Work Text:
Josh wasn’t even completely sure what he was doing, staring up at the house in front of him, a crumpled up piece of paper in his shaking hands.
Meet people, Josh. Get out of your comfort zone. Try new things. The only way to overcome anxiety is to prove it wrong. Make friends. Ok, ok fine. (except he didn’t need more friends. He had Debby from work. And Pete, also from work. And that was fine. They were enough. For sure. Definitely) But, he’d given in to his therapist’s demands, and here he was.
Standing in front of a house, answering an ad on craigslist. An ad on craigslist, really. Really. He’s going to get murdered, he swears it. Chopped up into tiny pieces and fed to a dog, probably. A big dog. A Bullmastiff with drool covered jowls and bloody teeth. Bits of his shirt stuck between the dog’s fangs.
At least then he won’t have to pay for therapy anymore.
The door opens up before he even has the chance to raise his hand to the bell. (which honestly almost scares the shit out of him, until he sees that the individual is holding a bag and looks like they were getting ready to leave.)
She was shorter than him, blonde and beautiful with a nice smile.
“Tyler?” Josh blurts out.
The girl laughed and shook her head. Her eyes twinkled and her laugh sounded like bells. “No. Haha, no. I’m his wife though, Jenna.” She adjusted the bag on her shoulder and extended a hand toward Josh.
“I’m going to work. You’re Josh, right? Tyler’s in the basement. Don’t cause too much trouble.”
She ushered him in the house, sidestepped out of his way, and left the house with the slam of the door.
And just like that Josh was in a stranger’s house. Ready to be murdered. In a basement. Alone.
At least there seemed to be no sign of any giant dogs around.
He let out a small panicked laugh, before swallowing down the rest of his fear.
He really did need to try to let go of all of this anxiety. One day. When he wasn’t about to be murdered.
Looking around the house, it looked fairly normal. Normal kitchen, normal living room, normal staircase. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. Dead bodies and swords maybe. The sound of a chainsaw whirring from somewhere probably.
Josh slowly trudged down the stairs, which lead into a partly finished basement. A red carpet lined the floor, and a few lights flickered overhead. A small array of musical instruments littered an area – a drum set, a ukulele, a keyboard. There was a desk in the corner, and a television. And a small thin man sitting on a chair, his back to the door.
Josh opened his mouth and for a second his voice caught in his throat, and all he could think about was leaving and going home and running away right now this second immediately –
And then the man turned around. He was thin, and small (not really small in stature. He was basically taller than josh…just slightly. But there was something about him. A small personality. He looked so small), and soft with short fluffy hair and rounded edges and a bit of a blur around him, like Josh couldn’t look at him straight on. He looked soft and warm and his smile was small toothy and fuck.
“Josh?” his voice was lighter than Josh had imagined, making the man seem even smaller than he was.
Josh mussed up his hair and coughed slightly before shrugging, “Yeah. Tyler right? Your, uh, your wife told me to just come down. If that’s cool?”
Tyler laughed and even his laugh was soft and small and sleepy. “Obviously, yeah. I wouldn’t have put the ad up, you know? If I wasn’t cool with it.”
Josh let out a small, anxious chuckle. “Yeah. Ha. Right. Uh. Why…why drums? If you’ve got…” Josh gestured around, just a guy and some drums, what was he going to add to this?
“I want to sound different. I want…to sound good. Now,”
He took several steps towards Josh and reached for Josh’s hand, grabbing him by the fingers and leading him towards the drum set. (tylers hand was warm and soft and josh could feel his poor bisexual heart imploding in on itself.)
“Show me what you’ve got.”
xxxxx
It wasn’t as awkward as Josh had thought it was going to be. Not nearly as anxiety inducing, once Josh was sure he wasn’t going to be murdered. (after Josh had casually asked if Tyler had a dog. A big one. A big mean angry dog waiting outside to eat him. Tyler shrugged and mentioned a cat if Josh wanted to pet him. He did.)
Tyler had liked him. Tyler had called him talented and amazing and Josh wanted to dig a hole and bury himself in it he was so happy and embarrassed.
Tyler was the really talented one though. Josh watched him hop around the room, rapping to himself one second and laying on the ground playing the ukulele the next. Josh even got a peek at some of Tyler’s lyrics. No way was Josh that talented. No way could he keep up with this guy. No way.
xxxx
They slowly worked up a schedule, not in any official terms, but merely out of convenience.
Tyler worked from home most days – writing for the local paper, the sports and arts sections. Josh didn’t have the best schedule yet. He’d mostly been putting in odd hours at the book store, part time until something more permanent opened up. And Jenna, she worked afternoons.
So Monday thru Friday, pending Josh’s schedule for the week, Josh would find himself in Tyler’s basement from 2 to 6pm.
At first it had been all about the music. Trying to sync themselves together, match movements and know how to improvise. Tyler would ask Josh for a beat, and he would try to write lyrics to it. Listening to each other’s favorite songs and records, trying to find inspiration. (tyler had mentioned that he didn’t think he wanted to try to get famous or anything, he just wants to make some fucking good music. Josh gets it.)
It didn’t take long for it to become more than that. Tyler, to Josh’s surprise, had understood the anxiety. Understood what it was like to be too overwhelmed to leave the house or eat in public or speak to people. Tyler had understood when it was too much for Josh to come over after work to practice.
At first, Josh would spend those afternoons wrapped in blankets and reading. Or watching porn. Either, both sometimes. He’d send Tyler a text and spend the 20 hours until his next shift jerking off. Or crying. Or both.
But eventually, Tyler would come around on those days. He’d swing by Josh’s apartment with notebook in hand and a small smile and just sit beside him, writing while Josh read.
