Chapter Text
There was just something about Armin.
Erwin hadn’t been able to put his finger on it at first, but he was nothing if not perceptive.
Armin undoubtedly had a rare talent. What he lacked in physical attributes (Shadis had graded him a pitiful two out of ten for combat - it was a wonder the boy had even survived Trost) he made up for with his intellect. Pixis had revealed to Erwin after Trost was retaken, during their covert meeting atop Wall Rose, that it had been Cadet Arlert of the 104th Training Corps Southern Division who had saved them all from being titan fodder. It may have been a slight exaggeration, if the whisky on Pixis' breath was anything to go by. But Armin was certainly a strategist in the making, a prodigy. Back then Erwin only knew him as a name. Faceless like any other trainee soldier; there were hundreds of them and only a handful ever dared to join the Survey Corps. Erwin wasn’t the type of man to make assumptions about people before meeting them, but he couldn’t deny that even he had been taken aback a little when he finally laid eyes on Armin for the first time.
It had been the day of the trial. Erwin was busy. He was only briefly able to observe Armin, with fleeting glances now and then. He had much more important things to worry about that day. But he thought of Armin again when he returned back to his office. Couldn’t get the boy out of his mind. Pixis had joked about Armin being too young to devise such plans, comparing him to Erwin in his youth.
When he had been giving his speech to rally the young cadets to his cause, Erwin’s gaze had met Armin’s for just a brief moment. There was just something in those eyes. He couldn’t stop thinking about those eyes.
The day after the Survey Corps formally accepted their new recruits, Erwin had skimmed through all of their written reports, though he found himself mulling over Armin’s in particular. The Ackerman girl was impressive too with her physical prowess they said matched a hundred ordinary soldiers. Erwin had heard excitable whispers from soldiers comparing her to Levi (no one could compare to Levi). But it was Armin’s report he lingered on, became stubbornly fixated on. When Erwin found a new obsession it was impossible for him to let it go.
The boy’s name seemed to roll off his tongue like honey. Armin Arlert. There was a smoothness to the vowels and a gentleness to the consonants, almost song-like in their repetition. Nothing like Erwin Smith which was sharp, resolute, to the point. Just like he was. Armin’s name was traditional, yet it suited the child well. There was something youthful about it. Playful, almost.
The notes about Armin weren't exactly detailed, but they told Erwin everything he needed to know. He was fifteen years old, the youngest possible age for a cadet to graduate from training. He originally came from Shiganshina; he had been one of the refugees who escaped the day Wall Maria was breached (this information fascinated Erwin but he could delve into that more if he got the chance). Despite his physical weakness, Shadis had awarded Armin an A+ grade overall, a tribute to the superior intelligence he displayed in the classroom. He was nowhere near placing in the top ten since they predominantly took combat skills into account for that. Erwin was thankful - it would have been a great shame, a loss for humanity, if Armin had decided to join the comfortable life of the Military Police. Though Erwin doubted the thought had even crossed the boy’s mind. He didn’t seem like the type to crave the hedonistic comforts of the Interior.
Based on appearance alone, it was difficult to imagine Armin was a soldier. He seemed to be a late bloomer compared to his other male comrades. With his short stature and boyish looks he could pass for a few years younger than his real age. His small button nose, sun-kissed with light brown freckles and dusted pink, gave the impression of innocence. He was like a fawn, honey-brown eyes shining with a childish curiosity to them. Cheeks still round with youth, skin soft. And then there were those rosebud lips which Armin would often brush his tongue over, a restless or nervous habit, leaving them glistening; they seemed to catch Erwin’s attention more than anything else.
Armin must have developed some muscle after the three years of rigorous training but even so he still appeared delicate, almost girlish in his physique. Slender and supple. The curves of his hips were gentle, barely noticeable, but there if you were looking. He always carried himself with poise despite the clumsiness Erwin had observed on several occasions, watching Armin almost stumbling over his own feet when walking a little too briskly. His overall demeanour was so reserved and polite. Armin would sit with his legs pressed neatly together, arms holding them in place, curling up into himself. Sometimes Erwin would catch him resting his chin atop his knees, eyelids fluttering with tiredness. He was still a child. In some ways mature beyond his years, from a life that had been too cruel to him too soon. But Erwin saw that he was a child. He didn’t know why that thought lingered in his mind so much.
There was so much devotion in Armin’s salute, how he pressed his fist firmly against his heart, unwavering loyalty. He always looked up at Erwin with admiration.
The slenderness of his thighs. The prettiness of his little hands. The way his lips parted slightly when he was deep in thought, head tilted to one side. During the first week after the new recruits had joined the Corps, these thoughts kept Erwin up at night.
*
“Armin Arlert?”
Armin looked up, startled. He was sat in the mess hall after eating dinner with his friends - Jean sat on one side of him, Reiner on the other, Connie and Bertolt sat opposite them. All of the girls had already retreated to their barracks. Mikasa had been gloomy recently, a little more irritable than usual, and Armin suspected it wasn’t just because she missed Eren. He never pried about it but he knew what it meant when she was in those kinds of moods. He had heard Ymir joke once that girls who spent a lot of time together tended to get that at the same time. Maybe that was why they all flocked together.
