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When Heosu first met Damwon’s new jungler there was really only one thought in his mind: Why did the new guy have to be so damn tall?
Heosu wouldn’t have normally cared so much about someone's height. Before the last couple of weeks, how tall someone was was the last thing on Heosu’s mind. He had more important things to think about, like League of Legends.
Truthfully, that was because Heosu had been living in blissful denial. He didn’t think about height because he didn’t want to think about it. He was a little short, he knew that. But some of his teammates were pretty close to the same height as him. And he was still fairly young and could surely put on just a few more centimeters (he'd take anything more to be honest).
But when the team got bored and Heosu’s height became the joke of the week (just because he couldn’t reach something on the top shelf) that denial took a hit. And when the new team member was younger than him but infinitely taller, it shattered his thin hope almost completely.
The moment the new jungler walked through the practice room door in his 180cm something or other glory, Heosu could just hear the teasing voices of his team in the days to come.
It was these conditions that led to a polite but short introduction between them. After all, the younger boy was just too tall to not get on Heosu’s nerves.
"Showmaker, Heosu. Mid laner. Nice to meet you." A polite nod of the head of course.
"Canyon, Kim Geonbu. Jungle. Nice to meet you too. Please take care of me." A small bow in return.
An awkward silence between them ensued before Canyon was herded off to meet someone else.
Huh, he’s pretty quiet isn’t he. Heosu hoped his internal struggle hadn’t shown on his face and somehow weirded Geonbu out. That probably wouldn’t be a good first impression. Heosu decided it would be best to get over this initial pettiness so that he and Geonbu could get along. Afterall, they were going to be on the same team for who knows how long.
It didn’t take very long for Geonbu to settle his way into the team. Heosu's initial bad faith feelings of annoyance towards him were erased pretty quickly, partly because the team had moved on from the teasing for the most part. Heosu thought that was because he had started giving anyone who even mentioned height his patented death stare.
The other part was due to Geonbu being a pretty good teammate. He was clearly great at the game and he always had good points to make during practice. Sure he didn’t talk much, but that gave him a certain quiet charm. Plus, he and Heosu worked pretty well together.
It made Heosu embarrassed now to think about how annoyed he’d been over something as trivial as Geonbu’s height.
There was one thing that was a bit weird though. Geonbu tended not to call him hyung. He had started using the term with the rest of their teammates, but the midlaner was the only one left out. Heosu didn't really know why that was, but he decided they were close enough in age not to make a big deal out of it. Especially because Geonbu tended to just call him Showmaker anyway.
At least, it wasn’t an issue until the rest of the team noticed Geonbu’s habit.
"Hey Geonbu, why don't you call Heosu hyung? Do you not respect your seniors?" Nuclear asked while they were in the practice room. Heosu could feel a headache forming the second this topic was brought up.
"He calls everyone else hyung though," Beryl pitched in.
Geonbu shrugged. "Showmakers my hyung. It's just…" he made a vague gesture with his hands, then nodded. "That's how it is."
The two gossips laughed. "So Heosu’s your hyung, you just don't call him hyung?"
"Yeah," Geonbu said, like it made perfect sense.
"Just cause?" Beryl asked.
Geonbu gave an affirmative, "Mmh."
"Are you just going to let him do that Heosu?" Nuclear leaned back in his chair to look at the midlaner. It would seem he was going to be dragged into this conversation whether he liked it or not.
"Geonbu can do what he wants, he won't stop if I ask him to anyway," Heosu said, not even bothering to look away from his monitor.
He thought that would put an end to the conversation but his stupid teammates carried on. He tried to ignore them until Nuclear said, "Maybe Heosu's too short to be a hyung."
The audacity.
Heosu could just yell at them and complain but that would just make the teasing worse. And pointing out that they were living in glass houses would probably end badly too. So instead Heosu sent them the coldest glare he possibly could. They ended up stopping.
Heosu tried to get back to practicing but his mood had been sufficiently thrown off. It was dumb to get hung up on something like this, but the comment just got under Heosu’s skin. Maybe if he thought of it as mental training it would help.
After the beginnings of what looked to be a loss streak, Heosu sighed and ruffled his hair in frustration. Looking away from the offending defeat screen, Heosu found that he and Geonbu were the only ones left in the practice room, a rare occurrence. Deciding to take a break, Heosu got up and leaned on Geonbus' chair. He watched as the jungler got a triple kill, leading his team to the enemy base.
As the nexus exploded, Geonbu turned around in his chair and looked up at Heosu. He looked like he was thinking about something, his expression serious. Heosu had never seen Geonbu with that type of look on his face and it made him somewhat concerned. "What?" he asked.
"I can call you hyung if you want me to," Geonbu let out, his voice just as stoic as his face.
It was something so unexpected Heosu couldn't help but burst out laughing. The sudden attack of giggles left him breathless, gripping onto Geonbu's chair. All the while Geonbu maintained his earnest expression, now tinged with a bit of confusion.
When Heosu finally recovered he coughed and shook his head, a smile on his face. "Don't worry about it Geonbu, it doesn't bother me that much. Those idiots are the ones that were annoying me." Geonbu didn't look fully convinced, his face scrunched up a bit with dissatisfaction. It made Heosu start giggling again, before he gave some more placating words about how it was truly fine. Once he got Geonbu to nod his head in understanding, Heosu left the practice room to get some water and a snack.
While chewing on some cookies, Heosu considered it all. He wasn’t sure why it didn't bother him that much not being called hyung, but he had a suspicion that if it wasn't Canyon he wouldn't be so lenient. There was just something about the younger boy's demeanor that made him want to dote on him a little bit. Especially in the moment just now Geonbu had just seemed so cute and endearing with his earnest concern. Even remembering it now, it made Heosu giggle.
Heosu had been wrong. Geonbu wasn't some cute innocent polar bear that still respected him but just didn't show it. No, he had been blind to Geonbu's true evil nature. Heosu had never felt so betrayed in his life.
Before the betrayal took place, the mid and jungle had been getting closer, gradually becoming more like a duo. This meant that Heosu began to see more of Geonbu's playful side. He would tease Heosu more often, sometimes lightly prodding or annoying him. But it came off as cute rather than irritating. Plus Heosu would do the same thing to Geonbu, so the teasing wasn’t one sided.
Then the incident happened.
Along with some other habits they had begun to form, sharing (and stealing) food from each other had become quite common. Sometimes there’d be complaints (mostly from Heosu) but they were always just for the sake of it. The most common snack they’d share was chips. It was just so easy when one of them had a bag sitting by his computer to reach over and take a couple.
So when Heosu sat down one day and saw some chips on Geonbu's desk, he naturally reached over to take some. He wasn't expecting the light swat delivered from the jungler and a quick, "No."
Heosu was taken aback and felt a little bit like a cat that just got scolded for knocking something over. Which was kind of embarrassing to be honest. "Come on, just one Geonbu," Heosu appealed.
Geonbu looked unimpressed. "It's never just one."
Heosu feigned offense, "You don't trust me? I thought we were a team!" He was basically pouting now, playing it up in a way he usually reserved for when he streamed. Heosu couldn’t help it though, it was fun trying to annoy Geonbu.
"We are a team," Geonbu replied calmly. But he then proceeded to move the chip bag to the opposite side of the desk, further away from Heosu. Well okay, that just felt like a challenge.
So Heosu quickly reached past Geonbu towards the chips, attempting to steal the bag. In response Geonbu grabbed the bag and stood up, trying to block the thief with his body.
At this point they were causing quite the scene in front of the others in the room. It probably looked very silly to see Geonbu protecting a bag of chips with his whole body (while desperately trying not to crush them) as Heosu practically gave him a back hug.
Just as Heosu thought he might have a grip on the bag, it happened. The killing blow.
Geonbu lifted the bag above his head.
Heosu was stunned. He hadn't foreseen this, never could've imagined such a hard counter existed.
When Heosu snapped out of it, he tried jumping once or twice but found it wasn't very effective. His hands could barely reach, even while trying to use Geonbu’s shoulders to lift himself higher. He made a noise of frustration before the sound of snickers made him remember exactly where they were. Heosu felt a rush of embarrassment as he felt the gaze of their teammates watching them from the corner of their eyes.
Heosu quickly turned away from Geonbu and dropped into his seat. He refused to look at the rest of the room as he opened the League client, his face burning.
So it seemed Heosu and Geonbu were now enemies. It was regrettable having to fight someone he saw as a friend, but it had to be done. And while he had lost this time, this was just the beginning. Geonbu could take this win, Heosu had strategies to beat him in the end.
—
So Heosu ended up giving Geonbu the silent treatment for the rest of the week. That is, outside of the game. He was petty, but not petty enough to sabotage his own team. Besides, was it really that petty? That had been embarrassing as hell! Heosu was extremely lucky it hadn't started up the short jokes again.
Unfortunately, Heosu quickly found his strategy wasn't that good of a punishment. Geonbu didn't talk much anyway so the words they exchanged daily had barely gone down at all. Heosu felt a bit upset that his counterattack was likely a failure.
Not only had his strategy not affected Geonbu at all, it was backfiring onto Heosu. He didn’t like not talking to Geonbu. He missed their back and forths between games, the small jokes they’d share. And maybe he was projecting those feelings onto Geonbu because the other boy just looked so lonely.
So Heosu decided to be the bigger man, admit his defeat and concede that Geonbu had won. Heosu had to say, being able to beat him by doing absolutely nothing at all was pretty impressive on Geonbu’s part.
Heosu wanted to minimize any awkwardness from this event as much as possible. So he made sure to get to the practice room before Geonbu so that as soon as the jungler sat down he could turn to him and say:
"Hey, let's duo today." Perfect execution.
The jungler had a surprised look on his face but it quickly formed into something like relief. Or maybe just plain happiness. "Okay."
While waiting for the aforementioned duo que, Geonbu got up and left the room for a moment. When he came back he had a bag of chips with him, the same kind from the other day.
To Heosu’s surprise the bag ended up on his desk. “They’re good,” Geonbu said simply.
Heosu wasn’t sure if this was some weird form of apology or reconciliation. Whether or not it was, Heosu would be lying if he didn’t say he was a little bit touched by the small gesture.
While the two had settled into a comfortable friendship, their relationship was never very deep. The two of them were private people, not big on showing strong emotions around others too much. Heosu never expected them to go beyond teammates that liked to tease each other.
That changed when Worlds 2019 happened. When they were knocked out in quarter finals.
It's a struggle that all players have to face, that feeling of defeat. The disappointment that couldn’t be fixed until a whole year had passed, if at all. That feeling less hit Heosu then it more so crept through his veins. A swelling realization that they had failed. That he had failed.
