Chapter Text
Dominick Carisi walked from his kitchen, to his desk, steam rising from the ‘Worlds Greatest Godfather’ mug of coffee that he carried. The desk that was now his temporary at home workspace had been moved across the room so he could look out his one window. Once the pandemic hit, and the halls of justice sent nearly everyone home, he needed to be able to see that there was still a world beyond this lonely one bedroom apartment he was stuck in.
If he’d only known the whole city would shut down for Covid all those months ago…….he would’ve gotten his head out of his ass and screamed out ‘ YES’ ! the second Amanda Rollins asked him to go for a drink or three.
It was only two weeks later the shutdown started. Surely if he knew that was the last time he was going to see her in person for months…..he would have jumped out of his chair and ushered her straight out of the building to the nearest bar and just enjoyed her company…..
He closed his eyes for a few seconds, trying to remember every last detail from that moment. She’d clearly gone home and changed, and Jesus, did she smell good. Amanda wasn’t much of a perfume wearer, but she had it on that night. Fresh and summery, beautiful just like she was, with a hint of something floral…..he’d give anything to have that scent lingering in the air around him….like it had that night…..
The news had already been talking of the Covid virus possibly being in New York, and he should have been paying better attention. If he hadn’t been so wrapped up in the fucking Sir Toby case…..he might’ve had the foresight to spend as much time with her as he could.
But alas, he wasn’t prepared and he completely wasted the opportunity. Partly because of the Sir Toby case, but also…..he was so wrapped up in her, in his head, that he was afraid adding alcohol to the mix…and her dressed like that…...with his inhibitions down, he was likely to let it go way too far….and he couldn’t do that with her. Not with Rollins…...
Sonny took one look at Amanda in that sheer black blouse and her nervous hair flip, and he panicked. She was looking down at him the way he’d wanted her to for……for years .
The constant eye contact…..If she’d looked at him like that in front of a certain motel room in West Virginia……Whoo boy. There was no way either one of them would’ve leaned away. He was sure he would’ve been the one proposing to her in a hospital hallway because they were too wrapped up in each other to think about little things like birth control….. wait…no…scratch that. There was no way he’d propose marriage to the woman he loved as she was going into labor with his child. Absolutely not.
Back in May when she did stand in his office……when he saw that hopeful smile as she offered to take him out for drinks……. So much fear welled up in him. Fears he couldn’t begin to verbalize without scaring her away. If he’d asked her all the questions he wanted to….
Drinks like at a bar? Or do you mean like… back at my place? And then what does that mean?
Do you need three drinks to do this with me? Why?
Did you change into that sexy AF shirt before you came here?
Are you wearing perfume? Is that for me?
Is this just for tonight?
She would have turned on a dime and run outta there, wouldn’t she? Well, he’d never know, because he chickened out with some lame excuse about being lousy company and she left alone. He spent the next several hours kicking himself as her perfume lingered in the air….torturing him….the reminder that ensured he wouldn’t put it out of his mind all night. Make that all week. Okay, maybe all year.
He sat down and took a sip of the piping hot, strong, black coffee. Checked the clock. He still had half an hour before his first virtual arraignment started the day, so he leaned back and watched what little activity there was on the street below.
Still hardly anyone out. Essential workers only. A city utility vehicle drove slowly down the street, past the one person who was outside, sweeping the sidewalk outside the bodega where Carisi usually shopped after work. He ran his other hand down the side of his face, feeling the beard he’d grown in isolation, much to his mother’s dismay. He’d considered getting rid of it….that is until Rollins facetimed him the first time for storytime with the girls (something they did now) and Jesse pointed and giggled.
“Uncle Sonny looks like Mr. Phillips”!
Amanda smirked into the phone, one eyebrow raised in appreciation.
“No he most definitely does not. Your principal is older than Grandpa. Uncle Sonny looks….handsome”. The way she sighed a little as she said that……he had to really focus to keep a conversation going and not get lost in what that meant.
“Trials are all postponed”, Sonny started to explain it to her as he stroked his face, grateful the stubble probably hid how his cheeks were burning from her compliment. “All I’ve got are meetings and Ms. Maxwell didn’t seem to mind……I’ll probably shave it”-
“Don’t”. Rollins interrupted him suddenly and he was sure it was her blushing now. “It’s….uh….I mean”-
“Uncle Sonnnyyyyyy”, Jesse flopped down on her bed, exasperated. “Momma it’s my storytime”!
They both laughed and the moment passed. But he kept the beard. Trimmed short so when he met with judges and lawyers, like today, he still looked professional. Not like the first few weeks when they were just trying to figure things out and he worked some days in lounge pants and a Ramones t-shirt and handled everything over the phone, that was the first time his mother had seen it.
