Chapter Text
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Olivia put her blinker on to change lanes, thinking she may have a chance at a decent night’s sleep if she could get home before the window of calm she felt after her visit with Maria closed. She was already envisioning a hot shower, a quick visit with Noah to ask about his day, and then settling into bed with a mug of tea. It seemed like her son had grown a foot recently, seemingly overnight, and she had the sudden thought that time was speeding up. That the world around her was swirling and spinning, constantly changing, while she was standing still. Just plugging away as she always had at a never ending assembly line of cases and fresh horrors.
“I closed this case as a detective. Put it in a drawer. Moved on to the next one.”
Sometimes it seemed that her upward career mobility hadn’t been worth it. That she’d made more of a difference as a detective than she had as a sergeant, lieutenant, or captain. She had directly impacted more victims, even if she didn’t know how most of them fared after their case was closed. Her dating life had been better as a detective, even if she hadn’t had her first truly adult relationship until she was officially a lieutenant. She had always been career focused, always gotten overly involved with the victims, but back then there were a lot of nights and weekends where she could apply a little more makeup, throw on a dress, and just…walk away from it. Leave it in Cragen’s capable hands until morning. Sometimes even until Monday.
“I was going on a date, and my captain called me back into the precinct.”
Her mind drifted back to the night all those years ago Cragen put her on the phone with Maria, and she tried to remember what her date had looked like. What his name was. She wondered if making it to that date with him could have altered the trajectory of the next fifteen years. If it could have stopped it all from spiraling out of control.
She thought about things like that a lot these days – whether or not changing one little thing could have spared her so much heartache and loss. She even wondered sometimes if she hadn’t been struggling with the fallout from Sealview, if she had moved in with Curt Moss, if they had made it work…would Elliot still have left her like he did? Would it have made a difference if she’d had someone? That seemed important to him then, and it still seemed to be driving him now.
“I’m very uncomfortable…from life’s…little question marks.”
Olivia couldn’t help but wonder when her mind wouldn't shut off in the middle of the night if she was just another thing Elliot felt obligated to. She liked to think she knew him well, or at least had known him well. She would never tell anyone, but it hadn’t surprised her when he left SVU. She had felt it in him for years – how torn he was between being the father and husband he needed to be and being… whatever he was to Olivia. She had known how worn down he was by the job, how hard it was on his relationship with Kathy. How it had almost cost him that relationship on more than one occasion. But she had also known, even though she never asked for it, that he saw Olivia as his to protect. Looking back, the two things, Elliot’s marriage and his and Olivia’s partnership, were always headed for a head on collision.
Olivia had known her feelings for her partner went beyond professional. She knew they went beyond friendship, but she had worked hard not to let them interfere with the work, to never put even one toe over the line. And that was part of the reason she took it upon herself to help keep Elliot’s family intact. She thought, in the back of her mind, that if she could do that, keep his marriage from becoming a casualty of the job, it would absolve her for the decidedly unprofessional dynamic that had built between them.
She’d thought back then that Elliot felt it, too. That she mattered to him, however inappropriately, as much as he mattered to her. And even though it didn’t necessarily surprise her that he finally left SVU, how cleanly he did it, how completely he excised Olivia from his life with a cold, callous, surgical precision and didn’t even try to stitch up the wound…that took her legs out from under her. She had never felt stable again after he left the way he did, and she was starting to think she never would.
Having Elliot back in her life these past few years was a mixed bag. Even though they hadn’t spent any real time together until recently, a part of Olivia settled, relaxed even, when he suddenly reappeared after more than a decade. She knew not to trust him in the aftermath of Kathy’s death. She knew she needed to keep him at arm’s length. She was angry and hurt, appalled that he thought he could just issue a vague if I heard your voice apology for vanishing from her life without a trace and then just lean on her again, but she also felt better knowing he was close. That she knew where and how he was. That she could get to him if he got too close to the edge. That someone would tell her if he was in trouble or if he needed her.
