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Remus sat by his husbands bedside at St Mungo’s.
He sighed as he rested his head against Sirius' much too pale arm. He had almost been too late this time.
Hopefully Sirius would see the mind healer now.
Harry’s friend Hannah had said she was more than happy to see anyone with war trauma and PTSD. Sirius had spades of both.
Remus was tired of being the brave one, the strong one. He wanted Sirius to be ok enough that Remus could rage at him without being worried this would happen again.
He understood, he did. Between the trauma of the House of Horrors, Regulus' death, James and Lily's death, the first war, Azkaban, dementors, the second war, being coped up in Grimmauld for so long, all the shit Harry had to deal with, the stupid fucking veil, coming back from said stupid fucking veil 3 years later and finding the whole world was changed. Not just changed, he had learnt the entire world had moved on without him, including the man Sirius considered his husband and Remus classed as Sirius' his widower.
He understood why Sirius still found everything so hard, but the war had ended almost 12 years ago (admittedly only 9 for Sirius).
Sirius was an amazing father to both Teddy and Harry, a wonderful husband to Remus and a caring friend.
Then his untreated depression grabbed him and refused to let him go. It sunk its claws deeply and refused to let Sirius breath. Sirius' sheer stubbornness didn't help in the long run. It led them to this, this cruel spiral of self harm and attempted suicide.
Remus had often wondered over the years if there was something else going on with Sirius, ADHD, Autism, possibly something else. Remus had never been sure, and he wouldn't diagnose Sirius with anything, but then, no one else would if he never went to the bloody healer.
Remus looked up to Sirius almost translucent skin, he hadn't been eating either, so Remus had been shovelling nutrition potions into him. Sadly, they only worked when actual food was being eaten along side them. Something Sirius wasn't doing.
“Hey baby, you ok? The healer says you will wake up soon. Sirius …” Remus said, having to stop so he didn't choke on his tears.
It wasn't fair. They were almost 50 years old. They had almost made it, and once again the rug was pulled firmly from underneath their feet.
“Pads, come back to me, ok? I know it's hard, but we're here. I don't care what you cling to, but don't leave me. After everything... Don't make me explain to the boys their dad is dead. Please, baby?” he beseeched the sleeping man. Tears finally pouring down his face.
“Don't make me lose you a third time, Sirius. Please don't go where I can't follow?” he begged his husband.
Remus had found Sirius earlier that day, led in the bathroom, his lifeblood staining the floor.
He had walked in wondering when they had decorated the bathroom floor red before realising it was very, very wrong, worse than even his intuition had known, and it was Sirius blood on the floor, covering his feet. He was stood in the middle of a pool of Sirius' blood and he knew he would take that fact to his own deathbed. The image adding new nightmares to the long list he already had.
Sirius was excellent at hiding from the world, from the pain he carried. If only it actually worked like that, Remus thought sadly. Maybe then he wouldn't worry about coming home to a dead man in their little cottage. Maybe then he wouldn't have already had Sirius' funeral planned and paid for in advance.
Thinking about it, he couldn't stop the sobs that wrecked his body. All he could think about was their home. How Sirius' clothes were drying on the line with his. His hair he always forgot to clean off the shower wall. His toothbrush and toothpaste and all his ridiculously expensive lotions and shampoos in their bathroom.
The thoughts and signs of Sirius in their home flashed through Remus’ mind quickly. From his silly amount of shoes in the hallway to where he hung his keys when he got home. It all swirled within Remus.
What would he do if Siruis succeeded, how would he endure another 50 or so years without him? He didn't want to, Not again.
“Please baby, come back, don't make me go home alone, a widower twice and see everything there. Everything of ours, of yours'' Remus managed to choke out between sobs. His mind wandered to the book on his bedside table. They had been reading Ulysses together at night, wrapped up around one another. They weren't even a third of the way through it, and maybe now they would never finsish it.
