Chapter Text
'Cause I want the one I can't have
It's all over, all over, all over my face
Jude wasn’t a good liar. He was too passionate and expressive to be, he couldn’t keep a poker face to save his life. When he got pissed, the whole world knew. When he was happy, his smile was as radiant as the sun. So it wasn’t a surprise that everyone now was calling him and Trent “the inseparable mates”, given how he was all laughs and giggles when he had the scouser next to him (which, to be fair, was almost all day).
In reality, to call him just mates wouldn’t be enough to understand the type of thing they had going on. He had known Trent for a while but they really had gotten close during the last World Cup. Even if Trent admitted he first started talking to him because of the whole “agent Trent” ordeal, as they got to know each other more, the failed Liverpool transfer was a thing of the past and quickly they became each other’s best friend. And from there, every sort of supposed boundary was breached eventually.
Jude isn’t sure when it started, he just knows they had acted on mutual attraction at some point and it hadn’t been awkward or weird, from then on it was like they signed a silent agreement to become fuck buddies. And it should have been like that, just sex when they felt like it, then a normal friendship the rest of the time. Except it wasn’t. It was soft intimate touches, it was long kissing sessions, it was movie nights video calling each other for hours and that excitement he felt whenever he saw that notification with Trent’s name on his phone, that he had replied to his text. It was feeling like a part of him shattered when they had to go back to their respective clubs after international duty, always wishing they had more time. Jude would be lying if he said Trent was just a friend. And he wasn’t good at it.
However, he couldn’t say Trent was something else. He couldn’t say he was anything his . The closest thing would be to call this an open relationship and not even that, because they never referred to it as a proper relationship . When they had the opportunity to be together, it was like they were dating. But eventually time runned out and they went back to their clubs, to their different countries and the need to leave off steam didn’t care that they were apart. They had their own friends with benefits back in Liverpool and Madrid, the casual shags here and there with some girl they met. Part of their agreement was deeply rooted in not being exclusive.
It was fine. It wasn’t like they could fulfill their needs with the other one being miles away. Jude had Camavinga mainly, it had happened once or twice with Brahim as well. All good, after the deed was done they were just the same old friend, no lingering touches, no long stares from across the room and no desire for anything past their already established friendship. And just because of that, Jude was realizing whatever he had going on with Trent couldn’t be just a fwb agreement. He had never held Edu in his arms, softly humming one of his favorite songs while the other one slept peacefully. He had never stared at Brahim thinking how beautiful he was and how much he liked kissing his lips. Because it was never supposed to be like that. Except that with Trent it was.
Jude doesn’t like to think in depth about it, it makes him feel a bit too vulnerable for his liking but sometimes he can’t help but wonder for how much longer they could keep this up. The uncertainty and the lack of a proper explanation for what they were doing. It didn’t bother him before, he thought they didn’t need it but he’s becoming more aware of the fact that it’s getting harder to just act as if Trent was nothing but a mere friend. Sometimes, when he allowed himself to think about it, he realized he was too much into Trent by now.
They never addressed the “relationship” status, yeah, but sometimes Trent let out seemingly inoffensive jokes about how they would never be able to maintain an actual thing because of their agendas, the distance, the lack of time. Jude laughs it out, rolling his eyes and calling him a dickhead but everytime it stings a little more than before. To be reminded they would probably always just be this. Nothing.
Maybe it was driving Jude this crazy because it was so new for him. Not the part about having a friend with benefits or the part about crushing on a guy. That had already happened for him. It was the feeling of being the one pining. The one wanting. The one chasing. He wasn’t used to being the chaser. He had always been the one chased after and he liked it. Now, he’s beginning to think Trent must be his karma. This must be what it had felt like for those persons he had fooled around with. But he was almost sure none of them felt the way he feels right now for Trent. He isn’t used to it but he can’t imagine it any other way. He likes Trent that much.
