Work Text:
hanbin hadn’t really been paying attention properly the first time that hao mentioned him. it was around a year ago sometime just after the cherry blossom petals had started to fall and spring break was rapidly approaching. “you know siwoo right? the guy from my literature elective? anyway he’s-“ and that’s when hanbin had tuned out because he didn’t really think that the conversation hao and taerae were having would end up meaning anything to him.
god how he wished he was wrong.
the flood gates had opened aa few weeks ago. siwoo’s name had become like one of those words that hanbin had heard on repeat so many times it didn’t even feel like a real word anymore. it was like hao couldn’t go more than 10 minutes without mentioning the other boy, hanbin hardly knew him at all but he felt like they’d been lifelong best friends with the way that hao seemingly spoke about every last detail.
it stung.
realistically, it should’ve been something that hanbin found cute or maybe even just the slightest bit annoying. any normal person would make fun of their best friend for having a crush, they’d tell them to shut up but fondly, they’d listen to them when they talked and pretend to gag behind their back but hanbin couldn’t find it in himself to do any of these things. not when he was irrevocably in deep, hellish love with hao.
it had come on slowly, over the years they’d known each other hanbin found himself teetering closer and closer to the edge but one day he’d just fallen straight down into the deepest depths of the deepest love and there was no way of return. in short, he was fucked.
“i’m gonna make him a lollipop for valentine’s day,” hao had remarked a few days ago when he, hanbin, ricky and gyuvin had met up for lunch. hanbin ignored the concerned glance that gyuvin shot his way in favour of humouring hao but ricky had beat him to it, ever the logical one.
“and how are you gonna make a lollipop?” he’d questioned and the second hanbin saw hao’s face fall a little he stepped in.
“i’ll help you figure it out,” he found himself saying before his brain caught up. anything to make hao happy was worth it he supposed, even if it was to his own detriment.
that had been hanbin’s undoing it seemed. as soon as he offered his help it was like he couldn’t stop, hao wanted his confession to be perfect so here hanbin was running from store to store picking up ingredients and tools and flowers and cakes and whatever else to help the boy he loved more than life itself confess to his crush.
he decided to take gyuvin along for moral support on the first run to the florists. hao hadn’t asked for much, just a few fake roses to practice making the rose heart he wanted to create. hanbin, against his better judgement, had decided not to question his best friend’s wishes and had instead begged gyuvin to accompany him so he ‘didn’t purposely swerve into oncoming traffic’ on the way there.
“hyung,” gyuvin’s voice broke the silence in the car after a couple of minutes, “you look like you’re five seconds from sobbing or throwing up.”
“i feel like it,” hanbin breathed out, his knuckles turning white from how hard he was gripping the steering wheel.
“well lets get ice cream then,” came the reply from gyuvin, ever the optimist, “we can talk about it or not talk about it to talk about something completely different.”
"like whatever you have going on with ricky?” hanbin decided to tease in an attempt to push his thoughts elsewhere.
“maybe not that,” gyuvin replied hesitantly but hanbin took note of the light blush that had spread its way across his cheeks, “we can talk about whatever matthew and gunwook have going on though.”
“perfect.”
hanbin pulled into the main car park and they took the short walk to the ice cream parlour. it was nice to spend time with gyuvin like this, the younger boy had always been like a little brother to hanbin and they were never short on things to talk about.
with their ice cream served and hanbin’s thoughts somewhat taken away from the real reason why they were in town, gyuvin spoke up, “gunwook told me that he likes matthew hyung.”
“no way?” hanbin answered quickly, it was almost an open secret that matthew and gunwook liked each other but hearing them admit it aloud seemed like something that would never happen.
“yeah, i did kind of force it out of him but he really said it, i got ricky to record it and everything,” gyuvin smiled gleefully as he pulled a voice note up on his phone and sure enough gunwook’s voice came from the speaker.
“fine i like him now will you give me my controller back? i lost the game for fucks sake gyuvin i will ki-“
the younger pressed the pause button quickly and pocketed his phone before turning his attention back to hanbin. “isn’t it so good though? we might finally have a couple in our friendship group!”
“don’t we already though?” hanbin shot back as brought his spoon to his mouth and licked off the ice cream, “what about you and ricky?”
