Work Text:
She sighed, placing the book on the side table. She couldn’t focus on the words, the context, the story. She had finished finals and work had slowed down since the end of the semester, yet her anxiety and the crash from the consistent anxiety throughout the semester hadn’t died down at all. She had pent up energy that couldn’t escape causing her body to be tense all the time, she couldn’t sleep, eating was such a task that she forgot to feed herself most days, and now with no major stress inducing responsibilities on her plate, she felt empty. She anxiously cleaned her apartment the day after finals. Her depression room was full of dirty and clean clothes that she couldn’t distinguish, the floor felt gross under her feet from not being swept and mopped, her bathroom was a mess, all her things scattered about and not in their places. She cleaned out the fridge and restocked, meal prepped for the week. She even reorganized her cabinets that were cluttered and her book shelf that was in desperate need of dusting in the living room. The following days were filled with cleaning when she wasn’t working and finding tasks she had set on the back burner to complete which led her to this moment.
Candles lit throughout the apartment filling the air with a sweet, caramel apple scent, the soft lighting on as soft music played in the background with the comfiest of fall clothes on, but her brain was still racing. She had a fear that she was missing an assignment, a due date approaching, or some sort of exam that would be brought up out of nowhere. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples with her fingers, taking in deep breaths and working through the heavy beating of her heart and her labored breathing. “What’s wrong?” He asked, a light at the end of the tunnel. Han had planned a surprise visit for after her finals and when they had a moment to rest from promotions and events. She was reorganizing her tv stand when the knock at the door took her by surprise. She didn’t recall having any plans for the day and definitely didn’t remember ordering food, but she blamed her stress on her forgetfulness and opened the door. When she saw his familiar brown hair, a bright smile, and his luggage, she pinched herself thinking it was a dream. When he engulfed her into a hug, she felt the sob break from her chest before she could think and melted. He was surprised at first, holding her tighter before tearing up himself. She slept like a baby that night with her favorite person wrapped tightly in her arms.
He took the spot next to her on the couch, a hand lacing its way around her thigh. She dropped her hands and turned to him. “My brain won’t shut up.” she sighed, resting a hand on top of his. He wore the matching pajama set he begged her to get. The pants were fuzzy with dinosaurs in various Christmas outfits scattered about, while the shirt had two dinosaurs decorating a Christmas tree together. Han was always so cozy, just looking at him sends a wave of warmth, love, and relaxation through her. His eyes held concern for her, a small smile on his face. “Wanna talk about it?” She shook her head. “There is nothing really to talk about, just stress but the lack of it causing more and it’s…never ending.” She groaned, blinking away the tears. She hated crying, she couldn’t explain why, but it was exhausting and when she cried she needed days of recovery after. He squeezed her thigh, swiping his thumb in soothing circles. “What can I do to help?” He asked, his other hand wiping away the tears that had fallen.
“Get up for a minute, please.” She said, removing herself from the couch. He followed and did as instructed. She laid on the couch, making sure her neck and head were comfortable before patting her chest and making grabby hands in his direction. “You need a cuddle?” He asked, slightly confused. Physical touch wasn’t her favorite, no matter how touch starved she was, but she needed it now. “Yes, specifically for the pressure and making the weight I already feel more solid, real, if that makes sense.” She explained. He nodded his head in understanding before gently laying on top of her. His head rested in the crook of her neck, his arms lacing under her back as comfortably as they could. He hummed when he was comfortable tickling her neck slightly from his breath.
She giggled slightly before lacing her fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp as she went, and rubbing a hand over his shoulders and down his back. He hummed at the feeling, his breathing becoming shallow. “That’s nice.” He mumbled and she kissed the top of his head. “Good.” She smiled. “How does this help again?” He asked, his arms squeezing her middle. “I don’t really know how to explain it, but my stress makes me tense and it feels like a crushing weight that I can’t physically see or feel is pressing on me, it’s part of the reason that I can’t sleep. My back and shoulders carry most of it. The weight of you on my chest and the realness is grounding. It helps my brain understand that the stress I was feeling isn’t real, but all in my head.” He hummed in response, pressing a gentle kiss to her neck. “Next time just say you need a cuddle.” He joked, biting her shoulder. She squealed at the feeling, pinching his side in turn which made him squeal and jump. “I’ll just get me a weighted toy to have instead.” She joked back.