After the match he managed to slip away for a few minutes with the excuse of using the bathroom. He needed to get away from the oppressive atmosphere around his team. He didn’t go far, just found a small dead-end hallway with no people in it. Leaning against the wall he slid down to the floor, burying his head in his arms.
He tried to focus on his breathing, pulling air in and pushing it out. He could feel tears wanting to fall and a choked up feeling in his throat. Heosu knew that if he didn’t get this short moment, the feeling would continue to get worse. It would swallow him whole if he didn’t get a breath above the water before sinking.
Heosu didn’t know how long he was like that before he heard shoes approaching him, stopping in front of him. He made sure his face was dry before he lifted his head out of his arms. He looked up and there was Geonbu.
“Did they send you to get me?” Heosu asked. He was a bit annoyed that his alone time was cut off, but he knew he couldn’t stay like this forever. Geonbu nodded, still standing over him. Like this, the jungler almost seemed to tower over Heosu, making him feel much too small. If Geonbu was meant to be comforting him, he was doing a shit job.
Heosu sighed and started to get up when Geonbu suddenly broke the silence. “We’re going to win next year,” he said. Considering they just lost, it was quite the bold statement. It made Heosu scoff and look up at his jungler.
Geonbu’s face showed that he was certain. This wasn’t some half-assed attempt at consolation, a ‘we’ll get them next time’. It was a statement, backed by the determination in his eyes.
In that moment, Geonbu reminded Heosu of a flame, one that refused to go out. One that knew it was meant to burn brighter. And it was crazy, but Heosu knew he was meant to too.
Heosu’s own determination was reignited in that moment. He’d been scared it’d die out under the waves of disappointment but there it was. He’d realized, in that moment, that he and Geonbu felt the same. Showmaker and Canyon felt the same.
He didn’t voice any of those feelings, instead just standing up and meeting Geonbu’s gaze. “Of course.”
They kept their promise. They made what was a truth to them a fact: Damwon Gaming won worlds in 2020.
The lights were shining and Heosu had never felt so much adrenaline before. It felt like he could run up a mountain if he wanted to. It felt like he just did.
Having his teammates with him heightened that feeling. Each smiling face he met filled him with happiness. He recognized the lines of delight on their faces, reflected on his own. It was like all of them were feeling the same things: joy, triumph, relief. When they hugged, Heosu could almost swear that he felt electricity wherever he was touched.
Heosu doesn’t think he could ever forget what he felt and saw when he lifted the Summoner's Cup. If he lost all his other memories it would be the only one that remained. The world he saw seemed brighter than it ever had before.
He couldn’t really tell what made his heart beat so fast in that moment. Maybe it was the bright lights or the metal trophy reflecting them. Perhaps it was the faces of his teammates sharing the exact same smile he could feel on his face.
Or maybe it was that one particular face, with eyes that still held the flame from that day now a rampaging blaze. A fire that made Heosu look up like a sunflower to the sun. He hoped that Canyon saw the exact same thing in Showmaker, that the same fire was in him. Because he knew that looking at Geonbu’s smiling face now made Heosu’s heart race faster than it even had back on the ground backstage a year ago
Maybe it was all of those things combined that carved their way into Heosu’s bones that night, making themselves a part of him.
After they won worlds a lot of things changed. Teammates left, they had new dorm rooms, upgraded salaries.
With all the changes it was a bit overwhelming, but Heosu could handle it. He’d just won Worlds, he had never felt so confident in his team. Plus, there were still some things that stayed the same, like the rest of his teammates. That little bit of comforting familiarity helped ground Heosu.
Somehow, Geonbu had become one of those biggest sources of comfort. Before Worlds, the two certainly spent a lot of time together but most of that was while playing League. Beyond sometimes eating together they didn’t hangout very much. But that had changed, just like everything else. Now they’d sometimes watch shows or Youtube together, discuss webcomics, or go out to eat.
Heosu found spending time with Geonbu very easy, comfortable in a way. It even felt like their synergy was getting better the more time they spent together. Although, winning Worlds together might’ve also played a part in that. Heosu might be getting a little ahead of himself. Maybe he needed to humble himself a little bit. Or spend more time bonding with his other teammates. But he was happy and their team was doing good, so who cares.
—
One night, Heosu and Geonbu had both been practicing late. Heosu had been on a losing streak and based on the increased number of sighs coming from Geonbu, he was too. While Heosu didn’t like to end on a loss, he couldn’t see an end in sight. So he decided to console himself with food.
Heosu was able to convince Geonbu to join him and make it into one of their rare late night snack runs. And so they set off, walking to a nearby convenience store. The plan was initially to just get some snacks but Heosu was able to convince Geonbu that ramyeon would be too good to pass up.
Once their bellies were filled, they started their walk back. The wind had picked up while they were eating, making it much colder than when they first left the base. Heosu started to shiver, regretting that he forgot to bring a coat. Now he only had his long sleeve shirt to protect him.
Suddenly, a light weight was thrown onto Heosu. The mid laner jumped, turning his head to the side. The coat Geonbu had just been wearing was now hanging off of Heosu’s shoulders.
What was going on? Heosu hadn't even complained about the cold and yet Geonbu just gave him his coat? Geonbu didn’t even have a jacket on, hell he was wearing short sleeves! Heosu sent the taller boy a confused look. “What is this?”
Geonbu started walking away, not looking back. “I’m not cold,” he responded, which was surely not true.
“You’re lying!” Heosu started following after him, feeling very disgruntled by this out of nowhere coat attack. He felt like he just got ganked under his tower.
“I’m not,” Geonbu insisted, walking faster. His face and ears looked pink, probably from the cold.
God he was annoying. Heosu didn’t need his coat! Sure, he had put it on now, but that was because he didn’t want to carry it. It didn’t even fit him, so big that it covered his hands completely.
Noticing the size difference made Heosu feel flustered. In revenge, he started chasing Geonbu back to the dorm. Their impromptu run was probably what helped Heosu ignore the way his heartbeat had picked up in that moment.
Geonbu was currently sitting on Heosu’s bed.
That wasn’t really a rare occurrence nowadays, ever since his room had apparently become the hottest new tourist destination in their dorm. It seemed like everyone in their team had taken up a new hobby of invading Heosu’s personal space and bugging him to death. It felt like everyday Heosu had to yell at someone to get out of his room. He didn’t know what they found so appealing about the place, what mysterious force was drawing them there. The best theory Heosu could come up with was that it was an act of spite.
Geonbu was the only one Heosu tolerated being in there. He stayed quiet most of the time and took up a small part of the bed, just messing around on his phone. He would sometimes even lay on the floor instead, although he hadn’t done that since the time Heosu nearly tripped over him. Heosu still didn’t know why Geonbu didn’t just go to his own room, but at least he wasn’t loud like Ghost or Beryl. Even when he was stressed and in his ‘annoy all hyungs to death’ mode, Heosu could mostly handle him. Emphasis on mostly.
Today Heosu had been winding down from practice and had ended up watching some old stream VODs. Usually Heosu would avoid anything league related when taking a break, but this was different. He wasn’t reviewing his own gameplay, he was watching Canyon’s.
He wasn’t analyzing him, rather he was just enjoying the jungler’s gameplay. There was just something about the way he played that had taken up a place in Showmaker’s brain and wouldn’t leave. He wanted to understand Canyon’s thought process. What made him go here? What was he thinking when he made this play? Watching Geonbu play made Heosu impressed, proud he was his teammate. Happy he could call Canyon his jungler.
While lost in thought, Heosu’s door suddenly opened. Speak of the devil . Geonbu walked in and without a word made himself comfortable on the end of the bed. Heosu let out a groan.
“Literally what is so appealing about my room to you guys?” Heosu asked half heartedly. He quickly turned off the VOD because it would be a bit embarrassing trying to explain to Geonbu why he was watching one of his streams.
Geonbu didn't look up from his phone and just shrugged. “Not sure. It's just nice.”
“It's the same as all the other rooms,” Heosu argued.
“It's different,” Geonbu insisted.
It wasn’t really an answer but Heosu was too tired to argue with Geonbu right now. He guessed it didn't really matter anyway.
—
Heosu had been watching cat videos for a while when he realized Geonbu hadn’t made much noise recently. Sure he didn’t make much noise anyway but there would always be a signature Geonbu sigh or a cough once in a while. Heosu looked over, and sure enough, Geonbu had fallen asleep.
Geonbu was quiet even when he slept, but the difference was that he looked a lot less focused and a lot more cute. Heosu thought the polar bear nickname seemed a bit too accurate in moments like these. He looked so round and soft, like he could sprout bear ears out of his head and they wouldn't be out of place. Heosu laughed softly at the mental image of that happening.
Despite his serene appearance Geonbu was sleeping sitting up, which meant his back would probably hurt afterwards. Back pain was never good to have when you needed to sit down for hours the next day. Heosu cringed just thinking about it.
I should probably wake him up. God this will be annoying. While Heosu was just grumpy when he was tired, Geonbu seemingly shut some of his systems down. He could somehow still play League, but all other functions not necessary for survival were turned off. That included following directions, which made it particularly difficult to wake him up.
Preparing himself mentally, Heosu nudged Geonbu lightly with his foot through the blanket. It predictably didn't do much, so Heosu reached over and tapped his hand. Geonbu’s eyes slowly opened, staring off at nothing. Before immediately closing again.
“Geonbu!” Heosu complained, desperately shaking his jungler’s arm. “Your back is going to hurt if you sleep like that.”
Upon realizing it was no use, Heosu groaned and got out of bed. He grabbed both of Geonbu’s arms and started trying to drag him off of the bed. He couldn’t really move the larger boy much but it got his message across. Geonbu had now opened his eyes (slightly), was grumbling in discontent and was close to face planting into the blankets. Heosu felt more than ever that he was handling a giant sleepy bear.
After Geonbu had effectively rolled off the bed under Heosu’s prodding, the next step was getting him out the door. Heosu grabbed Geonbu’s shoulders and pushed him into the hallway, ignoring the sad noises he made. “Go to bed. In your own room!” Heosu said before watching his tired teammate make the short trek down the hall.
Before he closed the door, he heard Geonbu mumble what Heosu assumed was good night. Heosu smiled slightly and let out a huff of amusement. While Geonbu could certainly be annoying while sleepy, he was also kind of cute.
Before turning off the lights, Heosu scanned his room to make sure Geonbu hadn’t left anything. It was then his eye caught something in the corner. Geonbu’s coat. He hadn’t returned it that night when they got ramyeon. Even though it had been a week or maybe two since then, Geonbu hadn’t asked for it back yet. He hadn’t even just stolen it back even though it was in plain sight.
