Work Text:
Matthew's never been good at remembering faces.
He realizes that as he stands by Hanbin, who forced him to greet the endless amount of people pouring into the banquet hall with him though Hao had let him off the hook. He wanted to groan and throw a tantrum, maybe then he could leave, but then he'd feel bad that he couldn't do such a simple thing for one of his best friend's wedding.
He bit back all the nasty comments he wanted to make and just smiled and bowed like Hanbin was doing.
The three of them had been inseparable since they had met in the first year of Matthew's College life. Much like himself, Hao was a transfer student in year 3 while Hanbin was in year 2. He was in his first year and he had absolutely no clue how he would go about his uni life.
God gifted him Hanbin and Hao to him in the form of roommates, and he couldn't thank him enough for that.
He feels like he has known them since forever though it's been barely a decade. He still remembers the day Hao had told him and Hanbin of his little crush on Kuanjui, another exchange student. Hao had crushed before, and even had boyfriends, but Jui was always different. Matthew always looked at them with such disbelief. How could two people be just so perfect for each other? He didn't know.
Unlike Hao though, him and Hanbin hadn't had much luck in the dating scene. Hanbin could never find just the one, always something holding them back, whereas Matthew, well he's a special case.
"He's never been in love," Hao once told Jui when the boy had asked him about Matthew's love life. And Matthew looked at him sourly. It wasn't quite his fault that he hadn't been in love. Hanbin rubbed his back soothingly, he was used to it.
Hanbin had loved before contrary to him, his first love was when he was in middle school. The typical puppy love that you see in dramas. He's been in a couple relationships after too, but he's not too keen on getting into one as of now, he was too happy being free and he'd had a fair share of heartbreaks and trauma he needed to deal with.
"Hyung how much longer till we can finish this up?" Matthew asks Hanbin as he still bows to everyone passing by. He hears a sigh from the elder.
"Just till Jui's sisters return Seokmae, hopefully they'll be here soon," Hanbin answers. Matthew rolls his eyes internally. Hao owed them both a big fat dinner at that expensive Thai restaurant, screw that he owed them 20 dinners over.
Matthew ignores the discomfort the dress shoes gave him and has a pleasant expression on his face. He wanted Hao to not have to hear about the boy who was welcoming guests with a big frown. The things he had to do in the name of friendship.
He also found himself bored. It wasn't very easy for him to humor himself with all that was happening and all that he was expected to do.
He hummed to himself for a while, but his throat was getting dried so he had to stop. He tried counting the number of heads passing by, but he started feeling dizzy when he reached 28.
He wished he could call Jui's sisters to ask them to come back quick, but he knew they were out preparing the decorations for the celebration. The two boys had really planned for the most grandiloquent engagement party, as expected from them. They'd fantasized about how big and elegant their wedding would be every anniversary of theirs. Matthew has to admit, it was pretty emotional even to him to see all this come to life.
"Hyung whose that?" He asks Hanbin, pointing to a random person he sees.
"That's Xiaoting, Hao's school mate I believe, they were very close before Hao arrived in Korea," he explains. Hanbin had always been good with faces and he could never forget one, while it took Matthew a week with a person to be able to remember them accurately. Polar opposites.
Matthew found it interesting to ask and learn who everyone was and Hanbin seemed to have no problem explaining it to him.
Matthew points to a good amount of people and Hanbin tells him what he knows.
"So that's the aunt of Jui's who tried to set him up with her daughter?" Matthew asks as he remembers the time when Hao had sulked to them about the whole incident when it was happening. It's funny now, but back then it really seemed like the end of the world
Hanbin nods laughing at the memory himself. He had to drag Hao from his bed all the way to Jui's house so the two could talk it out.
In the sea of black and brown hair, Matthew finds a head stuck out to him. The owner of said head was tall, much taller than most of the attendees and he also had bright white hair.
So naturally he asks Hanbin "Whose that?"
Hanbin squints his eyes to look at where Matthew's hands are pointing. Once he finds the head, his eyes become evident with recognition.
"Oh! That's Ricky! Remember Hao used to tell us about his favorite cousin? The one he hangs out with almost every week? That's him, it's a shame you have never joined us for a hangout, he's very pleasant," Hanbin says. He looks at the boy closer and says "The boy with him must be his boyfriend. He talks about him a lot,"
Matthew scrunches his face and tries to look at the faces of the two boys. He could barely see the boy this Ricky was with, all he could see was his brown hair.
But then, he catches a glimpse of Ricky's face. He was pretty good-looking, guess that ran in the family of Hao's. he couldn't lie, he was a little envious. But he knows he's not so bad himself. He'd totally think he was handsome if he saw someone like himself.
And finally he looks at the boy with him.
His breath stops in his throat. Suddenly he can't feel anything. The world stops for him.
Jiwoong. Kim Jiwoong.
It can't be.
The world mustn't be this cruel to him. Not now.
Matthew almost runs over to them, he almost goes and pulls Jiwoong into a hug, much like he urges to.
But he couldn't. Not when he knows the other doesn't remember him. He never even knew his name.
The plethora of memories hit him like a brick, and he stumbles back a little, his balance faltering. Hanbin immediately catches a hold of him.
"Matthew? What's wrong?" He asks him worry lacing his tone.
Jiwoong and Ricky are out of sight.
Matthew's eyes tear up, as he is reminded of the thoughts he desperately reserved for those days no one would be around him. Those days when all his thoughts would be of the same boy.
He breathed heavily, and Hanbin was alerted.
"Matthew talk to me," he asks him, momentarily forgetting about having to greet the guests.
But Matthew doesn't hear him. His mind was racing. He feels a familiar feeling of regret and discomfort run through his veins. He clutches the ends of the blazer he had on. He tries to calm himself, counting down numbers.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
He opens his eyes again. His head didn't spin as much as it did. His breath was okay. He could feel the layer of sweat all over his body, he feels all of his clothes stick on to him. He doesn't like the feeling.
Hanbin wasn't sure what had just happened. He'd figured out that it was serious, so he'd sent Kui's sister a text asking if she was up to take up the greetings and thankfully she readily accepted. He places his phone back into his trouser's pocket.
He looks up to Matthew who seems to be calmer.
He holds his hand.
"Matthew let's go somewhere else," he tells the younger before he pulls him away. Matthew doesn't say anything, he let's himself get dragged by Hanbin.
But to his luck, Hanbin dragged him through the place where all of the guests were gathering. And his eyes fall on Jiwoong once again. This time he gets a better look at the boy.
He had a different haircut from when he'd seen him. His face stayed the same, and so did his smile. He also notices the blonde boy's hand on Jiwoong's waist and he notices how he also looks at Jiwoong like he is his entire world. It's the same way Hao looked at Jui. And he feels his heart break a little. More than he should let it actually, he's aware. He's known that for years.
He can't take his eyes away, even though the sting in his heart falls a little deeper.
He doesn't lose sight of them until he physically is no longer able to reach them with his eyes.
Hanbin opens a hotel room since they had booked the entire place for the party. He drags Matthew in and closes the door behind them. He doesn't ask the younger boy anything. But he seats himself on the bed, and he pulls Matthew's hand to have him do the same.
Matthew doesn't know what comes over him, but he feels a wave of sadness (desperation too somehow?) hit him.
He feels like crying.
So he does. He brings his hand too his mouth and tries to silence his sobs.
Hanbin's worry never leaves. He doesn't understand what had happened to the least. He'd never seen Matthew this unexplainably upset. He doesn't have a clue about what could have caused it, because one moment he was telling Matthew who Ricky was and the next Matthew breaks down? He'd never even known who Ricky was, Hanbin was struggling to draw conclusions.
He's further confused when he sees Matthew sob into his hand. He hugs his friend, for the first time in his life not knowing what to do. He pats Matthew's back. He places his hand on Matthew's arm that was covering his mouth.
"It's okay Matthew-ah," he says, though he's not sure what was wrong in the first place.
Matthew shakes his head. He places his hand on his thigh. He takes a breath of air, struggling to do so mid sob.
