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As Randolph’s bleary eyes blinked open that morning, he wanted nothing more than to pull the covers over his head and hide from the world. This wasn’t a new feeling for him, being the anniversary of his father’s death, but it was particularly strong this year after having reached the milestone of thirty years since his dad passed away. As if that hadn’t been enough to deal with, there were several other factors that were making this year more difficult to contend with: the unwanted memories that had been creeping up on him again and again for the past couple of weeks, the wisdom that came with getting older and understanding more about the world and himself, the recent reflections on his own life and how much it had changed and grown especially in the past decade, getting what could only be generously described as a restless sleep the night before, and for the first time in a long time not having something to distract him. Normally he’d throw himself into work on the anniversary, avoiding everything he was feeling and channeling his focus solely on fixing people and saving lives, but ever since he’d stepped back from surgery his time at Chastain was dedicated to teaching and mentoring the interns and residents and consulting occasionally on the most difficult cases. He’d found fulfillment in this new phase of his career, relishing the chance to influence and shape the next generation of doctors and surgeons, but the one downside was that it offered him fewer opportunities to busy himself enough to get out of his own head. By contrast, the one advantage his newer circumstances gave him was a greater ability to get away from people and just be left alone. For one day a year he didn’t want to be obligated to talk to people and make idle chit-chat or to be asked if he was alright if someone was astute enough to pick up on his being sullen and withdrawn. It was in his nature to keep the pain to himself and hide it away so no one could try to use it against him or worse, so no one would pity him. In all of his serious relationships, including his first two marriages, the topic of his father and his death almost never came up and when it did, he was cagey enough in answering that they’d never bothered to bring it up again.
But with Kit, as was so often the case, things were different.
Though there were some things that he still found too hard to address, he nonetheless found himself wanting to share his father with her, telling her stories that he’d always assumed would be forgotten with him. She asked questions without any pressure or expectations for him to answer and because of that, he found that he often spoke for longer than he ever intended to. Despite never having told her the significance of this day, she’d somehow figured out it out rather early in their friendship and she always gave him space, letting him process however he needed. More often than not it meant that he didn’t see much of her on the day, and though it made him feel slightly guilty he honestly didn’t know any other way.
As his eyes drifted over to the bedside alarm clock and saw that it was nearly 10 am, he decided that he would, in fact, stay in bed and try to go back to sleep and hopefully spend most of the day hiding away. He reasoned that should that plan fail, he could always resort to another tried and true avoidance method that he’d relied on in those first few years, namely drinking his way into dulling and numbing the storm inside.
What he hadn’t accounted for was the fact that this year he would not be spending it alone.
Barely a minute after deciding on his game plan, he heard the telltale signs of someone walking across the second floor hallway, which was soon followed by the careful opening of their bedroom door. For a moment he contemplated feigning sleep but she caught him too quickly.
“Sorry, I just wanted to grab a sweater. I was trying not to disturb you if you were having a lie-in.”
Any other day he would’ve taken her insinuation with good humour, but today was not one of those days. “I’m not having a ‘lie-in.’ I didn’t sleep well so I’m exhausted.”
“I’m aware...” she stated matter-of-factly and then trailed off, continuing to make her way over to the dresser.
That response also grated on him but he tried to mask most of it as he asked, “Why are you home today?”
Her face flashed briefly with something that did not look pleased but she didn’t let that stop her. “I didn’t feel like going in to deal with a mass of paperwork when I can just as easily do it here. Besides, this way I won’t be pulled into every little situation that comes up.”
There was truth in her answer but he knew that there was another driving force for her actions and he had a very good idea of what that was, and no matter how well-intentioned the notion, it didn’t sit well with him. “I don’t need –”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be quiet. You won’t even know I’m here.” Sweater in hand, she flashed him a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes and started back towards the door. “Don’t feel like you need to get up for my sake. Try and get some better rest if you can.”
His next retort died in his mouth as she left the room as quickly as she entered and he threw himself back on his pillows in frustration, both at the world and at himself. After spending a few minutes staring at the ceiling to no avail, he threw himself onto his side facing away from the door and hoped he’d pass out sooner rather than later.
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The next time his eyes opened, he knew it was at least early afternoon based on the fact that the sun was no longer streaming in through the windows. A quick look over to the nightstand confirmed that it was just after 1 pm and even if he wanted to stay put, his back was starting to protest from lying down for too long. Feeling only slightly less exhausted than when he first woke up, he dragged himself from bed and shuffled into the ensuite. A hot shower helped to ease his physical aches and he did his best to rush through his shaving routine, trying to avoid the memories of watching his father do the same while seated on the counter as a little boy or being taught how to properly shave once his peach fuzz actually gave way to proper facial hair. He wondered if those memories would have stayed away if he’d opted to forgo the shave, but his father had always been clean shaven and if nothing else, he wanted to honour that today.