It was…comforting. To have someone around who didn’t expect much from him. Who just sat there in silence with him.
Sometimes Tyler would spend the time popping Advil after Advil, quietly bemoaning a headache that wouldn’t let up. He got headaches more often than Josh could keep track of, enough so that Josh had started buying extra Advil just for him. Just in case.
Sometimes Josh would put on a movie, and they’d watch it together. Josh’s couch unbearably small, and the two were forced to almost sit lap in lap. But Tyler didn’t mind. It took almost no time at all for Tyler to become so comfortable with Josh, to lean against him and play with his hair and snuggle him.
Josh can’t lie, really. At first it was awkward for him. This guy, this obnoxiously hot talented guy, wanted to hold him and touch him and be with him and he was married and straight for christ’s sake.
(well probably straight. Married anyway. Never given any indication of being otherwise but if josh goes by that, then hes straight too. But he doesn’t think about tylers sexuality and he doesn’t think about tyler because tyler is married and josh stop it)
Soon Josh became accustomed to the feeling of Tyler being constantly next to him, the warmth of his small body radiating into him. Accustomed to having this stupid obnoxious crush on this straight boy he was starting a band with. Fucking hooray for Josh.
(tyler had wanted them to have a secret handshake. He was like a little kid with his first best friend and it made Josh want to melt away and fucking die. It took them a week to master the handshake)
After a few months of practicing and writing and performing and recording and - GOD was Josh exhausted. There were breaks and movies and dinners and games in between, and Josh felt like he’d honest to god dropped off the face of the earth. Almost every day of his life was spent with Tyler. Tyler had somehow become his best friend. Tyler somehow had wormed his way into Josh’s life and Josh couldn’t even imagine how life was before they met.
(he had much more anxiety, that was for sure)
Tyler would treat Josh to dinners at his house, invite him to the park where they would run around the playground like 5 year olds. Tyler would hang upside down from the monkey bars and throw pebbles at Josh, swinging from the swing set. Tyler would drag Josh to the movies and spend the whole time whispering jokes into his ears. Spend the majority of the move making wisecracks back at the characters. They only got kicked out once, when Josh couldn’t stop laughing.
Josh felt like he knew everything about Tyler, and likewise. Favorite things, least favorite things, little unconscious twitches and the way Tyler’s toothy grin looks after a good joke. But sometimes, something would be off. It was like Tyler wasn’t himself.
It wasn’t that noticeable of a change. But it was different. Some days Tyler’s grin was wider, his eyes cloudier, his voice deeper (could josh be imagining that part??) Some days he stood with more confidence, and wrung his hands with more desperation. Some days he couldn’t stand to be around Jenna, and would spend the night on Tyler’s couch, sullen and restless. Some days the headaches were worse, and Tyler would spend hours with his hand pressed against his forehead, as if he were trying to stop his brain from imploding. Some days he was less comfortable with clinging to Josh and showing affection; Josh could see his hesitation and uncertainty. Some days he forgot to answer to his own name.
Josh still liked this Tyler, still had a good time with him, but he couldn’t grasp what would bring about the sudden change in mood. It was like Tyler had been replaced. By an alien or a demon or a demon alien. But it never lasted very long. A few days a month, once for 3 days in a row. (the longest had been a week, with tyler refusing to head home, his butt permanently glued to josh’s couch)
It wasn’t scary or upsetting or anything. Just, different. But Josh had gotten used to it, like he’d gotten used to every aspect of Tyler.
xxxxxxxx
On Tyler’s birthday, Josh had gotten a text inviting him over. It’s gonna be a small family party, the text had said, so don’t worry about getting dressed up. He wanted Josh to be there too.
In fact, Josh was not worrying about getting dressed up until he’d read that. A family party. Tyler was inviting him over to meet his family and be a part of his family and attend a family party celebrating his birth. With his family.
Josh’s cheeks burned at the thought of Tyler considering him family. It had been a while since he’d been so close to someone…and…well…
Thinking best not to dwell on it, Josh had gone straight to his closet to try to find the most impressive yet not too formal outfit he owned so Tyler’s parents didn’t think he was in a band with a hobo.
Sifting through his shirts, his fingers lingered on a polo shirt. Would it be better to think Tyler was in a band with a hobo or with a 16-year-old prep-school boy?
Probably the hobo honestly.
He frowned and considered the rest of his wardrobe before settling back on the polo. Time to look like the ultimate douche.
And really, after pulling it over his head and mussing about with his hair slightly he didn’t look THAT douchey. Just slightly. The bright red fluff of his hair clashing something awful with the purple shirt, but he was committed to this. And lazy. And anxious, and this was as good as it was going to get.
It took him a while to get out of his apartment. He knew the bus was coming at a certain time and he knew he should try to make it but he also knew that his heart felt like it was on fire and he could puke flames if he tried. He was dizzy and sweaty and his breath got too hard, his lungs felt sore. But he could do this. For Tyler. For himself. He could do it.
Probably.
Josh slipped his keys and wallet into his pocket before heading out to the bus stop. He hated walking anywhere in December – already too cold for him to want to move, and his lack of a car did inconvenience things. But he liked the bus, and one stopped not too far from the Joseph house.
The bus arrived on time, which was a surprise, and it smelled like pee, which was not. Josh had spent most of the ride hoping Tyler’s family didn’t think he’d pissed himself on the way over. Or worse, someone had pissed on him.
Standing outside of the house, looking up at it with shaking hands was a familiar feeling for Josh. He hadn’t done this in what felt like years, but here he was, just like before, almost too nervous to knock on the door.
And, like the fucking magician that she is, Jenna had once again opened the door before Josh could ring the bell, and ushered him in with a smile and a can of beer.