“Sonny, Christ, you look like Grizzly Adams”! She’d gasped and called his father in the room.
Sonny sighed at the memory. He missed his family too. He turned to the framed photos on his desk that had been keeping him company for the last four months. The whole Carisi clan stared back at him, on the beach, out at his sister's place down the shore last summer. Taunting him with the carefree smiles and arms wrapped around each other. They had no idea….he took it for granted being able to hug his sisters, pick up his nieces, give his mom a quick kiss on the cheek.
He hadn’t touched another person in at least two months. Barely been near another person. He missed it. His thoughts immediately ran to the one person he missed most….the one person he most wanted to feel skin to skin contact with…….a memory popped into his head of a late night, months ago, on her sofa. The warmth of her body next to his, her breaths slow and steady as she slept. His arm dropped around her, and at one point her blanket fell away and as he pulled it back up over her, his hand brushed the warm skin of her arm. A simple act, and she burrowed closer to him, her hand splaying across his chest. The last time they’d physically touched. God he missed that. Missed her.
His heart fluttered and he picked up the other photo. Amanda and the girls at Billie’s christening. The way Amanda looked at the camera….if only she looked at
him
that way. He didn’t have time to reflect on the fact that she
was
looking at him, he’s the one behind the camera.
The telltale Facetime ringer went off on his cell phone and laptop at the same time. For a second, he grinned. There wasn’t anyone he’d want to talk to more….but then Carisi’s eyebrows furrowed. Facetiming this early in the morning was not normal for her. She knew he usually started his workday now, why would she facetime him? He also felt a little guilty when he realized the last time he’d facetimed them was more than a couple days. He’d missed story time a few nights, between Amanda having to work late, or him having a meeting with his family.
He would’ve expected it to maybe be his parents. His mother calling him while his dad was cursing at the television. It would not be the first time they called (even in the middle of a work day) to ask how to use the Roku device he’d gotten them last year.
His heart skipped a beat as he reached for the accept button, he didn’t think he’d ever get over the way his entire body reacted to her.
“Rollins…..what’re you”- He stopped suddenly when he saw it wasn’t Amanda.
“Jesse”. He sat up straighter. “What…..what’s goin’ on”. The camera angle and movement was dizzying. He could see the top of Jesse’s head, then her face came into frame. He could see she was crying.
“Sweetie……is everything okay”? Alarmed, but not panicked yet, he waited for her to tell him Sienna was being mean or maybe that Billie had broken her crayons again.
“Uncle Sonnnyyyyyyy”. Jesse launched into a full on cry at the sound of his voice.
“Jesse! It’s okay…..it’s okay….tell me…..what is it”? More dizzying phone angles as Jesse turned the phone around while moving.
“I…..can’t…..wake…..momma….uuuuup”. She gulped air in between each word as she carried the phone with her, sobbing.
Sonny stood up, the coffee spilling as he set it down on the desk. Jesse was in Amanda’s bedroom, and he could see Amanda in bed. She looked like she was just sleeping.
“Mommy wake up”!!! Jesse yelled and tugged on her arm, but Amanda did not move.
The butterflies he felt seconds ago, dropped like lead weights and he sprang into action.
“Jesse, listen to me. I’m coming. I’m coming right now. I gotta…..I need to call for help, you stay right there and I’m gonna call you right back”! He’d already grabbed his keys, and was out the door of his apartment.
“No”! Jesse cried out between sobs. “Don’t hang up! I’m scared! Don’t leave me”!
Why the fuck didn’t he…...he should have offered to stay with them…….as soon as the shut down started….He could have just as easily worked from Amanda’s place. Slept on the couch. Jesse being all alone and scared right now…..regret, fear, panic….he was all over the place, emotionally and physically as he grabbed his shoes, keys, a jacket…
“Listen….ok….hold on. I’m not hanging up! I’ll be right back. I promise! You keep trying to wake your momma up”!
He put the facetime on hold long enough to tap through his phone. This would be faster. He called the one other person in life he knew he could count on.
Olivia Benson. Ten seconds and he could hang up and get back with Jesse.
“Counselor, I didn’t expect to”-
Carisi cut her off.
“Liv. Somethin’s wrong with Rollins. Jesse called me, she’s not waking up. I’m on my way there, I need you to get a bus there now ”!
“Carisi….oh God, last night she was saying”-
“Jesse’s on my other line…..Liv……I need….I gotta”....
“Go, go. I got it. And Carisi…..breathe. Whatever it is….it’s Rollins . She’s……our girl is gonna be fine. I’m coming….I’m on my way too”.
He fought back tears and hung up with Olivia. He tried to steady himself with a deep breath. He’d managed to escape having anyone close to him be taken in by the virus……please God don’t let the streak be ending now. Not like this. Not
her
.