What the shower and the shave did not fix was the headache he could feel building behind his eyes, so after throwing on a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt – yet another homage to his dad, though not as intentional this time – he made his way downstairs for some coffee in hopes that the pain was just a result of caffeine withdrawal. He wasn’t expecting to come downstairs to the aroma of a freshly brewed pot or the note in Kit’s familiar scrawl:
I made the pot at 12:45 to power me through the afternoon. I also made an extra sandwich and left it in the fridge in case you’re hungry.
He grabbed one of their oversized mugs and filled it nearly to the brim, taking that first sip of near-scalding elixir and feeling his head start to ease up. He debated whether or not to go for the sandwich she’d prepared but after his stomach lodged its opinion, he yanked open the fridge and found a saran-wrapped plate front and centre. Pulling it out, he immediately huffed at the fact that it was cut in half.
“What, no crusts cut off?” he snapped aloud to no one in particular as he placed the dish on the counter and freed one half from its confines. Taking a bite, he discovered it to be a turkey sandwich with a slice of mozzarella and a thin layer of mayonnaise, just the way he liked it. After a second bite, a nagging voice in the back of his mind reminded him that Kit had done these things for him despite his treating her with thinly-veiled hostility this morning, and his stomach churned with feelings of self-loathing and guilt. He forced himself to finish the last few bites and gulp down what remained in the mug before replacing the plate in the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. For a fleeting moment he contemplated heading to their shared office and apologizing for his behaviour but he felt that in this state he was likely to go off again so perhaps it was best to give her a wide berth. The nagging voice also chose that exact moment to suggest that he didn’t deserve to see her anyways, not if he couldn’t figure out how to stop externalizing his own pain on her.
Driven by fear and guilt, he trudged back upstairs and bypassed their room for one of the guest bedrooms, somewhere he could hopefully hide and inflict no further damage on the one person he loved the most.
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He arrived at his childhood home with five minutes to spare, knowing how much his dad appreciated punctuality. His first two knocks at the door went unanswered, which was odd given that he’d pre-arranged this visit on their last phone call three days ago. Pressing his ear to the door and hearing the faint sounds of either the television or the radio, he pulled out his keys and unlocked the front door to holler inside.
“Dad? You home?”
“In the den, Randy.”
Closing the door behind himself, he padded down the hallway to the small bedroom his parents had turned into a home office for running the hardware store. Since his dad had sold the store a number of years ago, the office now held a couple of arm chairs and a small TV set, and it had become the one room his dad spent the most time in. As he crossed the threshold, he saw his dad place the remote on the side table and then struggle to lift himself to his feet. Hurrying to his side in slight concern, Randolph steadied his father by wrapping him up in a tight hug and breathed a little easier when he received a tight hug in return.
“You OK, Pop?” Randolph easily slipped into his familiar role as the doting son as he pulled back and felt the hand his father cupped on the side of his head in affection.
“Better for seeing you, son.” The warm smile his father gave him was quickly returned as Randolph helped lower him back into the chair, but he turned serious soon after.
“Dad –”
“I’m fine, Randy. My arthritis is just acting up today. I’m an old man, remember?” He laughed despite himself, choosing not to comment on how his dad, at age 64, wouldn’t be considered to be a senior citizen yet by many standards and metrics. “But enough about me – tell me about you. How is work going?”
Randolph spent the next fifteen minutes regaling his dad with stories of all his most recent trials and tribulations at Chastain before transitioning into asking about how his dad was doing. He knew that in the two-plus years since his mother passed away that his dad had been feeling lonely and isolated – and it didn’t help that he was busy with his own life and career – but he took heart in hearing that his dad had been visiting with neighbours and getting together with old fishing buddies now that it was warming up again. He’d been just about to ask after other family members when his dad, out of nowhere, inquired, “When are you going to settle down and get married, Randy?”
“What?!” The question really threw him for a loop. Sure, his dad had inquired about his love life from time to time, but he’d never asked in such a direct manner; that had been his mother’s tactic, but with the additional guilt trip of ‘grandbabies’ added for good measure.
“By the time I was your age I’d been married for almost twenty years, your mother and I were running a successful business, and we were raising you right here in this very house. I know your job is very important to you and I respect that, but life is about more than just your career and you’re not getting any younger, my boy.”
Randolph let out a nervous laugh as his hand latched onto the back of his neck, trying to relieve the tension that had suddenly crept up on him.
“Are you seeing anyone at the moment?”
Apparently this topic wasn’t going to go away so easily, but he was still going to try and wiggle out of it anyways. “I’m practically living at the hospital, Dad, so I don’t have a lot of time to –”
“You aren’t any better at lying now than you were as a boy.”
“I...I...”
“And if I couldn’t already tell that you’re lying, your scarlet red face would be a dead giveaway. Spill it, son.”
Feeling his cheeks flame just that much more for the callout, he resigned himself to telling at least some of the truth. “I’ve been seeing a woman named Donna, but it’s still very early days.”
“So spend some more time with this Donna and see where it takes you.”
“It’s not that simple, Dad. I never know what my schedule will look like from one week to the next, and she’s really busy with her...career as well.” He hoped his dad didn’t pick up on his slight pause or the fact that he was not disclosing the whole truth once again. Yes, Donna was busy with her job but she was also busy taking care of her young son. Since Randolph himself was only aware of the boy’s existence, he didn’t feel comfortable saying anything more and potentially inviting questions that he could not answer.