There was a soldier standing by the door, looking around, waiting for Armin to make himself known. He didn’t recognise the man but he must have been somewhat of a veteran within the Survey Corps, given his age.
Armin rose, placing his fist against his chest in a salute. “Yes, Sir?”
“Come with me."
He briskly made his way over to the officer, following his lead. As they were walking up the stairs, the man told him that Commander Erwin had requested to speak with him in private.
Armin felt his heart drop. That was the last thing he had expected. He started to feel anxious, wringing his hands together as he made his way out of the mess hall. What could the commander possibly want him for? He wondered whether it had anything to do with Eren. Or maybe he wanted to reprimand Armin for falling behind in training exercises… But why would Commander Erwin do that himself, instead of his Squad Leader?
Armin’s head was spinning with all these thoughts by the time he reached Erwin’s office, escorted by the same soldier who had summoned him. The man towered over him and it was a little intimidating. The soldier walked away now, leaving Armin alone. He took a deep breath. Then he knocked twice on the large wooden door. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence before he got any response.
“Enter,” Erwin’s voice came from the other side of the door.
Armin did, fumbling with the door handle. He closed it after he entered. The first thing he saw was Erwin sat at his desk, intently focused on his paperwork, writing quickly and elegantly with a fountain pen. He was dressed in only a crisp white shirt, first two buttons undone with his bolo tie hung loosely around his neck. Even so, Armin almost felt bare in his casual clothes, as if he was disrespecting the commander by not wearing his uniform.
He made his way over to stand in front of the desk, saluting sincerely. It seemed to take Erwin a moment to realise he was there. When he did, he glanced up at Armin and his expression softened into a slight smile.
“At ease,” he instructed. Armin stopped saluting and held his hands behind his back instead, twiddling his fingers.
“You wanted to see me, Commander?”
“Yes,” Erwin responded, calm and collected as always, “Have a seat.”
Erwin gestured to a wooden chair that was propped up against the wall. Hesitating a little, Armin went to retrieve the chair and moved it so it was in front of the desk, sitting down there. His heart was racing a little, from the proximity and the fact it was just the two of them together. He had admired Commander Erwin from afar for a long time and he didn’t necessarily feel worthy of being in his presence like this. He was nobody important, just another recruit. Erwin Smith was a hero.
“Squad Leader Ness tells me you’re showing great initiative in the classroom,” Erwin remarked. Armin looked down, bashful, feeling heat rising to his cheeks. “How are you finding the long range formation so far?”
“Oh, I…” Armin began, still fidgeting with his hands and now chewing on his bottom lip nervously. He looked up at the commander again but couldn’t quite meet his gaze, feeling those icy blue eyes on him. “I already have it memorised, Sir.”
Truthfully, Armin had it memorised it by the end of their first day when everyone else had been struggling to grasp it at all, but he didn’t want to sound full of himself. He just seemed to pick up on things like that much quicker than his other friends from the 104th did. He was skilled at understanding both the most minor, seemingly insignificant details and much broader strategical choices.
“That’s good, but that wasn’t what I meant. What do you think about the formation itself? Is there anything you would change?”
Armin blinked, confused. He looked up at Erwin again as if to confirm what he had just heard. He couldn’t believe the commander was asking him, a mere recruit who had only been with the Survey Corps for a week, questions like that.
“What do you mean, Sir?” Armin asked, unable to comprehend it, “What do I think of the formation?”
“Yes, that’s what I asked, Armin,” Erwin said, unfazed.
There was something strangely familiar in how the commander addressed Armin by his first name. To all the other senior officers he was always Arlert, the same way Mikasa was Ackerman and Jean was Kirschtein. It made him feel flustered and he wasn’t sure why.
“I…” Armin swallowed and hesitated a little, considering his words carefully. He didn’t want to offend Erwin in any way by criticising his strategical choices. “I think the formation is secure the way it is, though…”
“Go on,” Erwin encouraged him.
“We haven’t been told where Squad Levi will be. I think a lot of the choices we make will depend on knowing that fact, since it’s important they’re kept away from titans. Especially out in the open where we won’t be able to use our gear much.”
Erwin hummed thoughtfully, considering it. “You’re right, but I don’t intend to reveal where the Special Operations Squad will be situated until right before the expedition,” he told Armin, “As of now only Captain Levi and some other elite soldiers have that information.”
“Is that because you don’t trust the others with it?” Armin questioned out of innocent curiosity.
“You’re an intelligent boy, Armin,” said Erwin, not answering directly but Armin understood the subtext behind it, “I respect the fact that you can think for yourself rather than blindly following orders.”
Armin felt embarrassed by Erwin’s words, and he was sure he was blushing. It was flattering to receive praise like that from someone as revered as Commander Erwin Smith.
“Well…” Armin said, “I’d always follow your orders, Sir, even if I had my own concerns about them. Even if it meant I…” He paused, took a breath. “I dedicated my heart to the Survey Corps. In life and death.”
“Very good. Now, this conversation stays between us, Armin. I wouldn’t want the other recruits to get the wrong idea. I simply wanted to hear your thoughts. You proved at Trost that you have the makings of a great strategist.”
