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- prvič čutim to, ni nadzora -
The thought of Martin leaving the band hadn’t even settled in Jan’s brain when they were already holding the auditions. If he’s being honest, he didn’t have any reason to be so defensive about the subject: Martin was Bojan’s best friend, he should be the one to sit in a corner, judging everyone who walks in the studio, like a grumpy cat. But no, he politely smiles at everyone and says: “We have other candidates to check, so, thank you, we’ll call you back!” With the first couple of people, Jan had every right to immediately say “no” after they left - they sucked. The first guy couldn’t keep the rhythm (a bassist that can’t keep a rhythm! nonsense!), and the two after kept trying to impress the band with unnecessary tricks, that were taking away from the rest of the song.
“Everyone is shitty!” Jan complained after another person walked out. “Let’s admit it: we can’t find anyone better than Martin.”
“But we have to, Janči,” Jure said, ruffling his friend’s hair.
“Do we? Can we, like, I don’t know, beg him? “Please don’t leave the band, you’re too pretty for education anyway”?” Peteh said in a funny voice, hiding his face in his hands. By this point, he was getting not just emotionally, but also physically exhausted.
“You know we can’t,” Kris replies, putting on his mom-mode. “We have three more people. The next is Martin’s suggestion. From what I’ve seen, he is very promising.”
“Nace Jordan, right? It rings a bell,” Bojan says, anxiously pacing the room. Most likely, it’s the result of their co-dependency, maybe his hidden psychic abilities, but Jan’s friends are too predictable for him. Every Joker Out Crisis™ has the same pattern: Bojan freaks out and gets anxious, but pretends that it’s just his usual zoomies and he’s excited, not terrified, as he walks around the room in circles; Kris double-checks everything and makes unnecessary lists, trying to convince everyone including himself that he’s just responsible and not a control freak; Jure keeps his bandmates comforted, giving random hugs and pats on the head; Jan, exactly like now, tries to sit through the madness somewhere in the background, mentally cursing everyone.
Nace Jordan doesn’t ring a bell for Jan, and he doesn’t want it to change. He never really wants things to change. He already had to go through Matic leaving, and, shit, it’s not like Jure isn’t a perfect addition to the band, but it’s just so exhausting to always have to adapt again and again to all the new circumstances that the universe throws at them. Jan loves the so-called rockstar lifestyle, but he also loves stability. There’s a difference between exciting new developments and constantly trying to save themselves from drowning after another unexpected wave crushes them.
2 minutes earlier than expected, the band hears a knock on the door. Those 2 minutes were crucial for the guitarist to prepare himself for a new tiresome audition, so, that’s the first misstep on Nace’s part. Still, Kris replies for everyone:
“You can walk in!”
Jan blames his ignorance on never checking out who Nace Jordan is. The man in front of him looks like he is from Jan’s wettest dreams: the tattoo sleeve on big muscular arms, the earrings, the fluffy hair, the big kind brown eyes, the soft smile with dimples. Jan’s eyes jump from one feature to another, hungrily, both trying not to stare but also to take in as much as they can. The guitarist feels his heart traitorously melt at the look, and, fuck, this raises another unexpected flaw in the potential bassist: Jan doesn’t need this kind of sight in a band.
Jan nervously and quietly blinks in his corner, as everyone else tries to welcome Nace. Kris brings some gluten-free snacks, while Bojan and Jure torture the potential new bassist with random questions about his life, by which they all learn that he has two turtles and a dog, loves fishing, has already met Bojan at the late-night show he used to work for, and is currently single. The last part of the information most definitely is unnecessary, but it, sadly, makes Jan’s heart jump up to his throat (and makes Kris frown angrily at Bojan’s tactlessness and no other reason). After a bit of chatting, the guys get to the instruments, practicing the one song that Nace says he prefers to play - Gola.
There is something about the way this guy plays, along with how he looks doing it, and the song, that turns Jan’s thoughts into an absolute mess. He prays he won’t fuck up the riff the entire time and keeps his eyes glued to the strings because he can swear that even a split second of looking at Nace will make him forget how to play guitar. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt so fucking nervous. Even all the previous concerts, the biggest ones, the most life-changing ones, fade to nothing in comparison to how his heart races and his mouth gets dry right now. It’s dumb, really, to act like an anxious little girl with a crush on a hot popular classmate, but Jan hasn’t felt such a rush of emotions in a long, long time. So, here’s a misstep number two: if you are already a big change for someone, don’t become a bigger one.
Honestly, Jan could get used to a new bassist. Deep down, he knows he has no choice. But this, the resurfacing of all the sentiments and reactions he’s been keeping buried somewhere, like a treasure chest… Jan doesn’t need it, doesn’t want it. It’s too much. Being in love, choking on his own feelings - yeah, no, thank you. For someone who loves stability and comfort as much as Peteh, you would think he is more into long-term relationships, but, as much as he himself hates it, he would take endless hookups over one long overwhelming love. Maybe it’s a weird thing to say, maybe it’s childish, but especially because of his lifestyle, he doesn’t need more responsibility and overthinking than he already has. Having a crush would definitely bring all those back to him.