Remus thought of how Sirius kept his wand within finger distance, no matter how long since they were last attacked. How he closed the wards rigorously every night, and how, on full moons he had a different member of their close friends guard the house, had them in Teddy’s room, because even though Greyback was dead, Sirius knew the fear Remus held for his boy on full moons, but Sirius wouldn't let Remus face one alone either, even if they were in the house with Wolfsbane that Sirius paid for.
He thought of the random flowers Sirius often came home with, different kinds and different colours to suit his mood. But all beautiful and top of the line, as well as the way he brought smaller bouquets home for their boys, indulging in the boys beaming smiles and Remus' smaller one that was just as full of love.
He remembered the morning before.
The morning when he had gone to the bookstore to open. Sirius had kissed him senseless before he left, telling him that he would always love him, even when he was in the Veil he had loved Remus with every part of himself. Remus had made an enquiring noise in the back of his throat and Sirius had just smiled at him. A smile filled with love and adoration and he said "have a nice day, I love you."
And so Remus had gone and had a nice day until something had called him back home again. Called him back to Sirius with not a moment to waste.
He had almost been too late.
That thought made a wounded noise leave his body. He was almost too late to save the brightest star in the sky. His star.
Remus couldn't help but think what else could he do? What else was he supposed to do? Bar the doors so Sirius couldn't leave without him? Put tracking spells on him as though he was a wayward child? Drag him to work and never let him leave his side?
He tugged at his hair, angry that he just didn't know how to help the love of his life.
Sirius had once said that it was harder to live after already being dead, that maybe he should have stayed in the Veil and Remus had exploded at him. Remus had screamed and shouted and ranted and raved and Sirius had never said it again, never uttered those words again, but the four suicide attempts since then were really him doing just that werent they?
They were him telling Remus without words that something was terribly wrong, that he wasn’t coping well at all. They were usually so good at communicating, even without talking, but Remus couldn't understand this, wouldn't allow himself to see it because he had learnt a long time ago that a world without Sirius Black wasn’t a world he wanted to live in, but he would have to if Sirius succeeded.
Because of Harry and Teddy it would be a long time until Remus could finally join him in the afterlife.
Remus untangled his fingers from his own hair., rabbed one of Sirius's hands in his and carded the other through his hair oh so gently.
“What do you want me to do Sirius?” he asked sadly. “Quit my job? I can do that, we can afford for me to do that. Do you want to change something? Cut your hair? Get a pet? Change your name? What baby? How can I make you want to stay here with us? With me, more than you want to go? How can I help you fight your demons when you wont share them Sirius? How can I ask you to choose me this time? Please? I want to be so selfish. To beg and whine and plead and scream. I want you to choose me. If it's all you choose, just once, please choose me first. Please baby,” he begged, body bowed over his anchor, his love. Trying to anchor Sirius in return so Remus wouldn't be left behind again.
“Please, what do you need? Do you need me to go? Will that help? Just what Sirius? Just stay with me. Please stay. Please stay.”
Remus stayed bent over Sirius, head resting on his chest, hands still where they were as he sobbed, saying “please stay,” over and over again, like a liturgical prayer. Something to tether Sirius to the here and now, to Remus.
Remus startled when Sirius' soft hand cupped his cheek. Remus heard him say something but it was so soft he had to lean closer. When he did he hushed Sirius gently. WIping the tears that were falling off Sirius' cheeks but letting his own fall unbothered.
“Shhh, it's ok. You need to rest, Sirius” he said softly.
Sirius gave a bitter chuckle. “Probably not the best idea, Moons. I'm sorry,” he croaked out through parched lips. Remus just guided Sirius up and helped him drink the water he had picked up.
“I'm going to try,” Sirius whispered.
Remus’ head whipped around, amber eyes meeting Sirius storm cloud grey ones. “Try what love?” he asked gently.
Sirius licked his lips, wetting them, thinking of his words. “I can't promise, I … I don't want to go Remus, but sometimes it's so hard to stay.” He finally forced out, hyperventilating on his tears.
Remus instantly grabbed Sirius shaking head in his hands and rested their foreheads together. “I know. I know Sirius. I know. It's alright, love,” Remus assured him gently.
