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she was still crying as he shut the door. horribly petty, the door. the thought of her managing to move, let alone elevate herself high enough to reach the door knob, it was just... that wouldn’t happen. so, right. the door, it was just a show of this hopelessness. even if she could drag herself to the threshold, how would she get out? incapacitated, on the edge of death, a slow and painful death, messy.
admittedly, though to no one but himself, collum recognized his sloppiness. the stupid wastes of time that had him rushing to the opposite side of the park, short of breath. horrible, horrible alibi, but better than being anywhere near her the way he was now. distance, he had to make distance.
tugging at his tie, collum let it unfurl from his neck before stuffing it in his pocket. he had to move, move like someone could walk into his office at any second and find jamie in a heap on the floor, regardless of this reality. stumbling over his own feet, regaining his bearings, he picked up the pace.
it shouldn’t have been in his office. how stupid of him for not at least moving the altercation outside? a better story. she was trying to reach him. fell just short. a shame. he winced, shoulder still stinging.
slowing, he shifted his weight, pushing his shoulders back. fuck. she’d just needed to make it all that more difficult. leaning against the concrete wall of one of the information buildings, collum sighed, heavy exhale through the nose. okay. one issue dealt with, fifty new ones springing up like leaks in a quickly sinking lifeboat. massaging the bridge of his nose, he ran his tongue over each of his teeth, trying to rationalize what needed to be done next.
wash hands. dress wound. new uniform. doable. all very doable. the kitchen was nearest, so he staggered there, turning the lights on with the whole palm of his hand. remmie, fresh paint of orange shimmering under the fluorescents, stood in the corner, a dark pillar with dull sockets. fucking creepy. collum shrugged it off, eyes beady and small as he fumbled for the faucet. steadily, tap water turned to blood, spinning a red tornado around the drain.
he watched, stared as it circled twice, three times, four, before gracelessly being cut off by the suction of the sink. sucking on his teeth, he wrung his hands dry with his shirt, already working at the buttons with the diligence of a solider. there was a spare uniform or two in the bowling alley, in one of the back closets. a bit of a risky maneuver, but better than wandering up to a crime scene in some capital E evidence.
sink off, lights off. collum was back out again, urgency making the back of his neck prickle with anxiety. the emergency exit of the bowling alley swung open easily, almost flimsily, so quiet on its hinges you might suspect it wasn’t attached to anything at all. wasting no time, he scoured the closet just to the right of the door. letting his current button up drop to his feet, collum pulled the new one over his head, fumbling for his name badge. tie redone, key ring clipped, sleeves rolled, he picked up the muss of clothes from the floor. dispose of these, then feel free to wander around aimlessly before conveniently finishing rounds back at his office.
it was easy to lose his bloodied uniform in a shallow grave in the woods. he’d return, later, to burn it, but now there just wasn’t the time. dusting his hands on his knees, collum grit his teeth as he rose back to his feet, jamie’s stab flashing his vision a bright white. swallowing back an aching groan, he forced himself to push the pain aside, slipping through a hole in the chain link.
he took a meandering path back, flicking his flashlight on and off as required. chased a raccoon away from an overflowing garbage pail, the green plastic warped from the august sun. muttered curses under his breath as he dislodged his sole from a pool of melted ice cream and something else sickly smelling; curdled milk, cough syrup. how anyone ate this shit, he wasn’t sure. coughed the bile back down, continued. his lazy trail around the perimeter eventually picked up pace, bringing him back around to close out the loop.
the door to his office was propped open. a slight breeze pushed it closer to the latch, not strong enough to ease it into the catch. someone was here. he hadn’t expected it to happen this quickly. taking a few shuddering, unsure steps closer, he pushed the door aside, blinking to let his eyes readjust to the yellowed overheads.
the vomit had sat just long enough to start to truly permeate the air, quelled only by the sharp, metallic blood. it wasn’t hard to find what would later be labeled as the key witness. nibs, hunched, quivering, hair falling in blue curtains, held the swollen mass that was jamie’s head in his lap, hand frantically swiping away the crimson trailing from her lips. he seemed unsure, desperate, completely lost.
collum was poised in the doorway, staring blankly, mouth slightly agape. this wasn’t what he’d been imagining. especially not so soon. nibs struggled to look up, his eyes dinner-plate-wide, like he was afraid looking away from jamie would make her disappear. trying (and failing) to form words, nibs took a gasping breath, shoulders trembling.