I should probably return it, Heosu thought as he flipped the lights off.
Yawning, Heosu tried to get comfortable under the covers again, only a little residual warmth left. His struggle with Geonbu had made him realize just how tired he was. He could already feel his mind starting to drift from thought to thought.
Even though it was dark in the room, Heosu still stared over at the corner where the coat was. As his eyelids started to get heavy, he remembered how big the coat had been on him. It had been very warm obviously, but its size somehow made it feel even comfier.
He kind of wanted to wear it again weirdly. He wondered if some of Geonbu’s other jackets would be as comfy as his coat. They would definitely be big, after all Geonbu tended to get oversized clothes, preferring looser fits. Not just his jackets, his shirts would probably be big on Heosu too. Most of Geonbu’s clothes would be like extra oversized on Heosu. Probably.
Thinking about it, Geonbu was just too tall. Too big in comparison to Heosu, made him feel too small sometimes. Heosu didn’t hate it though. He thought he did when they first met. He still pretended like it bugged him, but it didn’t really.
It made Heosu think about how he had just nudged Geonbu’s hand. The size difference was definitely there. He wondered exactly how small his hands would look if they held them up against each other. What if they interlocked their fingers? Held hands… Wouldn’t that be kind of nice…?
What…?
Heosu’s eyes widened as he was effectively jumped out of his sleepy state of mind. His gaze had shifted to his hands, which were resting to the side of his pillow. Heosu had to force himself to start breathing deeply, trying to calm down.
There was no way. He was just tired right? There was no way he had just… thought those things. He continued to stare at his hands as he collected his thoughts. But then his eyes drifted over to the corner again and he remembered Geonbu putting his coat on him, his face slightly flushed from the cold.
And his heart skipped a beat.
Heosu let out the breath he was holding. “Shit.”
Heosu had a crush on his teammate.
—
Heosu proceeded to spend the whole night with his thoughts racing.
He had tried to be in denial a little bit at first, but it didn't work very well so he quickly moved on to more productive things.
How long have I liked him? If it was a simple crush he got from the damn coat he could handle that, it would probably go away soon. But after some review, that did not seem to be the case.
All the times Heosu thought about how cute Geonbu looked or how amazing he was on the rift. How often he’d think about what a good duo they were…
And he couldn’t even remember when it had started! It had probably been a few months at least. Maybe sometime after finals. Fuck I’m dense… Heosu kind of wanted to scream into his pillow.
The issue wasn't necessarily that Heosu liked Geonbu, it was that Geonbu was his teammate. And it was pretty well known that bringing complicated emotions into the team was an incredibly bad idea. In Heosu and Geonbu’s case their synergy especially mattered. Bringing a dumb crush into that was just an unnecessary risk.
What if Geonbu finds out and feels awkward? Or starts hating me? And then Heosu would lose his friend and be heartbroken. And then the whole team would start falling apart because they couldn’t work together anymore. While it was a bit dramatic, the thought put a knot in Heosu’s stomach. There was no way he would let internal issues impact his team. And he certainly wouldn’t be the cause of them.
So something had to be done. He needed to make a plan. Unfortunately he couldn’t come up with much beyond…
—
Ignore it. Heosu reminded himself as he showed up to practice the next day looking half dead. He had gotten up late, skipped breakfast and obviously didn't get much sleep.
As he sat down in his chair, he was hyper aware of Geonbu’s presence next to him. After he logged into League he couldn’t help but look over at Geonbu, pretending to watch the game he was in. He was just playing solo queue, like he always did at this time. Nothing had changed, Geonbu was still Geonbu. So Heosu should still act like Heosu.
To facilitate that, Heosu stole a chip from a bag that was open on Geonbu’s desk. The jungler didn’t make a fuss, too focused on currently stealing the baron. As he chewed on the chip, Heosu felt a bit of his anxiety melt away. This was something the two of them did almost everyday and it felt like a comforting routine. Especially when Heosu felt way too uncertain of his actions right now.
While waiting in queue for a game to pop up, Heosu got on his phone to distract himself. A few minutes later, he felt something nudge his arm and he looked up only to find Geonbu staring at him.
“What?” Heosu asked. Geonbu gestured to Heosu’s desk and turned back to his own screen. Heosu hadn’t expected the bag of chips to have moved to his desk. He grabbed the bag, taking a few chips out. “Aren’t these yours?” he asked.
Geonbu shrugged, “You didn’t eat breakfast.” Then he just turned back to his monitor.
As if he didn’t just make Heosu’s stupid heart skip a beat over something as dumb as a bag of chips. They weren’t even that good as a breakfast option. But it wasn’t really about that. It was that Geonbu had noticed Heosu hadn’t eaten.
Heosu stared at his screen as he tried to restart his brain, jumping when he finally got matched into a game. He put a hand over his face and took some deep breaths. God he hoped he wasn’t blushing.
—
So it seemed that ‘ignoring it’ was easier said than done. That plan had effectively sunk the second it got out to sea. The issue was that once Heosu became aware of his crush, all the parts in his life related to Geonbu had shifted. The bag of chips was just the beginning. Heosu came to find over the next few days that he had now opened the floodgates for one too many embarrassing thoughts.
Looking over while Geonbu was practicing and thinking he looked cute was nothing new, it had been normal for Heosu, he was used to it. Except now a new descriptor had joined it. Handsome. Heosu had to stop paying attention to Geonbu’s games to save himself from small moments of panic throughout the day.
One night Geonbu came into Heosu’s room to hangout. It was normal, the two of them doing their own thing in quiet companionship. Until the tired Heosu thought about how nice hugging Geonbu would be. He had to start pretending to go to sleep earlier after that.
Another time, they were eating dinner together and Geonbu passed some of his extra food to Heosu. When he looked up to say thanks his eyes caught Geonbu’s lips. They’re probably really soft, his brain unhelpfully supplied. Heosu had to quickly leave the room with the excuse of using the bathroom.
The constant attacks on Heosu’s emotional state were getting tiring. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep going like this. To get a moment to sort himself out Heosu went on a walk, telling his team he was trying to be healthier.
Walking aimlessly, Heosu started trying to organize his thoughts. He had never experienced feelings to this extent before and he didn’t know why. He had had crushes in the past, but they never felt like this and they hadn’t lasted as long. What was so different about Geonbu that made him into an embarrassed mess every time he talked to him?
Maybe it’s because we live together, Heosu thought absent mindedly, sitting down on a bench he had come across. As he tapped his feet, the sound of a meow made him look to the side. A stray black cat sat a few feet away, staring at him. “Hi!” Heosu whispered as he stretched out his hand for it to sniff. He giggled as it started rubbing up against his leg and gave it a few pets.
“I think Geonbu would like you,” Heosu said quietly as he scratched the cat’s back.
Without others around, Heosu allowed his feelings to gradually unwind. Heosu wanted to do things like this with Geonbu, going on walks and petting cats. He wanted to hold hands, hug, and even kiss. He wanted to mean something to Geonbu, to be more than friends.
Heosu didn’t just have a crush on Geonbu, he truly liked him. He just felt too nervous. More than that, he was scared. Heosu had never dated anyone, despite being 20. He hadn’t even confessed to someone before. Because of that, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with all these emotions. He especially didn’t know how to handle them around Geonbu. Because he cared about him. More than anything else, he didn’t want to hurt his relationship with Geonbu. Heosu was scared that even one mistake could mess everything up.
There’s really not much I can do. With a sigh, Heosu gave a final pat to his new friend and started making his way back to the dorm. But when he got to his room he kind of wished he had slept on the bench and stayed there till morning.
When he opened the door, he found Geonbu sitting on the edge of his bed. Hearing the door open, Geonbu quickly looked up at the frozen Heosu in the doorway. There was silence for a moment, as it seemed neither knew what to say. Heosu’s heart started pumping as anxiety began to drive his brain to the worst places. What if he knows?
The silence lasted for a bit longer before Geonbu broke it. “Um, Heosu. Did I do something wrong?” His voice was hesitant, like he wasn’t sure he should be asking.
Heosu’s mild panic was broken for a second, his brow furrowing in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Geonbu looked down at the floor, thinking of what to say. “It just feels like you’ve been awkward around me lately. Or sometimes like you’re avoiding me. I want to say sorry if I did something wrong.”
Heosu felt a rush of regret hearing Geonbu’s unsure voice. “No Geonbu you didn’t do anything! It’s just-” Heosu really didn’t know how to explain things. He realized that he was still standing in the doorway so he closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed.
Silence returned as Heosu tried to think of what to say, playing with his fingers as he did so. He should’ve known that his behavior would be noticed and would look weird to the rest of the team, especially Geonbu. Heosu had been too wrapped up in his own head to think about what it would look like to the others. But he couldn’t tell Geonbu the truth.
“I’m sorry Geonbu, I’ve been really stressed out recently. I didn’t think about how it might come across. You haven’t done anything.” He looked over at Geonbu’s face, only to find him looking back.
Geonbu shook his head. “I get it, you don’t need to apologize. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t do something.”
“Don’t worry, I think it would be pretty hard to make me hate you,” Heosu said, a small smile on his face. To try and lift the atmosphere, he added, “And if you somehow did, I think you’d know. You’ve seen how I get when I'm mad at the others.”
The comment made Geonbu laugh, some of the tension leaving his shoulders. The awkward atmosphere started to soften around them. “Yeah, you can be annoying.”
Heosu lightly kicked Geonbu's leg. “Says you. I'm not the one who sits on people when I'm stressed out,” Heosu shot back, indignant. That just made Geonbu smirk, like he was proud of his past crimes.
The two continued teasing each other before naturally transitioning into talking about how scrims had been going. It was the first real conversation Heosu had had with Geonbu in a bit and it felt nice. It was comforting being able to go back to their normal routine, not having to be so on edge all the time.
While they were talking Geonbu suddenly paused, looking at something in the corner of the room. Heosu followed his gaze and immediately felt embarrassed. He quickly got up and grabbed Geonbu's coat from the corner.
“Sorry, I forgot to give it back,” Heosu mumbled as he bundled up the coat and dropped it in Geonbu's arms.
Geonbu shook his head. “Mm, it's okay.” His face looked thoughtful, before he slowly asked, “Did you wear it?”
“What?”
“Like after that night,” Geonbu elaborated.
“No! I'm not some kind thief. It's just been sitting in the corner,” Heosu said, defensive. Heosu wouldn't mention that he had certainly thought about wearing it again.
“Ah.” Geonbu just nodded his head before looking down at the coat. His face was hard to read, Heosu wished he could tell what he was thinking.
They talked for just a little longer before Geonbu left, saying goodnight. Heosu told him he'd see him tomorrow. And he was truly looking forward to seeing Geonbu in the morning. It finally felt like Heosu could relax again, finally out of his own head.