She never expected to let him back into her pitifully small circle of trust. She certainly never expected to find herself here in this present reality where she was finally trying to face her fears and insecurities, some of his making and some that had nothing to do with him, that preceded him by decades and trailed him by several years. A reality where she was tentatively starting to trust him with her son. Where she had offered him a key to her apartment and a spot next to her in her bed. Where she devotedly wore a necklace he’d gifted her, even when he kept running off and avoiding her and refusing to return the voice message she’d finally been brave enough to leave him after he failed to share with her that his current IAB predicament wasn’t just a formality. That he had been formally suspended again for injuring a child. A terrifying reality where Olivia had just started to allow herself to hope that maybe she could carve out some semblance of real happiness for herself in the not too distant future. That maybe she and Elliot both could. That maybe they could even be part of each other’s happiness.
But it had now been almost two weeks since she’d laid eyes on him. They had texted some. He congratulated her on finding Maddie, told her she looked good on TV. She couldn’t get away to help him when Rita went missing, and even if she hadn’t been tied up with Maddie’s case, Olivia wasn’t sure she could or should have helped him. He had already been operating without a badge and outside either of their jurisdictions. But she had kept in contact with him. She offered her condolences and reiterated that she was there if he needed to talk. She stopped short of telling him he was welcome to use his key if he just needed to not be alone at night. She’d already extended that invitation, and for whatever reason, he seemed determined not to use it. It embarrassed her now – how she’d acted so impulsively that day at his apartment. How he then seemed pressured into doing the same for her. She supposed she couldn’t fault him for not using the key. She sure as hell wouldn’t be using the one he’d given her.
What Olivia did know was that she was worried about him. He had missed his initial IAB debriefing, and warning bells were sounding in her head, telling her he was spiraling and that it was likely due in part to the recent changes in their relationship. To the line they had crossed three times now. She knew when he stood in her office last March, reeling from Whelan’s death, wearing his wedding ring again, that he wasn’t any more ready than she was, no matter how much he wanted to be. She had hoped he would deal with some of it while he was undercover, but she did know him. Olivia had been working towards being ready for over a year, and she still hadn’t made much progress when the time came. Instead, she just leapt. She knew Elliot, on the other hand, had likely actively avoided dealing with any of it, so he certainly hadn’t been ready when he got back in January. So of course he was flailing.
And she had no one to blame but herself because it was all on her. She was the one who leaned in that first time in her kitchen. She was the one who kissed him in her bedroom a year later. She was the one who told him not to keep his hands to himself that night. It was Olivia who had pushed. She keyed him first. She asked him to dinner at her place. She suggested they tell Noah they were more than friends. She convinced him to invite Eli and his girlfriend to have dessert with all of them. It was all on Olivia.
Now Elliot had backed off, and she couldn’t blame him for that, either. She was struggling herself, barely keeping her head above water. And she was certain he was in the same boat. She needed to sort it out soon so he didn’t feel guilty or obligated or pressured. So he didn’t keep running from her or worse, pretending he was more okay than he was because he didn’t want to let her down.
But Olivia thought maybe she’d let it go for another day or two. Tonight she was still processing the stark contrast between having to arrest Tori Brock and her warm, emotional reunion with Maria Recinos that could so easily have gone the other way. Making up her mind to shoot Elliot a quick text when she got home just to check in, she switched on the radio to drown out the chatter in her head.
As soon as she landed on an eighties station, her cell phone rang, Jet Slootmaeker’s name lighting up on the screen.
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Elliot ground his teeth together, wishing the nurse practitioner had just a slightly lighter touch. His wrists and gashes hurt like a motherfucker, his ribs and ego were bruised, and he was nowhere near ready to start grappling with what this latest turn of events had done to his faith in humanity, in family, in the NYPD, in the Church, or in God Himself.
