swaying back and forth on the swings. they're not really practicing, just filling time, legs dangling, laughter echoing in the empty space.
it's saturday. they don't need to be here. but where else would they go?
tightrope from the greatest showman plays through the speaker, low and dreamy. the soundtrack felt like a natural choice after watching the movie last night. chenle hums along absently as they swing in and out of rhythm with each other.
"i actually really liked that movie," chenle says after a lull. "no way. it was so boring," renjun shoots back. chenle frowns dramatically. "but glen powell is so hot." renjun snorts. "just because an actor's hot doesn't make the movie good."
"what movie?" a voice calls up from below. chenle doesn't even need to look. he knows that voice, his fingers tighten slightly on the ropes. "anyone but you," he answers. fitting, honestly.
"i liked that movie," jisung replies. renjun groans loudly. "of course you did. you're both so boring."
with that, he lets himself fall backwards off the swing and into the net, landing with a bounce and a dramatic oof. chenle stays in place, trying to pretend jisung isn't standing below him, looking too casual for his liking.
"what're you doing here on a saturday?" renjun asks from the net, peeking over the edge. "didn't feel like going out," jisung says with a shrug. "you should join chenle on the ropes," renjun says, and there's that glint in his voice. trouble.
"what?" chenle and jisung say at the same time. renjun shrugs innocently. "might be fun. plus, i've got something to do. keep him company?"
"uh... sure?" jisung says, after a beat of hesitation. renjun flashes a grin and waves dramatically at chenle as he rolls off the net and heads for the door. and just like that, chenle is alone on the ropes with jisung.
he leans back against the swing, staring at the ceiling, resisting the urge to scream. or jump. or both.
"so..." jisung says, looking up at chenle. chenle glances down, raising an eyebrow. "shall we?" jisung shrugs, eyes fixed on the swings. "maybe not that high," he says, nodding toward the usual setup. "but sure. why not?"
chenle laughs, jumping down to the net and stepping off. he passes jisung with a smile, moving to the ropes and lowering both swings until they're just fifteen feet off the floor, a few feet above the net.
"how about this?" chenle says. "if you fall, it's only five feet. won't hurt as much." jisungs face tightens, and chenle bites back a laugh. jisung nods. "help me push these platforms away so we can set up the smaller ones," chenle says.
together, they move the heavy platforms aside, swapping in the beginner ones chenle used when he first started. chenle hits play on the speakers, confident by demi lovato fills the room.
"climb up on that platform," chenle says, pointing left. jisung moves without hesitation, chenle climbs up the right side. "it's pretty simple," chenle says, "though for someone like you, it might be tricky."
jisung shoots him a look. "what's that supposed to mean?"
"nothing," chenle chuckles. jisung scrunches his face, unimpressed. "use this hook," chenle says, grabbing the long pole with a hook on the end. "grab the swing and pull it to you." jisung does exactly that, yanking the swing closer before chenle takes the hook back.
"when you do it, i'll swing the other swing to make it easier. just grab on, jump," chenle says, jumping off his platform with ease. "swing as much as you want, then use the momentum to jump forward."
he lands smoothly on the other swing, then swings himself over to jisungs platform. "easy?" chenle asks, grinning. jisungs face is paler than usual. he forces a casual smile. "easy enough."
chenle hops down to the net and climbs back up to his original spot. "ready?" jisung nods, gripping the hook and pulling his swing close, chenle does the same.
"remember, when you're ready, just jump and swing to the other. it's like monkey bars," chenle says. jisung nods, positioning his hands and taking a deep breath before jumping off the platform.
chenle stifles a laugh, the sight is honestly the funniest thing he's ever seen. jisung barely holds on as chenle pushes the other swing toward him. "do i go now?" jisung asks, trying to sync with the movement.
"yup." jisung lets go, and completely misses the swing, landing hard in the net below. chenle bursts out laughing. "oh my god. i did better than you my first time, what was that?" he giggles.
jisung groans from the net, face red with embarrassment. "that was not like monkey bars."
"i wish you could've seen it, seriously, it was hilarious." chenle laughs, and jisung cracks a small smile. "whatever, let me try again." jisung grumbles, struggling to get up from the net. back on the platform, jisung cracks his neck and knuckles like a pro, chenle smiles. "i'm gonna ace this one."
"whatever you say," chenle replies, amused. jisung jumps again, this time with more momentum, he grabs the swing. "woohoo!" chenle cheers. "now just get to the platform."
jisung huffs, swinging himself forward, then jumps. chenle catches him as he lands, and jisung falls into him. chenle pulls him into a hug, celebrating. "you did it!"
"i did it!" jisung says, squeezing chenle tight. chenle freezes for a second, then reflexively pushes jisung back, and jisung falls off the platform into the net.
chenle flushes deep red, looking down. "what the fuck was that for?" jisung frowns. "sorry..." chenle mumbles, embarrassed. jisung sighs. "that was fun until you pushed me off." chenle chuckles. "you did a good job."
"we're bonding," jisung says with a cheeky grin. chenle groans. "you just ruined it." jisung laughs loudly.
later, chenle finds renjun in the kitchen, the older boy smirks. "did you have fun?" chenle rolls his eyes, filling a glass with water. "you're a dickhead."
"welcome back, team," jiwon says to the group. "our practice has been amazing so far. i think it's time we put it all together." chenle grabs renjuns hand, breathing deep. "if you're ready, i'd like to try. we'll have the net set up just in case," jiwon adds.
renjun and chenle nod in agreement. chenle glances over at jisung, who's already looking at him with a nervous smile. jiwon catches their eyes. "there's no need to be nervous. if we put everything we've practiced into motion, it'll go perfectly."
"i'm ready," renjun says. "me too," chenle replies, forcing confidence even if it's fake. if he isn't, things might fall apart. "perfect. do you guys remember your cues?" jiwon asks. they both nod, chenle's gone over it a hundred times with renjun.
"let's set up and get right into it," jiwon says, clapping his hands.
the others watch from the sidelines, jeno and mark aren't needed today, and jaemins tightrope can't be used with the net in place. chenle can't stop worrying as he ties the swings, sets up the net, and helps push the platforms in place.
"hey," jisungs voice snaps him out of his daze. "you're the best i know. you've got this." the encouragement makes chenle more nervous, but he whispers back, "thanks." jisung nods with a smile and walks off to warm up his dirt bike.
before chenle knows it, he's standing on his platform in the dark. a spotlight shines on jiwon.
"ladies and gents, this is the moment you've waited for." music starts, chenle waits for his cue. "where it's covered in all the coloured lights!" the lights flick on. one hand out, one gripping the swing, they present to the imaginary audience.
"where" they both jump "the runaways are running the night." chenle counts his swings, one, two, three, four, five, six, and lets go. just as he grabs the swing on the other side, the roar of an engine blares past him. jisung lands on the other barge.
chenle whips around, heart pounding, he almost collapses realizing they did it. "this is the greatest show!" jiwon shouts.
jiwon yells up, "you guys are unreal!" jaemin, jeno, and mark cheer from the sidelines. chenle feels like he's flying, buzzing with the thrill of what the real show night will bring.
"renjun, we did it!" chenle shouts. renjun beams, "we did it!" jisung enters the tent on his bike, throws off his helmet, and grins wide when he sees chenle and renjun.
chenle watches jisung and jiwon hug, pride shining on everyones faces. it reminds him why he's here, moments like these. chenle and renjun climb down, legs shaky as they hit the ground.
"come here," renjun says, pulling chenle into a tight hug. "i'm so proud of us," renjun says. "me too," chenle replies, his doubts fading. "i knew we could do it," renjun smiles. chenle wonders why he ever doubted himself at all.
"bravo," a voice claps slowly, like a villain in a movie. chenle turns, eunji is walking toward them. he almost forgot she existed. how could he be so stupid? "eunji? why are you here?" jisung asks, looking annoyed.
"you said we were hanging out today," she replies, offended. "yeah, later. i have practice now," jisung says, sighing. eunji shrugs. "it's okay, i'll wait," she says, skipping over to jaemin, jeno, and mark.
"hey," she says to jaemin, sitting beside him and flicking her hair. jaemin looks away, pretending not to hear. she scoffs. "just ignore her, chenle," renjun whispers. chenle swallows. "i'm not bothered," he lies, turning away from eunji and jisung.
he looks up at the trapeze swings overhead, his confidence already slipping. "do we want to run through it once more?" jiwon asks. chenle nods, moving to climb back onto the platform.
"uh-" renjun interrupts. "actually, can we take a quick break?" he asks. chenle freezes, staring at his feet. "alright... let's regroup in an hour?" jiwon suggests. eunji squeals. "perfect! sungie, let's go~" she runs up to grab the boys arm. he shrugs her off and walks away; she follows happily.
chenle storms off the other way, toward the performers' rest section. renjun follows quickly. "are you okay?" chenle spins around. "of course. why wouldn't i be?" he says, but even he doesn't believe it.
"you seem upset," renjun says gently, chenle laughs bitterly. "you know what? i am. i'm so fucking mad."
"why?" renjun asks. "because jisung clearly likes eunji," chenle says, nodding toward wherever they are. "so?" chenle flushes red, glaring. "so!" but he can't find an argument. "so nothing," he mumbles, turning away.
"i saw him grab your hand," renjun says softly. chenle stops, turning back, eyes filling with tears. "the other night. during the movie. i saw it," renjun tells him. unexpected tears spill down chenles cheeks.
"why would he do that, renjun?" chenle asks, defeated. renjun steps forward, wrapping chenle in a hug. "why?" chenle repeats, voice breaking. "i don't know, chenle. i really don't know," renjun admits. he lets chenle cry in his arms.
"i'm so tired of this," chenle whispers. renjun pats his hair. "i know."
chenle spends the next hour alone in his room, splashing cold water on his face, trying to stop the tears. he feels dumb for crying, he has no reason. he tells himself it's just the stress piling up from everything lately.
when chenle walks back out, everyone's already waiting. his face is puffy and red, obvious, but he pretends it's nothing. concern flickers across their faces. "you sure you're okay to do this? i can call it off," renjun whispers. chenle shakes his head. "don't be silly. i'm fine."
"chenle, what happened?" jiwon asks as chenle approaches. "just hay fever," chenle lies with a laugh, jiwon doesn't look convinced. "you're okay to do the stunt?" jiwon presses. chenle nods, he won't let them down.
jisung suddenly runs up and grabs chenles arm. "are you okay?" chenle shoves his hand off. "fuck off." then climbs the ladder without another word. jisung stands there, confused, watching him.
the spotlight hits chenle on the platform. the music starts, jiwons voice echoes. he feels nothing. some say you do your best work when disconnected, others say the opposite. he jumps, lands hard- more a fall on his ass than a landing.
the bike roars behind him; he doesn't look to see if jisung lands but hears the cheers. "good job today, everyone! let's end practice here," jiwon calls. renjun tells chenle to get down. chenle sighs, still sitting on the platform. he should be proud, he's not.
he leans back, falls into the net, then swings to the ground. jisung runs over, bike and helmet tossed aside, hair sweaty, the look chenle hates.
