Chapter Text
Sydney had a few memories from her childhood that were so clear in her mind she could take herself back to those moments instantly at will, and working for the Chicago Transit Authority, CTA, in a tiny booth, gave her plenty of time to do so.
There was this memory she had of her dad and a six years old Sydney playing in the kitchen, while he made dinner for them. He wasn't the best cook - and he knew, but that didn't mean that it was less fun. He would always pick her up, showing her the steps to everything he was cooking.
Sydney with her little hands clasped together and eyes blinking focused on the water starting to bubble. She'd go ahead and grab the pasta, but her dad would stop her just as she was about to grab a handful to cook.
He'd say "Not yet, little bug. Not yet."
It was no secret she was impatient. Something she tried to keep it under control her whole life until she couldn't.
There was also the moment when her dad watched her play with her fake fruit and kitchen accessories in her aunt Simone’s living room.
There were other memories too, her mind was filled with those, all playing out in an overly saturated, idealized movie in her mind whenever she had a down moment. Her first solo baked carrot cake, family cookouts under a scorching sun in the summer and endless visits to the Brookfield Zoo. Being inside on snow days and catching her dad’s awful singing in the kitchen and his intricate stories before bed.
Unfortunately there were other memories that liked to wiggle their way into her mind on a daily basis too, memories that were a lot less pleasant and even more insistent.
She had flashes for her mom’s face. It’s been so long she actually didn’t really know if the face she saw it’s actually her or if was a made up version with the photos around the house or the stories and details her dad loves to tell her.
Sometimes she got frustrated because she felt like she was losing her memories.
Her dad had always told her stories of the two of them, of her and her mom before everything went downhill and for a moment, Sydney pictures herself in that moment, happy and safe, having no clue what would come next. She felt peaceful and safe. It was a good feeling.
Growing up, Sydney didn’t have much going on, she didn’t have any traditional talent – she was a terrible player in any sport and awful with math and science. One thing she loved to really do was cooking, it was something that she learned very early in life.
After high school she was certain she would be an amazing chef and work in the best restaurants in town and maybe in the country. She did everything she could possibly do. She went to CIA (Culinary Institute of America), worked under the best chefs in the state of New York, also staged for restaurants in the east coast. Even went for a summer in the Hamptons as a private chef, to which she swears was the most horrible experience in her life.
After gathering a substantial amount of experience, she went back to Chicago to finally open her own catering, Sheridan Road Catering, an ode to the time when she worked for UPS for three months – which didn’t work out because she had an awful sense of direction, especially during rush-hour.
Sheridan Road was her baby, she really thought she was making her dreams come true, and it was fine for a while. Until it wasn’t. She failed spectacularly. Bills started to get to her and her savings, right at the time her father fell ill. Turned out he had a bad case of ulcer, so he had to be in the hospital for weeks and undergo heavy, expensive treatment.
And her dad was an amazing father, sensitive and funny and kind. His only flaw was that he trusted her just a little too much. She had known it that time in high school when she climbed out the window to sneak out to smoke in the park nearby and she knew when he didn't keep talking her ear off when she moved back in to his house after shit went down.
With all that happening, all she could think about was how she was failing in life. She hated herself and she hated that nothing was going for her.
All of her five-year plans were thrown out of the window.
After going back and forth on her list of pros and cons of trying to save her failing business, Sydney decided to declare bankruptcy of her catering company. It was the best thing she could do at that moment. She packed everything, moved back to her dad’s house and got a job at the Chicago Transit Authority, which seemed like the best way to get her credit score back up.
Sydney started working every paying holiday, every weekend, covering sick days and colleague’s holidays. Then, six months into a hectic routine, her dad passed away, leaving her alone in the world.
Sure she had her aunts living down south, but it wasn't the same. Her dad was the only parent she knew and his passing really took a toll on her.
She started seeing a therapist who helped her a little after a couple of months of her just leaving the house to work because she absolutely needed.
So she got back to work at the CTA, trying to make enough money she could so something other than just collect tokens. Week after week, she tried to find joy in doing things she used to find joy before.
The first time she cooked in her dad's kitchen brought up so many memories, Sydney almost didn't finish making a simple risotto.
She cried until she fell asleep.
The next time she tried, it was a little bit better. She made a steak tartare, distracting herself with reruns of the office and new girl in between.
