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Anne was gone.
Mostly.
Lina didn't want to dissect how she felt about that exactly.
She knew she missed her but it seemed unimportant. After all, Anne was moving on. Or so she had heard. Rumours weren't the best source of information but it wasn't like she was going to stalk the woman.
It was hard to not be obsessed. Every thougt, every word, every pointed glance or chance sighting in town or for any other reason left Lina drowning.
Suffocating.
An apt comparison; This wasnt love. It was pain. Aching. Desperate. Heart beating in your hand, held out in offering. Blood on the tiles. Love.
It felt awful.
Cathy was a family friend. Some stupid, underevolved part of Lina cried disloyalty, betrayle, but of what? Lina was barely with Anne. When she was it was an affair. If given chance she knew she would take Anne no matter the morals of it. That was what she had done before. But then again, which would win: Her pride (after Henry, after being used by Anne repeatedly) and her fury at being so helpless and desperate and dare she say it, in love. Or Anne.
So while she wasnt happy she was logical because logic does not love and hurt and logic was what Lina needed like air right now. More than Anne. Because of Anne.
Everything was.
This wasnt healthy.
This in its entirety was wrong.
But Cathy had gone. It was a party Lina attended of obligation. A family event where Anne was paraded on Cathys arm like a status symbol. Lina stared at her champagne until the bubbles blurred.
And Lina was struck quite quickly by how pleasant Cathy was. Her smile. Her jokes. A good person.
Anne never had an interest in good. Good people arent obsessed and Anne wanted to intruige. To compel and corrupt. Intoxicate. She wanted to be the everything. For Cathy, unlikely to happen. For Lina, she was perfect poison already.
Still. It was wrong for Lina to be doing this, letting Anne kiss her, drag her off out of the way of everyone else. Wrong. Because Cathy was good but Anne wasnt and that was okay because neither was Lina and they could be wrong together.
Wrong.
Even though it all felt perfectly placed, a scene in some indie movie. Even though Lina stared at her like a pilgrim before a saint. Never mind the stupidity. Ignoring everything. It was perfect. Music fromnthe party and Anne sat half aleep on Linas lap while the Spaniard stroked her hair as they sat on the window sill and watched traffic down below in the city. Lights blending and spinning as Annes hair was braided tight by Linas careful hands then undone in curls. Reflections of the scene in Annes eyes as she faced Lina. "So Cathy wants me to move in.".
"Oh.". Eloquent as always. "Okay.". No it wasnt. Obviously. Anne was Linas. All hers. She was some driving force behind so much. It was so toxic but poison had neve tasted this sugar sweet. Or looked like such an angel.
Lina already was suppressing her urge to start screaming. Possessiveness was ugly. Just like grabbing Anne and pulling her away from her girlfriend was ugly. Telling her they needed to talk. Kissing her. And not regreting it once. All ugly.
Hell. She was ugly.
But Anne belonged to her. Right? Cathy was smart. Smart enough not to lose her mind. Pretty enough Lina was angry.
And good. Nice. Kind.
Anne was frowning up at Lina as if she had gone totally insane. "Thats it?"
"What do you want me to do, beg you not to? Its your life.". Not exactly what was going through her mind.
Anne shoved Lina slightly away. "Dont act like you dont care."
"Who says its acting?" She spat back. In her head a voice pleaded with her to stop with these matches before she burnt this bridge down. "I couldnt care less. Move in with Cathy. Enjoy your life. Ignore me."
"YOU DUMPED ME.". Anne hadnt stopped caring who heard. She just waited for Linas checking of the door. Her paranoia. She got off her, scowling deeply and stepping away when Lina got closer. Outside the secluded room they shut themselves in, there was stil a party. Somewhere Cathy was smiling. She was happy. Secure knowing she had a gorgeous girlfriend waiting for her. Content. Lina had given up trying to do anything but pity Cathy. "You. Dumped. Me. You do not get to play victim now.".
Now would be the time to tell her the truth.
Just to say it. If nothing else it could stop Anne staring at her like she didnt even know who she was looking at.
But Lina couldnt bring herself to do it. Forty six days and eight hours. They had been over for over a month. They were barely a thing in the first place.
Why was Anne so upset? She was supposed to be the perfect one. Uncracked and uncrackable. Watch her burn everything you love and smile at her because the fire is beautiful with her blinding green eyes.
She was Anne Boleyn. Why was Lina somehow the antagonist? She just wanted Anne so why was this an argument?
Tell her the truth. Say I love you. Say I love you. Say it say it say it you coward.
"Annie.". God, no, dont say her name. Tell her the truth! "Im sorry.".