“How do you always do that?” Josh asked, flustered.
Jenna winked, “It’s a gift. Truly. I have Dun-senses and they were tingling.”
Josh flushed, and headed into the kitchen with Jenna behind him.
There weren’t that many people, which was good for his anxiety, but each person that was here was a relative of Tyler’s (which was fucking terrible for his anxiety).
They looked…normal, Josh thought. Just a normal family. Two brothers, a sister, a mom and a dad. All sitting around the table, talking and laughing and having a good normal time. Weird.
Tyler wasn’t around just yet, most likely in the bathroom or getting dressed and oh god did Josh feel like he looked like a douche in comparison to Tyler’s family.
A huge giant douche and please please please don’t talk to me
(Jenna forced him to go over and introduce himself and Tyler’s family seemed decent enough. His dad called him son. His brothers confirmed that he looked like a douche. Nice).
After what seemed like hours (was it an hour? How long had he been standing here nursing his beer) Tyler emerged from the bathroom.
Except it wasn’t the Tyler Josh had been expecting. It was the sullen, cloudy, blurred edges Tyler. The Tyler that clutched at his head and complained of migraines. The Tyler that seemed upset to even be here.
He had looked around the room, his face contorted for a moment, twisted up, looked like he was trying to hold in tears. His eyes locked with Josh and he offered the smallest shrugs before wringing his hands and walking toward his family.
Tyler grabbed a beer and took his place at the head of the table, and Josh started inching his way closer. He’d been standing as close to the exist as possible, just in case Tyler decided he wouldn’t show up to his own family celebration. (but he showed up and now Josh needed to be near him immediately).
“Tyler…” His mother said, her voice small and uncertain. The chattering between the family members stopped, and Josh could see Jenna pale.
“Mmmmm…” Tyler made a noncommittal noise, his voice deep, “I…” He looked between Josh and his family, “I can be.” He insisted.
Josh had absolutely no idea what was going on. The house was silent, uncomfortable. The tension was thick and Josh felt his head whirl.
“This is your birthday Tyler. I thought … I thought you’d try to keep this to yourself. I thought you’d outgrown this…” Tyler’s mother said through gritted teeth. Her face was red, but Josh didn’t know if it was anger or the alcohol.
Tyler smirked and shook his head. “I’m not something to outgrow. I’m not something to keep hidden. I’m not something to fucking….to fucking hide away.” His voice was calm but his hands wouldn’t stop wringing.
“Tyler if you don’t stop this we’re leaving. You know how your mother feels about this,” His dad said, his voice gruff.
Tyler’s siblings looked…uncomfortable. Shifting their weight between their feet, refusing to look away from the floor.
What the fuck is going on?
Tyler massaged the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Tyler does know how you feel about this. That’s why he’s not fucking here. That’s why I’m here. Because he DOES know how you feel.”
“Listen Tyler, we spent so much money to fucking get you help. We tried our best to be good parents. You can’t fucking keep pretending anymore. You’re our son and we miss you. We want to be there for you more often, but Tyler if you keep fucking acting like this… what the fuck do you want from us? Grow up Tyler. Stop playing make-believe and grow the fuck up.” Tyler’s dad didn’t shout. His voice was low, but shook with anger.
Tyler’s mom was crying, and after a moment of uncomfortable anger, the 4 of them stormed out in a flurry of curses and tears.
There was a beat of silence, not uncomfortable, just uncertain.
“Well…that was another great birthday,” Jenna nodded in Tyler’s direction, “Another good try.”
“Uhhh….” Josh opened and closed his mouth repeatedly, unsure what to say what to ask what to do. He felt like a fish. “Whuuuh??”
“I probably shouldn’t be here for this. It….it took me some time and I definitely needed to be alone when I learned. So,” she grabbed another beer and headed for the door, “I’ll be outside. Cheers, boys.”
There was more silence when the door closed behind her.
Tyler wouldn’t make eye contact with Josh.
“Dude,” Josh ruffled his own hair awkwardly, unsure where to look or what to say.
“I shouldn’t….I shouldn’t be the one to tell you this. Fuck.” Tyler’s voice was deep and wavering.
Josh stood in silence, he didn’t know what to say, what was going on, what to even do.
“I….We….I….” Tyler chewed on the inside of his cheek, trying to figure out how to start his sentence.
“I’m not Tyler,” he said after a moment of silence. “I know… ok I know I look like Tyler,” he gestured at his body, “this is Tyler’s body….but sometimes it’s mine too. I’m uh…I’m …well… Among the myriad of mental health problems that we’ve got, Tyler has DID in the mix. Dissociative Identity Disorder. Uh. Some people call it, like, Multiple Personality Disorder. But that’s…not right. He’s had it…forever it seems like. Since he was a kid. I…. I’m an alter of his. Like…an alternate personality…I guess…I’ve been here for a while. We grew up together. We had each other through a lot of shit.... I was his only friend for the longest time.”
Tyler shifted his weight between his feet. Not Tyler. This person using Tyler’s body as a vessel. This person living inside of a body that wasn’t his, shifted his gaze to the floor, a familiar gesture. Of Tyler’s. Of this person. Piloting Tyler’s body like a fuckin alien spacecraft.
“You’re…so who are you?”
“My name is Blurryface. Blurry.”
Josh leaned close to the man in front of him. He knew Tyler was different sometimes. He knew…
“We’ve met then? You’re… familiar.”
Blurryface shrugged. “It’s easier to pretend to just be Tyler when we switch out. Neither of us can control it…so…it’s just…easier.”
Josh cocked his head slightly, “And…where’s Tyler?”