"have i done something?" jisung asks quietly. chenle ignores him and walks straight to his room, he feels pathetic.
sweat drips down chenles forehead as he swings, all eyes fixed on him. he lets go, grabbing renjuns hands, who swings him back. chenle lets go again, flipping through the air before catching renjuns hands once more, thrown back to his original swing.
his feet land firmly on the platform, and he spreads his arms to the audience. renjun pulls himself up to stand on top of his swing, bows, then frontflips off, catching into the net below. the crowd cheers.
chenles mind briefly clears, the applause and the rush of trapeze remind him why he's here. he jumps down to the net and flips off it. "that was the flying trapeze!" jiwon calls, and just like that, it's over.
in the showroom after their performance, renjun says, "apparently jisung's hosting on friday."
"really? so he's just involved now?" chenle asks, annoyed. "chenle, you're supposed to be getting along with him. remember?" renjun frowns. "i know, i'm sorry," chenle replies, still bitter without reason.
"what's he got planned?" chenle asks as they watch jiwon perform an escape trick on stage. "no clue. jeno and mark are helping set up, but they won't tell me anything," renjun says. chenle nods.
"it better be good." renjun chuckles. another voice cuts in, jeong yuno, one of the other globe of death riders. "knowing jisung, it'll probably be some boyish stunt about bikes." chenle scoffs at the idea.
"when are you guys performing?" renjun asks. "right after jiwon. dejun, yuta, and jisung are outside warming up the bikes. i'm supposed to be with them," renjun says, smiling. they're doing a four-person globe ride today.
"good luck," chenle says. he used to think his problem with jisung was the motorcycles, but he has no trouble with the other riders, they're family. "thanks, le," yuno says as chenle and renjun wave him off.
"if only jisung was as nice as him," chenle mutters with a tsk. renjun laughs. "are you going to jisungs thing?" chenle asks. renjun raises an eyebrow. "are you not?" chenle shrugs. "only if you go."
"of course i am." chenle scrunches his face. "bummer." when chenle watches jisungs stunt, mixed in with all the other riders, he can't even seem to tell which one jisung is. maybe it's better that way. he's just glad eunji isn't here tonight.
on thursday night, after a long week of training, chenle hears a knock on his door. he puts down his book as he tells whoever it is to come in. the last person he expects is jeno.
"come to the ring room," jeno says with a smirk; chenle looks at him confused. "okay?" he says, jeno shuts the door without another word to let chenle get ready.
chenle throws a hoodie over his head and walks out his room. he looks down the hall to see renjun leaving his room too. "what's going on?" chenle asks, renjun looks at him. "no idea," renjun says back. donghyuck leaves his room as well, then he sees jeno walk out of jaemin's room with jaemin.
"jeno, what is this?" donghyuck asks, jeno shrugs. "you'll have to wait and see," he says. the five boys walk together into the main ring room where the lights are all shut off. jeno tells them to sit down on the bleachers before running off into the dark.
"do you think we're in trouble?" jaemin jokes as the four of them settle down. suddenly, fire spreads around the ring, and they all gasp. a spotlight shines down, there's a man in the centre. his head is down, he's got on jiwon's show outfit and he's holding a cane.
"what the fuck," donghyuck says with a laugh.
"gentlemen," the voice says, echoing through the speakers of the circus. dramatic music plays. he lifts his head, it's park jisung. chenle holds back a laugh. the four boys sit and wait to see what he has to say.
"welcome, thank you all for turning up tonight," he says, chenle thinks it's so dramatic. "what even is this?" donghyuck whispers, the others shrug with a giggle.
"i know you all must be wondering why you've been brought here, but believe me, you will be amazed," jisung tells them. chenle is almost waiting for him, mark, and jeno to give them a full circus show.
"the four of you have been invited to the unbelievable, showstopping dance, here, tomorrow night," his presenter voice is kind of funny, he sounds a lot like his father. "a dance?" renjun whispers. "this is unbelievable," chenle says back.
"i expect to see you all here in your best dress," jisung says. chenle scoffs. "so get yourself a date," he adds, and chenle is amused, who is there to date around here? "glam up, and find your way down here tomorrow at 8pm sharp," he tells them.
"tickets will be with mark and jeno as you leave, thank you," he says with a bow. the spotlight switches off and the fire goes out. they all sit for a bit, kind of amazed. when the light switches back on, jisung is nowhere to be seen.
"he's really gone all out," jaemin laughs. the four stand up and head over to the two boys. "i really didn't expect that from him," donghyuck says. "it's good though, it's nice to get them involved," renjun adds.
when they approach mark and jeno, they're both holding two tickets each. "how many tickets?" mark jokes.
chenle rolls his eyes. "just one for me, thanks," he says. mark hands him a ticket. it's one of their circus entry tickets but his name is scribbled on it with a sharpie. chenle finds the whole thing amusing.
"this is exciting," renjun giggles as they approach chenles room. "it's annoying, i have no idea what i'm going to wear," chenle replies. renjun scoffs. "we'll sort it tomorrow night, get some sleep now," he says, and chenle agrees, stepping in his room and shutting the door behind him.
he leans against his door and lets out a sigh. he knows this will be fun, it seems like a good idea and jisung is putting a lot of effort into it. but he hasn't properly talked to jisung since what happened on monday; he wanted to continue ignoring him but renjun keeps telling him not to.
the next morning during practice, it's all anyone can talk about.
"you're going with jeno?" renjun whispers to jaemin, eyes darting around like someone's listening in. "obviously. he asked me straight after jisung told us," jaemin says smugly, arms full of tightrope gear as they help him set up.
"mark's probably gonna ask hyuck," renjun says, glancing over to the two of them standing side by side, close enough to say we're something, but still not touching. "that's if he finds the balls to," chenle mutters, and they all laugh.
"looks like it's you and me, jun," chenle adds, grinning. renjun rolls his eyes. "god, will i ever get away from you?"
"not until death," chenle replies cheerfully. "boys! enough gossiping, get over here!" jiwon shouts across the tent. chenle groans but they all shuffle over, obediently falling into line. jiwon's standing with his arms crossed, expression a little more pinched than usual.
"i know you're all buzzing about it nearly being the weekend," he starts, tone more serious than usual. "but the real show is next week. let's not forget that." everyone quiets.
"on monday we'll be doing the full run-through of the stunt with no nets," he says. a few heads turn, but no one speaks. chenles stomach twists, not because he hasn't done this kind of thing before, but because something about this version, high speed, moving parts, extra pressure, just feels different.
"jaemin, we still won't include you on the rope yet. we'll run it a few more times without you, then bring it all together once i'm sure it's safe," jiwon continues. jaemin nods without argument, probably relieved.
"today's a bit more relaxed. we've got other stunts to polish for the showcase, so i want you to break off and work individually, go over your scripts, tighten your movement, review transitions. take it seriously," he finishes, clapping his hands once before stepping back.
chenle's honestly relieved. the repetition had been getting to him. plus, he didn't want to be completely drained before whatever jisung had planned tonight.
he pulls his script from his bag and flops down cross-legged on the floor with it. it's pretty simple. they had a smaller trapeze trick after the big stunt, which he expected, and a trio section later in the night with insuel and yunhee. just standard flips and jumps, the usual back-and-forth. nothing too intimidating.
not compared to flying across a ring with no net.
insuel and yunhee show up not long after, bags in hand, hair still wet from the rain. they'd come in just for todays practice, but for now, the four of them are sprawled out on the mat, talking like they've got all the time in the world.
"that's so exciting!" insuel grins after renjun tells her about the dance plans for tonight. "just the seven of you?" she asks. chenle nods, chewing on a loose thread from his sleeve. "yeah. everyone who lives here has a hang out night every friday. jisung's just... taken it up a level."
"you guys have serious competition for next time," yunhee jokes, nudging renjun. "tell me about it," he groans. "i have to host next."
then there's a knock, light, uncertain. chenle turns, and there's jisung, half-shadowed in the doorway. still in his biker gear. standing like he doesn't know if he should've come in the first place.
"what's up?" renjun asks. jisung shifts his weight, clears his throat. "uh, can i pull chenle away for a sec?" chenle glances at renjun, brows drawn. renjun just lifts a hand. "go."
he gets up slowly, brushing chalk dust off his palms. jisung doesn't move as chenle passes him, just falls into step behind him. they walk a few steps into the hallway in silence, something heavy trailing them like fog.
"chenle," jisung says. chenle stops, turns. "yeah?" he's trying to keep his voice even, but he already feels something sharp crawling under his skin.
"um. how's practice?" jisung asks, fiddling with the strap of his glove like it's glued to his hand. chenle blinks. "fine? the usual stuff. just warm-ups with insuel and yunhee. you?"
"yeah, same. got a globe ride with yuta." another beat of silence. chenle waits. jisung looks like he's choking on his own words. "spit it out," chenle mutters, folding his arms. "huh?"
"what you wanted to say." jisung looks at the ceiling, lets out a tiny breath. "right. yeah. um-about the dance tonight..." chenles stomach clenches. he narrows his eyes. "if you're here to tell me you invited eunji, don't bother. i don't care."
"no," jisung says quickly, "i wanted to invite you." chenle freezes. "...what?"
"i mean, as friends. like. for bonding," jisung stammers, waving a hand. "not a thing. just... a dance." chenle stares. he feels something cold stir in his chest, frustration, disbelief, maybe both.
"seriously?" he asks flatly. jisung nods. "i just thought it'd be good. for us. we can hang out, or whatever." chenle looks down at his shoes. they're old. frayed at the sides. he's suddenly aware of everything, how close they're standing, how quiet the hallway is.
"i see," he says. his voice is smaller than he means it to be. "let me think about it." jisung nods. "okay. that's fine. uh, get back to me?"
"i should get back to practice," chenle mumbles, jerking his thumb over his shoulder. "right. good idea. see you later." jisung turns and walks away without looking back.
chenle waits until he's gone before going back inside. he doesn't say anything. just flops to the floor and groans into the mat like he's been mortally wounded.
"what was that about?" renjun asks. "he invited me to the dance," chenle mumbles, face still in the floor. "what?! seriously?" renjun sounds like he might choke. chenle rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling. "yeah. said it's for bonding."
renjun lets out a laugh he tries to swallow. "did you say yes?" insuel asks, sitting up straighter. "no. told him i'd think about it." "and... are you going to?" yunhee presses. chenle shrugs. "i don't know. i don't even know how i feel about it."
he sighs, covering his face with one arm.
for the rest of the evening, chenle avoids jisung like the plague.
even after mark, jeno, and jisung banished them to their rooms earlier that day, and he finds himself getting ready with renjun, jaemin, and donghyuck, he still hasn't said a word to him. hasn't given him an answer. hasn't even looked at him.