“nibs,” he started, no intent on finishing the sentence.
“she wasn’t- she wasn’t moving,” finally, the words spewed, accompanied by sputtering fits of hiccuping. “i found her like this, she was just… just laying on the floor… all the blood and... and... and...”
collum swallowed thickly, holding tightly to his earlier shock. “slow down,” he’d clearly have to take control here. “slow down. is she okay?”
nibs held jamie’s body tighter, keeping her head pressed against him, face buried in the fabric of his tanktop. “she’s not… she’s not… she… oh god.” collum did his best to suppress his gag, nibs hands coated in red. a disgusting lack of respect for himself. “i didn’t ever think… she wasn’t moving. her leg’s twisted and shit too… she’s not going to be able to…” he stammered over his words, losing track and falling into total disrepair.
“listen to me, nibs. have you called an ambulance?” he approached slowly, like the grief was a wild dog that could pounce at any second.
head bowed, nibs fumbled for a response. “no, i…” a far off look washed over his eyes, muting him.
at least he managed to get the point across. “i’m calling now, okay?” taking a sharp turn away from nibs, collum made a beeline for the phone, punching in each number with a clack. “i know this is a lot,” one ring. “but it’ll be okay.” two rings.
“this is so bad,” a stunted sob punctuated his words. the operator was talking, collum was responding formally; blunt, brief. “jamie, she…” address given, medical directions fed, he muttered his thanks, phone returned to its cradle. “i was so mad… if i’d know…”
“nibs, you had no way of knowing.” taking a few hesitant steps towards him, collum squinted, inhaling sharply. “you should probably let go of it- of her now, okay?” his gaze flicked to the mixture of vomit and blood staining nibs shirt. “you don’t want your dna to get mixed up in the crime scene.”
“what?” sputtering, nibs shot back and forth from jamie to collum to jamie again, grip on her torn shoulder tightening. “you… i mean… someone must’ve done this to her… i know… but… i mean, did you…” he looked up, fat tears sliding down his cheeks. it was… upsetting. not for the right reasons. weak, far too vulnerable. a pathetic display of dependency and grief. if he were his father he’d clap him on the back with far too much force. man up! something like that. “did you see anyone? when you were doing rounds?”
oh. “no, i’m…” he disposed of the guilt as quickly as it had arose. dependency. he expected reassurance, comfort, a lead. something to grab onto in the confusion. “afraid not. i didn’t see anyone. i probably wasn’t all that close to my office when this happened.” a bit on the nose, but insanely helpful if nibs could recount it to the cops. alibis sounded better when you had corroborators.
“shit.” nibs doubling over jamie, collum watching with clenched teeth. god. an insufferably useless display of mourning. “if i had just stayed…”
closing in, he circled, a vulture eyeing the sickest and oldest of the wolves. “you don’t know that, nibs. don’t blame yourself for this.”
“she wanted to tell me something,” freezing up a bit, collum tried to work through the stiffness paranoia brought to him, fingers resting cooly on nibs’ shoulders. “what if she was in danger? what if she needed help? i didn’t listen. i didn’t stay.”
cheeks flushed, two red splotches on the apples of his face, collum huffed. “who would even want to hurt her?”
“is the ambulance coming?”
“they’re on their way.”
“oh god.”
finally able to visually detangle nibs and jamie from each other, collum followed one trembling arm to its end point, tightly holding its companion’s hand. something oily and hot shifted in his stomach. “who would want to hurt her?” less rhetorical. maybe a hint genuine.
“you don’t know her. she’s… she’s complicated.” and then, like a teacher trying to find the least offensive way to explain a problem child; “troubled.”
collum resisted the urge to snort. you didn’t need to know jamie to know she had issues. furrowing his brow, he remained blank faced. “hardly a reason to attack her.”