Jet dropped him off, even offered to stay with him, but he’d lashed out at her because once the adrenaline had passed, he was in pain both physically and emotionally. There was only one person he had any interest in seeing at the moment, and there was no way in hell he was letting her see him like this. Certainly not after he’d dodged her doe-eyed gaze for the better part of two weeks. Not that she was doe-like. She definitely wasn’t naive or trusting, not by a longshot, so when she looked at Elliot with those warm, brown eyes so full of empathy and concern, he couldn’t stand it. It made him hate himself even more because he didn’t deserve her care or compassion. Recently, the look in her eyes reminded him of those first couple of years they were partners, back when she was young and green and looked to him for strength and guidance. Before she got harder and wiser. Before she knew any better. Before he walked out on her. Before he betrayed her trust and the partnership they spent the better part of thirteen years building.
He wanted to see her more than anything right now, but he couldn’t bear it because he couldn’t handle seeing the look of concern morph into disappointment. Couldn’t stand to see the shudders slam closed again when they were finally starting to open back up. He wanted to get his head together, get his life together. Pull his career back out of the gutter before he stood before her and answered the questions she had every right to ask. But he knew he couldn’t put it off much longer, or she was going to think he was avoiding her, which technically, he was.
He promised himself when they first started this, when she first let him touch her, that he would be steady for her. That he would be worthy. So far, he was anything but. She either hadn’t noticed, or she was choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“Forgiveness of sin is possible, but someone has to suffer.”
Eric Bonner wasn’t wrong, but Elliot couldn’t ask for Olivia’s forgiveness for anything more than he already had. He couldn’t let her regret this chance she was taking on him. And he damn well had to make sure she wasn’t the one who suffered for his sins this time around. He could handle the idea that his God had forsaken him, but he wouldn’t survive it if Olivia did. Elliot would rather sacrifice his soul for all eternity than face the rest of this life knowing he had a second chance to be part of Olivia’s life and blew it.
The incessant beeping of the heart rate monitor slowed, and the nurse glanced up from the sutures she was painstakingly putting into Elliot’s right side. “Looks like the lorazepam is finally working,” she commented.
“I told you I didn’t need it,” Elliot mumbled, but he had to admit that he was feeling calmer. His eyes drifted closed, and for a moment, he let himself remember the feeling of Olivia’s body pressed against his as she slept. Her hand trapping his against her chest, holding his arm in place. The warm, sleepy looky in her eyes when he slipped out of bed before Noah woke up the next morning and leaned down to trail kisses along her perfect, prominent cheekbone.
“I’ll call you after I drop Eli at the airport,” Elliot had promised. “See what kind of pizza Noah wants.”
The nurse’s voice pulled him from his memory. “What were you thinking about just now? Your whole body finally relaxed.”
Thanks to Eli’s flight getting canceled and rescheduled for much later in the evening, Elliot hadn’t made it back to Olivia’s that afternoon. And he hadn’t seen her since. At the time, she’d understood. She always understood.
“Soak up as much time with him as you can. You know where to find me.”
But then that message on his machine Monday morning. The uncertainty in her voice.
“Elliot, it’s me. I heard about what happened – actually, I’m going to wait for you to tell me what happened. Call me back, okay? I’m here.”
Angry at IAB, ashamed and wondering if Olivia would side with them now that she was a captain and had dated amongst their ranks, Elliot hadn’t wanted to get into it. He didn’t want to answer the question he knew she would ask about whether or not he had known about the suspension when they were together last Saturday. But he also didn’t want her to think he was ghosting her again the way he had after Jenna because the two situations were in no way comparable.
He tensed again, eyes opening just a little. “My partner,” he finally answered.
“Work partner or romantic partner?”
It was weird for Elliot to think of her as the latter, even though he supposed she technically was now. Not that he’d done a single romantic thing for her since they started this secret relationship.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I guess she’s a little bit of everything.”
“Well, those are the best kind, right?”