"have you said yes yet?" jaemin asks, crouched on the floor in front of the mirror, applying highlighter like he's painting for war. "i haven't talked to him since he asked," chenle says, arms flopped wide as he starfishes on his bed. "i don't even want to go anymore."
donghyuck laughs from the dresser. "way to lead a man on."
"i'm not leading anyone on. he's the one who asked me," chenle shoots back, pouting so hard he might implode. "get up. you need to get ready," renjun says, grabbing chenles hands and dragging him upright like dead weight.
"i have nothing to wear," chenle whines. "you have more clothes than all of us combined," renjun mutters, already yanking drawers open like a man on a mission.
chenle glances at the clock. 7:34pm. he hasn't even started his makeup. the others are nearly done. he groans, but drags himself over to the floor beside jaemin and starts pulling out his brushes.
by the time he's dabbing the last fleck of glitter onto his eyelids, there's a knock at the door. renjun opens it, head poking out. "yes?" he asks. "is jaemin in here?" comes jenos voice. smooth and confident.
chenle watches as jaemins reflection lights up in the mirror. "he is," renjun replies quickly, "just give us ten minutes."
"no worries," jeno says, and the door shuts again. renjun immediately spins around, clutching his own face like he's seen god. "jaemin, you're gonna die. he looked so handsome."
chenle giggles, and jaemin grins, adjusting his hair. "do i look okay?"
he's wearing a glittery white dress shirt, tucked into crisp white dress pants, like he just walked out of a music video and accidentally into chenles room. chenle would be more jealous if he didn't look so damn good.
"obviously," renjun says, smoothing down jaemins collar with surgical precision. "god, i'm nervous," donghyuck mutters. he's fully dressed now too, navy shirt tucked into black pants, chewing his lip like he's bracing for a performance.
"hyuck, did mark invite you?" chenle asks as he dabs at the corner of his eye one last time. donghyuck blinks. "huh?"
"i just thought he would," chenle says with a shrug, not looking up. donghyucks face flushes immediately. "oh, no. he didn't." the room goes quiet for a beat. a few exchanged glances. chenle looks up, frowning. "sorry..."
donghyuck waves it off. "don't be. i didn't think he would."
the moment passes. chenle finishes the last of his look and stands up, eyeing the outfit renjun laid out on his bed. burgundy dress shirt, black pants. simple, flattering. just bold enough to be a problem.
he changes quickly, fixing his collar in the mirror as the others gather their things. renjuns wearing a smoky grey shirt with black pants, and he's already checking everyone's hair like he's their overworked stylist.
they're all ready. every one of them armed with nerves and glitter and unsaid things.
and chenle still hasn't given jisung an answer.
they all take a quick mirror selfie before finally heading out the door. a blur of glitter, soft cologne, and nerves. when they open it, the three other boys are already outside, leaning against the wall, waiting like they've been there for hours.
"hey," jaemin says, walking up to jeno, his voice a little too breathy. jeno lifts a delicate corsage, white and pink rose petals tied with silver ribbon, and jaemin holds out his wrist. jeno slips it on carefully, like he's afraid to bruise him.
"thank you..." jaemin murmurs, face flushed pink, eyes down.
jeno's in a crisp white dress shirt, tucked into black pants, his hair slicked back, jawline sharp. he looks like a prom fantasy come to life. beside him, mark's gone for a warmer palette, brown shirt, white pants, rings glinting on his fingers.
and then there's jisung.
black dress shirt, unbuttoned just low enough to annoy chenle, black pants that cling just right, and, somehow, his hair is parted tonight. chenle thinks he probably spent all evening pretending he didn't try. the look is textbook jisung. stupidly effortless, irritatingly hot.
"should we go?" mark says, already checking the time. they all nod and begin walking. a few steps in, chenle feels a hand wrap around his waist. he tenses slightly.
"you never gave me an answer," jisung says, his voice too close to his ear. "what if i said no?" chenle replies, not meeting his eyes, gaze locked on the ground ahead. "then i'd be disappointed," jisung says smoothly, "and the flowers i got you would go to waste."
chenle blinks, finally looking at him. "you got me flowers?"
jisung nods, and like it's nothing, pulls a bouquet of deep red roses from behind him, like a sleight of hand trick. chenle briefly wonders if jisungs dad actually did teach him magic.
"oh..." chenle says, caught completely off guard. "thank you." the blush hits before he can stop it, warm and embarrassing on his cheeks, creeping down his neck. "so, about that answer?" jisung asks, lips tugging into something close to a grin.
chenle stares down at the flowers, eyes scanning over the petals. "do what you want," he mumbles, stepping away from him and lengthening his stride so they're no longer side by side.
"i'm taking that as a yes!" jisung calls from behind. chenle doesn't turn around. he doesn't have to, his face is already giving him away.
when they get to the entrance, soft lights sweep across the stage like glitter, catching the dust in the air. there's even a red carpet runway rolled out across the dirt path. chenle stops in his tracks, eyebrows raised, jisung really went all out.
but the biggest surprise is jiwon, standing at the entrance in a full suit, smiling wide like he owns the place. chenle lets out a scoff under his breath, no one expected him to be here. suddenly, jisungs efforts make more sense.
"ticket?" jiwon asks, arm out like a real usher. renjun laughs and pulls out his crumpled paper ticket, holding it out. jiwon inspects it like it's serious business before nodding and stepping aside.
chenle hands his over next, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. he hears it, quiet but clear, jisung leaning in to whisper, "thanks, dad." jiwon claps a hand on jisungs back.
"gentlemen, welcome," he announces once they step past him, walking the red carpet. "beverages and snacks to your left. the dj is open to requests." chenle turns toward the 'dj booth', a lone speaker in the corner of the ring with someones phone sitting open to a spotify playlist. it makes him giggle despite himself.
"enjoy your night," jiwon adds, finishing with an overly dramatic bow. the place is honestly... beautiful.
lights have been strung everywhere, zig-zagging overhead and weaving through the supports. there's a projector set up, casting slow-moving stars and constellations across the ceiling like they're dancing.
a thick mat covers the dirt in the ring's center, making it look clean, soft. music he doesn't recognize plays quietly, echoing under the low ceiling beams, and the snack table is piled with effort.
it doesn't feel like their shitty ring at all, it feels unreal.
jiwon disappears somewhere into the night, and chenle makes his way over to renjun, eyes still wide. "this is so cool," renjun says, spinning slowly to take it all in. "i can't believe jisung is capable of this," chenle laughs, placing a hand over his heart in mock awe.
renjun snorts. "please. it was probably all jiwon. let's be honest." chenle scoffs, setting the bouquet of roses down on the bleachers behind them. "still..." he murmurs, watching the lights flicker over the floor. "feels like magic."
chenle finds himself dancing with renjun most of the night, just like he figured he would. when jisung asked him to be his date, he hadn't really expected anything serious. it was just a dance, and chenle knew better than to take anything jisung said at face value. so it didn't matter who he danced with.
renjun had stuck by his side the whole night, making sure he didn't have to think too hard about anything. the punch bowl, definitely spiked with something strong, maybe vodka, made everything easier. or fuzzier. or both.
"so, so what? i'm still a rockstar!" chenle bellows, gripping renjuns hand as they jump in place together. renjun throws his head back, laughing, "and guess what? i'm having more fun, and now that we're done, i'm gonna show you... tonight!"
they shout the last word together, bouncing off the beat, cheeks flushed from heat and laughter. chenle's voice cracks, but he doesn't care. it's one of the first times in a while he's felt free. really, properly free.
when the song ends, both of them are breathless, wheezing and swaying on unsteady legs. a familiar, slower melody starts, something soft and dreamlike, let the light in. chenle knows it immediately. his arms are sticky with sweat, his eyeliner smudged a little under his eyes, and all he wants right now is-
"chenle?" a voice says behind him. he spins around, orange cheeto dust still coating his fingers, mouth half-full. it's jisung, of course it is.
"may i have this dance?" jisung asks, that dumb, crooked grin pulling across his face. he holds out his hand like he's charming or something.
chenle sighs, already regretting this, but when he glances at renjun, his friend just shrugs with a barely-contained giggle. chenle rolls his eyes.
"i guess," he mutters, wiping his hand on his pants before reluctantly grabbing jisungs.
the song hums in the background, the soft warmth of lana del rey wrapping around them like a blanket. chenle lets jisung pull him in.
jisungs arms snake around his waist, and chenle grimaces but doesn't push him away. instead, he places his hands lightly on jisungs shoulders, careful not to lean in too much. they sway. slow, side to side. barely moving.
"having fun?" jisung asks. chenle nods, hair messy and eyes a little glassy. "yeah, it's been a good night."
jisung smiles, easy and sincere. "i'm glad." they keep swaying, slow and uneven. chenle's too tipsy to stay steady, but jisung doesn't seem to mind catching him each time he stumbles. chenle doesn't apologize either.
"what happened the other day?" jisung asks, voice soft like he's trying not to start something. chenle squints at him. "what do you mean?"
"on monday. during practice. you seemed... off after the break." chenle shrugs, eyes on their feet again. "oh. it was nothing."
"it didn't really seem like nothing."
"drop it, jisung."
the music keeps playing. chenle hums along, barely above a whisper. "look at us," he sings under his breath, "you and i back at it again. 'cause i love to love to love to love you... i hate to hate to hate to hate you..."
jisung just watches him. something sharp and unreadable flickers across his face. "i just feel like it was something i did," jisung says, "since, you know. you told me to fuck off and all." chenle groans. "my god, do you ever get the hint?"
jisung frowns, not used to being brushed off this easily. "what?"
"i just don't like eunji. that's all." jisung tilts his head, confused. "why not?"
"do you like her?" chenle asks, words a little slurred now. "like... as a friend?"
"no, idiot. as more than a friend."
"not really." chenle blinks. "not really?" jisung shrugs. "i don't like her like that." chenle stares at him, trying to read the corners of jisungs mouth. "why not?" jisung glances away. "i dunno."
"hey. answer my question."
"i don't know, chenle." chenle pouts. "boring."
there's a beat of silence. jisung is looking somewhere else now, past the projector lights, the dancing shadows, the haze of teenagers burning out their nerves under cheap disco bulbs. chenle narrows his eyes.
"penny for your thoughts?" he asks, voice quieter now. jisung looks back at him with a lazy smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "keep your pennys." chenle rolls his eyes, but he doesn't let go.
the song is coming to an end, and chenle's not sure he wants it to. "i love you, i'm sorry" by gracie abrams starts to play, soft and aching through the speakers. he loves this one too.
"chenle," jisung says suddenly. chenle looks up at him, still swaying a little. "yeah?" he watches jisung hesitate, swallowing, not meeting his eyes. "i think..." jisung begins, then pauses to breathe.
"i think i like you. but i don't know."
chenle freezes mid-step. the words don't compute. he steps back, away from jisung like he's radioactive. "are you drunk?" he blurts, half-laughing, all disbelief. "what? no," jisung says. "i haven't drunk anything."
