Nothing More, Nothing Less

by blacktofade

Summary:

Gem's birth control fails after her night with Bdubs and Etho at a convention.

Notes:

Started writing this almost immediately after finishing Surprise and it ran away with me. I'm still so obsessed with Gem and Etho and I will forever be hungry for RPF, so it's a match made in heaven.

Title is from Must be Love by Madness.

Gem works up the nerve to message Bdubs on a Tuesday.

Can we talk? she asks, and then feels so nauseated that she has to pace the length of her office while she waits.

It takes less than two minutes for him to reply, but it feels like a lifetime.

Anything for you, he says, and the nausea gets worse.

We need privacy, she adds, just in case that's not clear, and she can sense the excitement in his reply.

Give me 5!!

She almost feels bad.

But he calls her a few minutes later, sounding slightly out of breath, the noise of birds in the background, as though he’s down at the end of his yard.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he drawls, so smooth that her stomach clenches tightly. “What’s up?”

Gem swallows and stares across the room at the spider plant she has crawling up along her windowsill. She has no idea how to say what she needs to and the silence draws out.

“Did I lose you?” Bdubs asks, voice slightly muffled like he’s pulled his phone away to check the screen.

“No, I’m here,” Gem promises. “I just — ”

“Everything okay?”

Gem takes a breath. “My period is late.”

Bdubs is quiet, almost for long enough that Gem wants to check her own phone to see if the call has dropped, but then he makes a thoughtful sound.

“How late?”

“Like two weeks?”

There's another noise from Bdubs. “Could it — ” he starts, but Gem sighs.

“I’ve been pretty regular my whole life,” she tells him, because she’s been through this with herself. She’s been soaking in the waters of denial for longer than she’d like to admit.

“Okay,” Bdubs replies, quiet, measured, like he’s taking his time thinking about what he might say next. “Have you taken a test?”

“Not yet.”

“Let's not jump to conclusions,” he says, voice so gentle, so kind it almost gives her hope. “Let's figure out what we're working with and go from there, okay?”

She didn't expect him to yell, but she didn't expect him to take the news well.

“I don't know if I'd want to keep it,” she says in a rush, feeling like she has to get it out there, and Bdubs makes a soft, pained noise.

“There’s no need to make any decisions right now, Tay. One step at a time.”

She doesn't know if she can blame pregnancy hormones, but she finds her eyes welling at the softness of Bdubs’ voice, the overwhelmingness of the situation. She knows Bdubs has done this multiple times now with his own kids — he’s experienced the surprise, the point where he’d had to decide their future.

In all honesty, she’s terrified. She has no idea what would happen, how her life would go if the test comes up positive. She has no idea how Bdubs’ life would go if it does. She knows they were playing with fire with the affair, but she never expected to be burned by it so quickly.

He won’t leave his family, she knows for certain. It’s too big of a risk. She’ll have to go it alone and that —

She hiccups, trying to bite it back as her tears begin to fall.

“Oh, hey now,” he says at her first sniffle. “It's okay, sweetheart, we'll get this figured out.”

“I know,” she replies, wiping at her face with one hand, trying to collect herself. “You're just so calm.”

He lets out a laugh, sharp and surprised. “Is this where I tell you that's my secret? I'm always scared and terrified and anxious about the future?”

Gem laughs in return, drawing in an unsteady breath. “Thanks, John.”

“This is just life,” he tells her and as much as it would feel condescending coming from anyone else, from him, it feels like the reminder she needs right now.

She's normal. These things happen. One step at a time.

“I'm gonna go to the store,” she tells him. “Can I call again when I get the results?”

“Of course you can,” Bdubs replies. “I'm around all day. Just shoot me a message and I'll make time for you.”

“Thanks,” Gem says gently and Bdubs makes a soft sound.

“Look, I should head inside, but let me know when you’re back, okay?”

“Yeah,” she agrees. “I will.”

She hangs up before he can hear her start to cry again, a tiny spark of hope in her chest that they might be able to figure it all out and minimize the damage.

It's not the end of the world.

*

The test rests on her bathroom counter and no matter how long she waits, the result doesn’t change.

She’s been sitting on the floor crying for the last fifteen minutes, which she thinks Bdubs can tell when he finally calls.

“It’s okay,” he promises, but his voice is tight, stressed, and Gem presses a hand over her eyes, starting to cry again.

“It’s positive,” she retorts, because there’s not a single thing that’s okay about that.

She’s fucked. And she dreads the thought of taking down Bdubs with her.

“It’s okay,” Bdubs repeats and Gem draws in a heaving breath.

“Which part of this is okay? This is — ”

“There’s always a choice,” Bdubs tells her, gentle enough that she almost believes him. “Even when it might not feel like it.”

“How?”

“It’ll take time,” Bdubs says. “You need to sit and think about what it is you want, but only you can do that.”

Gem has no idea what she wants these days. She’s been sleeping with a married man. She’s not a beacon of good choices and definitely shouldn’t be trusted with whatever kid is the product of it.

“Look, Gem,” he continues before correcting himself. “Taylor. Nicole — y’know my wife — she and I made a choice a while back.”

“You told her about me?” Gem asks and she can almost hear Bdubs shaking his head.

“No, no, this isn’t about what we did,” he explains and there’s a rasp like he’s scratching at his stubble. “We made a choice about our family. About the fact that we didn’t want to expand it any further.”

“Okay?” Gem replies, not sure she’s going to like what he’s about to say.

“So, I’m not in the business of having kids these days.”

Gem frowns and takes a breath. “I’m not going to tell your wife if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No, Tay, I mean it’s highly unlikely that it’s mine,” he tells her. “I had a vasectomy two years ago.”

Gem freezes, hand pressed to her forehead as she tries to remember how to breathe.

She’s aware of Bdubs still talking — saying something about getting a test for his sperm count to be sure — but everything sounds muffled, like she’s miles away from her own body.

Bdubs didn’t knock her up and there’s only one other person she’s been with since then.

“Oh,” she says weakly, drawing her knees to her chest, her face feeling hot but the rest of her body feeling ice cold.

“I’m so sorry,” Bdubs murmurs, so careful that it’s almost as though he’s right there with her. “Tay, I — ”

But they both know there’s not much he can say. He can’t apologize on Etho’s behalf.

A feeling of nausea rolls through Gem, saliva flooding her mouth, and she knows what’s coming.

“I gotta go,” she says abruptly, and she can hear Bdubs protesting on the other end of the line as she hangs up, and she barely manages to lean over far enough to vomit in the toilet.

She’s pregnant with Etho’s baby and she’s never even seen his face.

*

Bdubs is suspiciously quiet on Discord. He shares a report from his doctor showing there’s no sperm detected in his most recent sample, but then their DMs fall silent.

Gem tries her best to continue her routine.

She makes videos and streams, and spends enough late nights on the server terraforming that Impulse actually asks if she's okay.

She's not, but she tells him she's been feeling inspired. And two days later, she visits her doctor, who confirms with another test that Gem's 100% pregnant.

Based on her last cycle, she's just over eight weeks in, and Gem’s proud that she doesn’t cry again, but her voice still wavers when she admits, “I’m not sure I want to keep it.”

Her doctor is gentle, sympathetic, doesn’t make her feel judged for her shitty life choices.

“You have options,” she tells Gem, hands folded in her lap, sitting across from her. “This early on, a non-invasive option for you would be medication that you can take at home. You would take a dose of mifepristone and follow it up a day or so after with a dose of misoprostol.”

Gem nods, none of it really making sense, fingers digging into her thighs. “How, uh, bad would it be?”

“Cramping is expected once you take the misoprostol,” her doctor explains, “and you would most likely experience some heavier bleeding. I would recommend taking a couple of days for yourself to rest.”

Gem can’t really imagine doing that — she’d probably edit her way through the pain and pretend everything was normal. But it still seems like a better option than having something jammed through her cervix.

“You said I can take these at home?” she asks and her doctor nods.

“You’d take the first dose here, but the misoprostol could be taken wherever you're most comfortable. We can get that set up today if you feel you’ve decided.”

Gem hesitates, and it’s clear her doctor notices.

“You’re allowed time to think about this,” she says gently. “You can schedule another appointment a few days from now when you feel more confident with your choice.”

The problem is that once the doubt wriggles its way into her mind, she can’t shift it.

Etho doesn’t even know. Other than Bdubs, no one knows her situation. And yet she's meant to know whether she's making the right decision. Sometimes she can't even figure out what she wants for breakfast. How can she be trusted with this?

She can feel the panic starting to bubble up and she knows it won't be pretty when it spills out.

“I think I need some time,” she admits, voice quiet.

“This is a big decision,” her doctor agrees. “It's not easy. Let me find some resources for you.”

Gem swallows back her tears and nods.

*

She cries in her car, fingers clenched around the pamphlets her doctor had given her. There’s one tucked amongst them about contraception choices — as though she hadn’t already been on the pill, had apparently put too much trust in it. It feels like judgment she doesn’t need, and she knows it’s an irrational thought, but it’s still there.

She failed to stay safe and now she’s failing to fix her mistake.

It feels fitting as it starts to rain outside and she rests her forehead on the steering wheel, taking a shuddering breath. She gives herself five more minutes, listening to the drumming on the car roof before she sits up and reaches for her phone.

Doctor confirmed it, she messages Bdubs, knowing he won’t need context to understand.

She stares at the screen for a long moment, wondering how much more she should share.

We talked about options, she types out and then deletes it. Not sure I’ll keep it.