“me and ricky aren’t dat-“
“you literally called him your boyfriend the other day.”
“platonically?” gyuvin stared back at hanbin as if he was offended and hanbin was the dumb one. the older scoffed at his reaction, they were both dumb really, gyuvin for thinking that ricky’s feelings towards him were platonic and hanbin for falling in love with hao.
“you’re making that face again,” gyuvin piped up after a moments silence.
“i’m just thinking,” hanbin responded and really it was true. he knew that hao was far out of his league, half of the university was in love with him, he had his own fan page, he performed every single year to the biggest crowd the university festival had ever seen and the only other person who could even half match up to him was his crush kim siwoo. the worst part? siwoo was so fucking nice.
it made something inside of hanbin seethe. if siwoo was an asshole, if he was pretentious or arrogant or brash and violent then hanbin would have a concrete reason to hate him but to his great disdain, siwoo was one of the kindest people he’d ever met.
“what is it?” gyuvin’s voice interrupted his thought process.
“thinking about siwoo,” hanbin admitted, “why is he so nice i hate him.”
“that makes no sense,” gyuvin countered, “but i understand it, you’re allowed to envy him hyung, you can’t control your feelings and what matters is that you know your dislike of him is irrational so you’d never act on it.”
wouldn’t he? hanbin winced at the thought, “yeah but is that because of my moral compass or because i know that hao would never speak to me again?”
“i can’t answer that for you,” gyuvin hummed as he took another bite of his ice cream, “but whatever the reason is doesn’t matter much, as long as you don’t randomly punch him or call him an asshole we’re all good.”
“that’s a really weird way to view things,” hanbin answered slowly.
“is it? you know me, i fucking hate lee doyoon but i wouldn’t punch him,” the younger countered again as if his thought process was normal.
“lee doyoon? he’s like a saint?” hanbin spluttered, “i told him i needed to borrow some paper and he gave me a whole notebook.”
“yeah and? he has too many buttons on his shirts,” gyuvin stabbed his spoon into his ice cream as he spoke bitterly, “and he always carries a little tissue in his pocket and he seemingly can never keep his pens to himself.”
“he lent a pen to ricky didn’t he?”
“shut up.”
—
they reached the florists an hour later than originally planned but hanbin was glad to find out that plastic roses weren’t necessarily something he needed to order. he picked up a few quickly and grabbed the receipt so hao could pay him back because well, as much as hanbin loved him he definitely wasn’t funding the rose heart he’d give to another man.
afterwards they walked around some stores, gyuvin bought yet another birthday gift to add to the box of things he’d gotten yujin over the last year and hanbin bought an emotional support nct 127 album and totally didn’t nearly actually tear up when he pulled jaehyun. all in all, it wasn’t the awful day that he thought it would be and when he dropped gyuvin back off at his and ricky’s apartment the sky seemed a little brighter and the clouds had pushed back to reveal the sun.
maybe hanbin had never been good at finding the positives in things. sure, siwoo could accept hao’s confession, he could force his way into hanbin’s life with his annoying kindness and infuriating good looks but he could never be hao’s best friend. no, that title would always be hanbin’s and he knew that hao wasn’t the type to let some random guy change that, they’d always have time for each other and honestly, hanbin would take what he could get.
so, as he drove towards hao’s apartment, hanbin had a small smile on his face. sure on the back seat lay a bag of plastic roses that his best friend would, at some point, gift to someone else but at least hanbin got to see hao today to give them to him and that was the real win.
wasn’t it?
—
“hanbin!” hao exclaimed excitedly as he swung the door open.
“here’s the roses, they were doing a special deal for six so i got those instead of the five you wanted, maybe you can keep one for yourself,” hanbin smiled, maybe i can pretend that i have the courage to gift it to you.
“you should keep it,” hao spoke when they got inside and he fished a singular rose from the bag, “you can give it to someone you like and maybe we can both get boyfriends.”
hanbin wanted to bash his head repeatedly on the kitchen counter so he didn’t have to think anymore. fuck being positive.
“sure!” he took the rose with the best thankful expression he could muster and tried not to think about how hao had technically just gifted him a red rose. god, it was bad for him.