“Her name’s Olivia. She’s the most beautiful woman I think I’ve ever seen. And way too good for me,” Elliot confided, his tongue suddenly feeling loose and his body feeling light. “She’s a captain. Can you believe that?”
“Is she your captain?”
He shook his head. “No. She’s too ethical for that. She used to be my partner back when she was a detective. That’s how we met. But I was married with four kids. Five now. She was there when the youngest was born. But something happened at work. I left the force, and we didn’t…see each other for a long time. But we reconnected after my wife died.”
It didn’t sound so bad when he cut it down to the bare bones.
“I’m sorry about your wife.”
“Me, too,” Elliot said softly.
“It’s hard to move on.”
“It’s hard to forgive yourself when it feels like your fault.”
“How is it your fault?”
“She was killed because of my job.”
“Doesn’t make it your fault,” the woman with the deft, if not gentle, hands reminded him. “It’s the fault of whoever did it. No one else’s.”
“Doesn’t absolve the guilt.”
“You know the old saying? Guilt is a useless emotion?”
“You must not be Catholic,” Elliot quipped.
“Recovering, actually, but that’s not the point. The thing about guilt is that it’s only helpful if it can change something. Feeling guilty about your wife’s death isn’t going to bring her back.”
“Mmm. It makes me feel like I put the job before her.”
“Did you?”
Elliot closed his eyes again. “Sometimes. Most of the time.”
“Then maybe that’s what you need to change.”
“A little too late now, don’t you think?”
“You just said you had a second chance with your partner.”
That gave Elliot something to think about, but he wasn’t so sure he could change. He wasn’t even sure Olivia would feel the same way about him if he did change. But what if he didn’t fight IAB? What if he really retired? What if he went into the private sector again but this time on his own terms? He and Olivia both had a soft spot for abused and trafficked young women. Maybe it was something they could do together in their eventual retirements. He liked the thought of that – of him and Olivia carrying on the work they had started together as fledgling partners.
These probably weren’t thoughts he should be entertaining while he was spaced out on whatever it was they’d given him two shots of to calm him down and lower his blood pressure, but that didn’t stop him. He thought about the useless nature of guilt, about how nothing good could come of it unless it compelled change, and even though he wasn’t sure he was capable, he wanted to change. He wanted to be the parent Eli needed. He wanted to be a better father and son. Maybe he even wanted to be a better brother, even if he wasn’t looking forward to dealing with Joe. But more than that, he wanted to be a better partner to Olivia. Glancing down at the Epi-Tape on his wrists, his mind wandered to thoughts of Olivia in a situation similar to the one he was in earlier tonight. He thought about how long four days must have felt compared to the couple of hours he endured, and the urgent need to see her desperately outweighed everything else.
“What the hell is taking so long?”
“You have somewhere else to be?” the nurse countered.
“Need to wash my hair,” Elliot deadpanned, moments away from becoming the worst patient this poor woman had ever seen. “Seriously. You about done?”
She made a couple of loops and ties before snipping the ends of the last set of sutures. “I am. Careful sitting up, okay? You may be a little dizzy. Stay here and let me get a waterproof bandage to cover those long enough for you to shower when you get home.”
“You think I need a shower?”
“You don’t exactly smell fresh.”
He was struggling to sit up on his own when a low, husky voice came from the open doorway. “So which is worse? Being crucified by a serial killer or by IAB?”
“Anything’s better than dealing with IAB. Still can’t believe you slept with the enemy after I left.”
Shit. His tongue was definitely too loose. He had to be careful until the meds wore off. She’d already set him straight where Ed Tucker was concerned once. He knew better than to make that mistake again. But she was perfect, and she didn’t smell like she’d been battling demons all day. She smelled expensive and sexy and safe, and he thought maybe if he was done with Catholicism he could just join the ranks of those who worshiped at Olivia Benson’s feet.
Elliot’s heart sped up, his senses overwhelmed by her presence, his body aching for the comfort of her touch. She glanced worriedly at the monitor, moving closer to him.