Armin wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Thank you, Sir…”
“You may leave now, I know it's late.”
“Yes, Sir.”
Armin nodded and gave Erwin one last salute, showing his respect and devotion. Then he hurried out of the office and back up to the boys’ dorm, his heart thumping in his chest a little, still trying to get his head around what had just happened. It didn’t even seem like Erwin had any important reason for summoning him except wanting to hear his opinion, which confused him even more.
“Where’ve you been?” Reiner questioned him when he got back.
“Oh, I went to see Eren,” Armin lied, remembering Erwin’s request to keep their encounter quiet, “They said it was fine if I had some time with him.”
Reiner raised one eyebrow, whether curious or suspicious Armin couldn’t tell. He said nothing else after that.
*
Two days later, Erwin called Armin into his office again.
He knew he needed to be careful. Other adult soldiers would start to question Erwin’s intentions if they realised Armin was spending so much time alone with the commander. But Erwin had accounted for that. He would tell them he was taking Armin under his wing as his protégé, acting as a mentor figure for him. None of that was a lie. Erwin wanted to help Armin develop his tactical skills, build his confidence, mould him into a formidable strategist. He knew he would be capable of it. Erwin’s intuitions were hardly ever wrong.
Since it was just after dinner, Armin was dressed in his casual clothes again. Erwin liked that. He enjoyed having Armin presented to him as an ordinary young boy, not a soldier. He always wore well-fitting brown trousers that perfectly clung to his slender thighs and accentuated the roundness of other areas. Armin’s shirts seemed to fit him perfectly too. Usually white or cream, sometimes a shade of blue. Always neatly tucked in. He had a couple of different jackets he wore in the evenings when it was cooler - one light grey and one brown. Erwin had committed all of his outfits to memory by now, observing him from afar.
“Commander,” Armin greeted him, fist against his chest in a salute, “You wanted to see me again?”
“I did,” Erwin replied, “Come, sit.”
This time the chair was already positioned in front of his desk. Armin hurried over to take his seat. The boy seemed slightly less anxious to be in his presence this time around, though he was still tentative in his movements and appeared rather restless, maybe a little giddy. That was endearing.
“Do you play, Armin?” Erwin asked. He gestured to the chessboard on his desk.
He couldn’t help noticing how Armin smiled, almost overly eager in a way that made Erwin’s lips twitch into a satisfied smirk.
“I do,” Armin told him, “I used to play with my friends Reiner and Bertolt a lot during our cadet days. They taught me the rules. I really like playing now.”
“That doesn’t surprise me,” Erwin remarked, “Chess is a tactician’s game. Fitting for a boy of your talents.”
Armin blushed at that and averted his eyes, flustered, still so unsure of his own capabilities. Erwin liked that. It meant Armin would be more malleable for him, easier to change him into whatever he desired. As Armin was looking down at his hands in his lap, Erwin admired how pretty his long, golden eyelashes were.
“I don’t know about that, Sir,” Armin replied, “All of that at Trost… I was taking a gamble, really. I had no idea how it would play out. If things had been even slightly different we might all be dead right now.”
Erwin grinned, amused by those words. The boy reminded him of himself in a lot of ways. “Shall we play, Armin?”
He observed how Armin swallowed and wrung his hands together, as if trying to settle his nerves, before looking up to meet his gaze. “Yes Commander.”
The game ended in a decisive victory for Erwin, Armin’s pawns wiped out. But it still took Erwin twice as many turns as it usually did even against a skilled opponent. And at one point Armin had been a few moves away from capturing his king. If it wasn’t for Erwin always being several steps ahead, Armin might have been able to put him in check.
“You played well,” Erwin praised.
Armin smiled softly, bashful. “Thank you, Sir, but I didn’t stand a chance against you.”
“You had more of a chance than you give yourself credit for. I hardly ever play chess anymore, do you know why?”
“Um…” Armin contemplated it, running his thumb across his bottom lip, “I suppose because you’re too busy? You have more important things to worry about.”
“That’s true,” Erwin responded, “But that’s not the reason. It’s because it bores me to play against opponents I know could never beat me. It’s different with you, Armin. You kept me on my toes. I have no doubt that if we continue playing together you’ll be able to back me into a corner eventually.”
“I… I don’t know what to say, Sir.”
Armin was clearly a little overwhelmed by all the praise Erwin had been giving him. It wasn’t all that surprising - up until a fortnight or so ago, he had just been one cadet of hundreds in the Training Corps. One who was rather lacking in his combat abilities compared to his comrades, too. Erwin needed to help him develop his confidence. He needed Armin to realise how special he was.
Erwin wanted Armin to feel special in other ways, too. He had been trying to repress those feelings, focus on his duties as commander and not give in to such primal desires, but he realised his heart was set on it now.
“Come to my office again tomorrow evening,” Erwin instructed, “I’d like to play another game with you.”
*
Later that night, Levi joined Erwin in his chambers.