Blurry pointed to his head and grinned, “It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t already understand, you know? But he’s up here. He can usually see and hear what’s going on, if he wants to. Or he can ignore it all and …sleep, I guess. It’s like… a whole other world in our head. I spend most of my time there.” The last sentence was mumbled, somewhat bitterly.
Josh nodded. Ok. Ok. He understood mental illness. He might not completely understand how DID works and what it is, but he gets mental illness. Someone can’t help the way their brain reacts to trauma. Can’t help the way their brain is wired.
“So….ok… sorry if this question is weird I’m trying to…understand. So…Tyler is married. Are…are you married to Jenna too? You’re a different person so…what?”
Blurry laughed, small but it was nice to see a smile on his face. “No. We’re….friends. She’s known about us for a long time. We’re just friends. She’s not my type.”
There was more silence between them. Josh was thinking, trying to process everything. Tyler could see and hear what was happening. Tyler saw his parents insult him and leave. Tyler can see him now. Tyler…
“This doesn’t change anything between us…right?” Blurry’s voice was much tinnier than Josh was used to. He sounded exhausted and scared.
“Dude. Why would it? Now I’ve got two best friends. Do you know how sick that is? Plus,” Josh made gunhands and winked, “Now we’re officially a 3 man band.”
xxxxxxx
And it didn’t change anything between them. Not really.
Although it was a while before Josh saw Blurry again. And almost a week before Tyler texted him again after the birthday party.
But, like, Josh gets that. Josh gets how weird and scary telling people about your mental illness is. Josh gets the anxiety – the not wanting to see that person ever again. The feeling of a frog permanently wedged into your throat. Not being able to talk or breathe, just croak with a weary breath.
Tyler had looked exhausted and even smaller when Josh had first seen him after the…the thing. The coming out. The Blurry reveal. The thing.
Tyler looked small and fluffy and like he hadn’t slept in a year. And Josh’s anxiety was too high to let him do anything but stand there and wait for Tyler to make the first move. Josh wanted to hug him, wanted to fucking kiss that dumb small idiot, but no, noooope. He was too anxious to even breath, he could feel himself getting light headed.
“Thanks,” Tyler said, his voice soft and almost at a whisper.
Josh cocked his head, “What for?”
Tyler just gestured at himself, “You came back. You…don’t think I’m crazy?” He twirled a finger in his hair, anxious and waiting for an answer.
Josh stood in silence. His voice caught in his throat. “Dude,” he croaked out after a while, “Why wouldn’t I come back? You’re my best friend, man. And Blurry too. You’re both stuck with me, sorry. Even if you try to kick me from the band, I’m going to be hanging around your house, throwing rocks at your window. Hanging out with your cat. Probably drinking with your wife.”
Tyler looked ready to cry and Josh just shrugged.
“You’re not crazy. And even if you were, so what. I probably am too.”
Tyler clung to Josh, like always. Like nothing had happened. His hands wrapped around Josh’s torso, his head pressed against his shoulder.
“Thanks.”
Tyler had dug his way into Josh’s heart, like a worm tunneling through an apple, and nothing would change the fact that Tyler had grabbed hold of Josh’s very core. And by extension, so had Blurry.
Tyler was warm against him and Josh wanted to scream. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs that nothing mattered and that Tyler’s family could fuck off. He wanted to scream that Blurry was real and important and not something to be ashamed of and hide away. He wanted to scream that he loved them both so fucking much. But instead Josh stood in silence.
When they separated, Tyler’s eyes were red and his face looked like he’d rubbed it raw against Josh’s jacket.
“It’s good....that someone besides Jenna knows. Blurry always feels so…” Tyler chewed on his bottom lip, trying to think of the right word, “Lonely.”
His mouth felt dry and his heart sank but he shrugged as nonchalantly as he could manage, “Blurry and I have spent enough time together. He’s my friend too. Mi casa es Blurry casa, and all that shit.”
“He’s slept on your couch.”
“He’s slept on my couch!” Josh repeated, nodding, “He and my couch are very well acquainted and it would be a disappointment if he were to stop now.”
Tyler smiled, his typical smile, toothy and crooked and cute as fuck.
“Thanks, man.”
xxxxx
When Josh wasn’t with Tyler (or at work…or his far and few between other responsibilities) he was trying as best as he could to learn about DID; to learn what it meant to have another person living inside your head.
He didn’t really understand much of what he’d read. He tried though. A whole other person (sometimes multiple people) could show up unannounced and take up residence in Tyler’s body. It was systematic in the way it worked, each alter supposedly there for a reason, almost always there to help the main person in some way.
Blurry had never caused any trouble. He’d been Tyler’s only friend. And now, he was one of Josh’s only friends too. Funny, that.
xxxxx
Josh had sent a text. Too overcome with crippling anxiety to leave the bed, let alone walk his way to Tyler’s house. He wrapped himself up in his duvet and propped his laptop open against his knees.
They had planned on doing some actual recording today in Tyler’s basement. But the thought of actually doing this, of recording and putting it up for people to hear and actually making something out of the months of fucking around had made Josh’s chest hurt and head whirl.
He wasn’t ready. He would never be ready. For something tangible and real to come out of this. For people to know who they are, to hear what they’ve made. He felt like he was inches from death, honestly.
His lungs could barely stand it, breathing was hard and he couldn’t move. He pulled the duvet over his head and opened Netflix. He can handle Netflix. He can handle binge watching the X-Files and forgetting he exists. Forgetting that anything exists outside of Scully and Mulder and the thousands of aliens and paranormal beings.
Halfway through an episode (the one with Tooms. Fucking Tooms, Josh remembered having nightmares over this jackass as a kid), there was a soft rapping at his apartment door. He pulled the blankets away from his face and stared at the door, his mouth pursed.