She deletes that too, dropping her phone into her lap and wiping at her face, which feels tight and uncomfortable. She’s exhausted and it’s not even noon.

Her phone lights up with a new message.

Here if you need to talk, Bdubs says, and quickly follows it up with, You need to tell him.

He’s right — she needs to, especially if she wants to get rid of it. He at least deserves to know.

She just needs to work up the courage.

I will, she sends back and then tosses her phone to the passenger seat and starts her car.

It’s just not happening today.

*

Gem’s always wanted kids — they’re part of her ten year plan, just after finding a partner and settling down. Her last girlfriend had stuck around for just under a year before the relationship had sizzled out, but it had been nice while it lasted. They’d even had the conversation — Nia had wanted at least two and Gem had been amenable to the idea.

The thought of doing it unplanned and alone feels like too much, but knowing the father is Etho feels even worse. He’s practically a stranger.

She has no idea what she’d even write on the birth certificate. First name, Etho, last name, Slab? There’s no universe she can imagine where he’d freely give his name. He’d probably be thankful that she wouldn’t be able to track him down. Not without hiring some kind of private investigator anyway.

Opening Discord and staring at Etho’s stupid default icon becomes part of Gem’s daily routine.

They’ve never sent each other a DM before, which somehow makes it even worse.

Hey Etho! she imagines writing, Remember when we fucked last month? Well, I have a one of a kind surprise for you in return! I’m having your baby!

Instead, she types out, Hey Etho! Are you free for a call? and hits send before she can change her mind.

And then she waits. And waits.

She has no idea if he doesn't see it, or if he's actively ignoring her because either way his Discord status remains hidden.

The anxiety of waiting, combined with the joys of morning sickness — which she's quickly found out isn't just a morning thing but more of an all day, every day thing — has her puking twice that afternoon.

The thought of food rolls her stomach so badly she skips dinner, and she sleeps fitfully that night, plagued with dreams about waking up to his call, having to fumble her way through the truth while off guard.

But when she wakes the next morning, there's still no response.

Gem doesn't push it — why would she? It's not as though she wants to have that conversation with him. So she lets it sit unanswered and she thinks about how much easier it'll be to ask forgiveness than permission.

She never finds the courage to schedule a follow-up appointment with her doctor to get rid of her problem.

Instead, she schedules her first prenatal check-up and hopes life will be kind to her.

*

She takes her first picture at twelve weeks, standing in front of the full-length mirror she has beside her closet.

With her shirt tucked up, it looks more like she’s just had a good meal, but apparently the baby is the size of a lemon.

She doesn’t send the photo to anyone, not even Bdubs.

*

At sixteen weeks, she tells her parents. She doesn’t tell them everything, just hints that it’s because of someone she’d been seeing casually, that it hadn’t worked out for them.

Apart from having a million questions, they take the news surprisingly well.

Most of their concerns seem to be about her post-birth life and work — which she still has no plan for. Just a hope and maybe a prayer. But they know she’s financially stable enough to do the best she can. And she knows it could be worse — she could be eighteen and still living at home. She's at least waited a little while before fucking up her life.

“As long as you’re happy with the choice,” her mom tells her, drawing her in for a hug, and her dad’s eyes are suspiciously wet.

“Thanks, Mom,” she murmurs as she tucks her face into her shoulder. “I am.”

*

Hey, Etho messages. Just updated the app and saw this. Sorry. Still need that call? lol

It's a Thursday, she's seventeen and a half weeks pregnant, and she's halfway through getting ready for bed. Etho officially has the worst timing ever.

The nausea has slowly subsided as she's slipped into her second trimester, but there's a queasiness she can't escape as she stares at her phone.

It's a polite response. Just one coworker talking to another. Nothing more.

Actually yeah, she writes back before he has time to miss it. Let me grab my earbuds.

He reacts to it with a fucking thumbs up emoji and Gem wonders if she can convince herself she's having Bdubs’ miracle child instead.

“Hey hey,” he answers when she eventually calls a few minutes later, and he sounds surprisingly chipper, maybe even happy to hear from her. Not as though he's been stewing over their hookup from months ago and what it might mean for them now. Maybe he doesn't regret a thing.

She'll change that.

“Hey,” she greets. “How are you?”

“I'm fine. It's late for you, isn't it?” he says, as though only just realizing. “Don't you usually go to bed early?”

“It is,” Gem agrees. “I do.”

“I'm sorry I missed your message. You should've said something on the server. We can chat tomorrow if you'd like. I should be around in the morning.”

“It's fine,” she lies and he makes a noise as though he doesn't buy it. “I'd rather talk now.”

That's another lie because she'd rather not talk at all.

“What's up?” he asks and Gem closes her eyes and takes a breath.

She just has to get the words out.

“Something happened after the con,” she starts, before adding, “with Bdubs.”

As though she could ever possibly be referencing any other con.

There’s a pointed silence from Etho as though absorbing the information. “His wife?” he presumes and Gem wishes he was right. It would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with.

“No, uh.” She pauses and exhales in a rush. “My birth control failed.”

He goes quiet again.

“That was months ago,” he says eventually, voice cold in a way she’s never heard before.

“Yeah,” she agrees, and doesn’t offer an explanation. She doesn’t owe him anything.

“You’re okay now?” His automatic assumption seems to be that she’s dealt with it. Or maybe it’s a heavy handed hint about what he’d prefer.

Gem swallows. “I had a sixteen week check-up recently.”

“You kept it.” It’s not a question and there’s judgment in his tone. “Does Bdubs know?”

“Yeah,” Gem replies, “he knows.”

“Is it his?”

One last bandaid to rip off.

“He can’t have kids.”

There’s another long silence.

“He already has two.” He says it as though she’s an idiot. Or maybe he thinks Bdubs has been trying to pull the wool over her eyes.

“Obviously,” she snaps back, patience frayed — maybe by pregnancy hormones, maybe by the situation. “He had a vasectomy years ago. He sent me proof.”

She can almost hear the cogs turning in Etho’s brain.

“So, it’s mine,” he confirms. “And you didn’t tell me until now.”

“Yes.” She’s not apologizing. She fucked up, but she’s only human. She’s been dealing with a lot and he’ll get over it.

“Fucking unbelievable,” he says and the shock of hearing Etho curse, hearing him sound genuinely angry for the first time distracts from the fact that the line goes suspiciously quiet.

When she finally glances at her phone, she finds he’s ended their call. He’s hung up on her.

She laughs, harder than she thinks she should, one hand grounded on the curve of her stomach. She gets it. She understands his anger and can’t fault him for it.

But he’s an adult — he’ll cool down eventually. She just needs to give him a little space.

She opens her DMs with Bdubs.

Told Etho, she says. He took it as expected lol

She doesn’t expect a response. He’s probably putting his kids to bed. She just wants him to know.

She tugs her earbuds out, dropping them and her phone on the bed as she pushes herself to her feet. She’s too exhausted for any other curveballs life might throw at her. She’s going to finish getting ready for bed and sleep to make sure nothing else can happen.

*

Gem keeps an ultrasound printout taped to the bottom of her monitor. It’s tucked where no one can possibly see when she streams, but she finds herself glancing down at it and smiling more often than not now.

Despite her anxiety, there’s an excitement growing within her too.

Especially so when her twenty-one week scan reveals she’s having a boy.

Gem would be happy with anything and everything, but it’s the fact that when she brackets her stomach with her hands and stares at the screen, it feels so much more tangible. She can start thinking about names. She can maybe even buy some of the onesies that have started being advertised to her online. She can buy furniture for the future nursery.

Because she’s having a baby.

She sends a photo to Bdubs, just to let him know. And then as an afterthought, she sends it to Etho too.

If he doesn’t want updates, he can tell her himself. Or he can block her. She doesn’t care which.

She doesn’t hear from him, but Bdubs sends her a string of excited emojis that makes her laugh. At least she can always count on him.

*

Around twenty-three weeks, when her feet are stupidly swollen and her back is starting to ache in earnest, her doorbell rings.

Winnie sits up from a dead sleep at the end of the couch, barking as she jumps down and trots toward the front door.

When Gem heaves herself up and follows, checking the peephole and expecting it to be her parents, it’s a man she doesn’t recognize.

She’s not in the habit of answering for strangers, and these days, she doesn’t have the patience to be solicited.

“C’mon, Winnie,” she says, turning away and heading back in the direction of the kitchen, because if she’s up, she may as well make a mug of tea to help with her heartburn. She won’t let it be a waste of energy.

Winnie falls quiet, but sits in the hallway and doesn’t move.

The doorbell rings again while the kettle is boiling and, apparently being the most insistent door-to-door salesman in the area, he knocks when she’s lowering herself back onto the couch with a sigh.

On the coffee table, her phone blinks with a new notification.

She rests the mug on her knee as she unlocks her phone, opening Discord to see who’s messaged her.

There are two missed voice calls from Etho and a message in their DMs.

Are you home?

She blinks at it as her doorbell rings for a third time.

There’s no way. That would be — insane.

She sets her mug on a coaster and pushes herself up again, one hand on her stomach as she slowly makes her way back to the front door.

The man is still outside when she looks through the peephole, and although the fisheye distortion doesn’t help, she can see he’s pretty tall. Maybe in the six foot range. Maybe in the Etho range.

There isn’t anything remarkable about his appearance — he has brown hair, blue eyes, and a decent amount of stubble — but he’s wearing a flannel shirt that fits well across his shoulders. Those could be the same broad shoulders that had been between her legs.