It had been a while since they’d been together like this. Both of them had more important matters to concern themselves with. Erwin was busy preparing for the upcoming expedition, all too aware of the knowledge that there was mostly likely a soldier within their ranks who was working against them. Levi himself was occupied with the experiments involving Eren Jaeger, keeping him and the rest of his squad in line.
Erwin had missed this. He missed Levi’s much smaller body pinned down under his own, and roughly pulling his dark hair as Levi moaned and whined beneath him. He had missed Levi’s fingernails digging into his back as Erwin thrust forcefully in and out of him. He had missed the feeling of Levi around his cock - given the size difference between them, Levi was still rather tight for him even after all the times Erwin had fucked him, on the bed or over his desk. It was always Erwin fucking Levi, never the other way around. Neither of them had even considered that as an option.
It was savage and animalistic, both of them letting carnal urges overtake their bodies. But for Erwin, it felt different from the last time they had done this. As he fucked Levi into the mattress he couldn’t help how his mind wandered to Armin.
Perhaps there was a reason Erwin had always been so attracted to Levi physically. When they first met, Erwin had been drawn to his short stature and lithe physique, both no doubt arising from a lifetime of poverty in the Underground. Over the years Levi had put on more muscle, bulking up in a way Erwin didn’t particularly approve of. But Levi was humanity’s strongest soldier, and he wasn’t a child. He never had been. Even when they first met and he could have been mistaken for a boy, even with Erwin as his superior officer, Levi had always been his equal.
Armin was different. Armin was all childish youth and chaste innocence. Levi hadn’t been particularly experienced in these matters at first either, but he had been old enough (and had grown up in the right environment) to understand them. Levi had been aware of sex since he was a child, seeing strange men with his mother, leaving her covered in marks and bruises. It had just been a part of life for him. Erwin was convinced that even now, even being so clever, Armin was still probably unsure the ins and outs of it.
He found himself wondering just how innocent Armin actually was. He certainly looked it. But he was fifteen, and fifteen-year-old boys had certain needs regardless of whether they understood them or not. It was quite obvious Armin was still untouched by anyone else, but Erwin wondered whether he ever touched himself. He imagined Armin in the men’s barracks, stroking himself under his bedsheets, one hand clasped over his mouth to make sure he didn’t disturb anyone. He imagined how Armin’s face would be flushed red, the sweet mewls and whimpers he would make, how his little body would tremble.
Those thoughts were what brought Erwin to his climax, filling Levi up with a long, euphoric sigh. Armin’s name on his lips, unsaid. Once they were both finished and had spent a while laying together, sweating and panting in the dizzying haze of it all, Levi tutted and complained about how disgusting he felt.
*
It became almost a routine for Armin to visit Erwin’s office most evenings.
The boy didn’t mind at all. From what Erwin could tell, he seemed rather lonely and appreciated any kind of interaction. It made sense considering Eren was being kept on such tight reins at the moment, locked in the cellar at night as a precautionary measure, always under the watchful eyes of Levi and his squad.
Sometimes they would play chess - Erwin would always win but Armin was a fast learner, adapting on the fly and using knowledge of their previous games to help him. Sometimes Erwin would allow Armin to sit in his armchair and read a book, while Erwin himself would be busy with paperwork. Finalising preparations for the expedition, going over expenses reports, other administrative duties of all kinds.
Sometimes Erwin would let Armin look over his plans and schematics, purposefully positioning them both in such a way that Armin was leaning over the desk, Erwin towering behind. That way he could admire the curves of his body without raising any suspicion.
During these few weeks, Erwin worked hard to build a sense of mutual respect and trust between them. That wasn’t difficult. He could tell from the way Armin looked at him with so much admiration in his eyes… Armin already adored him even after such a short time in the Survey Corps. Erwin was a hero to him. He could read Armin like an open book. Deep down he seemed so eager for approval, so drawn to Erwin’s authority. He was perfect.
One evening, about a week prior to the expedition, Armin stayed later than usual. He was preoccupied reading one of Erwin's books, comfortable enough just to be in his commander’s presence now. Erwin would glance up from his paperwork at regular intervals and observe him, watching how his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, how he was nibbling at his bottom lip with pearly white teeth, how his eyelashes would flutter shut and his head would drop as he struggled to stay awake.
The sight of all that shouldn’t have aroused Erwin so much, but it did. He’d wanted to get his hands on Armin for weeks at this point but he knew he couldn’t rush it. So far there had only been light touches, enough to fluster Armin but not enough to scare him. Sometimes Erwin would lightly brush his fingers atop of Armin’s own, or place a strong hand on his back or shoulder. Erwin knew he had to take this slow to ensure he would have Armin in the position he wanted - he didn’t want his submission to come from fear. He wanted Armin to do everything out of unwavering devotion and complete trust. He wanted Armin to be confused by his feelings, letting Erwin help him work through them, allowing anything because of course his commander knew best. He wanted Armin addicted to his approval, his touches, his praise.
Still, it was almost painful to wait so much. Especially given that the expedition was coming up and there was no guarantee Armin would even make it back alive. In terms of his physical ability, it seemed less than probable. Those thoughts stirred something inside him.
When Erwin looked up from his desk again, he realised Armin was finally sleeping.
