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Sungchan just woke up one day and found out his husband isn't by his side anymore.
Whenever they fought, Shotaro would still be there with him somewhere within their house. If it gets bad, he'd go to his best friend's place - Eunseok's place - for the night then would go back home the next day. They'd keep the cool atmosphere until everything calms down, but still, eventually, they'll be able to patch things up.
However, it has been three days since he last saw Shotaro and haven't heard anything from him.
He's uneasy, he wouldn't lie. Especially when he tried to call his husband's phone only to find out it was left on his vanity mirror, together with his engagement and wedding rings. Shotaro just left a single note saying nothing else besides the words I'll make things right and those never made him calm.
It made his chest ache.
Anxiously, Sungchan called Eunseok who irritatedly answered him. That kind of weirded him out because the man is a happy guy who rarely (close to never) gets mad.
"What do you want?" Eunseok's voice was low and stiff.
"Did I catch you in a bad time?"
"Cut the chase. What do you want?" Sungchan was shocked at the welcome he received.
The man sighed. "Is Shotaro with you?" He'll try. He has to try.
"Why are you looking for him? Asking me even." Eunseok snarled. "Aren't you the spouse?" Sarcasm dripped from his voice.
"He forgot his phone, I can't contact him. I'm just -"
The younger man cut him. "You know what, if you're really paying attention or at least trying to notice, you'd see or feel something's wrong. Hyung never forgot anything; he even reminds everyone what to do because he never misses details. Your husband never leaves without notice because he's considerate of others. You of all people should remember that your man never verbalizes his concerns because he thinks he'll just be a bother." Eunseok took a sharp inhale of air. "Did you know your mom talked to him?"
That information got him concerned. "No. Nobody told me anything regarding that matter." And that was the truth. If he'd find it out, Sungchan will surely be at Shotaro's side.
Eunseok laughed, humorless. "Great! Please relay this to your mother. She doesn't need to bring your ex - wait, that's wrong - your mistress, other man, whatever, to make sure her order would come across. My best friend understands. He isn't stupid."
"Wha -" Sungchan wasn't able to ask anything else because the line beeped to hail the conversation's end.
***
Shotaro knew. But he tried. He thought it was enough, but apparently, it'll never be.
He knew that Sungchan's mother doesn't like him despite his stellar grades, good job, beautiful face, and amiable personality. No matter what he did nor achieved, he'd always be the poor man who was able to latch himself like a leech at a rich young man.
And it hurts him.
Truthfully, Shotaro loved Sungchan. It didn't matter to him if his man was clumsy, giddy, corny, gullible - he loved Sungchan for who he was. And he believed he was loved all the same. So when fate made him realize he was apparently wrong, his heart shattered.
Everything about him shattered.
When he saw his husband kissing his ex-lover by the restaurant they were supposed to meet (until Sungchan canceled at the last minute), he thought it was nothing but Wonbin's effort to have the guy back. He let go of the incident and received a scolding from Eunseok which just rolled off to his other ear.
On the repeating incidents that Sungchan wouldn't attend their dates due to reasons (which are absurd to his best friend), whenever his husband would forget the special dates in their relationship (their anniversary, their first dates, and whatnot), in the instances wherein the man would refuse his initiations (which hurt him) . . . he'd brush it off. Not because he didn't mind, but because he believed in what they have. More importantly, Shotaro believed in Sungchan.
But everything was a mistake on his part when he saw them cuddling one night on their bed, asleep.
It didn't help that there were clothes messily thrown around the room. It didn't calm him to see his husband sleeping shirtless with another man which he believes is naked under their sheets. It made him quiver to smell the scent of lavender in the entire room - his favorite scent to enjoy whenever they make love.
More importantly, it made his stomach churn because he loathed the only man he loved.
So once he took in the scene, he quietly went down into their kitchen and vomited. He then cried quietly, punching his chest because it hurt. But his pain stopped when he saw blood dripping from his thighs. Shotaro didn't want to believe it at first until he felt pain in his pubic area.