"I set myself up for this," he tells Hanbin. He's aware that the other must be absolutely speechless, but he knows he'll be more so if he tells him the reason. The story that he'd been keeping to himself for years, simply because he never thought he'd make a reappearance in his life.
"What Matthew? What did you set yourself up for?" Hanbin asks him, desperate to know what was happening with his best friend.
"Give me some time Hyung, I'll tell you after. I think I need a while," he tells Hanbin. But the older shakes his head.
"Not like this Matthew, this is not a 'I can do it alone' thing clearly. Tell me," Hanbin urges him.
Matthew wipes his eyes and looks at the ceiling of the room.
"I don't want to ruin the party. Let's talk about it after it ends," Matthew says.
"Matt-,"
"Hyung please, it's not easy," he sniffles.
Hanbin sighs and nods. He hands Matthew a Kerchief from his pocket.
"I had prepared them thinking one of us would start the water falls when we see the two love birds, but it still works," Hanbin humors.
Matthew wipes his eyes with it and laughs at Hanbin's lame attempt at making him feel better.
They leave the room after a good while, they had to make sure Matthew didn't look like he just cried his heart out (though he did a little). They left to go to Hao, it was a big day for him after all, they had to be by him as his closest friends.
As soon as they enter the room Hao had taken for himself, they are met with a pacing Hao.
He looks at them and lets out a sigh of relief.
"Where were you guys? An- Matthew! What happened to your eyes?" He screeches. Matthew laughs awkwardly.
"Ah he got something stuck in his eyes, we had to spend like 5 minutes getting it out,"
Matthew was thankful that Hanbin was so quick-witted, he didn't want to worry another person on a day that was supposed to be special and filled with happiness.
Zhang Hao bought Hanbin's lie and went on a ramble about how his shoes weren't the material he had hoped for and that he was concerned about how they'd turn out in pictures.
....
The party doesn't end though it turns midnight. The number of guests had significantly reduced, leaving back only the closest people in the two groom's circle. Matthew and Hanbin had spent the whole day tending to every one of Hao's requests. Though temporarily Hanbin had forgotten about the fiasco that occurred in the morning, it was constantly in the back of Matthew's head. His heart felt heavy, extremely. And he couldn't shake it off.
Even now, he was looking at Ricky who was in a conversation with Hao, there was a good distance between where he was and they were. Ricky had a glass of wine in his hands while Hao sipped on a beer alongside Jui. Matthew forced himself not to catch a glimpse of Jiwoong. Not again.
"Matthew-ah do you want a drink?" Hanbin asks him, but he doesn't get a reply. He looks at Matthew and realizes he wasn't paying attention to him. He looks at the direction Matthew's eyes were resting at. He sees Hao talking to Ricky and the boy he had brought along with him.
Hanbin was now convinced that whatever happened was due to Ricky's presence. Matthew's weirdness had started since the chinese male had entered the hall.
Hanbin taps Matthew's shoulder, and he's out of his trance.
"Let's talk about it," he doesn't wait for an answer and pulls Matthew to a corner of the place they were at. From the banquet hall they had all shifted to the bar of the hotel to have some drinks to end the night, so it was the perfect atmosphere. There was a constant bustle of people talking, some catching up, some in careful conversations and some in casual conversations.
Hanbin makes Matthew take a seat with his back facing Ricky and the others, he was sure that they wouldn't be able to spot them since they were pretty far away, but he didn't want Matthew to spiral looking at them again. He sits facing Matthew.
"What's with you and your reaction to Ricky?" he's straight to the point, and Matthew doesn't love it, but it was also one of the things that he thought were the best about Hanbin.
"I have nothing against Ricky , hyung,"
Before Hanbin says anything, Matthew calls over a bartender and orders a bottle of soju. Hanbin sighed and ordered a beer for himself, he wasn't quite in the mood to get drunk so he'd stop with a beer.
"Then why do you react so badly to him," he voices out his confusion.
Matthew chuckles sadly.
"It's not because of Ricky, it's the other person with him," Matthew says as he waves his hand dismissingly. Hanbin's eyebrows furrow. He didn't know much about Ricky's boyfriend, just what Ricky had told him in their small meet ups when he was with Hao. But he never said anything to paint him to be a bad person. In fact, Ricky always talked about him as though he was a fallen angel. But again, love blinds you.
Before Hanbin inquires him again he continues.
"Hyung I need you to not scold me or question my choices and reasonings,"
Hanbin looks at him suspiciously.
"Please," He pleads. And though skeptical Hanbin gives him an unsure nod.
"There's something I've never told you or Hao," Matthew says as he traces the designs of the table they were seated at.
On cue, the server comes with the shots of Soju and beer. Hanbin thanks them and turns to Matthew who had already downed a shot of Soju.
"Slow down Seokmae," He warns him.
Matthew shakes his head. "I need some alcohol to talk about this shit,"
Hanbin nods and sips his beer.
"I've been in love," Matthew says, like he hadn't just dropped the biggest bomb on Hanbin.
His mouth hangs open. Out of everything he'd expected, this wasn't a scenario.
Because for as long as he's know Matthew, he's known that Matthew had never liked anyone romantically, never seriously. He used to joke that maybe Matthew was asexual, but this. Oh this was news.
"Why didn't you tell me!" Hanbin asks, his voice a little loud. Matthew signs for him to keep his voice down.
"Because it's a little silly, and it's probably funny too,"
Hanbin places a hand on Matthew's. He smiles at him.
"Feelings aren't funny Matthew,"
Matthew shakes of his hand and chugs another shot and slams the glass on the table.
"His name is Jiwoong, Kim Jiwoong," Hanbin nods.
"And he's my first love," Matthew whispers. And after a whole day of avoiding looking at the face he had memorized from the moment he'd seen him, he turns back to look at Jiwoong.
Jiwoong looked like he was in a comfortable conversation with Ricky and the engaged couple. Jiwoong rested his head on Ricky's shoulder, making him look a little drowsy.
Matthew turns back around to face Hanbin.
"And that's him," Matthew tells him.
He'd finally let it out. After keeping it all to himself for years.
In a normal situation, he wouldn't have. In fact, he thinks that if he hadn't met Jiwoong that day, he'd never bring himself to tell Hanbin or anyone for that fact. But he did, and he's also learned that he belonged to someone else. There was only so much he could take.
He'd reminisced about Jiwoong for so long. He kind of wished he wasn't hit with this reality. Matthew would have been much happier if he was let to dream on about what they could have been. He still could, but he also knew that it was wrong of him to. And he was having a hard time accepting it.
He knew Jiwoong didn't remember him. He didn't know who he was. There was no way, Matthew knew. But he still liked to dream, the reality was haunting.
"When?" Hanbin asks him.
Matthew laughs. It was a pathetic laugh, he knew he was pathetic for this.
"8 years ago, during year 3," Matthew tells Hanbin.
He gasps.
He couldn't believe Matthew hid something from him for so long. But he'd believed that the younger Canadian male had his reasons. And he'd let him explain.
"Remember that party at Jay's? The day you and Hao ditched me," Matthew says with a hint of blame in his tone, but it wasn't the serious kind, it was to pull Hanbin's leg. He figures it might bring down the tension. He'd hate to have Hanbin feeling all anxious because of him.
"Matthew you know I had that project due and Hao had pro-"
Matthew cuts him off. "Hyung I'm joking,"
Hanbin lets out a sigh of relief. He'd felt particularly bad about that day. They all had gone to a party together but the two of them ended up leaving early, and couldn't tell Matthew because they couldn't find him.
"I met him there,"
"Why do you remember him so much Matthew?"
Matthew looks at Hanbin through the tears that were pooling at his eyes.
"He sort of ripped me open"
Hanbin looks at him with his eyebrows raised.
"He asked me a million questions Hyung. And I answered each one. I was truthful with it, I still don't know why. He was mostly drunk, and I was just hit in the right places you could say,"
Hanbin was confused. How could a boy asking Matthew some silly questions get him so worked up?
"I realized a lot that day, mostly that I was a big coward,"
Matthew tried navigating through the crowd of people who were at the party.