The boy was curled up in the armchair, looking even smaller and more fragile than he usually did. One of his hands was against his chest as if he was protecting himself, the other pressed to his lips. Erwin noticed how he was gently sucking on his fingers. He just looked so delicate like that, so young. The sight made Erwin’s already hard cock twitch. Like this, Armin could really be mistaken for a child if imagination allowed, if that was what one desired.
Erwin rose from his desk, careful not to disturb Armin in any way. He made his way over to the armchair and took off his jacket, draping it over Armin’s sleeping body, engulfing him in it. Armin moved around a bit and let out some quiet little noises that went straight to Erwin’s cock, straining against his trousers.
Erwin knelt down beside him and gently stroked his hair, brushing it out of his face. Armin looked so peaceful like this. Though there was a crease in his brow as if something was bothering him and he couldn’t seem to stay still, constantly shifting. He must have only been sleeping lightly because he started to stir, eyes still closed.
“Grandpa?” Armin murmured, dazed. Perhaps he had been thinking about his grandfather as he started to doze off. Erwin didn’t know much about his family situation, but from what little they had discussed of it he knew Armin’s grandfather had meant a great deal to him, that he had been his sole caregiver after his parents died.
Erwin continued stroking his hair. “Shh, no. It’s Papa.”
He wasn’t sure why he said that - maybe to soothe Armin back to sleep, maybe because the thought of it excited him in some way.
“Papa…”
Armin seemed to relax into Erwin’s touches, finding comfort in them. He didn’t protest when Erwin rubbed his thumb gently against his cheek or over his lips. In fact, he started to try to suck on Erwin’s thumb instead of his own fingers, some kind of childish behaviour he had developed to soothe himself. It made sense given the horrors he had been through in his short life. Erwin allowed it - but the sensation of Armin sucking his thumb, feeling the pressure of his little tongue against his skin, was almost unbearable.
He wanted Armin sucking on his cock like this. And some primal, fierce part of Erwin wanted to shove his cock down Armin’s throat, watch him splutter and gag and cry around it, barely able to take the length.
Levi was right - he was a perverted man.
He allowed Armin to settle back to sleep after that, returning to sit at his desk. Instead of doing any work he quietly jerked himself off to the sight of the boy sleeping in front of him.
*
Erwin didn’t see Armin again until the night before the expedition.
Armin was bashful, nervous. From his perspective he had woken to find himself alone in his commander’s office, after spending the night asleep in his armchair. That had to cause some embarrassment. Erwin wasn’t sure if he could recall anything else that had happened that night - he had been so tired, his mind surely too hazy to remember it. If he did remember it, he had probably convinced himself it was a dream.
“So… Eren will be in the upper right flank?” Armin questioned, twiddling with his thumbs.
“Correct.”
“Wouldn’t it…” Armin hesitated, unsure of himself, “Wouldn’t near the centre of the formation be the safest position?”
“Are you questioning my judgement?”
Erwin realised his tone sounded harsher than he intended it to. He always felt a bit irritable the day before an expedition - though usually he suppressed it, never let it show to anyone except perhaps Levi. And now Armin.
“No! I didn't mean...” Armin fumbled to save himself, clearly rather panicked, “Forgive me, Commander.”
Erwin sighed tiredly, rubbing his temples with his fingers. He was starting to get a headache. “It’s fine, Arlert. You just need to place more trust in me. I don’t make any decision without a good reason.”
Armin stared at him intently for a moment, deep in thought. “I do trust you,” he said earnestly. Then he gulped and lowered his head sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”
“What exactly are you apologising for”
“I… You called me Arlert. You never call me Arlert when it’s just the two of us, so… I presume that I’ve offended you in some way.”
That took Erwin off guard a little. The corners of his lips twitched into a smile, realising that these weeks of gradually developing a bond between them were paying off, that he was toying with Armin’s mind without the boy ever questioning it. Erwin was satisfied in the knowledge that he could have this effect on him so effortlessly.
“I’m not offended,” Erwin assured him, his voice softer now, “And I understand where your concerns come from. I know you’re worried about your friend. He clearly means a lot to you.”
Something about the glint in Armin’s eyes at the mention of Eren, the way he seemed to perk up and couldn’t stop himself smiling a little… It left Erwin with a bad taste in his mouth. His eye twitched. He felt the same disdain as when he had overheard other soldiers talking about Levi in rather vulgar ways.
Jealousy, that’s what it was.
“He does mean a lot to me,” Armin confessed, “He’s been my best friend since we were kids, so…”
The rest of the words remained unspoken, but Erwin had the brief thought that whatever they were, he wanted to fuck them out of Armin. To take his breath away, take any thoughts or Eren away, thoughts of anyone else. He clenched his jaw. He wasn’t sure what came over him all of a sudden, why he felt such a strong wave of possessiveness.
“Well, Eren’s not a child anymore. Neither are you.”
In reality, he saw Armin as nothing but a child. He had a brilliant mind, and in some ways he was much more mature than others his age, but he was still so painfully childlike in his nature and appearance. Despite how intelligent and perceptive Armin was, he was still somewhat naïve. He had so much faith in and respect for his superiors that Erwin was sure he could get him to do anything, eventually.
