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Harry can't exactly explain it but the train to Hogwarts feels smaller this year somehow, he doesn’t know when it happened, when this train stopped feeling like coming home, maybe it was when he heard the stories of torture performed on its own students, or maybe it was when he became "The Boy Who Lived Twice" but if he was honest it was probably the fact that he vividly remembers the exact spots that the people that he loved and called family laid dead on the floor, Remus and Tonks fingers interlaced as they laid in the great hall leaving a baby boy behind, Fred surrounded by his family entirely silent except for Georges violent sobs, the image of the monster standing over Lavender Browns body after it had ripped her throat out.
He didn’t know what he was looking for going back to Hogwarts, He was offered a spot on the junior Aurors he was even given the option to skip the usual training and intern directly under the Head Auror Robards, Ron was offered the same opportunity, but eventually, with some persuasion from Hermione on Ron's part, they decided to attend the eighth year and graduate with their N.E.W.T.S.
Harry was secretly relived to have an excuse to turn down Kingsley's offer, he held so much respect for the man and the work that he was doing to reform the Ministry, but he was done fighting, he was done fighting death eaters and dark wizards and he was especially done being used as a symbol, the lights "Golden Boy", he just wanted to be Harry, he wanted to get through this year with his head down, Graduate, and then fuck off to God knows where, to do Merlin knows what, with Godric knows who, or maybe no one at all, as much as he loved Ron and Hermione he needed some time away from away from being the third wheel and anyway he was sure Ron was going to take the Auror offer even if Harry didn’t, Ginny was out of the question, They had decided quickly after the battle not to continue their relationship, he knows one day the will be great friends but for now he needs time.
Harry was startled from his thoughts when the door to the compartment he had been sitting in slammed shut and none other than Draco Malfoy came stumbling in.
"Fuck Potter, sorry," he mumbled, clearly out of breath, when he looked up and spotted Harry in the compartment, which he seemed to believe was empty. He had cast a quick notice me not when he chose this cabin to hopefully fend off some of his more "passionate" fans.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, I'm so sorry. Harry is snapped from his thoughts for a second time by Malfoy's pleading apologies. It's not that Harry was surprised to see Malfoy here; he had spoken at his trial as well as to his mother's; he knew that it was part of his sentence to be here; he had been given 5 years of probation that had the chance of being waived if he kept his head down and performed well on his NEWTS, but he hadn't actually spoken to Malfoy since the trial.
"Please, I'm so sorry I didn’t want to. Please, I didn't want to." Malfoy's pleading was getting more erratic as Harry realized what was happening.
"Hey, Malf-Draco, can you look at me?" Harry asked, reaching up to lay a grounding hand on Malfoy's bicep. Malfoy slowly looked up, making eye contact with Harry.
"I'm so sorry; I didn’t want to hurt you; I didn’t want to hurt anyone." Malfoy's erratic pleading gave way to a whispered cry as he leaned into Harry’s touch, laying his forehead on his shoulder.
Harry held the blonde boy through a few more minutes of mumbled apologies and expressions of guilt. He was confused by how natural it felt to hold the pureblood boy, as if he was meant to be in Harry's arms, but that was an absurd thought. As if confirming that thought, Malfoy's head suddenly shot up, seemingly becoming suddenly aware of where he was and who was holding him.
"What the fuck Potter!?" He spat, with less venom behind it than usual.
"What?"
"What!?" Malfoy cried back incredulously; obviously Harry's odd sense of belonging hadn't been shared.
"I'm sorry; you came in here obviously having a panic attack, and I tried to help; actually, it seems I did an okay job." It seems it was Harry's turn to apologize, even if he wasn’t entirely sure why. He knows that this isn't his and Malfoy's relationship, but he wasn’t just going to leave the git like that.
"Well, I don’t need your help! What is this!? Are you trying for more hero points? Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, Helps Even Lowly Death Eater Scum!" Malfoy spits back at him.
