Chapter Text
There was always something peculiar about Prince Ken Kaneki of Re Kingdom. For one, he was rarely ever seen in public, causing various suspicions and rumors to arise amongst all layers of the hierarchy. On the rare occasion that he made a royal appearance, he would always wear an eyepatch over one of his eyes. He had a lean physique and was alarmingly pale, with his visible eye being a stormy gray. His regal clothing contrasted with his conspicuous snowy white hair, and a meek, wholehearted smile always graced his face.
The Queen of Re Kingdom always treated her people with kindness and was respected and loved by them. Many admired her for her courage to be able to rule the entire kingdom all by herself. She was regarded as the embodiment of dignity and virtues with the way she could carry many burdens on her shoulders with poise and grace.
They always smiled at the loving way she treated her son. The way she would gently run her fingers through his hair or the way she would kiss him on the cheek. They always failed to notice how Kaneki would flinch and tremble in fear whenever she touched him or the way white hairs would fall from her calloused hands and the way she always maintained a firm grip on him.
Nobody ever noticed the burgundy bruises hidden underneath his collar, or the grotesque gashes littering his body…
And nobody ever seemed to notice the blood seeping through his conveniently black eyepatch.
However, that didn’t matter, did it? The small displays of affection towards Kaneki from their beloved Queen were more than enough to make them believe that…
The Queen loved her precious son, and their heir was being cared for.
Shivering, Kaneki huffed as he gently flipped to the next page. It was difficult to disregard the pain whilst doing so, but he tried to focus on his book nonetheless. In his mind, he desperately tried to coherently string the words from his book together, but to no avail.
Snap
Kaneki’s head immediately shot up, his eyes frantically searching to pinpoint the source of the sound.
Trembling, he stood up and tightly held the novel to his chest, hugging himself. His heart started pounding harshly against his ribcage once he heard the sound of footsteps . He squeezed his eyes shut and bowed his head in dreadful anticipation, beads of sweat trickling down his forehead.
An alluring… No. A delicious, alluring smell assaulted his nose. It was driving him crazy.
Kaneki shoved that thought into the furthest corner of his mind, persuading himself to forget about the smell that made his mouth water.
' Snap out of it, snap out of it, you don't need it, you aren't hungry…'
Kaneki let one of his eyes flutter open just to see who walked through the door… To confirm his suspicions…
“Your Majesty.” Akira bowed down before straightening herself and looking at the prince. He stopped the amused smirk from appearing on his face and strained a polite smile, realizing it was just her. He always found it befuddling whenever someone addressed him like that, even if it was proper etiquette.
Akira’s eyes wandered down to the blood staining Kaneki’s attire, and her steely expression broke for a moment. However, she regained her composure as a proper lady of the court would- embracing the discipline and mannerisms her position required.
“Her Majesty, the Queen has ordered me to accompany you to her quarter.” She explained in a monotone voice, glancing to the side with an emotion Kaneki couldn’t quite depict, in her eyes. His chest tightened when he processed her words, but he still kept his well-trained smile in place and nodded. Everything about the way he conveyed himself seemed forced, though there was nothing he could change about that.
He straightened his back and practiced his posture as he followed Akira along the way, not paying any attention to his surroundings. All that he was aware of was the internal fear that clouded his mind. He was a passenger on a journey that guaranteed his demise.
Just as soon as she came, Akira left.
Before he even realized it, Kaneki was in the same room as her .
All the slightest hints of hunger vanished, as if they were never present, and were replaced with nagging horror, knots and twists in his stomach.
The white-haired boy stood motionlessly, staring at his mother’s back. Her small shoulders were quavering as she was furiously scribbling something down on a piece of parchment, and he dared not make even a sound. The scribbling soon ceased, her arm hovering over the desk with a quill still in hand. She calmly set it down and turned around to face her son.
“Ken. Sit on the floor.” She demanded with an unreadable expression, confusing him. It was a rather questionable request on her part.
“Okay…” Kaneki timorously replied, his voice wavering. He sat next to his mother’s desk, not understanding her motives but indulging in her odd order. He brought his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs as he stared down, avoiding her piercing gaze.
It always seemed to fuel her sick self-fulfillment whenever Kaneki cowered in fear and showed weakness because of her.
“Look me in the eyes, boy.” She spoke calmly, at which Kaneki instantly lifted his head to look up at her, albeit fearfully. It was terrifying how her demeanor had the potential to quickly shift, yet she knew these drastic and unpredictable changes in her mood would lead Kaneki to be more obedient. Keeping him in this constant state of fear was what she strived to do, and Kaneki knew it.