After that night, things went back to normal. Heosu still liked Geonbu, he couldn't just make those feelings go away. But he had come to accept them, almost appreciate them. They helped him notice more things about his teammate he hadn’t before. Like how calm Geonbu was when they were struggling, someone the team could rely on. Or his neverending passion for the game that never seemed to burnout. There were small things as well, like the way his laugh made Heosu’s heart flutter. Heosu found himself doing all sorts of things so he could hear it.
Heosu had accepted that Geonbu could probably never like him in the same way. It was a little sad to realize, but it was also a bit comforting in a bittersweet way. He didn’t need to worry about relationships or dating because it was impossible anyway. And Heosu was fine with that, content just being friends with Geonbu.
—
There was one time though, where Heosu doubted himself a bit.
They were once again doing a convenience store snack run, this time for Heosu’s favorite ice cream. It was summer now, so this was a very important task. Without it Heosu would probably melt into a puddle on the practice room floor. Needing an accomplice, he had been able to bribe Geonbu into going with him by promising he’d share some with him.
After successfully purchasing the ice cream, Heosu led their way back. When they turned at an unfamiliar corner, Geonbu paused. “Isn’t this the wrong way?”
“I have something I want to show you. It’s not far,” Heosu explained. He didn’t stop walking, knowing Geonbu would follow him.
Just a couple minutes later, they arrived at their destination: an unassuming bench. Heosu sat down, pulling a can of cat food out of the shopping bag. Geonbu gave the can a quizzical look, but didn’t say anything.
Heosu started tapping on the lid, hoping his fluffy friend was around today. It had become a habit for Heosu to visit this bench whenever he went to the convenience store now. The cat wouldn’t always show up, but no matter what he’d leave food for it. He was lucky this time, as soon after he opened the lid of the can, the black cat showed up.
“Hello~” Heosu said happily as the cat started munching on its food. He crouched down and carefully patted its back. Looking back up at Geonbu, Heosu smiled. “This is my new friend Geonbu. Introduce yourselves,” he requested.
Geonbu joined him crouching on the ground. “Hello, nice to meet you,” he said, slightly nodding his head to the cat. Heosu giggled at the overly formal greeting. Geonbu looked over at him, tilting his head. “What’s its name?” he asked.
Heosu frowned, gazing down at his friend. “I don’t know. I think it’s a stray since it doesn’t have a collar. But I haven’t come up with anything to call it yet.” Geonbu hummed in understanding, his face contemplative.
At that point, their yet to be named friend finished its meal and stretched. It made its way over to them and began rubbing against their legs. As Heosu scratched its head, it flopped onto its side and began to purr. A smile spread across his face, laughter unconsciously coming out.
“You should pet it, Geonbu,” Heosu said, lifting his head only to find the other boy staring at him. His heart skipped a beat when he met Geonbu’s gaze, but he didn’t let it get to him. “What is it?” Heosu asked, shifting his feet to readjust himself.
Geonbu broke eye contact, shifting his focus to the ground. “It’s just… cute,” he mumbled.
“Yeah, so you should pet it,” Heosu reasoned. Geonbu seemed to agree, as he followed Heosu’s instructions and started stroking the cat.
Heosu smiled at the cute scene. “Do you have any ideas for a name?” he asked.
“Meonji,” Geonbu decided after some deliberation.
Heosu laughed, bringing his hand up to cover his face while he did. “Meonji? Why?”
“It looks like a ball of dust,” Geonbu said.
Looking at the cat's fluffy black fur, Heosu would have to agree. He nodded his head, “Meonji it is then.”
Geonbu looked happy that his idea was approved of. He patted the cat's head, as if christening it with its new name. Suddenly, a look of recognition appeared on Geonbu’s face. He started looking back and forth between Heosu and the newly named Meonji, before suddenly letting out a laugh. His smile was wide, to the point even his eyes looked like they were smiling.
Heosu found this behavior highly suspicious from Geonbu. It felt like he was being left out of some kind of inside joke. “What? What’s so funny?”
“He looks like you when you just wake up,” Geonbu said, pointing to the way Meonji’s fur was poofed up on its head.
“Hey!” Heosu shouted indignantly. He lightly shoved Geonbu, a frown on his face. Geonbu didn’t look even a little bit sorry, his face filled with amusement. He even reached over, trying to ruffle Heosu’s hair to prove his point. Heosu was forced to defend himself, bringing his arms up to protect his hair. When that didn’t work, he went on the offensive, trying to return the favor to Geonbu. They carried on like that until both of their heads looked like they just rolled out of bed.
As Heosu attempted to fix his hair in his phone's camera, he couldn’t help but laugh at himself. Why did he have to have a crush on such an annoying person? The worst part was that he wasn’t even mad at Geonbu, too smitten with that smiling face.
Once his hair was smoothed to the best of his ability, Heosu grabbed the shopping bag, deciding it was probably time to head back. They said their goodbyes to Meonji (who miraculously wasn’t scared away by their tussle), promising to visit again. Then they started walking back in a comfortable silence.
It was in that quiet moment that Heosu remembered he had once imagined doing this with Geonbu; going on walks and petting cats. He realized how much he wished this was a date. His eyes couldn’t help but drift down to Geonbu’s hands, swaying so close to his own. Heosu really wanted to hold them… His grip tightened on the shopping bag, a sour feeling running through him.
Later that night, Heosu lay in bed staring at the ceiling. God I’m pathetic. Just be satisfied, he told himself. Geonbu was a good teammate and a great friend. It was selfish to want more from him. Heosu was fine where he was. He had to be. That was just how it was.
The night they won Summer Finals the whole team went out and drank together. The electricity from the win and the flowing alcohol kept them up late into the night. Heosu felt like his whole body was enveloped in warmth with the summer atmosphere and the laughing voices of his teammates surrounding him. He could feel all the stress and burnout from the year leaving his body, floating into the clouds.
At some indiscernible time the team finally made it back to the dorm. Heosu was one of the ones barely able to walk, having gone a little past his limit in the excitement of it all. He probably would’ve fallen asleep on the couch if not for one of his teammates lifting him up and pressing him against their side. Slowly lifting his head, the barely lucid Heosu found that Geonbu seemed to be the one assigned to get him to bed.
“You shouldn’t drink so much,” Geonbu scolded as he readjusted Heosu’s arm behind his neck.
“But we won,” Heosu mumbled, his words a bit slurred.
Geonbu let out a small laugh. “Yeah.” He shuffled them into Heosu’s room before slowly lowering him onto his bed. Heosu lay there as Geonbu tried moving the blankets around to cover him. Geonbu’s movements seemed so slow and careful, as if he was scared to move his smaller teammate too much. Heosu snorted at the uncharacteristic behavior.
As the dim light from the hallway spilled into the dark room, Heosu found his mind filled with thoughts of Worlds. How today was just a step towards winning again. Turning his gaze to Geonbu, Heosu swore he could see flashes of memories from that day. With the light behind him, Geonbu looked just like he had holding the Summoners Cup.
“I want to win with you again,” Heosu said, his speech slow. Geonbu paused, glancing down at him. “Worlds,” Heosu clarified.
“Mm,” Geonbu hummed, appeasing. He reached over, taking the glasses off of Heosu’s face and placing them somewhere near the bed. As his world turned into a blur, Heosu tried to refocus his eyes so he could still see Geonbu’s face. As Geonbu started to move away from the bed, Heosu reached out and grabbed his wrist.
“We’re going to win worlds again,” Heosu repeated, trying to sound more confident this time. He wasn’t saying this because he was drunk, he was saying it because it was true. Just like last time. They were going to win no matter what. He'd make sure of it.
After a moment of silence, Geonbu grabbed Heosu’s hand. He carefully pulled it away from his wrist before wrapping both his hands around it, squeezing gently. “I know. We’re going to.”
Heosu stared at their hands, feeling his heart softly thumping in his chest. “Mm,” he agreed, at a loss for words. They stayed like that for a little bit, although his alcohol addled brain couldn’t know for sure exactly how long.
Eventually, with his brain still trapped in a haze and his vision blurry, Heosu watched Geonbu quietly slip away from him. “Good night,” he said as he closed the door.
“Good night,” Heosu mumbled to the open air. Holding his hand close to his chest, he let dreams of their past and future wins play in his head. The Summoners Cup shining under bright lights, his team shouting in excitement. Geonbu’s smiling face as they hugged each other, soon to be a pair of back to back winners. The soft warmth all around him soon lulled him to sleep.
They lost.
They had lost before, plenty of times. Heosu had experienced the frustration of dropping out in quarters of worlds. He had even come second place before, felt that regret at MSI. But Worlds was supposed to be different.
Being so damn close to winning, like he was about to reach the top of a mountain only to fall… He couldn’t even really comprehend it.
Heosu felt an emptiness as he stared at the defeat screen. It wasn't like winning, the rush of emotions and adrenaline filling you until it overflowed. It felt like nothing as he stared at EDG across from them, radiating elation as they hugged each other. As he left the stage, sat at the press conference and went back to the hotel, that absence remained.
His heart hadn’t accepted it yet, that they’d lost. And it never really did until they were back in Korea. When his parents called and told him he did his best. When his friends texted him saying he would win next year, ‘after all he was the best’.
That was when the emptiness was replaced by anger. Anger at himself, for not doing his best this time . For the sick feeling of regret every time he thought about the mistakes he made. That he just let some other team take what he wanted. But Heosu could handle anger. He could use it, make himself take revenge and come back stronger.
Then his teammates left.
Heosu didn’t ask them why, he already understood. It was expected, most teams don't stay the same forever. He had already experienced it with Nuguri. Even if it was more than half the team this time. Heosu didn’t need to act selfish for something he understood and had experienced already.
But it broke his anger and left him with some sort of sad helplessness. One he couldn't fix, one he couldn’t use.
He tried practicing, but every loss would make his hands shake. Each mistake felt heavier. He felt lonely, abandoned. But those feelings made him feel even worse, like a spoiled child that didn’t understand how the world worked.
So he looked for distractions, giving himself no time to think. Most of the time it was his phone, binging shows and youtube videos. Blaring music in his headphones to drown out any other thoughts. And sometimes alcohol, enough to numb the sadness that had attached itself to him.
He tried to avoid other people. He didn’t want them to worry about him, pity him.
Despite that, Heosu agreed to drink with Geonbu when he offered. He didn’t know why he agreed. He didn’t know why Geonbu asked, he didn’t like to drink. He could guess though.