He might be pregnant.
The sad man quickly kept his cool even though he really wasn't feeling well and went out of the house through the back door. He quickly messaged his best friend, focusing on the life he believes is inside him.
It didn't take a genius to know that Eunseok's beyond angry when he found out about Sungchan's infidelity. Still, the kind man abided his friend's request to sneak into their house and clean any traces of Shotaro's pain. He stayed with the man, asking his parents to look over his best friend whenever he's at work because he knew Shotaro is alone. Not because he was orphaned at an early age, but rather because his husband left him hanging on a thin thread without anything else to hold on to.
Eventually, once the doctors deemed his baby alive and healthy, he went back to his house. A place that will never be his home, not when someone else claims the place.
What Shotaro didn't expect was a mad Sungchan. He's absolutely clueless at his spouse's blatant accusations. But he wasn't able to get a word out. Especially when Sungchan's mom came at the wrong time during the argument. Sungchan left, irritated and left him with the woman who always saw the worst in him.
And that was when he met Wonbin face to face for the first time.
Shotaro saw the man's reluctance with the confrontation, but Mrs. Jung wouldn't back down with the comparison. It made him sink lower and lower into the hidden quicksand, brazenly keeping a neutral face. Wonbin stopped the woman from her bitching and asked Mrs. Jung to leave them alone.
He'd expected arrogance. He thought he'd be belittled further. But with a trembling voice, Wonbin apologized. Because he's destroying a relationship. Because he's being selfish. Because he's desperate.
The man mainly apologized because he wanted someone he can never have back.
That's how their conversation ended. But that one meeting is enough for Shotaro. He never needed anything more. He's ready even though he's afraid. This is what he thinks is right. And he isn't alone.
***
Days turned to weeks. The weeks passed into months. Seasons changed as months passed by. Still, Sungchan couldn't find Shotaro. He couldn't even trace him, not even his husband's shadow.
Unfortunately, he's running out of time.
Sungchan wanted to blame his mother for hurting Shotaro. He wanted to criticize Wonbin for being desperate. He wanted to rebuke Eunseok's help for his husband. But he can't.
Not when he should be condemned for all his wrong decisions.
He shouldn't have listened to his mother's accusations. He shouldn't have allowed himself to fall into the sin with Wonbin. He should've been supportive like Eunseok was. He should've believed in his husband more and loved him the way he deserved to be.
But he chose to be naive, and now he's about to lose everything.
After his last call with Eunseok, Sungchan found himself not just anxious but also scared. He knew the younger man was mad for something he had an idea of, and knew what his husband was planning. So he had the man stalked. Apparently, Eunseok and his family are as clueless as he is. The investigator recorded all of Eunseok's conversations with their common friends which doesn't lead him to any place where Shotaro is. Evidently, his husband's best friend asked Hanbin, their Detective friend, to look for Shotaro nationwide without publicly announcing it. He didn't want Shotaro to hide further.
Additionally, he doesn't want to let Sungchan know that Shotaro is pregnant.
Upon hearing that information, Sungchan felt like a bucket of ice was dumped off him. He went to their room and frantically looked for his husband's diary. The man knew that Shotaro likes to write, thus, his diary is his buddy ever since he was little. His husband ensures the notebook's safety, claiming that he doesn't want Sungchan knowing his secrets.
He found the notebook under the carpets beneath a cabinet. Luckily it wasn't sealed so he saw the contents right away. And it surprised him that the page he'd first see depicts his kiss and dates with Wonbin. Beneath the colored sheets lie Shotaro's beautiful script.
I miss his smiles. I sincerely hope he's genuinely happy.
That made Sungchan break a sob.
With trembling fingers, he flipped pages until a black and white glossy sheet caught his attention. It was something he couldn't put a finger on but it made him happy just to see the picture. When he ran his fingers against it, he smiled unconsciously. He turned wary when another sheet made its attention to him. Underneath the picture, a folded paper is pasted. Carefully, he undid the folds and braced himself for the news.
