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Van felt like her life was just a series of events that left her constantly wondering how the fuck she had gotten into the situations she was in. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing but ten months ago Van had been living in Ohio ready to die and now she and Tai were about to start the holiday season and Sammy was coming over almost every weekend and things were just good. The fall did bring with it a lot of flare ups of chronic pain for Van but she was managing as best she could and she had convinced Tai to get a cat so she had very few complaints.
The very specific situation she was in currently was one she hadn’t ever thought too hard about happening and she was only mildly terrified of it.
It had started on Monday, they had been in DC and they were going out for dinner with some people Tai knew, Van didn’t ask too many questions at this point outside of what the dress code was. They were in the car when Simone had called them a little frantic.
“Hi Taissa, is there anyway that you can take Sammy this weekend, I know we had planned for him to be with me but my aunt, you remember Grace that lived in Connecticut, she passed away last night and I really don’t want to expose him to that especially since she only met him when he was a baby so it would be like a funeral for a stranger essentially.”
“Oh god, I’m sorry about Grace, she was such a nice woman. But this weekend I actually have to be in DC working pretty much all weekend…” Tai trailed off and then looked over at Van who was driving, white knuckling the steering wheel as usual.
“But,” Tai started, looking away from Van as she did, “If you’re open to it and as long as she’s okay with it, what if he stayed with Van?”
“I mean I’m totally okay with that, but Van would you be okay with that?”
Van didn’t actually remember thinking after that point.
“Yeah of course, anything I can do to help. I’ll drive up Thursday afternoon so I can get the house ready for Friday, you can drop him off after school if you want just because I don’t know if they’d let me pick him up otherwise I’d say I could get him there and you could drop off his stuff whenever.”
“Oh my god thank you so much Van, seriously thank you. But you are on the pick up list for him so if we could maybe use that plan?”
“Y-yeah of course, I can text you when we get to the restaurant to hammer out the details,” Van said while pulling up to the valet parking.
“Okay great, thanks again!”
They got out of the car and were escorted to their table, they were early of course. So the two of them sat down and ordered drinks while Tai sent off a quick text to whoever they were eating with and Van sent one to Simone.
“Are you sure you’re okay with this Van? You look kind of freaked out and I know I kind of put you on the spot.”
“No I mean I’m happy to be able to help, I’m just surprised that I was already on the pick up list. But like as far as watching him I mean it’s kind of a no brainer, I'm not even working right now so I'm like perpetually free and he knows me so it makes sense.”
“Why wouldn’t you be on the pick up list?”
“I don’t know I mean I’m not his parent, I’m his mom’s girlfriend, god that feels like we’re in high school.”
“Van you’re pretty much his step mom at this point.”
“Yeah but you know my feelings on that, I want to be whatever Sammy wants me to be to him I am letting him tell me what he wants.”
“Oh Van.” Tai said, smiling at her.
Van figured while she had somewhat of an opening she would bring up the one thing she and Tai had differing opinions on.
“You know I love spending time with Sammy, but I wouldn’t mind maybe being his moms employed girlfriend.”
“Van you need to be resting.”
“Babe, I had surgery in like January and was declared cancer free like right after that, it’s September. The pain I have is chronic and I mean I’ve had issues since the wolf attack. I can’t let that define the rest of my life.”
“Where would you even want to reopen the store?”
“I mean DC would probably be easier but then I’d never see Sammy because I’d have to be here like full time so Wiskayok would probably be the best place. Or maybe one of the towns surrounding it.”
“That Van, is why you’re on the pick up list, every choice you make with your life you think about him, just like Simone and I do. It’s just one more reason to love you. And I promise we will talk more and seriously about reopening the store in Jersey but Kathleen and John just walked in so let’s table it for right now.”
“You did not tell me it was Kathleen and John, you know I can’t stand either of them.”
*
Van drove down after having lunch with Tai on Thursday with their cat, which was really more Van’s cat, Sandy. Sandy had been a surprise for Van who had been wanting to get a cat for months, Tai thought she was hilarious in getting an orange cat that matched Van’s hair. But Sandy had taken to Van immediately, she even liked Sammy too, and she was the perfect car companion for Van’s many drives to and from DC.
