Chapter Text
~1~
Lan Xichen has nightmares. It is normal, he supposes. Most of the people he knows probably have them these days. They are mostly about his brother, lately. He walks into the Jingshi, and sees Wangji’s silhouette on his bed, the bandages on his back saturated with blood, his figure too still even for him. He wakes up screaming his name.
Sometimes they are about the war. A fierce corpse makes its way into his tent while he is sleeping, the guards and the wards somehow incapacitated, and he is being strangled before he has the chance to react, and he only wonders if it’s the Wens or if Wei-gongzi finally lost control.
Tonight he wakes up with the smell of smoke in his nostrils, his fingers hurt from clutching at the scrolls, his mind dizzy from flying too fast for too long. Huh. It has been a while since he has had this particular one.
There is no point in trying to go back to sleep now, so he decides to take a walk in the warm and fragrant night in Koi Tower, hoping Da-ge and A-Yao will forgive him if he is distracted at the meeting tomorrow. He takes deep breaths as he walks, trying to slow down his mind. Breathe in. The Cloud Recesses are safe. Breathe out. The war is over. Breathe in. Wangji is still in bed but he is getting better. Breathe out. He will live.
He takes a turn he has not taken before and ends up in a garden he doesn’t recognize. The smell of lotus flowers permeates the air, and he can hear a gentle melody coming from a pavilion up front. In the next instant, he notices the purple robes.
Sect Leader Jiang is walking round and round, holding a bundle wrapped in a golden, excessively embroidered blanket to his chest, and humming what must be a Yunmeng lullaby. He stops the humming when their eyes meet, but not the walking.
“Zewu-Jun,” he says and nods, voice low and exhausted. He doesn’t explain the reason for the less than polite greeting, but then Lan Xichen hears a low sigh that is not coming from either of them, and he can just make out the soft chubby cheeks peeking from the folds of the blanket. He returns the greeting as quietly as possible.
The man — the boy really; Lan Xichen has to remind himself how terribly young he is — looks like he is hanging by a thread. His eyes are tired and empty, his face gaunt. But as soon his gaze lands on the serene face of his tiny nephew, it gains some color, and his eyes seem to crinkle in a small, not-quite-there smile.
“He is asleep, finally,” he says with a sigh.
Lan Xichen, still surprised by the unexpected view in front of him, finally finds his words. “I apologize, Sect Leader Jiang. I hadn’t anticipated… I was not aware you were at Koi Tower.”
Sect Leader Jiang stops in front of him, but then proceeds to bounce lightly on his toes, his clarity bell chiming gently on his hip.
“His wet nurse is sick. And he can only sleep with her. Or me. I don’t know why, maybe it’s my smell, maybe I remind him of…” he trails off. “I flew as soon as I had some time. I just want him to get some sleep. He, at least, should be able to get some sleep…”
Lan Xichen feels like he ought to help, like he ought to say something. But what can he say to the man who has lost almost everything?
When Sect Leader Jiang sits down on a bench, and looks at the tiny round face again, like his whole world lies in the crook of his arm, Lan Xichen quietly sits next to him, and listens to the hummed lullaby. And when Sect Leader Jiang’s eyes start filling with tears, Lan Xichen thinks that this is not something he would like other people to witness, so he pretends he doesn’t notice, says goodnight and leaves.
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~2~
Lan Xichen refills Sect Leader Jiang’s teacup in the small break they take after finishing the third point in their meeting agenda. He takes a breath and prepares to speak, when he hears the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps on the stairs in front of the Hanshi. A moment later, someone knocks on the door.
“I apologize,” he says, frowning. “I have told them not to interrupt us, so this may be urgent.”
As he slides the door open, the tear-streaked snotty face of Lan Yuan appears in front of him. Lan Xichen kneels and looks at him, his brows furrowed in worry. “A-Yuan? What is wrong?”
Lan Yuan’s lower lip quivers, and he bursts into tears, throwing himself into Lan Xichen’s arms. An out of breath disciple approaches as fast as he can without actually running, and bows deeply.
“I apologize, Sect Leader. I told him you were occupied, but he wouldn’t listen.” He tries to take Lan Yuan from Lan Xichen’s arms, but the little boy starts wailing even louder and holds on even tighter. “No, no, no! I want a-die! Where is a-die?”
“Lan Yuan, look at me,” Lan Xichen says. “Wangji is on a night hunt. He will be back tomorrow.”
This doesn’t really help. As Lan Yuan continues crying, Lan Xichen turns towards Sect Leader Jiang, and helplessly says, “I apologize for the disruption.”
Sect Leader Jiang watches the scene, his brows knitted. He is not exactly annoyed. It is only that the features of his face seem to be set in a constant frown in the last several years, or at least whenever Lan Xichen meets him.
He walks over to the porch of the Hanshi and sits next to them. “It is alright. Is he Lan Wangji’s son?”
“Yes,” says Lan Xichen.
Sect Leader Jiang watches them for a moment. He removes the clarity bell from his belt, and starts talking with a soft, soothing voice. “Hey there, Lan Yuan. Have you ever seen a clarity bell?”