“Well, do you think she could be ‘The One’?”
Randolph scoffed at the phrase. “What does that even mean?!”
“Is she someone you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with?”
“We barely know each other, Pop! How could I possibly know that?!”
“Believe me, when you know you know.”
Once again, Randolph made a derisive noise and then felt the intensity of his father’s eyes on him. “What?!”
“What are you so afraid of, Randolph?”
The use of his full name by either of his parents had always been an indicator of a serious topic of conversation and they’d always shown great patience in waiting for him to spill his guts – whether he wanted to or not.
“What if I’m not ready? What if I’m really bad at it? I don’t want to mess it all up.”
When his father’s reaction was to let out a deep belly laugh, his head whipped around and his eyes started to bulge out of his head. “What the –”
“Allow me to let you in on a little secret, Randy: nobody is ready to get married to another person, especially if they’ve never done it before. And another thing: no matter how hard you try, you will make mistakes in your relationship. In your line of work, mistakes come with life and death consequences, so I understand your reticence but put Dr. Bell to the side for a moment and remember that you’re more than the two letters before your name or the two letters after it. Making mistakes is how we learn and grow and evolve. You can’t let the fear of messing up or failing keep you from living life to the fullest. The only way you can ever truly fail at something is if you never even try it.”
Randolph stayed silent for a time, letting his father’s words sink in.
“I can see that there’s something else weighing on your heart.”
He let out a heavy sigh, knowing he couldn’t lie after his father rightly guessed about another fear he harboured, but this one was of a more delicate nature so he knew he had to tread lightly.
“I’ve always admired the kind of relationship you and Mom had – the love and respect you had for each other, the support you showed one another, the true partnership that the two of you had over your years together. That’s the kind of relationship I’m trying to find for myself, something that can live up to the example you two showed me, but it’s scares me too. I don’t know if I could...I don’t know how you...”
“Oh...oh.”
He watched the dark cloud come over his father’s face and he felt awful for opening his mouth at all. “I’m sorry, Pop, I –”
The gentle hand that gripped his forearm stopped any further words and he turned to face his father, taking in the wistful look in his eyes. “I was very lucky to have found your mother, but that doesn’t mean that everything was always easy between us. What you saw was the result of a lot of work, both with her and on myself. Those first couple of years, I wasn’t even sure we were going to make it.”
“What?!” Randolph truly had no idea how to reconcile his father’s words with the memories of the parents he grew up with.
“There were a couple of different reasons why, of course. As I already said, nobody is ever ready for marriage and we were very young, barely out of high school. I was just shy of 20 on our wedding day and your mother had turned 19 only a month earlier. We were madly in love but we didn’t know what we were doing. I felt a lot of pressure to be the man of the house and provide for my family – we had this house to pay for and my job at the hardware store didn’t leave us with a lot of leftover money at the end of the month. We had to borrow money from our parents to cover bills and an unexpected roof repair that first year, once from mine and once from hers. Relatively speaking it was only a small amount, just a couple hundred dollars each time, but it filled me with shame. And then once I actually took over the store and saw how hard it was to run a successful business, it all just made me feel like an utter failure. I convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough for your mother, that I could never make her happy or provide for her like she deserved, and I started to pull away. She tried to talk with me to figure out what was going on but I would just pick a fight and make things worse. We were both miserable and I just kept waiting for the day she would pack her bags and leave me.”
“What changed?”
“My mother passed away. You have to remember, I was the youngest child in my family so while my father, brothers, and uncles were off fighting in Europe and the Pacific, it was just her and I back at home. She’d always doted on me as ‘her baby’ but we got especially close during those years while we looked after each other and worried about everyone who was off fighting in the war. When she died I was heartbroken; she was only 52 and it was so sudden. I didn’t know what to do with my grief other than shoving it down and pretending I was fine. Six weeks later, I was barely eating and sleeping and I collapsed at the store and cracked my head open on the corner of the checkout counter. I was diagnosed with a mild concussion and exhaustion and was ordered on two weeks of bed rest. Your mother didn’t even bat an eyelash, she just tucked me right into bed and took care of me.
“For the first couple of days I was stubborn and insolent and argumentative and just an awful patient, but she just stayed by my side. At some point, I asked her why she was still there, why she hadn’t realized what a failure I was and left me to save herself. I can still remember the stricken look on her face as she asked me what I meant and I just let it all out. All my fears, all my grief, I was just so tired of holding it all in. When I finally got everything off my chest, I thought your mother would run for the hills but instead she held my hand, told me she loved me and that she wasn’t going anywhere without me. I was so relieved that I completely broke down and I held onto her hand so tightly, it was the lifeline that I so desperately needed in that moment. For the rest of my time recovering, we talked everything over and we came out of it stronger than ever. We learned that we were at our best when we worked together and relied on each other, and that’s how we navigated our relationship going forward. I still had some work to do on myself, but at least I was secure in knowing that your mother would be at my side, no matter what.”