And that also meant some things about their arrangement were starting to become problems when they hadn’t been an issue before. He had become more jealous of Trent’s flings and the casualty in which he mentioned them was like an itch he couldn’t scratch. And the mention of one person above the rest irritated him the most. Dominik Szboszlai. The Hungarian player was increasingly present in Trent’s stories, in his dms. In the pictures he saw online of Liverpool’s training sessions. He seemed to always be there, next to him. Wiping his tears with his shirt during Klopp’s farewell? Jude wanted to set his phone on fire when Vini sent the video on their Madrid group chat, jokingly saying that Jude had to step up his game with the scouser.
He tried his best to be normal about it, hiding behind smiles and playful banter, knowing he had literally no reason to get mad, given that Trent was, essentially, single. They weren’t anything. He tried hard. But, again, Jude wasn’t a good liar. It was getting so difficult to cover.
When Euros finally arrive, Jude realizes Trent is acting more clingy than usual. He seems jollier than the last England camp and that makes Jude happy too, the Liverpool player had texted him the days before, telling him he was enjoying the training, being back with the boys and the fact that he had finally managed to seemingly get into the starting XI of Southgate. Jude loves how Trent is sticking to him all the time and lets his wishful mind wander, thinking maybe things could start to change for the better for them. Maybe Trent could feel comfortable enough to give themselves a chance.
He, naively, tested the waters after the Serbia match, feeling pumped up with energy as he gives the team their first victory and shares his celebration with Trent. They sneaked out of the dining room when everyone was distracted enough and made their way to Trent’s room, the latter had already told Ramsdale to stall and find something interesting to do for a couple hours while he and Jude used the room. The goalkeeper had just rolled his eyes and Trent knew that was a clear yes.
“We are doing all this shit now, look like a proper couple, don’t we?” Jude says, feigning nonchalant, praying Trent couldn’t feel his heart beating fast from where he was sitting on top of him, half stripped already.
“Proper couple, us? Jude Bellingham and Trent Alexander-Arnold, the proper couple?” Trent laughed and shook his head, dismissing his comment. “We would have to be born again for that to happen!”
Jude laughs it off, their tone wasn’t serious at all so he mentally slaps himself for bringing up a topic like that right now and even more for expecting a genuine answer from Trent. He laughs but it hurts, hurts even more to think that, most likely, Trent did give him his genuine answer. The brummie shoves it to the back of his mind, he didn’t want to ruin the mood, more specifically, he didn’t want to ruin Trent’s mood, given how happy he was right now. It was a good start for the tournament but he knew things could go south at any moment and if they did, one of the most criticized (as it tended to be) would be Trent.
The days pass and Jude’s fears come true: after that first victory they draw the two following games. Trent starts only once more and then gets benched, which naturally takes a toll on his mood. He tries to not make it too obvious but Jude knows him too well to buy the act. When they are alone, he is quieter and his eyes glow less than usual. Jude wishes he could kiss the sadness and disappointment out of him and scream at the whole world’s face what a great player and person Trent was and how unfair they were to his… friend.
“Hey, Domi is inviting us for dinner, he just texted me saying to meet him tonight because he’s leaving tomorrow early.” Trent sat beside him at lunch, with his phone in his hand as he bit the small protein bar they were given daily. It tasted like dirt and Jude did not understand how Trent genuinely liked eating them.
“Domi?” Jude arched an eyebrow looking up from his own phone at the sound of Trent’s nickname for his Liverpool coplayer. The ease in which it slipped off Trent’s lips annoyed him in the most childish way.
“I mean Dominik, Szboszlai, come on you know who.” Trent rolled his eyes and took another bite of his dirt bar.
“Should I go, though? Don’t wanna third-wheel between you guys” Jude swears he said it as a joke but maybe it came out more bitter-sounding than anything. Well, either way, he meant it.
“Oh, stop it.” The scouser shifted closer to him and lowered his tone. “When you are around nothing can distract me from you.”