He'd known that Jay was a socialite, but this was definitely not what he expected at his birthday bash. There were like 500 people there! That's a probable exaggeration, but the house was filled to the brim. Matthew almost felt like he couldn't breath, so he tried finding some place where he could get some fresh air, it proved hard since he couldn't see over the sea of people. He should have worn his insoles.
He gets pushed and stamped, but he doesn't make a big fuss out of it. He just wants out of here.
And finally, as though the gods had heard his prayers, he reaches a door.
He scrambles to find it's handle, and once he does, he opens it with such urgency and shuts it. He takes a deep breath of air and exhales.
"Who are you?" he hears a voice ask him, Matthew immediately whips his head to the right.
And he finds a very pretty boy looking at him.
"Oh my! I'm sorry I didn't know someone was here, I just needed to get out of the crowd! I can leave if you want," Matthew immediately panics.
The boy shakes his head. "No no, it's alright. I was just surprised," he says his lips forming something of a pout. Matthew already found him adorable.
"You can come sit here, I left for the same reason. That and I felt like throwing up with all the alcohol I downed," he says motioning to the sofa he was seated on. Matthew thinks about it for a moment. The boy looks drunk, his cheeks and nose had a slight blush on them.
But Matthew takes a seat anyway.
Matthew thinks the boy looks prettier from up close. He had the typical handsome korean face. A textbook definition of it actually.
"I'm Jiwoong. Kim Jiwoong," He introduces himself unprompted. Matthew smiles at him, but before he could introduce himself Jiwoong continues.
"You still introduce his name the same?" Hanbin asks slightly amused. Matthew shakes his head and laughs.
"There are somethings that stick to you, the way he said his name was one of them,"
"Simp,"
"I agree,"
"My friend Jongwoo brought me here, but now I can't seem to find him. I think he's snogging Jay," he complains.
Matthew laughs "Ah that does seem probable. The two seem to have that thing going on,"
Jiwoong looks at him surprised. "You know Jongwoo and Jay?"
Matthew nods "Yeah, I know Jay pretty well, he's a good friend. I've heard endless stories of Jongwoo from him, but I'm not too close with Jongwoo," he says.
Jiwoong giggles unprompted. "Jongwoo's a coward and doesn't want to say yes to Jay. It's funny," Matthew agrees to that. It would really put him out of his misery if Jongwoo said yes to Jay. He couldn't bare listening to the American mop about him over and over again.
"What time is it?" Jiwoong ask Matthew, out of the blue.
Matthew checks his wrist watch. "It's about 10 pm,"
Jiwoong pouts heavily and groans. Matthew couldn't help but find him adorable. Look he was no creep, but he liked people who were nice and cute. And Jiwoong was definitely both of that.
"I have to stay here till 1," he says.
"Why?"
Jiwoong falls back onto the backrest of the sofa.
"My friends bet that I'd go back home before 1 a.m. and they were so sure. Though that's usually true I wanted to prove them wrong. I regret it," he whines.
"Maybe you could leave, the bets not that important I'm sure,"
Jiwoong shakes his head and sits up. "I don't lose. I'm terribly competitive you see,"
Matthew laughs. He's self-aware. Though Matthew finds bets like this completely childish, he doesn't comment on it.
"How old are you?" he asks.
"I'm 20," Matthew answers. Jiwoong's face brightens up.
"You're pretty gullible for telling a random stranger your age. That could get you into trouble you know?" Hanbin takes a swig of his beer.
"Well, I learnt my lesson from then,"
"You're younger than me then! You better call me Hyung!" He says with a sense of pride.
Matthew giggled at the boy's enthusiasm. "Sure Hyung," he says. Jiwoong smiles brightly, and Matthew finds that it brings a wide one to his own lips.
"What's your favorite color?"
Matthew ponders. "Hmm, I think it's green,"
Jiwoong nods. "You know that's the second most popular favorite color, blue is the first, and I like blue. It's pretty. The sky is always a pretty blue don't you think?"
"The sky is many different colors if you think about it though," Matthew lets out his own thought.
Jiwoong gasps. "You're right! Then I have many favorite colors!" he exclaims. "My favorite color is the sky!"
"That's a very nice favorite color,"
"I know right?"
Matthew doesn't say anything further. But the silence doesn't last long before Jiwoong breaks it again.
"What's your favorite song?"
Matthew thinks about it. A couple of song names bounce around in his head.
"I think I like the song Seattle, by Sam Kim,"
Matthew is cut off by Hanbin's hearty laugh "Somethings just never change do they?"
Matthew shakes his head.
Jiwoong looks up to the sky as if he was jogging his memory. He shakes his head. "I don't know that song,"
"That's a shame, it's a very nice song,"
"You know what my favorite song is? It's the pororo theme song," Jiwoong says. He mumbles a small part of the song, and Matthew chuckles loudly. Jiwoong looks at him offended.
"Hey are you laughing at my taste?"
Matthew immediately shakes his head "No, not at all! It's just been a while since I've heard the song," he defends.
"That song is my childhood! If you don't know it, you had a sad childhood for sure,"
"I listened to different ones in my childhood," Matthew tells him.
Jiwoong shakes his head. "Man that's so sad, Pororo is the best," he boasts.
"I grew up in Canada, Pororo wasn't all the craze there,"
Jiwoong looks at him intrigued. "What did you watch then?"
"Teletubbies," he answers shortly. Jiwoong nods.
"What's your biggest fear?"
"Well that's an oddly placed question," Hanbin comments.
Matthew rubs his hands together "The whole situation was oddly placed, that question is the least questionable thing,"
Hanbin waves his hand "Go on,"
Matthew is a little taken aback. The question was a little personal he thinks. But Jiwoong seems to be too drunk to comprehend that. And even if Matthew had just met him, he still finds himself answering.
"I think it's unrequited love,"
Jiwoong looks at him as if he had said something scandalous.
"Why do you give me that look?" Matthew asks him.
"Because I think unrequited love is beautiful,"
Now it was Matthew's turn to look at him weird. How could something so unfortunate, so hurtful be beautiful?
"Because, loving someone even when they don't love you back is so pure. Imagine just loving someone and not expecting anything back. How much hurt would that bring them? But they still fell in love and they don't mind. I think that takes a lot of bravery. They must be very strong people I think. Because it must be horrible to feel unlovable just because that one person doesn't see them like that. It's worse when the other person doesn't even know of the feelings don't you think?"
"How so?" Matthew thinks that the boy would have an explanation. He seems to always have something to add, and Matthew found that interesting.
"Because, they'd see all the efforts that the other person puts as simply another friendly gesture. Oh and the ones where the other person doesn't even know the one who loves them much are absolutely the worst! Loving from a distance would sting too much for sure!"
Matthew agreed. Completely agreed actually.
He'd always held himself back from falling in love because he wasn't ready to deal with the hurt that comes with it. He'd seen it all first hand, some with Hanbin's relationships, some with his sisters, and some from his parents themselves. He'd always found himself drawing boundaries when he felt those feelings bubble. He'd always got attached to fast. Whether it be friends or things, he'd always pour all his love into them. He did that with dancing, he did with Hanbin, with Hao and even Jay to some extent. Anytime he felt the love grow into something different, he'd move away. It wasn't the best thing, but he did.
But the way Jiwoong worded it, it sounded magical. Almost as if it wouldn't hurt as much as he'd always thought it would. He was good with words.
"You're pretty philosophical Jiwoon," Matthew says. And Jiwoong purses his lips.
Matthew pauses to take a shot. "I think I wouldn't remember him this much if he hadn't said those words,"
Hanbin finds that interesting "Why did those words matter so much?"
Matthew shrugs "It hit too close to home,"
"I'm not philosophical, it's the truth! My grandma said so!," Jiwoong says. "Well your grandma's very wise," Jiwoong nods.
"And also you pronounced my name wrong,"
"Huh?" Matthew questions.
"It's Jiwoong! Not Jiwoon," he giggles.
Oh god. Matthew feels his heartbeat quicken.