She steps back, hands trembling as she opens their DMs.

Is that you? she sends and finds herself holding her breath as she waits.

After a moment, a voice — muffled through the door but distinctly familiar — asks, “Gem?”

Gem unlocks the door and pulls it open, her whole body feeling slack with surprise.

“Hey, Gem,” the man — Etho — says and Gem swallows.

She doesn’t think she would’ve been disappointed seeing Etho in Bdubs’ hotel room all those months ago.

“Hi, Etho.” Her voice is strangled and her knuckles ache where she’s gripping the door for support.

For a brief moment, his gaze drops, like he’s trying to see her belly, but Gem’s dressed for comfort, not visitors. Which is when she realizes what she’s wearing — an oversized shirt, stretchy shorts, and knee-length compression socks.

She glances down at herself, feeling herself begin to flush. “Sorry,” she starts, but Etho quickly shakes his head.

“No, no, it’s fine. You’re fine.”

She supposes he’s right — he’s the one intruding. He’s the one who tracked down her address from god knows where, hopped on a flight, and showed up on her doorstep like an actual lunatic.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” she asks weakly, and he at least has the decency to look embarrassed.

“Can I come in?”

She can’t send him away — he looks fresh off the goddamn plane, and his expression hints that maybe this is as far as his plan had gone.

She steps back, holding the door open wider and his shoulders sag as though relieved.

Without a word, he stoops to grab the duffel bag that’s by his feet and eases past, feeling intimidatingly big beside her. For all that she’s had him crowded over her, it feels so much worse when she can actually see.

But the most devastating part is that he smells the same. It’s the same deodorant as before, the same slight hint of sweat.

She closes the door behind them, locking it again, and when she turns, he’s cautiously offering a hand to Winnie for her to sniff. She ignores it, settling instead for pushing into his space and wiggling like she’s never met another human in her life.

At the first touch from him, she drops to the floor, rolling over to offer her belly, officially the worst guard dog on the planet.

Strangely, it feels a little as though Gem’s done the same by immediately letting Etho in.

She glances away.

“Take off your boots,” she tells him and then steps around them both to wander back into the living room.

If they’re going to have this conversation, she wants to be off her feet.

When Etho eventually wanders in, Winnie’s following him like they’re new best friends. He’s no longer carrying his bag, presumably left by his shoes, and his socks are covered in bright polka dots. It feels like a huge disconnect from the Etho she knows and this man in her apartment.

He glances around, clearly figuring out the details of her life and she grabs her tea, taking a large swallow because if anything will give her heartburn, it’ll be this.

Eventually, he stands on the opposite side of the coffee table, like he can’t remember how to be human, and stares at her.

“Sit,” she orders and he does. Winnie follows suit and Gem wishes it wasn’t so funny.

Her couch feels smaller than it usually does and he sets his hands on his knees and watches Winnie instead of making eye contact again.

“You look good,” he says and she sighs, taking another sip of her drink.

“I feel like shit.”

He glances over, brows drawn together like he might actually care.

“I’m sorry for what I said before — how I acted,” he tells her, which she doesn’t expect, but she appreciates.

“You could’ve just called me to say that.”

“I — ” he starts and then pauses. “It felt like something we should talk about in person.”

He’s probably right, though there were definitely more normal ways to go about it.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” she tries instead, and his gaze shifts around her face.

“Because you would’ve told me not to.”

It’s true. She would’ve done everything possible to have avoided this situation.

She takes another mouthful of her drink and then sets it aside for the rest to go cold.

“We should’ve talked about this months ago,” she relents and Etho scratches at his stubble and nods.

“Yeah,” he agrees, but falls silent.

“How'd you get my address?”

After a moment, he admits, “I said I'd find you.”

She remembers. When they’d been together with Bdubs. In the tiny sliver of afterglow before he'd left, he'd told her that he'd find her.

“I didn't think you meant it in a stalker way.”

He grunts and rubs at the side of his head. “There's a lot of information available online,” is all he says and Gem wonders if she should be concerned.

“But I still don’t know anything about you. Well, apart from the fact that you’re a sharpshooter,” she says bluntly.

Etho shifts and for a fraction of a second, Gem thinks he’s going to get up and leave, but instead, he reaches into his back pocket for his wallet. She has no idea what he’s planning, what’s going through his mind, until he pulls out his license and holds it out to her.

Her heart thuds as she holds his gaze for a long moment, before finally looking down and taking it from him.

It has all of his information — full name, address, the fact that his height is actually listed as 6’3”. Worst of all, it has a photo of Etho that is so ridiculous, she’s a little sad she can’t share it with the rest of the Hermits.

“Huh,” she says quietly, trying to play it cool. “You look like a real nerd on this.”

“Yeah,” Etho agrees. “It’s from a few years ago.”

That feels like an understatement. It looks like he's in his early twenties.

His face has definitely filled out since then and the stubble he has now suits him better than being clean-shaven.

She hands the ID back to him, thinking about how strange it is that everything fits together now — she has a face for the voice and a name for the face. And everything somehow seems to suit him.

He puts it back in his wallet, which he sets on the coffee table instead of putting back in his pocket, like he plans on staying.

“Did you fly in today?” she asks and he nods.

“Came here from the airport.”

“When’s your return flight?”

“Sunday,” he tells her, which means he’s only staying for a few days.

She has no idea how much of that time he’ll want to spend talking with her, or maybe while he’s here, he’ll want to visit parts of Canada he’s never seen before.

“Did you find a hotel nearby?”

Etho’s expression shifts. “I haven’t made any reservations yet.”

“Do you need Bdubs to do it for you?”

It’s an unnecessary comment, Gem knows, but she’s uncomfortable and stressed and —

“I’ll be right back,” she tells him, easing herself to the edge of the couch, knees popping as she starts to stand.

Etho gets to his feet, like he’s thinking about helping her, but when she glances over at him, he keeps his hands to himself and after a moment, sits back down without a word.

She can feel his gaze on her as she leaves the room, but she doesn’t look back, instead heads toward the bathroom.

The baby’s started leaning on her bladder more often and it’s destroying her patience and her mood. She’s kind of an asshole to be around now.

As she washes her hands after, her reflection in the mirror looks exhausted — which she is. Her sleep has been getting worse and she knows it’s only the beginning. She still has months to go.

“Sorry,” she apologizes when she finally returns, and he looks up from his phone. She wonders if he’s looking at hotels already. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It was kinda funny,” Etho concedes, the corner of his mouth twitching and Gem sighs as she sits beside him again, one hand to her stomach as the baby shifts — still not used to the sensation.

“I only have this couch,” she tells him, “but you’re welcome to it.”

It’s not made for sleeping, let alone for guys over six foot. But she figures she can offer something for what she's put him through.

Etho shakes his head. “I'll find something, don't worry.”

He offers her a small smile, something genuine, and Gem can’t handle it.

“I'm sorry for everything,” Gem blurts out before she can talk herself out of it. “I should've told you about this sooner.”

Etho pauses and Gem’s throat gets tighter the longer he watches her silently.

“It took me a long time to realize I wanted to keep it,” she continues, and she has to look away, down at her knees. “I got real close to getting rid of him.”

She doesn't need him to accept her apology. She just needs him to know.

“Do you regret it?” he asks eventually, and she glances back up at him.

It's a harsh question, but he deserves an answer.

“Keeping him? No.” She touches her stomach again, needing reassurance, and his gaze drops to watch her.

“Then you made the right choice.”

Gem never realized how much she needed to hear it from him, because her eyes well up before she can stop them and she swallows thickly.

She glances over to the left, into her kitchen, not wanting him to see.

“How far along are you now?” he asks, and it gives Gem something else to focus on.

“About five months,” she answers, subtly touching her eye as though trying to remove an eyelash.

She has an appointment on Friday for another check-up and scan, and she can’t wait to see the baby’s goofy ultrasound face again.

“How many people have you told?”

She feels less brittle, enough to finally look back in his direction.

“My parents, a couple of close friends, and John. None of the other Hermits know.”

Etho scratches at his stubble. “Bdubs has known the whole time?”

Gem hesitates but eventually nods again. “I called him when I took the first test.”

“He’s a good guy,” Etho says with a nod and Gem knows what he means, but a laugh slips out of her anyway.

“Shame about the serial cheating.”

Etho hesitates as though remembering, expression turning guilty enough that Gem worries.

“Are you married, too?” she asks, unsure if she actually wants to know the answer, but Etho shakes his head.

“No. No wife, no kids,” and after a beat, adds, “no girlfriend.”

Gem tries not to react, but she has a hard time believing he doesn’t have his pick of women where he lives. Unless it’s some podunk town where there are three women max. She’ll have to look it up later.

“Have you told anyone?” she asks and Etho shakes his head again.

He’s been stewing alone for months. She thinks she might understand his lack of plan and impulsive choices.

“Do you — ” Etho starts, but stops at the sound of Gem’s doorbell ringing and Gem startles, bringing a hand up to her chest as Winnie starts to bark again.

“Jesus.”

“Expecting someone else?” Etho asks and Gem’s stomach sinks, because yes.

She reaches for her phone, unlocking it and opening her texts.

“It’s my mom,” she explains, starting to panic. “She said she would stop by, but I completely forgot after you — I thought it was going to be her when you knocked earlier.”

Etho stands, grabbing his wallet and tucking it back into his pocket. “Want me to hide somewhere?”

