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Jesper exhaled heavily as his body hit the mattress with a resounding thud, his eyes fluttering closed. All his muscles tensed at once, aching for a minute or two before they started slowly relaxing against the soft cloud beneath. As much as Kaz's bed could be called a cloud, but with how worn out Jesper felt he was sure even the wooden floor could resemble the most comfortable wool blankets and silks he had back at the house if he laid on it long enough. Just for a second, he wished he made his way back to the Geldstraat, but his legs would probably give out halfway. And if Wylan saw him like that he'd most likely be pissed.
He was still going to be, but it would be easier to bear If he returned in the morning. Especially if someone else took half the blame.
“Saints…” Jesper muttered tiredly, his mind easing along with his body, ready to drift off.
He'd be out like a light if not for the sudden forceful shove to his ankle with the familiar weight of a cane. His face twisted in a grimace and a soft grunt escaped his lips, but he stayed otherwise unmoving. Before he could even properly register the first one, there came another shove, harder this time. One of his eyes cracked open just slightly.
“What?”
“Get up” came Kaz's rough voice, equally tired as his own but with an additional irritated edge “You're bleeding all over my sheets”
Kaz was hovering near the foot of the bed like a tall shadow. His coat was already off, thrown onto the armchair in the corner, his bloodied leather gloves discarded on the wash basin next to the dresser for a more thorough clean later. There was still dried blood on his face, his bottom lip split, and a bruise forming on his jaw where he was punched less than an hour ago, a shallow cut on his cheekbone as well as on his arm.
He and Jesper had just got back to the Slat from “negotiations” with a rival gang. A new one in the Barrel, appeared not long after Pekka vanished, trying to get a slice of the leftover pie of discarded territory that Kaz had already acquired and they weren't happy with it. “Shards” they called themselves, assembled of remaining solitary members of Dime Lions and discarded traitors from other gangs. Almost every single one with a vendetta against Dirtyhands and his new rule. Their tattoo that of a knife with a cracked blade made up of pieces of broken glass.
Jesper was told to stay in the shadows as negotiations took place and only step in when necessary, since Kaz wanted to handle the problem with a one-on-one conversation with the leader and maybe a mild threat. Since he had a reputation, he figured it would do. But it quickly turned out that's not what Shards had in mind. Who would've guessed. Eight other men stepped behind their leader after just a few exchanged words, with various weapons in their hands, ready to bring Kaz's reign to an end. Jesper didn't wait for a sign as his revolvers spun and settled against his palms. The first shot was his own. Kaz didn't even flinch.
Jesper scoffed “As if they hadn't already seen better days” he grumbled, annoyed, pushing himself up on his elbows.
Kaz gave him an unimpressed look “I didn't ask your opinion” he said simply, then passed his splayed body on his way to the small bathroom connected to the room. “And it’s not the sheets I’m concerned with” he muttered, disappearing in the door, his cane giving a familiar thump against the floor.
Jesper's brows drew in a frown as he looked after him then took in the bed and the sight of himself on it. His mouth formed an “o” as he realized. Right. He was, indeed, still bleeding. Despite trying to keep his distance and mainly use his guns there were a few blades thrown his way that he didn't manage to dodge and his Grisha powers were too focused on directing bullets to take care of it for him. None of his wounds were the life-threatening kind but they weren't pretty either.
And through all of the exhaustion, he completely forgot about the pain. Now he was reminded of it and winced as he sat back up.
First, he pushed the jacket off his shoulders, already making his peace with the fact it was ruined. His Fabricator powers had gotten better with the help of training with the teacher Wylan invited in from Ravka, but somehow working with fabrics and threads wasn't coming as easy as he'd have hoped. And he wasn't sure he'd be able to explain to their personal tailor the reason for all the perfectly slashed holes without revealing he was still a part-time criminal. Not that he didn't trust Rovan, but that information wasn't something he could risk spilling to the Merchant Council. They already weren't very fond of him and the fact he trailed behind Wylan everywhere he went. Even their engagement didn't help in that matter. A pity. He liked the emerald color of the garment.
Next, he rid of his purple vest, which seemed in good enough condition to keep (which he was delighted about because it looked like a piece of flowery tapestry in the best possible way), and at last unbuttoned the shirt with swirls in different shades of pink all over. He might have left the Barrel (technically) but it didn't mean he'd given up the Barrel flash. It was almost woven into his skin at this point. Just more expensive now.