They set the cans of beer and snacks up on the floor of Geonbu’s room. Heosu assumed they were in here to get him out of his own room. He guessed it didn’t really matter what room they were in. It was their break right now, so there was no one else in the dorm. Everyone was visiting home, packing up to leave or already gone. Heosu and Geonbu were the only ones that re-signed. The only ones left.
As they started drinking it became very clear that that wasn’t what Geonbu was there for. He only took small sips from his can of beer, his face tensing slightly every time. It was clear he was out of his element and Heosu would’ve laughed at him in any other circumstance. But with the way Geonbu kept staring at him, Heosu really couldn’t laugh.
One part of Heosu felt a bit nervous drinking one on one with his crush. The other part of him was annoyed at his teammate for trying to make him break. Like this was some sort of awkward interrogation. He leveled a heavy look at the boy a few feet away from him. “I know why you’re doing this,” he accused point blank.
Geonbu didn’t react to the accusation beyond setting his can down. “What do you mean?”
Heosu mirrored Geonbu, putting his can down and crossing his arms. “You want to talk about Worlds.”
Geonbu simply shook his head. “No. We don’t need to talk about that if you don’t want to. I just missed you.”
Heosu raised an eyebrow, incredulous. “You missed me? We live together Geonbu.”
“We haven’t talked though.” Geonbu’s stare was locked onto Heosu. It made him feel too seen through, so he took a large drink from his can. He could feel the alcohol beginning to get to him. Usually his anxieties would start drifting away with this floaty feeling but instead they seemed to stick to him. Like Geonbu’s presence was making his emotions too strong to be pushed away.
After a small silence, Heosu responded. “Ah, I’m sorry.” And he truly was. He had avoided talking to anyone recently, including Geonbu.
Geonbu just nodded his head, ending it at that. Heosu knew Geonbu wasn’t good at these kinds of emotional talks. He especially didn’t like instigating them. When Heosu had been avoiding him, it had been the rest of the team that had convinced him to talk to Heosu.
A silence settled over them after that. Geonbu didn't pressure him to say more, just sitting with him. Heosu continued to drink, while Geonbu stayed on his first can.
After a while, they were able to finally start up some conversation about the offseason. Both knew this was just avoiding the obvious, but it was something.
“Beryl hyung got some offers,” Geonbu said. Heosu knew this topic might come up and was already prepared to dodge talking about their own team.
“Ah that’s good,” Heosu responded shortly.
“Yeah.” Geonbu seemed to realize that this was a ‘banned topic’ as he left it at that. Instead, he pulled out his phone looking for something else to talk about. After scrolling for a bit, he passed it to Heosu. “This was in my recommended the other day,” he explained.
Heosu took it only to find a cat video pulled up. His drunk brain was immediately distracted, latching onto the phone.
“I like this channel,” Heosu said.
“I know,” Geonbu replied.
The statement stuck out to Heosu, causing him to glance over at Geonbu. He had moved over to Heosu's side to show him the video, their shoulders almost touching. The proximity started a warmth in Heosu, joining the buzz of the alcohol.
As they watched cat video after cat video, Heosu found himself relaxing. He started telling Geonbu about the channels he’d been watching or other videos he’d seen recently. Geonbu just nodded along, sometimes telling his own stories. It felt good to finally talk to someone again, to truly take his mind off all his worries. To feel a sense of companionship again.
Heosu realized just how much he appreciated Geonbu right now. He tried to cheer him up and shared his space. He didn’t try to make him talk about their loss. Geonbu even knew what YouTube channels Heosu liked. He cared about him.
It sent a dumb thrill of joy though him. Like some middle school kid who's crush just acknowledged they existed. He's my teammate, Heosu reminded himself. It's normal to care about your teammates.
But were his other teammates here? It was a petty thought, they were Heosu’s friends. But they hadn’t stayed. They left, even if they had good reasons. And it hurt a bit, even if Heosu didn’t want to admit it
But Geonbu hadn't left him. He was still with him, right by his side. Close enough to touch him. And so Heosu touched him, grabbing his forearm in a loose hold.
“Geonbu, you’re not going to leave… right?” Heosu knew he sounded weak, knew the alcohol was getting to him. But right now, having Geonbu next to him felt like the most important thing in the world. He looked up at Geonbu, meeting the eyes already staring at him.
“No,” Geonbu said, matching Heosu’s soft tone.
Heosu knew Geonbu wouldn't leave him. He would stay with him, right by his side.
It seemed like the alcohol took some of Heosu’s inhibition, because he found his hand traveling up Geonbu's arm to meet his fingers. He did it slowly, Geonbu’s eyes following his hand the whole time. With some kind of understanding, the two splayed their fingers apart, matching their palms against each other. Heosu couldn’t look away from the gap between the top of their fingers. Geonbu bent the tips of his fingers, bowing down to meet the tops of Heosu's. The action made Heosu's heart skip a beat.
He had imagined doing this, back when he first realized he liked Geonbu. And many times after that. In all those imaginings, there was always a natural second step. Geonbu was the one to take it, slowly letting his fingers fall between Heosu's. Heosu felt breathless as he followed suit. It felt too natural, the way their fingers slotted between each other. Heosu held on tight, hoping he wouldn't have to let go. He felt Geonbu do the same, their palms pressed as close as possible.
Heosu couldn't help but wonder if Geonbu had imagined this moment too. When he turned to face his soft gaze, he was sure he had.
“I like you.” The words came out of Heosu in a whisper. He almost hoped they were too quiet to hear, every second that passed piling on anxiety.
It melted away the second Geonbu smiled. “Me too.”
Heosu thought he might cry. Or die from how fast his heart was beating. He had imagined so many moments like this one in the past. Things he thought could never happen. He didn't know what to do, other than keep staring at Geonbu. He probably couldn't look away if he tried.
Heosu found himself leaning into Geonbu unconsciously. Their faces were getting closer and closer. Heosu wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing, his brain was too hazy to catch up with his actions. His movement was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. “Hyung, you're drunk.” Geonbu’s voice had a hint of worry in it. If Heosu had been less drunk, he would've caught the sudden use of the honorific.
Instead, he felt a small panic rise in his chest. Geonbu was right, he was drunk and it was making his head swim. He had been moving too fast without even thinking. He had probably been reading the signals wrong.
“Sorry,” he said, his voice cracking a bit. “I'm sorry, I'm being stupid.” He leaned away from Geonbu, slipping his hand out of his grasp. As soon as it left, Heosu felt Geonbu's hand return to his.
“No, it's okay.” Geonbu moved slowly, as if scared Heosu would back away again. He brought his arm around Heosu, hugging him while still holding his hand. “You're okay hyung. I just…”
He went silent for a moment. “I really like you hyung.”
Hearing Geonbu say those words made Heosu’s head spin. Barely thinking, Heosu brought his free arm behind Geonbu's back, pulling him close. Breathing in deeply, he felt his mind slowly calm down. Quiet moments with Geonbu always seemed to soothe him in that way.
They stayed like that for a while, not wanting to let go of each other. Heosu found himself trying to memorize what it felt like to have Geonbu's arms completely surrounding him. Unfortunately, his own tired mind decided to betray him, eyelids slowly drooping. Geonbu must have noticed as he carefully lifted Heosu up, letting him lean on him as they walked to his room.
Laying down on his bed staring up at Geonbu, Heosu felt a sense of deja vu. His mind played vague memories of a night similar to this one, one he couldn't quite remember.
Geonbu made him drink some water before whispering, “Go to sleep.”
He didn't leave right away though. He sat on the edge of Heosu's bed and held his hand, accompanying him as he fell asleep. Heosu was happy to have the companionship. As he watched their intertwined hands, Heosu couldn’t help wondering if this was just a dream. Even if it was, he was left with a content feeling as his heavy eyelids fell shut.
Heosu woke up the next day with a headache and a fear of the future. He didn't know what to expect when he saw Geonbu next. They had both confessed so what exactly was supposed to happen? Were they dating now? Heosu couldn’t quite comprehend that idea, too much to take in at once.
Heosu felt a bit scared to leave his room, but was eventually able to hype himself up. His first step was to get breakfast. Unfortunately for Heosu, he and Geonbu seemed to be scarily in sync. When he got to the dining room, Geonbu was just sitting down in a chair. Heosu considered turning around and running back to his room but the gentle look Geonbu sent him convinced him to stay.
The two of them exchanged ‘good mornings’ like it was any other day. Heosu grabbed his own food and ended up sitting down in front of Geonbu. They slowly ate in silence, letting the atmosphere between them settle.
“How’s your head?” Geonbu asked, breaking the quiet.
Heosu sighed, “I have a bit of a headache.” Geonbu sent him an apologetic look before he suddenly reached over the table and fixed some of Heosu’s hair. The action made the smaller man stop mid chew. Geonbu had never done anything like that before, not to Heosu. It felt intimate, caring. It made it clear Geonbu wasn’t ignoring what happened last night.
There was another minute of silence before Heosu worked up the bravery to breach the topic. “So, what do we do now?” he asked, glancing up.
Geonbu chewed on his rice thoughtfully. “I don't know.”
Heosu groaned, planting his head in his arms. “Well I don't know either,” he whined, his voice muffled. He heard a huff of amusement from Geonbu, to which he lightly kicked the other's foot.
Heosu rested his chin on his hands, frowning. “Are we just supposed to start dating?” he wondered out loud. It felt a bit lackluster asking Geonbu out in the team cafeteria. “I never thought this far ahead. I thought there was no way you'd, y’know. Feel like that too…” his voice trailed off at the end, still not used to the idea Geonbu liked him back.
Geonbu smiled at him. “Me too. I was worried last night had been a dream.”
Those words surprised Heosu. Geonbu had a certain calm vibe to him, one that sometimes masked his feelings. Heosu hadn’t considered what Geonbu felt in all this, how he might be just as nervous as him. They were both just doing their best, which was comforting.
Geonbu set down his chopsticks, turning all his attention to Heosu “Why don't we try going on a date? Then we can think about it after,” he suggested. Ah, that kind of makes sense. Lots of people went on dates first before officially getting together. Him and Geonbu confessing to each other didn’t mean they needed to rush things.
“I guess we could do that,” Heosu agreed, nodding his head. Although, even just thinking about going on a date with Geonbu made him a bit flustered. He wasn’t sure how he was actually going to fair going on one. He buried his head in his arms again, trying to calm himself down.
Hearing a laugh from Geonbu, Heosu glared up at him. “What?” he demanded.
Geonbu’s laughter turned into a smile. “You're acting cute,” he explained.
Heosu froze. Geonbu had never called him cute before. It wasn't really his style. Or at least he thought it wasn’t. Unsure of what to do, Heosu looked away, blushing. “Shut up.”
