Chapter Text
Fake peace is probably the best way to describe how Pernille's last few months have been.
Football wise everything has been great. The team started the league on fire, winning every single match with ease, and it doesn’t seem like they will fall down anytime soon. To add to that Pernille has been scoring weekend after weekend, leading the team and playing at her best, and even has gotten offers from some of the best clubs in Europe to leave Linköping for them this summer.
Of course there have also been some downs, a couple weeks Pernille has had to miss because of minor injuries, all from overworking herself. Ever since that happened, Pernille has been sheltering herself in the only thing she knows, football. It has gotten her to be playing better than ever, but training so much has also exhausted her body almost to the limit, to a point where Pernille can just pray this summer break will be enough to recover.
Pernille has even agreed to train some children in the afternoon just so she doesn’t have to go home so early and has something to keep herself entertained. It’s actually nice, the kids are great and it’s always fun to teach the things she knows and to get a little bit mastermind with the tactics sometimes. Since Pernille was working on her coach licence anyway, it has actually been a great opportunity.
All of that is great. But what regards her personal life… that's a completely different subject.
The first day of training was horrible, and if it had been only a week earlier Pernille is pretty sure she would have missed it with any possible excuse, but starting the league that same weekend Pernille couldn’t afford missing training just like that. So with little sleep and putting on a brave face, Pernille tried to just ignore all the teasing comments. Of course they had seen the pictures, they just didn’t know what those lead to.
It took them a while to figure out that something wasn’t right. In the end, it had to be Frido who told them to shut up for once and for all with the damn subject, after lots of comments that had Pernille almost running away to the pitch to hide herself and shield away from them. It’s a really sensible subject, and even months later Pernille has a hard time with everything related to that.
When one of them or Frido asks how she’s doing, Pernille just lies bluntly, assuring them that everything is okay, even if it isn’t at all. When they ask her to hang out Pernille brushes them off, saying she doesn’t feel like it or putting some excuse that she’s pretty sure none of them believe. It feels she’s a broken vase put together by some cheap glue that will break anytime soon.
Pernille is, or at least seems to be perfectly fine as long as the subject isn’t brought up and as long she doesn’t see anything related to her. The thing is, it is kind of hard not to be reminded of someone when you walk everyday through places where you have made so many memories.
Because during the first weeks she tried to go out with someone else, not even date, just a one night stand or something to distract herself. At first she tried with men, thinking they would remind her less of Magda, but after some not so good experiences Pernille moved to try with women, which even if was a little better but no good either at least it made Pernille settle that once she's done with moving on she won't go back to men, no way.
But really, how could Pernille focus on someone else at the same club she spent the night texting Magda after they first met? And how is Pernille supposed to take someone out on a date at the same cafe where she spent that one afternoon with Magda? She can’t do that.
So, after a while, Pernille figured out if she just cut the dating out of her life for now, until she sees herself capable of it again.
And so far it has worked pretty well for Pernille. Sure, she still misses Magda sometimes (and most of the time, Pernille just hides it well enough), but it isn't the kind of missing that made Pernille feel like she wouldn’t make it every single time she was with someone else somewhere that belonged to Magda, to them.
“What are you thinking about?” Frido asks when Pernille spaces out for a little too much time.
“Oh, nothing important.” Pernille answers, because she really doesn't feel like talking about it. They have a game to play today, and really, Pernille just wants to have breakfast without this heavy feeling on her chest she always gets when talking about Magda.
“Are you thinking about her again?” Frido asks again, this time knowingly. Of course that's what Pernille has on her mind, it always is when she spaces out like this.
Pernille just nods, because there's no point in trying to lie to Frido about this. She was the one who comforted her the night everything happened, and the morning after that too. Frido knows enough about everything that has been going on in her life these past few months to know what is going on inside her mind right now.
“Didn't you say you were over it already?” Pernille does remember saying that, but only so Frido would leave her alone at the moment.
“Maybe I lied. It's harder than it seems, you know?”
“I know, I know. But still, it isn't nice to see you so sad all the time. Maybe you could try to go out a little more? You spend the whole day at the training ground, with the kids and just training by yourself, why don’t you come with us someday?” And Pernille gets the worry, she really does, but she wishes Frido would just drop the subject.
“I don’t feel like it, Frido. I would rather stay there late and work out, even if the kids don’t have training that day.”
“But that isn’t healthy, and you know it. You have to let your body rest.” Frido says, as if the physiotherapist of the club hasn’t told her a million times. The thing is, it is better to have her body running rather than her mind.
“I’ll have time for that, we have three weeks of holidays after this game.” And three weeks that her body really needs to rest, Pernille knows it well enough.
“Yeah, like you will stop working out during the break.” Frido answers with a sarcastic laugh. “What do you plan to do anyway? The training ground will be closed.” Which is a great reason for Pernille to want to leave for the holidays, because there’s no way she’s going back to the other pitch she knows about close to her house. No way, she would rather play at home.
“I’ll stay here for the next week, and then I guess I’ll just go to Denmark,” Pernille answers simply, she doesn’t have any better plans. “I haven’t been there since Christmas, it’s about time I pay my parents a visit.”