The material nearly peeled off him due to the amount of sweat and sticky dried blood on his skin in places where he'd been cut. He hissed as the last of it came off and threw the ruined garment to the floor at his feet.
Kaz's usually neatly polished shoes appeared in his line of vision, now with blood stains ruining them as well. They matched in a way, Jesper thought.
He raised his head to look at him properly, a makeshift first aid kit in his hand. Jesper's lips spread in a lazy, self-satisfied smile
“You gon’ patch me up, Love ?” He flirted.
Kaz fought the urge to roll his eyes as he sat down on the bed by him and opened the box.
“Just enough so Wylan doesn't freak out and pointlessly call a medik” he responded, gruffly, already picking the needed materials.
Jesper's smile spread into a full-on grin at the thought of Wylan fussing over him when he comes back. He loved that part.
“He will anyway” he said, fondly with a drop of amusement in his low voice “And he will call you a-”
“Bastard” Kaz finished for him.
His face rid of emotion, focused, as he poured disinfectant over a piece of gauze.
“Worse” Jesper offered, his eyes set on Kaz's bare hands.
The corner of Kaz's lips twitched in the beginning of a sly smile “Don't make empty promises”
Jesper snorted out a laugh, which turned into a displeased hiss the moment the gauze touched his wound. As much as he hated the feeling he turned himself away slightly, angling his body so that Kaz had better access and didn't need to touch him directly to reach all of the wounds. There was one on the back of Jesper's bicep. Without a further comment, Kaz cleaned this one as well, ignoring the displeased sounds Jesper was making to the best of his ability, then picked up a needle and thread from the kit.
Jesper ran his teeth over his bottom lip, his fingers tapping at the sheets beneath, anxiously. He glanced back, briefly to make sure Kaz was still keeping his cool. His face was twisted in concentration as he threaded the needle. Jesper's mouth fell open before he could help it, words already spilling out.
“You don't actually have to-” he started and hesitated “I can do it myself-”
Kaz's expression didn't falter as his eyes swept over Jesper's wound and then his face as well. He fixed the needle between his fingers.
“You can't reach it” he answered, matter of factly “I can handle it”
His voice was even, calm, while Jesper looked for the usual uncertain edge but his eyes were clear of it.
“You sure?” he asked, his own eyes now set on the dresser up front where he could see their reflection in a huge mirror and Kaz's still stoic face as his hands raised to the wound.
He merely grumbled in response before his hands brushed Jesper's skin. Surprisingly enough it was Jesper who shivered at the feel of his cold fingers.
They got better with touch over the last many months. Each one of the Crows practiced with Kaz at their own pace until he was comfortable enough to shed the gloves, to reach out on his own. It was a slow and tedious process but extremely gratifying. And each day Kaz was getting better at it. There were still days when he needed the gloves though, still days when touching felt foreign and uninvited like the old days and everyone accepted that, giving him the needed space. But those days weren't a staple anymore. Still, it didn't hurt to be careful. And so Jesper preferred to spare Kaz any unnecessary torment if he could help it. Always waiting for an invite, for a nod of the head, or a plea. He didn't even know he could be this patient until they started doing this.
He let out a quiet pained noise at the first thread of a needle, then sunk his teeth into his bottom lip to stop any more from escaping. It wasn't like this was the first time, why was he still so fussy about it?
He supposed because usually, it was Inej doing it and there was a bottle of something strong at hand, he managed to swipe from the counter of the Crow Club or Kaz's desk on his way to the care point after a job. And she was humming to distract him, telling him stories or explaining familiar Suli wisdom so that the patching-up process was over before he gave it any thought.
Saints, he missed her.
Her laugh, her soothing voice, her kind eyes, and gentle hands. He was sure Kaz missed her just the same if not more. One more week though, as she wrote in her letter. One more week and she'd be back with new stories and trinkets to share and-
“You didn't wait for a signal” Kaz's rough voice suddenly tore him from his thoughts.
The sight of Inej melted away in front of Jesper's eyes, suddenly replaced with the memory of the dark alley. The smell of gunpowder, the sound of steps, the feel of metal as a blade was drawn. The sight of those men approaching Kaz. How was he supposed to wait for anything?
