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Sailom prides himself with being smart, for having the tenacious ability to distinguish the pros and cons to every situation. It's what he's been molded to be, living this kind of life. He always needs to know better before he gets himself into anything.
Yet here he is, lying in Kanghan's bed with what feels like a heavy mixture of good and bad easily blurred through by want running through every fiber of his being as his eyes gloss over the sheen on Kanghan's plump lower lip.
"You want me to what?" Sailom finally breathes out.
"You could help me get better at kissing," Kanghan says like it makes the most sense in the world, looking at him with that face again, an expression smoldering with recklessness that Sailom can't look away from. He's smiling playfully, not realizing the cataclysmic storm he's brewing in Sailom's chest. "It's not as if we haven't kissed before."
And Sailom is only human brimming with his own unwanted brand of yearning, so without any consideration whatsoever, he leans in and does exactly just that.
It's almost instinctive, the way Kanghan tilts his head when Sailom leans in, their noses brushing softly. The first kiss is only a soft graze on the lips, but the thud in Sailom's chest hits hard, a definitive answer to a lingering question in his head. When they part to breathe, everything between them is warm and tingly, his scorching breath mingling with Kanghan's in what seems to be such a minute gap separating their lips.
It doesn't take long before they're mutually chasing each other's mouth again, another close-mouthed kiss, followed by lingering pecks that leave burning marks on Sailom's lips. He lifts himself up to press Kanghan on his back before doing it again and again until Kanghan opens his mouth against his, slotting his lips over Sailom's bottom lip like a perfect fit.
Kanghan lets out a noise at the back of his throat that echoes much, much louder than what Sailom has anticipated, and just like that, the fantasy ends.
Like most things in Sailom's life, good things don't last very long. Sailom catches himself before he knows it, a series of fuck fuck fuck blaring through his head as he pulls away, cheeks rosy.
Sailom doesn't even want to open his eyes, afraid to be confronted with engaging in the same heedlessness as Kanghan does, even when Kanghan himself is just as equally enthusiastic of a participant in this whole kissing fiasco. When Kanghan is the one who asked for it. But it seems odd when it's Sailom who initiates things like this, just like how their first kiss has gone. It's not exactly the best example at the moment, but it's probably just as fucked up a scenario like this one.
You wanted me to, he could tell Kanghan while sporting a facade to hide the fear enveloping his eyes, you practically begged me to, talking about how much you wanted to make your first kiss with Pimfah mind-blowing.
A warm exhale, almost a whine, reverberates in the space between them. It sounds so needy that it makes Sailom flutter his eyes open, only to be met with Kanghan's trained on his lips. Sailom holds his breath, and Kanghan makes it worse by looking up, meeting Sailom's stare with his pupils blown wide, a gaze so drunk with what seems to be a surmounting level of want that Sailom wants to crumble underneath in. It takes a moment, like he's processing the alarm in Sailom's eyes, and then his gaze softens.
It's too tender for Sailom's liking. It's not good for his heart. Sailom leans away, increasing the distance between them. "Uh-"
But before Sailom can utter a real word, Kanghan lifts himself up on his elbows and closes the space Sailom has oh-so thoughtfully set amongst them. "That's all you got?" Kanghan says.
"What?" Sailom manages to say, looking down at him.
"We haven't even used tongue yet," Kanghan says brashly, which somehow makes the laughter rise up in Sailom's throat despite it all, making him duck his head on Kanghan's shoulder blade. Kanghan meets his giggles halfway, a coordinated cacophony of confused and yet comforting laughter that makes Sailom's cheeks even warmer.
"What the hell, Kang?"
"It was just getting good," Kanghan goads, although for some reason, Sailom feels like teasing now is Kanghan's way of comforting him. "Come on, that's really it?"
"This isn't part of my job," Sailom scoffs.
"Oh! Is that it?" Kanghan says. "I don't mean it like that. I was asking as your friend."
"Oh," Sailom says plainly, pulling himself up to look at Kanghan.
