Chapter Text
“Are you going to come to bed soon, Ash?”
This simple question made Ash fill at once with sweet longing, and guilt. He looked up from his laptop at Eiji, whose hair was still a little damp from the bath; he wore a soft faded t-shirt, and worn pajama pants. Ash had seen him like this countless times, and every time it made him want to wrap his arms around Eiji and bury his face in Eiji’s neck. He knew Eiji would smell good, like soap, like fabric softener, like warmth, and coming home.
Ash didn’t have to feign his regret, “Sorry, this is still gonna take me a little while. You should sleep first.”
Eiji for his part didn’t try to hide his disappointment, and Ash felt a pang for being the cause of that expression. Still, Eiji smiled, clearly resigned, “Okay, don’t stay up too late.”
“You’re so thoughtful, onii-chan.”
Eiji made a face at him, like Ash had hoped he would, and Ash laughed. Eiji lingered for a moment longer before he said goodnight, and went into their room. When he heard the door close behind Eiji, Ash let out a sigh. He leaned his head back, scrubbing his hands over his face, and closed his eyes. This was all messed up. Their life together should have been heaven, and it had been, it still mostly was, but Ash had fucked it up. He had broken their delicate balance, he had been stupid and greedy, and Eiji was clearly too kind to say anything about it. But he avoided touching Ash, he had trouble holding his gaze, and seemed to tense up around him now.
It shouldn’t have come to this, it wasn’t like they hadn’t lived together before, but this was different from New York. This was Ash starting over in Japan, it was Eiji insisting they share his bed, and save money for a bigger apartment instead of spending it on a couch or a futon for Ash.
The elation Ash had felt at Eiji making space for Ash in his life had made him rash, reckless, almost literally thoughtless. Eiji had let him cross one line after another, holding his hand, kissing him, but sex had clearly been too much. And, while Ash regretted the consequences, he couldn’t bring himself to regret the experience of Eiji hot, and crying out in his arms.
*
“Oh, you’re up. Good, breakfast is getting cold.” Eiji said by way of greeting, as Ash, eyes still half closed, made his way over to the table. He began eating without a word, his hair sticking up in all directions; it was perhaps Eiji’s favourite time to observe Ash. Ash often acted older than he was, at times overconfident, bossy, and sometimes everything he had been through darkening the circles under his eyes, but first thing in the morning Ash was different. Young and unguarded, Ash let Eiji take care of him like this, and Eiji wanted to be the one Ash shared breakfast with for the rest of his life.
Ash took a sip of his coffee, “It’s kind of cold,” he complained, frowning at the mug.
“It would have been warmer if you got up when I told you to ten minutes ago,” Eiji replied, finishing his own breakfast. He got up and washed his dishes, resisting the urge to tease Ash about his morning habits. He already knew how it would be with them; he could see the subsequent joking argument take shape in his head. There was no way Eiji was going to be able to stop himself from flirting if that happened.
“How long will you be gone again?” Ash asked, after Eiji turned off the water.
Eiji turned back around to look at Ash. The younger man’s eyes were properly open now; alert, and his attention on Eiji made him want to hide his face. Eiji had to look away, gazing over at the calendar that hung on the opposite wall, which was much too far, and too small for him to read. “Five days, I’ll be back Friday evening.” Eiji’s work trip had been planned for over a month now, and he needed to leave soon if he was going to be on time.
He could see Ash nod in his periphery. He knew he wasn’t acting like himself, not since he and Ash had – Eiji could hardly think about it without getting flustered. It was ridiculous, he wasn’t a child anymore, but since that day he couldn’t remember what ‘acting like himself’ even was when he was around Ash.
Feeling his heart start to beat more quickly, Eiji pushed himself off from the sink where he had been leaning, and went over to their room, saying as he went, “I made some side dishes for a few days, they’re all in the fridge.” Inside the room, away from Ash’s gaze, he lightly slapped his own cheeks, and spoke more loudly. “Make sure you eat them before they go bad!”
“Yeah, yeah!”
Eiji smiled a little, stupidly fond of Ash’s lazy reply.
Washing up and changing took hardly any time, and Eiji came back out into the tiny kitchen again, suitcase and jacket in hand. In the time it had taken him to get ready, Ash had finished his food, made himself another cup of coffee, had put his glasses on, and sat reading at the table. Eiji loved seeing Ash with his glasses on. As much as he loved it, he also had a strong inexplicable desire to be the one to take them off Ash.
“Leaving?” Ash asked, looking up at him.
“Yeah,” Eiji said, letting his eyes slide over Ash and to the door.
He could hear Ash get up from the table, and Eiji made his way over to the entrance. He carefully put his shoes on, using an unnecessary amount of concentration to retie his laces. Finally, Eiji straightened up, and found he was unable to avoid looking at Ash.
His heart throbbed in his chest, and Eiji had to swallow once before he could speak again. “Try not to get lonely without me.”
Ash smiled at him, “I’ll try.”