Her brows furrowed and her eyes darkened as she read the letter on her desk again.
“King Arata of Anteiku has invited us to his spring ceremony.” She spoke his name with distaste, fathomable hostility in her tone of voice. “He specifically insisted that you attend as well.” She pouted slightly, staring right into the tired eyes of who was supposed to be her sweet boy, her son.
"And… Am I obligated… to attend?” Kaneki asked with evident confusion, and the slightest flicker of hope. Maybe, just maybe, he would be able to see the light of day again. It wouldn't matter, however. He knew she would restrict him even if he was allowed to visit Anteiku. He would probably even have to spend his entire time there with her.
“It would be… concerning if I don’t bring my son along.” Kaneki listened attentively as she explained, nervously fumbling with the edges of his sleeves. His heart sank with the dismissive way she spoke of him, he should’ve gotten used to it by now but he couldn't deny his sensitive nature.
“Now, listen very carefully. When we’re there, all you have to do is obey these three rules: You will not talk to anybody, you will not leave my side, and you will not let anyone see that hideous eye of yours. Got it?”
“Yes.” Kaneki affirmed, nodding in understanding. The boy had a visible tremor, trying to keep his replies cohesive. He was a lot less eager about the venture now, but he knew his hope was futile. Besides, even the tiniest change of pace was welcome. The monotonous routine drained him more than he'd like to admit.
“Ken, do you ever wonder why you’re like this?” She pointed at his eyepatch, which hid the inhumane, “Why your sole existence is centered around gruesomeness and depravity? ” Kaneki’s heart stopped. He felt his eye twitch from underneath his eyepatch and all the colour from his face drained. It was just all so… sudden .
These thoughts plague me the entire time.
She would always remind me of how repulsive I am, and how I should just die.
She knows, how could she not? She knows that it pains me, how could she not? We should be bound together by blood, yet she acts like she doesn’t know that it pains me to exist.
“Ken. Don’t you sometimes wonder why you’re like this? Has it ever even crossed your mind?” She repeated, raising her eyebrow.
It has crossed his mind. It crossed his mind every day to the point where he wanted to lose his ability to think. These thoughts were inescapable. Even if he managed to find a distraction, these thoughts were reality. They were his life. And… It was tearing him apart, knowing that he was stuck and nobody could do anything to save him. Just his very existence chained him to sin.
His consciousness getting taken over by irresistible urges unpredictably… He was a danger to his own species.
“Why?” His voice was balanced and steady, knowing that ignoring her question would have consequences, even though he wanted nothing more than to huddle into a ball and hide from the harsh truth. She suddenly grabbed a fistful of his snowy hair and tugged his head back. Kaneki grimaced, yet he remained silent.
“Hmmm… You need to fix that hair.” She simply said, tugging at the snowy strands with an expression of disinterest. She immediately evaded the topic at hand, even though she had brought it up. What sort of mind game was this? A tear involuntarily trickled down his face from the sheer force his mother used to handle him. In spite of that, the boy remained silent and still.
“Your Majesty?” A sweet voice sounded through the other side of the door. The proclaimed queen instantly let go of Kaneki, glaring at him with a look that said ‘Get out now or you’ll regret it.’ Kaneki internally thanked his savior, staggering to his feet and rushing out of the office after adjusting his eyepatch on his face.
“His Majesty, Prince Kaneki? What was he doing here? Is he alright?”
“Ah, no need to worry about Ken, he just came here to inform me about his studies…”
The distant voices faded as soon as Kaneki reached his bedroom, panting heavily. Fortunately for him, the hallways were empty, so nobody noticed him.
His face contorted into a grimace, yet he sighed in relief when he noticed the brown package laying on his mahogany desk.
‘Knight Yoshimura is the one who provides me with flesh… From corpses of… executed assassins and the like.
…
Everyone else tries to keep this a secret from me. But…
Mother…
Would I be better off living my life with the belief that I’m innocent? That I’m normal? Would living a lie be better than…
This…?
I wonder what that would be like… A little innocent boy, with no comprehensibility of his body and sudden urges. A boy with the only overwhelming weight on his shoulders being what awaited him as a future king.’
Kaneki inhaled the enticing scent, and his instincts got the better of him. He soon started ripping off the packaging, revealing the seemingly ordinary piece of meat.
Human flesh.
Kaneki felt saliva drool down his chin, his abnormal eye twitching rapidly as he stared at his food in an entranced-like state.
‘Mother. Akira. Whoever else I may have stumbled upon today… They are extremely lucky I didn’t pounce on them…’
…
Kaneki stared at his mildly bloody hands in repugnance after he sated his hunger pangs.