“well, there’s also…” unfurling slightly, nibs’ tear rimmed eyes found purchase on a scabby patch of stubble near her chin. his voice fell flat. “i don’t know.”
right. there was all of that. DYKE BEAT: NECK SLIT. so lacking. MORE GOREY DETAILS ON PAGE 7. juvenile, absent of nuance. “we should wait outside, the ambulance will be here any minute now.”
no response. he obviously couldn’t stomach leaving jamie a second time.
collum reiterated, “we should go.”
softly, through heavy handed weeping, nibs murmured a biting, “i can’t.”
fucking childish. it was hard to continue ignoring his frustration. “nibs,” chiding, a warning, an i’m-gonna-count-to-ten.
a thrum of hyperventilating breaths, desperate to get in and out, punctured the silence. red fingers against pallid skin. “please let me hold her,” nibs sounded like an old window, rattling in its frame. barely holding on, storm approaching. “collum. please.” one.
“stand up.” he spat the words, hands snaking back to his sides, fingers clicking and snapping as he flexed them. two.
nibs coughed a smoker’s cough, unswayed. maybe it was just his imagination, but collum could hear the wail of sirens, shrill pallbearers incapable of keeping it together. three.
“they’re going to take her away eventually, nibs. don’t give them a hard time.” he sounded whiny, a nasally child. four. don’t make me get physical.
“shut up,” the first outward sign of aggression he’d displayed. collum wished he wasn’t surprised. “just- just leave me alone. i don’t want to leave her side until she’s gone.” five. you’re really pushing it, huh?
“she’s already dead, nibs!” exasperated, collum threw his hands up, his shirt untucked from his belt. six.
up the pathway outside, the warm summer breeze carried in the voices of EMTs, medical gear and stretcher tapping against bags with silver latches. seven. do you really want to play this game with me?
“she’s not dead!” nibs wailed, cradling jamie’s red, bludgeoned cheek in his palm. “i can feel her breathing. she’s in so much pain. i’m so scared.” collum frowned. he was right, though maybe not fully. breathing? yes. sure. but it was staggered, fitful. little pops sprinkled here and there as mucus and bile caught in her throat and blood bubbled up to her lips. eight.
huffing, annoyed, collum firmly grasped nibs’ shoulder, pulling him back. “nibs, now. we need to get up and go.” nine. last chance. just listen to me.
he jerked away from him, but collum remained persistent. lacking any of the ease or gentleness he’d had before, collum pushed his whole body, prying nibs away while he sobbed. “stop, please, collum. she’s hurt. i can’t leave her.” ten. that was your last warning. i gave you plenty of time.
he lost his grip. swooping in on his opportunity, collum wrapped his arms around him, restraining him. nibs panicked, thrashing and hyperventilating. “stop! fucking… jamie, oh god.” his words came out between frantic panting, scrambling forward fruitlessly. she was limp as ever, on her side, head lolled, eyes focused on nothing. slack and rigid all at once. “let me go!” wailing now, his strangled voice became more and more desperate.
“nibs, calm down.” each syllable hissed out from clenched jaw, pressing into the nape of his neck before reaching nibs’ ears. “you can’t do anything now. you can’t do anything. calm down.”
he wouldn’t look at him. not after the paramedics had picked up jamie, not after the police questioned the both of them, not after they’d been ushered out, into the parking lot.
nibs stared off at jamie’s car as a group of investigators prodded its insides. silent, unblinking. one of the officers dropped a glass bottle, the other watching as it fell and shattered before the two erupted into whispered argument.
not long after their polite removal from the scene, erika pulled in, hair tangled in a knot of a bun. dispelling the quiet tension and stealing the show, she opened her arms wide, nibs shuffling into the embrace. off to the side, collum shifted his weight, scraping the heel of his work boot across the warm pavement.
“i’m so sorry, nibs.” patronizing but genuine. “this is a lot to deal with.” clearing his throat as if to say hi! i was there too, nice to see you, erika, collum rubbed the underside of his chin, trying not to flinch as he felt her steady brown gaze rest on him. non-hostile. a bit coddling, passive, maybe, yes, but not malignant.
nodding, jaw clenched, erika offered a look of sympathy. “did someone call you?” he didn’t bother with the reciprocation, just pushed straight to the point.