He couldn’t stand. Couldn’t say anything.
“Can I let myself in?” a voice called, muffled slightly, on the other side of the door. Tyler. Except… not Tyler.
Josh made an affirmative noise, and after a moment of silence, his door opened up and in came Tyler, silently closing the door behind him.
But it wasn’t Tyler.
He stood tall, self-assured. His too-wide grin subdued slightly as he slid onto the couch beside Josh, propping his feet up against the table.
They sat in familiar silence; silence that Josh had grown used to. They’d done this hundreds of times before. Except now, Josh knows that sometimes it wasn’t Tyler. And this time. It wasn’t Tyler.
Josh wanted to say something. To acknowledge the person next to him, but he needed this. Needed the company and the silence, needed to hear his own heart thumping a thousand beats a minute.
He moved the laptop from his knees to the table, offering to share the screen. He leaned against his friend, feeling his breath against his neck. An arm made its way around Josh’s waist, and the two sat in silence, pressed together, for some time.
“Thanks Blurry,” Josh found his voice, dry and cracking, after the 4th episode had ended.
“Mmm. Tyler was worried about you. I was too.”
“Don’t worry about me.” Josh felt his cheeks burn slightly.
Blurry shrugged and pulled Josh closer, clinging to him the way Tyler does. Clinging to him in a way more comfortable than Josh could remember in the past.
“Is it cool if I stay?” Blurry said, his voice almost a whisper.
“Dude. What did I tell Tyler? Me casa es su casa. You and this couch have a good relationship going.” Josh’s voice was coming easier, and he could almost smile again.
“Might be a few days.”
“That’s fine. How….how do you know, though?”
Blurry’s eyes shone and he shrugged again, “Tyler needs a break. He’s worried. Life’s shit. And, sorry, but I’d rather sleep on your couch than have Jenna constantly asking me when Tyler’s coming back.”
“Well,” Josh pointed out, “she is married to the man. She loves him. All that dumb gross love stuff, you know.”
“Ha. Believe me, I know. I get it. It’s just…” Blurry’s voice trailed off and Josh could see him chewing the insides of his cheeks.
“Yeah. I know”
xxxxxxxx
Blurry ended up staying out for a week, at this point.
Josh would come home from his short shift at the book store and Blurry would be hunched over Josh’s kitchen table. He’d be scrawling furiously in his notebook. His thin pale body, wearing the same jacket he’d shown up in, a red beanie propped on his head. Every day.
On Monday, Josh had sat with Blurry in companionable silence, and watched him scribble into the notebook.
Josh had read until his stomach rumbled and he pulled Blurry away from his songs and his notebook to order them a pizza (“I can’t do it man. I can’t… You do it. You know how it is” so Blurry had groaned and called Dominos for them. 2 Large pizzas and a liter of coke. It ended up not feeling like enough).
On Tuesday, Josh had a particularly nasty day at work.
Debby had chided him for hiding from customers behind the shelves. He wasn’t exactly hiding. Not exactly. He was just avoiding them.
He wasn’t having the best mental health day, his anxiety over every little thing was through the roof and he just wanted to go home. Every little word spoken by every customer felt like a personal attack against him, and he felt like shit. Every time a customer had complained about a book not being in stock, or something being shelved wrong, it felt like knives being thrown at his goddamn heart.
When he got back home, he had pulled Blurry away from the table and onto the couch. It was one of those Netflix and not move kind of days.
He had pulled Blurry practically into his lap and hung all over him. He was warm and his deep voice made Josh’s chest rumble. They watched X-files for hours and Josh couldn’t tell you a single episode they watched. He was comfortable and warm and Blurry had wrapped his arm around him protectively.
Josh’s brain wouldn’t shut up. Every little thing wrong that he had done was repeating over and over. He couldn’t focus he couldn’t think about anything except for how awful he was and how he should be fired and how he should just die.
And Blurry would squeeze him tight, lean his head against his shoulder, and Josh could focus on Blurry’s heartbeat, Blurry’s breath, and Blurry’s rumbling chest.
Josh was so goddamn gay and in so deep and he’s double fucked but Christ does he not want to move away from Blurry. (they ended up sleeping on the couch together, Josh’s legs stiff and his arms sore, Blurry’s face red when they wake up, wrapped up in each other, tangled in the blanket.)
On Wednesday Josh skipped work.
He called out sick, but really, that meant the thoughts of every little thing he did wrong were swarming around in his head. He’d only been scheduled for three hours and he absolutely could not imagine anything worse than showing up to a place that hated him to only get $21 at the end of the day. He wasn’t ready to go back and deal with that bullshit anyway.
He had headed to the mall with Blurry, initially only intending on picking up shitty mall Chinese food and leaving, but they ended up staying for a while. Blurry wasn’t one for outings. Normally, that was Tyler’s bag. Blurry came out when Tyler was overwhelmed or upset and usually that meant staying home or being with Josh (mostly it meant being with Josh). Blurry had said he could remember the last time he’d been to a mall (or if he’d ever been?).
The mall wasn’t anything special, just a few shitty stores and shitty restaurants.
Josh was overwhelmed and anxious and his head was spinning and Blurry had grabbed his hands and gripped him tight and lead him from store to store. Just browsing. Two happy boys just skipping work, wandering the mall, hands wrapped together. Blurry was calm and self-assured and everything that Josh wasn’t. And it was nice, to be with someone like that when his mind was going a million miles an hour (screaming at him, always screaming).
They ended up spending most of the day at the mall, with a good few hours spent in the shitty arcade. Blurry was particularly good at the shooters, which Josh distinctly remembers Tyler being absolute shit at. Josh liked the racing games, which won him absolutely no tickets. Blurry ended up getting them enough tickets for a finger trap. He put a finger inside and extended his hand to Josh, who followed suit.