"You forgot to pronounce the G,"
"Jiwoong," Matthew corrects himself. Jiwoong gives him a thumbs up.
Sitting with Jiwoong for this long, Matthew had memorized his face. He didn't mean to stare, but he really was one of the most ethereal people he had ever met. Blame that on the atmosphere or whatever, but the surroundings looked magical. They were lit by the moonlight on a veranda up in the 20th floor.
The temperature had dropped a little, and Matthew checks his watch again. It was 11:15. checked.
"How much longer till 1?" Jiwoong inquires. Right. Matthew had forgotten about Jiwoong's reason to stay.
"About 2 hours,"
This time Jiwoong doesn't complain. He just thanks Matthew.
"I'm bored," he says.
"Me too," Matthew agrees without much thought.
"Then how about I ask you questions and you answer them quickly! Like a trivia!"
Matthew accepts it, not having the heart to tell Jiwoong that it was exactly what they had been doing.
"What's your favorite animal?"
"Fox,"
"Favorite book?"
"I'm not a big reader,"
Jiwoong scrunches up his nose. "You should read! It's very fun," he tells Matthew. "I like to read books with little poems! They're very nice!"
"Hmm, then tell me one, maybe I'll pick it up,"
Jiwoong brings his hand up to his chin and taps it.
"I see you like a flower by Na tae joo is very romantic, I find that anyone can relate to it,"
"Is that why you always carry that book around?" Hanbin asks Matthew, connecting a few dots. Matthew affirms. And Hanbin can't help but sigh. He let's the boy continue on. Matthew had gone up to his second bottle of Soju, though Hanbin considered stopping him, he seemed to understand it was much needed.
"Next question! Why did you break up with your last ex?"
Matthew shakes his head "I don't have an ex,"
This quite obviously surprises Jiwoong. "That's not possible!"
"Well, it is. I've never been in love you see,"
Jiwoong frowns. "That's sad. Love is the most beautiful feeling,"
Matthew's sure it must be, but he doubts he needs it.
"Next question. What do you want to do when you grow up?"
Matthew thinks that he's heard this question at least a hundred times in his life time. Though it's been quite a while since he last heard it. He remembers his homeroom teacher asking him the same question a couple of years ago in High school. He can't think about any other instances that he'd been asked it of the recent.
"I want to be happy," he answers truthfully.
Jiwoong claps. "That's very true. Everything else can wait,"
But then he abruptly stops. "Are you not happy now?"
In that moment, Matthew in fact was very happy. But he knew Jiwoong's question wasn't that one-dimensional.
"Not quite. There are too many worries in life and too many deadlines at Uni,"
"Won't those worries only multiply in the future?" Jiwoong questions.
Matthew ponders those words. He's right. As he leaves Uni, he'll be left worrying about paying the bills, and about his job if he is even able to get one. He'll have to worry about not getting dropped from wherever he decides to work. Maybe he'll also have to start worrying about retirement and saving. So doesn't that just mean he'll never be happy at this rate?
"You should always find how to be happy in between the moments of sadness and worries. Or else you'll be left chasing something that will never arrive. It's like chasing tomorrow. It's always coming, but you never are in tomorrow, it'll always be in the future. So instead of thinking about being happy tomorrow, be happy today,"
"You know, he gave you a free therapy session though he was drunk. That's something,"
Matthew grins. He remembers every expression on Jiwoong's face that night. He memorized it all.
"He is something. I wouldn't be reminded about all this in such a way 8 years later if he wasn't,"
Hanbin reaches over the table and rubs Matthew's shoulder.
"But that's being ignorant to everything that is possibly bad," Matthew goes on to reason.
Jiwoong shakes his in disagreement. "It's not. You just choose to focus on the better things in life. It's not always better safe than sorry. It's sometimes a better oops than what if,"
Matthew considers what Jiwoong says.
It seems that this stranger that he'd met barely an hour ago has taught him more about how to live life than anyone or anything ever had.
"Seems like you've had a lot of hurt in your life," he comments.
Jiwoong beckons. "I'm just an art major. I have a little too much time to think about the world and what it is. That's how I come up with some of my best assignments,"
"Art major," Matthew mumbles to himself. Jiwoong was intriguing. Exponentially so.
"You know once I spent a whole day painting on a rocky mountain just so I could get the perfect inspiration and atmosphere. I didn't take anything with me other than my paints and canvas. I could have died of dehydration or something,"
Matthew cackles "You can't die of dehydration in 24 hrs,"
Jiwoong looks at him sullenly. "Are you a Medicine major or something?"
Matthew denies it, shaking his head from side to side. "I'm a dance major actually,". Jiwoong's mouth forms an 'o'
"Then you must be a T," he concludes. Once again Matthew denies it.
Jiwoong huffs. "You're unpredictable,"
Matthew guffaws. It's funny that it was Jiwoong who said that.
This time, Matthew asks Jiwoong a question. "What kind of art do you do?"
Jiwoong thinks about the answer for a while. "I try everything. I think it's important to do everything to grow and to become better. It's not good to narrow your style this early on,"
Matthew shifts in his seat and gets a little more comfortable. He could feel his feet feel like pins and needles. They must've been sitting there for long.
"What's something you've never told anyone?" Jiwoong asks him. Another unprompted question.
Matthew has to think a little longer to answer. He'd always been open to his friends. There was nothing he actively hid from them as far as he was concerned. Everything he could think of was of no substance. It wouldn't really matter. But he didn't want to leave Jiwoong without an answer.
"I used to have a dog named Ash when I was 5,"
"You're lucky, I could never have a dog. I'm allergic to the fur sadly," Jiwoong says with a sad expression on his face.
"Well if it makes you feel better, it bit me really bad one day. But I never told my parents because I was scared they'd send him away,"
"Oh. That must have hurt!" Jiwoong says sympathetically.
Matthew shakes his head "It left a bruise, but that's about it. He didn't have sharp teeth thankfully,"
Jiwoong acknowledges that.
Suddenly his face brightens, like he'd had an epiphany.
"See! That's what unrequited love is like! Even though the doggie bit you, you still wanted him to stay because you loved him!"
Matthew's eyebrows furrow together. That's something he'd never thought about. I mean, he barely even remembered it happening. But connecting that to something much more vast?
He couldn't believe it. And Jiwoong was drunk. He really would love to know what the boy was like sober.
"Did you ever find that out?" Hanbin asks.
Matthew laughs at himself pathetically. "Obviously not. Or I'd not need 2 bottles of Soju,"
"How long did you both sit out there for?" Hanbin asks out of curiosity.
"Till his friends found us, it was a little later than 1," Matthew says.
Hanbin gives him an impressed face. "Then he actually won in his bet," he jokes.
Matthew nods.
Jiwoong goes on asking him questions.
He asks about his favorite time of the day, his favorite movie, how he got into dancing, what he loved about dancing and so much more.
Matthew felt like he'd just exposed himself completely to a stranger. But he felt like he'd known Jiwoong as long as he could remember, he had a strong sense of familiarity. And he hadn't felt this free in a while.
Jiwoong was telling him something about a chemistry teacher from when he was in grade school.
"He had the best bald head I've seen!" he says.
But his story gets cut short.
"Jiwoong!" A voice exclaims, causing the two boys to turn towards the door.
Jiwoong's face lights up.
"Hoetaek hyung~" Jiwoong calls out. The male who had just come immediately moves towards Jiwoong.
"How much did you drink!" he screeches as he approaches them.
Jiwoong brings his hands before him, and counts to 3 and holds that up for Hoetaek to see.
"Oh lord!"
He then turns to Matthew.
"I'm so sorry if he caused you any trouble! I know he's very chatty when he's drunk," he immediately apologizes.
Matthew shakes his head "No he was quite pleasant actually, I had a nice chat," he explains.
"Thank goodness for that,"
Jiwoong turns to Matthew "What's the time now?" he asks
Matthew looks at his wrist for the third time that night "1:24," he answers.
Jiwoong punches the air in victory. "I won Hyung! Now you have to pay for all my take out this month," he sticks his tongue out to the other boy.