“I thought them threatening you was the signal” he muttered.
“Jesper.”
“Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to wait for them to corner you?” he asked with mild offense and disbelief resounding in his tone “Or for the first stab to your liver?” he threw his hands up and regretted it immediately at the sudden jolt of pain.
Kaz was in the middle of stitching.
The hold on his bicep tightened “Don't move” Kaz snapped.
Jesper huffed but tried to stay otherwise still. With tried being the clue. He was already feeling restless, and the annoyance didn't help, as the fingers of his free hand pulled at the loose threads in the embroidery of the sheets covering the bed. It was hideous. Old and torn in places, and the color was nearly washed off. Once he got a grasp on that side of his powers he would fix it, he thought.
Silence fell for a minute or two before the snap of scissors declared the first wound finished. Jesper shifted a little, feeling for any additional pain. The stitches hurt nearly the same as the wound on its own and he couldn’t even focus on it properly with his head taken by-
“I had it under control” Kaz continued, starting to wrap up the first wound. Two more to go. The one on his bicep and the one on his other hand. The cut on his thigh didn’t really need attention.
Jesper frowned even more as he refocused on the conversation they were apparently still having. Now that’s absurd.
“I might be overthinking it, but how exactly is eight to one ‘under control’?” he asked with a clearly sarcastic edge, glancing just briefly over his shoulder to meet Kaz’s eyes but since he was leaning close to stitch him up, Jesper couldn’t. Eight to one. Even more absurd said aloud.
“I could've talked them out of it” came Kaz’s response from behind “They could’ve joined The Dregs”
Jesper held back a scoff. Maybe the younger Barrel rats, maybe, but the old Dime Lions’ members? Was he even hearing himself?
“I'm sure you would've had a lot of sway while bleeding out on the ground” he muttered in response then winced as the needle went through without even a mild warning. Not that it was necessary but it would have been nice.
Kaz must have been as irritated. Good to know.
And here he thought they started off on a good note…
“I thought you were here to help me” Kaz said, his voice suddenly an octave lower. It made the hair on Jesper’s neck stand up and he distantly wondered if Kaz could see that.
The thought nearly made him blush but he fiercely fought against it.
Don’t give him the satisfaction in the middle of an argument.
He reached for all the self-control and nonchalance he had stored in him. Truth be told the latter wasn’t even reaching that far since it was usually surface level. Kaz just liked to pull at the other strings and bring them to the light.
“And I thought I was here because you missed me” Jesper gave a dramatic sigh “Seems like we’re both disappointed then”
Kaz stiffened against him, halting in his moves, Jesper could almost hear his jaw clench with an audible click. He smiled to himself. He could pull at strings too. And one thing he found out about Kaz not so long ago was that he didn’t really like disappointing Jesper. Not that Kaz liked disappointing anyone but it was different. Especially lately he was acting almost as If he eagerly wanted to please him. Wylan too, but that was a different matter. He couldn’t understand why.
There was an intake of breath. Jesper still couldn’t see Kaz in the mirror but it was so quiet he could hear him swallow.
“I did miss you” Kaz said, raspy, quiet.
Jesper let it ring out for a minute, the idea filling his chest and all of the cracks of need within it.
He asked Kaz the last time he was at the Slat, about two weeks back just before he left whether Kaz kept calling him in because he missed him since he would never openly admit it. Or if he simply felt bored and needed Jesper as a change of routine, a form of entertainment. Their moments in the mansion were condensed, close but careful, vaguely intimate but never fleshed out. But the Slat was different, there they could be the same Kaz and Jesper they were when they met years ago now, except so much more with all the cards on the table, all the walls between them torn down. They just were. Together. And yet neither of them never said anything that would indicate how they should measure this time. How they should call it. Was it supposed to be a constant? Or just a fling Kaz felt like entertaining for a while before he got bored of that too? He bored with a lot of things lately. Jesper tried to hide it but he worried. He never wanted it to end.
The response to the question was an indefinite “It’s late, you should go back”, which Jesper simply let slide because he didn’t usually like to push. He had no right to. Kaz gave him all he could. Each and every one of them, he gave all he had. And Jesper started to make his peace with the fact there was nothing beyond. But this morning what came with the message explaining the situation was a postscriptum note, a simple “Yes”.