Lan Yuan turns his head on Lan Xichen’s chest slightly, enough to take a peak.
“Would you like to hold it?”
The boy stops crying, and raises his head to look at his uncle, a silent question in his eyes. Lan Xichen smiles and nods. Lan Yuan’s eyes turn wide as his tiny fingers reach for the string the bell is hanging from. “What… what does it do?”
“Hmm… it is infused with spiritual energy and can help with focusing the mind. Some of us also have different wards or spells cast on it, to repel ghosts or to warn us of high levels of yin energy.”
Lan Yuan’s mouth is formed in an adorable 'o' shape, as he looks at the bell, crying completely forgotten. “Can I… can I have one of my own?” he asks, eyes darting from Lan Xichen to Sect Leader Jiang.
“You know what? Once you become a little older, you can come visit me at Lotus Pier, and I will have one made especially for you, the same as this one.”
Lan Yuan narrows his eyes in consideration. “Can mine have bunnies instead of lotuses?”
Sect Leader Jiang chuckles, his features finally relaxing. “I will see what I can do.”
Lan Yuan returns the bell, grinning. He looks around, a little embarrassed, and finally bows. “I am sorry for interrupting your meeting. I will go back now.” His face looks serious and determined, his mouth gathered in a tiny pout, and his still chubby arms are barely long enough for him to fold them properly in front of him. It really is adorable.
Later, as they watch Lan Yuan skipping away, Lan Xichen turns towards Sect Leader Jiang. “Again, Sect Leader Jiang, I am sor–”
“Zewu-Jun, I swear, if you say you are sorry one more time, I will fucking leave!”
Lan Xichen closes his mouth, then opens it and almost apologizes for apologizing, and then promptly shuts it again. Sect Leader Jiang takes a deep breath, and continues, looking tired and exasperated.
“Look. Heaven knows I have had to interrupt and reschedule meetings due to taking care of Jin Ling. It would be hypocritical of me to get offended over this. I understand.”
Of course. Of course he would understand, and know how to calm down an upset child. It is probably this realization that prompts Lan Xichen to start talking.
“Thank you. As you may have heard, Wangji has left seclusion recently and has started going on night hunts again. A-Yuan is aware of this. He is usually fine. I am not certain why he acted like this today.”
“He is a child, Zewu-Jun,” Sect Leader Jiang says, and looks into the distance. “It is easy to forget that when they are smart and polite, but they are children. We can’t expect them to behave like they are not.” He smiles ruefully, and continues, “Besides, they are always more polite in front of strangers, and have the worst manners when they are with people they love and feel safe with. At least, that’s what I like to tell myself. Considering how my nephew acts when he is around me.”
Lan Xichen chuckles. “Thank you for the reassurance, Sect Leader Jiang. Shall we continue the discussion?”
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~3~
Lan Xichen is numb. He is leaning against a tree next to Guanyin Temple, tired and exhausted in a way he has never been. Not at times when his spiritual power has been sealed. Not during the war. Not even after Nightless City.
He has the impression he is floating above his body, watching himself from a distance. It is probably not a good thing, but he does not feel worried about that. He realizes he can not feel anything. He tries to feel happy for Wangji, finally getting the person he has wanted and loved his whole life. He tries to feel ashamed or indignant, under his uncle’s disapproving stare. He tries to feel compassion towards Jiang Wanyin, who is watching Jin Ling leaving, looking as tired and dejected as himself. He comes up with nothing.
He thinks he is drifting off into what is hopefully a year-long sleep, when a low voice startles him.
“Sect Leader Yao!” Jiang Wanyin hisses, venom dripping from his voice, stomping towards the other man. “Who the fuck do you think you are,” he says, poking Sect Leader Yao with his finger, “to tell my nephew whether he can or can not cry?”
“You-” is the only thing that Sect Leader Yao can mutter, his eyes widening in alarm.
“You stupid fucking asshole! That child has experienced more tragedy and loss in his life than anyone has ever deserved to experience! So if he wants to cry about it, he has the fucking right to cry, and nobody is allowed to say anything, and especially not a son of a bitch such as yourself! If you were in his place, you miserable piece of shit, you would barely have enough sense to be able to wipe your own ass! He lost his uncle! He lost another family member, you fucking idiot, and even though his uncle was a murdering psychopath, he hasn’t even had half a shichen to consider that! He is not as soft-hearted as a woman if he cries, you fool! What? Do men not cry? The only way one can manage not to cry in this situation is by being an emotionally stunted bitch like yourself! You are never to tell him what he can or can not do! You are never to tell him how men should act! Do I make myself clear?”
“You can not address me this way!” Sect Leader Yao shouts, trying to make himself look bigger and more intimidating.
“Do I make myself clear?!” Jiang Wanying yells, Zidian sparkling to life in his hand.
They stand like that for a moment or two, Sect Leader Yao slightly trembling, before he huffs and turns around, grumbling about how some people are not worth bothering with.
It is many days later, and Lan Xichen is in the Hanshi, when he remembers what Jiang Wanying had said, and finally gives himself the permission to cry.