Chapter Text
Being fifteen felt like yesterday, but it was years ago.
Alex woke up with a groan, the new day didn’t bring anything new. It reminded him of his past more than he would have liked. In his last year at college, he felt the scars of his teens come alive to haunt him.
It was tumultuous and panic filled, nightmares of that moment he came to know Jackie had left without a word. His ability to place his trust in people had faded because if his own brother could betray him time and time again, why wouldn’t a stranger?
He squinted his eyes at the sunlight that crept through into his dark room. He dragged his cover over his head. It was hard work, getting to silence the thoughts in his head. He was a work in progress, he was aware of all the areas he had to be mindful of.
He had to remind himself he was his own person. He had to become secure, to know that he was enough as he is. That the love he gave away for free was actually priceless. That Kylie breaking off their friendship was so she could heal and he had no control over it. He had to come to terms with it, that life changed and so should he.
This dorm room felt huge or maybe it only felt like that since he was alone. He didn’t have Nathan sharing his room or Isaac yelling down the hallway. He could just rot beneath these sheets and no one would know.
But as he slumped in his bed, contemplating if he should skip calculus, there was a knock on the door.
He let it pass. Most cases it would be other students coming by to drop invitations to parties. But there was another knock and he pulled away his blanket to see the faint slit of shadow underneath the door.
“Who is it?”, he yelled out to see the shadow feet shuffle before answering.
“Sorry to bother you but I was told to meet you if I wanted to join the gaming club.”, he heard a voice.
He got out of bed in an instant. He would recognise that tone anywhere. He searched for a shirt as he pulled it over his head to then run past the mirror to make sure his face was alright.
It wasn’t, his hair was a mess, the sunlight had made his freckles stand out. On days like these he wished he looked more like Cole. The only ‘effect’ he had with people was off putting.
“I’ll probably come by another time.”, he heard the dejection in your voice as you began to move away and it threw him into overdrive.
He couldn’t care less about his appearance.
He reached for the door knob and yanked it open, his muddy green eyes catching yours. His throat ran dry, he froze.
He felt like he was fifteen again, not twenty three.
He watched you like he was trying to memorise the brush strokes on a painting he could never get up close. The dark curls of your hair, the deep tan in your skin, the flush of colour in your cheeks and your magnetic eyes.
There he stood, as though life had thought him nothing.
He didn’t know what to say.
He noticed you look away and the skeletons in his closet broke loose.
He was unravelling, his mind convincing him that you could see right through him.
He had to act fast, to work through this, so he stuck out his hand.
“Hi, I’m Alex Walter.”, he winced as he said it. He could see himself from your gaze. He sounded stupid.
But to his surprise, you took his hand.
“I know.”, you replied as your fingers wrapped around his palm.
“You’re the boy with the freckles.”, he heard you say and it made his cheeks flush.
“Ah yes, my only defining quality.”, he sighed as his smile faded.
He knew where this was going. It reminded him of who he wasn’t like. That this was his effect.
He let go of your hand as he folded his arms, he couldn’t help it, the way his body became defensive, ready to hide away.
He had done this before, give away his best in the hopes of a little attention so now he fought against it.
“Makes me stick out like a sore thumb.”, he shrugged his shoulders as he caught the change in your expression.
“Oh no, I didn’t mean to be rude.”, you panicked. He was taller than you with his toned arms crossed across his chest. You could tell the glimmer in his eye had vanished, now he looked at you as though he was seeing a ghost.
“I..”, you had lost your words. Where had all your confidence gone?
Your gaze shifted to catch a glimpse of him. His bed head hair mussed like he was a crazy scientist, his eyes reminding you of the meadows back home and his freckles that haunted your dreams, tempting you to reach up and touch his cheek.
“I just think it makes you look beautiful.”, you said, not realising the step you had taken towards him or that his eyes softened with that glow again.
His gaze dipped to your lips just as you looked up to see him.
He was incorrigible, just like his brother. Cause here he was feeling that blissful sense of warmth fill his heart as much as he had tried to run from it.
“Do you?”, he whispered before he could catch himself
“I…”, you were about to respond to his question when he shifted his weight and the moment broke.
“Do you want to come by to a club event today?”, he changed the question.
You thought it was for the best. Alex Walter deserved someone who wasn’t a wreck like you.
He was a coward. All those moments of convincing himself to build up his courage to take on a new adventure had all boiled down to nothing, cause truth be told he was scared.
He was scared of all the love he held for you.