“Twat. Next time at least make it sound like you mean it.” Jude laughs, how down bad was he that Trent’s words made him smile like a schoolgirl? “I just think it’s kinda odd that he’s asking both of us to go, I don’t really speak with him or anything.”
“Liar, you told me you knew him from Germany. That you even went partying together and all”
“Back in the day, yeah, but that was it. He was more like a party-friend, if we saw each other there we shared some drinks, had a good time but that was about it.” Jude remembered those nights, afterparties after matches, nightclubs crowded and the cold air hitting his face when he stepped out there to try and not trip to death as he walked to his ride home. Thank God the air in Madrid tended to be warmer.
“Well, you don't have to go if you don’t want to but I am going.” Trent ended their conversation having finished his snack, standing up to grab his actual lunch from the cafeteria.
Jude ended up going, though. His jealousy got the best of him and he could not fathom the idea of letting Trent having dinner alone with Dominik if he could be there to, at least, cockblock the Hungarian from whatever he had planned for the night.
They got in a cab and in about half an hour arrived at an Italian restaurant, decorated with red roses on the entrance and dimly lit by candles on each table, giving the whole place a very romantic vibe. Yeah, he was glad he had come alongside Trent, there was no way he would have let him come here alone if he could help it. Back in Liverpool, he could take him anywhere he pleased but right now, during international duty, Jude felt a bit more entitled to Trent’s time and attention.
They were guided to a private area where Dominik greeted them with a full smile on a table arranged for three, making space for them to sit. Jude realized it was probably the first time he had been in the same room with Dominik outside of parties and nightclubs and that he didn’t really know how he actually was in a normal setting. He quickly is taken aback by Dominik’s charisma, his smile looks really welcoming and genuine too. His voice was soft and his accent gave his voice and overall speech an interesting tone. No wonder he pulled so many girls (and guys).
No wonder he pulled Trent. This same Trent beside him that had told him earlier that no one could distract him from Jude, was all chatty and all smiles for the entire time they were there. Jude wasn’t a bitter person, he really wasn’t, he hated ruining the mood and looking like the odd one out, his extroverted personality making him try and get involved in the conversations, finding topics in common and keeping the chat interesting. But again, he couldn’t hide his underlying annoyance that well, being more quiet than usual and not wanting to look that much at the man in front of him.
The times he did raise his eyes, he almost always crossed paths with Dominik’s stare, who was shooting weird glances at him and some smiles in a manner Jude couldn't decipher but were becoming recurrent. What was he trying to tell him? That he realized how Jude had gotten silent in between the pair’s chat? Some kind of cocky reminder that Trent was paying three times more attention to Dominik than to him? The bastard. Jude felt his blood boil and replied to his stupid side smile with an intense glare until he had to look somewhere else to calm down. Is this why he had made him come? To make him see how Trent folded for him? Jude felt like making out with Trent in front of Dominik to erase that damn look on his face.
After what felt like a torture, they finally leave and Jude is silent on the ride back to the England camp. Trent picks up on his odd behavior and questions his sudden bad temper. Jude doesn’t feel like explaining and just tells him he’s tired and they should have gotten back earlier. Trent doesn’t push further and just rests his head on Jude’s shoulder as he dozes off for some minutes before they arrive. Jude feels himself releasing some tension by the other man’s gesture. It really took so little when it was about Trent.
The following morning, he notices a notification on his phone as he wakes up. Much to his surprise it was from the very own Dominik Szoboszlai. Weirded out, he opens it.
“hey, idk what happened last night but the vibes were off between us. is everything ok?”
Still staring at his phone with his confused expression, Jude chuckles to himself and closes the app without replying. What was that even for? He didn’t have to explain anything to him. He can hold that and try to figure it out by himself.
Hours later, his phone buzzes again and the same name appears on his screen. Dominik Szboszlai double texting him at his big age.
“so u are pissed”
“i couldnt even get a reply:(“
Properly annoyed now, the younger player texts back finally.
“???”
