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The first time they have sex, it's two weeks after Sirius' death. She's mourning a cousin she never really knew and he's mourning the brother he betrayed. They're a matched pair, she tells herself as she walks to Remus's room. Tonks knows he's interested, she's seen him looking at her, but she also knows Remus, knows he won't do anything about it, especially not now, and she'll have to push him.
It's awkward and Tonks ends up on her back, staring up at Remus as he scrunches his face up and comes. After he pulls out with an apologetic smile, he slides down the bed and takes up residence between her legs. His tongue laps her, driving her crazy with slow deliberate strokes, and she begins to think that maybe this won't be a complete waste after all.
She crosses her ankles behind his back when he inserts two fingers into her and, with almost no warning at all, her whole body tenses. Her orgasm is quick and almost painful, a reminder that it's been too long since the last time.
He rubs her thighs until they stop shaking then lies down beside her. Tonks tries to move closer to him, at least close enough so she can touch his hand but he just moves further away. He doesn't say anything and she falls asleep to the sounds of his shallow, even breathing.
In the morning, when she wakes, he's already gone, and Tonks rolls her eyes. She should have known he'd slip out early to avoid anything unpleasant, a completely unnecessary gesture.
She picks her clothes up off the floor and quickly dresses. She's feeling like purple hair today, she decides, as she enters her room and quickly puts on a fresh pair of robes.
Remus is in the kitchen already, sipping his tea and reading the paper while Snape picks at his toast.
"Morning!"
Snape rolls his eyes and replies, "Good morning, Nymphadora."
Remus says nothing, just stares at his papers like he wants to be part of them, and Tonks can feel herself deflate. She had hoped they'd be able to laugh about last night, maybe joke abut trying it again sometime. Instead, Remus looks like he wishes he had never gone near her and nothing makes a situation unpleasant like being ignored the morning after.
Tonks helps herself to some toast and sits at the table opposite Snape. The three of them sit without saying a word, the only sounds the flicking of the newspapers and crunching of toast, until Remus clears his throat.
"Well," he says, "I'll be in the study finishing up some reports for Albus if anyone needs me."
Snape gives no indication that he heard him and Tonks forces herself to swallow her toast as Remus walks out without giving her a second glance. She stares at the door trying to work out what to do until Snape says, "I hope you don't think you're the first person to moon over Lupin only to be ignored."
"What are you on about?"
Snape stands up and send his dish to the sink. "This house is not as large as you think it is, and you are not as quiet as you might like to believe."
The man really is insufferable, Tonks thinks as she leaves the kitchen. The door to the study is closed and Tonks traces the pattern on the door with her eyes before she knocks. Lupin's faint voice implores her to come in and Tonks turns the handle quickly.
He's sitting at the big desk when she enters the room. Lupin glances up and then quickly looks back down as he asks, "Everything all right?"
The words are on the tip of her tongue; she is ready to force the conversation but instead she asks, "Do you want any tea?"
Remus holds up his teacup. "I've got some, but thank you."
"Okay." Tonks leaves the study and closes the door behind her. Halfway down the hall, she stops, casts a silencing charm, and yells. Once she is feeling better, she removes the charm and continues to the kitchen to make some tea.
Over the course of the next week, she looks for the perfect time to bring it up, to ask him what it all means. They're in the middle of a war though, and the time is never right. Besides, Remus never stays still long enough for Tonks to talk to him about the weather, let alone what happened between them.
Nine days later, Tonks is training with the Aurors when she is hit with a stray Cruciatus. On the whole, it's an unpleasant experience and one she could live without. The Ministry forces her to stay in St. Mungo's overnight, something about making sure there are no lasting effects that she can blame on them, and it's the loneliest night of her life.
Tonks' first stop the next morning is Grimmauld Place. She lets Molly fuss over her for a bit before she heads up to her room to bathe. It feels like heaven, the warm water washing away the last of her aches and the antiseptic smell of the hospital ward.
When she walks back into her room, Remus is sitting on her bed, elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped together. He's staring at something only he can see, and Tonks has to clear her throat to get his attention.
He leaps up from the bed. "How are you feeling?"
"Better." Tonks smiles. "My mum always said a hot bath was the best cure for any ailment."
Remus nods and moves his hand up to her face. He grabs a piece of her hair, currently pink, and murmurs, "I was worried when I heard the news."
"I'm sorry."
Now his whole hand is in her hair, cupping her head, and Tonks has to stop herself from leaning into it. Her eyes close against her will.
"It's not your fault." His voice is low and it sounds as though he's right next to her ear, whispering into it.
She doesn't want to break the spell and send him running, but as always, her mouth gets the better of her. "Remus, what are you doing?"
Instead of answering her, his hands run up and down her side before coming to a rest on her waist. Tonks' eyes pop open in surprise just as Remus presses his lips against hers. She darts her tongue out to lick his lips and his mouth opens under hers. He captures her tongue with his mouth and sucks it in. The kiss goes on, their tongues sliding against one another until Remus breaks the kiss.