“Easy there, partner.”
Her eyes did a quick inventory of his wrists and abdomen, and she didn’t seem affected at all. Not the way he was. “And for the record, Ed didn’t stay with IAB very long after we started seeing each other.”
“You made him quit?”
She reached out a hand to help him sit up, so Elliot swung his legs around and rolled into a seated position, trying not to wince or groan.
“More like I inspired him to do bigger and better things.”
He didn’t let go of her hand. “Been thinking along those lines myself tonight.”
“Oh?”
“Well, you are pretty inspirational.”
She squeezed his hand in return. “And you, my friend, are a little loopy. How much lorazepam did they give you?”
“Maybe a little too much. I didn’t respond to the first dose.”
Elliot watched her chest rise and fall a little faster, wondering what he’d said that upset her. His eyes made their way to hers, and he was horrified to see them filling with tears.
“I’m sorry,” he blurted.
“For what?” she whispered.
“I don’t know. For whatever’s upsetting you. For not calling you back. For never doing the right thing.”
“You almost always do the right thing, Elliot.”
She tried to pull her hand away and take a step back, batting her eyes rapidly to shut down the emotion. But Elliot didn’t want that. He needed to feel her heart beating. To know she was alive and that he was alive and that she wasn’t giving up on him.
“Don’t go,” he begged, tugging her closer, trying to get her to stand in the space between his knees because he didn’t feel steady enough to be on his feet yet. “I can do better. The nurse and I were talking about it, and I think I can do it. I haven’t been avoiding you. I wasn’t just trying to bury myself in a case. I just didn’t want to disappoint you.”
“Elliot, you’ve had a long day. Let’s just get you home, okay?”
He couldn’t let her see his place. There were all those crime scene photos everywhere, and if she saw it, she would know he had been obsessing over the case. He felt nauseous and lightheaded, and he just wanted to sleep, but he didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to let her out of his sight. He didn’t know what the hell was wrong with him, but he suddenly felt panicked again.
“I don’t want to go to my apartment.”
“Where do you want to go?”
He clammed up. “Just not my place.” She was finally within reach, so he curled an arm around her waist and pulled her in, pressing his forehead against hers. “I know you’re angry, but we can talk about it.”
“I’m not angry.” She inhaled shakily, making a concerted effort to control her breathing. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “That phone call scared me to death, Elliot.”
Oh. Oh. She was worried about him. “Liv, I’m fine. They’re basically just scratches.”
They both knew better.
“He tied you to a metal bar and was planning to…sacrifice you.”
“It’s okay. I’m okay. Someone got there quickly. I was in constant contact with my team. They had my back. They knew the minute he grabbed me.”
Elliot immediately castigated himself for the thoughtless reassurances since her squad hadn’t known when she’d gone missing. They hadn’t gotten there quickly.
But Olivia’s thoughts were as selfless as ever. They were on him.
“But they didn’t know where he took you. What if they hadn’t gotten to you in time?”
“But they did get there. I swear I’m okay.”
He expected her to pull it together quickly. The detective he’d known and the captain he was getting to know would have. But the woman in his arms wasn’t a cop at the moment. She was a different kind of partner, and even though he hated seeing her like this, hated being the cause of her pain, Elliot fell even harder for her when she looped her arms beneath his, strong fingers digging into his back, and tucked her chin onto his shoulder, not even bothering anymore to hide the fact that she was crying.
Bewildered but also a little bewitched, awestruck even, by her open display of emotion and vulnerability, Elliot put his arms around her and just held on. For the first time in three years, he felt like he mattered. And that’s when it hit him. For once, he didn’t feel guilty that he survived. He was just grateful to be alive.
He had always done the best he could when it came to being a good Catholic. He had gone down on his knees in church time and time again and admitted his sins, repented of them, tried to do better, and attempted to make amends. Maybe his beef had never been with God. Maybe it had always been with himself. It occurred to Elliot that maybe it wasn’t even God from whom he still needed absolution. Maybe he needed it from two very different women.