And they stood there, giggling like idiots with their fingers pressed together, trapped.
On Thursday he wasn’t scheduled so he slept in.
Sure enough, when he woke up Blurry was slouched over the table, tapping rhythmically and writing. Josh wanted to get back to bed, pull the blanket over his head and scream. His brain felt like a trainwreck lately and all he could think about was how stupid and fucked up he was. How in deep he was for his best friend and his best friend’s alternate personality. How fucking gay and dumb and stupid and awful he was. He wanted to press the pillow to his own face and scream until his throat felt raw.
Josh slumped against the couch, sliding into it, and sighing. He was fucked, absolutely fucked. They were in a band together, and he was gay and dumb and stupid and fuck fuck fuck.
The tapping had stopped without Josh noticing, and he was surprised by the sudden dip in the couch next to him, the feel of Blurry’s head against his own. Josh’s heart skipped a beat. Skipped twelve beats. His breath caught in his chest.
“You ok, man?” Blurry had asked, his voice at a whisper.
“Mmmm” Josh gave a noncommittal half shrug, he couldn’t even brush up the goddamn effort for a full shrug. Everything took too much energy and he was not enough.
Blurry draped an arm across Josh’s shoulder. Josh couldn’t tell how long they sat like that, leaning against each other, sprawled together, breathing in sync. (fuck he was going to hell fuck)
Friday, after work Josh came back to his apartment to Blurry in the same spot. In the same jacket and red beanie, writing and tapping to a rhythm only he could hear.
Josh came up behind Blurry, handing him a new bottle of Advil, “Headaches alright man?”
“Mmmm, same old shit. Thanks.”
Josh sat at the table, looking down at the notebook.
Blurry had a poetic mind, maybe even moreso than Tyler. It was beautiful. He was beautiful.
And maybe he was a little bit in love with him. (maybe. Who the fuck is he kidding. A little bit. What a joke. Josh was absolutely in love with Blurry. Absolutely in love with Tyler. Fucking head over heels in love with these dumb fuckers.)
It was Tyler but not Tyler and Josh couldn’t tell if loving him was different or worse. He had loved Tyler despite everything and anything, he had memorized the slightest changes in his moods, in his personalities. He had loved Blurry from the beginning.
But now that he knew that Blurry is a whole other person, Josh doesn’t know how to handle his feelings anymore.
“Jenna called,” Blurry mumbled, bringing Josh back out of his thoughts, “She wants to know when her husband will be back.”
Josh leaned back in his seat, “Mmm?” He understands wanting Tyler back, but he also knows that he loves Blurry and doesn’t want him to leave. He feels at a loss, torn between his two friends that shared the same vessel.
“Soon. I think. I don’t know. It feels like he’s waiting for something.”
Josh grinned, toothy and dumb, “He’s waiting for us to finish the EP and put it up. He wants you to do all the hard work.”
Blurry chuckled, “Hell no. I did my part,” he flipped through the notebook, a mixture of Tyler’s handwriting and Blurry’s handwriting coming together to create and edit songs.
“Then what?” Josh’s eyes were still crinkled, still smiling brightly at Blurry.
Blurry just shook his head, standing suddenly. He took Josh’s hand in his, “Let’s go out.”
Josh didn’t even ask where. He didn’t care, really. Work had been ok. His anxiety was relatively calm today, and he was dumb and stupid and in love and would gladly go wherever Blurry wanted. So they went.
It turned out Blurry had wanted to go to the park. It was cold, but not to the point of snowing, so the park still had children in it, swinging and climbing and having a good time. Loudly.
They sat at the bench near the pond, throwing frozen peas (not bread, Josh had said when they’d entered the grocery store. Bread is bad and does bad things and hurts them and causes mold and algae and ok ok ok, Blurry had shushed him and grabbed a bag of frozen peas instead) at the ducks that had yet to escape the cold.
“I’m tired,” Blurry says, after a long silence between them. His voice is deep and weary, “I hate this.”
Josh eyes Blurry, looking from the man to the pond of ducks. “The….pond?”
Blurry tossed a handful of peas and sighed, gesturing at himself. “This. Years of only being out sometimes, of sharing this body. Of having migraines from switching. Of having to live a life that wasn’t intended to be my own.”
Josh pursed his lips. Nothing he could say could help the situation. He knew he couldn’t really relate. But...
“I think it’s nice, when I get to see you. I think it’s great…that I have both you and Tyler. I know it sucks. That you have to…share. But like, think of it as a time share, you know? You and Tyler split the property. He owned it first, so he has more days of the year he gets to use it. But you still get your time. And we’ll make sure your time is worth it.”
“We will?”
“Oh yeah,” Josh nodded sagely, “You’ve got me. My anxious piece of shit ass loves you, and we’re gonna have a blast.”
“Hmmm…” Blurry started wringing his hands, and chewing on the inside of his cheek. His eyes would meet Josh’s and he’d look down just as quickly. His fingers were deft and agile, his hands intertwining, holding themselves, tight tight tight.
Josh leaned closer to Blurry, “Don’t worry, man. You’re stuck with me.”
Blurry closed the distance between them, pressing his lips against Josh’s.
Josh felt his brain explode, he swears it, but that didn’t stop him from kissing back. Kissing. Kissing Blurry. Kissing Tyler (sort of…Tyler’s body anyway). Josh had imagined this a thousand times. But he never thought it would happen. The kiss was long and deep. His lips were soft and plump and he tasted like coffee and snow and Josh could feel his heart doing backflips.