Gem snorts, pushing herself to her feet. “You've watched too many movies. You’re going to leave through the front door.”

Etho lets out a quiet laugh, maybe realizing the ridiculousness of what he’s said, and leads the way to the front hall.

He pulls on his boots, not bothering to lace them as Gem finally gets the door.

“Hey, Mom,” she says, letting her mom pull her into a hug. “My friend is just leaving.”

Her mom looks surprised when Gem steps aside to reveal Etho, and almost too quickly for Gem to notice, Etho touches the small of her back.

“I’ll message you later,” he tells her quietly and she nods, trying not to look at her mom as Etho eases around them to leave.

The second he’s gone, her mom steps inside, brows pointedly high.

“He’s just a friend,” Gem lies, shutting the door, and her mom hums like she doesn’t believe it.

“Well, he's a handsome friend,” she says and Gem refuses to acknowledge it.

“Did you bring me anything good from the market?” she asks instead, and it works as a distraction, because her mom immediately reaches for the bag hanging from her arm.

“Heather had her stand today,” her mom starts and Gem blows out a quiet breath and follows her deeper into her apartment.

*

Etho does message her, but much later when she’s starting to fall asleep, tucked up in bed reading.

Checked 4 different hotels. All sold out starting tomorrow. Is your couch still available? Lol

Gem sets her book on the nightstand and writes back, wtf! This place is never that busy. You have a place for tonight? Couch is all yours.

She watches as dots appear, signifying that he’s typing, and she likes that now she can picture him doing it.

For just a second, she lets herself think about him freshly showered and sprawled out on his hotel bed, messaging her in just a pair of boxers.

Apparently there's a conference. Got a room tonight, he confirms. Check out is noon.

She has a video to work on, but she figures he can sit in her living room and watch TV while she’s busy.

Sounds good, she sends back, yawning widely. Gonna go sleep now. Goodnight.

The dots appear, stop, and then appear again.

Goodnight Taylor.

She ignores the way it sends her heart racing and locks her phone before setting it aside to charge overnight.

It’ll be fine.

*

Gem gets tired of working on her video long before Etho shows up. She has no idea what he spends his day doing, but he messages her a little after six in the evening.

Want a cheeseburger for dinner?

Gem doesn't even have to think about it.

Yes, she sends back, before quickly adding, no tomato.

Her doorbell rings half an hour later, and he looks sent from heaven because he's also holding two shakes.

“Holy shit,” she exhales, letting him inside.

“Didn't know if you’d prefer chocolate or vanilla, so I'll drink the one you don't want.”

She takes the chocolate one, which Etho doesn't complain about. He sets his duffel bag on the couch, like a placeholder, and follows Gem the few extra steps it takes to get to the kitchen.

“What did you do all day?” she asks, pulling herself up onto one of the bar stools at the kitchen island and taking a sip of her shake.

It's cold and sweet and everything she needs it to be.

Etho doesn’t sit beside her, but instead steps around to the other side of the counter, standing so he can face her.

He sets down his shake and shrugs. “Figured you might want to get work done or stream, so I went over to the coast.”

There's a smudge of pink across his cheeks, perhaps from the sun, and she feels strangely endeared by it.

But Etho doesn't seem like a beach kind of man. He's in flannel again today, so similar that he maybe liked the shirt enough to buy one of every color.

She hums quietly in acknowledgement and accepts the styrofoam container he passes over.

Inside is a tomato-less cheeseburger, just as ordered, along with some of the greasiest, most delicious looking fries.

Gem's appetite has definitely increased with the duration of her pregnancy, and when she takes the first bite, she groans happily.

“Good?” he asks, and Gem nods and takes another mouthful.

He lets out a huff that might be laughter and reaches for his own food.

The devastating part is that she can almost imagine this is how it would be if they were dating, if they lived together and Etho had picked up dinner for them after a busy day of work.

She keeps her head down and eats, focusing on the way the baby shifts like he’s trying to find a more comfortable position. He’s been more active recently and she hopes taking Winnie for a walk later will help send him back to sleep.

“Tired?” Etho asks after a long stretch of silence, and Gem gets why he’d think that.

“Yeah,” she says, because it’s easier than explaining the truth. Though it’s not a complete lie — she’s exhausted. “Did a short stream.”

He grunts and nods, chewing on a few fries. “You have to be careful with — y’know.”

The way he says it isn’t a question, but it’s clear he’s still looking for an answer as he tips his head in the direction of her belly.

“Yeah,” she agrees. “Hence the clothes.”

She’s in another oversized shirt, but she’s also started to angle her camera a little higher, just to make sure.

“I think I have about a month left before someone realizes,” she continues.

“Will you stop?” he asks, licking ketchup off his fingers and she tries not to stare, tries not to think about where she’s had those fingers.

“Yeah, eventually.”

He takes another couple of mouthfuls and then asks, “What will you tell them?”

She hums quietly, nudging her fries around. “‘I had a threesome with Etho and Bdubs and now I’m having Etho’s baby.’”

Etho pauses, glancing up at her, looking caught.

“Or is that too much?” Gem asks, a laugh finally slipping out of her, Etho’s shoulders dropping with the realization that she’s just joking.

“No, I’m sure they’d all take it well.”

An unflattering snort escapes Gem as the joke takes her by surprise, his deadpan delivery catching her just right.

When she looks at him again, he seems pleased with himself, a smile on his face that makes her stomach twist, and she doesn’t think that’s the baby shifting.

Her mom was right — he’s handsome. And she’s not entirely sure how to come to terms with it.

It was easier when she didn’t know. Though, to be fair, months ago when she’d had no idea what he looked like, he’d still ruined her as easy as anything.

She looks away, focusing on eating more of her fries.

“I have no idea what I’m gonna say,” she admits eventually. “Maybe I’ll just fake my own death and disappear.”

Etho grunts and shakes his head, holding the last bite of his burger between his thumb and forefinger. “Netflix would make a half-assed documentary about you and ruin it.”

She laughs again. “Still might be easier.”

“Sleep on it,” he insists and Gem shrugs like she might, finishing her burger and reaching for her shake again.

When she swallows her mouthful, she leans back in her chair, one hand on her stomach.

“Thank you,” she says and Etho watches her, still working through his fries.

“For the advice?”

She laughs softly, shaking her head. “For the food.”

“Oh,” he replies before laughing too. “Sure.”

He’s surprisingly easy to talk to — not that he isn’t usually when they’re on Hermitcraft together, but it’s always different being in person. Gem’s met enough online friends to know it usually takes time to warm up, to remember how to be human around each other.

And that's without an unborn elephant in the room.

“Needed that,” she says, and he offers her a smile that seems genuine.

“Happy to help,” he tells her and she thinks there are probably worse people for her to have accidentally tied her life to.

*

It’s routine for Gem to take Winnie for a walk before bed. She doesn’t usually go far — just to the small square of grass at the end of her street, but it’s enough to wind them both down for the night.

“Want company?” Etho asks as Gem’s pulling on her coat, Winnie nudging around her legs excitedly.

For a second, she thinks about saying no, but he looks at her as though that’s what he expects from her, and she kind of wants to prove him wrong.

“Sure,” she says, grabbing Winnie's harness from a hook by the door and starting to wrestle her into it.

If Etho’s surprised, he doesn’t show it, just leans down to grab his boots and pull them on.

It’s a cold night — Gem can see her breath when she finally steps out — but Etho doesn’t seem bothered in just his flannel.

As usual, Winnie acts as though she’s never been on a walk on that stretch of sidewalk in her life, stopping to sniff everything, gently tugging Gem one way and then the other. It’s soothing in its familiarity.

Etho follows silently, letting them lead the way, and it's not as uncomfortable as she expects it to be.

“Are you streaming again tomorrow?” he asks when they reach the end of the block, Winnie tugging on her leash as though wanting to go further.

“No, but I should try to put out a new video.”

She has most of it done now, just needs to go through the rest of her footage and pull out the last remaining clips.

“We could get breakfast in the morning,” Etho says, and poses it as an idea, not a question, as though it'll be easier when Gem inevitably says no.

Gem glances over but his expression is unreadable under the dim streetlight.

“I have a doctor's appointment,” she tells him after a moment.

“In the morning?”

“Nine-thirty.”

Etho nods, attention on Winnie who's snuffling around a low bush. “Is everything okay?”

For a second, she thinks he means Winnie, but then he looks back at her, at where her coat is pulled tight across her stomach.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” she admits as Winnie finally pees. “It’s my twenty-four week checkup.”

“That’s a lot of weeks,” Etho says and Gem hums quietly in agreement. “Will they do another scan? Like the one you sent me?”

At least now she knows he saw it.

“He’ll be bigger, but yeah. Same thing.”

He nods in acknowledgement, following as she turns and starts to lead the way back home.

“I could drive you,” he says, again not a question, and she frowns.

“You don’t have to be involved in this,” she tells him blandly, because whatever self-sacrificing bullshit Etho thinks he needs to put himself through — it doesn’t exist. “I’m not going to force you into anything.”

“I didn’t think you would,” Etho responds after a moment, which does nothing but annoy her.

She doesn’t understand him at all. She’s worked with him for years, but that doesn’t mean she knows anything about him. She doesn’t know if he’s got a quick temper when he’s not in front of a camera. She doesn’t know how forgiving he actually is.

He’d snapped at her the once on the phone, but she has no idea if that’s usual.

He’s been nothing but calm with her since he arrived, but he also hasn’t given her anything about how he feels about the situation.