In hearing his father share his vulnerabilities, Randolph felt safer in sharing his own more clearly. “But that’s just it, Pop, you and Mom had this unbelievable relationship but now you’re here without her. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to survive a loss like that.”
“So you think it’s better not to try at all, to avoid the risk of being hurt like that?” Something in his father’s tone made him leery of speaking, so he quickly nodded his head while avoiding direct eye contact. “Love is not a risk, Randolph, it’s a privilege. I had the honour of loving your mother for more than 45 years and I wouldn’t trade one single minute of it, good or bad. I never fully understood the power of what she’d done for me in those early years until she got sick. A few times she tried to push me away, to get me to find someone else to look after her, but I just held on even tighter. She was afraid to let me see her at her worst but it just made her more beautiful and precious to me. That’s unconditional love in its purest form; loving someone when it’s easy is one thing but if you can find someone to love you through the hard stuff, you accept that gift no matter the cost. I’ll be the first to admit that I miss her every second of every day and this is not how I’d imagined our lives would unfold, but it’s our story. Just because it doesn’t have the fairytale happy ending that you’d expect doesn’t mean that it’s a tragedy. Yes, there is a possibility that you could get hurt but there’s also every possibility that you could become the best possible version of yourself with them at your side. You ask people every day to put their lives in your hands for a chance to be better, so why not put your heart in the hands of someone who will help you be better too?”
“I...I...”
“I just want you to promise me one thing.”
Daring to be brave, he looked his father right in the eye. “Yes.”
“Think about what I said, Randolph, that’s all – just think about it.”
Fighting against the lump quickly forming in his throat, he reached for his father’s hand and gave it a firm squeeze. “I will, Dad, I promise.”
The two men shared a smile and then he watched his father reach for the TV remote once more. “Got time to watch the ballgame with your old man?”
“Always, Pop.”
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One minute Randolph was sitting in his childhood home talking to his father and the next he was sitting alone in a sun-drenched room. As his heart threatened to beat out of his chest from the disorientation, it took him an extra few seconds to recognize that he was sitting in one of the guest rooms at his own home, the one he shared with the person who’s been and done for him everything his father had spoken about. Brushing away the tears that were streaming down his cheeks, he took some time to re-orient himself in the present but he couldn’t help but reflect on that particular memory at the same time. That conversation had happened only a few months before his father’s passing and it was one he hadn’t truly thought about in years, partially due to his own romantic history and partially due to the vulnerability they’d both shared that day.
After years of being let down by love, it was just easier to believe that the type of relationship his parents had just wasn’t meant for everyone; being on the other side of it now, though, he truly saw the difference and why his father was so adamant that he take a risk with his heart. In his lowest moments after the MS diagnosis, when he’d tried to save Kit by pushing her away, she’d refused to leave his side. And then in the first year of their marriage as Governor Betz tried to destroy his career and his character, she had once again been his stalwart companion and his fiercest defender, even when it wasn’t in her own best interests. But now that he faced another trying time, when she so clearly wanted to help him through it even from a distance, all he could seem to do was feel resentful and irritated. He’d felt guilt in the moment for his behaviour, however fleeting it had been, but with his father’s words and lessons so clear in his mind now, all he could feel was shame. For a time it seemed like the best thing to do was to continue to isolate himself as some sort of punishment, but as the ill feelings grew and grew inside him to the point of being overwhelming, he knew that he’d have no peace of mind until he at least tried to make amends.
On slightly unsteady legs, he made his way downstairs again and noticed for the first time how silent it was. It wasn’t unusual for Kit to have something on to serve as background noise while she worked so to hear nothing was not a good sign. After checking the foyer on his way by and finding both sets of car keys hanging in their places, he realized that the silence was likely out of deference to him and it settled heavily on his shoulders. Unable to bear the weight any longer, he staggered over to their shared office and gripped tightly to the doorframe for balance as he found her there hard at work. He didn’t realize that he wasn’t as quiet as he thought until her head whipped around to him in surprise.
“Did you ne –” Her demeanor changed to concern in the blink of an eye. “Randolph, what’s wrong?” The concern quickly morphed into panic as he remained silent because the response was caught in his throat. “Darling, you’re scaring me...”
The physical and vocal tremor, combined with her words, finally pushed him into action and he crossed the distance between them in three strides and clung to her for all he was worth.
“I’m sorry, Kit...I’m so sorry.” He repeated the phrase over and over again like a broken record and held on tight, hoping she’d accept and that maybe he could find a bit of peace for the first time in more than a week.
It took only a few cycles of apologies for Kit to gently break his hold and raise her hands reverently to his face, her thumbs moving to disperse the tears that still fell. “What are you apologizing for, Randolph?”
“Today...past weeks...pushed away...isolating...short...rude...awful...don’t deserve you...” His thoughts were as disjointed as his words but she was quick to get to the heart of the matter.