Hearing it said aloud now made his heart leap.
“But it doesn’t change the problem” Kaz added, suddenly.
Jesper blinked, shaking off the memory.
What?
“What?”
Kaz exhaled tiredly, maybe even with frustration as he snapped the excess thread off and put the needle and thread aside for now. He straightened and looked Jesper in the eyes over his shoulder, his face drawn but not angry or sad, something deeper, something else Jesper couldn’t read even though he tried. Kaz’s stare sunk deeper into his own, almost brushing against his very soul.
“How am I supposed to keep taking you to those jobs if you don't listen to my orders?” he responded finally with a question.
Something shifted. Something almost threatening. But for Jesper, it pulled a nerve.
Well, they were about to have a spill-your-guts kind of conversation it seemed.
“Are you serious?”
*
“Are you serious?”
Kaz fought the urge to scoff. Did he not sound serious?
Weeks, weeks he’d been putting off that conversation and it still caught up to him. He should’ve known it would. They always did.
Maybe that’s why he and Jesper took so long to find each other.
It wasn’t the first job on which Jesper completely ignored the before agreed-upon plan and reached for his revolvers instead. Not that it never happened in the past when they worked together, it happened plenty, but by now it had become a constant, as if Jesper did not even feel bad about it like he used to. And Kaz was getting fed up. Did it usually save his life or the job altogether? Yes, but he still did not take being crossed like this very well. It was too reckless, too unsafe.
Not that Kaz minded reckless and unsafe but on his own terms.
And maybe, just maybe, he was a little afraid some of the other Dregs would pick it up. Especially the young recruits. Think he’d become soft and more forgiving to mistakes on the job or insubordination.
Which wasn’t entirely off, he did become softer, but in completely different, unrelated in his opinion, areas of his life.
He couldn’t let that happen. He had too much he cared about at stake.
Too many people he cared about.
He made the same mistake he once thought to be the worst possible, he let someone get in. A lot of them, except he did not think it was a mistake anymore. As long as he was able to protect them.
(completely unaware they were all very capable of protecting themselves)
Jesper stepping out of line like that and putting himself at risk was not something Kaz could allow. For his own sake.
And if this argument was fruitless and Jesper didn't agree maybe he should stop taking him along with altogether. That was the drastic measure. Kaz would rather avoid it.
He was sitting there stitching him up, goddamnit, it was about time he said something. He put his boss mask on, hoping it still had some power.
“This isn’t going to work If I spend half the time worrying about you taking matters into your own-”
“I thought you trusted me” Jesper harshly snapped his sentence in half.
Kaz almost swayed with the power of the words, the accusation resounding in them. Trust. It was such a funny concept. He thought Jesper broke his trust when he endangered them during the Ice Court job, when he nearly got Inej killed. He thought Jesper wouldn’t build it back up when they came back and Kaz had a hard time believing in any word that left Jesper's mouth. He thought when they fought in that damned clocktower that would be it, they’d fall apart completely. And then slowly, step by step, without Kaz seeing it Jesper crept back into his heart and settled there anew, taking deep roots. He was nearly as silent as Inej when she approached Kaz for the first time and the thought that she might have taught Jesper that crossed his head for a second. It was overwhelming at times, to think about it. Their bond twice as strong, their trust a steel line now instead of a weak thread. Life was the least Kaz trusted Jesper with, he would give this man anything. He would give up everything if he asked. I would tear my heart out of my chest for you even if you stomped on it after.
But it didn’t fix the problem.
“I trust you” he said firmly, but before he could continue Jesper turned to him fully, something mad in his eyes, something wild.
“Then how about this, Kaz?” he demanded “How am I supposed to keep coming to those jobs if you can't understand I'm your partner now and not a soldier?”
Jesper’s face was suddenly all hard lines and determination. Anger too, maybe, a flash of hurt perhaps, if Kaz searched his eyes further. The question made his heart slow for a second. The question caught him off guard. Yes, they were. And Kaz understood. And maybe that was the core of the issue. Maybe that was even worse. Because Kaz cared now, more than ever before. Yes, he cared about the other Dregs, but Jesper… he couldn’t allow even a grain of possibility that Jesper might get hurt, worse, killed because of this. Because of the weakness he had for him. He couldn't think this way and let himself slip, it would kill him all the same, or Wylan would kill him. He remembered when he let himself slip last time, when Van Eck threatened them and he let himself look at Inej. When he doomed her with it. He wouldn’t make that mistake again.