“sort of, i mean,” pausing, she shrugged slightly, arms still loosely around nibs. “not really. i heard the sirens. figured out pretty quickly where they were heading. when i told the cops up front that i worked here they filled me in, let me right past.”
typical lazy trustworthiness. rolling his shoulders back, collum shoved his hands into his pockets, the greasy waves of his stomach’s unrest distracting. “you shouldn’t be here, erika,” he looked her up and down, foot tapping anxiously. “you’re just going to get tangled up in the investigation.”
“they’d eventually involve me in it anyways, collum,” brisk and pointed, she culled her tone. “i came for you.” her gaze darted to nibs, both quietly relinquishing from each other. right. she was making it clear that collum was nowhere close to included in that.
stupid decision, he mulled, imagining tossing his head back and laughing, a cruel bray. your empathy gets you nowhere closer to bringing back the dead.
“thank you, erika, really, for coming, but collum is… he’s right. you should wait until the police come to you.” nibs still refused to even glance in his direction. irrationally, this infuriated collum, balling his hands into fists amongst the lint and loose change of his pockets.
“don’t worry about me, nibs.” touching his arm lightly, she shot him a knowing look before her focus drifted to the park entrance. “are you heading home now? do you need someone to drive you?”
“no, but…” he teetered at the edge of something.
“i can come with you,” collum offered impulsively, unsure if he was even trying to amend any issue at all. “if you don’t want to be alone.” to say he’d take care of him was far too emasculating to even fathom, so he left it at that, slightly empty, slightly cold.
nibs looked up, past him. “you don’t have to do that,” he seemed humiliated, embarrassed, almost. sweat dotting the back of his neck, collum couldn’t help but wonder where nibs’ shame had been when he’d clutched jamie’s dying body and sobbed. “i’ll really be fine.”
frowning like an old memory had just resurfaced, erika crossed her arms over her chest, a silent observer. “i mean,” collum began. nibs’ eyes twitched, fixing on something far beyond him. “if that’s what you want.”
in stomach-turning quiet, nibs dipped his chin tepidly, lukewarm gesture towards his car. good, collum thought, placing a blood crusted hand on his shoulder. he’d have to get over his anger eventually.
erika looked like she wanted to say something, lips pursed as she rocked back and forth ever so slightly, cradling her arms against her chest. she was keeping whatever was boiling over to herself, though, and collum recognized she wouldn’t say anything. whatever it was, she was holding herself back. probably some snippy comment towards him, useless and inappropriate in a time of mourning.
they said their goodbyes, reluctant and awkward, misplaced eye contact and fumbling words, two thirds of an apology. collum piled into the passenger seat of nibs’ car, brushing aside a fast food wrapper and an empty energy drink. ironically, out of the two of them, nibs seemed much more out of his element.
“are you okay?” collum, maybe for the first time during this whole altercation, turned his voice purposely soft, gently resting a hand on nibs’ bicep.
he pretended not to notice him shiver. “i don’t understand how you’re genuinely asking me that question.”
collum blinked. “what?”
“i really don’t feel like talking right now, okay?”
“you didn’t seem to have any trouble talking to erika.”
beside him, nibs tensed. when he next spoke, his voice was shaking. “i don’t want to do this right now. i can’t do this right now. i don’t know why you’re acting so… so passive aggressive, but if you’re going to be like that, can you just be quiet?”
biting his lip down, collum did his best to push aside the snarky, mean comments barking in his mind. he withdrew his hand. “i was just asking if you were okay.”
“they wouldn’t let me come with her, collum. they wouldn’t let me. told me i had to wait here. she’s dying and she’s all alone in some hospital and i had to stay here and fucking answer questions. i feel so useless.”
oh, thank god. another force to be angry with. someone else to point to and say look, i’m not the bad guy here! “she’ll be okay.” he lied plainly. right. as if. when the paramedics turned her on her side to slide her onto a stretcher, her weak breathing had quit. of course they’d flipped her onto her back immediately, but her head, her whole body, it was all uncomfortably the wrong shade, angles where there shouldn’t be. calling her alive was a complete misnomer; he doubted she’d make the ride to the hospital.
nibs shrugged in disagreement, mouth drawn in a thin line. his whole body sagged weakly, slumped over, abandoned by its host, like he was the one who’d just been beat to death with a hammer. he hadn’t even moved to grab the keys from his pocket, staring off into space instead. it was what? two AM? one? more, less. didn’t matter. collum was just sick of being here.