“Hush, love. You’re hurting right now, I know that. It’s alright, I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
What little control he had disappeared and he latched onto Kit once more, letting out years and years – perhaps thirty years’ worth – of pain and anguish, and true to her word she stayed right at his side, whispering words of comfort as she held him up and held him together.
At a certain point, Randolph felt himself being pushed backwards until his knees hit what he assumed was Kit’s chair. Feeling slightly off-balance, he reached down to steady himself on the arm rest but when she continued to crowd him towards the chair, he released his hold on her and collapsed into the supple leather. His arms didn’t stay empty for long as she climbed into his lap, leaning her weight against him as one arm snaked around his shoulders and her fingers began to soothingly shift through the hair on the back of his head. He looped his arms around her frame and linked his hands at her hip to keep her in place and let the feeling of her solid form and weight help to anchor him as he sought to regroup.
Neither of them seemed in any hurry to move or speak so it wasn’t clear how much time passed until he let out what was probably his first deep breath in quite a few days. He then felt Kit’s lips make contact with his temple and his eyes slipped closed for a moment at the feeling and when he opened them again to turn and focus on her, she gave him a bright smile.
“Hello you,” she gently commented before letting out a small sigh of relief.
“Hi,” he replied just as quietly and as his mind started to process his actions since coming into the office, he felt compelled to say, “I’m sor –”
The sudden surprise of her lips on his cut off the rest of the word and derailed his train of thought. She pulled back again as quickly as she’d swooped in with a determined face and said, “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, sweetheart. I know that this is a day that you don’t look forward to and I imagine it’s probably worse this year than others because of how long it’s been.” His solemn nod was all the reply he needed to give. “If I’m being completely honest, I have been worried about you for the past week or so. You’ve been more distant and off in your mind than I think I’ve ever seen you before and you’ve appeared to be in a fair bit of pain, but I didn’t want to push you.”
“I’m s –” This time he stopped himself, meeting her raised eyebrow with a sheepish look. “I didn’t mean to worry you, Kit. It’s just been a lot to deal with, more than I ever expected. The memories have been overwhelming, both the good and bad ones.”
“That’s completely understandable because I know how much your parents mean to you, and your father especially. I never wanted to force you into talking about it – I still don’t – but I didn’t want you to be completely alone either. Even if you didn’t speak to me at all today, I hoped that my being nearby could be a comfort to you.”
Impossibly, his arms tightened even more around her slender frame. “It has been, even if I have a terrible way of showing it. Thank you for keeping close, even after I was an ass about it.”
“I wouldn’t say that you were that bad, just more prickly than I’m used to from you, but nothing I can’t handle. You’ll not be rid of me that easily.”
Her second utterance of that particular sentiment brought that most recent memory to mind and with it came another idea. Though reluctant at first, the idea quickly cemented itself in his brain and for once he chose not to question it. “Will you go somewhere with me, Kit? I’d like to show you something.”
He barely had time to finish the question before she was nodding her head in agreement. “Anywhere, Randolph.”
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It took only fifteen minutes for them to get on the road, Randolph confidently navigating the car with one hand while the other stayed intertwined with Kit’s. As they’d pulled out of the driveway he’d decided to take a slightly roundabout route to their final destination, realizing that there was one other important stop he needed to make along the way. When he eventually pulled over and put the car in park, he leaned forward to stare out the windshield and marvelled at just how much the old neighbourhood had changed. Trying to wrack his brain for the last time he’d actually been by, he heard Kit quietly ask, “Is this what you wanted to show me?”
He shook his head at her. “Not exactly, but it’s related. This is where I grew up and that right over there,” he used his free hand to point at the two-story red brick home just ahead on the right, “is where my childhood home used to be.”
“Used to be?”
“Yeah, maybe twenty years ago now, the owner tore down the house I grew up in and built that one in its place. It must have been the start of a trend because this entire block used to be all bungalows and it used to be teeming with children. There’s a grade school a couple of streets over and a baseball diamond around the corner – that’s where I was whenever I wasn’t needed at the store to help out.”
“It sounds like a wonderful place to grow up.”
“It was.” His attention turned to a house a little further down on the left and he let out a chuckle when he saw the tree still standing tall in the front yard. “This is even where I had my first kiss with Suzie Brenner underneath that big oak tree four doors down on the other side of the street.”
“I can just imagine little ‘Casanova Bell,’ making the ladies swoon over you.”
“We were eight – we smashed our foreheads together in our eagerness and when we tried again I accidentally bit her lip. She ran back into her house crying afterwards and I never thought I’d kiss another girl again!”
“Well, your technique has improved greatly since then, I can tell you that much!”
He didn’t stop the huff of laughter that wanted out as a result of her teasing comment and though he was still feeling very morose, it helped to ease a little of his pain.
“Perhaps...that is, only if you want to, we could come back here and you could show me around the neighbourhood...if that’s alright with you.”
He knew exactly why she was being so tentative, though it really wasn’t necessary at all in his mind. Turning to face her, he made sure he had her full attention before he replied, “I would love that.”
The tiny confines of the car couldn’t mask her relieved sigh and she quickly raised their joined hands to kiss the back of his knuckles. “Me too.”