“And why’s that? You always go there once or twice during the season.” But the question is left answered just with the face Pernille makes when Frido asks it.
Of course it isn’t the only reason, she also hasn’t had too much time with the season going on and the international breaks have all been away from home, but Pernille can’t lie if she says she gets a little bit sad when she thinks about it. It was kind of like the beginning of the end, because everything was so beautiful one night and next thing she knew Magda was flying out early in the morning.
That, the fact that not only the house but also herself feel so empty now in comparison to when Magda was there and the fact that Pernille hasn’t got any time have made her not travel to Denmark. Her parents did come to a game a few weeks ago, so at least Pernille has seen them.
“You know what I think?” Frido says after a while of silence where the only thing that filled the room was the clicking sound of the spoon against the cup while stirring her coffee. “I think that all of this is because you didn’t tell her everything you needed to say.”
Even if very reluctantly, Frido does drop the subject, and after that they have a peaceful breakfast. The Swede does bring it up a couple times more, saying she will sign Pernille in in some dating app she found the other day so she can have fun over the weekend, but Pernille brushes it off quickly telling Frido to shut up and focus on her damn toast.
The few hours before the game go pretty fast, even if they don’t have too much to do. After a couple chapters of Pretty Little Liars, a big show because Frido couldn’t find her left shoe before leaving the house and another argument about who should drive, which Pernille ends up winning, they get to the stadium an hour and a half before the game starts.
Everything is pretty normal, the same receptionist as always, the shirts are on the same spot as always and they do their warm-up as they have done every single game they have played this year. It isn’t a particularly hard opponent either, a lower-middle table team that shouldn’t be too much of a threat to them, so rather than nervousness the only thing that’s in the air is this sense of excitement for the last game before the break and the will to win the game and end in the right way the first half of the season.
Everything seems to be normal, but Pernille has this gut feeling that tells her that there’s something out of the ordinary today.
Pernille goes through all the motions she usually goes through: being the last in the line, adjusting her headband three times to the right and re-tying her shoelaces to make sure they don’t untie in the middle of the game. Nothing seems to be wrong when the referee blows the whistle so they start walking out onto the pitch, but she still has this feeling that something’s going to happen.
They walk towards the middle of the pitch. The grass is decent, as good as it was when Pernille stepped out on it to warm up, and looking at one side and at the other, the goals seem as symmetric and as rectangular as always, so that isn’t it either. Then they stand facing the crowd, and with a quick look through the people there Pernille sees it. Or better said, sees her.
That damn woman standing with her arms crossed on the small vip box of the pitch. Magda is looking at the other team, not even moving her gaze a centimetre to the left, to where Pernille’s standing, and the Dane knows Magda’s doing it on purpose, to not look at her.
Pernille just holds out her hand so the other team’s players high-five, mumbling good luck to them but staring blankly at the crowd. Of course she had to choose this game to show up, Magda couldn't just let Pernille have a chill last game and let her live for three weeks away from everything.
“Get your head on the game.” Frido whispers to her when they walk out of the team huddle. So, she has seen Magda on the stands too. “Forget about her, we have to win this and we can’t do it if you don’t score.”
It’s easier to say it than to do it, but Pernille has always been lucky that it is pretty easy for her to focus on games and to get her mind out of these things that make you leave the game mentally, so it only takes the Dane some passes and a couple of good runs to forget, or at least ignore whoever is on the stands.
It works well enough in the first half, they go back to the dressing room being one goal up, which Pernille didn’t score but did provide the assist. When they go out to the pitch to play the second half, Pernille doesn’t make the same mistake again, she goes straight to her position on the field without turning to look at the stands. Somehow, feeling Magda’s eyes on the back of her neck sets Pernille on fire, as she goes on to score twice and assist one more goal in the second half.
With a more than decent 4-0 at the end of the game and congratulations from all her teammates and even the rivals, Pernille, out of pure curiosity, turns to look at the stands again, but Magda isn’t there anymore.
Pernille isn’t sure of when Magda left, if it was before or after her goals, and even if she wants to say that she is relieved to see the Swede isn’t there anymore and she won’t have to face her, it would be a lie to say Pernille isn’t disappointed about that fact. But can you blame her for being disappointed after months of having this woman stuck in her mind? Can you blame Pernille for hoping to have the chance to at least say something to her?
She’s conscious about the wound she has to close, and if Frido had a point, maybe if Pernille had the chance to just have a chat with her, to vent, maybe she could close that page of her life for once and for all. But it looks like she won’t have that chance, at least not today.
When Pernille wants to realise she’s the last one out on the pitch. More people than usual have come to the game, since it wasn’t too late, the weather is nice and many people are on vacation already, and Pernille has had a fair amount of work signing shirts and taking pictures. So, it isn’t a surprise that when she walks to the corridor to get back to the dressing room and change, it is practically empty, except a physio she recognises walking around with some bandages and a few other men she doesn’t recognise at all.
But then, when Pernille is walking down the hallway, she feels someone grabbing her by the wrist. At first she thinks it’s the physio, because Pernille did mention to her that she had some discomfort on her foot, but nothing to worry about. But then, the physio’s hand is smaller, and she smells like that spray she always uses and not like this coffee scent, this coffee scent that reminds her of…
“Magda?”