Time passed, and Sydney found solace in cooking, a way to honor all her parents had sacrificed for her education and dreams.
Working at the CTA gave her enough to keep herself afloat and she was thankful for that.
Her job was tedious, of course, but at least she could use that time to work on her recipes and keep an eye on possible job opportunities she might come across.
She kept her little black notebook close, always scribbling ingredients, seasonings and ways of cooking she hadn’t thought about it before yet.
If she was lucky enough, her friend Naomi from her CIA days, would let her use her kitchen to test some recipes.
When she wasn’t doing that, or daydreaming about the past, she was daydreaming about her future husband.
Now, Mikey didn’t exactly know Sydney, or that she existed at all. In fact, Mikey didn’t even know her name. She only knew his because on one of her morning shifts, she overheard him speaking on the phone with someone and he confirmed his name twice. Mikey Berzatto.
To be fair, Mikey wasn’t exactly what she usually went for in a guy – though she always claimed to never have a type, but there were certain things she never saw herself drawn to, like older guys.
She could tell Mikey wasn’t that much older than her, only maybe ten to fifteen years? That was barely considered ‘much’. And his features weren’t the usual nerds or fuck boys she went out with, so, there was that. But he was still a handsome dude. Yes, he was older, but not the creepy kind.
She was dying to know how a life by his side would be like.
Sydney couldn’t help but notice how charming and hot he was. And the older look gave him an extra charm she could not point explicitly.
She blamed it on his Italian genes. He was taller than her and he had distinctive eyebrows and a nose she wasn’t sure if it made him hotter or no.
She hadn’t seen him fully laugh, only witnessed a polite smile or a smirk from afar when he exchanged amenities with another stranger. His angular jaw was almost always covered by a stubble and a shy dimple appeared when he grinned. All that was framed by short dark wavy hair that always looked well kept. Never an inch longer than intended.
And she didn’t even mention his arms. She could tell the guy was jacked. It’ be hard not to fall for him.
She knew he was polite and chivalrous. She would watch him from as far as he always paused to let others go before him when boarding and sometimes when she leaned just right she could see him through the window, offering his seat to someone older than him or a mom dragging kids along.
His dark hair would flop a bit when he was late and running to catch the train, and eyes that she just knew were kind despite the limited eye contact they had shared. Even the way he slung his backpack over one shoulder was ridiculously attractive to her.
So far the extent of their conversation had been the muttered ‘yuh’ she had responded with when he asked her if he had just missed the train (which he hadn’t, a second later, they both heard the raucous noise of the train announcing itself at the horizon) and that was the most she got to a word with him, but she didn’t let that stop her from admiring him from afar.
She had everything laid down on her mind. There was gonna be a day he was gonna be late enough to miss the 5am train and he’d come to her booth to make conversation until the next one. She would make him laugh and he would make her laugh. The train would come and he’d wave her goodbye before disappearing behind the metallic doors. Then the next day he would come to her willingly to talk and he’d know how funny and adorable she was and ask her out.
Mike would meet her at Kasama and where they’d talk about their hopes and dreams, realizing they were made for each other. He would kiss her outside her place and the rest would be the story she would tell their kids before bed, much like her dad did with her.
Sydney was well aware that her fantasies of a future romance with this random commuter probably weren’t the healthiest way to deal with her incredibly depressing current reality, but she also couldn’t bring herself to care that much.
Surely, it was a harmless (and mortifying when described out loud, which she would never do) distraction?
Then it all changed.
It started when she lost her arguments when her boss, Mr. Bering, offered the post of employee of the month. But there wasn’t any bonification with the title and she suspected heavily that he only did that so it would be hard for her to say no.
‘C’mon, help me out, Sydney’
‘But I planned other things for christmas, this year i even bought a tree and everything–’
‘I know and I'm so sorry to put you in this position, but I really don’t have anyone else to rely on’
She sighed. ‘Fine.’ Mr. Bering smiled big.
She had only herself to blame for that one.
It was cold and her booth didn’t exactly have a working heater, so she had to layer up. She had a wool scarf around her neck and head, pairing with favorite red fingerless mittens.
The weeks before Christmas were hectic and stressing with families coming and going, tourists confused about their train system repeating the same questions over and over put her on edge. Christmas days were usually calm, a lot of people were out of town and the remaining usually didn’t dare to go out in such bad weather.