“i think you should go home and get some sleep,” he advised, a chirpy therapist that was too full of it to quit reciting meditative practices to a patient on active suicide watch. “it’s been a long day.”
nibs couldn’t deny that, so he didn’t. silently turning the keys in the ignition, he pulled out into the empty parking lot, steering clear of the cruisers swerved off to the sidelines, junior officers condemned to comb the woods. collum could envision them clearly, hard faced idiots, yawning. catch the bad guy, be the hero coinciding with i really wish i wasn’t here right now! still, he raised his hand in a half flag of respect and dismissal to the 20-something cop by the exit. having a weird kinship with the police made his job easier. he wasn’t one to, but the department in tiverborough certainly saw him as a guy to sit down with, a guy to have a few drinks with. chummy. trustworthy. stupid, but thank god for that.
collum rubbed the side of his jaw, joints popping as he shifted in his seat. clearly his companion was disinterested in conversation and, contrary to his usual reserved self, he was itching to talk. so what did you think? hands clasped, bouncing on the balls of his feet. morbidly giddy, like they’d just seen some fucked slasher that needed over-analysis and dissecting.
keep it casual, he told himself, eyes trailing the banal town that passed them by, momentarily lit up by streetlights. “how far is your place again?”
nibs blinked in response, dashboard click click clicking as he turned left.
okay. fine.
asshole.
flicking on the radio, collum sank back in his seat, glowering at the car dealership ad. with a hiss, the disc jockey gave a mediocre recap of the time, the date, the track he was about to lay down. some washed up college kid, probably. after far too much fanfare, some unremarkable billy joel song picked up, cut to pieces by a spot of dead air. they both pretended not to notice the static until nibs got to his apartment.
“you can have the couch,” nibs swung his arms wide, staging his dismal living room as a grand suite. “i’ll grab you a blanket from, um, somewhere.”
collum sucked on his teeth, once again pushing aside thousands of heckling voices. “okay.” he could at least try to see things through the optimized frame nibs presented. i bet jamie didn’t sleep on the couch.
a scratchy, over-washed, hangover of a blanket emerged from the back of some closet, stains only further enhanced by the yellow-ringed blue spots of bleach. cool cool cool cool cool cool. having done all he promised, nibs began to retreat, snail back into his shell, disappear.
“i’m going to the hospital first thing,” he explained, scratching behind his ear. “i just need to take a quick rest.”
“goodnight.” collum wished the lilt to his voice would do enough heavy lifting for him, but it was quickly shown to be entirely ineffective. turning, only his neck, only slightly, nibs glanced back at him. he swallowed a nauseated bubble as his blue eyes slipped away.
as soon as the park reopened (as always, far too soon) collum was back to work. picking at his cuticles, disinterested, he nodded, uncaring, to the cleaning crew as they filed out of his office. no more jamie, no more sweat and bile scent (just lemony chemical), no more kiddie pool of blood. an off color stain was all that was left, easily flickered over. blink and you’ll miss it. hard part over, collum could feel each muscle relax, a full body sigh of relief. just maintenance.
surprisingly, erika was also back. as soon as possible, not a day after. he caught sight of her bobbing and weaving between patrons, later from the opposite side a wall of people, making brief eye contact before she disappeared again.
they were not at full capacity in any sense. part from the core staff team, now dramatically halved, some of the teen hires dipped. not for any dutiful reason, nothing like that. just fear they wouldn’t admit to, too proud to stoop that low. at least they left with a few good stories: two murders, two murders while i was working there! two murders, never before, not even two murders a year, let alone a summer! and to think, that could’ve been me.