They looked at each other for a long moment; Eiji was almost overwhelmed with how badly he wanted to hold Ash. He made himself look away, feeling his face start to get hot, and reached for the door. “I’ll see you later,” Eiji said, his voice unusually quiet.
“Yeah, see you later.”
Eiji went out the door before he could say or do anything dumb. In the elevator, Eiji leaned against one of the walls, and sighed heavily. He was the one who was going to be lonely without Ash.
An hour and a half later Eiji was stepping off a bus and into the hotel he was staying at with his coworkers. They had gone to a more rural and open area for this work retreat, taking advantage of the fact that they needed the nature shots anyway.
They were a group of five, Eiji being the newest and youngest hire. He had started working with the small company while still in school, and they had kept him on after he graduated. The company did a wide variety of work, Eiji mostly helped with promotional photo shoots, but they were often hired to scout filming sites. They would take photos, and videos of potential filming locations for production companies. So far Eiji hadn’t had to travel far from home, but the most senior members of the team were sometimes sent to big cities like Tokyo or Kyoto, a couple of them had even gone to Okinawa a few times.
For his part, Eiji was glad senior members did most of the travelling, this was the most time he would be spending away from Ash, and he was already getting home sick.
“Alright everyone, we’ll check in, and meet back here in twenty minutes. Be ready to go for a little hike.”
“Yes, sir,” they all chorused.
Eiji made his way to his room with Tanaka, and Arikawa. It was a standard Japanese style room, the room was just big enough for all three of them, and their futons were folded neatly in the corner. Tanaka-san and Arikawa-san argued good naturedly about who was going to sleep next to the door, then turned and suddenly appointed Eiji as the occupant of that spot. Eiji didn’t protest, just nodded, which made Tanaka-san ruffle his hair and say, “You can get annoyed with us, Eiji! Go on, tell Arikawa he’s being a jerk.”
Eiji didn’t tell Arikawa he was being a jerk, but he did laugh a little and say it was fine.
The leaves were starting to change colour, and while the foliage wasn’t yet what it would be in the full bloom of autumn, it was already beautiful. The air out here was crisper, and while the walking kept their small band warm, they were starting to feel the cold once they had been out a couple of hours.
“Make sure you take another from that angle, yes, that angle.”
“Yamamoto-san, it’s getting cold out here! Eiji-kun’s nose is bright red now, that’s child abuse!”
“I’m an adult!”
“Tell that to your face, Eiji-kun!”
“Koujiro-san, stop teasing Eiji-kun, and make sure you get me footage of the sun over those trees over there,” Yamamoto said patiently, speaking to them as he always did. As if they were all his unruly children, and they might as well be sometimes.
Yamamoto made his way over to Eiji and asked, discreetly, “Are you getting too cold, Eiji-kun?”
“No, Yamamoto-san,” Eiji replied truthfully. “I’m used to colder,” he added, thinking of New York in the winter.
His boss nodded, and they all went back to work, Koujiro moving on to pick fights with Tanaka, who always took the bait she laid out for him.
The time went by faster than anyone would have expected. Eiji made sure to message Ash every night, partly because he missed Ash, and partly because Eiji knew Ash would worry if he didn’t hear from often.
Despite the fact that Eiji was missing Ash, he found that he enjoyed the trip. He liked his coworkers, he loved the scenery they were surrounded by, and he liked the work. He was having fun.
Without really noticing it, Eiji was already planning a trip back with Ash. In his mind he could see the two of them passing time here. They would hike up this trail, they would take in those sights, they would this food, and they would experience it all together.
On the last night of the trip they gathered in one of party rooms for a drinking party. Despite Koujiro’s jokes that Eiji was still a child, he had been able to drink in Japan for years now, and they made sure his cup was never empty.
Eiji had started out with a sensible attitude toward his drinking when the night began. He didn’t want to be sick, he wanted to be able to think properly, and he needed to make sure he was hydrated. He was grown up now, and he couldn’t be letting his seniors take care of him even more than they already did.
His coworkers, however, had no regard at all for Eiji’s resolution.
At some point Eiji had gone from pleasantly buzzed to actually drunk. He wasn’t much of a drinker to begin with, and the fact that Koujiro was right there pouring sake into his cup with a steadier hand than she had any right to, certainly wasn’t helping.
“So,” Koujiro said, leaning over to Eiji from across the table they all sat around, “Who is this person you’re always messaging? Is it your lover? It is isn’t it, it has to be if you’re messaging them good morning and goodnight.”
Normally Eiji would be shy about the fact that they were asking about his personal life, about Ash, but at the moment he was confused. “How do you know I say good morning and good night?”
Koujiro glanced over at Tanaka and Arikawa, “Them, of course.”
Eiji frowned at his roommates, and then turned back to Koujiro. “I am messaging someone, I live with them. Their my favourite person,” Eiji added, smiling down at the table with fondness.
Over dramatic gasps and exclamations rang out around the table.
“Our little Eiji-kun!”
“No way this kid has a girlfriend before I do!”