Hoetaek shakes his head. "Sure woong-ah, let us get you home now though," he says.
Matthew stands up and moves aside knowing that Jiwoong probably needed Hoetaek's help.
The older male pulls Jiwoong up to stand, and he immediately sways a bit.
He holds on to Jiwoong's shoulders and pushes him towards the door.
Hoetaek turns back to Matthew. "Thank you for looking after him again," he says sincerely.
"If anything I should be thanking him,"
Hoetaek laughs. "I'm sure not. See you around sometime?" he asks, and Matthew knows it's out of complete formality that he says that, but he really hopes he runs into a more sober Jiwoong again. He'd need to know him more. "Of course,"
Jiwoong turns back to him and waves "Bye stranger,"
Matthew finally finishes his story.
"God you really have such a sob story for a first love," Hanbin says.
Matthew glares at him. "I'm well aware,"
Hanbin recalls the whole story for a bit before he opens his mouth again.
"You never told him your name did you?" he says as he realizes.
"Yeah. And honestly, that might be my biggest regret in life,"
Hanbin shakes his head. "Don't worry Mattchu you've done worse things in your life. Remember that time you sent in your diary entries instead of your english assignment?"
"Hyung you might single handedly be the cause of my suicide tonight," Matthew says.
"You wouldn't dare," Hanbin challenges. Matthew loves challenges so he picks up the butter knife that was on the table.
"I might just stab myself hyung," he threatens. Hanbin rolls his eyes.
"But Matthew, I have a question,"
Matthew motions for him to continue.
"When did you get over him?"
Matthew freezes up a little. He sinks into the seat.
Instead of answering, he asks Hanbin another question. "Hyung how pathetic do you think this whole situation is?"
"It's not Matthew, it's understandable,"
Matthew tsks. "Hyung, cut the crap. We both know falling in love at first sight with a guy I only met once for 2 hours is pathetic,"
Hanbin sighs. "I would say it's sad. Not pathetic,"
"Tomato tomahto," Matthew says.
"But the most pathetic part is this,"
Hanbin waits for the boy to finish his sentence.
But before he could, they hear a voice calling them.
"Matthew-ah! Hanbin-ah!"
Matthew turns around to find Hao approaching them. And much to his horror, he finds Ricky and Jiwoong with him, along with Kuanjui. He immediately whips his head towards Hanbin. The elder signs for him to be calm, but he can already feel the adrenaline spiking within him.
"Hi Hao Hyung!" Hanbin greets. "Matthew come sit here, give them some space,"
Matthew might just kiss Hanbin for his fast thinking. But he wouldn't actually. Never.
Matthew immediately goes to sit by Hanbin, who comfortingly intertwines their hands together.
The 4 boys take seats by the table.
Ricky looks at Hanbin and smiles with recognition.
Hanbin speaks first.
"Ah Ricky! It's been a while," he says.
The blonde boy smiles warmly. "It has been, I've been too caught up with too much work,"
He turns towards Matthew, "Well, this is Matthew! He's our friend who always missed the hangouts," he introduces.
Matthew clutches Hanbin's hand a little too tightly, because he's aware of Jiwoong's eyes on him along with Ricky's.
Matthew looks towards Ricky, who greets him with a wide smile. "It's great to finally meet you, I've heard a lot about you from Hao," he says.
Matthew knows there were no meanings behind those words, they were as they were meant to be. But he feels a little uneasy. But he pushes those feelings down.
"All good things I hope," He forces a smile.
Hao scoffs. "How low do you think of me Matthew!"
Matthew immediately shifts his focus to Hao, feeling a little more relaxed, he sticks his tongue out at him.
"I've not met you guys before but hi! I'm Jiwoong,"
He finally introduces himself.
And a wave of sadness hits Matthew.
Jiwoong doesn't remember him like he does.
He knew that he wouldn't, considering the amount of alcohol in his system that night. But it still hurt him a little knowing that the boy he quite literally changed his life couldn't remember him.
"Nice to finally meet you Jiwoong! Ricky talks about you a lot," Hanbin says. Matthew wants to cry again, but he'd rather not now. It was fine when it's Hanbin, but not now.
Hao adds on to what Hanbin said. "I'm telling you hyung, he never shuts up about you,"
Ricky looks unaffected by these comments while Jiwoong turns a pretty shade of pink. Matthew can see it perfectly.
"As if you shut up about Jui," Ricky bites back.
Hao kicks his cousin who gives him a victorious smirk.
"Don't be like that Ricky," Jiwoong scolds him.
"Yes Shen Quanrui, I'm your older brother," Hao says.
It was now Jui's turn to scold Hao "Babe he's literally younger than you. You should be the more mature one,"
Hao purses his lips and turns away from his fiance.
"Where did you two go? I couldn't find you all evening," Hao asks Hanbin and Matthew.
Matthew chuckles nervously.
"We've been right here," he says.
Hao raises his eye brow. "Which one of you drank two bottles of Soju?" and Matthew raises his hand.
The chinese man gasps loudly.
"Matthew! That's too much alcohol! You're going to be puking your insides out tomorrow! I'm not cleaning that! And I'm sure Hanbin isn't keen on doing it either," He turns to Hanbin "And you! Why did you let him drink so much! You know how he is,"
Matthew sinks in his seat, looking like a kid getting scolded by his mother.
"Hao you're a little too much. Let them enjoy the night," Ricky tells his cousin. Hao sighs heavily and gives Matthew one last angry glare.
"What do you guys do?" Jiwoong asks looking at Hanbin and Matthew.
Matthew feels a wave of Deja vu hit him. He replays the scene of Jiwoong asking him the same question on the sofa that day.
He breifely hears Hanbin answer "I'm a barista, I help my mom manage her cafe, But I also dance,"
"That's very cool! I've always wanted to learn how to make drinks, but I mess up often," Jiwoong says.
He then turns his attention to Matthew.
Their eyes meet.
And Matthew's world stops.
He can't breathe any longer.
He feels the surroundings go quiet.
He heard his heartbeat thump in his ears like his heart was all the way up in his chest and he was going to barf it out anytime soon.
But he forces out his words.
"I like doing what makes me happy,"
Hanbin rubs his hands with his thumb. Because he knows. He knows why Matthew says that. And though Jiwoong doesn't understand what value his words carried, Hanbin understands.
"Ah, Matthew's a dancer. He specializes in street dancing," Hao explains for him. He's thankful that Hao had brought up the amount he drank right before, because he doesn't think there could be any other better explanation for his actions.
Hanbin feels the need to keep the conversation going, so he asks Jiwoong the same question.
"I'm an artist, I mostly like selling my works to auctions," he explains.
Jui jumps into the conversation. "He's really talented. Ricky keeps a small painting of his in the back of his phone. It's spectacular,"
"I'll show you," Ricky says as he pulls his phone out from the pocket of his pants.
Matthew thinks that its very romantic. If it was anyone else, he'd probably coo. He'd be smiling for them.
But now he just feels a little hole in his chest.
He can see the little painting through the clear case Ricky had on his phone.
It was a painting of a pretty pink flower in a bundle.
"It's a painting of an Amaranthus," Jiwoong explains a little shyly. He's always been a little hesitant when it came to show casing his art first hand.
"It's really pretty," Matthew compliments. Jiwoong smiles at him and thanks him.
"What does it signify?" Hanbin asks.
This time it's Ricky who answers. "Never fading feelings,"
When Matthew dies and meets god, or Jesus or whoever it was up there he really would ask them why they decided to put him through this torture. Why must they make him meet Jiwoong in this circumstance? Why couldn't they have let him live on with the silly memory?
"Oh! That's amazing, maybe we should put that up on our wedding," Hao suggests. Jui nods "Anything you want,"
"Ew love," Hanbin says disgustedly.
No one pays him any mind though.
They fall into casual conversation, and now Matthew just wishes he had left earlier.
Because the longer he stays, the longer he realizes that Ricky is perfect. Perfect for Jiwoong and in general.
