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Izumi frowned as she looked in the mirror. She’d been on HRT for a little over 8 months now, and yet… very little had changed. Her nipples had puffed up, and maybe there was a little more fat on her chest and butt, but apart from that? She still had to shave green stubble from her cheeks every week, still had a veritable forest of hair along her arms and legs that she just couldn’t shave regularly because of how long it took, still had that masculine face and body she hated so much.
She looked exactly the same as she had when she first started.
She’d know, she’d been taking pictures of herself every month to keep track.
She sighed and ran her hands through her messy tangle of hair that was never quite as long as she wanted. She’d been doing everything right, splitting up her doses and taking her estrogen sublingually to circumvent the first pass effect, and yet it was almost like she was taking a placebo. Yes, she knew these things took time, but come on . There were people who had been on it for far less time than her that had better results, even people who had never been on it at all!
At this point it was starting to feel personal, like some higher entity singled her out specifically and decreed that she wasn’t allowed to be happy in her body. Her endocrinologist had tried to encourage her last time they spoke, pointing out a minute, possibly nonexistent, softening of her face, but looking in the mirror now, all she could see was the same face that had stared back at her for years.
She shook her head and pulled on her clothes. Now wasn’t the time to worry about all that. She had an exciting day ahead, after all! Her and her friends had finally been given permission to leave campus for the day - with teacher supervision, of course - and they planned to make the most of it; going shopping, eating lunch, and capping it all off with a movie in the evening.
It was going to be a good day. She couldn’t let some dysphoria steal this from her as well.
It already occupied enough of her thoughts, thank you very much.
Glancing down, Izumi checked over her outfit for the day. It was nothing special, just a shirt, t-shirt, and jeans. It wasn’t like she was happy with it, exactly; a part of her desperately wanted to wear femme clothing, to really look and feel like a girl, but… she’d tried that, once or twice, and hated how she looked wearing skirts. She wasn’t sure what it was - she wanted to wear them, so badly - but as she was now… she just didn’t look good at all. It was like a mockery, of the clothes and of herself, and it would only make her feel worse anyway.
So she stuck to the kinds of clothes she wore before she came out. Simple, plain, mostly masculine outfits. She was fine with that.
Really, she was.
Besides, they served another function: they covered up her arms and legs. More than anything, Izumi hated having her arms and legs exposed, hated anyone being able to see her hairy limbs. So she covered them up. She wore long sleeves and trousers even in the height of summer; no matter how hot it got, she would rather get heat stroke than have even an inch of skin exposed beyond that which was absolutely necessary. Her mom worried about this, of course, but this was one concession she refused to make.
Fortunately, it was an autumn day; sunny, but cool enough to warrant her extra layer. And so, as satisfied as she could be with her outfit, she left her bedroom behind and walked downstairs to meet with her friends.
“Deku-chan!” Uraraka-san called out as Izumi wandered downstairs. She’d come out of the closet with her class not long after they moved into dorms, and she was grateful that no one had a problem with it or, if they did, they kept it to themselves.
“I’m glad that you are punctual, Midoriya-k- uh, -san!” Iida-kun greeted her, and she smiled a little that Iida-kun was breaking his speech patterns for her, to make her more comfortable.
Todoroki-kun said nothing, but nodded to her as she approached their small gathering.
“Thanks guys,” she smiled, “I’m really excited for today!”
“Same!” Uraraka-san chirped, before drooling, “I can’t wait to get to the sweets store… see all that mochi…”
“Uraraka-kun! You mustn’t spoil your lunch with sweets!” Iida-kun lectured, his hands chopping through the air to emphasise his point, “It would be unbecoming of a future hero!”
“I’m not gonna eat it all immediately ,” she shot back, “I have some self-control!”
“She’ll wait at least five minutes, of course.” Todoroki-kun’s voice was dry as ever, but the small quirk of his lips was enough of an indicator of his joke.
They chuckled as Uraraka-san turned bright red, but didn’t deny anything, and Izumi cut in with, “How about you, Todoroki-kun? What’re you looking forward to buying?”
“I won’t be buying anything.” He shook his head, “My father , on the other hand… I believe he’s developed a taste for mochi and All Might merchandise.”
Izumi laughed and Uraraka-san gasped at the implications of that statement, even while Iida-kun desperately tried to lecture the other boy on the importance of healthy spending habits, a regular topic he often went over with the three of them, as impulsive as they could sometimes be. Even Uraraka-san, who was more frugal than most, couldn’t resist the allure of a box of mochi.
“A-anyway,” Izumi interrupted the lecture, scratching her cheek, “does anyone know who’s meant to be chaperoning us today?”