“Do you even want kids?” she asks, because that’s a starting point.

“I didn’t plan to,” he starts and anger curls in Gem’s stomach.

“So why did you come here? Because you thought you had to? You wanted to tell me in person not to contact you after he’s born?”

“If you’d let me finish,” Etho grunts more forceful than she expects from him, reaching out for her arm at the same time to pull her to a stop, to make her look at him even in the darkness. “I didn’t plan to have kids anytime soon, but I never thought I wouldn’t. This just sped up my timeline.”

Winnie tugs on her leash, clearly wanting to continue her walk, but the hand Etho has on Gem holds them both steady.

She stares up at him, swallowing as he watches her in return.

“Do you regret that night?” he asks and Gem thinks about his hands on her, his mouth, how hard and how easily he’d made her come.

She looks away, thankful for the cool air against her face as it heats up.

“No,” she admits and Etho finally lets her go.

She can feel his gaze on her still, and after a long moment, he finally says, “I’ll drive you to your appointment tomorrow and we’ll get an early lunch after.”

He doesn’t leave room for argument and it feels like the most assertive olive branch she’s ever been offered.

“Okay,” she agrees and when Winnie tugs on her leash again, she starts walking, Etho following closer than before, one hand briefly settling against her back.

He wants this kid too. Though she has no idea how it'll work with them so far apart. It's not like he could take weekends.

But the rolling of her stomach settles at the thought that maybe she won't be as alone in this as she'd thought.

His hand drops away as they finally make it back to her apartment, heading up the stairs to her front door.

Inside, freed from her harness, Winnie trots off toward Gem’s room, already knowing it’s time to sleep. She’ll curl up in her bed that’s on the floor just under Gem’s bedroom window and will probably be snoring by the time Gem’s washed up.

“I’m sorry if she comes to annoy you in the night,” Gem tells him, hanging up her coat. “She’s used to free-roaming.”

Etho shrugs as though it’s nothing. “I’m just happy to have a roof over my head.”

Gem offers him a small smile. “You say that now, but wait until she’s trying to be a sixty pound lap dog.”

“My family had a samoyed while I was growing up,” he admits and Gem makes a noise of interest, filing the information away as something else only she knows.

“Oh,” she says quietly, “you'll be fine.”

Etho nods in agreement. “I'll be fine.”

He sets his boots beside Gem's and it feels oddly domestic.

“What was its name?” she asks, watching him straighten again and he rakes his fingers through his hair before catching her gaze.

“Sammy,” he tells her and Gem pictures a tiny, nerdier Etho curled up against a fluffy dog almost the same size as him.

“Sammy the samoyed. Cute,” she says and he makes a noncommittal noise, the way he always does when she calls something of his cute.

She laughs at the familiarity of it and barely contains an eye-roll.

“C’mon,” she tells him, turning to leave the entranceway. “Let me grab bedding for you.”

*

The duvet and pillow Gem had given him are neatly folded and stacked on the couch when she emerges in the morning for tea and a little breakfast.

He’s up and dressed, sitting at her kitchen counter with a cup of coffee, but he doesn’t look entirely awake.

“Too early for you?” she asks, stealing a glance while he sips at his drink, taking in his bed-head, the pillow crease that’s still on the side of his face.

“It’s four-thirty back home,” he complains and she grins and looks away.

She’s heard the same sleep-rough tone in his voice a few times before on proximity chat around Hermitcraft, but she likes it even more in person. She can imagine the way he’d sound if they were both in bed together, how he’d probably curl an arm around her waist and pull her closer, murmuring against her shoulder to go back to sleep for a few more hours.

“You can nap later,” she promises, face feeling hot as she focuses instead on spreading cream cheese across half of an everything bagel, and he grunts.

“Do you want something to eat, or did you already grab something?” she asks around a mouthful, and he shakes his head.

“Not really a breakfast person,” he admits and Gem nods, taking another bite.

“If you change your mind, there’s a Starbucks on the way to my appointment.”

He nods in acknowledgement, she assumes just to be polite, and she doesn’t push it.

“I’ll let you know,” he promises, and smiles tiredly around the rim of his coffee mug as he takes another sip.

*

Etho drives like an old woman: always at least five MPH under the speed limit, hands at ten and two, and Gem's fascinated.

But he gets her to her appointment on time, parking a few spaces down from the main entrance.

“Text me when you're done,” he tells her. “I'll be in the area.”

Gem has no idea what he plans to do to fill the time, but it's not her problem.

“Thanks,” she replies, groaning as she pushes herself up out of the passenger seat.

Etho watches her silently and Gem knows she has to leave before she does something stupid like try to invite him in with her.

“Think about what you want for lunch,” he tells her and she laughs.

“I always am,” she promises, shutting the door and turning away to head inside.

*

Etho's rental car is still in the parking lot when she emerges, which is lucky because he's not answering her messages.

It makes sense when she wanders her way over, peering through the passenger window to find him slumped in his seat, head tipped back and mouth open like he might be snoring.

She laughs, reaching for her phone and snapping a picture before she can talk herself out of it. Even with everything he'd told her, there's a chance she might never see him again after he leaves. At least she’ll have something to show their kid when he’s older.

She watches him a moment longer before gently tapping on the window with her index finger.

He startles awake in a way that suggests he didn’t mean to fall asleep and she laughs again as he fumbles to unlock the door for her.

“Nice nap?” she asks as she climbs in and he grunts in response, rubbing at his face.

“Sorry,” he apologizes, glancing down at his watch. “Were you trying to find me?”

“It’s fine,” she says as he adjusts in his seat, pushing himself upright. “I sent you a few messages, but you were right where I left you.”

He grunts again and blinks as though trying to push the last of the sleep from his brain.

“Was everything okay?” he asks and Gem pulls her seatbelt on.

“All good,” she confirms. “Growing like a weed.”

He starts the car, but doesn’t move for a second.

“Did you get a new picture?” he asks and Gem holds back a snort because it sounds like he’s asking to see it without actually asking to see it. Classic Etho.

“Yeah,” she replies, unzipping her bag and rummaging for the printout they’d given her.

She passes it over and he takes a moment, staring at each photo on the strip of various angles of the baby, seeming to take in every detail. It’s so similar to how he approaches things in-game that she can’t help but smile.

“Have you thought of names?” he asks, glancing over at her and taking her off guard.

She shrugs loosely, a non-answer, because she has a few in mind, but nothing she’s got her heart set on. Nothing she wants to commit to aloud yet.

“He could be a junior,” she jokes instead and Etho laughs gently and passes the printout back to her.

“No,” he insists. “No.”

She laughs in return, tucking the photos away and it’s apparently enough to get him to drop the topic because he fastens his seatbelt and rests his hand on the gearstick.

“Did you think of a place for lunch?” he asks and Gem nods.

“There’s a sandwich place a few blocks over. They do an amazing Italian sub.”

“Sure,” Etho agrees with a smile that looks a little less tired now. “Just tell me where to go.”

Gem nods and he shifts the car into reverse, easing out of their parking space as Gem presses a hand to her stomach and turns her head so he won’t see the earnestness of her smile.

*

Gem’s in the kitchen drinking the last of her camomile tea when Etho walks in freshly showered, toweling at his wet hair.

It’s already dark and Gem just needs to take Winnie out before bed, but she’s not sure she’ll be able to sleep anyway because the baby has been shifting nonstop for almost half an hour now and the sensation is — unnerving.

“Okay?” Etho asks casually, stuffing clothes into his bag before hanging his towel on the edge of the couch to dry.

“Yeah,” Gem answers, setting her mug in the sink to wash whenever she finds the energy, but her back hunches as part of the baby presses against something that apparently doesn’t like to be pressed against.

Etho seems to hesitate, watching as she exhales and rests a hand on the counter for support.

“Sure?”

“He — he’s being pretty active right now. I thought tea would settle him, but apparently not.”

Etho’s eyebrows raise. “He’s moving? Does it hurt?”

“No, it just feels really weird.”

Etho moves closer, glancing down at her stomach.

“Do you think I could feel it?”

Etho's doing it again — being ambiguous with his words. “Is that a question or a request?”

“Oh,” Etho says, clearly only just realizing she can't read his mind. “A request.”

He wants to feel the baby move. He wants to put his hands on her. Again.

Without letting herself think about it too much, Gem reaches out, carefully grabbing his wrist and pulling his hand closer. She guides his palm to the worst of the movement — to the right of her belly button — and presses it down with her own hand over his.

She watches him while she waits, though he doesn’t seem to notice, too busy staring at her bump.

On a particularly strong kick, his eyes widen.

“I felt that,” he tells her, pressing down just a little harder, like he wants to feel more.

“It’s worse from the inside,” she says, and he finally looks up.

“What’s it like?”

Gem shrugs, glancing down at his hand on her because she doesn’t trust herself to make eye contact when he’s standing that close.

“Like I ate something I shouldn’t have.”

Etho lets out a laugh and Gem's hit with a gentle scent of mint, like he's already brushed his teeth for bed.

“Is there anything that will help?”

“Walking Winnie sometimes sends him to sleep,” she admits. “But he feels pretty insistent tonight.”

“Winnie won't complain about a longer walk,” Etho points out and, honestly, if Gem was alone, she'd just walk laps around her apartment and drink more tea. But with Etho there, the possibility of outside compels her.

“You'll come with us?” she asks, and for just a second, Etho's hand slips out from under hers to graze the underside of her belly before pulling away.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “If that's what you want.”