Taking one last glance around, he let out a deep breath before starting the engine again. “It’s about time that I show you my first home away from home.”
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When he put the car into park for a second time, Randolph’s stomach was tied up in knots. Blatantly ignoring his unease and anxiety, he stepped out of the car and quickly went to open the passenger door for Kit, who smiled up at him for the gentlemanly gesture. Staring at the sole remaining tangible link to his childhood and his parents, he was quickly overcome by decades’ worth of memories and it was enough to have him stumbling back into the car. Shutting his eyes against the onslaught, he pressed himself against the solid metal and prayed that the whooshing sound in his ears would stop soon. As his heart continued to race and he struggled to breathe normally, a part of him feared that he was about to pass out until he felt his hand connect with warmth and a steady heartbeat. He swore he could hear Kit’s voice calling out to him, but it took a minute for him to be able to focus clearly on her words.
“Breathe with me, darling. Slow in, slow out. Just focus on your breathing and block out whatever else is going on in your mind. That’s it, slow in and slow out...”
The words themselves faded away again as he focused on breathing and on her presence once more holding him together. When he felt back under control, he took a step forward and finally opened his eyes to find a Kit that looked more than a little rattled, despite how quickly she tried to mask it.
“Are you alright, Randolph?”
“Better now, I guess. I wasn’t expecting that to happen; the memories hit harder than I was anticipating they would.”
“We don’t have to –”
“No, I think we do.” With a heavy sigh, he began to explain. “I know I’ve mentioned that my parents were cremated. My mom’s ashes stayed at my father’s bedside until he passed and then I ended up with both of their urns. Though neither had left any formal burial instructions, they’d both made comments over the years about not wanting me to be wasting time visiting a gravestone, so I ended up spreading their ashes over this lake that backed a small resort we visited on vacation and had such great memories from. With my childhood home gone and no grave to visit, this building is what remains of that life with my parents...and I haven’t stepped foot in it on over thirty years, ever since my dad sold the business to take care of my mom.”
“I’ve been in it a few times...” His head snapped up in disbelief and something on his face seemed to make her quick to clarify, “Not in your family’s hardware store. It was a restaurant when I was here perhaps twenty years ago. I had no idea that this was where the store was.”
“The hardware store didn’t last long once Dad sold it. Since then it’s been an independent grocer, an antique shop, several different types of restaurants, two coffee shops, a bookstore, and now this hybrid coffeehouse/bookstore.” At her surprised look, he quietly admitted, “Even if I haven’t been able to go inside, I’ve kept tabs on this place.”
She smiled as she extended her hand towards him and asked, “Care to accompany your wife inside, then?”
Instead of vocalizing his answer, he bravely took her hand and led them straight through the front door. His mind struggled to sift through the overlapping images of the hardware store and the space’s current iteration until he felt Kit squeeze his hand.
“There’s a small booth tucked in the back corner that looks to be free. I’ll go rustle up a pair of drinks if you’d like to go grab us a seat?” He gave a quick nod and then felt her lips land on his cheek. “I’ll be as quick as I can, darling,” she whispered near his ear and then stepped away with an encouraging smile.
Without the distraction, his mind once again wandered back over decades’ worth of memories. Feeling himself start to become overwhelmed again, he forced himself to take a deep breath and walk over to the appointed booth. Sinking down into the worn upholstery, he tried to stop the onslaught by closing his eyes but that only served to bring one memory to the forefront, one of his earliest memories that he’d forgotten for decades, one that by his estimation happened in just about this exact same spot. Despite himself, he smiled at the recollection of his tiny self trying to be so grown-up and practical, much to his father’s utter shock and embarrassment once he’d figured out what young Randolph had been about to do.
“I’m glad that something has brought a smile back to your face.”
He glanced up to see her coming to a stop at their booth, sliding a steaming cup in front of him before taking her place opposite him. “It’s decaf – I figured it might be better to forgo the regular coffee this late in the day.”
He took the cup in hand and took a healthy sip, letting the smile grow on his face as the warm elixir warmed him figuratively and literally.
“Can I ask what that something is?”
“Right at this very moment, it’s you.” The sincere response earned him a delighted grin and he knew that she’d love his full answer even more. “Before you came back, I was thinking about a toilet.”
“What in –”
“This was the plumbing section of the store and there were two floor-model commodes that sat next to each other right about where I’m sitting. One day when I was about two or three years old, I ran up to my dad and told him that I had to go to the bathroom. He was busy doing some paperwork or something and was pretty distracted so after checking that I was comfortable going on my own, he said something like ‘Go ahead, you know what to do’ and went back to whatever he was working on. Less than a minute later he came running over yelling ‘Stop!’ and then he scooped me up in his arms and ran us over to the actual bathroom.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I was about five seconds away from using one of those floor models when he came running over, pants around the ankles and everything.”
“Oh. My. Goodness.”
“Yup. Luckily Mom saw the direction I was heading in and after she asked my dad what I had wanted, she put two and two together really quickly.”
“Didn’t you know where the actual bathroom was?!”