Human flesh.
He leaned down to lick off the excessive blood, effectively cleaning himself and enjoying the metallic, yet delicious taste. This was the only way to… survive .
‘Ken. Don’t you sometimes wonder why you’re like this? Has it ever even crossed your mind?’
Kaneki frowned as his mother’s voice infiltrated his thoughts.
‘I can’t eat anything else other than human flesh… How was I born, then? Why was I born like this? Why was I not born a human… but a monster? How is it even possible?’
Various questions swirled in his mind, questions without answers. Kaneki concluded that he didn’t know anything.
‘Am I better off not knowing more?’’
His heart thumped in his chest.
The white-haired boy changed into more comfortable clothes, wincing but quickly recovering from the slight pain.
Kaneki skeptically examined his surroundings, before slumping on his bed, snuggling his face into the silky welcoming blankets, wrapping them around his cold body, and hugging his pillow to his chest.
Sleep didn't claim him so easily that night.
It was odd. There was a constant, stinging pain in the corner of his eye.
He didn't question it, as it always seemed to be there whenever he simply wanted to rest… Wasn't it?
It didn't matter. He was tired now, so this thought would have to wait for another time.
Kaneki gawked at the appalling sight in front of him. His nostrils flared at the horrid smell and he covered his mouth with his hand, stifling the vomit threatening to rise up his throat.
…
Mother smiled at him. A facade to hide her cruel, cruel intentions.
…
She pushed the plate of chicken and potatoes closer to him. He stared up at her in shock, his bottom lip slightly trembling.
“Mom? The doctor said eating normal food would jeopardize my health…” He reminded, hoping it would bring her to her senses, hoping that she would at least have some sensibility. Hoping that she would understand this action could inflict irreparable pain on him. Mother merely shook her head. She poked a piece of the chicken breast with a fork and pried Kaneki’s jaw open. Kaneki attempted to clench his jaw but his mother’s grip was hard and firm , he could already feel bruises forming. She shoved the piece of meat into his mouth and wrapped a cloth around his lips, tying it behind his head.
Kaneki gagged when the repulsive taste invaded his senses, his eyes glistening at the foulness of it.
“What’s wrong, Ken? We can’t have you not eating anything at the ceremony. You’re lucky I’m helping you prepare. Now, you better start chewing it.” She wryly grinned, threading her fingers through his hair, as if mocking him. Her impatience grew visibly at the sight of her motionless son.
“Ken. You’re supposed to be the future King, yet you can’t even eat. What will people say about you? Have you thought of that? What image would you be setting for yourself, for me if you never eat normal food in public?”
Kaneki hyperventilated, his slight gasps muffled by the cloth. Not wanting to endure this any longer than he can handle, knowing his mother would punish him if he disobeyed her, he unwillingly pushed the meat to the back of his throat, and immediately choked afterward. Eventually, he was regrettably able to swallow.
"Good boy…" Mother sighed before removing the cloth. Kaneki half-expected to vomit, but he used all his will to refrain from doing so in front of his mother.
‘There was no point in doing this…
I do deserve it, though, don't I…? I deserve it for being born a monster. I must deserve it for being a burden and a useless heir.’
‘I’m scared.’
Kaneki did not expect his body to be affected to such an extent. But it couldn’t be denied… There was no turning back now. The damage was already inflicted. He desperately clung to his only hope, kneeling in front of the lake in one of the castle’s gardens.
The sky was already pitch black and the faint moonlight illumination serviced him well enough. To his benefit, he couldn’t spot anyone in his vision.
‘That doesn’t mean someone isn’t obliged to follow me at all times… I am a prince. I’m also… a danger … to humanity.’
The thought alone made him nauseous. Gnashing teeth. Bloodlust. Primitive instincts. Craving for human flesh.
Kaneki heaved a sigh and leaned forward. The excruciating pangs in his abdomen were consistent and his entire body felt like it was on fire…
Kaneki stiffened when he heard the faint rustling in the background. He slowly turned around only to be met with the sight of…
Darkness. He sighed in relief, though the tension in the atmosphere was much heavier now. He reminded himself that he had to be more cautious…
‘It’s probably just the wind.’
He gulped and resumed his previous actions.
'Let's make this quick.'
He stuck his index and middle fingers down his throat and thrust them in as deep as he could.
Fortunately, that was all it took. Kaneki tried his best to wipe the blood away from the lower half of his face before re–entering the castle.
Unbeknownst to him, the constant rustling in the background spontaneously stopped as soon as he left, too absorbed in his mind to make sense of anything else.