"Good! You acted like a child and took it out on me and you should be sorry! Because Im sorry. For what we ended up losing. Im sorry. Okay?". Anne stood like a snapshot of fury, hands balled up and face reddening more by the second.
"Yes. No. Anne?"
"What do you want?"
Anne Boleyn. That answer was obvious enough though. "For things to be how they were. And happy.".
Anne sighed and sat down. "Were we happy? Or was it just some stupid, idiotic plan to get away from Henry?". She rubbed her face and glanced up at where Lina stood awkwardly.
"I was happy." The Spaniard said dumbly. Anne snorted.
"No you most certainly were not."
"Yeah, point taken.". She sat beside her on the floor. "I missed you.".
"I missed you too. Not us," She added to some confusion "You. I dont miss anything about myself to be honest.". They sat in perfect silence for too long.
Anne watched Lina. She watched the door.
Lina spoke up. "Im obsessed. With you.".
Back a little to her old grandiose self, Anne bobbed a small bow while stil seated. "And I with you.".
"Addicted.".
"Addicted to little old me?". Anne gave a small laugh. "Kind."
Lina watched her eyes. That was her best measure, her only crack in the glimmering armour. Annes glinted with tears that could not and would not fall.
Despite whatever it was that meant so much to her, which Lina had an awful feeling was to do with her, Anne kept up her act for now. She had buckled before but wouldnt break.
Lina didnt know if it was idiotic or admirable.
Knowing Anne, it was some bizarre unknown third option.
Lina sighed. "This is madness.".
"Amen to that, love.".
"What do we do?"
Annes eyes again- Bright and shining. "I know.".
To this day, Lina didnt know why or how she shoved her away as she went to kiss her.
Anne blinked at her, confused and vaguely hurt.
"Cathy." Lina reminded her.
Outside the room the party music was heard as if from some great distance, as if the two women were in the serene eye of a storm.
"… Is in love with her ex. And I want you." Said Anne, pouting a little.
She sounded exactly like a spoilt child. More. More. More. Always unsatisfied. Always annoyed.
She thought about what Anne haad said and in a rush understood.
Anne was Linas world but Lina was Annes escape. She didnt want a relationship because she wanted to preserve that.
She wanted mess and pain and rock'n'roll or whatever went on in her head. She never wanted a 'them' because she wanted Lina alone. Nothing else. No words or anything reliable.
She wanted some sort of plaything to avoid the real world. At least thats how Lina saw it.
"Sometimes bad decisions have to be made." Lina mimicked her, feeling hot righteous anger rising in her at this nerve. The actual gall this woman had, demanding her as if she was nothing except another heart to break. All at once she found resolve. No, if Anne wanted to win her she could play by Linas rules. "Dont look so mad. You said it.".
"You literally said you want me back! Miss how it was? Want it to be like before?"
"I want you. You want to kiss and then ignore me.".
"I didntignore you. Its called a respectful distance. You did dump me.".
"Because you were literally marrying my ex husband.". Lina rolled her eyes. "I am not just bowing to your will. You want me then have me. If you want Cathy then fine.".
"Fine?!"
"So you do want me to beg? You drive me absolutely menta-"
"Youre acting like a child.".
"And youre acting like yourself." She spat venomously.
Anne stood, turning from her. Both arms crossed firmly in a wall before her.
Lina accepted that she may have pushed it too far.
"Anne-"
The girl went to the door.
"-Anne-"
They were done. Nothing. Why did this hurt so much? Why did it all hurt? Looking at Anne felt like having shards of glass in her heart.
That conversation veered between multiple extremes. And now Lina watched the door close feeling numb all over. Apparently Anne Boleyn took her feelings when she stole her heart and dignity. Lina didnt really want to ask for them back.
Did Anne care?
Oh well.
Lina was moving on. Right?
Stalked out of that room head up and after a few minutes was talking to Annes cousin. The blonde was sweet, but Lina was staring over her shoulder at where a bored looking Anne was shaking slightly with Cathy, silent as the other womaan ranted at her before stalking away.
Anne began to walk over.
Dammit. Linas half formed revenge plan of making out with Annes cousin was rapidly going out the window. Everything that before was numb was now painful and raw, newly bruised.
And Jane slunk off with a scowl as Anne took her place and wound both arms around Linas neck. "I did it.".
"What?"
"I left her. So?"
"So?"
"Do you want me or dont you?" Anne asked, arrogance in her smirk and the way she glanced away, yet an almost shy look in those beautiful eyes.
Lina waited for the moment of waking up.
It didnt come this time.
Just Annes lips on hers and the hope that she would never be numb again. She couldnt be with Anne around.