It was a typical Christmas day in Chicago. Warnings of strong winds and potential lower temperatures were everywhere. Clouds covered the whole sky, giving the whole city a dull grey color.
It was around twelve and Sydney had barely seen anyone yet. It was quiet, she could only hear the gushes of wind echoing in the almost empty platform. She heard footsteps coming up the stairs and lifted her head from her notebook, curious to see who would dare to go out in that kind of weather.
To her surprise, he was coming her way. Mikey’s large strides get to her booth sooner than she anticipated and she couldn’t help but notice that he looked nicer than she usually saw him in, more put together. He had a long wool coat on, a black wool scarf around his neck and a warm sweater underneath. Dressed up for the special day.
“Merry Christmas” He said. His smile was polite, but wider than usual. Sydney gaped dumbly at the smiling guy.
“M-Merry Christmas!” Her voice came out high pitched, which had her immediately feeling her face burn in embarrassment.
Mikey for his part didn’t seem unphased by her demeanor. He simply slid a single Hershey’s kiss wrapped in bright red foil into the tiny opening in her booth window, winked and walked away to wait for his train that was due at any moment now.
Sydney’s brain fog finally seemed to catch up with the current moment and she reached out to clutch the chocolate in her hand.
They weren’t supposed to take gifts from people, especially not edible ones, which was very practical advice that didn’t take into account the fact that it was a gift from her future husband.
Sydney sat down and let out a frustrated groan before covering her face with her hands. She was so pathetic, she could die.
When she finally dared to look up again, her eyes naturally scanned around for him. She found his familiar silhouette at his usual platform, his brows furrowed as he typed on his phone. Sydney’s lips curved on a grin as she noticed his lips mouthed the words as he’s typing. Cute as hell.
Just seconds later, she saw two men suddenly crowded him as they took Mikey’s phone out of his hands, pushing him further on the edge of the platform. They argued and Mikey yelled back at them, his whole face twisted in an anger she hadn’t seen him portray yet.
Sydney got up and got out of her booth, running to the source of trouble, not even thinking she was a lot smaller than them and she could be seriously hurt in the process of breaking up the robbery.
It was all very fast. Just as she was reaching out to Mikey and the two men, shouting as she tried to scare them away, she saw Mikey being pushed harder and losing balance. The next thing she knew, he fell over the edge and on the tracks.
The men fled before she could do anything and she was left with the hard task at hand. Her heart was pounding so hard on her ears, she thought it was the train rattling on the tracks.
She knelt down on the edge of the platform and started calling out to him, her head lifting to see if the train was already coming.
“Mr. Berzatto! M-Michael! Michael! Hey, Mikey! You have to get out of there!” She yelled, not seeing much change on him. “Please, wake up!” She looked up at hearing the distinctive sound of the metal screeching. “Fuck, fuckity fuck, fuck” She looked down once before closing her eyes. “Fuck me on this fucking day, fuck!!”
Sydney took a deep breath and jumped next to him, cursing all the while. She grabbed him by the collar of his big coat and desperately tried to shake him awake.
“Fuck, Mikey, c’mon! Wake the fuck up, you can die here, I couldn’t die saving you” She looked up and saw the train approaching in fast, she couldn’t believe she was going to fucking die on Christmas day.
She was so stupid, what was she thinking, jumping after Mikey like that?
The loud rattle of metal on metal waked her up from her reverie. She had to act fast if she wants to survive.
Sydney gave the train behind her one more glance and then, she used all her strength to pull Mikey to the gap between the tracks and the platform.
They rolled to their left and Sydney brought Mikey over her body, closing her eyes shut, praying God they didn’t get crushed under the train.
The noise was deafening and she grabbed Mikey’s jacket so hard, her fingers started going numb. She was hugging him with all her might.
When the train rumbled passed them, the first thing she heard were voices shouting at her, getting louder and louder until she opened her eyes. She let out a loud, relieved sigh.
She was alive. But Mikey…
Mikey’s face was resting against her chest, still unconscious. She got off from under him, crawling off the gap. Her legs were wobbly and her hands were shaking miserably, but she was alive, with barely a scratch.
So much for an uneventful Christmas.
Things happened very fast after that and her mind couldn’t keep up with all that’s happening.