“I know it’s selfish for me to worry about Eren when there are so many other people’s lives at stake,” Armin said, “But I can’t help it. I’m scared of losing him.”
There was something so sweet about that admission. Whenever Armin confided something personal in Erwin that, so youthful in his vulnerability and openness, it made Erwin think of things he would never dare to confess aloud.
“Don’t worry about Eren. The only threat to Eren’s life is himself, if he goes out of control. In which case Levi and his squad will respond accordingly.”
Armin frowned at those words and nodded, understanding but not wanting to accept them.
“Armin,” said Erwin, “There’s something I need you to do for me.”
Once again, Armin’s eyes seemed to light up. Always so eager to be a good soldier. “Yes, Sir?”
“Come here and take a look at this for me.”
For once, Erwin wasn’t quite sure what he was planning to do. He had been stressed out over the looming expedition all day. On top of that he was now having to grapple with the idea of Armin dying out beyond Wall Rose, of never getting his hands on him. He simply couldn’t accept that.
Obediently, Armin hurried over to position himself to stand next to where Erwin was sat, learning over to get a closer look at the papers that were spread out on the desk. With a sigh, Erwin let his hand rest on Armin’s back, a little lower than usual. Armin didn’t protest or make a fuss out of it. His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, studying all the diagrams and maps in front of him.
“What exactly do you want me to look at, Sir?” Armin asked, “I’ve seen all of these before.”
“Just focus for me, Armin,” Erwin said. He let his hand slide down slowly, over the waistband of Armin’s beige trousers, down further. He felt Armin’s body tense and noticed how his breaths were starting to come in quicker, but otherwise he remained completely still. “Point to Karanes for me.”
The instruction was pointless. Of course Armin knew where Karanes was. This boy had almost an encyclopaedic knowledge of all the regions within the Walls, and Karanes was one of the major districts. They would be setting off from there tomorrow morning, none of them knowing who would return.
With a shaking hand, Armin pointed to Karanes on the map. Erwin gently squeezed one of his buttocks through his trousers. Softer and plumper to the touch than he had even imagined.
Armin took a few quivering breaths, audibly nervous but still remaining quiet, not daring to speak.
“Good boy,” Erwin praised, “Trost, now.”
The only purpose of this little exercise was to keep Armin subservient, focused on something other than Erwin’s hand exploring him. Even the least intelligent of recruits wouldn’t have any issue with a task like this.
“Here,” he said, voice barely more than a whisper, cracking slightly. He almost sounded like he was going to cry. “Here, Sir.”
“Good. Shiganshina.”
Erwin could feel Armin’s body trembling against his touches. He slid his hand down further, slightly between his thighs, just caressing him a bit there. He didn’t touch him more intimately than that but for now it was enough to satiate the desires that had been building with him. Just touching Armin like this alone set a fire ablaze within him. Not so much the touch itself (he wished there wasn’t the barrier of fabric between his hand and Armin’s skin), but more how compliant Armin was being, how he allowed it without question.
After Armin pointed out Shiganshina, Erwin removed his hand and cleared his throat, rising from his chair. He looked down at Armin who was still staring vacantly at the map, eyes wide and glossed over with tears, bottom lip trembling as he chewed on it anxiously. He was understandably confused.
“You should go and get some sleep,” Erwin instructed, “We have a long day tomorrow.”
Armin nodded slowly.
Before he left, Erwin cupped his chin gently with one hand and tilted his face up, using the other to brush some hair out of his face which allowed him to place a soft kiss to his forehead.
“Sleep well, Armin.”
*
Armin struggled to get to sleep the night before the expedition, tossing and turning in his bunk. He curled up into himself for comfort. He felt so unbearably worried about what would happen tomorrow, knowing first-hand how inevitable death was (he still had nightmares about Eren’s ‘death’ in Trost) and that he would be separated from his friends the whole time. He would have no way of knowing whether they were alright. Mikasa would be alright, definitely. Eren was another story. There was no predicting what could happen. And then there were all of Armin’s other friends from the 104th, and Commander Erwin himself.
The events of that evening were another reason Armin found he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t comprehend what had happened - he was still trying to find some kind of logic or reason in it. The way Erwin had touched him, kissed him. Armin didn’t understand. They had certainly grown quite close this past month but he couldn’t fathom that Erwin saw him as anything more than his subordinate. It made no sense for Erwin to take an interest in him like that. Why him? There was nothing special about Armin at all. Some of his fellow cadets used to tease him for how young and feminine he looked, how he was so much later to develop than the rest of the boys. He must be reading too much into it. If Erwin was interested in anyone, it would have to be some beautiful and elegant woman, not some plain-looking and scrawny young soldier like Armin. A male soldier.
By the time morning came and they were all preparing for the day ahead of them, Armin didn’t have time to think about such things. He pushed those thoughts and feelings down and focused on the mission at hand.