He used this mistake against his own enemies for Ghezen’s sake.
Jesper’s recklessness didn’t help with keeping that part of him hidden. It made everything worse. He needed to talk some sense into him.
“And what difference does it make?” he snapped “Out there the same rules apply to you as they apply for the others”
He spent over a month after the auction conflicted, looking for a way to keep Jesper involved while at the same time keep him at a distance, to keep him close without revealing the reason or too much of his interest. He sent a message through Inej, he sent a few notes to the mansion but it wasn’t until Jesper actually came to the Slat on his own and asked what’s the next step that he gave in, allowed himself to want him, to indulge the feelings trying to seep through his skin and reach the sun for years despite him fighting them. Then came Wylan, and Nina. And everything only became more complicated.
Inej and Nina were far away most of the time, he couldn’t do much to protect them, as much as he tried with his sway among different people, catering to the needs they expressed, answering all of the letters, and offering as much attention as he possibly could when they visited. He didn’t feel like it was enough but it was all there was to do and it worked. Somehow it just did.
But Wylan and Jesper, that was different. They were close, at arms’ reach almost, and he had to do more. Especially Jesper. Wylan was a clean slate, even after everything they’d been through together in the Ice Court and after, their romantic relationship didn’t have weight to it, any baggage, everything was new, exciting to explore. Easy, in many ways. Easier than most. Fiery and chaotic in the best possible way and not so delicate that he could feel like it would fall out of his hands and shatter on the floor any second without his control like a piece of expensive porcelain. No, it felt solid. And Kaz’s heart felt at ease.
But Jesper… Jesper wasn’t easy. To Kaz at least. And only Kaz could be blamed for it. With Jesper, nothing he did really felt like enough. After all those years where he sidelined him, pushed him away, and rejected him with the worst possible words he could find he felt nothing would be enough compensation. Ever. So many years of Jesper settling for scraps of attention from him, for almost non-existent affection, for his anger and lack of empathy, and all of that he took with a smile and unexplainable gratitude as if only being around Kaz was enough in exchange for his loyalty. It made Kaz mad and scattered whenever he thought about it for longer than a minute. He couldn’t forgive himself for being so blind and selfish, chasing revenge and funds when he had a treasure in his hands.
He held it tight now and yet he still felt if he tore his eyes away someone would steal it from him just to smash it on the ground and watch him weep over the irreversible.
He dreamt of it sometimes, of Jesper in a puddle of blood on the ground with the same kind smile on his face and loving eyes he always had, saying it was okay, that it was always going to happen because that’s what he agreed on, staying by his side and Kaz couldn’t do anything to help it. He woke in cold sweat then, tears falling from his eyes, shaking. Some nights Jesper would wake too and coax him back to sleep without asking any questions, and sometimes Kaz would wake alone, grab his coat, and walk all the way to the Geldstraat just to realize in front of the Van Eck mansion that he was being crazy. Then he’d sit down on the steps and watch the sunrise and think what he could do to help it just to drive himself even more crazy realizing there was nothing. Until Wylan or Jesper came out to talk him into coming inside even if just for a minute (because Kaz usually said no).
One of those days only two reasonable solutions to the problem came to him - Jesper would either listen to orders or he would have to let him go.
Jesper raised an eyebrow hearing the words, wondering if he’d understand correctly, his lips moved as if he tried the words in his own mouth to properly digest and comprehend.
Kaz didn’t let that stop him from continuing. He had to hear loud and clear.
“When I tell you to wait, you wait.” He rasped “When I tell you to stay back you stay back no matter what you see. And when I tell you to run, you leave me behind and run.” he quickly added, his voice dangerously close to a growl.
The old part of him half expected Jesper to just take the words and make them his mantra all over again. But he wasn’t like that anymore.
He wasn’t a soldier anymore, he was his partner.
He wasn’t as willing and pliant as the old days, because he wasn’t trying to gain anything from Kaz, he wasn’t trying to win him over just to stay an hour more in his office when Kaz directly told him to get out. He didn’t need to please Kaz because the roles reversed in more ways than one.
Most of them thanks to Wylan.