Someone must have gotten through to the people running the trains because not only does another one not appear, but suddenly there were lots of people on the tracks beside her, asking her a lot of questions she couldn’t quite manage to answer and prodding at Mikey who still wasn’t reacting at all.
Then someone, Cal from maintenance was beside her speaking to a radio.
Before she could fully process the situation, Mikey’s strapped to some kind of plastic board and was being lifted back up to the platform, arms appearing to do the same to her too. A few moments later Mikey was being carried toward a waiting ambulance and Sydney was trailing along after him, not really knowing what else to do.
She was smart enough to know somewhere in the back of her mind that she was probably in some sort of shock and she was completely sick with worry over Mikey. The only thing she could think to do was just stay with him until someone tell her she couldn’t be anymore. She expected that to happen any second only...it just didn’t.
Nobody tried to stop her when she followed behind his stretcher in a daze.
Nobody tried to stop her when she climbed into the ambulance and sat next to him the whole way, holding his hand.
Nobody tried to stop her when she went right along with him into the emergency room, bypassing the first waiting room and heading for...well, heading for wherever they were taking him.
It wasn’t until she reached the final set of doors between her and the ICU that her luck ran out.
“Excuse me,” A man in a long white coat appeared between her and the door and Sydney peered over his shoulder anxiously as she watched Mikey disappear down the hallway on the other side. “You couldn’t go in there.”
“But-” Sydney struggled to break through the fog in her mind to find the right words to say to change his mind. “But I’m with him.”
The man seemed to be only half listening, glancing between Sydney’s face and the clipboard he was holding.
“Are you his guardian?” The man, who she now realizes had to be a doctor, asked impatiently.
Sydney stared at him blankly.
“His next of kin?” The doctor tried, before sighing and waving his hand as though that would let the words sink in for her faster. “Are you family?”
“Oh,” Sydney suddenly felt very small, standing alone in the hallway of the same hospital where her dad...she banished the thought as quickly as it came. “No, no I’m just…”
“It’s family only past this point,” He interrupted. “If you wait back there someone will update you after the family arrives and we know more.”
Then she watched him disappear behind the swing doors. On it there’s a blue sign ‘Only Authorized Personnel From This Point.’
Sydney was frozen in place, trying to catch up with what was happening.. then it hit her. She had almost died, and Mikey… Sweet and adoring Mikey, who had brought her Christmas-themed Hershey’s kiss, was…he was-
“Oh, darling, don’t mind him.” Sydney whipped her head back at the voice. “He’s just-” The woman sighed, resigned. She had a different colored scrubs than the rude doctor. “A jerk sometimes. Oh, don’t cry” Only then, Sydney realized her face was damp with tears. “It’ll be alright, he’ll be okay” She consoled Sydney, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. “I heard you were with the man that fell over the platform, was he your friend? Boyfriend?”
Sydney’s voice barely got out. “I-I was supposed to marry him”
The nurse sighed sympathetically and Sydney’s just about to clarify that she didn’t actually know Mikey when the woman pulled out an ID card and scanned it determinedly.
“Come on,” She whispered, gesturing for Sydney to follow her.
Sydney’s mind was still foggy from it all, but she followed the nurse through the same doors she saw the rude doctor disappear through.
She knew she shouldn’t go, she had to explain the whole situation, but she convinced herself that she was doing it once she was sure Mikey wasn’t alone until his loved ones get there. She wanted to explain what happened to them as well, she felt like it’s her responsibility to look after him.
Worst case scenario, the rude doctor would throw her out and that would be the end of it.
She hated hospitals. From all the time she had to spend there beside her dad, hating the way the medication they gave him made him feel like shit in the beginning, she couldn’t think of a reason to even stepped into one until it was absolutely necessary. But there she was.
The nurse, who’s a couple of steps in front of her, suddenly stopped by a door towards the end of the hallway. She had a sympathetic smile on her lips that made Sydney feel bad for the lie she told.
Inside the room, Mikey was laying on a bed, impossibly still. Apart from the gown he’s wearing, he had the same face he had when she saw him on the tracks. Which meant a good thing, right?
“He’s going to be fine”
Sydney jumped when she heard another voice behind her. It was a different doctor from before, presumably by the white coat he’s wearing. He was shorter than her and, as the nurse that helped her, he had a fond smile on his face. She glanced around only to see that the nurse had apparently disappeared while she was staring at Mikey.