"are you serious?" chenle asks, and it comes out sharp, desperate. jisung nods. "i'm sorry, i-" but chenle's already turning, already running.
he bolts out of the ring room, barely hears the shouts behind him, jisung calling after him. his heart's in his throat. his chest is caving in.
he slams his bedroom door shut, shoves the dresser in front of it with trembling hands. everything is too loud. his pulse, the music, the words replaying in his head.
"i love you, i'm sorry. you were the best, but you were the worst. as sick as it sounds, i loved you first..." the bridge hits too hard. it breaks him. he collapses to the floor, gasping for air through sobs. ugly, loud, shaking sobs.
he doesn't know if he's angry or heartbroken. maybe both, or maybe it's something worse.
what did jisung even mean? "i think i like you", what kind of half-assed, cruel joke is that? he spent years building a fortress of resentment, brick by brick, just for jisung to smash it down with seven stupid words.
a knock comes at his door. "chenle?" it's renjun. he says nothing. just cries harder, head in his hands. "chenle, what happened?" renjuns voice is panicked now, hand rattling the doorknob. "chenle-"
nothing.
then a frustrated shout. "i swear to god, i'm going to fucking kill park." the sound of renjun fighting the door stops. chenle assumes he's gone. he lies there on the cold floor, sobbing to the beat of a song that knows too much.
"what the fuck did you do?!" renjun screams, shoving jisung hard enough that he crashes to the floor. the room goes silent. heads snap toward them, the music still bleeding in from the other room, now sounding strangely out of place.
"i- i didn't do anything!" jisung scrambles to justify, wide-eyed on the ground. "oh, that's bullshit," renjun barks, taking a step forward like he might go in for another hit.
"i just said something and he freaked out!" jisung defends, sitting up as mark rushes in, grabbing his arm to help him up.
renjun can't even look at him. he's seething, chest rising and falling fast. "what did you say?" jaemin asks, eyes narrowed. jisung drags his hands down his face. "it doesn't matter. i didn't mean to upset him-"
"well you have," renjun cuts in, voice razor-sharp. "for the past three fucking weeks, all you've done is upset him." jisung blinks, confused. "what do you mean?"
"chenle told me everything," renjun snaps. "all your little fucking games. you're a piece of shit." donghyuck and jaemin both step in, hands up, trying to calm him, but renjun shakes them off.
"i'm tired of this," jisung mutters, already turning away. "i'm going home." as jisung walks off, renjun isn't done. "i never want to see your face again!" he shouts after him.
jisung disappears through the doorway. finally, the tension breaks. "what the fuck just happened?" jaemin asks, dazed. renjun wipes his hands over his face, still breathing hard. "jisung's an asshole, that's what."
the others exchange glances. confused, quiet. trying to piece things together. "what a night," jeno mutters, rubbing his temples. "i'm going to bed before i run after him and beat him to death," renjun growls, already turning on his heel.
"that's a great idea," donghyuck says. "the going to bed part, not the beating him to death part."
renjun tries chenle's door again. he knocks, then bangs, then pleads. tells him he cares. tells him jisung's gone. but chenle doesn't open it.
inside, chenle stays curled up on the floor, back against the dresser, head buried in his arms. he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want comfort. he just wants to be alone.
he's glad it's the weekend. he plans to spend all of it in bed, not speaking, not moving, not thinking, though that last part's impossible. his thoughts won't shut up.
the past three weeks unravel inside him like a film reel on fire.
jisung in his bedroom, asking him why he stays.
the cage, jisungs hand on his waist.
the washroom. the almost-something. the silence after.
holding onto him on the back of the bike, wind screaming around them.
the pinky brush during the movie, renjuns gentle questions after.
teaching jisung trapeze. their hug. eunji's smug smile.
tonight.
their dance.
lana del rey.
"i think i like you, but i don't know."
chenle curls in tighter. he can't stop the tears from coming. again. all the hatred he built was a wall. jisung knocked it down in one night. and now he's just... exposed.
so he cries, alone, in the dark. and finally, when his head aches and his chest feels hollow, he falls asleep. right there on the floor.
the next day, he did end up pushing his dresser away from the door and dragging himself to breakfast. only renjun, donghyuck, and jaemin were there; he wondered where the others were, but honestly, he didn't really care.
"you look like shit," jaemin says as chenle slumps into a seat at the table, shoving cereal into his mouth. "thanks, jaemin," he replies, flat. jaemin just shrugs.
"you okay?" renjun asks gently. chenle doesn't reply. "can we talk about it later?" renjun tries again. chenle wants to say no, wants to shove it down and pretend none of it happened. but he knows he can't.
"yeah, we can," he mumbles. renjun nods. they finish breakfast in silence. when chenle stands, renjun gets up too, walking with him back to his room. it feels weird, having someone with him, like it makes the aftermath more real.
"sorry for the mess," chenle says as he opens the door, stepping over the things that fell from his dresser when he pushed it in front of the door the night before.
"i don't care about the mess, chenle. i care about you," renjun replies softly. chenle frowns, looking away. "what happened?" renjun asks once they're inside. he sits on the bed while chenle paces the floor, arms crossed tight.
"i don't know. fucking jisung..." he starts, but his voice trails off. "i mean, i assumed that much," renjun says with a quiet laugh. chenle pouts, annoyed that it's so obvious.
"he said that he said something to you," renjun continues. "yeah. he did," chenle says flatly. renjun gives him a look, waiting for more. "okay, hypothetically speaking..." chenle begins, and renjun furrows his brows.
"what would you do if the person you hated suddenly tells you that they like you?" chenle asks. it's not subtle, and they both know it. "what? he told you he likes you?" renjun whisper-yells, eyes wide.
"i said hypothetically," chenle huffs. renjun clears his throat, trying to organize his thoughts. "uh, okay, hypothetically, i would think about my feelings towards that person?" he suggests carefully.
"what if you didn't know what you felt?" chenle counters quickly. "that's why i'd think about it," renjun says, patient but firm. chenle lets out a groany, frustrated breath. "unhelpful."
renjun rolls his eyes. "i'd sit down with my best friend and tell him the truth, explain my feelings, and try to come up with a solution." chenle frowns at him, but then he sighs and finally joins him on the bed.
"i don't know how i feel, renjun. i'm confused," chenle says, curling his legs up into himself. "i don't understand why he likes me." renjun nods. "honestly, neither."
"hey, what's that supposed to mean?" chenle says, nudging him with his foot. renjun laughs. "nothing. i just mean, you guys have never exactly gotten along."
"exactly," chenle sighs. "i've just always had this idea of him," he goes on. "like he's this dickhead playboy who i hate. and now it's all changing. it's too much."
"changing because of what he said last night?" renjun asks. chenle bites his lip. "maybe? i've been feeling weird about this for a while," he admits. renjun nods. "do you like him?"
chenle groans and flops back onto the bed. "i don't know."
"i'd say the first step to all this is figuring that out," renjun says. i know you're right, but i'm going to pretend you're wrong," chenle replies. renjun laughs.
chenle actually tries. he spends most of the weekend either curled up in bed or up on the trapeze, letting his body move while his mind goes in circles. thinking, clearing his head. thinking again. over and over. he's not sure it's working.
he can't come to a real conclusion. it should be easy to reject jisung, tell him he's delusional and confusing hate for affection, but something keeps stopping him. something he can't name.
aside from that, he hasn't even seen jisung since friday.
right now, he's perched on a swing that's so high up you'd miss him if you weren't looking for him, legs dangling, head tilted back. he tries to imagine a life with jisung. the thought of doing couple things, dates, kissing, maybe even holding hands, makes his stomach turn.
he doesn't know if that's disgust.... or nerves. or maybe it's want, he honestly has no clue.
either way, their stunt is coming up this friday. he doesn't have time to deal with this right now. but he also knows if he pushes it aside, it'll eat at him and ruin the show.
he's stuck. and he hates it.
what made it worse was that on monday morning, for the most important practice yet, park jisung was nowhere to be found.
"has no one heard from him this morning?" jiwon asks, pacing back and forth. they all shake their heads. "i haven't heard a word since saturday morning," jeno says. jiwon sighs. "he said he'd be here."
they can't do the stunt without jisung. and today's supposed to be their first practice without a net. if chenles silently clutching renjuns hand beneath the bleachers, that's staying between them.
"i'm sure he'll show up. give it time," mark says, checking his watch. it's already been half an hour.
"i'm going to try calling him again," jiwon mutters, walking off with his phone to his ear. if anyone can get through to jisung, it's his father. they watch him leave in silence.
"what the fuck is going on?" mark asks, rubbing the back of his neck, pacing like jiwon had. chenle doesn't answer. he feels sick. "he'll show up, mark," jeno says.
"and what if he doesn't? we know jisung. he's impulsive." no one argues. because it's true. "i'm sorry, guys. this is my fault," chenle says, quieter than he means to be. "don't say that. it's not your fault, chenle," mark jumps in quickly.
chenle pulls his knees up tighter. "don't blame yourself," jeno adds, patting his shoulder. it only confirms what chenle suspected, they know. jisung told them.
finally, jiwon walks back in. "he didn't pick up," he says, arms crossed, his expression too serious. chenle suddenly isn't sure jisung's ever going to show again. minutes stretch into what feel like hours. just waiting. hoping.
right when jiwon's about to call it off and send for a search party, jisung finally walks through the door, messy, eyes downcast, breathless. "sorry i'm late," he mutters. it sounds too easy, too practiced.
"where have you been, young man!" jiwon barks. jisung doesn't look at him. "went for a ride. lost track of time." jiwon shakes his head. "sit down."
jisung does.
he's all the way on the other side of the room. chenle can't stop staring. his hair's a mess. he's wearing that leather jacket—the same one chenle wore days ago. chenle's heart stutters.
"i don't know what's going on with you lot," jiwon starts, voice sharp, "but whatever it is, figure it out. the show's in four days. if you're not taking this seriously, walk out now."
no one moves. "honestly, feel free to leave!" he repeats, louder now. "if any of you step through that door, you're not welcome back. so sort it out." chenle bites the inside of his cheek. "especially you, park," jiwon adds, eyes pointed. jisung looks away.
"all of you, take five minutes. get water, get air, and sort your shit." he turns and walks out. silence falls like a weight, none of them move. "let's remember why we're here, guys," jaemin says quietly.
chenle nods. "agreed. or this'll all be for nothing," jeno adds. they all do agree. it just doesn't feel like enough right now. renjun squeezes chenles hand. "you got this," he whispers. chenle sighs and lets his head fall to renjuns shoulder.
"alright, have we all cleared the air?" jiwon asks once he reappears. "ready to go," jeno replies. jiwon smiles. chenle can't tell if it's real or not, but it doesn't really matter right now.
"i'd hope so," jiwon says, "because what we're doing today is serious." chenle frowns.