They ended up going on a few dates over the course of their break. The dates were a lot more casual then Heosu imagined they’d be. In fact, they were very similar to what they would normally do when they were just friends. Get food, go on walks, and visit Meonji. It was all very familiar, which helped ease Heosu’s nerves a bit. Although, there was a part of Heosu that was a bit confused.
Most of their dates didn’t really feel like dates. They weren’t doing anything that would be considered romantic unless you counted sharing food. There wasn’t much helping that though, as doing anything too much was a bit of a risk in public. They weren’t necessarily celebrities but they could still get recognized.
So it was not on their dates, but back at base where the two found themselves getting closer. They spent most of their time together, still recovering from Worlds and getting ready for Spring. Having someone to keep him company helped Heosu feel some of the sadness from Worlds fade away. Geonbu was also helping him get used to playing again, reassuring him when he made mistakes and helping him find things to fix.
They obviously didn’t spend all their time playing League. They spent plenty of time just hanging out or playing other games. They started getting more comfortable with touching each other as well, sometimes hugging or holding hands. It had been a bit awkward at first, but it was almost natural after they got used to it. They still weren’t officially dating yet though, still in their ‘trial’ period.
For their next date the two of them decided to go catch a movie. It was something they'd done in the past but it had been awhile since then. The movie was interesting, but Heosu found himself getting distracted thinking about holding Geonbu’s hand. Unfortunately, he couldn’t work up the courage to take that step.
When they got out, it was already starting to get dark so they began to argue about what they should get for dinner. Geonbu insisted on fried chicken but Heosu wasn’t hungry enough for it, just wanting some tteokbokki. They ended up deciding via rock paper scissors, Heosu clutching the win.
They picked up various street foods while they walked back to the base, eating while they went. Heosu made sure to savor his hard won rice cakes, but when he saw Geonbu sulking he promised him they could get fried chicken next time. That seemed to satisfy him.
Once he finished his food, Geonbu glanced over at Heosu. “How was it? Was it good?” he asked.
Heosu would’ve thought he was talking about the food if Geonbu hadn’t asked this question after every date they’d been on. “Mn, it was good,” Heosu responded, giving the same answer as all the other times. Heosu hesitated before continuing, “It's just, it kinda feels just… normal.”
Seeing Geonbu's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Heosu decided to elaborate. “It kinda feels like we’re just hanging out.”
“Are dates supposed to feel different?” Geonbu wondered.
“I don't know. Probably.”
“Should we do stuff we don't usually do then?”
“Like what?”
Geonbu shrugged. “Y’know, just...” He seemed nervous, his sentence trailing off.
Despite that, Heosu could guess what he was thinking of. After all, he had thought about it too.
“Kissing?” Heosu asked. Geonbu gave a small nod, looking a little shy for bringing it up.
Heosu took a deep breath before giving his own nod. “Okay, we can try that.”
“Okay,” Geonbu agreed. His face changed from a bit bashful to serious, one he might have before an important match. It was a very typical Geonbu expression and it made Heosu smile.
—
When they got to the dorms, Heosu suddenly felt nervous. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen from this point. This was unfamiliar territory. Luckily, he had his jungler with him.
Geonbu gently slipped his hand into Heosu's. The strong hold erased all thoughts previously in Heosu's head. Geonbu quietly led them to Heosu's room then sat down on the bed. It was similar to how they'd usually sit when Geonbu would visit at night. Except now they were right next to each other, shoulders touching.
Heosu fiddled with his fingers, too nervous to look at Geonbu. The night he confessed to Geonbu he had been the one to try and initiate a kiss. But without the alcohol getting rid of his inhibitions, there was no way Heosu could do that now. He felt much too awkward.
“You seem nervous,” Geonbu noted.
“Maybe,” Heosu admitted, bringing his legs up to his chest, frowning.
“Is there anything we could do to help?” Geonbu asked.
The only thing Heosu could think of was when he’d try to hype himself up before a game. He laughed. “I don't think listening to hype songs before you kiss someone is normal.”
Geonbu snorted, just as amused with the idea. “We'll watch cats then,” he decided, pulling out his phone.
So now they were watching cat videos to hype themselves up so they could kiss each other. Heosu was sure this wasn't the normal dating experience. It wasn’t lost on Heosu that this was the second time Geonbu was using cats to calm Heosu down. It was a little silly but he guessed Geonbu knew him well because it worked.
Once his brain had stopped racing, Heosu slowly rested his cheek against Geonbu’s shoulder. The taller boy didn’t react at all, letting Heosu take things at his own pace. A little bit after that, Heosu’s hand crept over to Geonbu’s. Just like the other night, their hands interlocked perfectly.
When their current video finished, Geonbu asked, “Do you feel better now?”
Heosu nodded his head, his cheek rubbing against Geonbu’s soft shirt. “Yeah.”
Geonbu rubbed the back of Heosu’s hand with his thumb. Then he gently pulled on Heosu, turning him so they could face each other.
Heosu was calmed down enough to meet Geonbu’s eyes now. Looking at Geonbu this close up felt so different. His whole face looked soft, from his eyes to his lips. He could see small details like individual eyelashes and smile lines.
“Have you ever kissed someone?” Heosu asked hesitantly.
“No,” Geonbu answered simply.
“Me neither,” Heosu admitted.
With a shared understanding the two leaned in.
Their first kiss was simple, soft. Neither of them moved, simply pressing their lips against each other. It only lasted a few moments, but it was enough. Really, it was everything Heosu could’ve wanted. Just simple warmth, something uncomplicated.
Geonbu pulled away first, breathing in deeply. He brought his hand up to run it through Heosu’s hair. Heosu noticed the slight flush on Geonbu’s face. He liked it.
Geonbu was also the one to go back in. He pulled Heosu in, tenderly holding the back of his neck. This time, the two moved their lips a bit experimentally, taking their time. They were both unsure with inexperience but that didn’t matter to them. Heosu placed his hand on Geonbu’s knee for balance, leaning in closer. Geonbu’s hand trailed from the back Heosu’s neck to cup the side of his face. As his fingers lightly brushed against his ear, Heosu’s breath caught in his throat letting out a small noise.
Heosu was the first one to pull away this time, his face burning. He had no clue his ears were so sensitive. Feeling too embarrassed to continue, Heosu shoved his face in Geonbu's neck. He felt a huff of amusement from Geonbu, before he kissed the side of Heosu's head.
“Are we dating now?” Geonbu asked softly.
Heosu weakly punched his chest. “What do you think?”
Geonbu paused. “Yes?”
“Yes,” Heosu mumbled.
Heosu ended up doing a lot of settling in in the following months. Not only had he somehow gotten himself a boyfriend, he also had new teammates to get used to. The mix of the two was quite the experience.
On the team side of things, Heosu could say he liked his new teammates. Deokdam especially was easy to banter with. He couldn’t say he wasn’t nervous though, as adjusting to differences in gameplay was difficult. He was so used to playing with his old teammates, it was strange needing to adjust. It was a rough start, but he had hope that they could do well. Plus, he still had Geonbu with him. Geonbu was like playing with an old friend, familiar. Their playstyles almost felt built around each other at this point. It seemed like as long as they were together, they could do well.
Outside of the team, he and Geonbu had gone through some changes. Obviously, they were boyfriends now. Which was a word Heosu couldn’t really believe applied to them. The more time they spent together helped him get used to it though.
Most of the things they did while together were the same. Watching shows, eating food, the usual. They were creatures of habit after all. It was the small things that were different now. Leaning against each other, sharing food between them. Teasing that was followed by complements. It surprised Heosu just how natural it all felt.
But there was one thing Heosu hadn't expected in all this.
Geonbu was a very physically affectionate boyfriend.
In the past Heosu had always been the one to initiate contact with Geonbu, leaning or clinging onto him. Geonbu used to always shrug him off, acting annoyed by the behavior. Heosu had assumed that Geonbu was just someone who didn’t like touching people. So he was shocked to find that didn’t seem to be the case. The second they were by themselves now, it was like there was some sort of magnet sticking Geonbu to Heosu. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, it didn’t seem to matter as long as they were as close as possible.
Heosu would be lying if he said he wasn’t confused by it, but he hadn’t brought it up because:
- It would be embarrassing to ask. Heosu really couldn’t handle Geonbu’s new found courage in just saying whatever the hell he wanted to. It was like the younger had taken up a new hobby of trying to kill his boyfriend with unexpected compliments. Heosu had to fend off comments about him being cute every other day now, and he didn’t need more of that in his life. Asking about the hugging would run the risk of increasing that behavior.
- It was admittedly cute. Heosu was of the opinion that Geonbu was incredibly cute when he wanted to be. Not just that, he was someone who naturally looked and was very huggable. His new clingy habits just added to his image as a cuddly polar bear in Heosu’s head.
- He kind of liked it. His boyfriend didn't need to know that though.
It was for all those reasons Heosu was hesitant to ask Geonbu about it.
—
It was once again another late night where Heosu had been streaming. It had been a good couple of hours entertaining his chat but his introvert energy battery was getting low so he decided to end stream.
“Showba showba!” he said as he waved goodbye to his chat. Just a few moments after the stream ended there was a knock on the door. “Yes?” he responded. The door opened and there stood Geonbu. A very tired looking Geonbu.
“You okay?” Heosu asked as Geonbu entered the small room, closing the door behind him.
“Mmn,” Geonbu nodded before dropping his arms over Heosu’s chair and settling his chin on his mid lander’s shoulder. Heosu felt his heart melting at the sudden action. He made extra sure he had ended stream then grabbed onto one of Geonbu’s hands.
“Did you just finish a game?” Heosu questioned, beginning to massage Geonbu’s hand carefully.
Geonbu shook his head, rubbing his chin on Heosu’s shirt. “No. I finished a while ago.”
Heosu frowned. “Were you waiting for me?” When Geonbu hummed and pushed his forehead into his shoulder, Heosu got his answer.
“Why didn’t you go to bed?” Heosu scolded, trying to turn so he could see the tired man's face.
“Didn’t see you last night,” he mumbled. They obviously had seen each other, but that wasn’t what Geonbu meant. They lost to a team lower in standings than them the other day. The loss had hit Geonbu especially hard, for one reason or another. He had wanted to practice for longer yesterday and ended up missing their usual hangout time together. So in Geonbu speak, he basically said: We didn’t cuddle yesterday.
“And whose fault is that? Game addict,” Heosu teased, lightly pinching Geonbu’s arm. He was rewarded with a whine and an unimpressed face. It stated very clearly: You’re one to talk.
Heosu sighed, turning off his computer and standing up. “Come on, let’s go.”