It is, and Gem nods. She wants Etho's hands back on her, too, but she doesn't have the strength to tell him that, and after a beat, he steps back.

“C’mon,” he tells her, tipping his head in the direction of the front door. “Time to put him to bed.”

Gem snorts, but doesn't argue, just follows after him, feeling a little like a boat adrift at sea with a storm brewing on the horizon.

*

The baby settles after two blocks, but Gem lets them walk a third before saying anything. The silence with Etho is nice. Calming in a way people usually aren't for her.

“We can probably head back now,” she says as Winnie stops to stare between two houses, maybe spotting something in the grass.

Etho doesn't seem concerned, like maybe he would've let them walk for twenty blocks before saying anything. She has no idea if that's the way he is, or if it's the way he is with her.

“Better?” he asks and she doesn’t dare touch her stomach in case it jinxes things.

“Yeah. Think he tired himself out.”

Etho offers her a smile. “At least it’s nice tonight.”

It’s warmer than the night before, though not by much.

“Yeah,” she agrees, their shoulders bumping as they turn to head back in the direction of her apartment.

“I don’t live somewhere with sidewalks,” Etho admits after another half a block. “This isn’t something I can do back home.”

“A wild Friday night for you,” she teases and Etho knocks their shoulders together again, this time clearly on purpose.

“You have no idea.”

He doesn’t move away after, staying close enough to Gem that it would be annoying if it wasn’t him. He smells nice from his shower, something distinctly masculine, and she kind of wants to bury her face against his chest.

It takes another half a block for her to find the courage, but she curls her arm into the crook of his elbow, like she might if they were walking home after a date.

He spares her a glance, but doesn’t pull away. Instead, he brings his arm up, just enough that her own rests more comfortably against him.

“Okay?” he asks and she focuses on Winnie leading the way at the end of her leash, knowing it would be too much to look over at Etho.

“Yeah,” she agrees, and for the first time in a long while she actually means it. “All good.”

*

Gem wakes in the night, thirsty and restless, though the baby seems to be calm, probably still sleeping after wriggling around too much earlier.

Her apartment is quiet and dark as she makes her way to the kitchen for a glass of water, and she's already switching on the light before she remembers Etho is right there on her couch.

The duvet shifts and a head emerges, Etho squinting against the brightness, clearly disturbed, clearly tired.

“Sorry,” she apologizes, switching the light off again. “Forgot you were here.”

He grunts. “You can put it back on, it's fine.”

Gem hesitates. She could find everything by touch, but she'd rather not spill water all over her floor.

“I'll be quick,” she promises, flicking the light back on as she grabs a glass from the cupboard and the pitcher of filtered water from the fridge.

“You okay?” Etho asks, just as she's putting the water back and she shuts the fridge and glances over.

“I'm fine, I just — ” she pauses, taking in the shape of him spread across her couch.

She was right — it was never made for people over six foot. His legs hang over the end in a way that has to be uncomfortable.

“Have you been like that the whole time?” she asks and he glances down at himself.

“It's fine,” he tells her. “I've slept on worse.”

It's late, she's tired, he's clearly tired, and she wants to be off her feet again already.

“C’mon,” she says, tipping her head in the direction of the hallway. “You're not sleeping on that.”

He starts to make a sound like he might argue, but before he can, she switches off the light again and starts to walk away.

It's not her finest work, but it's as much of an invitation as he'll get — before she loses her patience and her nerve.

She doesn't look back to make sure he follows. That's up to him.

But when she sits on the edge of her bed and drinks half her glass of water, her bedroom door shifts.

She can't see his expression in the dark, but she can tell he hesitates.

“It's not like we haven't shared a bed,” she points out, though she's not sure what they did really counts as bed-sharing. They were both there and there was also a bed.

She crawls across to the other side, leaving the duvet folded down for him, but can't bear to watch his indecision. She curls up on her side with her back to him, closing her eyes and trying to keep her breathing even.

It feels like an eternity before the mattress dips as Etho settles beside her.

“Thanks,” he mumbles, voice quiet like he's put his back to her, a reflection of her own pose, and she tugs the blankets a little tighter around her shoulders.

They're both silent and still for a long moment before Etho shifts like he’s finally getting comfortable, sighing the same way Winnie sometimes does as she settles down.

Gem smiles to herself, tucking one hand under her stomach as she follows his lead and lets herself relax.

She doesn't feel sleep sneak up on her until it's too late and she's already slipping back under

*

Gem wakes, wondering if she accidentally turned her heating on because she's warmer than she should be with her thin summer comforter on the bed.

She shifts, groaning when she meets resistance, which is precisely when she remembers Etho.

She's on her side, facing the door now, with Etho stretched out on his back beside her.

Her stomach is pressed against him as though she'd been searching for a more comfortable position for it in her sleep, and he'd clearly let her because he's awake.

She knows this because his hand is resting on her belly, thumb tracing back and forth in a soothing pattern.

The baby isn't moving, but that doesn't seem to be what he's doing it for.

She keeps her eyes closed, wondering if he'll believe she's still asleep, wondering how much he'll let her get away with as she shuffles closer, enough to rest her head on his shoulder.

She can hear the steady rhythm of his heart and wishes she could stay in the moment forever.

No obligations, no one asking anything of them, neither of them thinking too much about what's between them.

She knows there's no universe where they would buy a house together to settle down and be a true nuclear family, but she lets herself imagine.

Gem brings her arm up, curling it around Etho's ribs, and now she can feel Etho's heartbeat, the way it picks up, like he can't hide that he knows she's awake, and Gem clutches at his shirt, her breathing shallow.

She shifts her head, nose brushing just above the collar of his shirt, where his skin is soft and warm.

“Tay,” he murmurs, and it feels like too much.

His thumb stops moving, but only because his whole hand shifts, cupping the back of her head instead.

He holds her steady as she pointedly drops a kiss to his clavicle, trying not to let him feel how shaky her breath is. It somehow feels like an even worse decision than before — their first time. There’s so much more at stake.

“Taylor,” he tries again and Gem carefully lifts her head to look at him.

She has no idea what time it is, but it has to be early. Her room is still fairly dark, but growing lighter, and she can see his expression, the hesitation in his eyes.

“What's one more complication?” she tells him.

Because maybe in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing.

She watches Etho swallow, feels him flex his hand where it's dropped down to her waist.

“It doesn't have to be complicated,” he eventually says and Gem wants to straddle him, hold him down and make him explain how the fuck they could ever possibly do that.

“Okay,” she agrees instead because it's the easiest way to get what she wants.

He draws her down, mouth finding her own and her past self was wrong because it's so much better knowing what Etho looks like as she kisses him, as she hooks one leg over his thighs.

He makes a soft sound as he reaches down, fingers trailing along her skin, right at the edge of her sleep shorts.

He kisses her the same way he had that night with Bdubs, his beard maybe a little rougher now, but she supposes he can mark her up anyway he wants this time.

He’s gentle when he rolls her, getting her on her back, and that feels familiar too, especially when he crowds over her. But he takes his time, one hand trailing down to her waist to keep her close as he kisses along her jaw. It feels a little like he might be tracing her moles because he ends up working his way down her throat.

She stares at the shadows on her ceiling, one hand smoothing along his shoulders until he finally draws back, shoving the bedding out of the way, toward the foot of the bed as he kneels between her legs.

He stares down at her as though the possibilities are endless, but after a moment, he reaches for the hem of her shirt, tugging it up until it’s above her belly. When he looks at her again, it’s with hunger and Gem’s stomach swoops.

He smooths his palms over her skin, thumbs bracketing her belly button before he dips down and presses a series of kisses along the swell.

Some days she’s not sure she likes the change in the way she looks, but every kiss Etho drops removes a little more doubt.

He can’t seem to get enough of it, as though taking advantage now that he’s been given permission to touch her. She lets out a shaky breath at the thought of Etho aching to touch her this whole time.

“Did you come here for this?” she asks, voice barely above a whisper, not sure if she wants Etho to hear, but he looks up at her with gentle eyes.

“I came to try to make this work,” he tells her and her chest tightens at the thought.

The thought of him wanting to see how well they’d fit if they lived together, if they coexisted in the same space for more than a few hours at a time.

“Were the hotels really sold out of rooms?” she asks and he keeps looking at her, but doesn't answer. She can see it in his eyes anyway.

There's no way it's ever that busy around her area.

“I think it’s possible for us,” he says, but then he’s leaning back down to get to her belly, like that’s what’s really important.

A weak sound slips out of Gem and she finds herself reaching for her shirt, pulling it the rest of the way off and tossing it over the side of the bed. Etho looks up briefly, gaze focusing on her breasts and then her face.

He presses a couple more kisses to her skin and then slinks further up her body, getting his mouth around one nipple, fingers playing with the other. Her body feels electrified by his touch, like before. Though it might be worse this time.

She’s had nothing but her hands and toys since she last saw him. She can already feel how wet she is between her legs.

She might not let Etho leave her bed until he has to catch his flight home.

She can’t move much with him caging her in with his own body and with her new center of gravity she knows she’s at his mercy until he decides to help move her.

She groans, slipping her hands under his shirt, wanting to finally see him, tugging at the material until he’s forced to do something about it.

He pulls back, mouth wet, color on his cheeks, a hint of a smirk on his face that feels devastating. Gem’s going to think of it constantly now when he’s up to no good online, when he inevitably goes back to teasing her in front of the other Hermits.