*
Armin knew it was Annie instinctively; the feeling in his gut had told him that, even if he didn’t have any solid evidence. There was no other explanation. The Female Titan’s appearance closely matched Annie’s own. She had pulled down his hood, recognised Armin and spared his life not once but twice. She reacted to the nickname for Eren that only members of the 104th would know. Then there was the ODM gear. Annie had Marco’s gear. Marco was dead. At the time, Armin hadn’t been able to find an explanation for that, or perhaps he just didn’t want to think too much into it. He had looked up to Annie during their training days - he had developed some kind of admiration and affection for her despite how cold and detached she could seem, maybe even saw her as a friend.
Armin shared this information with Erwin as soon as he possibly could.
Mikasa believed him straight away (she always seemed to believe Armin without hesitation). Jean seemed taken aback and a little unsettled at the mention of Marco’s stolen gear, but he soon admitted the theory made sense. Eren was the one who was harder to convince. He was in denial, not wanting to accept it.
During their meeting that night, discussing the plan for how they would capture the Female Titan and use Jean as a decoy for Eren, Erwin and Armin were both very calm and collected. Erwin played the role of a commander speaking with his subordinates, never showing any sign of anything more. Armin simply remained focused on contributing to the preparations for Stohess and suggesting his own ideas, reflecting on his knowledge of Annie’s disposition.
When Erwin summoned Armin to his room later on, the dynamic between them shifted entirely.
It was the first time Armin had ever been in Erwin’s bedroom. Only ever his office. He couldn’t help feeling like he was intruding on Erwin’s personal space, like he shouldn’t be here at all. The room was fairly spacious but quite barren. Just a large bed with white sheets against the back wall, a simple table with two chairs tucked underneath, a few dusty bookshelves, an upright wardrobe.
“Take a seat,” Erwin instructed, gesturing to the table and chairs.
Armin pulled out one of the chairs, sitting down rather hesitantly. He pressed his legs together and rested his hands on his lap politely, fingers entwined, back straight.
“There’s no need to be so formal,” Erwin said, coming to sit opposite him, “It’s just us now, Armin. You can relax. Would you like a drink?”
Armin considered it for a moment. The only drink Erwin could be referring to was the bottle on the table in front of them, two glasses either side, which was definitely some kind of alcohol.
“Oh,” Armin said, heart thumping in his chest a little. He felt so uncertain and unsure of himself. He hadn’t been alone with Erwin since the last time, the night before the expedition. “Um, I don’t know, I’ve never really drank anything before. Aren’t I too young for that?”
Erwin smiled gently. “You’re not a child,” he reminded Armin, as he had the last time they were together, “You can drink.”
Armin nodded, and Erwin began to pour them both a glass. The liquid was a light brown colour and had a strong smell. Armin wasn’t sure what to call it. The only alcohol he was really used to smelling was ale and cheap wine - hardly anyone in Shiganshina had been able to afford anything else, and certainly not his own family. Sometimes Hannes seemed to be drinking something more potent, but again Armin was never sure what it was.
“Here,” Erwin said, placing the full glass down in front of him.
“Thank you,” said Armin.
He raised the glass to his lips, inspected the smell further. Whatever this drink was, it was strong. He took a tentative first sip, then another. He relaxed a little when he realised the taste wasn’t so bad. It just left a bit of a burn in his throat, but he wasn’t unpleasant.
Erwin seemed to be studying him, his head cocked slightly to one side. “I’m surprised,” he remarked, “Most boys your age have trouble holding down liquor at first. But you’re not like other boys your age, are you?”
Armin felt his cheeks flushing. He looked down at the table, embarrassed. He wasn’t really sure what to make of that comment.
“I think it might be because I used to get sick a lot,” Armin said, “Eren’s father - Doctor Jaeger - always gave me these horrible tasting medicines. Much worse than this. So I suppose I’m used to it.”
“Good,” Erwin said, taking a sip of his own drink. Armin copied, gulping down more this time. “Don’t drink it too fast, Armin. You might be able to handle the taste but it’s strong stuff. Your body isn’t accustomed to it yet.”
Armin placed the glass back down again, nodding in understanding. “You’re right, Sir. Sorry.”
“There’s no need to apologise. Now, about this Annie Leonhart. Was she a close friend of yours?”
Armin felt a little taken off guard by the question. Up until now, Erwin had only asked questions which were strategically relevant to ensuring they could capture the Female Titan or work out her intentions. Nothing this personal.
He hesitated to answer. He hadn’t been particularly close to Annie - he wasn’t sure he could even call her a friend at all.
“She always seemed… reclusive,” Armin answered, “She never really seemed to get close to anyone. I think a lot of people were afraid of her. But… Personally I thought she seemed to be a nice person, even if she came across as unfriendly. I remember once I cut myself peeling potatoes and she helped me with the bandages.”
Erwin raised one of his eyebrows quizzically. “Did you perhaps have any other feelings for her?”
Armin blinked, not sure he had understood the question correctly. “Do you mean…” he began, then stopped himself. Surely not.
“Were you attracted to her? Did you think she was pretty?”
Armin could tell he was blushing quite profusely now, and he stumbled over his words. “Well, I… I suppose, yes, she’s pretty, but… I never… I didn’t think of her in that way. I’ve never really thought about any girl in that way before.”