Shotaro is indeed pregnant.
But that's not all. On the next page, another community of words made him utterly crazy.
Sadly, I am three months pregnant.
I know I should be happy because this is what I have always dreamed of. But I can't. It's not that I didn't want to. But for him, I have to endure this emotion.
He shouldn't know.
I don't want to be selfish as I have always been that I never realized he's unhappy. I knew to an extent - there were hints all over the place - but I decided to ignore it. I made my choice to believe everything is going well.
It is my fault, after all.
Truthfully, I can't ever be mad at Wonbin because I know Sungchan was rightfully his. I was the one who came at a rather unspecified time and destroyed what they have. And honestly, I know Sungchan would argue if he'd know this because he kept telling me they have broken up way before I came. That Wonbin destroyed him for choosing to leave. For pursuing his dreams.
Sungchan has always been a baby so I understand his anger against the man. Still, if I would be in Wonbin's shoes, I'd rather leave him too. Not because I'm being selfish but because I knew better. He wouldn't be happy with me as I myself don't entirely know not sure if he loves me back. And since he found out his answer, after ten years they've been apart, I can't bring myself to fight.
He isn't mine. And he will never be.
I may have helped him stand up and move on. That's the only credit I can give myself. But it is Wonbin whom he wants. Whom he needs. Whom he loves. I was the only person he believed was there for him during his darkest times. And it made me happy and content.
Still, it doesn't take away the fact that I was a mere replacement.
Sungchan sat down into the bed, trembling. He didn't know what Shotaro always felt. He had always wished he knew but his husband chose to endure everything alone because he never thought of himself as special.
Rather, he was a bother in his own eyes.
He may be bewildered as of the moment, but Sungchan decided to continue.
In every comparison he throws at me, I feel like I'm losing myself. I wanted to shout back that I am not that man who left him, I am not that person who saw the worst in him, nor was I that guy who blamed him for everything. For I am that man who loved, accepted, and stayed for who he was. Not because of his money. His looks. His lineage. But simply because he's the man I love.
And because I do . . . I am letting him go.
Eunseok is going to scold me for this. I have always dragged him into my messes and I truly felt indebted to him. Still, this is my life, my problem, so I have to stand for what I believe in.
I won't abort my flesh and blood. Even if nobody except me accepts them. I won't abandon. Being left behind is the worst thing I have ever experienced; thus, I' am choosing to stay.
Not at Sungchan's side, though. I can never stay by his side even if I wanted to.
Sungchan flipped the page, torn. Actually, he didn't notice the frequency of his comparisons he made using his standards with Wonbin. He'd be lying to say he's never noticed the difference of their lifestyles; he is happy with Shotaro, one thing he couldn't deny. Shotaro is the only person who came into his life that was spontaneous and didn't expect anything in return. It made Sungchan proudly tell people what he is and the man's support is enough for him.
I wonder . . . will you ever see this?
You have always valued our privacy, one thing I wasn't that grateful of until now. If the time comes you see this, I wish you weren't looking for me. I'll not lie, I wish you are missing and needing me, but I wouldn't dare to hope now. It is enough for me that I would at least be remembered even if not everytime.
Thank you for everything. Loving you was blissful. It felt good to wake up in your smiles each day, I got giddy feeling for every hug and kisses you give me, I felt electrifying everytime we touched hands . . . things that never changed ever since I loved you. It was like I was a teenager falling in love for the first time; the happiness I felt albeit temporary made me whole.
Next, please know that I am sorry for being selfish. As grateful as I am, I found out that my negligence of your feelings made me cruel and I want you to know that I didn't mean to. Hurting you isn't something I wished nor did intentionally.
I also want you to know I'll always be regretful. Not because I loved you - you're the best thing that happened to me - but my ignorance caused you nothing but pain and suffering.
So . . . I'm returning you two special aspects of your life that I selfishly stole from you.
As a favor, I hope you could give me time. Nothing more. If that time comes, I hope you'd at least not regret our times together and remember what we had.
I love you. Always.