Harry was already up and heading towards the door. For a second, he thought about fighting back, but stayed true to his earlier thoughts; he was done fighting, especially with someone he knows just feels vulnerable and is deflecting.
"Fine, Malfoy, but I know you know that’s just not true," he said calmly to a shocked Malfoy. Harry starts to leave the compartment but decides at the last minute to pop his head back in.
"Malfoy, if that ever happens again, please come to me."
Harry finally leaves the compartment to look for his lovesick friends, but not before making sure that the notice me not on the compartment was still holding strong. He was sure Malfoy would want unexpected visitors.
~~~
What. The. Fuck. Was. That. Draco is left in Potter's wake confused and a little disappointed; what he thought was going to be a spat with Potter turned out to be something else entirely. He had almost been excited when he thought Potter was going to fight back, a piece of normalcy in his fucked up life, but then Potter was calm and even had the nerve to offer his help further when he asked Draco to come to him if he has more panic attacks.
Draco was secretly tempted by this offer, nobody has ever been able to sooth him through an episode like that, it's been really bad this summer and has only gotten worse in the days coming up to the start of eighth year, they started in sixth year, when he had that megalomaniac fuckwad of a dark lord living in his house, but got really bad after his month long stay in Azkaban awaiting his trial, the dementors had been removed before his stay but you could still feel their essence, the whole place essentially void of any kind of joy, it's such an empty feeling a sadness you could drown in, and the guilt of everything was crushing down that is when the panic sets in, it's always started slowly, like an instinctual feeling that something is wrong, the immediate hyperawareness of everything around you, every person, every sound, every smell, all with such intensity until there is no sound so smells no voices, everything so loud and so quiet all at once with no way out, no one to help him, well until Potter that is, maybe he can go to Potter for help.
~~~
The first time it happens after the train is in their first potions lesson of the year, it wasn't his first class of the day he day made it through to lunch having Arithmancy and Transfigurations this morning, he was very nervous going into his first classes, judging by the "warm" welcome he had received in the new eighth year dorms, luckily he had been roomed up with Blaise, so small victories he guesses, walking into Arithmancy this morning he knew he had something he needed to do, so he walked right up to Granger, sat in the empty seat next to her and just started apologizing, it didn't come out at all how he had rehearsed it, it was choppy and flustered and he's pretty sure he looked at his hands for most of it, but when he finally finished he looked up and made eye contact with blurred brown eyes, she didn't say anything but she took his hand and nodded at him just as the professor walked in, he didn't need her to say anything though, he understood, she had accepted his apology but he wasn't forgiven, not yet, he would have to work for that, and he planned to, they helped each other all through class and found that they had there next period together and by lunch they had agreed to start studying together every Sunday, the prospect of having Hermione Granger as a friend felt like another one of those small victories.
Obviously Draco had spoken to soon, leaving lunch in a better mood than he had been in in a long time, he starts his way down to the dungeons, for the ever dreaded double potions block, not Draco though, potions had always been his favourite subject ever since uncle Sev had gifted him his first potions set for Christmas,
that sinking feeling starts to set in,
Uncle Sev started coming over more often after that to help practice with his new set, answering any questions that little Draco would have, his mother would tell him later that he was happiest as a kid when Uncle Sev was around, now as he walks to the doorway of the potions classroom, where Severus should be is a pompous blob of a man, There is no more sound , no more smell, he doesn't know where he is going, he's pretty sure he ended up in an abandoned classroom, or at least he hopes so, he doesn't know how long he is there for, he vaguely thinks that someone is holding him, someone who smells spicy of cloves and cardamom, someone safe, someone who could protect him.
"Draco.. Draco I'm here can you hear me, come back to me please"
'Potter' 'someone warm, someone safe, someone who could protect him' of course it was Harry Potter, it wasn't like he had been in love with the boy since they were 11, he could protect his heart with the lie that Potter was the entitled, spoiled, saviour that Draco had decided that he was, he knew deep down that he was wrong, but here Potter was completely shattering the comfortable lie that Draco was living in and rubbing it in his face that he was really a good person and Draco couldn't have him.