He sees how Ricky lets Jiwoong play with the rings on his fingers when he gets bored with whatever they are talking about. He'd noticed even earlier that Ricky wasn't dressed the same way he had arrived. His coat was missing. He also noticed that said coat now was on Jiwoong's shoulders.
"How long have you both been together?" He asks Ricky casually as they are in conversation. Though Matthew had drank a lot, he felt relatively sober. Without the alcohol, he'd have been too cowardly to ask the question, in fear of not liking the answer. But now he figured what he didn't know would hurt him more than what he does. He knows well that he was sadistic asking him that.
"It's been about 7 years," Ricky answers.
And oh.
Matthew's breath catches in his throat.
All of his what ifs.
All those nights wondering that maybe if he had done something, took a step whether it would have been different, they all bite him in the ass. But he doesn't let them see it. No.
He hated it. He hated himself a little. But he also thinks that he couldn't be even half of what Ricky was. In a universe where he'd have had the balls to get Jiwoong's number that night, and they maybe could have been something he isn't sure he could make Jiwoong happy the way Ricky seems to be.
Matthew feels like he needs more alcohol already.
He turns to Hanbin.
"Hyung is it a bad idea to get more shots?" He whispers.
Hanbin immediately turns his attention to the Canadian boy.
"Is it too much?" Hanbin asks him. He nods. "Would you like to leave?" Again, Matthew nods.
Hanbin stands up from his chair and fixes his dress.
" Guys I think the alcohol is finally kicking in on Matt. I'll have to take him home before something happens," Hanbin announces.
Matthew didn't pay close attention to what Hanbin said. His eyes fell onto Ricky who was placed a kiss on Jiwoong's knuckles. He looks away in an instant, but his mind doesn't leave the scene.
Hao looks at Matthew and sees the distant look on his face. He nods at Hanbin "Make sure to call me if you need anything, I'll come by first thing in the morning with hangover cute," he says and Hanbin smiles at him thankfully.
Before Hanbin can pull Matthew away, Jiwoong speaks up.
"You guys should give us your numbers! We should definitely hang out more," he says in a cheerful tone.
Matthew swears he can hear some angels laugh at him from above. The almighty seems to be having too much fun making a fool out of him. Poor him.
Hanbin gets Jiwoong's phone and types in both of their numbers and hands it back to him.
"Let's meet again soon," Hanbin tells them as they leave.
Matthew puts all his energy into giving them a smile and waving politely. He might have a broken heart but he's still the same sunshine.
As they walk out of the bar, Matthew feels Hanbin's eyes on him.
"Matthew,"
He hums in response. His voice breaks a little, giving away how he is feeling.
"How do you feel?"
Hanbin's not sure how he would feel.
His first love ended with them parting ways because time was often cruel. But he knows he'd always remember it fondly.
He hated that this was how Matthew's ended, without Jiwoong ever knowing.
"I'll be okay," Matthew says as he tries to hail a taxi.
"Are you okay with seeing him again?" his careful tone was obvious, and that sort of rubbed Matthew in the wrong way.
"Hyung, I'm not going to burst out in tears and confess it all ever. I'm fine with him. It's just a little weird the first time," Matthew reasons boldly. It's the same words he's telling himself. He says to himself that it's okay this once, it was an unexpected meet after 8 years. He's allowed to be overwhelmed. Only this time though.
"If you don't want to you know we can very well avoid it,"
A taxi stops in front of them. Matthew opens the door.
But before getting in he says "I'll be fine. Think of it as exposure therapy,"
Hanbin chuckles at Matthew's comparison as he gets in after him.
"Well regardless, I'll be here with you,"
"I know you will hyung,"
............
You know when Matthew said he would be okay with meeting Jiwoong again? Yeah, he definitely lied.
In his defense, he really hoped he would be. Even if Jiwoong couldn't be his, he wished that he could be with him, as a mere friend at the least.
So naturally, when Hao suggested that the 6 of them meet up for a hangout, just like they'd talked about the day at the bar, Matthew doesn't think twice before saying yes.
He finds himself at Hao and Jui's apartment along with Hanbin the morning of. They'd booked a nice brunch and later planned to go to the Han River to stroll for a bit. A fool proof plan.
Hanbin drives the four of them to the restaurant.
"Those two already reached," Hao tells Hanbin, urging him to go a little faster.
Even before Hanbin takes the turn to reach the entrance to the place, Matthew's eyes spot Jiwoong and Ricky.
Ricky is dressed in black head to toe, in a beautiful contrast to him Jiwoong is dressed in a white t-shirt and blue jean. It's a classic combination, some might even call it boring. But on Jiwoong, it could put the most cutting-edge fashion to shame.
Suddenly Matthew wonders where he'd gotten the courage to think he'd be okay meeting Jiwoong again. Especially when he was sober. He sure as hell couldn't start the day with alcohol, not now anyway. He couldn't drink in front of them again. They might mistake him for being an addict, he really wasn't. Somethings are just easier when you aren't completely conscious.
Hao gets out of the car first along with Jui.
"You guys go in, I'll park somewhere and be right in," Hanbin says.
So Matthew gets out of the car too. Hanbin gives him a reassuring smile, and Matthew turns around to face the others.
Hao had already started a conversation with Ricky, so Matthew just goes and stands besides him, not too sure what else to do.
Jiwoong notices him.
"Hi Matthew! It's nice to see you again!" he says cheerfully. Matthew's heart does a little flip. "I'm not sure if you remember me though.
Matthew scratches the back of his neck.
"Ah, I apologize. It was definitely not ideal to have met you guys when I was knee-deep in soju," Matthew says casually.
Jiwoong giggles. God. He was adorable.
"It's okay, we all have those days,"
They wait outside while Hanbin parks the car.
Matthew didn't know what to expect of today. He wasn't sure how it would end, and how he'd be feeling by the end of it. He didn't have a bad feeling though. Neither did he have a bad one.
After Hanbin joins, they all head into the restaurant.
Matthew decides to sit to the side besides Hao and Ricky sits in front of him.
"You know it's a miracle that you aren't late," Hao tells him.
Ricky rolls his eyes. "I'm never late Hao," Jiwoong clears his throat.
"I'm sure that someone who isn't ever late wouldn't need an hour of coaxing to get out of bed," he teases Ricky.
Hao snorts at Ricky's very obvious face of unhappiness. "Ricky you better marry him because I love this content that I'm getting"
Jiwoong flushes red. "Hao!" he exclaims.
Ricky smiles at him. "All in good time," he says with a wink. Jiwoong slaps his arm and turns away from him.
It feels so domestic watching them. And somehow in that moment, Matthew feels detached. He felt like a spectator in someone else's story. Which in this case, he quite literally was.
Jui clasps his hands together. "Guys let's order before we go all in on the disses and flirts," a small laughter is heard.
Matthew immediately is reminded of his empty stomach. He hadn't eaten anything since the morning, Hanbin pulled him out of the apartment before he could.
He busies himself with the words on the menu.
His eyes fall on a picture of a beautifully plated piece of french toast, and that's all it takes for him to decide what he wants.
He closes the menu and sits back. The rest of them were still hunched over the menus.
Matthew's not one to eavesdrop, but in a small table with 6 people seated right by each other, you can't help but hear what everyone is saying.
He hears Jui ask Hao to read out a writing on the menu, that the older then passes on to Hanbin. At this point he was used to it. Matthew wasn't too bad at Korean, he used to be a lot worse and would need Hanbin's help constantly. Hao and Jui weren't bad at all either. They were splendid at the language, but they still struggled, as one does in a foreign language.
He also hears a little bit of Ricky and Jiwoong's conversation.
"What do you want?" he hears Ricky ask Jiwoong. The older boy hums. "I'm deciding between two,"
Matthew is positive that Ricky nods, though he doesn't look straight at him.
"Don't choose, we'll get both. You can have a little of each, I'll take the rest," Ricky tells him.
"No you get what you want," Jiwoong argues.
Ricky ignores that. "What are the two things you want?"
"I'm not telling you," Jiwoong says. Matthew almost laughs at this exchange.