“Pam let me know that you’re the fiancée,” The man said in a gruff yet kind tone. “The MRI came back clean and we don’t see any significant swelling, which was frankly a miracle. We couldn’t say exactly when he’ll wake up but we have no reason to think there will be permanent damage.”
Sydney sighed in relief. She was so happy to hear that things with Mikey would likely turn out ok that it took her a solid 30 seconds to process the first part of what he had said.
“Why don’t you go in and sit beside him? It’s good for patients to know they’re not alone”
She blinked a few times, “W-Wait, what did you just said?”
“It’s good for patients to-”
“No, the other part, whose fiancée?”
The doctor frowned, confused and points to the bed. “His”
Sydney shook her head and opens her mouth to protest the confusion when a cop showed up behind the doctor, interrupting their conversation.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, I know this is a difficult time, but I need to get a statement.” The cop said, earning him a confused look from the doctor.
“My patient couldn’t give you a statement.” He said. “He’s on a low level coma”
The cop shook his head and jerks him thumb to Sydney.
“Not his, from the person who saved him” The doctor turned his head to Sydney.
“I thought she was his fiancée” Sydney shook her head.
“Well, uh, I-” She was cut off by the cop
“Woah, she was his fiancée and she saved him? What a story!”
“No, that’s not-”
She was never taking the holiday shifts ever again.
“Family’s here!” the nurse, well, Pam, announced when she approached them with no less than four people crowding her. She stepped aside and then suddenly the room was filled with raucous voices. Sydney stepped back to the corner, watching people go over a peaceful Mikey.
“Mikey! Oh God!” A blond woman said, her hands touching his face lightly.
“Holy shit” Another one said.
“He’s fine” the doctor’s voice sounded a bit louder. The whole group of people turned to listen. “He’s a low level coma, his screens are clear, we won’t know more until he waked up”
“When will he wake up?” the blond woman asked, behind her a tall man squeezed her shoulders in a calming way.
“We don’t know yet” A collective gasp silenced the room. A tall, blue-eyed man steps forward, his hand touching Mikey’s feet.
“Is he brain dead, doctor? Tell me straight” The doctor shook his head.
“He’s alive, he’s in a coma because his brain was too swollen. His MRI and CT are clear. We don’t have reason to believe there’ a significant trauma.” The tall man sighed in relief and glanced at Mikey’s face.
“Damn it, man” he said as he turned to the other companion. “We’re gonna have to tell Donna”
The blonde young woman closed her eyes and grumbled “Fuck”
Sydney quietly slipped towards the doorway where a disgruntled Pam’s still hovering.
“Did you tell the doctor I’m his fiancée?” she hissed as quietly as she could manage to her. Pam shrugged and nodded.
“Yeah, why?”
Sydney’s eyes bugged out as she attempted to control the volume of her voice.
“Because I don’t even know him,” She whispered, leaning in closer as her voice dropped even more. “I just saw him around work sometimes.”
Now it was Pam’s turn to let her eyes widen to what would be comical levels in a different situation.
“So why did you tell me you were planning on marrying him?!” She whispered back in a frantic rush.
“I was joking!” Sydney insisted, her voice going a higher pitch. “I was nervous too, if you didn’t notice, I too almost died under that fucking train!” She took a breath. “Look, all I have is a crush on him, it didn’t mean anything.”
Pam pops one hand on her hip.
“Look, I appreciate an aspirational statement as much as the next woman, but next time you want to joke about being engaged to a coma patient, don’t!”
Sydney was about to come up with some kind of a retort to that about how she had been under a lot of stress or possibly just slip past Pam and disappear out of the room and hopefully off the face of the Earth, when the doctor brought the attention rushing quickly back to her.
“As I was just telling his fiancée-”
“Fiancée?” The blond woman wearing a flower patterned blouse pushes and a black wool coat through the other people crowding around Mikey’s bed to approach the doctor. “What fiancée?”
The doctor, the cop and Mikey’s entire family all swiveled their heads in her direction and Sydney felt a rush of panic wash over her. Pam had of course managed to disappear again so she was clearly not going to be any help.
“That fiancée,” The doctor pointed at Sydney who’s busy wishing she could melt into the floor.