“hard not to get annoyed when you shoot cocky glances and stupid smiles at me for two hours straight. fuck off.”
That was probably too harsh and Jude begins regretting lashing out like that, already thinking about deleting the texts but he notices Dominik had already seen them. Well, it wasn’t too late to apologize anyways. As he begins typing, he realizes Dominik has already texted back.
“oh no”
“that was not my intention at all. i’m sorry if it seemed that way”
“what a misunderstanding now i feel bad”
Jude cannot erase his completely confused expression, earning some glances from some of the guys at the training pitch. What was this guy even trying to say?
“you are not making any sense and i have no idea what you are talking about”
“what on earth could possibly be the explanation then. you aren’t fooling me”
Enough with the gimmick. Jude would rather now the Hungarian just straight up calling him a cuck instead of whatever this weird exchange was.
“i swear i’m fr. let’s meet today? i’ll explain”
“just the two of us btw”
“i wanna talk abt smth with u”
He had lost his mind. Properly this time. They had nothing to talk about apart from the elephant in the room named Trent. And Jude did not want to talk about him with Dominik, it would only pour more salt in the wound. What was there to explain? Nothing he said would make him less annoyed by his presence. It wouldn’t change the fact Dominik was fucking the guy that Jude is in love with.
Still, the tiniest bit of curiosity begins to arise inside him. Jude had (sadly) been a curious little shit since he was a kid and when he began thinking about something, it wouldn’t leave his mind until he got an answer. Dominik Szboszlai wanted to meet him to talk about something. And now that he remembered, wasn’t he supposed to be already back in Hungary or Liverpool or something?
Jude hated himself for what he was about to do.
“whatever”
“send me the address i’ll be there later”
Some time later, as Jude is putting on his jacket to go out, a knock on the door startles him. When he gets closer, meaning to open it, a certain scouser makes himself at home and enters without asking twice.
“I must have left a sock in here, I can’t find it anywhere.” Trent looks under the bed, trying to find that rogue sock, stretching his arm to touch around.
“Always entering uninvited. What if I was naked?” Jude teases, making Trent shoot him a lopsided smile.
“Right, I’m so sorry. Would have been such a blow for your privacy.” The older man gave up on his search and resorted to just laying on his back on Jude’s bed, his eyes lost on the ceiling. He felt silent for some minutes, Jude just staring at him because he could see that he had something on his mind. He waited for him to say it.
“Do you think we are passing to the quarter finals?” Trent spoke softly, still without looking directly at him.
“Yeah, I’m sure we will. We should be the first ones cheering ourselves up, T.” Jude sits beside him, feeling like he needed to give Trent a chance to open up a bit. He often struggled with frustration so if Jude could find an opportunity to get him to speak his mind and help him dissipate the negative thoughts, he would take it. “If we don’t believe it then how are we supposed to make the rest believe in us?”
“I know all that. I hear it on coaching sessions all the time, you sound exactly like them. They were right about your PR answers.” Trent smiles a little, jokingly pushing him to the side.
“Not you too with that PR bullshit, I’m so done with it. Being a little articulate became a crime now, I’m getting compared to bloody dictators giving speeches. I’m answering in monosyllables from now on.” Jude smacked his hand softly, mimicking his playful manner. He wasn’t lying though, he had enough of people calling him a PR merchant. It stopped being funny months ago. “But for real, I do think we will make it. We just need to focus more.”
“After quarter finals, semifinals, then the finals and then it’s done. There’s not that much time left either way.” Trent’s smile dropped, moving his eyes from Jude and going back to stare at the ceiling. Jude felt a tug in his heart, reminded of the hard truth. He hadn’t even thought about what time they had left because he’d been enjoying the tournament so much. “Then I’ll go back to Liverpool and you’ll go back to Madrid. We’ll go back to our regular, daily lives. Who knows when we’ll get a chance to see each other.”