And it was good, it really was. Jesper deserved not to feel like his every move relied on someone else’s moods. Especially not Kaz’s. But sometimes, in moments like this Kaz wished he would just say “yes” without a second thought, simply because he asked.
“No” he said.
Kaz’s eyes hardened on him, looking for something to grasp. He was losing ground and they’d barely started talking. He needed Jesper to listen to him. To hear him.
Instead…
“I won't stand by and watch you get hurt” he added, giving a pause so the words would properly sink in. And they did sink, Kaz felt them rattling his bones because as much as the statement worked against what he was trying to achieve it was still raw and filled with so much love and devotion he could barely handle it without something in him cracking open. But Jesper wasn’t done. “In fact, I won't even risk it.”
Kaz frowned, balancing on the edge of his emotions already crackling like fireworks inside him. It was all wrong, so wrong, why couldn’t he just understand?
“You’ve worked by those rules longer than anyone on the Dregs, you have them carved in your brain, I made sure of that, why can’t you follow them now?” he asked harshly.
One. One mistake was all it took. He couldn’t risk even half of that.
Jesper’s face fell slightly as if the memories Kaz brought to the surface with the words scratched at healed wounds. He blinked quickly, trying to chase them away
“I never left you behind if I could help it-”
Kaz couldn’t stop himself now “The point still stands. Why can’t you-”
And just like that, Jesper burst. A million little things crossing his face before he let it all out with one question, his hands thrown up “
Because I love you
, you stupid fucking bastard, is it really so hard to grasp?” he asked in absolute disbelief, his face open, eyes vulnerable, searching.
Kaz’s lungs stopped, his world coming to a halt. All of the anger from his face drained.
It wasn't the first time Jesper told him he loved him.
It wasn't about that. In fact, Kaz knew Jesper loved him before he even said it for the first time. With the way he looked at him, the way he talked, the way he carried himself. No one could overlook it. As much as he tried to hide it.
Now the word fell from him as easy as breathing whenever they saw each other, sometimes instead of hello or goodbye. Sometimes it was the way Jesper responded to the notes sent to the Van Eck mansion, with a “Be there. Love you too” scribbled in his messy handwriting. Sometimes Jesper whispered it late at night right before sleep could take him under when he stayed over. Sometimes he used it to chase away the nightmares. And sometimes he spelled it on the skin of Kaz's back with careful brushes of his fingers early in the morning when Kaz was just beginning to wake. It was in his voice, in his eyes, in every single one of his gestures.
And yet in the way he said it now it made something in Kaz click into place like a missing puzzle.
I’m not a soldier, I’m your partner.
Kaz kept thinking it didn’t change anything, that it only made him more vulnerable, prone to danger and harm. He almost couldn’t believe his understanding of it all was so narrow.
Jesper continued, trying to help, seeing the way the words dawned on him.
“You already know this. You’ve known for a long time.
It was always the reason.
For everything I did. You needed me to follow the rules, to obey orders, so you could trust me. So I followed the rules. I did every single thing you asked without thinking twice because listening to you was the only way for you to keep me around. And being around you was the only thing I wanted. You knew this. Just as well as you know loving you was the reason for every stupid mistake I made, every reckless thing I did. And not just me.” he explained.
Yes, it was always there. And somehow he overlooked it.
In front of his eyes, said by others, in his damn dreams when Jesper said it would always be like this.
It wasn’t up to him.
Greed bows to me. It is my servant and my lever - he once told Inej.
But Love bowed to no one and he tried to catch it and chain it down.
It wasn’t up to him.
Kaz blinked, looking at Jesper properly again, meeting his eyes, his mouth falling open.
You can’t control everything, Kaz - Inej’s words resounded in his mind, her face turned toward the sun as she sat on the windowsill in his office - You can try, you can spend your whole life trying, but some things are bound to be free.
Jesper leaned in closer, his warmth, his smell enveloping Kaz in a tight embrace.
“Love, Kaz.” he said gently “It’s the reason for everything we do. Even the most trivial things” his hand reached out and brushed a stray hair away from Kaz’s eyes. “Why I step in the middle of gunfire, why Inej keeps coming back, why Wylan sticks his neck out at the Council meetings for you, why Nina keeps writing letters, why-” he trailed off, stopping himself from saying more as if any next word could break Kaz in half and shatter him completely. His eyes escaped for a moment before coming back, a strange tenderness to them “We don’t do that because we don’t care about our safety, we do that because we care about yours. Love. Plain and simple.”