Blurry pulled away and had a pained look on his face. “Sorry. Fuck. I’m sorry. I love you too, Josh.”
And he got up and walked off, briskly, his hands wringing in front of him, his head bowed.
Josh just sat there, holding a bag of frozen peas, with ducks nipping at his toes, begging for more.
His lips tingled, he could still taste Blurry in his mouth.
His best friend’s alter had kissed him.
His best friend had (probably) seen it. Had (probably) seen him kiss back.
He’d inadvertently kissed Tyler, Tyler’s body.
Ok.
Well.
Fuck.
xxxxxx
Josh didn’t leave his apartment for a few days. Save for some short shifts at work, he spent the majority of the following week in bed.
Tyler had texted him but he couldn’t text back. Couldn’t even read the messages. Couldn’t pick up the phone when Jenna had called. Couldn’t move from the bed.
He was alone and he couldn’t move. He’d fucked up. Except not really.
Blurry had kissed him first.
But fuck, does he not understand the logistics of this. Tyler was married. He’d kissed the body of a married man, even if he didn’t kiss Tyler himself.
He was in love with the body of a married man.
He pulled a pillow over his head. His head was pounding, throbbing with anxieties and reminders of how awful he was. He could barely breathe.
There was a knock at his apartment door, and it felt so loud he could feel it in his head. He couldn’t get up. Couldn’t move. They knocked once more. Twice. And then it was silent again.
Josh squeezed his eyes shut and screamed into the pillow, only to stop when the pillow was gently lifted off of him.
“Hey.”
It was Tyler. Small, unsure posture, small light voice, small half smile.
“You ok?”
Josh groaned and scooted over slightly, making room for Tyler.
Tyler kicked off his shoes and slid into the bed next to him.
“I’m sorry. I…” He thought for a moment, the silence felt overwhelmingly loud, like it could kill Josh just by existing, “We’re sorry. Blurryface and I. He… God. Josh. He loves you. He’s loved you sine we met, probably. Since the first moment he saw you through my eyes. And he….we….we’re sorry. For kissing you and bolting. It was…confusing. For me.”
Josh wanted to pull the pillow over his head again, wanted to press down and choke himself out. He loved Tyler so much and he didn’t need this he had ruined everything. “I’m sorry,” Josh mumbled, “You’re married and I’m hopeless.”
Tyler shrugged, “I am married. Blurry isn’t though. He…We’ve… It’s a thing we’ve worked through before. He’s never….wanted to be with anyone before really. Mostly he was into porn. You have no idea how much gay porn my parents found on my laptop when we were teenagers.”
Josh snorted with laughter.
“Blurry’s gay. He’s always been gay. We’ve… He’s been with people before. It’s…not new for us. For Jenna. But this…” Tyler made an empty gesture, “It’s a little new for me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Blurry’s gay, dude. When he used to…you know. Do his thing, I’d hide away in headspace. It was personal, private. Gay. Not for me. Jenna knew. She always knew. She’s known about us forever. It’s not cheating, because it’s not me. But….you. You’re something else, Josh. You’ve got us both wound up tight and wrapped around you. I was there. When he kissed you. I was there too.”
Silence as Josh tried to understand this. Tyler’s face was red and he was avoiding looking into Josh’s eyes.
“You’re…married?” Josh couldn’t move past this, his throat dry and his ears ringing.
“Maybe if you’d answer your phone once in a while, this part would have already been explained,” Tyler rolled his eyes, teasing his friend.
“It’s….confusing. There’s a lot of blurring with feelings when it comes to you. Sometimes I can’t tell where these emotions originated. Are they Blurry’s, are they mine, are they both of ours. I’m…straight. Or I thought I was. Or maybe it’s just you. Or maybe it’s just Blurry. But I don’t know. I don’t care. We love you. And Jenna loves you. And she….God dude, this is so weird, but like. You’re uh…invited to join our relationship…or whatever.”
Silence. Josh closed his eyes. What was happening. What…what is going on…. I’m dreaming this. I’m hallucinating. The anxiety has finally hit its peak and now I’m dead maybe.
“Uh, you don’t have to like. Kiss Jenna or date Jenna or whatever. If you’re not into her, that’s cool. She mostly…meant you know. Like you’d join for …me. I’m still married. I still, y’know. Love Jenna. But… you’d be my boyfriend. And you’d be Blurry’s boyfriend. And…yeah.”
Silence.
“Please, God, tell me I’m not making a huge fool out of myself and you’re totally into both of us. Blurry seemed to think so. God if he was wrong I’m sorry I can leave I can find a new drummer,” Tyler’s voice sounded higher, he spoke quickly and attempted to get out of bed.
Josh wrapped an arm around Tyler and pulled him closer.
“What did I tell you about trying to kick me out of the band?” Josh smirked, before giving a small frown.
“You’re serious?” He whispered, “You’re not messing with me?”
Tyler licked his lips. “I’ve never…I’ve never done this before. But… I want to.” He used a hand to gently pull Josh’s head closer to his, kissing him softly. It was short and sweet and God did Josh want it to last longer than it did.
“Fuck” Josh whispered, when Tyler let go of him.
Tyler grinned, but he wasn’t Tyler anymore. The grin was too wide and his eyes a little glazed over.
His voice deep and rumbly, “That’s the plan, dude.”
xxxxxx
It was weird.
Except not really.
It was different.
Except not really.
Tyler hung all over Josh. Blurry hung all over Josh. And Josh hung all over both of them.
They had always been close. So it was no different. But it was. The touches meant more now. The way Tyler would grip Josh’s arm meant love. The way Blurry would lean his head against Josh’s shoulder meant love. The way Josh would sprawl his legs all over theirs meant love.
