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It wasn’t very often that Johnnie got burnt out.
Sure, he was a depressed kid, but that just came with his past, and his brain.
It wasn’t really a choice, it was mostly just something he had to live with.
Usually though, when Johnnie got depressive, it was because he was scared, for his future, for his present, and for his past, but that wasn’t burnout. Recently, it felt to Johnnie, that perhaps he was dying. Not like he was sick, and like he felt ill all the time, more that he felt like his life force was leaving him.
Or maybe it was his soul.
Maybe his soul was dying.
He didn't even believe in that stuff… or maybe he did. He wasn’t sure, it was confusing, and made him sad to think about how pathetically small he was in the goddamn universe, if everyone living and dead had a soul, and he was just another speck of sand in the desert of everything.
So for now, he just accepted that he was tired. Tired of working, tired of doing so much. Because he was, for him, he was doing a LOT.
Videos every 3 days with Jake, streams every 2 days, all while maintaining his usual life. It wasn’t exactly hard work, it was just a lot more than he was used to.
As a result, he was sleeping as much as he could. And overall just doing more things that melted in a brain fog, rather than needing any proper mental thinking.
Twitter and Tiktok had been time vacuums for Johnnie, he was spending hours upon hours on the apps, every single day.
And that was when he wasn’t just lying or sitting somewhere, staring at the wall.
Which he did awfully often as well.
Jake had noticed.
Obviously.
When Johnnie started sleeping until 5:pm it was hard to not notice. But when Jake asked Johnnie what was wrong, Johnnie didn’t have an answer. Because he knew he was tired as fuck, but he was more unfeeling than sad, like his typical mental breaks.
His usual breakdowns had him hiding, hiding in closets, in small rooms, hell, under his bed, crying and cutting and trying to forget. Now, he was constantly trying to remember. Remember who his friends were, when he last talked to them, when he next needed to talk to them, remember what plans he had for the next day, remind himself that he needed to do them, and couldn’t just stay at home. He was trying to remember the time, when he fell asleep, when he last ate, when he needed to get up.
The time was consistently pulled away from him.
It was kind of scary, but Johnnie couldn’t find it in himself to really care.
The only thing left in his life was sleep, and he was still always tired.
That was how he got here. It was 1 in the morning on a usual Wednesday. Jake was asleep in his bed, and across the house, Johnnie was lying awake.
He was staring at the ceiling, feeling locked into his body. Half formed thoughts were swirling around his head, and he couldn’t concentrate on anything.
He felt dead.
Like a rotting corpse.
It was an effort to move his body, but he knew he needed to, lest his skin start festering.
He felt like it would.
He couldn’t hear his heart, couldn’t feel his breathing.
When he used to get like this, he would rely on Alex. Because Alex was weird like him, and understood that sometimes, you needed somebody else to remind you that you were alive.
But now she was gone.
He still had Jake.
Too tired, and deadened to really care what the brunette thought, Johnnie got up, and drifted to Jake’s room, softly knocking on Jake’s door with shaking hands.
“Can I come in?” Johnnie hoarsely whispered, his voice broken with disuse. The brunette clearly didn’t wake up with the first weak whisper, so Johnnie tried again,
“Jake, please can I come in?” He said it stronger this time, his voice still cracking over the words.
“Johnnie? Yeah sure dude.” Jake said, voice thick with sleep.
Pushing open the door, Johnnie stepped in, loose plaid sleep pants
slung low on his skinny hips. Nothing was covering his chest, and his skin looked almost translucent in the dull light.
He stood there, swaying with exhaustion for a few moments, and there was an awkward beat of silence before Jake seemed to realize something was wrong, and sat up a little, blearily blinking sleep away. “Johnnie? Are you okay?” concern leaked through the tiredness in his tone.
“Yeah, I’m just tired.” Johnnie slurred, stepping unsteadily towards Jake.
“Can...can I listen to your heart?” Johnnie asked, his tone unselfconscious, purely because of exhaustion.
There was another beat of silence while Jake processed what Johnnie had just asked. “Sure dude.” He said hesitantly, a confused smile pasted across his face. Sliding across the floor towards Jake, Johnnie all but toppled over onto the brunette, Jake letting out a startled “Oomph” of air as Johnnie pressed himself to Jake’s chest.
Hearing the steady thump of Jake’s heart behind his skin and bones immediately calmed Johnnie, the solid beat making Johnnie press his ear closer, burying his face into Jake’s chest, who let out a laugh, and pulled Johnnie carefully further into his bed, tugging the blankets over the both of them. Johnnie let out a sound akin to a purr, a drained huff of air exhaled onto Jake’s bicep.
“Thanks.” Johnnie said meekly, curling his limbs around Jake like a cat, hugging the brunette close.
“ ‘s fine.” Jake replied wearily, already drifting back to sleep, Johnnie’s weight comforting, like a blanket, but warmer and firmer. Johnnie pressed his face close one last time, holding his ear as close to Jake’s heart as he could, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths of relief as he finally, finally had something to remind him he was alive.
He slept there, safe and warm in the circle of Jake’s arms, the movement of Jake’s breathing relaxing him in a way words couldn’t explain. Just everything about him.
Even his smell, it wasn’t exactly clean, but it was just so Jake and Johnnie couldn’t help but love it, inhaling deeply and woozily, as if it was a drug.
But maybe to him it was.
All that mattered to Johnnie right then was that Jake was alive, and cared enough about him and his quirks to let the dark haired man listen to his heart.