“I did...but the floor models were closer.”
“Oh, darling...”
“Don’t worry, my parents didn’t let me live it down for years.”
“I can see why...truthfully, I’m considering taking up the cause myself. You know that I never like to pass up a good opportunity to tease you.”
“You don’t say...” Another quiet chuckle followed his declaration and like earlier he felt lighter for having let it out. They lapsed into silence for a time until Kit’s fidgeting hand on her cup drew his attention and then hers as well.
“I asked for cups so we could have options.”
He immediately caught her unspoken meaning – so they could leave with their drinks if it was too hard for him being here – and he reached out to take that fidgeting hand in his own, his thumb sweeping over her knuckles and rings over and over in an attempt to soothe them both.
“It’s alright. It’s still a lot but I think it’s helping.” Pausing to glance around the shop, he then turned back to speak to her again. “I didn’t think I’d ever be able to step foot in here again, but I’m glad I did. I thought that the best way to deal with my grief was to push it aside, to keep moving forward and not dwell on the past or on the pain. That’s what my parents seemed to do when both my grandfathers passed away when I was still a boy, and I remember both my parents and my first grade teacher telling me not to bring up the topic of death when my classmate’s father passed away unexpectedly.”
“Poor thing, there’s never a good time to lose the people we love but for it to happen at such a young age...”
“But that’s just what I mean: I have no idea what it was like for her because it just never came up again. She was out of school for a couple of weeks and my entire class made sympathy cards for the family but once she was back in class we all just moved on. The same thing happened when I was a teen and the older brother of one of my classmates was killed while serving in Vietnam. He was a senior when I was a freshman and we all looked up to him because he was so cool and the most popular guy around the school, but after his death it was almost like he’d never existed.”
“Perhaps they thought that was best all ‘round, so as to not burden you at such a young age with something adults themselves can barely comprehend and struggle to deal with.”
“Sure, but with no other tools at my disposal, I was left to deal with it as an adult no different than when I was a kid, and look where that got me.”
“Bottling things up for decades?”
“Not just that – it’s been a lot of avoidance too. I thought I’d forgotten so many things about my parents, but the past week has shown me that a lot of it is still in here,” he said as he gestured towards his head.
“And I think, regardless of what else is going on, it’s always stayed in here,” she told him as she reached out to flatten her hand over his heart and he was quick to trap it under his own hand as he struggled to bite back a sudden wave of tears.
“My parents would have loved you,” he managed to get the words out with only a slightly trembling voice as he tightened his hold over her hand, still seemingly afraid of her disappearing despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
“How could I possibly not adore them because they raised you – I don’t need to meet them in person to know that.”
They silently watched each other for a long moment, allowing their eyes to speak volumes for them as they so often did. Eventually, he could see and feel her arm growing fatigued from being held aloft so he loosened his grip and lowered them both to the tabletop, earning himself a smile when he threaded their fingers together once more.
“So...” she began slowly, rubbing her thumb over his to make sure she had his full attention, “did the hardware store take up this whole place or has it been portioned off since your father sold the business?”
“No, this is the entire store – somehow it’s managed to stay intact throughout the years and changes in tenants. It wasn’t anywhere near as big as the Home Depots and Lowe’s nowadays, but it had a little bit of everything – plumbing, electrical, HVAC, tools, paint, and a very select inventory of lumber that came in every summer and lived outside. I’m sure you can guess who carted most of that around once he was big enough to carry it.”
“A veritable one-stop shop for all of your DIY needs, without the pesky corporate overlords.” She gave a little chuckle and then there was a teasing twinkle in her eye that caught his attention.
“What?”
“I’m just curious about something. We’ve already established your credentials as the ‘Don Juan’ of Atlanta, but it just occurred to me to ask if you ever tried to use the family hardware store to try and land yourself a girl.”
His face flamed scarlet red in the blink of an eye and hers spoke to her delight at being proven correct. She managed to keep the bragging to a minimum by picking up her coffee in her free hand and using the cup to shield her mouth, and it allowed him to collect himself so he could start the tale.
“That story includes both of my parents and Suzie Brenner, though she wasn’t the girl I was trying to impress.”
“How scandalous! Tell me everything!”
“Well, it was the summer before my sophomore year and I had just turned 16...”
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In no time at all, coffee cups went from piping hot and full to stone cold and empty and the bright sun of late afternoon gave way to twilight as one story after another flowed out of Randolph. Some were happy, some were sad, some hilarious, other embarrassing, but each one, when completed, took with it a measure of the weight that had been plaguing him for decades.
When they’d first arrived at the building and he had such a visceral reaction to it, it’d looked like they wouldn’t be able to go inside; now it seemed like they were never going to leave and he found that he didn’t mind in the slightest. He’d finally found a way to bridge the life he’d started out with, with the one he was living now without ripping a hole within himself, and as with all things, Kit was integral to that. She gave him the ability to be the best version of himself and the space to fall apart when he needed to, all under the ever-present guise of her unwavering love and support. It may have taken a lot longer than he’d ever imagined, but he finally had the kind of relationship that his father had so strongly advocated was out there for him.