Somewhere along the way, he's learned to read through Kanghan's genuineness. There's no hint of a lie as he stares at Sailom. As if it hasn't been obvious that the last few weeks they've been spending time together, Kanghan doesn't treat him just as a tutor. They've grown to be friends. Real friends who care for each other. Friends who bare their secrets to each other, of dreams like Kanghan wanting to make his father proud, of Sailom wanting to chase flashing lights and singing in front of crowds, of insecure whispers in the dark, just like how they got themselves here in the first place.
"I don't know, I just feel like I've liked her for a really long time," Kanghan had told him earlier. "She's always been around. It feels like one of those things I'm supposed to do, you know? I think they want us to get married. I just don't know if she likes me, too."
And Sailom held his tongue as best as he could, a persistent wonder of, "But how do you know if you really like her and that you're not just supposed to?" wanting to escape.
But this—this isn't something friends do.
Friends don't just kiss for practice.
Kanghan seems to think otherwise, if the expectation lacing his face as he looks up at Sailom doesn't already show that. Sailom looks at him, wide-eyed and wanting. When Kanghan reaches a palm to encase his cheek and gently asks, "Is that cool with you? If not, we don't have to," it doesn't help with the crazy drumbeat in Sailom's ears as he nods.
"Okay," Sailom finally murmurs, and a spark ignites in his chest as he finally lays it over Kanghan's when he gets pulled down for their lips to reunite.
Sailom knows, deep down, he could take this much further, could split open Kanghan's lips and slide his tongue without a single inhibition in mind. Could run his fingers all over Kanghan's hair and pull him closer, push him deeper down the bed, suck out the air out of him enough to get Kanghan panting in his own mouth. Sailom could part his thighs with his own, slide a hand up Kanghan's shirt, feel the burn of Kanghan's skin against his fingertips.
But that is not the case. That is too reckless and ideal at the same time.
Instead, Sailom is much more methodical this time, every movement of his lips deliberate. He needs to show Kanghan what it's like to have a good kiss, one that leaves a mark and will last just as long as it will haunt Sailom. Although frankly, Sailom is only doing it based on instinct alone. He's not even sure where Kanghan's gotten the idea that he knows how to kiss, well enough to teach him. But then again, he hasn't told Kanghan the limited amount of lips he's graced with his own, how Pang from Mattayom 7 is probably not even considered one, or Bank who's too slobbery and handsy that the kiss didn't even last for a minute, and how the longest kiss he's had is just the one prior to this.
Like most things though, Sailom is a quick learner. He pecks Kanghan and moves his head to match his rhythm, trying his best not to let himself nuzzle his cheek against the comforting presence of Kanghan's palm on his face. This is about Kanghan. So he lets Kanghan open up the kiss—a curious lick against his bottom lip, which makes his skin tingle, and Kanghan sucks. He holds back a grunt and instead lets his mouth fall open with a content sigh, and Kanghan moves his hand to the base of his neck, pushing his mouth closer to do it again. Sailom inevitably shudders against his hold as he feels Kanghan's tongue against his bottom lip again, and his palms clasp the front of Kanghan's shirt.
Kanghan, it turns out, really likes using his tongue in kissing. He keeps flicking it on Sailom's bottom lip whenever he catches it, experimentally darting it between his lips enough to meet the tip of Sailom's tongue. It feels electric every time they brush. Sailom wants to reciprocate it. It would help to make the kissing progress further, get better, but as conscious as he is now, Sailom definitely knows he needs to anchor himself before he loses it in the addicting taste of Kanghan's lips. So he focuses on breathing through his nose during the kiss, inevitably slowing himself down until he feels Kanghan's hand slide back down to his jaw.
Kanghan pulls away from the kiss, and Sailom panics.
"Stop overthinking it," Kanghan says. "You're tensing up, Sailom. You should just enjoy it."
"I thought this is for educational purposes," Sailom says back.
Underneath him, Kanghan rolls his eyes, as if he knows this is way past that. "You're supposed to be teaching me, right? But I can't be doing all the work here."
Sailom huffs indignantly, his cheeks flamed. "That's not-"
A kiss, and Sailom's face morphs into surprise, which Kanghan kisses again, on the cheek with a heartfelt laugh this time. Sailom's heart aches with so much fondness threatening to burst out of his ribcage.