“i already found the youtube tutorial i’m gonna follow,” hao beamed, “they said it’s quite easy you just have to fold the stems around a bit and secure them with some glue, most people do it with real roses but i was scared of stabbing myself with the thorns so i got the plastic ones instead.”
hanbin watched as he placed a piece of card on the counter in front of him and pressed play on the tutorial. the sound of ‘craftywitchwomanxx___’ reverberated through the apartment and hanbin swore a second was shaved off his lifespan with every movement of hao’s fingers. how were his fingers pretty? it shouldn’t be allowed. hanbin was attracted to literal every single aspect of his best friend, the literal only thing he didn’t like about hao was how much he liked siwoo.
“what do you think?” came hao’s next words around ten minutes later, hanbin looked down to the counter to see a perfect rose heart glued to card. hao had twisted some ribbons and strings around the stems and hanbin had to admit that it looked beautiful, if siwoo didn’t cave after seeing all of hao’s efforts then hanbin might really have to punch him this time… or thank him… one of the two.
“it’s pretty,” hanbin replied trying not to sound strained, “are you going to write on the card?”
“i think so, i’m gonna give him an actual like valentines greeting card as well, i ordered a nice one online so i might write the big message there,” hao hummed, deep in thought, “but maybe i could write our names in the middle of the heart.”
of course, hanbin almost wanted to laugh bitterly. hao & siwoo written in beautiful calligraphy in the middle of a beautifully crafted rose heart all made by the most beautiful boy ever. as if the world hated him, hanbin found himself adding to the list of things he loved about his best friend: his will to do anything to show love for the people he loved.
“anyway i’m probably boring you,” hao giggled lightly pushing the rose heart aside, “do you want to order food and watch a one star rated movie?”
“i thought you’d never ask.”
they ended the night like that, wrapped up in the same blanket staring at the television as the end of a bad remake of the bee movie played on the screen. they’d ordered way too much food in the end and hao had taken it to his neighbour jiwoong as an apology for the loud hysterical laughter he’d probably been hearing for the past 90 minutes.
hanbin felt a warmth in his heart at the end of it all as he tucked himself under the sheets in hao’s spare bedroom. maybe it meant something that he had his own room there, that there were drawers in hao’s apartment filled with hanbin’s clothes, that hanbin’s toothbrush sat next to hao’s in his bathroom, that it was hanbin tucked under the sheets in this very room and not siwoo.
part of him wondered whether this would all change when hao and siwoo got together. he knew that hao would never outright ditch him, he was secure in his knowledge that their friendship was equally special to both of them but he wondered whether siwoo would have anything to say about so much of hanbin being a permanent fixture in hao’s life.
he just hoped that siwoo wasn’t the possessive type.
—
valentine’s day rolled around too quickly. hao was putting the finishing touches on the eighteenth attempt at making a lollipop when hanbin entered his apartment ready to drive them both to campus.
“are you nervous?” he asked in lieu of a hello and when hao looked up to meet him with eyes full of uncertainty he already had his answer.
“of course i am, he means a lot to me,” hao breathed out quietly and hanbin felt the words like they were a blow directly to his heart.
“i know,” he managed to breathe out, “if it means anything he’d be an idiot not to like you back, i think anyone who doesn’t like you is an idiot.”
it fell silent for a second and hanbin was worried that he’d been a bit too honest before hao’s face broke into a blinding smile and he got on with wrapping the lollipop in the heart patterned bag he’d bought.
“thank you hanbin.”
hanbin could only nod as he picked up hao’s book bag and they headed down to the car. his best friend hadn’t let him see the finished product of the rose heart and hanbin had supposed that it was probably for the best considering that he already felt ten seconds away from bursting into tears.
he was happy for hao, of course he was, he was so happy for him and proud of him that he could almost burst but the pain was inescapable. it had kept him up last night and hanbin knew that the signs of his tears were still on his face, the streaks and the red puffiness of his eyes were so evident. thankfully, hao hadn’t seemed to notice or if he had he didn’t say anything.
after he dropped his best friend off with a good luck and the best smile he could manage, hanbin drove his car around to the car park and met with gyuvin who instantly stared at him worriedly.
“you look like shit,” came the comforting words from the younger.