"Draco please I need you to tell me what you can see" Harry was starting to plead
"Well for one I can see your ugly mug way to close to mine" Draco rebuked, with all the speed of a dying sloth Potter moved back
"My ugly mug is too close to your... Ugly mug?" Harry replied with a smirk
"I.." Draco realized his mistake in wording "Shut up Potter"
As he moved to get up he smelled it again, the cardamom and clove, had just the scent of Potter really broke him from his panic attack?
"Potter" Draco had to swallow his pride, he needed to get through this year like a ghost if he wanted the Wizengamot to reevaluate his sentence after graduation "are you sure about this?"
Potter looked at his a little perplexed until it clicked "oh yes of course I only have one request from you"
Draco knew there was going to be some sort of catch
"Call me Harry" Harry asked
Oh
"oh ok yeah I can do that" Draco was surprised he had expected something embarrassing "thank you.. Harry"
"Ha that looked almost painful for you" Harry smiled at him, a proper smile, the type that he had never before directed towards Draco before, and something broke in Draco, the smile that he had only ever seen from afar finally directed at him, he hadn't realized how bad it could hurt to be smiled at knowing deep down that it will never mean anything more.
"Harry?" "this stays between us right?" Draco asks
"of course I would never tell anyone about this" Harry replies as he gets up
Draco knows what he means by that and he is relived but his heart broke a little bit hearing the words
~~~
It happens again 3 days later as he is walking by the bottom of the newly reconstructed Astronomy Tower, Harry finds him in a cupboard minutes later, Then it happens a week after that when he has to go to the Hospital wing when he received an anonymous bat bogey hex from a 5th year Ravenclaw, Harry found him after that to and waited with him till the hex ran its course, it became a kind of fucked up routine, Draco would feel a panic attack coming on, he would find somewhere secluded to ride it out, Harry would find him, (Draco still hadn't figured that part out yet) hold and sooth him through it, sometimes they would chat but most times they would just leave without a word, Till now Draco had never sot out Harry himself, but the next time it happened everything changed.
Draco had been sitting in the great hall the next time it happened, he had been having a good day he had been studying with Hermione more since the figured out that they both care maybe a little too much about their NEWTS results, so he had just come from the library desperate for an earl grey and some of those chocolates his mom had sent earlier this week, he had been halfway through his tea and more chocolates then he would like to admit, when he heard a groups of 4th year Slytherin girls talking about moaning myrtle and the fact that she had been especially quiet this year, the panic set s in again when he thinks about the ghost, about confiding in her about everything that year, about Harry coming in and catching him crying, trying to Crucio Harry and getting hit by a blinding pain that put him on his back immediately, crying out from help from the one that had cast the spell, the last thing that he saw being piercing green eyes before passing out.
He seeks out those green eyes now, and tries to give him a look that conveys his panic as he gets up and starts towards the doors of the great hall, he thinks he sees Harry get up to follow him, but he is not worried about that now he just needs to get out, he finds an empty classroom far enough away from the great hall, he curls himself up in the corner furthest away from the door, the panic still takes over like normal but the knowledge that Harry won't be far behind him makes it a little better, he vaguely registers the door opening, the arms that pull him into a warm spicy chest, the sit like that for longer than needed but neither protests, it wasn’t till Harrys grip loosened and he pulled back that Draco even knew if Harry was awake or not, Draco looks up into Harrys eyes, fuck they are really green, he thinks and not and average green, because nothing Harry could ever do could be average, but the most striking emerald green.