Then, Kanghan says, "Just let go, Sailom. Live in the moment."
And that's really all it takes to break Sailom out of his shell. Live in the moment. He hasn't lived in the moment for much of his life, always worrying about what comes next. It's as if Kanghan can read him now, too—an equal footing on their mutual understanding, and Sailom, for the first time, truly lets himself have what he wants.
It feels like a strong gush of wind blowing a wildfire out of proportion the next time he presses his lips against Kanghan's. Sailom's bold enough to start the kiss open-mouthed, letting himself taste the sweetness on Kanghan's tongue. Kanghan's hand moves as if he's surprised at the fierceness of how Sailom kisses him, but instead of pushing away, he tightens his grip on Sailom's hair, running his fingers through them like an encouragement.
Sailom finds solace in Kanghan's bottom lip. It turns out, he's quite fond of tongue, too. He licks the seams of Kanghan's lips, tongue brushing against perfectly tiled teeth, and when he sucks on Kanghan's tongue this time, a moan slips out of him that Sailom eats up.
Everything is warm and hot and he can hear Kanghan's breathing go wild along with his own, little pants in between kisses, and Sailom can't get enough—it's still not enough.
Sailom lets his teeth graze against Kanghan's bottom lip, eliciting another delicious noise out of him. He moves closer this time, lifting onto his knees to hover around Kanghan's hips. He wonders, very briefly, if he could, but Kanghan's already one step ahead of him, running another palm down his spine before inevitably pushing him down.
Kanghan's hard in his sweatpants. Sailom uncontrollably breaks the kiss off to let a moan escape out of him. Fuck, this shouldn't escalate further, but the way Kanghan looks up at him, mouth shiny with spit and his eyes so dark and his face lit up with just the moonlight peeking through his window, Sailom feels helpless in the face of it.
He wants to stop. He needs to stop. He should—
"You're just as hard," Kanghan says, like it's a competition, except there's nothing in his tone that indicates that. Instead, it sounds nearly like awe, an acknowledgement that I'm not the only one enjoying this as much. Kanghan rolls his hips further, his face morphing into pleasure. He stills just as quickly and looks up at Sailom like a puppy begging for a treat, waiting for him to do the next move. "Stop thinking," Kanghan reminds him.
"Are you sure about this?" Sailom breathes out, because he needs the validation more than anything. He can't keep letting his hopes up, looking at Kanghan whenever he's not with love painted vividly on his face, yearning for something he can't have.
But Kanghan is here, warm and real and hard, so fucking hard, that Sailom is left breathless when Kanghan squeezes his hips and cants up against him.
"We can learn this, too. Together, if you want," is all Kanghan says, and it's really all Sailom needs to hear.
When he leans towards Kanghan for a kiss, Sailom digs his knees down the mattress and rolls his hips against Kanghan's. They both grunt in a buzz that reverberates all their way to their cocks. Kanghan's sweatpants feel almost weightless along with Sailom's ratty ones. Their rutting finds a staccato that increases in franticness the more their kissing gets sloppier, and Sailom doesn't understand why or the how, just the need to get his mouth as close to Kanghan's as much as possible. Kanghan kisses him back just as enthusiastically, but his breathes have become more labored, and it's so fucking hot Sailom needs to pull back for a second just to sear this image into his mind.
Kanghan bites his lower lip as he stares up at Sailom. Sailom is going to go insane with so much want.
"Can you touch me more?" Kanghan says. A request, almost a plea as he tentatively slides his fingers up Sailom's shirt.
Sailom finds a little joy tugging on his insides with the amount of asking Kanghan is doing tonight. This is the Kanghan he's crushed on when he was younger, even when Kanghan barely remembers his existence. The nice and polite boy who always smiled up at everyone, who tugged on his mother's hand and pointed at Sailom waiting for his brother to pick him up due to the sudden outburst of heavy rain, who gave Sailom his most favorite umbrella because nothing else mattered but being nice according to his mother.
This Kanghan reminds him of that.