I miss you, Channie.
Tears were falling from his eyes as he clutched Shotaro's letter into his chest. He didn't deserve such a man, yet he nothing anyone else but him.
He moved double time. Sungchan wanted no one else but Shotaro. The man had brought it up to his mom and scolded her for being manipulative and selfish. He'd still admitted that he's also at fault for being naive, but he made clear that he'll never allow anyone to hurt Shotaro.
Sungchan also squared it up with Wonbin. He honestly rejected Wonbin's intentions. He was late, he knew, but he wanted to set things straight. Being with his ex is something he thought he wanted, until his loss made him realize it was not the relationship he needed at all.
The man also made more effort. He lowered his pride and apologized to Eunseok; coming clean by confessing that he had always been jealous of the other male. To which Shotaro's best friend accepted. Eunseok apologized too, stating that he had always seen his friend as an older brother despite not being blood related. They joint efforts in finding the hiding man, making the atmosphere lighter and hope brighter.
***
A week after his media post, Sungchan found himself face to face with a couple named Sohee and Seunghan. They saw his interview from the television and made an effort to try to reunite them.
Sohee met Shotaro accidentally in a bar drowning himself in alcohol after a fight he had with Seunghan. He was not drunk but still tipsy, and being meddlesome as always, bartender Shotaro made small talk with the brooding guy. It turns out that Doctor Seunghan wasn't able to get away from his schedule, making his husband wait at the restaurant to celebrate their anniversary. Pissed, Sohee went over to his parent's place and drank, ignoring his husband's frantic phone calls and texts. Shotaro gave an unsolicited advice but Sohee was stubborn. Unknowingly to the man, Shotaro recorded Sohee's concerns and secretly sent it to his husband after slyly having the drunkard open his phone.
When Seunghan picked Sohee up, he thanked Shotaro and took the sleeping man home. They were able to settle their fight, and the thankful couple pulled Shotaro out of the bar, springing him a job at the hospital Seunghan worked at as a gardener.
Seunghan referred Shotaro to his colleague for prenatal check-ups for free. The man was overwhelmed but Sohee insisted.
They didn't lie; they tried interviewing Shotaro regarding his life, but the man was adamant to keep his silence. He only states he was orphaned since middle school and was separated from his husband. He's also careful not to mention any names nor addresses that's why they don't have any idea on where Shotaro really lived.
They're happy for their friend. Really. But not because of the current circumstances.
Neither Sohee or Seunghan would talk, they just asked Sungchan to come with them.
***
Dread. That was all Sungchan felt. They came at a rather puzzling scene, at least for Sungchan. Zhanghao, one of the hospital's doctors wouldn't let anyone in except the frantic Seunghan in a room. Sohee did mention earlier that Shotaro stays in the hospital now, but didn't specify why. So, it was entirely a surprise for him as he hasn't expected to be brought into the wards.
Anxiety replaced the surprise he felt as hours passed until he was allowed to see his husband. He walked slowly, taking deep breaths. Sungchan had waited for this day, however, fate has a different plan.
When he entered the room, Sungchan now understood why his husband is staying in the hospital. Shotaro lay thinly over the bed, his bulging stomach looked unproportionate in his body. He's pale, skin almost sticking into his bones. He's so breathing laboredly, despite being positioned sitting on the bed. Different machines are hooked to him, beeping annoyingly, but the man seemed oblivious to it. Shotaro can't sleep with noise and lights; seeing the man in a place made Sungchan's heart clench.
It took all of Sungchan's will not to cry as he walked towards his husband. He sat beside him and took his right hand, kissed the back of it and squeezed it tight. He hated the loss of luster in his husband's body and felt very guilty for his ignorance.
When they were waiting in the lobby, Sohee took the chance and explained what went wrong. They actually didn't know that Shotaro was taking multiple jobs to finance himself. He's been really trying even pregnant even though Seunghan and Sohee happily finances his needs. The hospital had even lent him a quarters to stay, seeing him as an exemplary employee and all, but Shotaro is stubborn to keep his other jobs. He'd forget his vitamins, he won't go for check ups, he'd be saying everything is alright.
