Chapter Text
The Doctor hated the pleading tone he heard in River’s voice when she told him that he always found a way to save her and that she expected him to do the same now. She put so much faith in him – far more than he deserved. But more, he hated it because it forced him to face the simple fact that he was her one weakness. She was right about him: he could never return that level of devotion to her. He had lived far too long, been through too much. Gallifrey wasn’t even a weakness for him now.
After several weeks of fighting with the TARDIS, he had learned enough about Clara to understand all that had happened. It wasn’t the same as remembering it, of course, but it was enough to get him by – so that he could understand for himself all that he had done. He still couldn’t remember what she had said to him in the cloisters, but through the information the TARDIS provided, he could guess a thing or two. That was why he was able to repeat words similar to the Dream-Danny about everything being ‘Last Christmas’, because while he couldn’t remember it, he now had the knowledge. He knew a thing or two about lying to himself and to others. The truth, in the end was painful. Even if it didn’t hurt quite as badly as if he actually had the memories, he knew how hard the truth could be.
River knew him far too well. She knew him well enough to know that his hatred of endings meant that he could never properly understand what ‘Happily ever after’ means. So, it was time to play their little game of imagery to talk about themselves. He agreed with her that a monolith couldn’t love someone back. But that’s not really what he meant. He meant that he knew that River, and really so many of his companions, held certain expectations about ‘love’ that he could never meet. He couldn’t meet them because he wasn’t human. He didn’t have the same concept of such things as they did. So the metaphor of the monolith was appropriate.
He started by explaining how long the towers had been there and all that they must have faced in that time. He was talking about himself, of course. Though, millions of years at this point for him, was billions. Then, there were two of them and the music. He hoped River would understand that he wasn’t only talking about the towers when he talked about how the distance between the monoliths played a part in creating the music. But even if she didn’t understand it, he had to tell her how he saw her, in his own way. “When the wind stands fair and the night is perfect, when you least expect it, but always when you need it the most, there is a Song.”
That was how he saw their relationship. Whenever he had least expected her, but always when he needed her the most, she was there. It’s just too bad that now he’s ahead of her in their timeline. He knew that would happen eventually, but it is a strange thing to be stood on the balcony experiencing it. At least the difference in their timelines wasn’t as vast as he was expecting. Especially when she didn’t recognise him.
It was a relief when he did not have to hide his secret any longer. River asked how long a night on Darillium lasted and he offered his smug little smile, just as she had said he would. He leaned down slightly, if only so he didn’t have to speak loudly and he whispered the answer, “Twenty-four years.”
It was worth it to see her reaction. He had to hold in his chuckle when she said she hated him.
She moved closer to him after that, resting one of her arms across his back. He looked down at her and she looked at him. Somehow, she realised that everything he had said, while exaggerated, was also very much who he was in this body. He wasn’t one to find kissing interesting and hand-holding was to happen only in certain circumstances.
And yet. He had asked her what she thought of his body. Vastra had been right about him. He only wanted to be accepted. As he was: whatever body or personality he happened to have.
They looked at each other and both ignored the towers for the monoliths stood next to them. He finally offered a very slight nod, a reply to the unasked question in River’s eyes. Yes, the next twenty-four years would be linear time and he would be there to share them with her. “But first… Dinner.”
He gestured behind them. While they had been having their conversation about the Towers, the table had been laid for their meal.
He offered his arm so he could escort her to her seat. Then he helped her with her chair. He could be a gentleman when he wanted to. Besides, he wanted to show her he wasn’t opposed to all kinds of touch.
Once he was sat in the seat across from her they both tucked into their meals. River stopped mid-bite and placed her free hand on her chest. “The diamond.”
The Doctor very pointedly focused on his plate.
“Doctor? What did you do with it?”
“What does it matter? You got paid.”
“I was planning to return it to them…”
He just gave her a long look. “And I gave it to someone who would ensure it’s prompt return. River, you’ve had time enough to research Darillium. What do you know of the restaurant?”
“It was built by a man who tried to rescue…. You! You gave him the diamond!”
He shrugged and gestured around them. “I think it was a sound investment. And everyone got what they wanted.”
River offered a flirty little smile. “Did they, now? I don’t think you have yet, but I’m certain I can fix that.”
