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Death feels like coming home, Izzy realizes slowly as he comes to.
The room around him dances in waves before his vision finally clears. He’s in his room. His small dingy room where he hid away from the world so often as a child. This place was his escape but never would he imagine that this is where the afterlife would take him to spend the rest of his eternity.
He’s not delusional enough to think he’d be welcome to that place of blinding light above the clouds. Not after everything he’s done. But it is neither a delight nor a curse that he’s trapped in his childhood room for the rest of eternity.
“Israel.” A hoarse yet comforting voice draws his attention back to the present.
“Mother?” Izzy is almost scared to face her, to show her who her precious son had become. How he scarred and distorted her beautiful son into a twisted vision of the very man she had feared.
“Oh, ma cherie.” She whispers with tearful eyes, taking him in.
He feels unworthy. When he was alive, somewhere between driving Edward insane and realizing how terrified the crew had truly become, he remembers sitting alone in his room nursing the disgusting stub of his third toe. Izzy remembers thinking of his mother. He remembers thinking she’d be horrified at the sight of him. How gross he looked. How she’d probably scream that this wasn’t her son. He wasn’t her son. She’d never raise such a disturbed creature. It would have brought tears to his eyes if he had any more left to shed.
And here she is. Sitting on the bed next to him. Looking at him just as she had when he was a child. He does not understand it.
“You have been through so much, my dear Israel.” She smiles at him with her crooked teeth.
“That’s one way to put it, I suppose.” Izzy groans and pulls himself up to sit with surprising ease. He puts a hand to his side to inspect his wound but the bullet wound on his side is gone. His leg is still missing. In its place is the leg that the crew carefully made for him.
“Well, there’s no need to dabble then. Out with it! You’re wondering why you’re here.” His mother chuckles.
“This place is certainly better than the fiery pits of hell so I’m not complaining.”
“Well, there’s probably another place for you to visit if that’s where you want to end up but I wouldn’t know for sure.” His mother’s hand finds its way down to his prosthetic leg. She draws shapes and writes out words he can almost feel if he tries hard enough.
“So this isn’t it then?” His mother shakes her head.
“This is where you make a choice.”
“What?” He feels himself growing agitated but his mother never tolerated his tempers well. So he bites his tongue and waits for her to elaborate.
“You’ve always been a bright boy, Israel. Come now.”
“Mother, frankly I’ve no clue-“
Before he can even start, his mother clicks his nose with astounding strength.
“You need to decide whether you wish to pass over or if you want to carry on.” Her eyes, fiery in the face of adversity, shine the same as they always had.
“I’m done, mother. I’ve reached the end of the line. Why come back?”
She considers him, quietly. She seems calm but Izzy knows inside she seethes at something inexplicable, the way only mothers can.
“Why not?” She pushes on.
“What- Because! Because I’m a rotten man, mother. I’ve done things to people that I love. I’ve ruined so many lives. I’m a cruel man that somehow managed to find fools dumb enough to tolerate me for as long as they have. They’re all better off without me. I want to be here.” He wishes he could reach out to the candle by his bedside. Run his fingers through the flame and pull away just as it starts to burn.
“I’ve been watching you.” His mother starts. “I’ve seen you at your worst. Taunting those nice people on the ship. The horrible things you’ve said to Stede Bonnet. Goading that Edward Teach to madness. You hated them. You hated their happiness because you hadn’t experienced anything like that in so long. I know you, Israel.”
She raises a warm hand to his cheek and gently strokes the cross by his eye in a gentle motion.
“But I’ve also seen you grow. And how beautifully you’ve grown, my darling son. You think yourself unworthy of kindness but you’ve taken their care and kindness like a man starving.”
Tears spring to his eyes, just as they had when the crew had left the golden unicorn leg at his door. “Twats.” Izzy whispers at the memory.
“Exactly right!” His mother chuckles.
“It’s enough, I s’pose” He nods to himself, wiping his eyes with a hand thats oddly bare. The heart on his hand stares back at him.
“What is?”
“Their kindness. What they’ve given me. After all I’ve done. What I got was more than enough for an old fucking bastard like me.”
“So that’s it then?” With every word that leaves his lips, his mother’s face grows more and more disappointed.
“Yeah. Eddie doesn’t need me for shit. Not anymore. He’s got Bonnet to clean after his messes now. I’ve gotten my fill of kindness. It’s fuckin’ selfish to ask for more.” Izzy’s rubs circles around the heart on his hand.
“Israel.” Just a single word from his mother’s lips shouldn’t sting this much but such is the power of a mother.
“I don’t know what you’re on about anymore, mother! Aren’t I making the right choice? They’ll all be fuckin’ fine without me! I’m not some vengeful spirit, I’m a man past his prime. I’ve lived longer than anyone thought I would. The jig is up! What more could I possibly ask for!?”
“What more could you ask for! Exactly, son. Exactly!” The fire in his mothers eyes burn brighter and brighter.
“Ask for more! Tell me what that could be!”
For a moment, he considers everything he’s ever wanted; freedom, riches, power. Fucking men. Getting fucked by men. Edward’s undivided attention, once upon a time. But the longer he ponders, the clearer it is in front of his eyes, what he truly wants.
Community.
To be a part of something bigger than he is. To be accepted and loved unabashedly despite all his flaws. He had that, for a while. He had that warmth in Fang’s tight embrace as he fell apart, whimpering like a pathetic little boy. He felt it in the palm of Frenchie’s hand and in the steely look on Jim’s face as they shook in exertion, sawing his rotting leg off. And then the crew had seen him, drunk out of his mind, at his most pitiful state on hands and knees muttering drunken moans about dying alone, and saw someone who needed help. Hell, Wee John had dressed him up in shiny makeup and no one laughed. He sang in a way he hadn’t in years and everyone sang along. These people he’d acted horribly towards, had welcomed him with open arms and made him one of them
A family, his heart and mind finally settle. What he wanted, more than anything, was a family that was never afraid of love.
“That’s right, son.” He looks back up to his mothers face to find her cheeks lined with delicate tears. “If that family is what you want, then you should damn well keep it.”
They’re both in tears. Both mother and son cradled in a tight embrace.
“You deserve happiness, Israel. Now go, and give them my love. For loving my boy.”
With a soft press of her chapped lips to his cheek, Izzy Hands wakes up.