There’s no six pack underneath when he drags his shirt off, but she's not disappointed. She likes that he has a slight tummy, that he has chest hair and a few moles and some kind of scar just below his collarbone.

She smooths her palm over it before glancing up at him.

“Didn’t get to see that last time,” she tells him.

He hums in acknowledgement, briefly leaning down to kiss her mouth. “Fell off my bike when I was eight.”

Piece by piece, she's figuring him out. He's letting her figure him out.

He gets his hands back on her belly for a moment before he reaches for her shorts.

He drags them down and off, along with her underwear, and Gem sets her feet flat on the bed, letting her knees fall open for him to see exactly what effect he's having on her.

He stares the way she wants him to, his breathing turning heavier as he rubs a hand between his legs like he can't help himself.

“You look — ” he starts, but never finishes the thought. Instead, he reaches out to thumb at her clit before nudging at her opening.

When he brings it up to his mouth, sucking it clean, just to taste her, Gem's the one who's breathing heavily.

“Just like you remember?” she jokes weakly, and Etho responds by getting his mouth on her.

That's exactly how she remembers it. She remembers how insistent he'd been while eating her out, how he’d made sure she couldn't focus on anything but him. And it's true again now.

What's worse is that while flat on her back, her bump blocks him from view. She just has to feel and hear everything he's doing.

“Etho,” she begs, his hands holding her thighs apart, palms feeling huge against her.

She rolls her hips the best she can, so desperate for him she feels a little insane. His mouth is so hot and wet, his tongue licking into her like he wants to ruin her.

She’d known she’d be sensitive, but she can’t even find the strength to talk, can hardly breathe, and it’s barely a few minutes before she’s clutching at the bed below and shaking apart.

Etho makes a noise against her, sounding surprised, but he eases her through her orgasm, and when he lifts his head to look at her again, the whole lower half of his face is wet.

He licks his lips, seeming satisfied. “Was your last time with me and Bdubs?”

Gem’s brain isn’t entirely online again yet, but she nods, feeling anything but ashamed at the truth when Etho groans like it’s exactly what he wants to hear. She wonders if it’s a thing for him.

“No one else has touched me,” she says, just to test, and Etho moves quicker than she expects.

He covers her with his body again, kissing her with one hand firm on her jaw, slightly possessive in a way she’s usually not into. But it's Etho — Gem moans into his mouth, her hands reaching down, trying her best to shove at his pajama pants.

She needs him inside.

Etho doesn’t need to be told — apparently wants it as much as her, because he shifts back, climbing off the bed as he hooks his thumbs under the waistband of his pants.

“Roll over,” he says, gaze never straying from her as he shucks the rest of his clothes.

Gem lets out a quiet noise, nodding as she pushes herself up, easing onto her hands and knees, thighs spread wide to help balance with the shift in her weight around her middle.

She glances over her shoulder at him, and he’s still staring.

She arches her back, rocking her hips in invitation, and Etho lets out a ragged breath, hand shifting down to touch himself again now that he's naked. He’s hard and wet at the tip, just for her.

When he climbs back onto the bed, he reaches for her immediately, hands tight on her waist as he fits himself behind her.

“Condom?” he asks and Gem lets out a hiccuped laugh.

“Why? Worried you’ll accidentally knock me up?” she retorts and for a second his hands tighten on her before they shift to touch her stomach, like he knows full well it’s too late and there's not a damn thing he wants to do to change it.

He leans down to kiss her shoulder. “For cleanup.”

It’s surprisingly thoughtful, but Gem doesn’t care. “Etho,” she grits out. “Fuck me.”

Etho grunts, dragging her bodily back a few inches for him to grind against her, and she thinks she gets even wetter at the show of strength.

She bites back a moan as he lines himself up and guides himself inside, moving slowly but insistently to get deeper.

She hangs her head, hair falling around her face. “Forgot how big you are.”

He presses in as far as he can get and pauses.

“Too much?” he asks and Gem leans down on her forearms, changing the angle to get him just a little bit deeper.

“Move,” she tells him, her only answer, and he does. But not the way she expects.

He widens his knees, one hand reaching under her stomach, lifting just enough to help support her and take pressure off. For a split second, she wonders if it’s not the first time he’s done it. But then she thinks about him alone, about him knowing of her pregnancy but nothing else. She wonders if maybe his taste in porn had shifted at some point. Maybe he's seen someone else do it.

She whines at the thought of him watching it, touching himself while thinking about her.

His other hand shifts to her breasts. She’s grown two cup sizes already and it’s clear from his touch that he’s noticed.

When he finally starts to fuck her, Gem exhales loudly and clutches at the sheets.

He’s gentle, as though expecting everything to be sore for her. Which is a fair assumption because it is, but he’s making her feel so good, like she’s the only one who matters. But she can feel his heavy breath against her back and knows it’s good for him too.

“Yeah,” she tells him, and he presses a kiss between her shoulder blades, moving a little faster, hips snapping just a little sharper.

She shuts her eyes, focusing on him, the way he sounds, the way he feels, and she wants it for as long as he’ll let her have it.

She wants this thing between them to work so badly she aches with it.

She can hear his voice, but it’s quiet, muffled against her skin like he doesn’t want her to hear, but eventually he lifts his head, hand flexing on her stomach.

“I did this to you,” he says and she realizes it’s really a thing for him.

“Yeah,” she repeats, “you did.”

His thrusts turn ragged, uncoordinated, and he's barely pulling out, just rabbiting against her.

She slides one arm underneath herself, fingers finding her clit, and it doesn’t even feel as though she’s already had one orgasm. She tumbles over the edge as easy as anything, squeezing around him and making Etho moan in response.

He barely lasts more than a few thrusts before pressing a moan against her skin and coming inside her.

Etho stays deep, keeping her close as he trails kisses along her back, both of his hands on her stomach now.

“Okay?” he exhales and Gem groans in response, nodding without lifting her head.

She moves her hand from between her legs, settling it over one of his instead as she tries to catch her breath.

Carefully, he pulls out of her, his mouth working its way up her shoulder to her throat, where his facial hair scratches at her in a way she enjoys.

Eventually, he shifts to one side, giving her room to move again, and she eases herself up and back to sit on her heels.

She can feel his come dripping down her thighs and can’t stop herself from touching.

Beside her, Etho leans over the edge of the bed, grabbing his shirt and sitting back up.

“Here,” he says, wiping at the mess and Gem lets out a breath.

“I could’ve got a towel.”

“Yeah,” Etho agrees, “but then you would’ve had to leave the bed.”

Gem raises her brows at him as he chucks the shirt back toward the floor.

“You don’t want me to leave?”

“Not yet,” Etho tells her, like it’s just that easy.

“I have to take Winnie out,” she reminds him and he curls an arm around her waist, pulling her closer.

“It’s still early,” he says, but neither of them have actually checked the time. She just has to decide if she gets to be a little selfish this morning.

She loops her arms around his neck and leans in until her mouth is brushing his. “Okay,” she agrees and lets him kiss her back down to the bed.

*

Over a late breakfast, after Winnie has finally been walked, Gem asks, “What’s the plan for today?”

Etho chews his mouthful of Cheerios and shrugs loosely. “What do you usually do on Saturdays?”

Gem shrugs back at him, popping a segment of orange into her mouth. “Not much. Maybe a hike. Maybe the farmer’s market.”

“Sure,” he agrees. “Dinner somewhere?”

Gem nods because it’s not like she has enough in the fridge to actually feed him.

“Cool,” Etho says and Gem nods again because she supposes it is.

She swallows her last piece of orange and watches Etho stir dirty cereal milk about his bowl.

“I’m gonna shower,” she tells him, “and then we can decide.”

Without letting herself get in her own head about it, she pushes herself up, pressing one hand to the kitchen counter as she leans over to kiss him.

It lands at the corner of Etho’s mouth when he shifts, seeming surprised by her sudden advance, but before she can pull back, he readjusts them and draws her in again for a second try.

It’s better — closed-mouthed, gentle, far more casual than it has any right to be when they still barely know each other.

But it’s enough for Gem.

She offers him a grin and says, “I’ll be right back.”

*

The farmer’s market is about as busy as usual when they arrive. Gem hasn’t had the motivation to go for a few weeks, but her favorite regulars are there.

She buys a dozen eggs from Cheryl, who lives two streets over from her parents, and when she gets fresh greens from Louis, he slips in a free bunch of radishes, knowing Gem enjoys them.

After, she hovers by the freshly cut flower stand, eyeing up the bouquets, imagining what she might buy with an unlimited budget. Instead, she goes to the next stall over and buys a new lip balm from Jen, who waits until Etho turns away, distracted, before nodding toward him and winking.

Gem shakes her head, biting back a smile when Jen frowns, expression clearly saying that Gem will have some explaining to do the next time they chat.

It's small town living at its finest.

When it starts to near lunchtime, Etho buys them each a pulled pork sandwich from a BBQ stand.

“Good?” he asks when she’s a few bites in, when she’s trying not to cry about how delicious it is.

She nods and he grins like he knows.

Slowly, he reaches out toward her and she pauses, wondering what he's doing, until his thumb rubs to the right of her mouth. When he pulls back, he shows her the sauce he'd wiped off, and he doesn’t seem to think about it before licking it off.

“Better second time around?” she jokes, looking down at her food, because she can’t handle him when he’s acting like that, like he'd make a good boyfriend.

“Not bad,” he retorts and goes back to eating, but she can still feel the pressure of his gaze on her.