"to inform the ones who were late," jiwon adds, and chenle swears he hears jisung groan behind him, "we'll be performing the trick without nets. we'll start with only renjun, chenle, and jisung for now, and expand as we progress. understood?"
chenle wants to speak, to say he's not ready, that this feels wrong in every cell of his body. but he doesn't. he just stays quiet, biting his tongue like it might hold him together. he doesn't trust his gut anymore, hasn't in a long time.
"this week is going to be torture for you all," jiwon says, "but despite everything, there's nothing in me but belief for this team." he claps once. "so let's get into it." jaemin stands up with a bright voice, "you got this!" he cheers.
chenle lets himself smile, just a little, as renjun tugs his arm. he says nothing as he climbs the platform. nothing when he meets renjuns gaze across the span of the rig. he just breathes, shallow and slow.
"are we ready?" jiwon calls out. chenle looks down, no net. there are ropes hanging from the swings, just in case. they won't be there on the real night.he swallows, still says nothing.
"ready as i'll ever be," renjun answers. from outside, jisungs bike engine starts, low and growling like thunder in his chest. chenle rubs chalk over his palms, cracks his neck. he paces.
his shirt sticks to his back. his heartbeat is so loud he's sure renjun could hear it from the other side. "where it's covered in all the coloured lights!"the lights switch on, chenle flinches. almost drops. he can't do this.
"where-" he jumps. his fingers curl around the swing, he grips hard.every other sound fades. five, six- he lets go.the wind stings his eyes, he hears the bike rip past.
he reaches for the next swing, his fingertips catch, he's got it.
no. he doesn't.
his grip slips.
he hears someone scream just as the ground rushes up to meet him. he flails for the rope, misses, tries again. his fingers close around it just in time to slow the fall, but not stop it.
the landing is brutal, the air leaves his lungs, pain flares sharp through his ribs."chenle!" someone yells. he doesn't know who, he just wants to cry.
then-
a crash.
a metal thud against concrete. chenles eyes snap open, heart stopped in his chest. jisungs bike has flown off the ramp, everyone sees it.
for a breath, they think he's crashed.
but then jisung is there, messy hair, wide eyes, sprinting across the floor toward him, and chenle forgets how to breathe all over again.
"chenle, oh my god!" jisung shouts, dropping to the floor beside him like he's about to fall apart. his hands are on chenle immediately, grabbing his shoulders, cradling his face. "fuck, are you hurt?"
chenle lets out a shaky breath, barely able to nod. his eyes flutter shut. everything is too bright, too loud, too much.
he's vaguely aware of the crowd forming around him. renjun's somehow already there, breathless, wide-eyed. chenle must've lost all sense of time, because it feels like everyone is suddenly everywhere, hands hovering but not touching.
"i'm fine," chenle says with a pained groan, but he doesn't believe it himself. someone pulls him gently up, into their arms. he almost resists, until the scent hits him. warm, familiar, dizzying.
jisung.
his whole body melts, trembling as it gives up the fight. jisung wraps his arms around him, fierce and shaking. "i'm so sorry," jisung whispers into chenles hair. his voice cracks, he's crying. chenle almost laughs. he would, if his ribs didn't hurt so fucking bad.
no one speaks. the room is silent except for jisungs stifled sobs and the hum of the overhead lights. they're all staring, renjun, jaemin, hyuck, the rest of the crew. no one's ever seen him fall before.
chenle has never fallen. not once, not in all these years. he's not supposed to fall. he leans heavier into jisungs chest, just for now.
"guys, let's take a break," jiwon says from somewhere behind them. his voice is thin, like he doesn't quite know how to use it anymore.
"are you hurt?" he asks, stepping closer. chenle finally opens his eyes, then regrets it instantly. all he sees are faces twisted with concern and fear and something worse, pity. "i'm fine," he mumbles, "my head just hurts."
"you've probably got a concussion," renjun says, and chenle groans. "i don't, i'm okay," he insists, and tries to stand, but his knees betray him, buckle under him like wet paper.
"stay there. i'm calling an ambulance," jiwon says. he's already pulling out his phone. "no- don't. seriously, i'm fine." chenle reaches out, almost desperate. his voice rises. "don't make this a thing."
he can't let it be a thing, he won't. he hasn't come this far, worked this hard, trained until his hands bled, just for this to be what ruins him. "chenle," jiwon says, gentler now, "let me call. just in case."
chenle wants to scream, wants to fight everyone in the room. but all the fire has drained out of him. jeno and jiwon walk off to make the call. chenle stays slumped where he is, pouting like a child. humiliated.
"what happened?" renjun asks softly, crouching in front of him. "i don't know. i just... slipped." chenle mutters. it's not a lie, but it's not the truth either.
because everything was fine until the feelings got in the way, until jisung started mattering too much. he clenches his fist, wants to shove jisungs hand off his, maybe punch him in the arm.
but jisungs fingers are laced through his, warm and steady. and chenle... doesn't pull away.
maybe he's not thinking straight, maybe the fall rattled something loose. or maybe he just likes jisung. maybe he's always liked him, and now it's too loud to ignore.
"it happens to the best of us," jaemin says gently. "don't let this get you down." chenle nods, slow and sad. "you are the best of all of us. seriously," donghyuck adds, more quiet than usual. but none of it feels like enough. not when chenle feels like a failure, like a cracked mask with nothing beneath it.
he doesn't want to be here, he wants to disappear into his blankets and cry like a kid. but instead, he just whispers, "thanks." because that's all he can manage.
the paramedics arrive fast, and jisung does not move an inch from chenle's side. he's there when they kneel beside him, when they gently check his vitals, when they press cold fingers against his ribs and ask him to blink, breathe, move.
he's there, too, when they say the thing chenle needs most to hear. "no concussion, nothing broken or sprained. you'll just be sore for a few days," one of them says. "take the painkillers we've given you, and rest."
"will i be okay for the show on friday?" chenle asks, voice barely holding steady. the look on the paramedics face twists his stomach. "i'd suggest you lay low, we'll send someone back on thursday to reassess."
chenle nods, picking at the skin near his thumbnail. he hates the way he does that when he's trying not to cry. "thank you," he murmurs, and then they're gone. someone ushers him back to his room and declares him on bed rest, he doesn't argue.
finally, finally, jisung is gone. the door shuts behind him, and chenle breathes like it's the first time in hours.
he lies back and stares at the ceiling. cold light filters in from the window and everything feels dull around the edges. it's not even the fall that has him like this, it's the fact that he let it get this far. that he let a boy dig under his skin so deep he forgot who he was.
he hasn't felt this low since before he joined the circus.
he thinks it's stupid. pathetic, even. if it had been anyone else, he could've handled it. if it had been mark or donghyuck, maybe even renjun, he could've shrugged it off, moved on.
but it's jisung. park fucking jisung. the boy who's haunted him since day one.
two rooms down, jeno leans against the wall. "did you miss your landing?" jisung shakes his head. "i heard the screams, saw chenle fall. i don't know, i just reacted. jumped off before i landed." he runs a hand through his hair. "it was adrenaline or something."
"you're lucky you didn't shatter your spine," mark mutters. jisung shrugs. "i'd break all my bones for him." mark chuckles, jeno doesn't. "i still can't believe he fell," jeno says. "it's chenle."
"i think i pushed him too hard," jisung admits quietly. jeno looks over. "well, he didn't exactly shove you off when you hugged him." he says, "he probably couldn't move," mark jokes. "not funny," jisung mutters, rolling his eyes. mark grins anyway.
meanwhile, the other boys slip quietly into chenles room. he's buried under his blankets, only a tuft of hair sticking out. renjun sits at the edge of the bed. "you okay?" he asks softly.
"i feel stupid," chenle says, voice muffled under his pillow. "you're not," renjun says, hand resting lightly on chenles leg. "i'll be okay by tomorrow." a lie, or maybe a prayer. even he's not sure.
"you will be," renjun lies back, smiling like he believes it. "is it the wrong time to ask what the fuck is going on with you and jisung?" jaemin asks, his voice casual but curious. renjun shoots him a look. chenle groans under the covers.
"yes, it is."
"okay, okay. sorry," jaemin says, amused. "guys, i'm tired..." chenle mumbles. not just tired, done with all of it. they get the hint. "alright. we'll let you sleep." renjun pats his leg gently. they file out without another word.
the door clicks shut. silence follows.
chenle turns his face into the pillow and wipes at the tears that won't stop falling. he ignores the aches in his limbs, the bruises forming beneath his skin, and lets sleep take him under like a tide. it's easier than thinking, easier than feeling. especially if the only thing he's feeling is him.
"i'm going to call this stunt off," jiwon says. and just like that, chenle feels his heart snap in half. "what?!" jaemin blurts, voice rising in disbelief. "it's just too risky," jiwon replies, calm but firm. "we can't have something like yesterday happening again."
"no," chenle says instantly, shaking his head. "we can't call it off." jiwon gives him a sad look, it only makes chenle angrier. "chenle..."
"i'm serious!" chenle snaps. "we're not calling it off because of one stupid mistake. i'm fine, jisung is fine, everyone's fine. i'm not letting you call this off!" the fire in his chest spreads fast, rage, sharp and hot.
his muscles ache, but the medication's kicked in and he feels weightless, like he could take on the world. he needs to. "it's too risky," jiwon says again, quieter. "this is bullshit!" chenle shouts. his face burns red, fists clenched tight at his sides. and underneath it all, pure fucking sadness.
"chenle..." renjun says softly behind him. "no! don't chenle me!" he yells, shaking renjun off. "i don't want to call it off. it's not fair."
jiwon sighs, and chenle sees the sadness in it. "what happened happened. but i don't want this holding all of us back, especially since i'm not even hurt!" chenle adds, desperation creeping into his voice.
no one speaks.
"i'm sorry for what happened, okay? i am. it won't happen again." he's pleading now. he hates how pathetic he sounds. "just give me another shot." jiwon looks at the floor, rubbing a hand down his face. "i don't know what to do."
"just listen to me. please." for a long second, it's silent. chenle holds his breath. finally, jiwon looks up. "if we do this," he says, slow and steady, "we're changing things." chenle freezes, his stomach drops.
"luckily, you've all nailed the timing, so the stunt itself stays the same," jiwon continues, "but we're keeping the nets." chenle and renjun exchange a look. chenle bites the inside of his cheek hard enough to taste blood.
"what does that mean for me, then?" jaemin asks. he was supposed to be in the center under them, his whole role revolved around it. "i'm not sure yet," jiwon admits. "but we'll figure it out."
jaemin nods. of course he wants to argue, but this is for chenle and renjuns safety, and that's not something he's ever going to fight. "i'm fine to get practicing," chenle pushes, voice clipped. "nothing hurts. i'm serious."
he refuses to look at anyone. he can feel their eyes on him, their quiet concern, their guilt. he hates it. hates the way they tiptoe around him now.
"how about you start with the lower swings in the practice room?" jiwon offers. "go over them a few times, and we'll work from there. in the meantime, we'll sort out a new plan for jaemin." chenle groans, but renjun's already tugging gently at his arm.