scratching at a dried patch of skin by his nose, collum exhaled softly. total disconnect. brain rotted teenage social circles and bragging rites. not that it mattered at all. they were replaceable, cyclic creatures, phasing in and out unrecognizably. summer jobs. rattling off town folklore. gawking at classmates, designated lesser than them by some all powerful juvenile council. god. high schoolers, they just never changed.
nail of his thumb digging into the soft triangle of pink gum, collum swallowed just as the metal taste - like biting down on a pipe - hit his tongue. blinking himself from whatever haze that had been, (recollective, maybe) collum focused his eyes, squinted, thin brown lines.
all that to say; no, nibs hadn’t yet come back. he was still burying himself in his apartment, stuffy with warped august heat and unwashed laundry. the kind of behavior that stirred up sympathetic it’s-only-a-matter-of-time-before-he-offs-himself looks at family gatherings whenever your name is mentioned. poor guy, couldn’t handle the pressure/divorce/grief/lay off/etc etc etc.
that was dumb, though, because collum knew for a fact that nibs could handle this if he’d just get his head out of the gutter. not to be some optimistic sucker with a brain full of sunflowers and shit, but there was just no use in being consumed by mourning. he needed someone to throw back the curtains, beaming with opportunity, and shake him from the depression he’d made in his mattress. not collum though, no. unlike some people, he actually was committed to showing up to his job.
okay, it was more complicated than that. work was worse without nibs. that was something to be frustrated over. coming from such a good week - dinner from some hole in the wall pizzeria which jamie apparently “couldn’t stand,” 7-11 slushees at 8 in the morning, conversations that actually felt fun! - this felt like an incredible let down.
sitting at a picnic table with a warm, flimsy gas station sandwich, collum watched as ant trails of tourists ambled by, disinterested in anything but the vibrant, sugary sights of the midway. a mother pushing a stroller passed, sticky toddler clasping her pant leg in one hand and novelty cup of lemonade in the other. one of the two (two!) babies in the carriage was wailing, a challenge to the toddler in the classic game of who-can-be-loudest. like some scene in a bad movie, as soon as the woman passed, erika appeared across the way.
he smiled, a forced, uncomfortably square smile, half-chewed tomato and grey lettuce sitting just behind his teeth. too late, he realized she was sizing him up, trying to figure out if she should approach or not.
in a few lazy paces, erika closed to distance, face completely blank. don’t make me do the talking, collum swallowed dully, stupid car salesman grin stuck on his face. erika, you know better than to leave that up to me.
thankfully, she seemed to make up her mind, settling down across from him. “hey.”
“hi.”
“i just wanted to check in, y’know, about how you were doing.”
“i’m fine.” he answered all too quickly.
she eyed him, unimpressed. for a second, forehead clammy, collum wondered what she’d look like if she knew. if that look alone, that look of sedated aloofness, if that look could make him squirm, what would a full face of righteous anger do? uneasy, he released a heavy breath, palm over his face as his nose wrinkled.
nibs wouldn’t have scrutinized him. he would’ve smiled and laughed and the stupid three dollar sandwich would taste better instantly. jamie’s shitfaced blessing echoed, her stone glare still hovering over his shoulder as his lunch churned. i hope for his sake he never finds out what you are.
me and you both, jamie.
“alright,” erika alleviated, voice like the throbbing behind his eyes. “i just thought i might as well. talk to you, i mean.”
he nodded like that made any sense at all.
“that night, it makes me think about why any of us are still working here. i mean…” trailing off, erika let the open air fill in the space. something like my son… or when i lost micah… “i wouldn’t be surprised if nibs quits.”
nonchalance maintained in every other way, collum tightened his grip on the sandwich, vinegar drooling down his arm. “did he tell you that?” a fly flitted about the cross sections of wet meat and plastic cheese.
“no, but like i said, i wouldn’t be surprised. i don’t know if you ever noticed,” she was giving him the i-think-you’re-incapable-of-empathy look, modified so one brow was raised in suspense. “but they were really close.”
collum wanted to snap back, tell her that yeah, actually, he did notice, he wasn’t oblivious. he didn’t. shrugged limply. “i know. it just feels like-“
“what would be keeping him here?”
