Chapter Text
John hyung,
I almost called you tonight after my manager offered me a position to work in one of our offshore branches. I still have your number memorized, by the way. I wonder if you’ve changed it or blocked me when I asked you to. I asked you because I could never do it myself. It seems counterproductive to block you because I have your number memorized, and I know you would never call me because that’s what we agreed on (you’ve always had a much stronger resolve than me). I didn’t press the call button because I don’t know what will hurt me more - my call not going through because you blocked me like I asked, or hearing your voice again after a long time. I was too much of a coward to know, so I put my phone down and walked around the neighborhood. I don’t know why I thought it would help when we used to frequent those streets when you moved in (the place we used to get our coffee beans from closed a week ago, I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Mr. Kim, I haven’t been there since you left).
How have you been, hyung? Nobody tells me anything about you anymore, understandably, because the other hyungs were orginally your friends, not mine. They do ask me how I’ve been once in a while, and sometimes I almost want to ask them about you, because I don’t know if I’m allowed to. I was the one who made it clear that we shouldn’t be asking about each other to our friends. In hindsight, it was more for me than you anyway. I didn’t think then that you’d be so good at it. It hasn’t been easy for me, if you’re wondering. I’ve been working more and taking on more weekend shifts that my manager is genuinely worried for my well-being. She’s forcing me to go on leave as soon as possible, and I promised her that I will once this busy season is over. She worries that she’ll have to send me to the ER one day, and honestly I think she’s right. These past few months, I work until I’m so tired that when I get home, I just have enough energy to wash up and sleep. Working gives me purpose. Working keeps me occupied. Working stops me from thinking too much about you. Stops me from sending that text after every minor inconvenience, stops me from calling you when I had a good day at work and I just have to share. When I’m not busy these thoughts come to me, so I just find another detail on my report to correct, or ask my manager for more work to do.
Two weeks ago, I saw the poster for your exhibit. Jungwoo was scrolling through Instagram and showed it to me. He asked me if he could go - he was always a fan of your work - but quickly took it back when he saw me visibly recoil. Of course I told him not to worry about me and that he should go. What I really wanted to tell him was that he should ask me to go with him. But I held myself back and said nothing more. I don’t think he was convinced though. Today at work he placed two tickets on my desk, “one for me, and one for you, hyung”. I can’t decide whether I hate or love the way Jungwoo just knows me. He said he chose to go on the day you’ll be leaving the country for some project, and that I shouldn’t worry because he knows I won’t bump into you there accidentally. I’m scared to even ask how he knows, but I’m thankful that he even thought that far. But then again, he was there when we got together, and he took care of me that night we said goodbye. He’s seen so much of our history, and he knows how much I felt about you - he knows not being there will finally break me. I think seeing that ticket finally unravelled something in me, and I’m writing you even though I know I won’t ever send it. I wonder what kind of pictures will be shown there, I wonder if there will be pictures from the time we were together. I wonder how I’ll feel if I see one of them. I wonder how I’ll feel if you didn’t include any of them. I wonder if you ever thought about me while putting those together. We always talked about opening your own show someday, and what kind of pictures will be put up. It always seemed like a distant dream, but I’m glad that it’s happening, even without me. I wish I could tell you myself that I’m happy for you, and that I’m proud of you.
I’ll always be your biggest fan, hyung. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you enough. I’m sorry that I didn’t show you enough.