Once she got home she made sure they had kid friendly snacks and drinks and just generally opened the house back up after the two of them had been gone for the last four days.
It was always weird being there without Tai but she tried not to think too hard about it and just ended up watching Miss Congeniality and playing with the laser with Sandy until she passed out on the couch by accident.
*
She woke up on the couch on Friday morning at seven to a cat asleep on her hip and a text from Simone that she would be by in what would be half an hour to drop off Sammy’s things for the weekend. Van gently extracted herself from the cat and got up to make coffee, not even thinking about the fact that she was in one of Tai’s Columbia sweaters and a pair of boxers.
She didn’t even realize it till she was about three steps away from opening the door to let Simone in. She opened the door and just hoped Simone didn’t think she was too much of a mess because of it. Which she realized she didn’t need to worry about because she was in sweats and a tshirt looking just about as awake as Van.
“Hey come on in.”
“Hi, thank you so much for watching him Van I mean seriously you are a lifesaver.”
“It’s really no issue at all, it’ll be a fun time.You can just toss his stuff in the living room and I’ll bring it up when I go get dressed. Do you want some coffee before you go?”
“Oh my god yes please.”
The two of them went into the kitchen and stood at the island, coffee in hand and both of them silent for a few minutes.
“I’m sorry about your aunt, that’s really unfortunate.”
“Thank you, it is but she was ninety two so it was a life well lived for sure.”
They were quiet for a minute while they both sipped their coffee.
“So do you have anything fun planned for this weekend?”
“I’m gonna leave it up to him honestly, Tai is more the planner, I am more than okay with just like watching movies or if he wants to go to the park. I am really just going with it.”
“He’ll probably love that, I feel like we accidentally schedule like every weekend of his life, especially since he’s really only here on the weekends and not during the week.”
“Yeah with Tai’s schedule the week can be crazy but I think she and I would both like it if we spent a little more time here rather than DC.”
“I mean if that were ever the case I think Sammy would be thrilled to have some more time here with you both.”
“We love having him here too, I mean it really is the highlight of our week a lot of the time.”
“He loves it too, he loves telling his friends at school all about the stuff he does with you two.”
Van smiled and it wasn’t lost on her that she was included in this, it wasn’t just his time with Tai but his time with Van too. Before she could come up with a response though, Simone's phone went off and she had to rush out the door leaving Van with six hours until she needed to pick up Sammy.
Thankfully for Van it was not hard for her to find a way to spend six hours, meaning that she got to watch some new releases she knew Tai absolutely did not want to watch and then when she had half an hour left before she had to leave she ran upstairs, tossed Sammy’s stuff in his room and threw on jeans and a rugby shirt before heading over to pick Sammy up.
Van knew where his school was, she did, but she had never done pickup before. Usually if Tai did she hung at home to get something ready or she just didn’t feel like leaving the house so she had never been. So sitting in the pick up line she just watched what everyone else was doing and hoped that Sammy remembered what her truck looked like.
Turns out she didn’t need to worry because with in minutes a little body was slamming itself into the driver's side door, a mildly stressed looking teacher trailing behind.
“Hi,” She started, tucking a piece of blonde hair behind her ear. She looked young, probably right out of college and she looked like she was hoping Van didn’t cause a scene which made Van wonder how mean some of these parents were to the teachers.
“I hate to ask because clearly Sammy knows you and he wouldn't stop talking all day about how you were coming to pick him up but can I just get your name and ID to double check because I just I have too, i’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, Vanessa Palmer, let me grab my ID for you.” Van pulled out her ID and the teacher checked it and apologized about four more times before letting them go, Sammy hopping right in the car.
“Hey bud, how was school?” Van tried not to think too hard about his teacher saying he was excited for her to pick him up all day.
“It was fine, kind of boring but we got to do an art project because it was Friday.”
“Well that’s cool, you’ll have to show me and your mom when it’s done.”