“do you even know anything about him, erika?”
they exchanged glares across the picnic table.
something clicked in erika all of a sudden, and next thing he knew she was turned away, hiding the fact she was near tears. “sorry,” clearly not directed at him, somebody else, not present. nibs maybe. “you’re right,” thank you thank you thank you. “i don’t know.”
the fly buzzed past his ear. taking a bite of the sandwich, collum observed her, chewing. shrugging, he brushed the apology off. he had moved on, a changed man. “can you give me a ride somewhere?”
sitting, with his hands clasped before him like some disappointed teacher, nibs let his hair blot out details of his face. a quarter of an eye revealed itself, a choking shade of brown, deer-like. collum, who had been offered a chair, stood beside it, lopsided set dressing.
clearing his throat, collum raked his gaze across the living room, a few days removed from him. “so-“
“i don’t know how they found out, found my fucking number,” the blanket was still on the couch, pooled to the side and water falling onto the floor. “but last night, her mom called me. her mom. do you know how often jamie mentioned her mom? in two years, maybe twice. she’s- she’s talking to me, right, on the phone, and i’m just standing there, dumbfounded because, well, shit!”
it was shameful to admit, but he was already bored. he nodded. yeah, man, i get that feeling!
head jerking down, almost between his knees, nibs entire face fell away to the sweep of his hair. “and she says - i fucking kid you not - that i need to give up her body, i need to let her family handle this issue, i need to — and she’s calling her by her full name this whole time, like it’s some kind of legal call! jane marie this. ‘if you would just cooperate and we’ll take jane marie off your hands.’ god, it just makes me so sick.”
“i thought you said you couldn’t handle planning her funeral?” talking about jamie was like picking at a scab. scratching at an itch. eventually it would draw blood.
“i kind of have to because, you know. i can’t let her fucking cousin do that - he’s 17, for christ’s sake.” nibs voice had started shaking, picking up an octave. “and what, do i submit to her parents? do you know what they’d do? they’d take her away. i’d never be allowed to come to the service. they’d bury her in a fucking dress.” hunched low, he stared out into space as collum forced the most sympathetic face he could muster.
“you deserve some time for yourself,” clearing his throat, his gaze darted away. “don’t let this consume you.”
this did nothing to calm nibs, face gaunt and stripped of any joy. “how the hell do i do that?” something in his expression contorted; he was either about to laugh or sob. “i held her hand. i was all she had. she…”
he snort-laughed, pocked by gasping breaths and pea-sized tears, sliding over and off his cheeks. collum furrowed his brow and inched closer, a calloused hand resting on the bumps of nibs’ spine. he was sagging, falling off the bone like tender meat, pulled down by stress and gravity. ridge of bone, palm, ridge of bone, cupped fingers. it always amazed him how well the human body fit together, notched and clipped in just the right ways. measured, purposeful.
“it’s okay,” he drawled, presenting it like it was an alternative way of thinking. new and never before heard of. eye contact. “take it… step by step.”
nibs was rigid, cold. physically, figuratively. his skin had a grey sweat to it, feverish slickness. collum stared, waiting for him to make a turn around, admit he was doing nothing by overthinking this funeral, grow wide-eyed and peppery.
“they want to bury her in illinois. she would hate that, i mean, who wants to be born to and die to illinois? no offense.”
that’d been a fun story to explain. both to second-date erika and shit-just-spilled-bong-water-everywhere-wait-wait-a-second nibs. grin toothily so they can picture you as a little kid, nevermind how rarely you smiled in your childhood (some people are born with their teeth clenched, permanent grimace.) point out the rides that were from the original park, similarities and differences from opening day. lots of my dad knew… and my mom was close with…
born and raised illinois. “none taken.”
nibs had already checked out again. probably drafting a call back to the hornet’s. if you contact me ever again…
silence. his hand still on his back, collum watched for nibs to change, make a move, say something.
“erika said you might quit.”
raising his head like a startled deer, nibs shook his head. “i don’t know.”
not the reaction he’d been hoping for. come on, he swallowed hard, lump in his throat lodged there nonetheless. laugh at the idea of it, clap your hands. show me how stupid it is to think you’d seriously leave over something like this.