“Excuse me, sir, ma’am, but we’re closing in ten minutes.”
He hadn’t realized that they were no longer on their own until the quiet voice spoke those words and then his head whipped around to meet a slightly petrified-looking young man no more than eighteen years old. For a split second he saw his younger self in the teen and it was enough to leave him momentarily speechless. As they both stared at each other in silence, Kit stepped in to fill the void.
“Of course. We must have completely lost track of time; the atmosphere you’ve established here is so warm and inviting, it’s easy to forget that we have to leave! I hope we haven’t delayed you in being able to close up for the night.”
“Nnn-no, it’s fine! I can’t really sweep up until we’re officially closed anyways.”
Randolph noticed the colour start to rise on the young man’s cheeks and he bit the inside of his own to hide a smirk.
“Well, we’ll tidy up after ourselves on the way out regardless. Please give our regards to your manager on a wonderful establishment and a courteous staff; I’m sure this won’t be the last time we come here. Have yourself a delightful evening.”
“I-I will. And thanks, you-you too.” The young man scrambled away in a hurry and Randolph waited until he was clearly out of earshot to let loose a hearty, but quiet chuckle.
“What?!” Kit asked in faux innocence, since she was barely concealing a smirk herself.
“The Kit Voss charm offensive strikes again.”
“I’m rather impressive, aren’t I?” His bark of laughter put a toothy grin on her face. “You’re no slouch in that department yourself, Bell.”
“Really?! Because I distinctly remember having to use all of my tricks to get a shot with you.”
“It wasn’t as many as you might think – you won me over relatively quickly.”
“So why did it take us so long to get here?!”
“Because neither of us was quite ready for what we have now. We both needed to work on ourselves and heal from our pasts. And if I’m being completely honest, once we got to the stage where it was just a matter of getting our timing right, it was just fun to see what you’d try next.”
“We have very different definitions of the word ‘fun.’”
“Yet it had absolutely no effect on the outcome: the two of us spending the rest of our lives together.”
Though he’d only been pretending to be miffed with her, there was no way he could keep up the facade if she kept saying things like that. Momentarily dumbstruck, he watched as she easily slid out of the seat to a standing position and reached out a hand to him.
“Let’s go home, darling.”
Taking her hand without hesitation, he balanced their cups in his free hand and led them to the door. He paused there for a moment to take one last glance around and smiled to himself as he saw his past come back to the fore, but without the heart-wrenching grief this time. With one final nod to the staff behind the counter, he took his first steps out in relief and joy and love on a day that had only ever meant pain and grief and isolation for far too long.
Leading them back to their car, he stopped short a few feet away and wrapped his arms around her frame, catching her slightly off-guard with the intensity of his kiss if the little noise of surprise before their lips met was anything to go by. He pulled back to meet her bemused face and simply said, “I love you Kit...to the moon and back.”
His voice wavered ever so slightly on the use of her adage but she beamed up at him in return, bringing her hands up from around his back to hold onto his face.
“And I you, love.” She leaned up to press their lips together for a moment before sinking back into his hold with a thoughtful look. “Is there anything else that you want or need to do today?”
“No. All I’d like to do now is go home and spend the evening with you, and maybe order some takeout so we don’t have to cook.”
“I like the sound of that. I can get our order started while you drive us home if you’d like.”
“Sure, I’m fine with whatever you feel like eating.”
Pulling away, he unlocked and opened her door for her, unsurprised to see her with her phone already out and in the midst of pulling up the delivery app to search for options. Closing the door behind her, he started to jog around the back of the car when his eyes caught on a solitary star up in the night sky, brighter than the rest and seeming to twinkle and shimmer against the darkening vista. He froze on the spot and was immediately reminded of something his father told him as a young boy on a father/son camping trip. He’d pointed out just such a star in that night’s sky and his father had told him that sometimes the people you’ve loved who’ve passed on will come back as stars, shining brightly in the sky to let you know that they’re still around and watching over you. At the time it had made him think of his recently departed grandfather and brought him a measure of comfort, and comfort was something he needed today. Casting his eyes heavenwards, he focused on the star and pushed past the lump in his throat to have the one conversation he finally felt like he was ready to have.
“Thirty years – I can’t believe it’s been thirty years since you’ve been here, Pop. And I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to step back into the store; it’s not what you made it into anymore, but it’s stayed a small local business of some type and I think you’d love that. Even with everything that’s gone on in the past couple of years, I just want you to know that I’m OK, and I’m not on my own anymore. It took me a really long time to find ‘The One,’ but you were right: love is a privilege. Kit is my entire world and I’m going to love her with everything I’ve got for the rest of my life. I hope you’re proud of me because I’m damn proud to be your son. Say hi to Mom for me and let her know that I’m thinking about her too. I miss you, Dad, and I love you.”
For a moment the star glowed even brighter and Randolph’s breath caught as the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and he fought against the burning sting of unshed tears in his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he felt the last of his burdens fall away and he stepped with confidence towards his present and future with a smile and an open heart.