He whined, snuggling closer and squeezing her middle tighter. “No ma’am, you’ve got a life size one right here.” She couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her lips. “I’m content with that.” She pressed another kiss to his head. His warmth engulfing her, his leveled breathing, his soft breath against her neck, she felt the stress and anxiety slowly melt away. She couldn’t explain how much she loved Han and how grateful she was for him. She hated that they both carried and experienced such anxiety, stress, fear, but she couldn’t help but love the fact that it helped their understanding of one another. It took time, but when they’re together she could tell the signs of his anxiety and panic attacks. Han has telltale signs of when his anxiety gets bad. His head falls and he has a blank stare in his eyes. His shoulders and back tense and his breathing becomes labored. She calls them his blackouts because generally it stuns him enough that he is paralyzed and typically doesn’t recall them the way she and the boys do. He shakes and can’t use words or formulate sentences to speak. She hates his anxiety and panic attacks, knowing that they could be prevented most of the time, it sends her into a fit of rage and fury.
Her anxiety and panic attacks present differently than his. Her stress causes her to shut down and pull away, a habit that she developed when she realized she couldn’t focus on what was overwhelming her unless she blocked everything out and focused solely on the stressor. Her anxiety and panic attacks were more set into action. She never stilled, she would find work and tasks to do, her leg would tap and she’d twist her rings around on her fingers. She would be working on something, whether it was something she wanted to do or not. She would be helping a friend with the most random tasks, or helping Chan in the studio, or simply entertaining Seungmin and Jeongin when they wanted to go out. She wouldn’t sit still. She wouldn’t sleep, she wouldn’t eat, she would struggle to stick to drinking water and eating healthy, or better foods. Hers presented in forms of depression and a need to expel the energy. Recently, it led her into shutting down.
Han had brought it up to her one night while they were talking. She had gone slightly MIA and a little quieter on her end, her brain was telling her lies and her insecurities were getting the best of her and she didn’t want to voice them because she didn’t know how, so she distracted herself with work. That also meant she was being forgetful, unintentionally. She would forget to respond or be short when she did, forget that they scheduled to call before bed and pass out when she got into bed. “You’re shutting down and have been distant,” he was open and blunt about it. She felt her smile fall at the comment and she looked to her lap. She knew she was, she didn’t mean too. “I figured you were stressed so I left it alone, but I don’t think I can leave it alone anymore. I’m getting annoyed and frustrated with it at this point.” He explained and the tears in his eyes made her crack. “I’m sorry.” she cried. She explained it all, everything she could and apologized every time she could as well. By the end of it they were both in tears, but Han only told her that he loved her and didn’t know why she would think such things. She vowed to be more open with him at that point, and she had been getting better.
Every day there is progress and time to progress to being that better version. She loved Han because his smile was so bright it reminded her that this life was worth living, his laugh was such a pretty tune that she wished she could hear it always, his eyes were also bright with love and gentleness, he carried such a weight on his shoulders but did with confidence and looking good while doing it. He also showed her that on the rougher and tougher days, love was possible and so healing. She watched him heal from her gentleness, her softness she didn’t think she had. She watched as he would melt and cave into her touch with such trust that she felt incompetent of his love. She watched as he took care of his family, making sure they were all safe and comfortable. She watched as he developed into a strong performer, but an overall amazing partner. He loved his family and the fans with such a passion that it showed in his work, even if there were days he felt undeserving of it. She watched as his smile and eyes would light up a room with the excitement of his favorite anime, his favorite song, the talk of a family, what he desired in life, when people showed how much they love him.
She didn’t realize when she had begun crying, wiping the warm tears on her cheeks away. Han was asleep on her chest, his soft snores and steady breathing all she needed to know. She continued to run her hands through his hair, rubbing a hand down his back. She needed nothing more than this, and him. His warmth, his love, devotion, and trust in her. He would always do what he could for her as she did for him. She wanted nothing more than for him to know true love and dedication. He deserved the world and more, but would never believe it. “You think too much,” his voice broke her train of thought. She stilled her hands, looking down at him as he looked up to her. “Your heart is racing and I can feel you crying.” He brought a hand to her cheeks, wiping the tears away with his thumb. “I just love you so much.” She chuckled through the tears.
“I know, honey,” he smiled, a gentle kiss pressed to her lips. “I love you, too.”
She was lulled to sleep after that. Han shifted so they were laying on their sides, her head buried into his chest. His hand rubbing up and down her back, sometimes twirling a strand of hair on his finger. He told how much she meant to him, how wonderful she was, and how worth it she was. He would place a kiss to her head, her cheek, gently swipe the back of his hand over her cheeks. She melted. He loved her and she would never want to believe otherwise.