The Doctor quirked an eyebrow. “Look under your chair.”
River looked confused at what seemed like a drastic change in topic. “Under my chair?”
He nodded and made a small gesture.
She sighed and did as she was told. She held up a book. It had a velvety maroon cover and the inside had a red silk lining – just like the jacket he wore when they first met – only twelve or so hours ago. The pages were blank. It was a diary. She looked up at him, confused. “What is this?”
He offered a small smile. “I told you not to worry.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Of course you don’t. This time… is ours. Yours and mine. This me. We’re off the pages of the other diary I gave to you for the next twenty-four years. But, I figured you’d be so used to cataloguing our adventures by now that you’d need something.”
He didn’t tell her that he planned for this diary to be left with him. Because a part of him always regretted leaving her diary behind, even though he knew he had to.
River’s eyes again glistened with unshed tears. “You don’t have to make up for all of the time we’ve spent apart at once. What will we do for the next twenty-four years?”
His smile broadened a little. “Oh, I’ve barely started.”
The irony that he had last uttered those words in anger and hatred wasn’t lost on him.
River smiled in return. “Best be careful, a girl could get used to being showered with gifts.”
He looked back down at his meal, intent on finishing it. His reply was soft. “I hope so.”
Because he planned to show her just how much he cared for and admired her. He only hoped it would be enough. Maybe after they spent enough time together he would learn how to express ‘love.’ That would take time, this he could do right now.
“It’s lovely. Thank you.”
He nodded and then started to eat again. After a few moments when he realised she hadn’t started again, he gestured to her plate. “Not to rush you, but really, eat. I didn’t park in the best location. And you were unconscious for longer than I’d like.”
River’s flirty smile returned. “Oh? Do you plan to give me a thorough examination?”
“If the TARDIS deems it necessary.”
That was a deflection if River had ever heard one. But, given everything she had learned about this incarnation of the Doctor, she knew it was best to not dwell on it.
They finished their meal with light conversation. Mostly it was River updating him on what had happened since Manhattan. And although she tried to hide it, the Doctor could hear the pain in her voice. She missed her parents. As well she should. When she couldn’t have the Doctor, she had always had them. It made him regret not trying to find her.
Finally, they returned to the TARDIS. The Doctor set some coordinates to get her out of the foyer. Then he gestured to one of the doors. “Medbay.”
“Doctor, is this really necessary? I’m fine. If I were suffering a concussion or anything I would have had more symptoms by now.”
He just gave her a pointed look.
She sighed, but acquiesced. She sat on one of the beds and slid out of her feathery shawl as seductively as she could. The Doctor didn’t seem to notice at all. She should know better. Noticing such things was never his forte, no matter the body he was in.
Once he was ready, he came over to her and performed the scans. He looked at the results the TARDIS displayed on the screen. He nodded to himself. “You’ll be fine. Might have some bruises and be a bit sore tomorrow…”
“Doctor, just how much fun are we planning to have tonight?”
He raised an eyebrow. “I think we’ve had enough fun for one day.”
River didn’t push harder. “Right. Your turn.”
He frowned. “’My turn?’”
River nodded. “You were tossed around just as much.”
“I’m less breakable.”
His frown deepened when he said that. He could have sworn he had this conversation before with someone…
River noticed that the Doctor seemed lost in his own world, so she gently cupped his cheek and quietly spoke his name. “Doctor?”
…Must have been Clara. But someone is touching him and saying his name. He doesn’t startle, but he opens his eyes to find River. He gestures to the scanner. “Go ahead.”
Because he knew this was a losing battle.
River scanned him and found that his ability of rapid healing had again worked. She gave a nod of acceptance. Then she grinned with a tiny sparkle in her eye. “You’re fine.” She paused for a brief moment before continuing, “But you asked me what I thought of your body and I’ve still only seen your face.”
She reached out to try to capture the edges of his tie and he captured her hands in his. “Not here….”
She let out a sigh, but she tried to not sounds disappointed. “We landed, so where are we?”
He smiled at that. “Clever. We’re home, if you want to be.”
Again that phrase seemed familiar somehow.
River smiled in return and they made their way out of the TARDIS.