“I will, hey Van?”
“Yeah?”
“Since when is your name Vanessa?”
Van laughed, “Well since birth but no one really calls me that ever.”
“Does mom call you that?”
“Not if she wants me to respond.”
“So what are we doing this weekend?”
Van laughed at his quick change of subject, “Well, what do you want to do?”
“Can we get a lego set to build this weekend?”
“Yeah, we can stop at Target on the way home and maybe pick up some pizza for dinner tonight, how does that sound?”
“Yes please!”
“You got it,” Van laughed and turned to go to the store, ordering the food on her phone before they went in and heading straight back to the Lego section. If they left with two lego sets, candy, mountain dew, and a new stuffed lion, who was to blame Van.
*
They had gone back to the house and ate their food and then watched a movie before Simone and then Tai back to back facetimed, with Van promising to facetime Tai again once she put Sammy to bed. She sent him up to shower and get ready for bed while she cleaned up and an hour later he was at the top of the stairs calling for her to put him to bed.
She walked upstairs and he was sitting on his bed waiting for her. Van was really never not amazed at how well he behaved generally but especially for her.
She stood at the foot of his bed and started looking at the books case while he got into bed.
“So what kind of book are you thinking for tonight?”
“Can we just talk for a little bit instead?”
Van was taken aback but tried not to let it show and nodded, “Yeah we can do that, what do you want to talk about?”
“Can you tell me about how you and mom met?”
Van smiled and went to sit on the edge of his bed, “Well we met in high school because we both played soccer.”
“If you’ve known mom for so long how come I only just got to meet you a few months ago?”
“Well your mom and I loved each other like so much but we went through some really hard stuff together and we both were just trying our best and for a while that meant we couldn’t see each other.”
“Are you guys going to have to be apart again?”
Van could tell what he was really asking, are you going to leave, and she felt a knife in her heart.
“No, that won’t happen ever again.”
“Good, I really don’t want you to go away, Van.”
“Well good because I’m not going away any time soon. Now how about you get some sleep and in the morning we can have some donuts for breakfast, alright?”
“Okay!”
Van laughed and got up turning off the light.
“Night Van, love you!”
“I Love you too Sammy, sleep tight.”
*
Van called Tai three times before she answered.
“Jesus christ Van I was in the shower, is everything okay?”
“I was putting him to bed and he said night, love you. Tai, he told me he loved me.”
“Yeah because he does because you’re his stepmom.”
“He didn’t even want a story, he just wanted to ask me how we met and make sure we weren’t going to break up again.”
“Van he’s a kid who’s mom’s got divorced and one of them is supremely fucked and had to have like supervised fucking visitation with him for months. Imagine living through that and then it’s like oh by the way mom also has a new girl friend I mean he’s eight and that would be a lot for anyone. But he got to have you as the new girlfriend. You who got down on his level and let him trace your scars so he wouldn’t be afraid of them. You’re kind of like the best case scenario for a stepmom I’m pretty sure.”
“Logically I know you’re probably right but I do kind of feel like a fraud because like ten months ago I was the farthest thing away from being stepmom of the year.”
“Van, your first question when I told you what I had done when I showed up at your place was if Sammy had seen the altar. You’ve always been like this.”
Van groaned and laid back onto her bed hating how right Tai was sometimes.
Van and Tai talked for a little over an hour, Tai telling her about her day and everything she had planned for next and Van telling her about the Legos they had bought and specifically not telling her about the Mountain Dew she had bought.
Van hung up and showered, changing into one of Tai’s Columbia Alumni Sweaters and a pair of boxers and climbing into bed.
*
The next morning the clock read six, or it would have if Van had been able to read it. She woke up and immediately was leaning over to throw up into the, there for this reason exactly, bucket next to her side of the bed. Van felt like her head was splitting in half, even the sliver of light coming in between the curtains was too much and her entire jaw was stiff and painful with the pain radiating down her neck and back and to her pelvis. It was easily one of the worst pain days she had in months.