So, when the song ends, Jan thanks god everything’s almost over. A couple of minutes of awkward polite chatting, and he never has to see this gorgeous man ever again. Except…
“Dude, this is actually fire!” Bojan starts jumping up and down, to which Kris rolls his eyes with his usual enamored grin.
“Thank you, hope I left a good impression” Jordan replies with the endearing awkward smile that seemingly could melt the coldest ice. Still, Jan does everything in his power not to give up so easily.
“We have to meet a couple more people, so, we can’t say anything right now,” Kris quickly turns into the conversation. “But… I think we are all impressed.”
In all fairness, Jan can’t say he’s not impressed. They did sound almost perfect together, and Nace clearly is a very experienced musician. Still, the enormous selfish part of him makes him just keep looking at the bassist with lost and confused eyes. He doesn’t want to be mean, but the tiny awful voice inside his head tortures him into keeping an unemotional face. Maybe Jan’s a selfish bitch, he’ll take it, fuck it.
When Nace leaves the room to get his things, Bojan keeps jumping, definitely out of excitement by now, as he wheezes:
“Fucking hell, this was amazing! This guy is perfect”
“Perfect is a strong word, but, honestly, I think a fitting one.” Kris smiles awkwardly, trying his best not to let his own enthusiasm get through. “Everyone in favor of Nace Jordan, raise your hands.”
The boys throw their hands in the air smiling from ear to ear until they notice the man back in his grumpy corner.
“I don’t want him in a band,” Jan says quietly. He doesn’t expect how much effort it takes him to say it. An hour ago he was eager to let everyone know that he would only be happy with Martin, but now, there’s a rational part of him that understands that they won’t find anyone better, and there’s an affectionate part of him that is terrified of the way this man made him feel just in 30 minutes.
“Why?” Jure says in a soft voice, like a disappointed kid who wasn’t allowed another candy.
“I just… don’t. I don’t have to explain myself,” The last sentence comes off way too angry, yet Jan feels like maybe it’s for the best. He really doesn’t want to admit why he thinks this literally perfect guy shouldn’t be a part of their band.
“Jan, this is ridiculous. He is fucking perfect, we are going with him,” Bojan protests, crossing his arms.
“So, what, now I don’t even have a voice in my own band?” Jan scoffs.
“Of course, you do,” Kris keeps trying to play the manager and be the voice of reason. How typical. “But you are being stupid, I’m sorry. You can’t name a single reason why we should not get him. Do you think we sounded bad?”
“Fuck,” Jan loudly exhales. If he denies the obvious now, he’ll just look ridiculous and even more suspicious. “No, I think we sounded good, but…”
“But what? Name one thing you didn’t like about the music or the guy.”
Jan knows he can’t. He has to admit the defeat. The only reason he doesn’t want Nace Jordan to be a part of Joker Out is because it will be a torture to play next to him every fucking show. So, Jan just stays silent, biting the inside of his cheek and looking down at the floor.
“That’s what I thought. We are going with him, decided.”
Well, Jan’s fucked.
“You know, you could at least pretend you weren’t eye-fucking him,” Kris says later, when they are left alone, collecting the cables. Jan just ignores him, to which his friend decides to keep pushing: “I know your taste too well.”
“Shut the fuck up or I’ll tell Bojan about that time we got drunk when we were 17,” Jan says with clenched teeth.
“Jan, it’s unfair,” Kris whines, half-honestly, half-playfully. Even if Jan constantly threatens to, he would never tell Guštin’s secret. Admittedly, they both were wasted, but still somehow remember that day: they were alone at Kris’ house, found a bottle of rum hidden on a shelf in the kitchen, mixed it with way too little cola, and drunkenly made out before Kris pulled away and said “I think I’m in love with Bojan” and broke down in tears.
“What’s unfair is that now I have to be in a band with a very hot straight guy,” Jan confesses.
“You don’t know he’s straight for sure,” Kris smiles, slightly punching Jan in his arm.
“Well, I wasn’t planning on ever finding out who he was at all, so…” Peteh doesn’t want to get so defensive about it, especially not with Kris, with who they have always been each other’s exception for the feelings talks, but right now his irritation is way too overwhelming not to act like a douchebag.
“Why are you like this?” Kris sighs, disappointed.
“Listen, I get it, you’ve been pining over someone your whole fucking life, so you don’t know how to have it any other way, but I do, and I don’t want to be reminded of it,” Jan blurts out, immediately regretting it. His friend looks back at him, hurt. “Kris, I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be. You’re right. I’m pathetic,” Kris’ voice breaks, tears gather in the corners of his eyes.