Sirius looked into those eyes that he adored so much. “Just ... I can't promise Remus. I'm sorry that I can't promise. I'm sorry that I’m like this. I’m sorry. I love you, I really do.”
Remus felt more tears fall, Sirius was laid on what Remus had thought was his death bed and it still wasn't enough, his love wasn't enough and he did not doubt for one moment that Sirius loved him, or the boys, and yet still his demons were winning, stealing him away again.
He felt exhausted, drained. Unable to fight for one of the few people he loved still in the world left with him.
Sirius felt when the fight left Remus, when he hunched his shoulder up as he suppressed his pain. He sighed deeply, pulling Remus back to him. “But I do promise to try. When I'm out of here I will message Harry’s friend. She's Nev’s wife, right? So a Longbottom?” he asked quietly. Feeling Remus nod.
“Yeah, her, I will get help, ok, I'm sorry it took so long. I don't want to go, to leave you. Not really. I want to watch Harry marry Draco, and Teddy grow up, I don't want to leave our boys. I don't ever want to leave you, not again. It's just … The voices whisper how everyones better off without me. How you all moved on and there was no place for me to come back to. How I failed Harry again and again and then he died too and it's all my fault. Sometimes I'm alone in the dark, or with Reggie and James and everyone, even Petey’s there. And you don't want me here, in the whispers, so it feels like I should let you all go. Let you be free...” Sirius said, his tears now mixing with Remus’
Remus just looked at Sirius. He was such a strong, brave, kind man. Remus more then anyone understood what it was like to have something insidious inside your own mind and as angry as the whole fucked up situation made him, he couldnt begrudge Sirius his struggles. He knew Sirius had avoided the mind healers in case they said he was too broken to be around Harry and Teddy. Something Sirius never would have survived. It had always been Sirius's biggest fear, even worse then losing Remus, not being allowed his precious boys.
But now he was going to see a mind healer. Remus was under no illusion it would be easy, but Sirius was going anyway. He was going to try, which was more than ever before.
Remus gave him a soft smile and a chaste kiss. “Thank you, and your not alone. I just need you to stay with me. I love you no matter what, ok?” Remus asked in all earnestness.
Sirius nodded and reiterated. “Yeah. I’m gonna try and I'm gonna stay for you all, for myself. Because we deserve that happily ever after, right?" He finished on a rough breath, voice almost begging for it to be true. .
Remus just smiled softly. It would be a long road, but there was no one as stubborn as Sirius Lupin-Potter and if he was going to try, Remus could only encourage him and stay by his side. Forever more, he thought to himself as he kissed the back of Sirius hand and resolved to sit by his bedside vigilantly until it was time for them to go home and try to get healthier.
Remus knew that if Sirius said he would try something, then he would try it with his whole heart.
Maybe Remus would get to keep his husband this time. His first and last love. It didn't matter if Sirius was irrevocably changed. They all were, but if Sirius tried, they could be changed together.
Remus just looked at Sirius and gave him another kiss, allowing himself to be pulled into the bed and letting Sirius crawl into his arms where he felt safest.
There they slept, two broken men trying to survive a life that had thrown trauma after trauma at them. But Sirius was going to try, he wanted to stay with Remus, with their family. That was enough for now.
One day at a time, one hour, one second until they got to the next one and did it all over again.
Every moment with Sirius was a blessing and Remus would support him with everything he had. He had to try and make sure they had as long as possible together. With Sirius trying for himself before anything else, because he was right.
They did deserve their happily ever after.
Sirius deserved one.
Remus laid their with Sirius in his arms, their hearts beating in sink, his head pillowed on Remus chest and Remus prayed to every god, deity and entity that was out there in the world to bolster Sirius formidable strength.
After all they had paid their share of tragedy, they had more than paid their pound of flesh pver and over again.
Sirius was now wrapped in Remus' arms and Remus finally alloiwed himselt to drift off to sleep with the assurance that Sirius would still be in his arms when he awoke.
Because Sirius was going to try and that meant everything to Remus.