“She jumped on the tracks,” The cop added enthusiastically. “She saved his life!”
The tall, blue-eyed man joined the woman by the doctor’s side, giving Sydney an incredulous look.
“You fucking jumped on the fucking tracks?” He asked.
“Richie, language” The blond woman said, her eyes focused on Sydney.
Sydney nodded, taking a deep breath as she prepared to begin the very awkward conversation she knew she needed to have.
“Yes, I did, but I think there’s been a misunderstand-”
Before she could finish her sentence the woman with the blonde hair crossed the room and pulled her into a tight hug. Sydney barely had time to register what’s happening before the woman was pulling back and reaching up to cradle Sydney’s face between her hands.
“Oh thank you” she said through tears. “Fuck, you are so brave!”
“Nat, language” Richie reminded her, but she just flipped the bird to him. She took Sydney’s hands in hers.
“I didn’t know Mikey had a girlfriend, let alone a whole fiancée, but that little shit never told me anything, I always have to drag it out of him. I couldn’t believe he never even mentioned anything about you, I’m so sorry,” Nat said, even though Sydney could barely catch up with what she was saying, she only wanted to explain it. “I could kill the motherfucker”
“Nat” The other man, the one who’s near her, said. “Breathe”
She sighed. “Sorry, Pete, is just he never told me anything!”
Sydney couldn’t barely speak before, now she couldn’t say anything at all. She looked up, at to the unfamiliar faces that were staring back at her with such admiration, well, everyone but Richie.
“I’m glad he’s okay, but, like I said, I’m not who you think I am”
“You saved Mikey’s life, right?” the short guy with a mustache and a hat asked her.
Sydney nodded reluctantly “Yes, but..”
“And you’re gonna marry my brother, aren’t you?”
“That was the plan, but…” she trailed off, glancing around at the hopeful faces watching back at her.
She just couldn’t expose herself as a fraud and cause more drama on top of the major one. Maybe she could just let them think she was her fiancée for a few hours, then Mikey would wake up and clear all up.
Hopefully she’d be far, far away and she would be nothing more than a weird, but funny anecdote from the worst day of their lives.
It was the only plan crossing her mind at that moment that didn’t include a humiliation and needless pain for the people she had just met.
“Yeah,” She finally said. “I-I’m Mikey’s fiancée”
The next half-hour was yet another blur from Sydney’s perspective. The doctor briefed the family, which suddenly, terrifyingly, seemed to include her. The cop took her statement, pushing her for more details as she tried to recall what exactly had happened during her brief, ill-advised brush with heroism.
“It took a lot of guts to jump on the tracks with a train coming,” He observed, shaking his head in disbelief. “But I guess if it’s your one true love down there...that changes things.”
Sydney cringed then tried to hide it, ending up with what she was pretty sure was only a slightly less pained smile.
“Yeah, I guess it does.”
She was formally introduced to the four people there. The blond woman was Natalie, Nat, Mikey’s sister. The tall man behind her was Pete, her husband. Then, the short guy wearing a hat was Fak, family friend and last, Richie, who self-proclaimed himself as the family cousin, but apparently they had not blood ties.
Natalie – who insisted in being called just Nat, excused herself to make two phone calls: the first one to both Mikey and Nat’s younger brother, Carmy. Richie calls him jagoff. Apparently he’s in New York, and Nat wants him near, in case things goes south. The other phone call was more delicate and Sydney could feel the tension in the air when they mention their mother’s name, Donna.
Pete told her Donna was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and assured Sydney she was much better than before, when he had first met her. But that Nat still felt all the stress whenever they talked.
Carmy had just lighted up his cigarette outside the house boat when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He grunted before deciding on checking it.
In his hand, a picture of him and Nat took up the whole screen. They had talked a bit at Thanksgiving and he initially thinks she was calling because it was Christmas morning.
She’d usually call when she knew he’d be home. And he’d promptly ignore the call.
His thumb hovered over the red button, but after seeing she had called over 15 times, he decided to answer it.
“Hello? Damn it Carmy, I’ve been calling you for forever”
He pressed his lips together and blew up a smoke.
“What is it, Nat? Is it something with Ma? Is she okay?”
“Well, wouldn’t you like to know, you little asshole? I’ve been trying to reach you-”
His throat started closing off, his heart hammered in his chest so hard he felt in his ears.