“I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant,” Jan keeps trying to apologize and explain himself, but it’s too late. He hit the soft spot.
“Well, it was between the lines. Either way, you have no fucking choice now. Welcome back to the club!” Kris slams the door behind himself, and Jan is left in the studio all alone.
- nov svet, pregret -
The first practice with Nace later that week goes wrong right from the start. The energy feels off, Jan’s guitar keeps going out of tune, Bojan’s voice keeps cracking, and Kris can’t even look at his best friend. Jure, the peace protector, stops everyone in the middle of another attempt by shouting:
“Fuck it, let’s take 10 minutes off, recharge or something because this is bullshit.”
Kris almost drops down his guitar, rushing out of the room. Concerned Bojan quickly follows him. Jure just quietly says, passing by Jan on his way to the kitchen:
“I don’t know what you’ve done, but fucking fix it.”
Well, easier said than done. Kris and Jan argue rarely, but when they do, it’s big. Especially, if it has something to do with Guštin’s feelings for their lead singer. The last time they fought was around 2 years before when Kris found out that Bojan and Jan kissed when they were drunk. He ignored both for a week, which was easy because it was in the middle of the pandemic.
The anxiety and guilt freeze the words on Jan’s tongue. He knows that it doesn’t matter what he’ll say, Kris will still be mad at him. He wants to apologize, truly, but his friend can be a bit too fragile and protective over his affections. So, at least for a couple of minutes, Peteh decides to sit in his comfort corner and look at pictures of Igor.
“What are you doing?” suddenly says a voice from above, and Jan knows without looking that it’s Nace. So, trying to go on with his unusual meditation, he keeps his eyes on his phone, answering:
“Just looking at the pictures of my cat to calm down.”
“Igor, right? Sorry, I stalked your Instagram a bit,” Nace smiles apologetically, and, for his own safety, Jan pretends to be an asshole and stays staring at the pictures. After a moment of silence, Nace goes on:
“I don’t want to bother you, but did something happen between you and Kris? I got the impression that you guys are close, but you are very distant today. Is everything okay?”
Jan really, really wants to ignore the attempt at the conversation, but the warmth and care in the bassist’s voice finally melt his heart. Even if he wants to keep his distance, right now the unexplainable attention can’t help but get to him. Putting his device in his pocket, and his guard down, he starts the explanation:
“Well, I’ve said something I shouldn’t have, and now I don’t know how to take it back. I know I can’t and even though it’s not really what I meant, he is still hurt, so… I just…” It’s hard for Jan to explain their fight without mentioning what it’s about, but Nace seems to still understand. “I just got a bit defensive, I guess. I don’t like talking about… feelings, you know? And Kris loves getting under my skin about it. Usually, it’s alright, but on Monday it was a bit too much. For both of us, I think.”
“It’s complicated, I get it. And it’s okay if you want to protect your feelings, but if by that you hurt others… Well, is it really worth it?” Jordan says, shyly putting his hand on Jan’s back. He almost shivers at the touch but gathers himself before finally looking up into the ember eyes. Fuck, not only this man is gorgeous, but he’s also emotionally mature. What a deal!
“Thank you, I, uhm… appreciate it,” Jan says awkwardly, trying not to smile too much at his new bandmate. What Nace just said starts swirling and buzzing in Jan’s hand, and he wonders for a second if that’s it. If that’s the point of no return and he’ll be screwed as long as they are in a band together.
“You’re always welcome! Now, go apologize so we could make some good fucking rock music!” Nace laughs, patting Peteh on his back. He hates how much confidence and comfort Jordan gifts him with the simplest gestures. Sure, they mean nothing to the bassist, he probably just wants to make sure everyone in the band likes him, but to Jan even this is too much. People are not usually this nice, unless they need something from him, and his heart would get broken if that turns out to be true. But that’s the problem for future Jan. The problem for the now-Jan is Kris and it needs to be solved as soon as possible.
As he walks out of the studio, Jan sees Kris in the hallway. Both, at the same time, blurt out:
“I’m sorry I got so defensive.”
“I’m sorry I got so pushy.”
With a soft smile, they hug it out and get back into the studio. They discuss their emotional issue later, quietly drinking beer at Jan’s place and playing with Igor. If Kris ends up crying because of Bojan again, no one has to know. If Jan admits in a whisper he’s scared he’ll catch feelings for Nace, no one has to know. If they end up falling asleep on a couch, tied up together by their limbs, no one has to know.
(Jan can feel himself change and open up from that moment. He would be lying if he said that all the emotional growth he’d done was all by himself. God knows how he’d be without Nace by his side, patiently guiding him through constant turmoils and anxieties. So, when the most beautiful, kind, talented, and understanding man Jan has ever seen confesses his feelings for him, the guitarist finally lets his true and raw emotions out. Nothing has ever felt so right.)