On his sixth month of pregnancy, he collapsed, way too underweight for his supposedly healthy body. The Ob-Gynes said their child is still fighting for its life like Shotaro is, but he should allow himself to heal. This is when Shotaro cried into Sohee, apologizing for being a burden. He said he needed to return back what he took from Sungchan and he is close to getting it. He can't repay his husband for all the man's wasted resources if he didn't work. He doesn't want to lose his child either, but he doesn't have a choice. This is the only way he could redeem himself after being a criminal for so long. Neither of the people understood Shotaro's concerns that was crystal clear to Sungchan.
His husband is planning to die. Alone. Without leaving any trace of his existence.
Sungchan wanted to be mad but he can't. It was his fault after all. All he can do is cry in his husband's hand, wish that everything will be back to before even it can't be reversible anymore.
In between his sobs, Shotaro woke up. He caressed Sungchan's wet cheeks, sad. His husband held into it, scared to let go. Sungchan also went to touch his husband's belly, feeling the movement of the life in there. It made him happy for awhile, momentarily forgetting their grieving situation.
"Why are you here? You shouldn't be here." The sickly man asked after sometime, voice is barely above a whisper.
Confused, Sungchan furrowed his eyebrows. "Why?"
"Wonbin would be lonely. Go."
"Why are you asking me to leave?" He didn't want to express his frustration, but Shotaro's patient despite his husband's apparent confusion. Sungchan's beyond exasperated.
Shotaro faltered. "I don't want you to. But he needs you. Have you looked into the date today?" He dragged his words slowly, trying to get his point across.
His husband did as he was told. The man looked at his watched which glared March 2. He then looked at Shotaro. Truthfully, he hasn't been counting the days. He didn't care whatever celebration he missed. But Shotaro is carefully counting the days for him because all he can do as of the moment was remember.
"I'm here to get you back. I need you back." Sungchan said, full of conviction. He brushed off the sick man's suggestion for Wonbin's birthday. He knows where he should be.
The sick man gently shook his head and allowed himself a small smile. "Let me go. Let us go."
"No. We'll settle this. We'll make this work." The repentant man said, tightening his hold into the bony hand.
Tears. Shotaro just shed silent tears. "I'm tired." He mouthed.
Shaking his head, Sungchan smiled bitterly. He doesn't want to give up any percentile of a chance he has. "I'm staying with you."
Shotaro took a resigned deep breath and slowly closed his eyes, drifting to sleep.
***
The next days, Sungchan stayed at Shotaro's side. Sohee and Eunseok took turns in alternating with him if he's on errands, as the two men are more familiar to Shotaro. The sick man isn't fond of the attention he's getting, but the baby is as evidenced by the child's constant movement upon hearing Sungchan's voice, so he allowed himself to be happy.
But there are pressing matters at hand. Shotaro didn't help to hear his mother-in-law shouting to Sungchan over the phone because Wonbin is hospitalized too. She didn't even try to hide her disgust upon knowing Shotaro is pregnant. She simply didn't care, pressuring Sungchan to leave Shotaro instead.
And Shotaro made up his mind when he found out Sungchan had fainted once due to fatigue.
He didn't want to be a burden. But for every little thing that makes him happy, others suffer. Shotaro knew Sungchan does care because he can feel his husband's fear of losing him. Still, nothing changed. Everything is as confusing and troublesome as before, and the sick man can't help to wish everything would end.
That day came abruptly, for Sungchan, that is.
When he came from home after cooking Shotaro's favorite foods, he found the room empty. Clean. Bare. Silent. There were no traces of his husband in the area, and panic came all.over him. He called Seunghan, anxious, and prayed for every ring he hears that everything is all right.