She used what little energy she did have to turn over and pull the covers back over her head, willing the pain to go away enough that she could maybe take some pain meds. She didn’t even realize that she had fallen back asleep until there was a soft knock at the door.
“Van?” A small voice asked, she could tell there was concern in his voice and she cursed herself for putting it there after everything he’d been through with Tai’s sleep walking.
“Hey Sam, sorry I slept in so late, what time is it?”
“Almost nine, can we have donuts?”
Van slowly sat up nodding, “Yeah of course, let me get my phone and I’ll order them to the house okay?”
“Okay!”
‘“Okay awesome, why don’t you go put some cartoons on in the living room and I’ll be down in a few.”
Sammy agreed and Van waited till his footsteps were far away before she leaned over and threw up again. Van sighed and forced herself up, making herself clean out the bucket and shoving pain meds down her throat. She was grateful that Sammy was old enough that she could do this, get herself ready upstairs while the tv entertained him. She put in an order for donuts even though she knew she more than likely would not be eating anything today and decided to take a very quick shower before she went down stairs.
Once she was showered and in sweatpants and an old t shirt she headed down just in time to get the donuts and bring them to the kitchen, getting some apple juice ready for Sammy and pulling out a ginger ale for herself, throwing it in a coffee mug so she didn’t look like she was having soda for breakfast.
“Sammy, breakfast”
She heard him rush into the room and he was quickly picking out his donut and then joining her at the breakfast nook that Van still thought was too much kitchen seating for two, sometimes three people to have.
Van sat there, a death grip on her coffee mug with Sammy across from her eating his donut, a smile on his face. A smile that fell when he looked up at Van.
“Van, are you okay?”
Van took a deep breath, willing herself not to vomit and to get this answer out, she really didn’t ever want Sammy to see her like this. God what if she scared him by being like this?
“You remember how for a while I was really sick and your mom was taking care of me?”
“A little.”
“And remember when I told you about the wolf attack from when I was younger?”
“Yeah, that’s why you have your scars.”
“Yeah, so I’m okay most of the time, but sometimes I have flare ups of pain from those two things and today I woke up with one so I’m okay I just don’t feel super well.”
“Can you do anything to make it go away?” Sammy asked her, and she could tell he wasn’t asking because he felt inconvenienced by her health. She could hear the concern in his little voice, the genuine hope there was a way to make her feel better.
“I took some pain medication but it’s probably just going to be a slow movie day if that’s okay with you.”
“You can watch me build my Legos while the movies are on,” Sammy said with a smile and Van smiled back very thankful he was such a good kid.
*
Even though Sammy was okay with just building his Legos while Van rested she still did feel some guilt that she couldn’t be as involved as she would like to be and for her to feel this awful and be responsible for someone other than herself was new.
She was on the couch with Sandy curled in her lap and Sammy at the coffee table building something Marvel on the table, Finding Nemo on in the background. For lunch she had reheated some of the leftover pizza from the night before because it was about all she had energy for and she had even let him eat it on the coffee table, making him promise to not tell Tai about it.
At some point between lunch and dinner Van had fallen asleep and when she woke up she was panicked, afraid of what could have happened to Sammy because god knows how long she had been out for but when she looked around she found that Sandy was on her lap and Sammy was curled into her side taking a nap of her own.
She snapped a weirdly angled pick to send to Tai and ordered some Chinese food for Sammy for dinner, ordering some soup for herself before gently waking him up.
“Hey Sam, time to get up, dinner will be here soon.”
He looked up at her groggy with big brown eyes, “Are you feeling any better?” he asked.
Van could here the hope in his voice and it wasn’t lost on her that it was his first question.
“A little yeah, I even ordered myself some soup. Why don’t you go get cleaned up and meet me back here for another living room picnic for dinner, alright?”
He nodded and ran off to wash up while she grabbed the food from the driver and got everything into plates and bowls.
*
They were sitting and finishing up their food, one of the Spiderman movies on in the background, when Sammy looked over at Van.
“Van, can I ask you something, it’s about what happened with the wolves.”