“thank you,” hanbin responded not even noticing as ricky walked up to join them.
“you look like shit,” the blonde repeated and hanbin wanted the earth to swallow him whole.
“yeah, gyuvin just told me that.”
“is it because of hao?” ricky questioned not even registering hanbin’s response, “look- i know that you think he’s doing all of th-“
the younger stopped speaking abruptly as hanbin felt a tap on his back. he turned around quickly to see hao stood in front of him smiling at him a little nervously with his hands behind his back.
“hao? did you leave something in the car?” hanbin questioned quickly already starting to fish the keys from his pocket before his best friend spoke.
“no, i-“ hao took a deep breathe and hanbin felt confusion wash over him, “all week you’ve been running around to different stores for me and helping me with things to make the perfect confession and- there’s someone i love and he’s always here for me, he never fails to make me laugh, he would do anything for me, he is my light in every dark time, he is the sun i revolve around, he is the most important person in my life and it’s not siwoo,” hao rambled.
hanbin couldn’t let a single thought into his mind, he stood frozen not allowing hao’s words to sink in.
“i love you hanbin, so much that i can’t keep it in anymore,” hao spoke and he pulled the rose heart from behind his back hao & hanbin was written delicately on the card in his beautiful handwriting and hanbin pinched himself just to make sure the sight in front of him was actually real.
“but… you said…?” he managed to breathe out.
“it was never siwoo,” hao admittedly shyly, his face a burning red, “there was only ever you.”
“fuck,” hanbin breathed out feeling tears begin to form in his eyes, “hao i love you so much.”
he didn’t waste a second after that tugging the rose heart free from hao’s hands so the he could wrap his arms around the smaller boy and hold him impossibly close. hanbin’s heart was beating so fast, his mind was racing, the tears had now began to free fall down his face but god, hao loved him. zhang hao loved him, only him.
they pulled back after a minute and hanbin just stared at his best friend’s face awed, he was so beautiful, impossibly beautiful with his eyes glistening from the pure happiness and a blinding smile lying on his lips. no sight would ever come close, not the seven wonders of the ancient world, not the sight of the stars in the nights sky, not the northern lights as they wrapped their colours around earth’s skies, nothing would be as mystifying as the sight of hao in that moment.
“i made the lollipop for you,” hao spoke as he reached into his tote bag and handed hanbin the lollipop along with the greetings card, “don’t read the card here, i don’t want those two making fun of me,” he giggled almost disbelievingly.
“i’ll treasure it,” hanbin couldn’t help but beam in response, “i’m so happy, i’m too happy.”
“there’s no such thing,” hao smiled as he leaned up to brush away some of the stray tears on hanbin’s cheeks, “i’m sorry for tricking you, you can blame taerae he said that i should use talking about siwoo as a way to prove to myself that you actually liked me back and-“
“well he has a lot to answer for,” gyuvin spoke, “do you know how many texts i got from hanbin threatening to drive into oncoming traffic this week? it’s embarrassingly really.”
“please never mention that ever again,” hanbin responded to the younger although his voice fell short of the level of annoyance he wanted to add and he still sounded dazed.
it wasn’t until later that night wrapped up in the blankets next to hao in his bedroom that he opened the letter.
my hanbin,
you’ll only be reading this letter if my confession went well so i feel confident in telling you everything here.
ricky asked me once what you meant to me and i told him you were a bit like a lighthouse. i always thought i was like a boat on a rough sea, i was never grounded in one place and didn’t know which direction i wanted to move forward in but then there was you.
you were like a guiding light, you pulled me in and never let me go and i found a semblance of what it meant to be home with you. you treated me like i was everything, like i was precious and something worth so much love, you have so much love hanbin and i want nothing more than to you shower you with the same level of affection.
your beauty is so visible in everything you do. your soul is beautiful, your being is beautiful, your eyes, lips, nose, hair they’re all stunningly beautiful and i feel so lucky to even get to be your best friend. i can’t say much else because i can’t say for certainty that you will want me in the same way that i want you but i want nothing more in this bleak world than to hold on to your light and call you mine.
the night might be dark, the seas might be rough, i might be far from the shore but you’re the light, you’re my saviour. i love you hanbin, so much that these words fall short of how much i really mean it.
your hao.