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You’re in bed by the time he gets home. Late. Later every night.
You know it’s selfish. That burning brazier of hot coals crackling in the pit of your stomach, the smoke that threatens to creep up your throat and ask why, why, why. One of these days, the fire will blaze indiscriminately, setting your relationship ablaze. You didn’t know if either of you would survive the inferno long enough to pick up the pieces. Jigsaw-like, connect them back together and salvage your bond once more.
Six months ago, Leon’s eyes were bright at the prospect of a potential engagement. The prospect of marriage that had been floating between you two shifted from an “If we” to a “When we”. Finances were looking less bleak, too, with Leon’s graduation from the police academy on the horizon. And with it, a stable income, a position pretty much guaranteed at the RPD. He was your shining star. Shimmering bright, you supported him as long as you could before you had to start shielding your eyes. You weren’t worthy to behold his radiance. Least of all now that your own job prospects had smouldered out to nothing. College didn’t work out on account of your dwindling grades. As a result, your resume barely got a second glance no matter how many attempts you made at getting interviews.
Straddling the fine line between adoration and bitterness, you both held Leon close and wanted to push him away.
In the weeks leading up to his final exams, you saw him less and less. He left for the academy before you woke. Long hours of studying and mock tests and physical training rolled into each other, and after set classes concluded, Leon tended to spend time at the library or an internet cafe in the city. There, he could study in peace. Away from you. He said that he wanted to make sure you had the apartment to yourself, to watch television or whatever it was you wanted to do without him stressing. The gnawing doubt chewed deeper as you considered the very real possibility that your presence in his life was becoming a significant burden on him. A light could only shine so bright when shadow persistently hung over it.
And yet, you needed him. You needed him so fucking badly that it hurt. Lonely nights in the apartment you wished he was next to you, sharing a bowl of popcorn as you watched bad movies. Cooking dinner to varying degrees of success, which often concluded with a call to the local upscale Chinese place when you burned your attempts at cuisine. Wrapped up in him, face pressed to his shoulder and leaving kisses on hot skin as you made love, his essence and yours joined together for what felt like forever.
Forever is a farce.
“Hey, baby,” he mumbles now, kicking off his shoes and pulling his shirt off over his head.
You grit your teeth. Your head is turned away, your face pressed to the pillow. You weigh your options, trying to decide whether pretending to be asleep was the better approach.
“I know you’re awake.”
Well, there goes that idea.
“You know a lot of things, Leon.” The venom oozing from your words poisons on impact. You turn your head to his shadowy form in the dimly-lit bedroom. His shoulders are rigid. “You should have the whole fucking police handbook memorised by now, right?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Leon sinks slowly down to a seated position on the end of the bed. The match is struck. Here comes the blaze.
“You know a lot of things,” you repeat with a sting, “but I barely know you anymore.”
The physical deflation in his shaded form shatters your heart. Your anger at yourself for making him feel like this, misdirected, zeroes in on him. You scrunch up the sheets in your fist as tears nip at your lashes.
Leon leans over and flicks on the bedside lamp. Light catches his face, still so boyish in its charm, maddeningly so. His eyebrows are sewn together in distress. His lower lip is quivering. It’s like a knife in your gut.
“Babe, I’m- I’m really struggling to balance things right now, it’s true, but at the end of all this, I’m securing a future for us,” he sighs. “There’s so much to remember, and if I fail these exams, I’ll end up like-”
He stops abruptly. The air turns cold, colder than the cold snap of the season. The implication twists the knife.
“...Like me, you mean?”
You turn away from him. Your tears break free from the shackles of your eyes, staining the pillow underneath your face.
“That’s not what I meant.”
You both know that it is. An unfortunate slip, fuel to the fire.
You feel his hand land on your upper arm, shielded by the blankets. Instinctively, you flinch away from his touch.
“Yes, it is. I’m a fucking failure, Leon. It’s time we stopped pretending.”
“You’re not-” His voice drips with despondence, giving up with each syllable.
You cut him off. Ripping out the knife and stabbing it into him, instead. “Go on, Officer Kennedy. You’ve said what you wanted to say. Maybe date another cop, much more your speed.”