They each glanced at each other with similar expressions of confusion, but their attention was quickly drawn by the doors to the building slamming open, and a familiar voice calling, “I Am…”
All Might slid around the corner, skeletal form still looming over them all, “HERE! To escort Midoriya-shoujo and her friends into the city!”
Izumi grinned; a day out with her friends AND her favourite hero? Who also happened to be her mentor? Screw dysphoria, this was going to be the best day ever !
Musutafu was bright and busy on that Sunday afternoon, and every shop they went into was packed with people browsing. As always, Todoroki-kun was generous enough to share Endeavor’s card with them all, but they made sure to rein in their spending just a little; the last thing they wanted was for the card to be cut off, after all.
Their first stop, by Uraraka-san’s frenzied demand, was her favourite local sweet shop. It sold all sorts of traditional sweet treats, including a wide range of homemade mochi that Izumi was half convinced her friend loved more than life itself. True to her nature as ever, the brown-haired girl made a beeline for the mochi section, umming and ahhing over the multitude of flavours. Izumi, who was trying to follow All Might’s diet and preferred savoury flavours anyway, didn’t pick up anything for herself, but Iida-kun chose a small bag of orange-flavoured boiled sweets, while Todoroki-kun picked up some, apparently, extremely sour sweets for himself.
All of that paled, however, in comparison to the large box of mochi Uraraka-san bought, one that seemingly held three of every flavour - and there were quite a few flavours. Sure enough, they had barely walked out of the shop before she started tucking in to her favourite sweet treats, despite Iida-kun’s lecturing.
Next, they took a trip to Musutafu’s largest hero store, a place Izumi often went on her own to explore the aisles of new merch. She was practically frothing at the mouth by the time they arrived, and she all-but zoomed off the minute they stepped over the threshold, wasting no time in searching through the new arrivals to look for anything she hadn’t yet collected. While her collection still consisted primarily of All Might merch, she’d started to branch out since coming to know the man himself, and now had a healthy collection of merch from all manner of heroes, from Miruko to the Wild Wild Pussycats and everyone in between.
While Izumi wandered around her own personal haven, trailed by All Might who was embarrassed to see his own face everywhere, Uraraka-san was on the lookout for merch featuring her favourite rescue heroes, Iida-kun was surreptitiously checking out the small Ingenium section, and Todoroki-kun was getting to work piling his cart high with all the All Might merch he could find.
It was an odd sort of rebellion, but if it worked for him, who was Izumi to judge?
They spent quite a while in the store, and eventually she had to be dragged away holding only two bags full of merch, including a new Miruko hoodie with bunny ears that were nothing like her own hero costume, thank you very much Uraraka-san.
By that point, the sun was quite high in the sky, and they were all quite hungry from their shopping spree. So, upon All Might’s recommendation, they made their way to an American-style diner that boasted of their gargantuan burgers. Izumi, upon her mentor’s urging, opted for the biggest, greasiest burger on the menu, the Godfather, while Uraraka-san chose a smaller but still ludicrously sized mountain of bacon and cheese known as the Whole Hog. More conservatively, Todoroki-kun chose a bowl of mac and cheese, while Iida-kun, ever the stick in the mud, chose a salad, but was joined in this endeavour by All Might, whose missing stomach could no longer process any amount of grease as he once did.
By the time they finished with their late lunch, Izumi and Uraraka-san were stuffed, and even the boys looked a little full. Still, they had one more thing on the agenda: seeing a movie at the cinema. There had been a fierce debate over what movie they should see, with Izumi and Todoroki-kun arguing in favour of seeing a rerun of an old All Might flick, while Uraraka-san and Iida-kun’s vote was for… ‘literally anything else’. Unfortunately, with the man himself with them, it felt too awkward to see an All Might movie, and so they all opted instead for the latest animated family movie, which was something no one minded watching.
After grabbing their snacks, which were far lighter than usual thanks to their ridiculous lunch, they settled into their seats. As the adverts and trailers started, however, insidious thoughts began to creep into Izumi’s head. They snuck up on her out of nowhere, taking advantage of her wandering mind, before suddenly latching onto her and assaulting her with a severe wave of dysphoria.
God , she hated her body, every single inch of it. She hated the hair that grew across it, that forced her to shave her face every week to fight against the tide of stubble. She hated how masculine it was, how it forced her to boymode lest she hate how she looked in feminine clothes. She hated her stupid hormones and stupid HRT and the stupid promises they made about how they would change her. She hated her stupid flat chest and puffy nipples. She hated those people online that could look so effortlessly good, who could pass as easily as breathing, and she hated that she couldn’t.