“Nat?! Nat!!”
He heard her sigh heavily.
“It’s Mike. It’s bad, Carm, you have to come.”
The first thing he did was look for the next flight out to Chicago.
It’s bad, she said. He had to get there soon as possible.
He found an outrageously expensive flight and he bought it without thinking twice.
The only thing was that the last flight of the day, at 10pm.
Next, he had to tell Chef Terry. She’d understand.
He biked his way to the restaurant as fast as he could. The unforgiven weather of New York made his hands turning blue because he had forgotten his mittens.
When he got there, Chef Terry’s in the office, staring intently at the laptop in front of her.
The staff had planned a Christmas dinner, but he had heard she was gonna come in early to check on her herbs, a hobby she had taken seriously and had now turned into a full time job.
“Chef, good thing you’re early” She said turning to her side to where Carmy was, his chest’s heaving, he let out a ragged breath and walked to her.
Terry notices the spreading red on his cheeks. His piercing blue eyes wide. He still had a professional posture just like any other day. It intrigued her.
“Chef Berzatto? Carmy, what is it?”
“It’s my brother, Mikey. He’s in bad shape and his in a coma. My sister didn’t say much, only that’s bad. I-”
“You should go, obviously. Family first.” Carmy nodded. “You should’ve just called me, you didn’t have to come all the way here.”
“I just wanted to tell you in person. I’m sorry, Chef.”
“Don’t be silly, you have nothing to worry about.” Carmy stared at her. “Go, you have to be with your family, now.” She notices him just standing there. “You can go, Chef”
As if finally hearing the command from his Chef, Carmy waked from his reverie and turned around to leave.
“Carmy” He turned back around. “We’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.” Chef Terry gave him a warm smile and Carmy tried his best to return it, but he could only grimace.
When he got to his bike he looked down at his hands and notices it was shaking.
He got to the airport earlier than he should, but he didn’t mind. Being at home waiting until it was time would only drive him crazy.
While he walked through the crowd, he tried not to think about what he’s leaving behind or the stress he’ll certainly going to face ahead.
Around him, there were the most variable types of people, he notices. There were the ones that shouted, while others groaned loudly in frustration. Some, to his left, were simply silent and on his other side, he could see a few people in such a hurry they could barely realize what’s happening.
His body’s just now coming down with all the stress he’s enduring.
He taps his fingers on his thigh involuntarily. He’s dying for a cigarette. Fuck, he could kill for it.
For now he just tried to focus in finding his gate and sit. His mind’s still racing, a billion possibilities crossing his mind and how everything could go south until he’s in Chicago. It was too much, he had to stop overthinking it.
It was draining having to deal with all of it. Tired of thinking about everything. His past, present and future and what he should’ve done and what he did and didn’t do.
After a couple of hours, he went a floor up to get a sandwich and diet coke. He found a open area that he could smoke after that. It calmed him for a moment, that’s all he asked.
A couple of hours later, he passed by security then by all the duty-free shops and followed the signs to his gate. Tons of people around him did the same, in all directions.
He found seating close to his gate. He sat, jotting a new text to Nat, asking if there’s any change. There wasn’t.
Carmy sighed and relaxed on his seat. He stretched his neck, feeling his muscles relax at his movements. He felt his back and shoulders tighter than his usual and tried to stretch to relieve some of the pressure.
When he finished, he closed his eyes, sighing heavily. When he opened it again, he couldn’t help but look outside.
From the big windows of JFK airport, he could see the tiny silhouette of the town in the distance in a clear day.
It wasn’t the case today. It was late December, it was all white and just after Christmas. It was just dull.
He had heard on the speakers that a few flights had been delayed and even canceled, hundreds of people wishing they’d be anywhere else too.
He prayed his didn’t get delayed, he needed to be in Chicago.
A few feet away from him, Carmy saw people sleeping on the floor, another group in a circle, laughing in their Christmas pajamas.
A seat apart from his, there was a mom and a daughter. The kid didn’t seem older than five and was fussing over a doll her mom had put in the checked luggage. The mom seemed tired. The little girl pouted and looked like she was about to cry. Carmy looked away.
He set an alarm on his phone, then closed his eyes, trying to get a nap until the boarding. When he waked up, there’s already a queue.