Shotaro left the hospital and stayed at a humble house he bought by the sea. He's tired. Way too tired. He became numb in the process that he started to feel nothing at every effort the medical team do to him. He left exactly like before, without any notice. That's what he thought. But in less than half of a day, Sungchan stood in front of him, frantic and sweaty as he engulfed Shotaro in a hug. He didn't know how the man managed to find him again but he wanted to finish this.
"Chan," Shotaro started as Sungchan embraced him while they were sitting on the rocking chair.
"Hmm?" Sungchan kissed his neck. He missed this.
The sick man took hold of Sungchan's hand. "Promise me you'll be happy. Okay?"
It made his husband concerned. "Of course we'll be happy."
Shaking his head, Shotaro removed his wedding ring that was returned to him by Sungchan when he was first found at the hospital. "I'm giving everything back to you."
Sungchan closed his fists. He doesn't want Shotaro to return anything to him. He hugged him tight instead. He wouldn't give up until Shotaro tells him that he'd rather stay with him.
"Chan . . ." Shotaro paused. He didn't know how to continue as his every breath is now labored. Still, he has to. "I have coveted your happiness and freedom. I knew you still loved Wonbin when we started the relationship. I took the chance with you because I saw and felt your sincerity to be with me. However, when he came back, he made you happy again. You started smiling back at every little thing, you became focused on your job - you regained your true self." Shotaro started crying by then. "And truthfully, I hated the fact that he made you you when all I did was restrain you, destroy your familial ties, and made you lose yourself in the process. I can't stay selfish because I can't stand it anymore, seeing you sacrifice everything for me."
"Baby, don't say that. Please." Sungchan made Shotaro look at him, wiping his tears in the process. "You made me happy. You made me see things I haven't realized because I stubbornly kept my eyes closed, you made me experience life without ever thinking of any reasons to hold back. Don't do this. Please."
"We love you. We always will."
And the next thing Sungchan heard was was tinkling of the fallen ring by the cold tiles.
***
The burial was simple. Wonbin came too, remorseful. People wanted to shoo him away. He's one of the reasons why Shotaro had suffered. But Sohee read Shotaro's requests the first day of the mourning. They wanted them to forgive Wonbin. Allow him to stay if he comes. Because he'll be married to Sungchan soon. Because peace will make him happy.
So with straight faces and churning stomachs, Eunseok, Sohee, and Seunghan stood silent. Not Sungchan. He grabbed the man as well as his celebrating mother and dragged them off the gates of the cementery. Eunseok tried to calm the raging man while his father hugged him tightly to support him for his loss but their efforts were futile.
And they knew what triggered the hatred more. Shotaro used the last of his savings and money to gift Sungchan and Wonbin of a small house for their wedding.
Sungchan couldn't accept it.
As a favor, he did ask Seunghan to take their baby out of Shotaro's belly so he could be named aptly for his gender. Sungchan named the sleeping child Chanyoung (he refused to accept his son's death) as per Shotaro's request. But having a picture of his child will never be comparable to the what he could have photographed if he would be growing and breathing.
When everything came to an end, Sungchan drank his wits out with his late husband's favorite wine. He'd haul their belongings and memories out of their house and Shotaro's employee room, bringing it to the small house Shotaro bought. He'd design it the way his husband would, smiling to himself as he reminiscence those petty arguments during the decorating and arranging their house. But he felt empty.
He questioned himself in the process.
What's the point. He's now free and supposedly happy but he felt nothingness instead.
Unknowingly to everyone, he brought gasoline jars. Sungchan scattered the smelly liquid all over the living room and kitchen before he opened the bare stove, leaving the gas open too. Then with slow but sure steps, together with Shotaro's last clothes and Chanyoung's onsies, he went into the bedroom.
The lonely man lied to the bed, smelling the remnant scents of the people he knew as home. He heard the rupture, smelt the burn, saw the smoke . . . but he lay very peacefully.
Sungchan would rather stay bound and sad with Shotaro and Chanyoung than feel free and happy with Wonbin.
Because his husband and his child is his home.
And so, he lets the fire succumb him to peace . . . finding his way to Shotaro and Chanyoung's arms again with a smile.