"you're staring" Harry says
Fuck he realizes, he definitely was, but before he could look away there was lips on his
"mhm" Draco groans as he realized that he was being kissed by Harry Potter
"shit" Harry hastily pulls back after hearing the sound that Draco made and perceiving it as rejection "I'm sorry I.. I shouldn't have just done that I should have asked first, I'm so sorry I.."
"Harry."
"Yes?"
"Shut up"
"Ok"
Then Draco pulled him into another kiss, this on less chaste then the last, he is engulfed by the feeling of calm, and the warm scent of cardamom and clove, and now the distinct taste of Harrys cinnamon toothpaste, Harrys tongue swiped over Draco's bottom lip asking for entrance, Draco gasped at the new sensation of Harrys tongue against his, they stayed like this tongues battling for dominance until Draco gave in and pulled away desperate for air.
"Well shit" Draco says suddenly feeling very awkward "I um well I don’t know what to say"
"I like you!" Harry suddenly blurts a little louder than necessary for their current proximity "shit I didn’t mean to say it like that" he half mumbles under his breath
Draco should respond, cry and tell him that like him too, that he has for 7 years now, but he doesn’t do that, no he just starts laughing, hysterical verging on manic laughter, he doesn’t know how long it goes on until Harry interrupts him
"ok Draco I get it you don’t feel the same but you don’t have to be an ass about it" Harry says fiddling with his fingers "I'll just go"
"No no Harry wait I'm sorry" Draco pleads and grabs his hands and leads him back to floor were they sit facing each other, Harry reluctantly looks up and him with a crestfallen look on his face "I'm sorry I panicked, I've liked you for a long time, but I never thought anything would come of it ,and then when I realized that you and your scent helped my panic attacks I thought at least it would be an opportunity to be around you, I would have never imagined that you liked me back" Draco confessed
"Sorry my scent?" Harry asked
"Really out of that whole confession that's what you ask about?" Draco blushes "but yes I realized that it’s not just your presence that helps but also your smell, I know it's kind of weird but you smell.. Safe" Draco says in his second confession of the day
"Oh" its Harrys turn to blush now, "if I couldn’t be there do you think that just my scent would help you through an attack" Harry asks
"uhm I don’t know, I think so, it might not work as well but I think it would help sure?" Draco answers trying to figure out Harrys train of thought
"I think I figured out our solution for Christmas Hols!" Harry exclaims
~~~
*3 months later*
Ron didn’t give a flying fuck about his NEWTS, but he has to give it to Hermione he is enjoying getting to experience his last year at Hogwarts, before he joins the junior Aurors alone, some may think him oblivious but he could tell Harry didn’t want to join the Aurors, he was disappointed when he figured it out from the crestfallen looks whenever the job was mentioned or maybe it was the way his eyes lit up whenever someone mentioned that they were going to travel for a while after getting their NEWTS, just for his eyes to fall again when he realized what he had agreed to do, Ron had come to terms with it though, His friend deserved to do whatever he wanted after giving up the last 18 years of his life fighting, he deserved the chance to find who he was without the fight.
Ron wasn’t stupid, Harry had been sneaking off lately, actually since before Christmas break, he would disappear late at night and would come back into their shared dorm with a big dopey grin on his face, he would get letters in the shape of paper cranes that he would read with smile on his face before making some stupid excuse to leave, Ron knew that Harry was seeing someone, and Harry had come out to them as bisexual at the beginning of the year so that made Rons guessing pool much larger, he tried figuring it out at first but he felt kind of bad snooping on his best friend so he decided to let it be, Harry would tell him when he wanted to.
What Ron didn’t realize was that he was about to learn a lot more then he had been ready for, as he walks into his Transfiguration period, he had taken this class, like most of the classes on his schedule, to spend time with Hermione, but she had made unexpected fast friends with Draco Malfoy, so he sat behind them, Ron wouldn’t say that he was friends with Malfoy but a few days after he had apologized to Hermione, he had come to Ron and done the same, he had also heard from his parents that Malfoy had reached out to them to and apologized, as he was thinking about Malfoy he realized that about half the class was over and he had been staring at the back of the blondes neck, damn he was turning into Harry.