She can imagine it — them as a couple, visiting the farmer’s market every week, not for anything they need, but for things they want. She can imagine them walking hand-in-hand, Gem with their rosy-faced boy strapped to her chest as he naps. Or maybe when he’s older, he’d ride on Etho’s shoulders, tiny fingers clutching at his hair.

She takes another bite of her sandwich and tries to focus on anything else.

“Do you go to things like this back home?” she asks eventually, because if they're going to get to know each other, they have to start somewhere.

“No, I just go to the grocery store. This is pretty expensive.”

Gem nods in understanding, chewing slowly. “We can leave after this. I've already spent too much.”

“Sure” Etho agrees, finishing the last bite of his food. “I'm just gonna grab something real quick.”

He doesn't wait for her response before getting up from the bench they're sharing and walking away. She assumes he's going to buy a drink, but she loses sight of him as he weaves his way into the crowd and her interest wanes.

Instead, she works on the final bites of her lunch, savoring them as she watches a couple of children playing tag on a patch of nearby grass.

They're both red faced and crying by the time Etho returns — something about unfair rules and cheating, and Gem supposes she'll have a lot of that to look forward to in the future.

“Here,” Etho says, drawing her attention back to him, and she glances up to find him holding a carefully wrapped bouquet of flowers — one of the ones she'd been looking at earlier.

She stares at them and then him, frowning. “What?”

“For you,” he insists, holding the bouquet out, and she finds her mouth falling open in surprise.

She's received flowers from partners before, but for some reason these ones feel like so much more.

After a moment, she reaches out to take them, her hands trembling slightly.

“Thank you,” she says quietly. “They're beautiful.”

He nods, not like he agrees it's true, but like he knows her acceptance means something.

She brings them up to her nose, inhaling deeply and smiling at the fragrance. She can't wait to put them in her kitchen window.

And maybe when Etho is long gone and they're starting to wilt, she'll dry and press a couple of them as a reminder.

“Is there an occasion?” she asks, finally looking at him again, and he shakes his head.

“Just want to make you happy,” he tells her, as simple as that, and she smiles back and believes him.

*

“Okay?” he asks on the drive home, and Gem hums quietly, hands carefully holding onto the bouquet of flowers across her lap.

“All good,” she says, glancing over.

His focus is on the road, but he steals a look across at her for just a second.

“Sure?”

He doesn't sound sold. Gem’s been in her head all afternoon, but Etho was never meant to notice.

“Why are you single?”

Etho doubletakes. “What?”

“It’s been annoying me,” Gem tells him and when Etho comes to a stop at the next light, he looks over at her fully. “If you’re this nice, why are you still single?”

Etho’s throat shifts as he swallows and he reaches up to scratch at his beard, looking a little confused.

“Do you want me to be dating someone?”

“No,” Gem insists, “it just doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe it’s a choice,” Etho says, not looking at her and Gem realizes there’s no maybe about it. He’s chosen to stay single.

Very carefully, she asks, “Are you interested in dating people?”

She watches a frown form on his face. “Everyone is interested in dating people.”

It’s not the most surprising thing he’s ever said, but it does feel like one day she might actually have to explain her bisexuality to him in a way he’ll understand. But it’s not important right now.

“So, you are?”

The light goes green and he accelerates, briefly looking over at her again.

“Yes,” he confirms and Gem nods, because at least she’s not barking up the wrong tree.

He takes a right onto her street and Gem stays quiet, watching as he eventually finds a parking space not far from her door.

He shuts the engine off and finally looks over at her again.

“I'm not in a relationship because I don't want anyone else.”

The word else echoes around inside of Gem's head, blocking the rest of her thoughts.

“Bdubs’ plan that night at the hotel was never going to work,” he continues, which sounds like one hell of a segue. “But he offered me a chance with you and I had to take it.”

She very carefully doesn’t react, but her heart is thundering in her chest.

It makes sense. Of course Etho wanted to have sex with her that night. Bdubs didn’t force him. But apparently Etho thought that was the only way to get to her.

Gem readjusts the flowers in her lap, swallowing thickly. “Do you know who else could’ve offered you a chance with me?”

Etho frowns as though thinking. “Who?”

“Me. Literally all you had to do was message me and say you were in the area,” she tells him. “I would've been there in an instant.”

“Because I’m Etho.”

“Because you’re you, you idiot.” He seems taken aback by the insult, but she continues. “You’re nothing like the Etho I grew up watching anyway — you can’t fight, you can't parkour to save your life, you came dead last in MCC.”

He finally seems to realize she's joking and he lets out a quiet breath. “That's not fair,” he says. “I had Tango on my team.”

“Sure, that was your problem,” she retorts with a smile. “But I’m serious. I like you for you. You didn’t get the hint after all the hours we spent together last season?”

“We were all just hanging out.”

Gem sighs, but isn’t surprised. Someone like Etho probably needs to be told explicitly.

“The real me is more disappointing,” Etho says quietly and Gem’s chest tightens.

“That’s why you wouldn’t let me see your face that night.”

It’s probably the same reason why it took him almost six weeks to decide what to do after she’d told him the truth about her pregnancy.

He nods and Gem finds herself taking off her seatbelt. She’s too pregnant to get far, but she pushes herself up enough to lean over and grab him by the front of his shirt. He gets the hint, tipping his head down to kiss her, one hand on her jaw.

“No part of you is disappointing,” she tells him, holding his gaze when she pulls away after a moment.

He doesn’t look entirely convinced, but he nods, and when she kisses him again, his mouth slackens like she’s the cause but also the cure for his anxiety.

“Okay,” she says, eventually drawing back, “I know we just ate, but I’m already thinking about dinner, so how about we take Winnie to the park and decide what we want?”

Etho laughs quietly, his eyes relaxing. “Sure,” he agrees. “Sounds like a plan.”

*

They fuck again before bed, fast and desperate, Gem’s maxi dress hiked up, Etho’s pants around his thighs. She rides him on the couch, face pressed against his throat, his hands tangled in her hair, keeping it out of the way.

He’ll be gone in just over twelve hours, but Gem never wants him to leave.

She keeps him inside, even after they’re both spent and sweaty, and pants heavily as her throat starts to constrict with her emotions.

Etho rubs her back like he knows, like he feels it too.

“When will I see you again?” she asks and Etho kisses along her shoulder to the strap of her dress.

“We have time,” he says softly, clearly meaning before their baby is born. “I can come back and stay for longer.”

“How long?” she asks and Etho draws back to catch her gaze.

“As long as you want.”

They could see how well they work together — maybe for a couple of weeks, maybe for a couple of months. She thinks she’d like that.

The knot in her chest loosens and she tucks her face back against his neck, shutting her eyes and breathing him in.

For the first time, since this whole thing started, there’s hope.

*

She sleeps fitfully, tossing and turning most of the night until — clearly tired and annoyed — Etho curls his arm around her waist and pulls her closer, one leg fitting between hers.

She still doesn’t sleep, but she’s never been happier to have someone snore directly into her ear. One day, that’ll grow annoying, but not yet.

*

Gem isn’t good at goodbyes and she’s not expecting the way she can’t stop herself from crying as he pulls her into a hug in her front hall. She’s never been much of a crier before her pregnancy, but she’s becoming one.

He holds her close and she knows without a doubt she’ll fall asleep later with his pillow clutched against her, just for his scent.

“I’ll be back,” he says, kissing her temple, her cheek, her jaw, and his hands find her stomach, touching like he never wants to stop. “Okay?”

His mouth finds her own and Gem finds herself nodding.

“Okay,” she agrees when he finally pulls back.

“We’ll figure this out,” he promises, and when he kisses her again before stooping to grab his bag from the floor, she believes him again.

***

Gem’s sprawled on the couch, head tipped back and eyes closed, when something heavy lands in her lap.

She grunts, knowing all too well what it might be.

“Hi, Luke,” she says, and when she finally looks down, big blue eyes peer back at her.

“Mom,” he answers, “Dad said we could get ice cream after supper.”

“He did?” she asks. “Where is he?”

“In the yard with Win.”

But even as he says it, she hears the familiar creak of their back door and the slow steady padding of Winnie's footsteps. She’s older now, slower, with gray across her muzzle, but she earns her keep watching over Luke at night, a promotion from watching over Gem.

“Luke?” Etho calls out, and in her lap, Luke looks caught.

“Dad said it was a secret,” he admits in a whisper and Gem smiles, looking up as Etho leans in the doorway, watching them.

“Did you tell her?” Etho asks and Luke immediately shakes his head in a lie, climbing out of Gem’s lap and running in the direction of his bedroom.

Winnie follows after, but doesn’t hurry.

Gem laughs, pushing herself up and making her way over to Etho.

“Ice cream sounds good,” she admits, letting Etho pull her closer the second she’s within arm’s reach.

“Was thinking we could butter him up before we tell him he’ll be a big brother.”

She’s only ten weeks in, but it’s different this time — planned, chaotic in a million other ways, mostly from juggling a six year old at the same time.

“That’s on you,” she tells him. “You’re the one who did this to me — again.”

Etho tucks his head down against hers. “Didn’t hear you complaining. Either time.”

Gem shoves at him, but Etho holds her tighter, laughing as he drops a kiss to her head.

“I’ll tell him,” he promises. “We’re doing it better this time.”

“We got there in the end,” she points out and when she tips her head back to look at him, he leans down to kiss her softly.

“Eventually,” he agrees, and she smiles against his mouth and kisses him again.

Notes:

Feel free to come scream over on Tumblr!

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 2 of Meeting idols