Another pause.
“Why Wylan tries to keep me out of trouble…”
Jesper’s eyes reached deep into his own.
“Why you’re scared to let me be by your side”
It settled. Somewhere low in his stomach, sweet, heavy, and hot. It spread up and wrapped around his throat, choking him up. His eyes welled up with tears. He was stupid. He was so stupid. All of this time spent thinking what he could do to rearrange the world to his liking, standing tall against an oncoming wave, resisting it when others just closed their eyes and surrendered, when the whole point was to just let it take him with.
All of this time spent looking for something he could give Jesper to settle a debt he thought he had when all he had to do was just say the words waiting at the tip of his tongue to be acknowledged.
All of this time he thought he already made his peace with his feelings when he didn’t even allow them to properly take hold and flourish.
He was a piano with a broken wire, which played the most beautiful melodies, and yet one note always sounded off, wrong, misplaced. And Jesper fixed it with just a brush of his fingers over the keys.
“You’re scared they’ll come for me because of you… let them come. I’m not going anywhere” Jesper continued as if not realizing Kaz’s position. As if he still needed to understand.
And Kaz felt as if another word will fill him to the brim and he will spill over like a wine glass pushed carelessly to the side.
He already understood. No more. Just-
“Jesper..” he choked out.
“This isn’t how Love works, Kaz. Not with the people in your life. Haven’t you realized yet? Pushing us away because you’re scared to keep us close won’t make us leave. It will hurt. Perhaps it will scar. But it’s what we signed up for. Because it’s worth every single second spent being loved by you. As much as you might disagree.” he pressed on.
Kaz’s mouth hung open, ready to plead, but it seemed like Jesper wasn’t going to stop until everything indeed spilled over.
“So don’t sit here and tell me idiotic things like… I’d be better off confined in the mansion or forgetting about you altogether because the truth is I wouldn’t last a day. Not now that I know how it feels to be someone you love” he said at last.
His speech over. His shoulders slowly dropped, his chest easing.
Kaz stared at him, raw, torn open, his heart pulsing in his ears, beating outside of his body. He thought he might burst, his skin felt too tight for his body, something was waiting to pour out and when Jesper looked at him as if the words weren’t enough and opened his mouth to say more Kaz just about had it, leaning forward and pressing his lips against it.
Jesper stilled for about half a second, inhaling deeply, surprised, before his body gave in to the familiar pleasure and he all but melted against him. Kaz felt the waves lick at his feet as they usually did when he rushed, but before they could gather any power over him he reached his hand out, cupping Jesper’s pulse.
Warm, steady,
alive
.
The waves washed away with all of the ghosts hidden within. Kaz exhaled. He tilted his head to the side, pressing on, taking as much as Jesper was willing to give before they both came short for air. The kiss broke but Kaz didn’t move away. His jaw ached from the punch he took that day, his split lip stung like hell. But it felt better than anything he had felt in a long, long time. Perhaps ever. He rested his forehead against Jesper’s, feeling the heat radiating off his skin, letting it ground him.
Their breaths mixed. He didn’t want to open his eyes. He just wanted to be in this moment, finally let himself feel all of it without any restrains, without any bounds. Not anymore.
“I love you” he breathed before he could give it any thought.
He caught Jesper’s lips with his own once again and was rewarded with a soft, quiet sound muffled with the kiss. Jesper shivered against him, his hands reaching out almost frantically, one tanging in his raven hair, the other grabbing onto his bloodied shirt like his life depended on it, as if Kaz would be torn from him if he didn’t hold him tight enough.
Or as if Jesper needed something tangible to remind him that it was all real and wouldn’t disappear once he opened his eyes.
Because Kaz loving him back never felt real enough.
And now said aloud…
Breathless again they broke apart again, staying just mere inches away from each other so they could start over any second. So they could never stop.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to say it” Kaz managed in between hausts of air.
Jesper’s eyes met his in the little space they shared.
He grinned. Laughed, joyful, tender.
“It’s okay” he breathed “As long as you don’t ever stop saying it”
Never.
Kaz thought and kissed him again.