That thought was cut off when Malfoy stretched his head to the side, he had been a bit twitchy all class but this was the first time that he had moved enough to move the back to his school robes just enough that it exposed a sliver of red beneath his robes
Rons jaw drops and he stifles a gasp behind his fist, Hermione turns and gives him a look but he waves her off, he turns his attention back to Malfoy and realizes that the twitching has gotten worse and he is playing with something at his wrist, Ron cranes his neck to see what it is and it confirms his horrors.
Draco Malfoy is wearing one of his mums knitted Christmas sweaters under his robes
Rons looks up again to find Malfoy with both hands up to his face visibly shaken and looking short of breath, before Ron can say anything McGonagall interrupts his thoughts to dismiss them, Malfoy shoots out of his chair, shocking Hermione beside him, he mumbles a quick apology to her and bolted out of the classroom, Ron should wait for his girlfriend seeing as she is the only reason he is even in this class, but he needed answers and he knew the telltale signs of a panic attack he had seen it enough with George recently he knew that he could just leave Malfoy like that, so he hurries after him
He follows Malfoy through a couple empty corridors, until he stops just before he is about to turn a corner because he hears a voice, Malfoys voice, and he doesn’t just say anything
"Harry" Malfoy gasps
Harry? Did Malfoy just say Harry?
"it’s ok love I'm here, just breathe I'm here" That voice was definitely Harry but what was he doing calling Malfoy love?... Oh shit the secret lover was Draco Malfoy, Ron wanted to fall over a little bit but he needed to see this with his own eyes to make sure he wasn’t going crazy
"what do you need?" Harrys voice again
Ron can't take it anymore he casts a disillusionment charm on himself and steps a little out into the corridor to see his best mate sanding very close to Malfoy with the Slytherins face in Harrys hands
"sweater" Malfoy answers in a quiet almost timid voice that Ron didn’t know that Malfoy could sound like
"huh? Love I'm sorry you need to elaborate" Harry answers sounding a little confused
"your sweater, it doesn’t smell like you anymore" Malfoy opens the front of his robes to reveal an oversized burgundy sweater with a large golden H stitched across the front, and a surprisingly muggle looking pair of black trousers.
Even though Ron knew that it was there it was still shocking to see Malfoy standing there in a Weasley Christmas sweater
"I've been wearing it since you gave it to me, it helps with my anxiety in class" Malfoy confesses and Ron is starting to feel like he should be looking away, but he just cant
"oh love you should have told me, I would have given you a new one every day if I knew it was helping you" Harry told him
"I don’t want to be a burden" Malfoy answers looking down at his feet
"Draco.. Love you will never be a burden please never forget that, you wouldn’t be a burden even if you needed the clothes right off my back"
"Actually" Harry looks down at the sweater he was wearing, The one Molly had made him just this year "we are going to go to the dorms and we are going to swap sweaters"
Malfoy finally looks up at him eyes full of disbelief and adoration "I love you" he breathes, he leans in and kisses Harry hard, Ron decides it's time for him to leave but as he does he hears,
"Merlin you don’t understand how long I've wanted to hear you say that, I love you too, So much Draco, now come on I love seeing you in my sweaters but I'm sure it would look much better on the floor of my dorm"
"Harry!" Draco whispers scandalized
"what? I just mean when I give you the one I'm wearing" Harry replies smirking as they walk towards the eighth year dorms
~~~
Even though a little bit of Ron wants to forget everything that he saw yesterday and never address it, he also know that he has never seen his best mate this happy and he wasn’t Harry to know that he has someone to support him.
Both Harry and Ron are early risers, a habit they haven't been able to kick since the Forest Of Dean, so that means they are some of the only students in the great hall this early for breakfast, Ron decides that now is as good a time as ever
"Harry .. Mate can we talk?"