“my sister’s in chicago, i mean. i’ve been thinking about it. not sure. would have to find a new job, probably a place to stay after a while.” milky sclera popped up from behind blue ropes, blood-vessel-pink semicircles with big buttons of dark brown. collum wanted to jam his thumbs into each socket, drill until nothing could be salvaged of his eyesight. a betrayed housewife, shrill in her descent. but what about me?
“they’re not… immediate plans, though?”
“oh, no. i’ve got to tie up loose ends here. do my final laps. and there’s a lot of loose ends. a lot of laps to be done.”
finally, he met his gaze. collum held it steady for a minute before flitting away, stepping back to his chair, red faced. something flickered on nibs’ face, and momentarily it glowed as he stood, hand cusping his chin before he kissed him, briefly and curtly. polite.
blinking, collum barely registered the change in expression as softness turned to a husk, replaced quickly by disgust. inward, inward disgust, the how could i do that? kind of disgust that cheaters loved to hate. withdrawing as quickly as he’d appeared, nibs muttered a brisk, “sorry.” before dipping away into his bedroom.
his anger boiled over. side stepping an ottoman/impromptu coffee table, collum caught the door, pushing it aside with a sharp breath in. nibs stared back at him, half expectant, half humiliated. his hair was pushed fully out of his face now, framing his features in hazy blue. the dark pads beneath his eyes and the flushed glisten of his cheeks gave away what little collum had missed. crying; he was crying, again.
he brushed it aside. “what was the point of that?” closed in. “because i don’t get it, nibs. she’s dead, and suddenly you seem to think we can’t…”
nibs jaw hardened. “can’t what, collum?”
his gaze darted around, searching for anything else to look at. he could feel his cheeks glow red. “it’s because she didn’t like me, right? and now you think it’s wrong to,” pause. “be around me.”
“it’s not that. it’s… it’s barely got anything to do with jamie. i don’t know.”
fucking liar. eyes narrowed into thin slits, collum cocked his head to the side. “okay, then what?” nibs shifted, what remained of his composure faltering. “what is it?”
“i don’t know, collum, maybe, like, i feel weird?
“about what?” he crossed his arms.
“fucking all of it? it’s more complicated than what jamie wanted and it’s definitely more complicated than what you want. personally, personally it feels wrong to kiss you after talking about where i’m going to bury my one friend. and i know, i instigated that, whatever the fuck. it still felt wrong!”
“it’s fine to be gay.” collum stated cooly, a messiah of the queer community.
nibs blinked at him, dumbfounded. “are you being stupid on purpose?”
he shrugged. yes, definitely.
“what do you even want, collum?” exasperation had drained him, sent nibs into a downward spiral. losing steam. he was going to start crying again, bawling, heavy sobs that wracked the lungs. “you keep coming back here, but you seem so disappointed no matter what happens. it’s like you’re annoyed i have the nerve to care about my friend.“
stepping closer, collum tried to manage his anger, push it away, turn his face into one of muted grief and poignant sadness. wiping away the eternally grit teeth and heavy eyes he said, “you seemed like you were avoiding me.”
nibs clapped his hands together, amused. “i mean, at first, yeah! yes, i was,” he laughed, something of a mean laugh, but he laughed. “i mean, i understood why you had to pull me away. didn’t mean i forgave you. after that? i’ve been busy and sick and mourning and i don’t really want to drag myself down to the park just to say hello while i’m waiting on a call from jamie’s personal representative about inheritance and shit.” coughing, he tucked his head into the crook of his arm, out of view. wiping his mouth on his tank top, he did a quick sweep of collum one more time. things were sliding and clicking into place, the words trembling on his lips. “look, i’m sorry. i’ve been very emotional lately.”
it was hard not to break through the cast of emotional sincerity with a grin. “it’s okay,” he placated, letting any reserved resentment be clipped away. “i understand.”
“thank you, collum,” a reluctant then confident step forward. “i’m happy i still have you.“ lips upturned into a quirked smile, nibs dipped his head to the floor, nodding in agreement with himself.
his heart beating too loud to think, collum could feel himself swaying. jamie would have hated it, but it was more complicated than what she wanted. she’d have to find a way to manage.