"come on," renjun says, coaxing him out. "this is so annoying," chenle mutters, just for renjun to hear. renjun doesn't reply, just presses his lips together and keeps walking. and chenle lets himself be dragged away, because what choice does he have?
chenle watches renjun set up the ropes and net, only because renjun wouldn't let him help. "there's no need for all of this," chenle complains under his breath. renjun shoots him a look. "no point fighting it. we just have to do what jiwon says."
he tugs at a knot in the netting, his shoulders stiff, chenle thinks he looks bone-tired. "i'm going to talk to jisung tomorrow," chenle mumbles. "so stop worrying about it." renjun pauses, lets go of the rope.
he just stands there. "i can't believe this is happening," he says quietly.
chenle watches him, suddenly aware of how much the past few days have worn renjun down. he's usually the calm one, the one who keeps everyone steady. but now, even he sounds like he's cracking.
"it's just fucking amazing timing, chenle."
"it's not my fault," chenle snaps, sharper than he means to be. renjun sighs, rubbing a hand over his face and through his hair. "i know it's not. i'm not mad at you." but chenle doesn't believe him. he doesn't say anything else, he just swallows the lump forming in his throat and looks away.
"come on," renjun mutters, voice tight. "it's all set up." chenle stands and climbs the small platform. it's the same one he and jisung had trained on just days ago, the one chenle never thought he'd have to touch again.
he hates how familiar it feels, how small it makes him feel.
he chalks his hands, huffs out a shaky breath. stretches his sore muscles and lets his body fall into muscle memory. the jump is clean, but his arms scream in protest as he catches the swing. his grip falters for a second, and he takes a few more swings than usual to build momentum.
he launches himself, catches the second swing, lands on the platform. "see?" he says, out of breath. "i'm fine?" his voice breaks on the last word. "you were a few seconds behind, chenle," renjun says, not unkindly.
chenle nods, of course he was. he felt it, he's not sure why he's pretending otherwise, maybe because he needs to believe he's not falling behind. "do it again," renjun says, resetting the timer.
chenle shakes out his arms and jumps again. his muscles still ache, but he pushes through it. counts the swings carefully this time, one, two, three, four, five, six and lets go. catches the next bar, pulls himself up.
this time, it feels better. cleaner. he meets renjuns eyes from the platform. "good job, that was on time." chenle lets out a shaky breath, something in him loosens a little.
"how's it going?" jiwons voice cuts into the space as he walks into the practice room. "good," renjun replies, not taking his eyes off chenle. "he's on time still." jiwon nods, then looks at chenle directly. "i'm glad. i knew you could do it."
chenle forces a small smile, swallows the emotion that catches in his chest. "thanks."
"go again," jiwon says. so chenle does, and again, he lands it on time. "good. that's a good sign," jiwon says, more to renjun than to chenle. chenle climbs down slowly, wiping sweat from his brow with the back of his hand.
"i told you i was fine," he mutters to jiwon, not able to hide the edge in his voice. jiwon just shrugs. "i never said you weren't." and chenle sighs, because yeah, maybe he didn't say it. but he didn't have to.
"did you figure out what jaemin's going to do?" renjun asks. jiwon nods. "we're gonna run the rope in a circle around the net, so he just walks around you guys. it should be timed fine, he'll finish his part right when i'm done speaking."
renjun smiles. "that sounds good."
"hopefully," jiwon replies, not quite matching the optimism.
jiwon lets chenle back on the real swings after that, and for over an hour, it's just him and renjun- running drills, again and again and again. chenles body moves on instinct, sore but steady. he's got it locked in again. the rhythm, the distance, the trust in his own hands.
he's not going to fall, he knows that now. because the reason he fell before wasn't the trick, it was jisung.
jisung, who'd confessed and then disappeared for an entire weekend. jisung, who'd shown up late and acted like a stranger. jisung, who threw off his balance without even touching him.
but that's over. chenle's decided it's over. he's fine now. he's figured it out in his head, he had to. he can't afford another mistake. he won't let park jisung ruin him again.
maybe he's being stubborn, or maybe it's the pressure. renjun, jiwon, everyone, they're all looking at him like he's fragile glass, like he'll crack if they breathe too hard. but he won't, he's not going to quit.
he knows no one would be mad if he backed out, they'd cancel the friday show, reschedule for another time. it would be easy. but chenle doesn't believe in easy, he never has.
he heard about jisungs bike, how it got hauled off to a repair shop. the side was smashed in where he jumped off, but apparently not too bad. they said he'd use a different bike for the stunt. no big deal.
jisung didn't seem worried, from what chenle had heard. and that bothers him more than it should.
"when are you going to talk to jisung?" renjun asks during lunch the next day. chenle shrugs, finishing the last bite of his sandwich. he's been putting it off, stretching the silence as far as he can. their morning was full, nonstop practice, no time for anything else.
"now, i guess." there's still an hour left in their break, and he figures he can't delay forever. "be nice," renjun warns. chenle snorts, getting up and dropping his plate into the dishwasher. "i'll try my best."
renjun gives him a lazy salute, and chenle forces his legs to move.
his steps feel heavier the closer he gets to jisungs room. nerves crawl up his spine, chew at his chest. he doesn't even know what he's going to say, he spent all night trying to map it out in his head, but every version of the conversation kept spiraling into something worse.
he's just going to wing it, that's all he can do.
he forgets to knock, leaning into the doorway. "jisung," he breathes out, "can we tal-" he cuts himself off.
a moan.
his entire body locks up.
and then he sees it- eunji, tangled in jisungs sheets. jisungs hands still on her before he scrambles back, tossing her off like she's on fire. her arms fly up, dragging the blanket with her. chenle watches it all in slow motion.
his stomach churns violently.
"chenle- this isn't what it looks like!" jisung says, panicked. chenle stares, silent, as the bile rises up his throat. he doesn't speak, doesn't think, he turns on his heel and bolts.
he doesn't know where he's going, just that he needs to get away. away from that room, that bed, that look on jisungs face.
his heart pounds against his ribs. rage spills through him hot and thick. it's familiar now, this kind of rage- jisung-shaped and ugly. and for a second, chenle can't tell if the anger is what's keeping him upright... or if it's what's dragging him down.
"chenle!" jisung yells behind him. he doesn't stop.
his feet carry him to the practice room. he doesn't hesitate; he grabs the rope, yanks it from where it's tied, and lets the wooden plank drop. it hits the floor with a violent crack, the sound echoing too loudly in the space.
he stands there, breathing heavy, fists clenched. his chest aches, his head spins, and all he can think is of course.
"chenle, i'm sorry," jisung bursts into the practice room, breathless. chenle doesn't look at him. his fingers grip the rope like it's the only thing keeping him grounded.
"i actually hate you, you know," chenle says, voice cracked, hollow. he's not sure if he's joking. he's already halfway through planning his escape, new name, new country, new face, maybe.
"i know you do." jisungs voice is soft, too soft, and chenle hates that it still sounds like it means something. "but i can explain-"
"i don't really want to hear it," chenle cuts in, eyes glued to the floor. the silence between them fills the room like smoke. "i like you, i-"
"you can't say you like me and then fuck another girl, jisung!" chenle spins around, voice rising too fast to stop. he sees him, shirtless, crying, hair a mess like the world just ended. chenle wants to kill him. wants to scream until it caves in his chest.
jisung says nothing. "you told me you don't like her." chenles words come out quieter now, but sharper. jisung drops his gaze, arms crossing over his chest like he just remembered he's half naked.
"i don't."
"then why would you do that?!" the yell rips out of him before he can hold it in, jisung flinches. "i didn't think you liked me back," jisung says, small, stupid. chenle could rip his own hair out.
"you didn't even give me a chance, you didn't ask." now it's his turn to cry. jisungs head snaps up, eyes wide like he didn't see it coming. "do you like me?" jisung asks, like he's still holding out for hope.
"doesn't really matter now, does it?" chenle wipes at his cheeks. "you've ruined it." he turns away again, fingers wrapping around the rope like it can save him from this conversation.
"what happened with eunji is nothing, i swear." jisungs voice breaks, chenle doesn't say anything. "we used to hook up, but we hadn't in months. i was upset and i asked her to come over. i didn't think you liked me."
chenle bites down hard on his lip to stop the sob clawing its way up. the pain in his body settles in like lead, every ache dragging him down. he can't get the image out of his head. jisung, eunji, that bed.
"i don't want to hear it." he pulls down on the rope, lets it lift him toward the ceiling, he doesn't look back down at jisung. jisung runs to the rope, grabbing the bottom as chenle wraps it around his legs and sits, suspended. "please don't run away from me," jisung says.
chenle leans back, lets the rope hold all his weight. some part of him wants it to snap. "sometimes i wish i never came here," he says quietly.
"what?" jisungs voice is tight, confused. he steps in closer, like that might help him hear better. "i lay in bed wondering why i left. if it was worth it. would the pain of staying home, dreaming of the circus, have hurt less than actually being here?"
"don't be stupid. you're happy here," jisung says too quickly, like he's trying to convince himself too. "i would've never met you," chenle murmurs. jisung lets go of the rope and takes a step back. silence spills into the room like water.
chenle exhales, slides down, and sits beside the rope on the floor. "when i first came here, i knew you were an asshole. hated you the second i saw you, i just didn't know you were this awful."
jisung doesn't say anything. chenle stands, meeting his eyes. "what? nothing to say now?" he asks, stepping closer. "you fuck with my head, you made me fall. and now you're just- what? silent?" he shoves jisungs chest, hard.
"don't be mean," jisung says, stumbling back. chenle laughs, it sounds unhinged. "oh, i'm being mean? that's rich coming from you." jisung looks wrecked, like he's unraveling at the seams.
"i'm never going to hurt you again, i swear on my life." he says, chenle sobs. "i don't trust you." his voice shakes. "i wish i never met you." jisung flinches like it was a physical hit.
"you don't mean that." chenle looks at the floor. no, he doesn't. but that doesn't matter right now. "give me another chance, please? i know i've never done anything right, but i want to. i want to try."
"i don't know," chenle whispers, dragging his sleeve across his cheeks. the tears just keep coming. "please?" jisungs voice is wrecked, desperate. "just leave me alone." chenle pushes past him, out of the room.
jisung doesn't follow. he crumples to the floor, shaking with sobs, fists pressed against his eyes. he wants to scream, to break something, to disappear.
chenle, somewhere down the hall, feels empty. when he finds the bathroom, he flicks on the light and stares at himself in the mirror. his face is red, swollen, streaked with salty tears.
"you're going to be okay," he tells himself. his voice trembles, like even that might be a lie. he's not going to let jisung get in his way anymore, he's not going to let jisung ruin this stunt.
if he has to, he'll shut everything off- switch his brain into silence, lock the door on his chest. no thoughts about jisung, no thoughts about anything that's happened, no more telling people how he feels.
he's going to get through this. and then, afterwards, when it's over, he'll let himself fall apart.but for now, this is nothing. this doesn't even exist.
he takes one last look in the mirror, splashes cold water on his face, and walks back into the ring room.
he sees eunji leaving. her face is swollen, like she's been crying too. he doesn't care, he doesn't slow down, he doesn't say a word.