“He’s co-habitating!” Arikawa said this last like it was a dirty word.
Eiji sipped water calmly, swaying slightly before catching himself.
“Kids these days sure are bold, huh?” Yamamoto said wistfully, “I didn’t move in with my wife until we were married.”
Koujiro waved this away; she shushed the room, and turned back to Eiji, “So, tell us about them! What’s it like to live with someone?” Koujiro paused and took a drink, “I had a boyfriend ask me to move in once, but he was cheating on me, so it didn’t happen. Asshole,” she added. “Anyway,” she said, “tell us.”
The whole room’s attention was on Eiji. Again, usually, he wouldn’t feel comfortable with that much keen attention on his love life, but right now, he found he wanted to talk about Ash.
“It’s – ” Eiji started, trying to find the proper way to describe how much he loved living with Ash again. “It’s the best.”
This confession was met with sighs and groans.
“He’s too pure, if it was anyone other than Eiji-kun, I would get mad at them.”
“You’re just jealous.”
“So what if I am?”
“Wait, wait,” Koujiro waved her hands to get silence from the room once more, “So, you two never fight? It’s all good all the time?”
Eiji opened his mouth to say, of course they never fought, and it was always good, and then paused. They almost never seriously fought, he didn’t count their bickering, but it hadn’t been all good lately.
“Well,” Eiji started, “There is – there is something we’re kind of fighting about? Maybe?”
Noise broke out again, and once more Koujiro had to rein everyone in, throwing bottle caps at Tanaka and Arikawa to get them to pay attention. She gestured for Eiji to explain what the issue was. “We all have experience here, we can help you!” She said, clearly engrossed.
That was true, they were all older than Eiji. Surely this group of people could help him. “It’s about – “ Eiji paused, feeling delayed warmth rush up his neck to his face. “We, ah, we haven’t been, ah, intimate lately.” Eiji’s face burned, and he threw back the rest of his sake and rushed on before he lost his nerve. “We have been in the past, but suddenly they’ve stopped – ah, touching me, and I – I’m just so conscious of them now. I don’t know if they want to – again. I don’t want to force them – I don’t know what to do, or how to be.”
This time there was a somber silence, and Eiji wished the room were noisy again.
Koujiro sat back, and Tanaka crossed his arms over his chest, and closed his eyes meditatively.
“That’s a tough one, kid.” Tanaka finally said. He opened his eyes and looked pensively at Eiji. “Were you bad at it? Was she satisfied?”
“Tanaka!” Yamamoto and Arikawa reprimanded.
Speaking around his embarrassment, Eiji answered honestly, “I don’t know. It was – it was my first – time.” Eiji got out awkwardly. He poured himself some more sake now, and took another drink, not meeting anyone’s eye.
“That’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Koujiro said, and Eiji could tell she wasn’t just saying it to be kind. “You’re young, it’s good that you didn’t rush into things when you weren’t ready, unlike others I know,” she said with a pointed look at Tanaka. He scowled at her, but didn’t say anything in his defense. “But, getting back to your issue, hmm.” Koujiro sipped her water thoughtfully, and said, “They’re still living with you, right? They wouldn’t do that if they hated you, maybe you just need to practice. Try making some moves, be romantic, and when the time comes, be honest, I’m sure your partner will understand.”
“Yeah,” Arikawa agreed nodding, “You could also give them a gift. Rings would be a really good idea, it would let them know you’re serious about it too.”
“You think so?” Eiji asked, voice small and earnest, swaying again.
He was just drunk enough to be uninhibited, and to feel like he was more sober than he actually was. Tomorrow, when he remembered this conversation, he would wonder if he would be able to start over at a new company, because how was he supposed to face his coworkers again after all this?
But, in the present, there was a chorus of encouragement, and Eiji smiled, feeling bolstered.
“I’m going to call them!” Eiji exclaimed, as the idea occurred to him. “Please excuse me.”
Eiji got up with some difficulty, and made his way to his room. Fortunately they weren’t out far enough into nature that he couldn’t make a call. Eiji, drunk and completely unaware of the time, took out his phone and called Ash at just after two in the morning.
Ash picked up before the phone could even ring twice. He sounded alert and said quickly, “Eiji? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
Eiji immediately felt a rush of warmth at hearing Ash’s voice next to his ear. They had all laid out their futons earlier, and Eiji lay back on his, feeling the room spin. He smiled, and closed his eyes. “Ash, hi.”
There was a pause, and then Ash spoke again, “Eiji, what’s going on?”
“Oh, we’re having a party, but I left to call you.”
Another pause, “Are you calling to tell me about your party?”
“Not really,” Eiji turned on his side, and maneuvered his way clumsily under the blanket. “I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“Eiji?”
“Mmm?”
“Have you been drinking?”
“Mhm.”
There was silence for a moment, and then Ash said, “Should I talk to you until you fall asleep?”
“Yes, I want to listen to your voice.”
Eiji closed his eyes, let Ash’s voice surround him like a warm embrace, and eventually drifted off.