He then hears Jiwoong giggle out loud, along with a string of words leaving his mouth. Matthew's not quite sure what he says. He finally prompts himself to look up. He sees Ricky tickling Jiwoong as the other squirms in his seat.
"Okay okay! I give up," Jiwoong finally says. Ricky stops tickling him with a winning grin.
Jiwoong goes on to tell Ricky the names of the two dishes. He mispronounces the words since it was in English, Ricky doesn't say anything though. Matthew wouldn't either if he was in the position, it was adorable.
He's brought out of the trance he was in when he hears Hanbin call out his name.
"Seok-mae what would you like?" he smiles at him widely.
"French toast," Matthew answers pointing at the picture he'd seen earlier. Hanbin's mouth makes an 'o' and he nods.
Hao calls over a waiter and everyone goes around telling the waiter whatever they'd decided. Ricky ordered whatever Jiwoong had told him earlier Matthew notes.
You know, Matthew didn't think this day would be as hard as it was.
He was mature. He could handle the palpitations of his heart that he didn't quite understand. He was also very good at hiding how he felt. He hid his love from his best friends for years. He was a pro, you must admit. He thinks it's stupid when he sees people burst out in movies, unless it is something unexpected, then he'd understand. But when you knew what you signed up for, you had no right to be surprised. He knows.
But he feels a slight punch in his gut when he sees Ricky wipe the sauce that was on Jiwoong's mouth as he stuffed his mouth clumsily. It was so domestic, nothing less could be expected from a couple. Matthew's aware.
He sees Hao and Jui do it all the time, he's grown accustomed to it. But he has an explanation as to why he reacts to Jiwoong and Ricky. They were relatively new to him. He hadn't seen them like this enough for him to be accustomed to it.
So he sticks to Hanbin the whole day, he needed something that felt familiar.
Hao had always been a planner. He always had this need to plan out every outing down to the minute. Matthew adored him for that, it gave him the relief that he never really had to be the planner.
So as soon as they'd wound up Brunch (with Ricky insisting he pays for everyone) Hao had them all back into the cars, instructing everyone to head to the cinemas. Matthew regrets filling himself up with that French toast because he no longer has any room for popcorn or soda. But that was fine.
"What movie did you pick hyung?" Matthew asks Hao as they enter the theater.
"A Horror movie, it has some sci-fi elements. I think you'll like it a lot Matt," he says. He points to a poster that was being displayed on this LED screen. "It's that one,"
Before Matthew completely takes in the poster, he hears a gasp from beside him.
"Woah! I've been wanting to go to this one for a while," Jiwoong exclaims.
Matthew turns his head to look at the boy. His eyes were wide and sparkling with excitement, and it was infectious. Matthew finds the corners of his lips lifting at the older.
"I know, I'm amazing aren't I," Hao tries to make a show by flipping his hair, Jui chuckles at him pinching his cheeks.
"Hao hyung no offense but why would you bring me to a horror movie?" Hanbin questions him, offended.
Zhang Hao shrugs "Hey every Horror movie needs that one person in the audience whose going to cry and scream,"
Hanbin slightly punches Hao. "You're so mean,"
"Don't worry Hanbin hyung, you have company this time," Ricky has a sly grin on his face as he says that. Jiwoong glares at him. "You take that back right now,"
Ricky raises his eye brow "Need I remind you the time we watched The wailing you refused to sleep without being coddled the entire night?"
Jiwoong's face turns red, the tip of his ears taking the most color. Jui laughs loudly "I never took you to be a scardy cat Jiwoong," he teases.
"Because I'm not," The older boy says with confidence. He points his finger at Ricky "Let's see whose the one screaming today,"
Jiwoong then turns around and tries to walk towards the screen the moving was set to play in, but he is immediately pulled back by Ricky "The screen is the other way baby,"
Jiwoong groans and gives up. Perhaps he had to simply turn a blind eye to all the teasing.
"Well I don't want to sit by Hanbin or Jiwoong hyung," Matthew tries to joke.
He sees Jiwoong frown "Wow Matthew doesn't want to be my friend," he dramatically cries.
Matthew immediately panics. "N-no that's not what I meant, it was just that you-"
Jiwoong giggles at Matthew's bewildered state. "I was joking, I know what you mean Matthew,"
Matthew lets out a sigh of relief. He really couldn't bare to make the wrong impression on him. Not this time at least.
"What time does the movie start anyway," Matthew tries changing the topic, he was a little too embarrassed for this.
"At 2, so we have like 20 more minutes. It's a pretty long movie, it's like 3 hours our something," Hao looks at his watch and nods to himself.
"Does anyone want anything to eat," Jui asks but everyone shakes their head. "I'm stuffed, I'll probably loose anything else I put inside," Hanbin says placing a hand on his stomach.
"You better not barf all over the theater cus ain't nobody cleaning that shit up," Hao threatens. Hanbin rolls his eyes and glares at the older. Hao gives him a smug look, tilting his head.
"Okay~ how about we just go to the screen then?" Jui says obviously trying to separate Hanbin and Hao from bickering again.
Hao turns away from Hanbin and walks to Screen 3. Ricky just chortles at his dramatic cousin and the rest follow along. They were all used to Hanbin and Hao's constant bickering.
Hao had somehow managed to get them all seats right next to each other. Though Matthew had said that he didn't want to sit by Jiwoong or Hanbin, he managed to be sandwiched right between them. He didn't complain though, he meant it as a joke.
"Matthew-ah you need to be ready for me to grab on to you," Hanbin warns him. Matthew waves at him dismissively. "I know Hyung I'm used to it,"
Matthew's eyes fall onto Jiwoong's hand that was already clutching onto Ricky's. Seems like he really was a coward. Ricky brushes his thumb against the back of Jiwoong's hand. It looked completely casual like that's how it was meant to be.
Hanbin seems to notice Matthew's attention constantly falling on to the couple. He knows that Matthew would be very observant of the two, he always was when it came to new people. But this was different.
"Do you need to change seats?"
Matthew shakes his head. "Hyung, I'm completely fine. Really,"
Hanbin's not convinced. But he doesn't push it out of Matthew. Because for all the years, he had known him. He knew Matthew was stubborn.
In due time, the movie starts to play. And Matthew's focus is fully on to the screen now, he loved movies and the movie looked good, even from the posters.
And as anticipated, it was amazing. The cinematography was simply wonderful and the actors did a fantastic job portraying bone chilling and cracking (literally) performances. Matthew was left completely in awe, and with a sore arm from Hanbin clutching on to it for dear life. But he didn't scream at all, and Matthew was impressed at the older's control of his fear since usually he was a screeching mess.
But Jiwoong on the other hand, screamed on multiple occasions. Matthew found it endearing, as did the rest.
Towards the middle of the movie, Matthew had simply glanced over at the two sitting to his left and he sees Jiwoong hiding behind Ricky's hand, his eyes still not torn away from the screen. It was exactly as Ricky predicted.
As the credits rolled, the 6 of them scurried out of the room. In the light of the outdoors, the tear stains on Jiwoong's cheeks were a little more prominent than they were before. Ricky does a quick job of wiping them off of Jiwoong's face, but Hao snickers as he takes picture.
"I thought you were supposed to be a brave guy Jiwoong," Hao remarks.
Jiwoong buries his face into Ricky's shoulder "I am," he whines. Ricky doesn't say anything and kisses Jiwoong's forehead as the older goes on to moan about how the movie was unpredictable and weird which is why he screamed.
"Next on our agenda is Han river," Hao announces. "It's nearby and it's almost sunset! So what better place to go?"
"Anything you say babe," Jui remarks as he lets Hao drag him away. The others follow in que.
Hanbin finds his way and walks by Matthew, who seemed a little lost in his thoughts.
"Did you like the movie?" he asks the younger.
Matthew nods "It was thrilling, just the type of adrenaline I needed,"
Hanbin scoffs. "You're a psychopath for liking these type of stuff you know that?"