"what happened?" renjun asks when chenle returns to his side. his voice is gentle, his brows tight with worry. "nothing," chenle says, and he smiles. it's empty and too bright. renjun looks even more concerned.
"did the talk go well?" chenle sighs, grabbing a glass and filling it with water. he drinks the whole thing before answering. "we'll talk about it on saturday."
"saturday, what?" renjun asks. chenle just shrugs. he doesn't owe anyone an answer right now, not even renjun.
"the show is tomorrow!" jiwon announces, smiling wide. renjun and chenle squeal in excitement. "you've all done amazing! today we're going to put everything together one last time."
chenle scans the room. everyone's smiling, buzzing with energy, except jisung.
"let's set up and get right into it!" jiwon says, and chenle immediately stands, already moving to tie his ropes. "i'm glad you're back," renjun tells him, bumping his hip into chenles. chenle laughs, light and practiced. "me too."
he's been faking it well. renjun's confused, of course, but it's better this way. easier, cleaner. pretend nothing happened, and life fits neatly back into place. outside, he can hear the rev of jisungs bike. he doesn't flinch, he doesn't look. he's getting better at that too.
the setup finishes quickly, jaemins rope circles the net, mark and jeno are posted on opposite ends with the flame canisters. the swings are perfect. jisung confirms through the radio that he's ready.
chenle and renjun climb their platforms. adrenaline builds in his chest, bouncing up his spine. he's grinning before he even means to. something about this finally feels right, like all the pieces are finally clicking into place.
"is everybody ready?" jiwon shouts. a chorus of yeses answers back. the lights snap off. one spotlight drops, and there's jiwon, cane in hand, eyes down, standing at center. chenles heart races. the show is tomorrow, it doesn't feel real.
"ladies and gents, this is the moment you've waited for," jiwon begins. chenle has to physically hold in a squeal. the music kicks in, rhythmic and electric. his muscles vibrate with energy.
jaemin starts walking the circle even before jiwon finishes the line. chenle watches with sharp curiosity, praying the timing still flows.
"where it's covered in all the colored lights!" the lights flood on. chenle and renjun present with arms open to the invisible crowd. "where-" they leap. "the runaways are runnin' the night!"
they swing through the air, weightless. jisungs bike cuts behind them perfectly. fire bursts from jeno and mark, dazzling across the net. chenle lands clean on the platform, catches the swing on time, sticks it.
"yes!" he hisses under his breath, grinning. he turns to renjun, who's smiling ear-to-ear, silently cheering with both fists in the air. chenle laughs, dizzy with joy.
"this is the greatest show!" jiwon calls out just as jaemin finishes his circuit.
perfect.
they all burst into celebratory chaos, yelling, clapping, jumping. "we did it!" jiwon exclaims. "we're ready for tomorrow!" jisung rides his bike into the room just then, helmet already coming off.
he sees chenle up on the platform and breaks into a smile so wide it nearly splits his face. he hops off and runs into jiwons arms, throwing himself into a hug. "i'm proud of you, my son," jiwon says, pulling him close. jisung just laughs, eyes wet with emotion.
"he did it," jisung whispers, only jiwon can hear. they both look up to the platform, where chenle is animatedly shouting something to renjun, his body alive with adrenaline.
"he did," jiwon replies, a soft smile curling on his lips. he ruffles jisungs hair, and for a rare moment, just a breath, there's no sadness between them. not between any of them.
they run through the routine one more time before jiwon calls it. the next time they do this, it'll be in front of a full house. no more rehearsals. chenle, renjun, donghyuck, and jaemin immediately crash into a big four-person hug, jumping in place and squealing like children.
"i'm so excited!" jaemin says, nearly shaking. "me too," chenle laughs, "it's gonna be unreal."
a few hours later, the paramedic shows up to reassess chenle. he checks his legs, asks a few questions, flips through his notes. chenle sits anxiously on the bench. "the muscles are still a little weak," the paramedic says, "but if you stay on top of the meds, you'll be healed in no time."
"what about the show tomorrow?" chenle blurts. "i've been practicing nonstop, and i've been doing all the stretches like i was told." the paramedic pauses. chenle watches him scan the clipboard again, eyes tracking every ticked box and scribbled note.
"give them hell," he finally says, smiling. chenle beams. for a second, he considers launching into a grateful tackle hug, but that seems... unprofessional. "thank you so much," he says instead.
"good luck," the paramedic replies, packing up and waving as he leaves. chenle doesn't waste a second. "jiwon!" he calls, already sprinting down the hallway into the showroom.
jiwon turns, eyebrows lifting when he sees chenles wild grin. "yeah?"
"the paramedic said i'm good! i can perform tomorrow!" jiwons face lights up instantly. he opens his arms without a word, and chenle leaps into the hug. "you're the strongest kid i know," jiwon tells him, squeezing tight.
chenle laughs, pulling away just enough to look up. "it's because of you." and he means it. jiwon's been his rock through all of this, his coach, his support system, the kind of adult chenle always wished for.
jiwon smiles. "go rest up. we've got a big day tomorrow."
"yes, sir," chenle says, giving a mock salute before skipping off.
he honestly couldn't be happier. he's done a damn good job at pretending his feelings for jisung don't exist, repressing them so hard it almost feels like they never happened at all. even though he knows deep inside, they're still there.
it's finally friday. they're all up early, adrenaline already humming beneath their skin, as the circus comes to life. one by one, performers start to flood in.
chenle and renjun are pulled aside for costuming: a simple unitard that hugs the body. jiwons vision is clear- he wants the opening act to scream circus, and their outfits definitely do.
"i can't believe today's the day," renjun says, tugging his skin-toned leggings higher beneath his shorts. "i know," chenle replies, laughing softly. "feels like forever ago we were just stuck in the practice room, freaking out over this stunt."
there's noise outside, louder than usual, heavier with purpose. it's all starting to feel real.
chenle loves days like this, where the once-empty back rooms are packed with performers. color and nerves and sweat and glitter. he watches them move past, all different kinds of people, all here for the same reason.
"sometimes i wish we could go back," renjun jokes, smoothing down his outfit. "same here," chenle huffs. everything had felt easier then, simpler. "chenle! renjun! gather around!" someone shouts.
they look at each other, giggle, and race over to jiwon, who's standing with the rest of the team, seven boys, all buzzing with nerves.
"the show's about to start," jiwon says. "renjun, chenle- you're already on the platforms before people walk in. lights'll be dim, no one will see you. jaemin, mark, jeno, get to your positions when the lights go completely black. we've practiced this, you know what to do."
they all nod.
"listen to me, boys," jiwon says, pulling them into a loose huddle. chenle doesn't look at jisung, even though he can feel him standing close.
"for years and years, i've chased their cheers," jiwon says, and chenle knows. he knows that tone, that shift. jiwon's slipping into a speech, the kind that gets under your skin and stays there. "the crazy speed of always needing more," he continues, voice low but certain. chenle swallows.
"but when i stop and see you here, i remember who all of this is for." the boys smile, soft and small. "so from now on," jiwon says, louder now, "our eyes will not be blinded by the lights."
the words hit deep, deeper than they should, and chenle feels something shift inside him. "from now on, what's waited 'til tomorrow starts tonight. it starts tonight." jiwons voice rings, clear and steady.
"let this promise in me start, like an anthem in my heart. from now on, we will come back home again." he looks at each of them, eyes sharp with something close to pride. "do you boys hear me?"
they nod, every single one of them. jiwon smiles. "good, now get into position. the show's about to start."
chenle and renjun climb the ladders to their platforms, hearts pounding in sync. it's dark up there, really dark, and chenle feels the nerves rattle through his bones like thunder under skin.
the audience is flooding in below them, an ocean of faces and chatter. he peeks across the ring to renjun, perched on the opposite platform. he's grinning, legs swinging slightly, eyes glued to the growing crowd.
the sound of it, hundreds of voices layered over each other in excitement and curiosity, buzzes in chenles ears. some people sit like seasoned fans, leaning forward with wide grins. others whisper with anticipation, wondering what's coming. he can't make out their words, but he doesn't need to. the collective energy is electric.
the house lights shut off.
the shift is immediate, silence drops like a weight. chenles breath catches. he spots the silhouettes of the others, jaemin, mark, jeno, darting into place. jisungs bike revs outside, it's starting.
it's real.
his chest tightens. he thinks of jiwon. of every late-night training, every word of encouragement, every hand on his back saying you've got this. he holds onto that. it settles something wild inside him, he's not doing this for anyone else. this is for him.
he can hear his own breathing, heavy, fast, alive. his hands shake as he lathers them with chalk, renjun does the same. their fingers curl around the metal hooks, and they start to rock the swings, building momentum, tension.
"ladies and gents, this is the moment you've waited for," jiwon booms, his voice slicing through the darkness. a spotlight hits him, the music crashes in behind his words like a wave. chenles chest nearly bursts from the pressure of holding it all in.
the crowd erupts. screaming. cheering. alive.
jaemin starts his walk through the ring, just a shadow under the lights, but it looks unreal. otherworldly.
"colossal we come, these renegades in the ring!" jiwon calls, voice rich, powerful. chenles heard these lines a thousand times in rehearsal, but now they pulse with life. "where the lost get found in the crown of the circus king."
the rhythm builds, chenles knuckles go white around the hook. "don't fight it, it's coming for you, running at ya. it's only this moment, don't care what comes after."
god, it's like a drumbeat in his veins. "it's blinding, outshining anything that you know. just surrender 'cause it's calling and you wanna go!"
go time.
"where it's covered in all the coloured lights!" the lights explode on. beams of blue and gold flood the room, chasing through the space like lightning. chenle and renjun snap into form, presenting, bowing, and the audience roars.
"where-"
they leap.
no time to think. the world tilts, the air rushes past his ears, and suddenly he's flying. he hears the screech of jisungs bike burning in the ring beneath them.
"the runaways are running the night!" jaemin is perfectly centered below, arms stretched to the sky. mark and jeno breathe fire left and right, flames bloom upward, wild and hot.
"impossible comes true, intoxicating you-" eye contact. one beat. they switch swings. the engine roars past them. "this is the greatest show!" jiwon cries.
the spotlight cuts. silence, then thunderous applause. chenle and renjun bow again, adrenaline surging through their bodies like fire. every nerve screams, every breath is alive.
they flip down into the net. the catch stings chenles back, but he doesn't care. he's glowing. they tumble off the net, hit the ground running, bow once more, and sprint offstage, laughing and panting and electric.
the audience is still clapping. louder, louder. they crash into each other backstage, arms wrapping tight. "that was fucking unreal!" chenle yells, nearly breathless. renjun laughs, giddy and flushed.
jeno, mark, jaemin, and haechan rush over. "it looked amazing! it was perfect!" haechan says, practically bouncing, and then jisung steps in. he's out of breath, frowning, and they all spot him at once. jeno chuckles and waves him over.