"sure Ron? what’s up? are you ok?" Harry asks slightly concerned
"wow ok I.. I don’t know how to start this" Ron stammers
"just spit it out mate"
"Iknowaboutyouandmalfoy" Ron spits out as fast as he can
"sorry?" Harry asks amused, "I'm going to need you to slow down a bit"
"You and Malfoy, I saw you yesterday in the hall; actually, I followed him out."
"you what? I thought we had decided on a truce this year!" Harry half shouts
This was an odd angry outburst from Harry but I guess it makes sense Ron had just admitted to stalking his boyfriend with no explanation.
" Wait harry no, that.. That came out wrong let me explain" Ron corrects himself
"sorry Ron I.. Just sorry please explain" Harry answers apologetically
Ron explains what he had seen in Transfig, and how he followed Malfoy out with the intentions to try to help his before he saw what he saw
"I'll never yell anyone, not even Hermione if you don't want her to know" Ron finishes his explanation
Harry stared at his best mate a little shocked
"Oh, and while we are having a talk, don’t join the Aurors I know you don’t want to, take your Slytherin and travel the world"
Harry was in a state of shock so all he could think to do was pull his friend into a hug
"mate look I know we all have a past with Malfoy but honestly even if I hadn’t seen what I had last night I.. well Malfoy seems like a good enough bloke these days, after he apologized to us Hermione found the perfect study buddy in him, and anybody who keeps me out of the library and makes my best mate smile like you have been these last couple months, well I guess I can handle it being Malfoy"
They both pull away and laugh, their friendship has never been intimate like this before but harry has decided he likes it and will definitely be going to Ron with things more often in the future.
Ron looks up just to see Draco entering the great hall, gasps, and says to Harry, "Oi mate, I guess I won’t have to worry about not telling anyone anymore."
"wha.." Harry turns to look behind him to see that Draco Malfoy is striding decidedly towards him, Harry's sweater on full display. He stalks up to Harry and kisses him right in the middle of the great hall, which had filled out substantially in the last couple of minutes. There were a couple audible gasps, some clapping, and a couple of whistles.
"I'm done hiding; also, wearing this sweater under my robes was starting to get stuffy." Draco murmured against Harry's lips.
Oh, thank god, I was really not looking forward to keeping this from Hermoine," Ron says, relieved.
Oh, please," Draco says, finally coming up for air. "Hermione figured it out the first time I wore the sweater to one of our study sessions; since then she has been my confidant," Draco admits from Harry's lap.
~~~
*One Year Later*
Draco had been nervous to go to the Weasleys for Christmas; he had started going to Sunday dinner with Harry regularly after graduation; they had moved into Grimmauld, hated it, sold it, and bought a cottage out in the country; Draco is working on his potions mastery; and Harry still hasn’t decided what he will do when he settles down, but for now he has multiple vacations on the books for both him and Draco. They arrive at the burrow a little late; everyone is already there; they are greeted with hugs and smiles; and the awkwardness of Draco's first visit to the burrow is long gone.
Dinner was amazing as usual; Molly could never cook a bad meal, and it was time to sit down for presents. Draco wasn’t expecting anything; he and Harry had exchanged gifts this morning, so he curled up by his boyfriend's side just to watch. That was until Ron walked up to them with two lumpy-looking packages.
"Wrapped em myself, they're from mum tho really" Ron states proudly.
Draco looks up at Molly and sees her smiling back; she urges him to open it. Draco looks down at the package in his lap. He knows exactly what's in it, but he is still so excited to open it. He carefully pulls at the wrapping; Ron was so proud of his job that he couldn’t just tear it. He lifts up the beautiful green knitted sweater in front of his face to examine the silver D stunningly knit into the front of the sweater. He has rarely felt so loved.
And if Ron spritzed it with a little of Harry's cologne before wrapping it up, that’s nobody’s business.
~fin~