Matthew smirks at him "Well then Hyung you'd have to sleep with one eye open cause you never know when I'm going to strike,"
"Sure Matthew, you can barely hurt a fly but you'd kill me,"
Matthew raises his eye brow at the challenge "We'll see how that goes when I'm stab-"
Hao slaps the back of Matthew's head "Enough talk about killing each other in your sleep my god!"
"I think it's interesting actually, don't you think everyone has probably thought of ways to kill someone?" Jiwoong says.
Hao blinks at him a couple of times with shock. But Matthew's simply taken back to that day years ago, when Jiwoong spewed the same stuff as he was drunk. It makes him smile.
"Have you not Hao?" he questions reading the boys face.
He scratches the back of his head "I- Yeah I have,"
"So then how would you do it?" Jiwoong asks curiously.
"Probably with a syringe, no traces left behind and easy to get rid of the evidence," Hao says nonchantly.
Jiwoong nods, imperessed with the others answer. "What about you?"
Jiwoong looks up and thinks. "Acid? Cus No body no crime,"
Jui looks at the two boys in horror. "Wha-"
"They do have a point," Ricky says nodding.
"Oh My God. Psychopathy seems to run in the family," Jui exclaims fanning himself. Hao winks at him "It's hot don't you think?"
Jui laughs at him. "Let's just get to the park Jesus Christ," Hanbin says shuddering.
"Ricky if I killed someone would you hide the body for me?" Jiwoong bats his eyes lashes at him.
Ricky places a quick peck on his lips "I'd kill for you,"
Hanbin pushes Ricky forward "You'll have plenty of time to flirt when we get to the river, move it,"
Jiwoong laughs at Hanbin. "You're just single and sour," Ricky bites back.
"I might be single but I'm by no means sour,"
Ricky shrugs and walks ahead.
The path to the river was one very familiar to Matthew, he'd come there a lot. It was always bustling with people but the view was amazing, especially in the evenings. He used to sit by the lake whenever he'd lacked inspiration for an assignment or was just feeling a little down. He liked coming there alone, gave him some time to think alone.
He knew exactly how long he needed to walk from the stoplight to reach the river. It took exactly 47 seconds (45 if he was walking fast). And the sight of the familiar river welcomes them all.
Matthew just stood there. The feeling of nostalgia would never quite stop at the river. It was all too familiar. The little laughter that he hears, the murmuring sounds of the people, some horns in the background. This place had seen many faces of his. It had seen his sorrow, desperation, love, conflict, happiness, anger and sadness. It had seen it all.
Hao and Jui seem to levitate towards the benches that were by the River. Matthew sees Jiwoong run towards the River with Ricky following behind him. He isn't sure what Jiwoong seems to be running towards, but then he catches the sight of Jiwoong squatting down to pet something. He's not sure what animal it is, but he sees that it has a complete black fur coat. It was too lean to be a dog, so Matthew concludes that it must be a cat.
For some reason, Matthew had always seen Jiwoong to resemble a black cat. He was mysterious and elegant, but at the end of the day he was just silly. He also sees Ricky stand right by him. He sees his mouth move, telling Jiwoong something. But he doesn't react much, his attention still on the cat.
When he finally stands up he picks the cat up with him. Ricky shakes his head but lets the boy do what he likes. Jiwoong then stretches his hand and shows the cat to Ricky, placing it in the blonde's arms. Ricky strokes it's fur too.
He's shaken out of his trance when Hanbin shakes his shoulders.
"Matthew what's going on in that head of yours?" he asks as he ruffles the younger's hair.
He knew that Matthew had an eye on Jiwoong and Ricky the entire day, not that he blamed him. It was a little new to him too, this side of Matthew's. But he needed to understand him better, get the words out of him.
"Come let's go sit," he doesn't wait for the other's reply and drags him. He makes sure to find a spot where the others weren't in their view. Matthew needed that.
The two sat down on the grass, it was a little damp but it was fine.
"Talk Matthew," Hanbin urges.
Matthew takes in a deep breath, just like he did that day with the soju. But now he was sober, and he knew what was happening.
"Remember I was telling you about the most pathetic part of the whole story before we were interrupted that day?"
Hanbin nods.
A small tear rolls off of Matthew's cheek "I don't think I ever fell out of love,"
He looks at Hanbin and he sees him give him a sympathetic smile. "Why is it like that Hyung?"
He is met with silence. It's stupid. How would Hanbin ever have an answer to that question? It's really dumb.
"Because Matthew, you never stop loving anyone,"
Matthew's confused. What does that mean? Obviously you stop loving people. That's the reason people break up and relationships don't work out isn't it.
"Hyung that's complete bull crap,"
Hanbin shakes his head.
"It's not Matt. Trust me, you never forget the love you have for anyone. You just learn to love other people more,"
Matthew's frightened "Hyung does that mean I be stuck like this forever?"
"No, Matthew. You move on, because that's what life does. You find other people that fulfill you more. But you will never lose the love you've had. I never lost the love I've had for anyone, neither has Hao hyung or even Jui. Slowly you won't feel it as much. And your first love always leaves a little but of a hole in you. But with time, you fill it up with other people and things even,"
Hole?
"Then do you still think about your first love?"
Hanbin smiles "All the time. You never quite forget the feeling of being in love for the first time. It's very magical,"
Matthew rubs his hands together and stares into the landscape. Meeting Jiwoong was magical for sure, meeting him again was too, but it hurt a little more than he thought it would. He's reminded that not all magic is serene, some are meant to pierce through your soul.
"How do you get over someone?"
Hanbin ponders "You let them go,"
"What about when you never had them in the first place?"
Matthew feels an arm wrap around his shoulders.
"You shouldn't be this pessimistic Matt, I know it feels like the end of the world, but trust me it isn't. It's a brave thing to love and an even braver thing to let go. And once you do it, you will do it over again until the one comes around. And it's okay if they don't because at the end, we all live to be ourselves no matter how much we love. You're always your first love, and you'll be your last. Everyone will leave eventually and that's okay. That doesn't mean you shouldn't love. Just because something might hurt you don't avoid it. That just defeats the purpose of living,"
Matthew wipes a few stray tears from his cheeks.
"I kind of wish I knew,"
Hanbin looks at him perplexed "Knew what Matthew?"
"That I'd love him. I'd have never opened that door maybe. Or I would have at least told him my name,"
"Life doesn't work like that,"
Matthew hums.
"And for the record, I don't think it's pathetic,"
Matthew turns to look at Hanbin and raises his eyebrows.
"Still being in love,"
Matthew smiles at him. He knows it's a little pathetic, but Hanbin was a little too nice for his own good.
"You'll be alright Matthew,"
"I guess I will be hyung,"
Hanbin sees Jiwoong approaching them from his periphery. He smiles at him and nudges Matthew who is alerted. He immediately rubs his eyes to get rid of any signs of his tears.
"Guys we're taking pictures! You should join," he tells them as he comes to stand by them.
Hanbin stands up enthusiastically and pulls Matthew up "Of course we are,"
Jiwoong still had the cat from earlier in his arms. Matthew looks atit fondly.
"You can pet her, she's really nice," Jiwoong tells him, and Matthew runs his hands through the cat's fur as it purrs.
Matthew coos.
"How'd you find her?" Matthew asks as though he hadn't seen the scene from earlier.
"She was seated by the river, and I couldn't help but pick her up. She doesn't seem to have an owner too,"
Hanbin and Matthew both nod as the three of them walk to make their way to the rest.
"Do you plan on taking her home?" Hanbin questions.
Jiwoong nods happily. "We even named her,"
"Oh? What'd you name her?" Matthew's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Ricky named her Nabi,"
Ah. There's a familiar sting in Matthew's chest, but he smiles over it.
All I can do is hope that
This will go away
"That's very fitting,"
The conversation ends when they reach the others. Jiwoong immediately gravitates to Ricky who is quick to wrap a scarf around the other's neck.
Matthew smiles at it again.
"Guys wide smiles!" Jui yells out.
Matthew's eyes don't look away.
Where'd you go?
Or were you all in a dream
Amelie, Amelie?
Tell me no