It had taken some getting used to.
Except it didn’t.
Kissing them came naturally to Josh.
Blurry was more forceful, he would push and push and whine into Josh’s mouth. He would moan loudly and languidly into the kisses, pressing hard into Josh.
Tyler was quiet. His kisses were soft and small. He kept kisses short, his face burning bright red each time. He would nuzzle against Josh afterwards, smiling and shy.
Josh would push Tyler into his bed, kissing him, oh so softly. Press his lips down Tyler’s neck, down Tyler’s chest, covering him with kisses until he was blushing and breathless.
Blurry would throw Josh down, biting at him, biting at every inch of bare skin he could get.
They were so different, and Josh loved them. Josh loved them both, every little thing about them.
It was disgusting. He was disgusting.
He was in love.
xxxx
Josh has days where he wakes up, sandwiched between Jenna and Tyler. Jenna’s arms wrapped around Josh’s thighs, Tyler’s back pressed against his chest and Tyler’s perfect ass wedged in the space between his legs.
He hadn’t started anything with Jenna. He didn’t want to. He loved her, but in a way one loves a friend. Or the way one loves the wife of a boyfriend.
He liked her hands and her body and the kisses she presses against his forehead.
When Josh wakes up first, he lays there, breathing steadily. He would never make them uncomfortable by moving. He squeezes Tyler closer to him, and nuzzles into Tyler’s fluffy hair.
Jenna always kisses his shoulder before getting up, leaving the bed to the two of them.
Josh also has days where he wakes up in his bed with Blurry laying on top of him, gripping his shoulders tight. Those days he aches all over but his body feels like a good burn underneath Blurry’s weight. The bedroom usually smelled like sweat and sex and Josh would do his best to slip out from beneath Blurry to make coffee.
Sometimes. Josh still has days where he wakes up alone. And it doesn’t feel bad. Not always. He wakes up in his bed, with his blankets wrapped snugly around him. Or he wakes up on the Joseph couch, the television remote control wedged underneath him. He’d gotten too used to the warmth of the other bodies, and he’s always freezing when he wakes up alone.
Josh would spend those days with Netflix and the comfortable thrum of his anxiety.
The boys were still all about their music, practice never ended, and their bandcamp was actually getting hits (and Josh was actually blushing constantly because of the attention), but they were also about each other. More time spent hanging over each other, more time pressing sweet kisses behind each other’s ears. More time with Josh on his knees and Tyler’s voice being used for more than just rapping. More time with Blurry bending Josh over the piano.
They would never stop the music. But they slowed down a little.
xxxxx
Blurry liked to make Josh moan, loud and guttural. He liked to fill him to his limits and lick off the tears that well up in Josh’s eyes.
Blurry liked to throw him down on the bed (or the couch, or the piano, or the floor), and spread Josh’s legs. Josh would squirm wantonly as Blurry licked around his hole, taking his sweet time before plunging in. His thumbs pressed against Josh’s ass, pushing him further into the bed, swirling his tongue.
Josh would pant and groan and grind into the bed as Blurry would replace his tongue with a pair of slicked fingers. Scissoring inside of him, thrusting in and out, opening him up until his whole fist could fit inside. Blurry’s other hand pressing into Josh’s neck. Josh straining to breath, full of fingers and ready to explode.
“Please, Please, Please” his voice raw from Blurry’s nails digging into his throat.
Blurry’s hand would tighten and Josh’s breathing would get even more labored and he would feel loose and empty until Blurry’s thick cock would enter him in a single thrust.
His hand would leave Josh’s neck and Josh would feel them clawing along his back. He was full and bleeding and his throat raw and sore and his teeth clenched tightly. He groaned and moaned and his cheeks wet with tears.
Blurry would thrust rhythmically, hard and ferocious, filling Josh up. His nails would dig into every inch of Josh’s back, blood pooling underneath them.
Beneath him, Josh never stopped screaming, mewling, moaning. Blurry comes with Josh’s neck in his mouth, with his blood between his teeth.
(they fall asleep like that, josh sore and bleeding and blurry plastered to his back)
Tyler is different. Everything with Tyler is different and Josh is used to that.
He’s small and shy and rosy cheeks. He’s quiet and soft.
Josh peppers him with kisses. Tyler’s skin is soft and warm beneath his lips. He spreads his kisses from his forehead, gently against his lips, down his neck, his chest, his thighs.
Tyler squirms and blushes and pants with anticipation and it makes Josh’s heart flutter.
Josh likes the way Tyler tastes in his mouth, the way his body smells when he has him so close.
Gentle caresses and soft kisses; Tyler keens against Josh’s body, grinding against him and begging for more.
Josh is soft and gentle inside of him, slowly kissing his neck, slow thrusts, Tyler practically purring.
It was different.
Because they were different.
And Josh never wished for one when the other was around. His heart felt full to bursting and he loved them both. Loved how each of them showed it to him.
It was weird at first. Except it wasn’t. It came naturally to them all. To Josh, dating two people in one body wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, but it was perfect, and he was disgustingly enamored.
Josh still can’t get out of bed sometimes, his crippling anxiety burning a hole through his sheets. Tyler and Blurry still get disgustingly painful headaches from switching too often (not that they stop. in fact, they switch more now, for josh). Tyler was still small and rosy faced and always helplessly clinging to Josh. Blurry was still bitter and upset over Tyler’s family.
They’re still broken people trying to make it. But they’ve got each other now, and that might help.
And when they decide to release their first full album on iTunes, they make the decision hand in hand, pressing soft kisses together. Knowing they’ll always be together, even if it doesn’t pan out. The three of them.
Because, after all, it was never about being famous. Just having a good time. They just got lucky along the way.