He knew he could never get it directly from Kathy, but maybe he could earn it by way of doing better with their kids because that’s what she would have wanted. They were what she had lived her entire adult life for, and they were, however unfairly, the glue that held their parents’ marriage together all those years. Maybe he could take the guilt and channel it into not just doing better but being better.
Of those two women, one had already been taken from this earth, but the other was still very much flesh and blood, and she was standing right there in the shelter of his embrace, shedding silent tears that simultaneously tore Elliot apart and made him more complete. Tears that somehow both flayed him open and stitched him back together, leaving him in better shape than he’d been in years.
Maybe that nurse had been right. Maybe this was his second chance to make sure the people who loved him knew how much he loved and needed them in return. Maybe it wasn’t impossible to be a good detective and a good husband and father. Maybe someday Olivia would grant him a chance to do it all over again. To do it better. Maybe she would save him from himself.
“I’m here, Liv,” he soothed, tangling his hand in her hair and letting the silkiness of the strands flow through his fingers like holy water. “I’m right here.”
She released a shuddery breath, finally pulling it together. “You could come home with me if you don’t wanna go to your place. I can throw your clothes in the wash for the morning.”
“I was hoping you’d ask.” He reached between them and brushed the last of her tears away before pressing a kiss to her temple.
She was rapidly regaining her equilibrium, looking a little embarrassed by her meltdown. “If you wanted to come over, you could have just asked. You didn’t have to get yourself strung up like Jesus.”
Elliot choked on a laugh, his ribs tight and achy, still not quite at peace enough with his faith to tempt fate by giving in to her moment of abject irreverence. “You know who you’d really like if you got to know her?”
“Who?” Olivia asked, steadying him as he got to his feet.
“Jet.”
“Who do you think called me?”
“Figures because that sounds exactly like something she’d say. He didn’t string me up like Jesus.”
“You were in the basement of Our Lady of Perpetual Help. He was going to inflict the wounds of Christ upon you.”
“So Jet was chatty tonight.”
“Jet’s always chatty when she reports in on you. Do you have to go chasing after serial killers? Can you not just spend time with your grandsons like a normal person when you’re suspended?”
“Wait, what?”
“Can you try to slip your feet in your shoes, please?”
“You have Jet spying on me?”
“That’s the Ativan making you paranoid.”
Elliot blinked at her, his mind still a little foggy. “But you said –”
“I was joking, El.”
The nurse finally reappeared. “Sorry it took so long to track all of this down. You must be his partner. Captain Olivia. You’re right, Detective. She is beautiful. But I don’t think she’s completely out of your league. You have a certain charm about you.”
Olivia raised her eyebrows, and Elliot flushed a little, feeling exposed.
After making quick work of Elliot’s two chest wounds, the nurse handed a bag of tape and bandages to Olivia. “You may want to change those on his wrist after he showers. Instructions are in there for wound and pain management.”
When they were alone again, Olivia clocked him wincing as he moved his wrists to button his shirt, so she stepped forward to do it for him.
“Jet said you were asking for me when she drove you here. That you didn’t want me to hear about it on the scanner or from someone else.” Her eyes met his as she finished the final button.
“I didn’t tell her that we were…”
“I’m not upset. I was just going to say that I appreciate it. You thinking of me. Her calling me.”
“I know it may not seem like it, but I’m always thinking of you, Liv.”
Her face tipped into a shy smile, taking years off her appearance and reminding Elliot of their first year together as partners. He hadn't exaggerated. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on, and he hoped he really could worship at her feet every day for the rest of his life. That he could put in the work and earn the forgiveness she had already so freely given him. That he could be her home the same way she was his.
She brushed the softest kiss across his lips, stroking his cheek with her knuckles.
“Let’s go home, Elliot.”