"come here, idiot," he says. jisung hesitates, but mark and jeno yank him into the group hug anyway. chenle feels the shift immediately, the crack in his joy. he squeezes his eyes shut and pretends jisung isn't there.
he's not going to let him ruin this, he won't. not this time. they pull apart, it's time to prep for the next acts. chenle shakes out his arms, lets the joy settle in his chest like fireworks, and runs off with the others, back into the light.
chenle's arms stretch out slowly, muscles taut as jisung approaches from behind. chenle can feel the weight in the air, the nervous swallow jisung tries to hide. "you did well, le," jisung says softly, voice low, carrying the fragile hope of forgiveness.
chenle exhales shakily, holding jisungs gaze for a long moment. he sees the silent plea behind jisungs words, the please that isn't spoken, but chenle isn't ready to give in. not yet.
without answering, chenle turns on his heel and walks away, the soft sound of jisungs resigned sigh trailing behind him.
the show is over. the applause has faded, but chenle remains, moving among the guests. he offers polite smiles and warm thank yous. "thank you for coming, i really appreciate it," he says to an elderly couple praising his performance. this part always feels different, intimate, rewarding. a bridge between the magic on stage and the world outside.
but then a voice from behind halts him cold. "zhong chenle." he freezes, every muscle stiff. the voice cuts through the soft murmur of the crowd, too familiar, too unwelcome.
slowly, he turns. there they are, the last two faces he ever expected to see. his mother, her eyes sharp and cold with disgust. "this is what you ran away for?" she spits, the words cutting deeper than chenle thought possible.
his heart fractures again, splintering in a way he never wanted to feel. "what? what are you doing here?" chenles voice cracks as he shifts his gaze between his mother and father.
his mother exhales with an exhausted sigh, "we heard your name in the paper, it said which circus you worked at." his father adds quietly, "do you even know how long we've spent looking for you?"
chenle swallows hard, biting his tongue to keep the flood of bitter words back. their sudden concern bewilders him, he had thought they'd be glad he was gone. it'd been four years, four years of silence. he had hoped they'd finally given up.
"so what?" chenle snaps, his voice sharp and low. "it's not like anything is going to change now that you've found me." their eyes widen in shock, but chenle looks away, his chest tightening with the weight of years lost and wounds still fresh.
"we didn't know where you were! we wondered if you were dead," his fathers voice cuts through, thick with frustration. chenles eyebrows knit in anger, his jaw tightening, ready to fire back, until his mother cuts in sharply.
"you!" she points at someone standing just behind chenle.
chenle turns slowly, dread settling deep in his chest. it's jisung. he looks at him, and for a brief, crushing moment, wonders if he should just disappear, if it's easier that way.
"you're the man who runs this place's son, aren't you?" his mother asks, eyes narrowing. jisung steps forward, smiling nervously, offering his hand. "sure am. park jisung," he says, voice steady but cautious.
chenle sighs, heavy and defeated. jisungs smile falters, confused by their cold silence. "you're the one whose father manipulated my son!" his mother shrieks suddenly, voice sharp and accusing.
jisung's face twists in confusion, brow furrowed. "huh? son?" he says, glancing at chenle. "jisung, these are my parents," chenle says quietly, voice thick with exhaustion.
"oh," jisung replies, looking back and forth between chenle and the couple, clearly unsettled. "what- what is going on?" jisung asks, worry edging his tone. "not that it's any of your business, but we're here to bring our son back home," chenles father declares, voice heavy with finality.
chenles chest tightens, a sudden surge of upset flooding through him. "what? no, you're not. this is my home!" chenle shouts, heat rising in his voice.
his mother rolls her eyes with disdain. "this is not your home, chenle. don't be ridiculous. how could you ever call this freak show your home?" chenle scoffs, disbelief flashing in his eyes. "you two are the real freaks," he spits back, glaring at both of them.
without thinking twice, he grabs jisungs hand. "run," he commands. jisung wastes no time, pulling chenle along as they sprint away. behind them, chenle hears his parents shouting his name, but strangely, their voices lack urgency, no sound of pursuit.
chenle lets himself be pulled, heart pounding, legs moving on pure adrenaline. somewhere deep down, he knows this is the only escape that matters.
jisung takes the two of them out the back, near where the bikes are kept. "climb up there," jisung says. chenle gives him a funny look. "i'll be right behind you, come on," jisung tells him. chenle groans, stepping onto the ladder and climbing up to a place he never even knew existed.
when he's on the roof, it's a sheltered spot no one from below can see. there's a large gap in the metal shelter that chenle assumes is from decay over time, you can see the stars through it.
"what the fuck just happened?" jisung asks when he joins chenle on the roof. chenle huffs and turns away from him. "i still don't want to talk to you," chenle says. he's stubborn. his pride will always get the best of him, no matter the situation.
"seriously? are you still going to act like this now?" jisung asks, sounding annoyed. chenle shrugs, he just wants to cry. he just saw his evil parents for the first time in years, and now he's stuck on a rooftop with park jisung.
"chenle, talk to me," jisung says, walking towards him. chenle doesn't respond. jisung huffs and sits down. "whatever. i don't care, i'm just going to sit here forever until you talk to me," he says, his feet dangling off the edge of the roof.
chenle still stands, shivering from the cold and the emotion. he really wants to give in. silently, chenle walks towards jisung and sits down next to him, kicking his feet on the edge of the roof like jisung does. still, he doesn't say anything.
"nice of you to finally join me," jisung jokes. chenle rolls his eyes. "i'm not going to force you to talk about what just happened if you don't want to, but i want to know if you're okay," jisung says. chenle purses his lips.
"i'm fine," he mutters through his teeth. if this were any other moment, he would've just climbed back down and left jisung. but he's worried he'll run into his parents again, and that's the last thing he wants.
he's sure they'd probably find a way to kidnap him and fly him all the way back to china. jisung doesn't reply; they silently sit next to each other in the cold. chenle isn't sure if it's because jisung is upset or simply doesn't know what else to say.
"i'm still really sorry, you know," jisung says after a moment, breaking the silence. chenle sighs. "shut up," he tells him. jisung frowns. "this has ruined my entire night," chenle says, pretending like he's talking to himself. it's an excuse he uses to feel like he's not giving in and talking to jisung.
jisung doesn't reply. "i was so happy, you know. the stunt was over, we did so well and everyone loved it. and now my fuckingparents just show up. it's like the world is against me at the moment," chenle adds, wanting himself to shut up.
jisung looks at him, but chenle refuses to look back. "i'm sorry," jisung says again. "i'm sick of hearing you say that," chenle tells him. jisung nods like he understands.
"what do you even like about me?" chenle asks before he can stop himself. "what?" jisung says, like he didn't expect chenle to say that. chenle doesn't reply.
"i like everything about you, chenle," he says. chenle rolls his eyes, what a basic answer. he knew jisung wouldn't be capable of anything more than that.
"i like how kind you are to the people you care about, i like the way you speak, the way you laugh. i like seeing you smile and i like when you're proud of yourself," jisung adds. chenle holds his breath as he listens.
"i also like when you're acting like an idiot, like right now," jisung says with a laugh. chenle pretends to hit him. "i like how stubborn you are, how you won't give up until you've got it right. i like your attitude, you're funny," jisung says. chenle feels tears fall from his eyes and turns away so jisung won't see him cry.
"you're so beautiful," jisung says. chenle feels his heart almost stop. "you're beautiful when you're performing, and you're still beautiful when you're in front of me, cursing at me and telling me you wish you never met me," jisung tells him. chenle closes his eyes. if there's anything he regrets in his life, it was telling jisung that.
"i know that when you first met me, you hated me. but the first time i saw you, i swear i fell in love. it's kind of ridiculous, actually," jisung says with a light laugh. "you can stop now," chenle tells him through a broken sob. "are you crying?" jisung asks, turning chenles chin so they're looking at each other.
jisung frowns when he sees chenles tears, gently using his fingers to wipe them away. chenle just lets him. "i wish you would believe me when i tell you how sorry i am," jisung sighs. chenle pouts.
"if all these things are true, i don't get why you slept with her," chenle says, his voice still broken. "i was upset, i wasn't thinking straight," jisung explains. "i know it was a stupid thing to do, but i think you know better than anyone that i am stupid. i didn't even consider how it would make you feel." jisungs words hang in the air, chenle laughs sadly.
"yeah, you are stupid," he tells jisung. "i swear on everything that i will never hurt you like that again. everything is for you, chenle, i swear," jisung says. chenle frowns.
"when i confessed to you, i said that i think i like you, but i don't know. that's not true," jisung admits. chenle furrows his eyebrows in confusion.
"the truth is that i do know. i know that i really love you." his words hit chenles heart like a punch, and he sighs, letting his head fall onto jisungs shoulder. jisung leans his head on top of chenles. "this is so stupid," chenle whispers, jisung frowns.
"i love you too," he adds. jisung moves so fast chenle almost falls. there's a wide smile on jisungs face when he looks at chenle. "you what?!" jisung asks, his voice full of excitement. "i'm not saying it again," chenle huffs. jisung laughs, and chenle can't help but smile lightly at jisungs wide grin.
"thank you," jisung says. chenle rolls his eyes, wiping his face from the tears. "whatever," he replies, looking down at his lap. jisung's still watching him. after a moment, chenle looks back up. "what?" he asks, confused. "can i kiss you?" jisung asks quietly. chenle goes speechless.
he looks at jisung for a long moment, trying to decide if he's joking or not. chenle thinks he's not. slowly, he nods. jisung smiles again and leans forward, before chenle can change his mind, jisungs lips are on his.
the stupid thing everyone says about fireworks and butterflies is true, at least for chenle it is. their lips fit perfectly, moving slowly in sync before jisung pulls back. he sighs dramatically, resting his head on chenles shoulder.
"so i guess we're boyfriends now," jisung says. chenle laughs. "you're so stupid," he says back. jisung shrugs. "you didn't deny it," he teases. chenle rolls his eyes. "do what you want," he says, embarrassed. jisung cheers loudly, throwing his arms in the air. chenle laughs.
"seriously though, if you fuck up again, you're actually dead," chenle warns, halting jisungs celebrations. "yes sir," jisung replies, wrapping his arms around chenles waist and pulling him close. chenle sighs, finally feeling happy for the first time in weeks.
"can we finally talk about whatever the fuck happened last week?" renjun asks at breakfast on saturday, like he'd been holding it in forever. chenle laughs and shrugs. "i'm dating jisung," he replies, his face flushing red as he shoves cereal into his mouth.
renjun jumps up, shouting happily, "no fucking way!" he pulls chenle out of his seat and hugs him. chenle laughs loudly. "stop, you're so embarrassing," chenle tells him.
"thank god this shit is finally over," renjun says. chenle rolls his eyes but couldn't agree more. "tell me all about it," chenle says, smirking.