“Don’t say that. We always manage anyway. And if not, we always got the friendlies, Nations League also around the corner. It's gonna be okay.” Jude placed a hand on top of Trent’s, caressing it. When Trent’s mood became like this, it was hard not to get sucked into it. Jude was too aware of his feelings and too moved by them for it to be any other way.
“That’s if Southgate even calls me up. Which I honestly doubt given the way he’s been acting towards me lately.” Trent pulled away from Jude’s touch, a frown appearing on his face.
Wanting to help, Jude leans in and kisses him softly, his lips welcomed by the older one, who keeps the steady pace. Jude could still feel that Trent was upset, already thinking about ditching his mysterious meet up with Dominik to stay with him and cheer him up. It was a no brainer.
“He’d be stupid not to call you. You are great for us, he’s already stupid for not playing you. And even if that’s the case, we will find a way, T. It’s not impossible if we both want it enough, huh?”
“But it is, Jude.” Trent pushed him aside and sat up. His expression became bitter as he fidgeted with the skin on his fingers. “Things are not just easy because ‘we both want it’, sometimes just wanting isn’t enough. Like I don’t already want a lot of things to happen and they don’t magically turn true. Don’t be childish.”
Taken aback by the harshness of Trent’s words, Jude stays silent.
“If it reassures you more, we could always just properly start dating, you know.” Jude didn’t even know why he said that. Maybe he was thinking out loud, maybe something inside him pushed him to blurt that out, just to get it off his chest. Maybe as a way to reassure Jude himself more, not really thinking about Trent.
It had clearly been a mistake. Trent tensed up immediately and moved even more away from him, his expression almost offended by Jude’s words. It hurt Jude like crazy but it also ignited this bubbling anger deep inside, the way he almost looked disgusted because of what Jude said. Was it really that horrible? Did he really deserve to be looked at like this just for saying they should date? Like they weren’t kissing just some minutes ago.
“You need to stop it already. What would even change? Have you thought about it for more than a second? Would it change the fact that you and I live in different countries? That we have different agendas? That we wouldn’t be able to dedicate enough time to each other? Sometimes you make it obvious that you are five years younger than me. Give it a break, will you?”
Jude frowned as well, mimicking Trent’s sneer. Although if he had a mirror in front of him, he would realize it looked more like a pout. The Liverpool player could be a really mean person when he wanted to. But Jude could see Trent was hurting as well. He could see his own words were heartwrenching for him.
And that made Jude even angrier. Knowing that Trent, deep inside and despite all the things he said, wanted the same that Jude did. He knew Trent was devastated by the distance and by the lack of time but had a different approach to the situation than Jude. He didn’t let himself get his hopes up, he didn’t let himself aspire and crave it. He preferred to deny it, to shove it aside and discard even the sole thought. Jude was a dreamer and Trent was a pessimist. Maybe the scouse thought that it saved him the pain but, by the looks of it, he seemed to be the one suffering the most. Trent was stubborn like no one else and Jude wasn’t sure if he could ever make Trent realize the uselessness of his suppression of feelings.
Jude wasn’t able to eat up his words, like he tended to do. Not this time. He felt like he was going to explode. And Trent needed to hear it. “You contradict yourself so much with your actions that I won’t even try to explain it to you. It’s useless having a conversation when you are already settled on being miserable, Trent. Someday you are going to regret how much you sabotage your own happiness for the sake of keeping that unfazed facade. But I don’t think I’ll be around to see it, hopefully not. Goodbye.”
“Where are you even going?” Trent glared at him, questioning him with his big eyes as he saw him opening the door. He swears he could see a hint of jealousness. He must be going crazy.
“Why would I tell you? We aren’t anything, I don’t have to give you any explanations. Enjoy your night and I’ll enjoy mine.” Ignited by that itch of pettiness, Jude gave him a shit eating grin and closed the door.
God it felt good. But that had left him just feeling even more pissed. Fuck it, he was going to meet Dominik as they had planned. Let the bastard explain himself the best he could, he actually felt more intrigued now.