He pulls away from her only to undo the belt on her dressing gown, and gives her a wolfish smile. In return, she undoes his trousers and winks at him as her hand finds his erection. He groans low and bends his head to her shoulder to mouth it.
Tonks manages to keep her wits about her just long enough to guide him to the bed. She lies back on the bed and he climbs on top of her. Remus goes slower this time around and they manage to establish some kind of a rhythm. Tonks presses her hands against the headboard and braces herself as Remus moves inside her. It's not enough to make her come but it's enough to make her tighten around him.
After he comes, he pulls out and uses his teeth and fingers on her. She fists her hands in the sheets and forces herself to concentrate enough to watch him. That alone is enough to push her over the edge. This time it isn't quick and painful but a wave of pleasure throughout her body, and her back arches off the bed.
Tonks is floating hazily, enjoying it, when she realizes that Remus has gotten off the bed and is using her towel to clean himself up. He doesn't speak and Tonks pushes herself up on her elbows. He's rearranging his cardigan and smoothing his hair, all the while avoiding her gaze.
"Remus," she says softly. "Are you going to be like this every time we have sex?"
He looks up. "I'm sorry, Tonks. I shouldn't have come here tonight. I heard you had been injured and I was concerned. My emotions simply got the best of me. I promise you that it won't happen again."
"Is that what you told yourself after the last time?" Remus says nothing, his eyes skim over her face and focus on a spot over her shoulder. She continues, "Why shouldn't it happen again? We're good at it, and it's not hurting anyone."
"Do you honestly believe that? Surely you know I can't give you anything more than this."
"I don't want anything more." Her eyes are hot and itchy but she blinks quickly and they feel normal again. "I just want this."
Remus makes eye contact and holds it. He doesn't say anything for a bit and just when Tonks is beginning to think that it's all for nothing, he nods and says, "All right."
At first, Tonks tries to keep it quiet but with Moody catching her sneaking out of Remus's room and Snape saying that the smell of a werewolf in heat makes him nauseous, it's a bit impossible. Eventually, everyone in the Order knows, even though no one says anything to either one of them.
At the beginning of August, Tonks gives up any pretence and moves her belongings into Remus's room. He stiffens that night when she climbs into bed and pulls away from her when she touches his shoulder.
In the morning, as Tonks is slowly waking up, he sits next to her on the bed and says, "I suspect that you've forgotten what I told you."
"I'm tired of having to search for my things every time I sleep here." Tonks plays with the covers and takes a breath before she says what she's been thinking for the past two weeks. "Would it really be so different if we were in an actual relationship?"
Remus's face is sad as he replies, "You keep forgetting something about me, Tonks." He starts to speak and then stops before he continues, "I can never give you the life you deserve. I knew this was a mistake."
"Don't say that. It's not a mistake." Tonks tries to keep the panic she's feeling out of her voice but she hears her voice shake and she knows she's failing miserably. "I'm not asking for marriage or children. I'm just asking for us to be together."
Remus stands up and heads to the door. Before he walks out, he looks at her and says, "Goodbye."
Tonks waits in his bed that night but he doesn't come home. She finally falls asleep around three, tossing and turning all night until finally getting up around eight. There's still no sign of Remus.
On her way to the kitchen, she passes Snape in the hall and he mutters good morning. He almost looks as though he feels sorry for her and she is suddenly queasy.
Molly is in the kitchen when Tonks enters, and she says, "Morning, dear. How are you?"
"Molly, you haven't heard from Remus, have you? He didn't come home yesterday."
"Didn't he tell you?" Molly stops stirring the porridge and turns to face Tonks.
"Tell me what?"
The twins Apparate into the kitchen and Molly waves them away with her spoon. They pop back out and she answers, "He's gone to talk to the werewolves about joining with us. He won't be back for a few months, dear."
Tonks frowns as she sits down and tries to make some sense out of Molly's words. Behind her, Ron and Ginny enter the kitchen, bickering about something. They each grab a bowl of porridge from Molly and sit down at the end of the table, still arguing. Arthur bustles in, questioning Molly about a tie. He sits next to Ron and quickly gets involved in Ron and Ginny's debate, telling them that they are both wrong.
There's a jar of strawberry jam sitting on the table, the kind that Remus prefers, and Tonks reads the label absently while the morning takes shape around her. The kitchen fills with people clamoring for porridge and tea, but she doesn't move, just fingers the edge of the label.
Hermione sits down next to Tonks with a plate of toast and asks, "Tonks, can you pass the jam?"
"Hmm?" Tonks looks up and focuses on Hermione.
Hermione points to jam and repeats her question. "Can you pass the jam?"
Tonks slides it over to her and looks back down at the table. There's nothing she can do now but blink away the tears.