On the plane, his body just shut off, like it was just waiting a calm place to relax. It wasn’t ideal, but was shy 3 hour flight ahead of him, so he didn’t fight the sleep he needed.
When Nat came back to the room, Pete went to her, checking if she was okay. Nat just nodded and gave him a fond smile. Then she turned to Sydney, still smiling.
“God, you must be feeling totally lost, right?”
Sydney shrugged, shaking her head. “A bit, but it’s okay.”
“It’s late, you should go be with your family, you might still enjoy what’s left of Christmas day”
“I-uh, don’t have anything to go back to” she said, “My mom died when I was a kid and, um, my dad passed just in the beginning of the year”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Sydney, must be tough for you this time of year” Nat grabbed her hand. “Look, we were doing something small this year, I was gonna go spend Christmas at Pete’s parents, but we still have somethings at home.”
“Oh no, please”
“Richie told me they were gonna go to the beef and have a proper Christmas dinner over there and I know it was gonna be very nice, but I was thinking that maybe you could come spend the night over mine?”
Sydney initially was going to say no, for obvious reasons, but Nat and Pete have been so kind to her.
“It’s all last minute, but I hope you accept it”
“I-I don’t know, Nat” Sydney’s eyes went from Nat to Pete, who was giving her an encouragement grin.
“We’ll keep it small, of course.”
Richie, who was outside smoking, came in just in time and glance at everyone’s faces.
“Who died?”
“Richie!” Nat reprimand. Richie shrugged and came in closer. “I was inviting Sydney to our improvised Christmas dinner.” Fak heard the last part and his face lights up.
“Hey Nat, can I bring my brothers and Francie?”
Nat rolled her eyes and turned so she could face Fak.
“No, Sweetie, you absolutely cannot bring Francie Fak into my home” she answered in a soft and kind voice. “It’s too late, so that’s a no to the twins too” Fak huffed, but didn’t say anything. Nat turned back to Sydney. “See? Small.”
Sydney thought some more, but if she was being honest, it didn’t look like Mikey’s anywhere near waking up, so maybe she could let herself indulge in a little Christmas dinner. Then she would dip and never show her face again.
“Fine, I’ll go” She accepted and Nat hugged her. It felt awkward at the first time she did it, but Sydney was slowly easing up to Nat’s way.
Sydney told Nat she was going to go home first to change, since she was still wearing her work clothes. The back of her jacket still had dirt from the platform. She was desperately in need of a long, long shower.
On her way out, Pam, gave her a box and Sydney didn’t have much of a choice unless take it. She recognized the coat and scarf Mikey was wearing earlier. Looking at the bottom, she saw other personal items. Sydney couldn’t keep any of that.
To her surprise, Pam had already disappeared through the hallways, leaving Sydney confused and frustrated.
When she got to the elevator, a guy came up to her. He’s tall and he seems around her age.
“Hey, these are Mikey’s stuff” he said as he got out of the elevator and Sydney got in. “Do you know where he is staying?”
Sydney sighed and turned around, facing the guy. “Room 607, fifth door on your left”
The elevator chimed in and the doors started closing, Sydney almost closed her eyes in relief, but the guy stopped the doors just in time. She grunted in frustration.
“Wait, how do you know Mikey?”
Her voice’s tired when she answered “I’m his fiancée” The guy’s eyes bugged out.
“Fiancée? Mikey?” She straightened her posture and nodded. “Wow, that’s crazy! He never said anything to us. Hey did he tell you that one time I burned his butt off when I was trying the blowtorch? I totally didn’t see him behind me!”
“Okay?”
The elevator chimed in again. God, that’s awful. She just wanted to go home! Not listen yet another story about Mikey.
It all started to feel like she was in some sort of nightmare.
“And he said he forgave me, but man, I swear I didn’t see him I just didn’t”
Sydney nodded. “I believe you, hey, I need to go” the elevator chimes in and the guy nodded, taking his foot out of the door. “Nice to meet you, uh…”
“Marcus!”
“Great, nice to meet you, Marcus” the elevator closed and Sydney groans, closing her eyes.
This was gonna be a nightmare.
The way home was peaceful, thankfully, all she needs to unwind from the hellish day she had had. When she got home, her cat, meow, greeted her a bit annoyed for spending the whole day away.