Leon coughs. Or at least, you think it’s a cough. It’s only when he leaves that you realise he’s choking back a sob. Here you are, adding to his stress. A burden, heavier with each day. The last thing he needs when he comes home is unbridled hostility.
“I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”
With that, the door to the bedroom closes with a sharp click. His absence swallows you whole. The guilt slams into you like being hit by a car. The sound of that sob replays on an embittered loop as sleep claims you. Unsettled and writhing. The flames of your misplaced grudge consume, leaving nothing but ashes.
As you expected, when you wake up the following morning, he’s gone. The blanket and pillows he’s pulled from the cupboard to facilitate a better sleep on the sofa are folded neatly. Diligent, not wanting to make a mess, not wanting to upset you further.
You pad through to the kitchen and find enough coffee left in the cafetiere for you. He has even left out your favourite mug, a black cat-styled ceramic with the handle fashioned to look like the cat’s tail.
Acts of service, a reminder that Leon would and will do absolutely anything for you. And you slap him in the face with belligerence, making his only safe haven from the pressure of his career into a selfish warzone. You cry into your coffee that morning, but leave no trace of your tears when he eventually returns that evening.
Leon says not a word to you, not even a ‘hi’. Perhaps he realises the glass he’s treading around you is less likely to break if he doesn’t speak.
He throws a to-go meal into the microwave and turns on the TV. The volume is ramped up with defiant clicks of his thumb, quashing any potential for conversation on arrival. He sets out the blanket on the couch, preparing for another night apart from you.
You drag your feet through to your bedroom and slam the door, telling yourself it wasn’t intentional. Maybe if you told yourself that enough, it would make it true.
This routine persists for several days. The rift formed between you widens with every blank stare, every stretch of silence. Every time you go to try to mend things, your accursed stubbornness forms a blockade. Everything is made worse by Leon’s dedication to routine, to leaving out that mug for you. To making coffee enough for two.
The TV blares nonsense through the darkened apartment. His honey brown hair flops over his eyes when he leans down to take a forkful of food, and your fingertips itch with the desire to clear his bangs away from his eyes, as you’ve done so many times before. He leans his head back against the couch, his neck exposed, and you remember how many times you’ve covered the supple skin there with kisses and teasing nibbles. The bed without him feels like a barge set adrift, lonely at sea, not an island in sight. You hear him crying in the bathroom at night. You’re only aware of it because you’re crying too.
At least you aren’t arguing. But this strangled hush that suspends over your apartment is somehow worse. Conflict without words cannot be resolved.
Enough is enough.
A steadfast component of Leon’s packed schedule is the work experience days that take place in the imposing Raccoon Police Department building. His future place of work, all being well. Every Wednesday he could be found there with other prospective officers. When it is not in use by the media, the press conference room serves as a study hall for the academy’s hopefuls, while also offering them the opportunity to observe fully-fledged officers in their daily routine. They could ask questions when appropriate, forge connections that would serve them well should they graduate successfully.
You kick your feet in the air, perched on the wall outside the station and trying to look as unobtrusive as you could manage. Not that you were a criminal by any stretch, but you don’t fit here. You’re out of place amongst people with prospects. Goals. Security. The bag resting on your lap warms your thighs to an almost uncomfortable degree, but the delicious aroma wafting from within the plastic more than makes up for it.
Your watch displays the time as 1pm and like clockwork, Leon walks down the stone steps to begin his lunch break. He plunges his hands into the pockets of his warm hoodie - a hoodie you’ve ‘borrowed’ many times - against the chill outside. Accompanied by three other student officers, he’s engaging them with a story that brightens their expressions. He laughs, and his friends laugh with him. It’s been so long since you’ve seen him look so carefree. Your shining star. Is he even yours anymore?
When was the last time he smiled because of you?
You can’t help but notice that one of the other hopefuls is strikingly handsome, and the way his eyes linger on Leon for just a moment too long rubs you the wrong way. Jealousy settles in your chest, paranoia too; but you refuse to let it define your actions. It’s done enough of that already.