The two of them made their way to Heosu’s room, no questions asked. They ended up the same as usual, sitting squished together side by side on the small bed. The only difference was one uncharacteristically sleepy polar bear. His forehead was again shoved into the bend of Heosu’s neck while his arms wrapped around the smaller boy’s waist. There was no reason Geonbu should look so cute when he was tired but here they were.
Once the tired boy’s eyes closed and he started nodding off, Heosu coaxed him into lying down with his head in his lap. Heosu knew he’d have to convince Geonbu to get up and go sleep in his own room eventually, but for now he wanted to stay like this. He started running his fingers through Geonbu’s hair, the action calming for both of them.
Heosu could feel Geonbu’s slow breathing as his head lay on Heosu’s lap. The close contact traded heat between their bodies, creating a warm and relaxed atmosphere. Heosu could feel himself joining his boyfriend in his half awake state.
It was the tender mood around them that made Heosu brave enough to ask the question he’d been wondering about the last few weeks.
“You awake Geonbu?” Heosu murmured.
“Mhm.” Geonbu didn’t move from his spot as he responded.
“Why didn’t you like me touching you before?” Heosu asked. As soon as the question left his lips, Geonbu's whole body became motionless. Heosu could swear he saw his ears turning pink. When he got no response Heosu continued. “It just seems like you like doing stuff like this. I wasn’t sure why things changed so suddenly.”
After a few seconds of quiet Geonbu finally responded. “I… I liked you hyung. I didn’t know what to do whenever you touched me. I felt awkward, so I just started avoiding it.”
It was a very Geonbu-like reason. But Heosu understood. He had felt the same way when he realized he liked Geonbu.
Which made Heosu curious about something else. “Geonbu, how long have you liked me?” Once he asked the question, Heosu realized it might be a bit too personal. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me, I was just curious.”
Heosu couldn’t see the other boy's face, but his silence made him worried he’d gone too far. Wanting to be a bit more fair, Heosu thought back to when he discovered his crush. “I think I started liking you after we won Worlds. I’m not exactly sure though,” Heosu explained. When Geonbu let out a small ‘oh’, Heosu smiled and continued to brush his fingers through Geonbu’s hair. He liked seeing this shyer side of his boyfriend.
Heosu didn’t expect a response so he almost missed when Geonbu answered. “Some time after we qualified for the LCK,” he mumbled.
Heosu’s eyes widened. His hand froze in Geonbu’s hair before he slowly lowered it to Geonbu’s cheek. He needed to see his face, not able to believe what he just heard. He gently turned Geonbu’s head to look up at him, still resting in his lap.
“That’s three years, Geonbu,” Heosu whispered.
Geonbu met his eyes before letting out a simple, “Yeah.”
Heosu stared down at his boyfriend. Geonbu closed his eyes, not able to maintain eye contact. Heosu didn’t know exactly what he was feeling at that moment. It was too much to come up with words for. So he didn’t try too. Instead, he brought his head down and carefully kissed Geonbu’s forehead. Then the tip of his nose. Then his lips.
He wished he could give him more, so much more.
They weren’t able to reach the heights they were once able to. It was strange, going from top of the pack world champions to third place. Heosu could feel himself getting tired with every issue their team faced. His enthusiasm for the game was draining, leaving him wondering if everyone else was getting better or if he was just getting worse.
But none of that mattered. They had made it to Worlds. Regular season didn’t mean anything, Worlds was all Heosu needed to prove himself. They just needed to win, then he could show he was still one of the best, still worthy to be remembered. He could win, he’d make sure of it.
Because there was no pride in coming second.
—
They were all provided their own hotel rooms at Worlds. Walking into his, Heosu reveled in the size of it in comparison to his own tiny dorm room. He flopped onto the equally large bed, finally letting his tired bones rest.
Heosu hated traveling, he found plane rides incredibly uncomfortable and anxiety inducing. It was good that they had a bit of time to rest and adjust before they had to play on stage. If Heosu had to play a game right after getting off a plane, he would probably run it down mid in protest.
Stretching his sore arms out, Heosu suddenly realized just how big his bed was. It was definitely big enough to fit two people, with plenty of space left over. Heosu paused at that thought, the wheels slowly turning in his brain. Whenever he and Geonbu cuddled at the dorm, they’d be incredibly squished, sometimes close to falling off their beds. But here…
Heosu groaned, rolling back and forth in frustration. He couldn’t believe he was thinking about surrendering his precious bed space up. A year ago he would’ve tackled any of his teammates that even tried invading his hotel room. And yet here he was, unable to get the idea out of his head. He was in too deep and he knew it.
Resigned to his fate, Heosu dragged his way to the door. He walked out of the room with his head in his hands, almost running into someone right outside the doorway. When he looked up, who else would he find but Geonbu.
The two stood there staring at each other, blinking dumbly. Heosu’s eyes drifted downwards, spotting Geonbu’s suitcase resting at his side. His gaze returned back to Geonbu’s face, met with a hopeful expression.
“I reserve the right to kick you out,” Heosu informed Geonbu.
“Of course,” Geonbu assured, nodding his head seriously. He didn’t look very concerned, after all both of them knew that was unlikely to happen. With that, Geonbu let himself in and set his suitcase against the wall.
“How do we explain you staying in my room?” Heosu asked, closing the door behind him and returning to his spot lying on the bed.
“We don’t. Just say we’re discussing draft,” Geonbu suggested. Heosu guessed he had already come up with that plan before coming over.
“Your suitcase is in here,” Heosu pointed out. “It would be pretty obvious you were staying here if someone came in and saw it.” It seemed Geonbu hadn’t considered this issue based on his troubled face. The way he was looking at the offending suitcase seemed like he was close to either trying to shove it under the bed or throw it out the window.
Heosu decided he would help his poor boyfriend out before any serious property damage took place. “Just put it back in your room with some other things and leave what you need here. Plausible deniability,” he suggested.
Geonbu looked content with that solution, nodding his head in agreement. Turning his suitcase onto its back, he began to determine the lucky items that got to stay in Heosu’s room.
“I still think you should’ve packed more,” Heosu threw out, referring back to the sad two shirts Geonbu had packed while they were filming content.
“I did after you came in.”
“Really?” Heosu asked, peering over the edge of the bed at his boyfriend.
“Mn,” Geonbu opened his suitcase, and sure enough there was more clothes than before. Mainly a hoodie and some shirts. Geonbu took the hoodie out and threw it towards the bed. “Here,” he said. It ended up landing on top of Heosu’s head, triggering an annoyed ‘ah.’ Heosu snatched the hoodie off of him, holding it up to get a better look. It was just a regular old hoodie but it left Heosu staring at it, conflicted.
At some point, Geonbu had somehow picked up on Heosu’s tendency to send lingering looks at Geonbu’s coats and jackets. Or maybe he hadn’t and Geonbu just shared Heosu’s (embarrassing) feelings towards the idea of sharing clothes. Either way he had started a strange game of leaving his shirts and hoodies in Heosu's room. It was an obvious attempt to get him to wear them but it was very ineffective. There was no way Heosu would ever wear Geonbu’s clothes at the base, too embarrassed that other people would see him wearing them.
Even now, Heosu still felt a bit flustered thinking about wearing something of Geonbu’s. Too tired to unpack his mess of emotions, Heosu moved to hide the hoodie under a pillow so he didn’t need to look at it. But when he saw Geonbu’s puppy dog eyes (polar bear eyes?) looking up at him, Heosu froze. A staring contest similar to the one they had at the doorway took place, an unspoken debate taking place between them. And just like the last one, Heosu gave in with a sigh.
He couldn’t let Geonbu win completely though, so he went to the bathroom to change. Unfortunately, that was also a bad idea because the second Heosu saw himself in the mirror wearing Geonbu’s hoodie he swore he was about to spontaneously combust from embarrassment. The way it hung loosely off his frame and covered his hands… Heosu hated how much he liked the look of it.
Leaving the bathroom, Heosu found Geonbu sitting on the edge of the bed, done with moving his stuff in before even Heosu had. Seeing Heosu, a smile spread across Geonbu’s face. He looked so unreasonably happy, his whole expression lighting up. Heosu tried to pretend like his face wasn’t on fire, walking over to Geonbu as casually as possible. Although the false confidence was pointless as soon as Geonbu pulled Heosu onto his lap. Heosu yelped in surprise, quickly putting his hands on Geonbu’s shoulders to maintain his balance.
Heosu could never get used to sitting like this. They were so close that it felt like Geonbu would be able to hear Heosu’s rapid heartbeat. It did make him taller though so it had its positives.
“Cute,” Geonbu said, giving Heosu a small kiss on his neck. Heosu didn't know how to respond to that, so he just buried his face in Geonbu’s neck. His boyfriend didn’t seem to mind the silence, continuing to pepper small kisses wherever he could.
Geonbu’s hands slowly floated up from Heosu’s waist, sending a ticklish feeling through Heosu. “Does your back hurt from the flight?” Geonbu asked as his hands landed at his shoulders, beginning to gently knead them.
“It’s a bit sore but everyone’s like that after flying,” Heosu mumbled, Geonbu’s soft touch making him a bit sleepy. Geonbu hummed in response, continuing to rub Heosu’s shoulder blades. When they were just teammates, the two would give each other shoulder massages every once in a while. It was an action that showed concern for the other’s condition and felt nice on their sore bodies. It had naturally carried over into their relationship and would oftentimes happen randomly while they were cuddling.
Heosu let his own hands drift to Geonbu’s back, beginning to return the favor. Feeling the knots in his boyfriend’s back made Heosu frown. “Your back is worse than mine,” he grumbled. Geonbu responded by kneading the back of Heosu’s neck, ignoring him. The smaller man pushed Geonbu away from him to look him in the face. “Lay down,” Heosu ordered.
Geonbu didn’t look pleased with the idea, his grip on Heosu tightening. His pouting face told Heosu he didn’t really want him leaving his current spot. The two had their third quiet staredown of the night. It lasted a few moments before Geonbu huffed, conceding. “You need to let me see your hands after though,” he added.
“Fine,” Heosu said, rolling his eyes. Geonbu had become increasingly concerned about Heosu’s hands recently. He would often ask about their condition or offer to massage them. Heosu tried to avoid the topic as much as possible, not liking to think about his declining health. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t touched by Geonbu’s concern though.
They went through their agreed upon deal, carefully detangling themselves from each other. Geonbu laid face down on the bed, Heosu straddling his back. While kneading the knots out along Geonbu’s spine, Heosu began to talk about his thoughts on the other teams going into Worlds. His boyfriend would hum to show he was listening, sometimes interjecting with his own opinions.