And then her thoughts spiralled further into anxious self-loathing, because what if ? What if it doesn’t get better, what if the hormones continued to do nothing ? What if she was stuck in this accursed body forever and ever until the day she died? What if she ended up looking awful?
Because it wasn’t enough for her to be seen as a girl by her friends and family, no, she needed to be a girl, to be recognised as one wherever she went without having to wear a giant pronouns pin that was practically a neon sign saying ‘I’m a vulnerable target’. She needed to pass, and nothing was working. Make-up made no sense to her, no matter how much the other girls tried to explain it, and shaving was a Sisyphean task that just felt pointless when nothing changed .
The movie started, and Izumi tried to push those thoughts down, tried to immerse herself into the story, but she just couldn’t . It was too similar, too familiar, too like plenty of other movies she’d seen, and her thoughts continued to gnaw away at her mind, scrabbling and clawing inside her head and making her miserable, no matter how hard she tried to distract herself. She could feel Midoriya tears prick at the corners of her eyes, but forced them back: her day was already ruined, but she’d be damned if she ruined everyone else’s.
Nearly two hours later, their group was walking out of the cinema. Izumi’s mood hadn’t improved, and the thoughts were as vicious as ever, so she trailed behind her friends as they wandered towards the train station. She was quiet, not trusting herself to talk, and All Might noticed, as he drifted over to her and walked by her side.
“Are you alright, my girl?” He muttered, not loud enough for the others to overhear.
Izumi didn’t even think about lying, instead merely shaking her head and hoarsely muttering, “I… j-just want to get home.” She refused to talk about this in public, and she was afraid that if she started, she’d start crying, and never stop.
It was a special kind of cruelty, she thought. Not only was her body wrong, but her brain was broken as well. Wonderful .
The journey back to UA was one of the longest of her life, and although All Might’s hand on her shoulder helped, it still took all of her willpower not to burst into tears there and then. As the school slowly came into view, however, Izumi could feel her grip on her emotions slipping, and she was sure her mentor could see it too, as her eyes were burning with tears begging to be shed. As they walked through the gates, and reached the crossroads leading to either the dorms or the main building, the man made some excuse to her friends and they went their separate ways. Izumi followed her mentor mutely as he led her into UA, and towards their meeting room.
The second the door closed shut behind her, Izumi’s control slipped. Fat, wet tears streamed down her cheeks as she sobbed loudly, and when the man pulled her into his embrace, she only sobbed more, drenching his shirt.
“I’m here, my girl,” he muttered, running bony hands through her hair, “I’ve got you, it’s okay.”
“I-I…” she stammered, choking on the air as she tried to cry and speak at the same time, “I had a r-really bad wave of dysphoria before the movie a-and-” she cut herself off with a loud sob, and All Might guided her towards the couch, where she latched onto his side and cried harder, every dysphoric thought streaming through her mind too fast for her to catch.
Midoriyas were known for their crying, but never like this. Her wails were mournful, her eyes streamed with salty tears, and she clung onto her mentor as if her life depended on it.
“It’s okay, my girl.” The man continued, gently working through the knots in her hair with a deft hand, “You are so strong, and so beautiful…”
The words were meant to be comforting, she knew this, but they never felt that way. Izumi didn’t feel beautiful, she never did, even on her best days. She knew how awful she looked, and she hated when people told her anything otherwise, as it felt like a comforting lie, one that completely denied the evidence of their eyes. They knew as well as she did that she didn’t pass, so lying to her and saying she did was the last thing she needed.
But she had no words to convey this, not now, so she simply cried harder, wailing sobs of despair that expressed how hopeless she felt about it all, how much she hated feeling this way, and hated that there was nothing she could do to stop it.
She couldn’t tell how long she lay there for, crying into the shirt of the former number one hero, but eventually her crying abated, the time between sobs lengthening, before she ended up just… laying there, drained and lifeless. All Might muttered something about fetching her some water, and gently shifted her off of him, laying her back down on the sofa. When he returned, she drank it down in one, despite it being lukewarm and not particularly pleasant.
He said nothing more, simply sitting by her side. She appreciated that; her head was too fuzzy to talk, and there was nothing he could say or do that would make her feel better about the situation. If there was a magic pill he could give her or a Quirk that could be used on her that would change her body the way she wanted , then maybe he could help, but… if there was, she would have heard about it already.
Eventually, Izumi made her way back to the dorms, though All Might fretted over her the whole way back. She returned to her dorm without a word, completely and utterly exhausted. Before she could go to bed, however, she had to take her HRT. She swallowed down her spiro with a grimace at the taste, before sticking two estradiol under her tongue.
Maybe one day they’d do something.