Van took a deep breath to steel herself and gave him a smile, “Of course you can Sam.”
“Okay, well if it happened a really long time ago, why do you still have pain from it?”
“Well you remember how I told you that when it happened I was stuck in the woods?”
“Yeah”
“Okay so we were in the woods and one of the other girls sewed up my face and your mom and the others took such good care of me but there was a lot that wasn’t done exactly right because we were kids and in the woods.”
“Like what?”
“Well, the stitches were not great because they were done by a kid and everything so there’s a lot of scar tissue there and really it was a big injury and not having any access to a doctor made it so some things never healed quite right.”
“But why can’t they help you now?”
“It was a long time after the wolf bit me that I was out of the woods and able to see a doctor and by that point somethings just couldn’t be fixed. I think with how bad the attack was, maybe I would have always had some pain but it’s just worse because I wasn’t able to see a doctor for so long.”
“Does it hurt everyday?”
“Most days it’s just a little stiff, it usually doesn’t hurt like this”
“Did the wolf do anything else when he bit you?”
Talking about the wolf attack and the aftermath and all of the impacts it had on her life was genuinely one of Van’s least favorite things to talk about in the entire world. She had gone over it to many times because she had no other choice after they were rescued, but sitting there with Sammy she could tell he was asking because he cared about her and he genuinely wanted to know how the attack had impacted her health and her day to day. So even though she fucking hated talking about it she took another deep breath and steeled herself to continue having this conversation.
“Well most of what he injured was my face so I have a lot of pain there but I also lost a lot of my vision in that eye so I can only see like twenty percent out of that eye and he attacked my arm too like around my shoulder so just like my face I get some pain there sometimes too.”
Sammy looked at Van and was quiet for a few seconds and Van sat there worrying if she had shared too much and had life permanently scarred him.
“I’m really glad my mom saved you from that wolf Van.”
“Me too bud, me too.”
*
After being emotionally taken out during their dinner conversation the rest of their night was fairly quiet which Van was thankful for. Sammy had gone and taken his shower and got ready for bed, facetiming his moms again and another promise to Tai that she would call her back later.
Tonight he told Van he wanted to read a little on his own but he would call her in to say good night. Van had a feeling he just didn’t want to make her read but the migraine she has been desperately trying to keep at bay all day didn’t complain about not having to read a chapter to him.
When she went in he told her again that he loved her and she felt like she was in a parallel universe again because really how had she gotten here, how had she gotten so lucky.
*
Once she was sure he was asleep she went into her room and called Tai again, Tai answering on the first ring.
“Hey Van, how was today?”
“Well I started my day by throwing up and had one of the worst flare ups I have had in months.”
“Oh my god no, I am so sorry. This was a bad idea. I shouldn't have volunteered you, I’m sorry you shouldn’t have had to do this when you’re in pain.”
“Tai calm down, it actually went fairly well, he knew something was up and I was really transparent with him about my chronic pain and he took it super well and we had a chill day. I fell asleep at some point and woke up with both him and Sandy curled into me.”
“I mean I’m glad that it was a good day but I still feel bad.”
“This is just a part of my life, Tai, and I won’t always be able to put everything on hold to deal with it.”
“I know logically you’re right but like I still don’t like it.”
“I know, but really it was okay and at dinner he felt comfortable enough to ask me some more about the wolf attack and how it like still impacts me and all that.”
“I’m sorry, I know you hate talking about it.”
“I do but I could tell he was just like genuinely trying to understand me better so I told him enough and he said he was very glad you saved me so I think I’m calling that a parenting win.”
“Did you just say parenting, because you are in fact a parent to him?”
Van groaned, “You know what I mean Tai.”
Tai laughed, “All I know is that you’re a great bonus mom.”
“Oh my god ew Tai, we agreed to never call me that again.”
The two of them spent the rest of the phone call laughing and Tai Telling Van she was excited to see her again Monday and maybe after work they could talk more about reopening her store.
When Van went to bed that night she was still in pain, that would never fully go away and she knew that but god was she glad to have a life now that made the pain bearable.