After a bit, Geonbu seemingly decided he had been massaged enough and lifted himself up. It caused Heosu to roll off of him, falling harmlessly on the bed. “Oh my god, why don’t you just tell me when you’re done?” Heosu whined, poking Geonbu in the side. Suffice to say this wasn’t the first time this happened.
In the face of his boyfriend’s complaints Geonbu expectantly put his palm out, waiting patiently. Heosu stopped his whining and reluctantly offered his hand, too tired to put up more of a fuss. Geonbu inspected his wrists before he started gently massaging them. As he enjoyed the skillful prodding, Heosu couldn’t help but wonder if Geonbu looked up videos on how to do this.
As he watched Geonbu massage over every joint of his fingers, Heosu found himself remembering the night they first held hands. No matter how long it’d been, he couldn’t really forget what he’d felt that night. He’d sometimes reminisce on it randomly, still unable to believe he was lucky enough to have Geonbu like him back. “It’s almost been a year…” he whispered, breaking the silence between them.
Geonbu’s hands froze, his facial expression becoming strained. Heosu felt confused at the strong reaction until he remembered why they’d been together that night. The reason they were in America right now. Their goal. He sucked in some air at the reminder, feeling a small sting at the memories. “I meant since we confessed. Since we started dating,” Heosu clarified, his voice a bit shaky.
Geonbu’s complicated face quickly melted into a smile hearing that. “It has, hasn’t it,” he said. His attention went back to Heosu’s hands, his face holding a sort of warmth. The way his hands moved somehow felt even more careful, as if he had also become immersed in the memory. It helped thaw the cold that had crept into Heosu, pushing last year's loss to the edge of his mind.
They stayed like that until Geonbu felt his massaging was sufficient, nodding his head in satisfaction. He lifted Heosu’s hands to his mouth, kissing the back of each of them. Heosu’s face heated up at the action, but he also felt a small smile on his lips.
As their eyes met, Geonbu’s face became determined. “I’ll give you something for our anniversary,” he promised.
Heosu felt like he could split in two. Because he knew what that expression and those words meant. It was a promise that they’d win. And it scared Heosu. Because he thought he was ready for this year. But remembering last year, Heosu didn’t know if he could take another promise.
But god Heosu wanted to win with Geonbu. He was entranced every time he saw that burning gaze. That honest determination that kept Heosu going, kept him hopeful. It made him think they could do it. Nothing else mattered if Geonbu was next to him.
So despite his fear, he leaned in and kissed Geonbu’s lips. “I’ll give you something too,” Heosu promised.
When they lost to GenG Heosu could feel his hands trembling.
He was getting deja vu from last year. The same side of the stage, the five game series. Last year he felt numb at the loss. But right now, Heosu could feel frustration burning under his skin. Deeper than that, he could feel something breaking inside. It scared him.
Their coaches tried to give a few words of encouragement but it was clear most of the team weren’t paying attention. The atmosphere was dead, disappointment thick in the air. As Heosu looked at his teammates all he saw was blank faces, their emotions disguised.
The cold silence followed them as they were shuffled into vans to return to their hotel. Heosu could feel his frustration burning out as each second passed, steadily replaced with a rising panic. Heosu realized he had been running from reality and now it was coming for his throat. All he could do for now was stare out the darkened window and focus on holding himself together. The one thing he kept in the back of his mind was Geonbu’s presence next to him. He desperately wished he could hold his hand right now.
The team dispersed as soon as they got back to the hotel. Heosu was barely aware of his surroundings as he followed Geonbu back to their room, fighting the growing tangle of emotions in his stomach. The second they entered the room Heosu gave in and grabbed Geonbu’s hand. Geonbu responded by bringing Heosu in, hugging him close.
Heosu’s breathing was shaky and he felt his eyes becoming wet. He did his best to fight tears from falling by taking in Geonbu. His touch; he was squeezing Heosu’s hand to the point it hurt a little bit. His breathing; it was much deeper than Heosu's own. The slow rhythm was soothing and he tried to match it. His voice; whispering that they should sit down. Heosu agreed reluctantly.
Once they were sitting on the bed, Heosu immediately burrowed back into Geonbu’s arms. He closed his eyes, finding safety in the warm embrace. They stayed like that for some time. It was a quiet “hyung” from Geonbu that finally made Heosu lift his head and look at his face.
It was a reflection of Heosu’s own feelings. Not on the surface, but in his tired eyes. And seeing Geonbu without his usual confidence broke Heosu just a little bit more. He could feel all his emotions and regrets from last year come flooding back to him. Naive hope had protected him from his worst thoughts, but that broke the second they lost.
“I failed. Last year, this year,” Heosu whispered. “I don’t know what’s happened to me. Why can’t we win? Why couldn’t we win?” He couldn’t raise his voice too high or it would break, so he kept it quiet. “We used to be the best.”
When Heosu first became a pro, he had dreamed of being one of the greatest. Of staying at the top for so long there was no doubt he would be remembered. When they won Worlds he had felt like that dream was coming true. But staying at the top was harder than he had thought it’d be. And he could’ve never imagined how much it’d hurt falling from that height. Why did he keep trying if it hurt so much?
Why did Geonbu keep trying with him?
Geonbu’s hand wiping his face made Heosu realize a few tears had escaped. Looking up at his partner made Heosu realize just how small he felt right now. How big everything else seemed, how impossible it felt. How much regret and guilt he felt. He couldn’t contain it all inside him, no matter how hard he tried to.
“I would do anything to win with you again,” Geonbu said.
Heosu broke, letting the tears roll down his face, unable to stop the sobs in his throat. He shoved his face into Geonbu’s chest, trying to bury himself. Geonbu’s arms tightened in response. Heosu felt small in that embrace. But it felt safe.
Heosu was eventually able to calm down with the help of Geonbu’s steady hand on his back. As his breathing gradually slowed, his boyfriend gently wiped the tears off of his red cheeks. Geonbu’s face was sad, concerned.
He insisted Heosu take a shower. Heosu was exhausted and just wanted to fall asleep but he gave in easily enough. The shower made him feel better, releasing the tension in him and soothing his irritated face. At some point Geonbu came in and left Heosu a change of clothes. He gave two options of shirts: one of Heosu’s own and one of Geonbu’s. Heosu chose Geonbu’s.
As soon as they were both clean, they got into bed huddled together. It was late and Heosu was tired but he couldn’t sleep. He had cried most of his built up emotions out earlier but now that he was lucid, it had been replaced with a feeling of guilt for throwing his emotions at Geonbu. He had lost too, he must be hurting. He didn’t deserve to be dealing with Heosu’s built up feelings of regret.
“Are you okay hyung?” Heosu hadn’t realized Geonbu was still awake and he stiffened at the whisper in his ear. He opened his eyes, looking at the outline of Geonbu in the dark room. He wasn’t sure if he was glad he couldn’t see his expression right now.
Heosu bit his lip, before letting his thoughts spill out. “I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
“For being like this. You’re my teammate, I'm not the only one that lost,” Heosu explained. Not being able to see Geonbu's face felt unnerving, so Heosu closed his eyes again.
He heard the sheets rustling as Geonbu repositioned himself. “I want to be here for you,” he insisted.
“But are you okay?” Heosu asked.
Geonbu paused. It was like Heosu could hear him thinking, his hand curling in Heosu’s hair.
“I’m angry. I’m sad and disappointed.” Geonbu was so honest and straightforward when it came to competing, unlike Heosu’s bottled up regret. “But I still want to be here for you. I’m thinking the same things you are. Why can’t we win? We should be the best.”
He paused, as if taking in what he just said. “But I'll be fine. Just being with you helps me. You help me keep going. Because I believe in us, no matter how long it will take.”
“But you bottle things up, wear yourself down. Like last year.” Heosu wanted to argue with that, insist he was fine, but it was pretty pointless all things considered. “So let me help you hyung,” Geonbu said earnestly. Heosu could feel his gaze burning into him, despite the darkness.
Heosu didn’t understand how he could be a help to Geonbu. He felt more like a burden than anything else. But he believed in Geonbu, more than he believed in himself right now. Without Geonbu, he’d be tearing at the seams right now. So Heosu brought his hand up to Geonbu’s cheek, lightly rubbing his thumb under those eyes he couldn’t see.
“Okay,” he agreed.
Heosu woke up the next day to soft sunlight in his eyes. As he slowly roused from his dreamless sleep, he found the hotel room bathed in the soft yellow light of early morning. The atmosphere was calming, Heosu felt warm and content in the bed sheets. It had been a while since he felt so peaceful. He closed his eyes again, still partly asleep and happy to surrender himself back to unconsciousness.
He was barely becoming unaware when movement behind Heosu startled him back to reality. That surprise was quickly replaced with recognition as he felt the familiar body behind him. Geonbu’s hand was pressed against Heosu’s stomach, spooning him. His nose was pressed to the top of his head, sometimes ruffling his hair with his breath. All these little points of contact that had previously been ignored now filled Heosu with an uncontrollable fondness.
Hearing a quiet huff from his partner, Heosu felt a rising curiosity. He carefully turned around, making sure not to jostle the arm wrapped around him. And there was Geonbu. Heosu had seen him sleeping before, plenty of times. But never like this. Never in bed while morning light painted his relaxed face. The glow made soft shadows that captivated Heosu. It felt like he couldn’t take his eyes off.
Unable to stop himself, Heosu reached a finger out, beginning to lightly trace the lines and shadows on Geonbu’s face. Heosu watched as his boyfriend’s eyelids fluttered as he passed over them. With a quiet hum, those eyes slowly opened. They were initially unfocused, until Geonbu registered the face in front of him. As soon as he did, a small smile graced his lips. Heosu reached out and moved some of Geonbu’s bangs out of his eyes. They didn’t exchange any words, both lost in the atmosphere of the moment.
Geonbu used his arm around Heosu’s waist to pull him in, pressing their foreheads together before gently kissing his lips. The kiss was slow and lingering, a product of the lazy atmosphere. Heosu’s eyes stayed open for just a moment, reluctant to look away from Geonbu. When he closed them he deepened the kiss, hoping to take in the feeling through taste rather than sight. Their hands drifted over each other’s bodies, never settling in one place for too long. The way their lips and tongues moved against each other was indulgent, each moment enjoyed fully. There was very little hunger or impatience in their movement, as both felt they could stay like that forever.
When they eventually parted Geonbu brought a hand up to Heosu’s cheek, smiling with such affection. That smile was something Heosu wished he could see everyday. Seeing Geonbu like this, Heosu knew why he kept trying to win. He wanted to give Geonbu the stars, give him so much more than he could right now. While Heosu still played for his own desires, it seemed some time ago one of those desires became Geonbu’s smiling face as they lifted a trophy.
He loved Geonbu, so much more than he had words for.