Leon stops in his tracks when he notices you across the courtyard. The way his levity drains from him in an instant stings. Shaking off any trepidation, you raise a hand in an inviting wave. This is the longest you’ve looked at each other for near on a week. The acidic look the handsome officer-to-be shoots you isn’t lost on you, but you ignore him. The time for bitterness has passed.
“I’ll… see you guys later,” Leon nods a curt goodbye to his peers before striding across the cobbles towards you.
Hearing his voice again makes you want to burst into tears on the spot.
“Hey, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” you return, holding up the bag, “you hungry?”
Leon slides onto the wall next to you. The warmth he exudes just from his proximity to you, the scent of his cologne wafting from beneath the neckline of his hoodie makes you want to melt into him. He observes the bag with a slowly-developing smile.
“...You didn’t.”
“I did.”
Noodles from The Orchard. Expensive, but by far Leon’s favourite Chinese food in the entirety of Raccoon City.
“Baby, you know how much this costs-” He cracks the lid off of the container and his eyes light up. “Did you actually-”
“Sweet chilli and soy sauce, yes,” you nod. “Wouldn’t be much of an apology if I didn’t remember your very specific order, would it?”
Leon shoots you a look. “You don’t need to buy me expensive food to apologise to me. Especially when I need to apologise too.”
You raise an eyebrow, jokingly sliding the container out of his hands. “Well, if you don’t want it I can take it ba-”
“Let’s not go that far.”
Leon raises an elbow, angling the food away from you and possessively clutching it to his chest. You watch as his clumsy fingers manoeuvre the chopsticks to scoop up a noodle, which slips out of their grasp just as it reaches his mouth. The noodles loll pathetically out of his lips as he attempts to slurp them up. You both giggle like children. You swear you can feel the cracks starting to mend. Using your thumb to swipe sauce off his chin, your hand lingers, cradling his jaw.
He meets your gaze. Earnest and endearing, swirling in the silvery blue of his eyes. “You really have no idea how much you mean to me, do you?”
The impassioned words almost knock the breath from your lungs, and you are overcome by just how much you love him. Despite everything. Because of everything.
“Leon, I was an asshole. I’m sorry. I know how tough things are for you right now I just…” Your voice cracks with the trembling of your fingers. “I miss you.”
“I miss you too. I miss you so fucking much. But I miss you more when we’re in the same place, these days.” Leon sighs wistfully, breaking eye contact for a moment to look into the middle distance. “And I’m sorry too.” His gaze meets yours again. “You have to know that I don’t think you’re a failure, not at all.”
You shake your head, wanting to dismiss the thought. “You need me in your corner. And I am, always. It’s just… sometimes I look at you, and wonder how I got so damn lucky.”
“You’re not going to believe me. But give your brain a break, and trust that I feel the same way about you. Every damn day.”
“What’s important to you is important to me, Leon,” you affirm, sliding your hand into your pocket and pulling out a stack of notecards you spent the better part of yesterday evening preparing. You wave them around in the air to emphasise your point, “which is why I’m gonna help you with your exam prep.”
Leon’s expression gives way to tenderness, eyes passing over the notecards and overwhelmed in an instant by how much work you’ve put in.
“God, I love you.”
“I love you too. Officer Kennedy.”
You nudge him playfully in the ribs as he reaches for the noodles once more. “Hey. No more noodles till you answer these questions on-” You flip the top notecard over. “-The Fifth Amendment.”
Leon’s groan is noncommittal, more performative than genuine. You place a much-needed kiss, sweet and lingering, on his lips. The fires that set your bond alight are no match for your commitment to one another. Strife’s smoke threatened to choke you both, but your breaths come clear and uninhibited in the winter air.
The ring, buried in his pocket in its secure little box, rubs against his leg through his jeans.
As soon as this exam was done. That’s when he’d do it. And as you grin brightly at him, clapping your hands excitedly when he answers questions correctly on criminal proceedings, he knows his greatest achievement in life won’t be acing this test. The moment you say “I do” will make everything worth it.