So Sailom gives him what he wants. His arms wrap around Kanghan to ground him down, keeping them both steady. Sailom's pajamas get uncomfortably bunched around his knees as he slides over Kanghan and kisses him again. Kanghan seems to get the gist of it, feeling the way his knees rock against his sides, and pulls him down the bed with him, their lips still tangled together.
Sailom rides it out with his mouth trailing kisses at the corner of Kanghan's lips now. Even with the bursting temptation, he doesn't linger down to Kanghan's neck. That is too intimate. Besides, keeping himself this close, he can hear every noise that comes out of Kanghan. Kanghan can barely get his breathing even, let alone give a proper kiss, the beat of his grunts fueling the rhythm Sailom finds for them as he rocks his clothed cock against Kanghan's. He sounds so desperate and wanting, his voice like a song to Sailom's ears, a melody of pleasure washing through him.
"Fuck," Kanghan whines, holding Sailom so tight he thinks he'll bruise by morning. "Fuck, you feel so good. You're so fucking good."
"Yeah?" Sailom says, mouth by Kanghan's ear. "Are you gonna come for me?"
"Fuck, yeah," Kanghan exhales, his entire body shuddering in Sailom's hold. Sailom likes this. Likes the sound of Kanghan being putty underneath him, so needy and whiny.
"I bet it would feel better if I fucked you," Sailom finds himself saying. "Hm, would you want that, Kang?"
Kanghan lets out a punched out moan. Even if he doesn't reply, the way he is going off-tempo from Sailom's rhythm already says enough.
"I'd fuck you so hard you'd scream," Sailom says, the heat inside him roaring, his words leaving his mouth hot like embers. "Make everyone in this house hear you fall apart."
"Ah, fuck, ah!" Kanghan grunts, arching forward, his whole body shaking as he rides out his orgasm, his fingertips leaving indents on Sailom's skin.
Sailom doesn't stop, chasing his own release with Kanghan's face tattooed in the back of his eyelids. When his own cadence falters with the heat building inside him and the ache in his thighs, he finds Kanghan staring up at him, starstruck and his mouth falling open as he watches pleasure engulf Sailom's face. Kanghan's hands slide from his hips down to his ass, helping him finish through until Sailom is grunting helplessly over him and comes.
"Holy shit, what have we done?" Sailom hears from above him, having fallen with his face buried on Kanghan's chest. His heart rate hasn't gone down from his orgasm but this—the sudden fear soaking him as he hears those words makes Sailom's breath hitch.
And then there's laughter. One that fills up Kanghan's room and Sailom's heart to the brim, spilling all over the bed and the floor and everywhere. That's a real laugh from Kanghan. When Sailom looks up, there's no judgement or regret or anything that Sailom has been fearful of. Instead, there are crinkles at the corners of Kanghan's eyes, his eyes slitting into dreamy crescent moons.
Sailom lets out the breath he's been holding.
"That was..." Kanghan trails off, "Wow. I can't even describe what that was. Probably the best orgasm I've ever had. Shit, where did you learn to speak like that? I didn't know I'm into dirty talk."
"Well, I guess I'm just a natural," Sailom tries to find his good-natured eloquence and reasonable reasoning. He simply can't just tell Kanghan they came out of his deepest, darkest desires. That would be awkward now. So instead, he says, "That was uh, a productive lesson from your friend."
Kanghan looks up at that, a twinkle in his eyes that Sailom can't decipher. He smiles at Sailom, then kisses him with a loud smack. Surprise becomes vividly displayed on Sailom's face.
"Thanks, friend," Kanghan says.
"Yeah," Sailom says, the ache starting to bubble up, fizzing all over his chest. His eyebrows curl as Kanghan stares back at him. Right. For a moment, he's forgotten the purpose of this whole thing: for Kanghan to prepare for his kiss with Pimfah. Sailom's gone over and beyond. What can he say? He's just always been an overachiever. Sailom gets up, feeling the stickiness in his pants, and sees just as bad the mess in Kanghan's lap. "Yeah, of course. I hope it helped."
Kanghan blinks at him. "Right," Kanghan says dubiously. "Where are you going?"