“What about any boys?” Erwin continued questioning him, so casually that Armin spluttered a little as he was taking another sip of his drink.
Armin gulped the rest down, looking up to meet Erwin’s gaze. His eyes seemed so intense. It was a little intimidating.
“You mean… liking other boys?” Armin tested the waters, “In that way?”
Erwin simply nodded. Not elaborating any further, just prompting Armin to keep going.
“Um, I… That’s… I didn’t think that was normal.”
“It depends how you define normal,” Erwin told him calmly, “It’s true that most men only desire women. But there are many who are interested in other things.”
“In other men, you mean?” Armin queried.
“Or boys,” Erwin disclosed, “Some men are interested in boys. Younger boys.”
Armin felt hot and flustered, his skin prickling uncomfortably. Whether it was from Erwin’s words or the alcohol he couldn’t tell. Probably a combination both. Erwin seemed to have chosen his words deliberately, and Armin recognised the intent behind them. He couldn’t quite believe it, though. He swallowed and averted his gaze again, sitting quite awkwardly, one of his legs restlessly bouncing up and down. He didn’t know what to make of any of this. Since the expedition he had hardly had time to reflect on what had happened between them, how Erwin had touched him in ways no one else ever had. Even though they had been such light touches, it felt so personal and intimate, almost a violation. Armin still couldn’t decide how he felt about it. A part of him had wanted Erwin’s attention, craving any kind of affection from him because he looked up to him so much. A role model. Almost a father figure. But another part of him had felt scared and wanted to run away.
“Commander,” he began. He took a deep breath through his nose, trying to find the courage. “Are you… Are you interested in boys?”
“Some of them,” said Erwin. His voice seemed lower now, almost a threatening tone to it.
“Are you interested… in me?”
Erwin didn’t respond for a moment, leaving a silence lingering in the air that made Armin feel so jittery and nervous. It was unbearable. He worried he had overstepped, that he’d made some grave mistake and Erwin was going to hate him for it. That Erwin would find him stupid for presuming such a thing. Then he finally spoke.
“Yes.”
Armin looked up at him with wide eyes. For a long moment Erwin just stared back at him, his expression unreadable, sipping on his drink.
“How does that make you feel?” Erwin questioned him.
Armin’s brow furrowed in contemplation. “I don’t know,” he admitted, “I don’t… I didn’t realise.”
“I think you did. You wouldn’t have asked otherwise.”
“But… I don’t really understand this. You’re interested in me… What does that mean, exactly?”
In most cases, Armin was exceptionally inquisitive. He wanted to know everything about anything. But he had a tendency to shy away from more mature matters. When the other boy cadets had been speaking in whispers about girls, the kinds of things they wanted to do with them, Armin always felt awkward and uncomfortable. He focused on reading his books instead and tried not to pay attention to what they were discussing. He found it all confusing. He had a vague idea of these things, but he didn’t really understand the workings of them.
It was even more confusing considering that they were both male. Armin would be lying if he said he had never imagined doing things with boys that went beyond friendship. He had felt his heart fluttering many times when Eren held his hand, or when Jean smirked at him and ruffled his hair. Since about the age of twelve he had imagined what it would be like to kiss Eren’s lips. Would they be soft or rough? Would Eren want to kiss him back? Just the youthful fantasies of a boy starting to explore his appreciation for other boys.
Armin had these thoughts racing through his mind now, trying to piece this all together. He always tried to view things in a rational way even when his emotions were getting the better of him, making it harder to see things clearly. If Erwin was interested in him, did that mean he wanted to kiss him? He had already kissed Armin’s forehead. Did he want to kiss his lips too?
“I’ll show you,” Erwin responded to his question, bringing Armin out of his thoughts, “If you’ll allow me, I’ll show you what that means.”
Armin bit his lip, not sure what to say.
“I think you’re special, Armin,” Erwin carried on, “You’re not like other boys your age. You’re smart. I see myself in you, in a lot of ways. So I’ve developed a certain fondness for you.”
“I… Thank you, Sir.”
Armin felt flattered, embarrassed, a little overwhelmed by all of this.
From under the table, he felt Erwin’s large hand resting on his knee, stroking him gently there. The touch burned in much the same way the alcohol had burned going down Armin’s throat. Armin lifted the glass to his lips again and finished it, until the last drop. He was starting to feel a bit dizzy and unsteady, the drink numbing his feelings a little, making everything seem blurry.
“How do you feel about me, Armin?” Erwin inquired, “Do you enjoy our evenings together?”
“Um… Yes… I always enjoy spending time with you. I admire you a lot, Commander.”
“Have you ever thought about me kissing you”
“No,” Armin replied a little too quickly. Then he corrected himself. “I mean, not… Not until now.”
“Do you want me to kiss you?”
All of these questions were making Armin’s head spin. He didn’t know what he wanted. It felt easier just to say yes, to give the answer Erwin clearly wanted to elicit from him whether or not he really meant it. He could just let Erwin take the lead like he always did and then Armin wouldn’t have to think about it. He wouldn’t have to be so confused.
“Yes,” he said, unsure whether he believed himself.
“Good,” Erwin said, “That’s very good.”