"Clean up." The same terrified eyes that they started with has come back, and just as Sailom has predicted, Kanghan can tell something's off. "It would be just a little bit different with Pimfah. You know, whatever this was. But the kissing should be fine. Good," Sailom stutters out, finally turning away.
He doesn't miss the way Kanghan's concerned eyes flicker to his mouth, gaze following him as scrambles out of the bed.
"I'll knock when I'm done showering," Sailom says when Kanghan doesn't say anything, his gaze now trained on the ceiling.
"Hm, okay," Kanghan says.
Sailom doesn't take long in the bathroom, but within the four walls of Kanghan's shower, the memories of his warmth burns hotter than the water and haunts every second Sailom spends in there. He will have to face Kanghan again, pretend everything is fine, and everything will be fine.
When Sailom looks at himself in the mirror, he remembers again just what it truly is: a one-time thing, a willingness on his part to throw a bit of his heart away. Kanghan wanted it, too. He asked for so much of it, not realizing the gravity of what this experience will do to Sailom in the long run.
Sailom breathes in, breathes out. Just like everything in his life, he'll take this one day at a time. This is nothing new to Sailom. Just one of those experiences he has to move on and forget about.
He knocks on Kanghan's door and says, "I'm done. I just need to brush my teeth."
Kanghan emerges from his room, hair sticking out everywhere, mouth swollen and his sweatpants still wet from all his cum—their cum mixed together. Sailom's breath hitches. Kanghan follows his gaze. When he looks back at Sailom, there is only amusement in his face. Sailom turns around. It's quiet for a moment, and Sailom busies himself with his toothbrush.
"Sailom," Kanghan calls out, looking down as he squeezes the toothpaste onto his toothbrush. Sailom watches him through the mirror, afraid to meet his gaze directly, his own brushing slowing down. "I thought about what you said."
"Wha?" Sailom says softly, mouth still filled with bubbles.
"I don't think I want to kiss Pimfah anymore," Kanghan says as a matter-of-fact. "I don't think I really like her all that much."
Sailom chokes on his toothpaste, and he doesn't miss the corner of Kanghan's lips—the same ones he's kissed so much today that they're swollen and cherry red—lifts up. The same smile that he does when he's teasing Sailom, but there's genuineness in it, damn it. Sailom spits out his toothpaste and watches Kanghan start brushing his teeth. He furrows his eyebrows at him, and Kanghan does it back, like a challenge. Who can read between the lines more between the two of us? Kanghan may not be as oblivious after tonight.
"I see," Sailom says, but it's truly more of I understand, and that oh god, oh god, what does this all mean? circuiting in his head.
Kanghan starts finishing up his brushing, and Sailom only watches him, still confused.
"I'll see you tomorrow for breakfast?" Kanghan says afterwards, and Sailom blinks at him again. The playfulness returns on Kanghan's face. He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively towards Sailom. "Unless if you want to stay and watch me shower?" he adds in.
"No!" Sailom exclaims, his heart thundering in his chest, and throws a hand towel towards Kanghan's face. When he glances at their reflection in the mirror, a spark of hope starts kindling again, the heat of it climbing up to blaze his cheeks a shade of red.
Sailom wants to shut it down, but Kanghan is here, smiling at him so earnestly, a bit of toothpaste on his jaw and his eyes so, so fond. He's looking at Sailom like no one has ever looked at him before.
This, Sailom realizes, is not a new gaze. He's just slowly unraveling the meaning behind it now.
Kanghan steps close to him. "Goodnight, friend," Kanghan says softly, then pecks his cheek with no explanation. "If you don't leave, I'm going to start stripping—"
Sailom runs into his room, a giddiness engulfing his entire body, enough to power up a windmill on an unusually still day. He doesn't need to see his reflection this time to know the big stretch of a grin gracing his lips.
When Sailom finally drifts to sleep that night, the thought of Kanghan follows him even in his dream: the breeze blowing softly against Kanghan's hair, his hairdo impeccably heart-shaped as if he's got his own heart on display as he cages Sailom underneath his arm. In that dream, Sailom feels the same warmth linger on his lips, as if they've done this thousands of times.
Sailom wakes up with a smile.
For the first time in a long time, Sailom settles for a hopeful feeling to start a new day.