Chapter Text
Part I:
look at this idiotic fool that you made me
__
Regulus had always known he was probably a bad person. The truth of the matter—the Black family madness, his DNA or simply growing up in the dark, whatever you wished to call it—was that Regulus wasn’t cut out to be much else.
So maybe, he wasn’t a good person, but goddamnit, Regulus Black wasn’t supposed to be a fool.
Yet here he was. A tragic, foolish, idiot. It was bad enough to be terrible, but terrible and dumb? What a curse. What a fucking joke.
And surely that’s what this was. God was laughing from above, his ancestors were cursing his name. Some form of karma had intervened to absolutely ruin Regulus Black’s life.
“Or maybe it’s the consequences of your own fucking action.”
Regulus swallowed. “Dorcas—”
“No,” she cut him off, holding up a hand. “No, I cannot be part of whatever this is,” she snapped. “I don’t want to hear your excuses. I know that you’ve been in love with him forever, I know he probably took advantage of you—”
“He didn’t!”
“—but that doesn’t change any of the things you did! Do you realize the position you’ve put me in, Regulus?”
“I didn’t mean for you to find out.”
“Oh,” she scoffed. “As if that makes it any better? So, what you just planned to let this keep going on forever? He’s married, Regulus! You’re a homewrecker!”
“H-he was going to leave her,” Regulus insisted, swallowing around the knot in his throat.
“No, he wasn’t! That’s what they always say.”
There was a silence following her words. Regulus suddenly felt terribly alone, despite the fact that Dorcas was standing not two feet away in his kitchen.
“I- he might,” Regulus choked out, but the statement sounded weak, even to his own ears.
Dorcas just looked at Regulus for a heavy moment. Her mouth was pressed into a thin line and she didn’t yell again. That was almost worse.
“You don’t believe that.” It wasn’t even a question.
“Dorcas—”
“If I found out that James was in London with you when he was supposed to be away on business… someone else will too. You’ll just keep lying, it’ll keep piling up. It’s only a matter of time before there’s another slip-up and then Sirius finds out or Lily… Lily, Regulus, your friend. Your friend whose husband you’ve been sleeping with.”
“I know,” Regulus whispered squeezing his eyes shut.
“Even if he did leave her, you’d lose everything.”
“I know.”
“You know… so you’re not an idiot, just an awful person?”
It felt final. The end. The first friend down as a consequence of his actions. Regulus wondered who was next.
He’d thought long and hard about what he might have left when it was over. Barty and Evan would stay. Pandora would probably take a long time to forgive him… but Regulus thought she might eventually. Dorcas was always a certain loss, she always was too good, too righteous to ever look at Regulus the same. Sirius felt as if he were already gone. And everyone else… they belonged to Sirius, to Lily or James… so that was it. Regulus had Barty and Evan… and maybe, eventually Pandora.
“It can’t have been worth it,” Dorcas said into the chasm between them, growing by the second. As Regulus met her gaze, her eyes were dark, intense. It felt as if she were trying to see inside of him, trying to figure out what could have possessed him to let it get this far.
Regulus knew what she wanted him to say. Simple, easy, two words— it wasn’t. It wasn’t worth it.
Except, when he opened his mouth, the words didn’t come out. At his inability to answer, Dorcas scoffed, taking a step back.
“You need to come clean.”
“Are you going to tell?”
Dorcas looked disgusted by the question, and she shook her head, her disappointment palpable.
“I am not the one who should be breaking this news to anyone,” she said, her voice tight.
“You mean you want me to do it.”
“You’re going to.” Regulus didn’t ask why she sounded so sure of it. Was that because it was a threat? Or did she believe Regulus might do the right thing?
She didn’t look at him now with the gaze of somebody who had faith in him.
With that, Dorcas turned. She left his flat, the door slamming behind her.
And Regulus?
He just sat there, stock still at the kitchen table. The exact spot he’d been in not twenty minutes earlier when Dorcas had begun to question why James Potter’s missing glasses were in Regulus’s flat.
One domino had fallen and then it was all crashing down. Dorcas was smart, and she knew Regulus. She’d seen the guilt written all over his face.
He didn’t wonder how he’d gotten into this mess. Regulus knew the answer to that.
“There you are! Cutting it a bit close, aren’t you?”
“I’m five minutes late,” Regulus muttered as Sirius pulled him into the house, letting the front door swing shut.
“Yeah, which is like… a hell has frozen over sort of event in Reggie world,” Sirius scoffed. His hand was still on Regulus’s arm and Sirius pulled him further into the house. It was warm and Regulus could smell dinner cooking.
“I got held up, it’s nearly the holidays,” Regulus grumbled. “You know how crazy the traffic is near my flat.”
“If you’d taken my advice and moved out of the city, that wouldn’t be a problem,” Sirius sighed dramatically before turning and yelling into the house: “Regulus is here!”
“Hey, Reg,” Remus greeted as they entered the living room. He shot Regulus a smile and Sirius an exasperated look.
“Regulus is here!” Sirius repeated again, excitedly.
“Yes, Sirius, we’ve established that, no need to shout,” Remus rolled his eyes, but it was tinged with fondness.
Sirius pulled Regulus to the sofa, forcing him to sit.
“Uncle Reggie!”
Regulus smiled faintly as Harry suddenly appeared from around the corner, hoisting himself onto the sofa and then Regulus’s lap. Lily held back a laugh from the other side of the sofa as Harry nearly elbowed Regulus in the face in the process.
“Harry, sweetie, be gentle with Uncle Regulus. You don’t want to hurt him,” she told the little boy.
Harry, safely in Regulus’s lap just grinned proudly. Regulus shook his head; Harry was getting a little too big to be climbing all over him like that. Still, he couldn’t help but poke the little boy affectionately on the cheek.
“You’re a violent one, Harry.”
“Fred hit Ron with a rock,” Harry said suddenly.
“Did he? That’s not good.”
Harry nodded. “Ron cried and his mum grounded Fred. I told Ron I’d never hit him with a rock.”
“I would hope not. You shouldn’t hurt your friends,” Regulus told the boy.
“Or anybody,” Lily piped up, because knowing Harry he would decide this meant it was okay to hit people that weren’t his friends.
Harry paused for a moment, thinking this over before nodding. “Can we play checkers tonight?” he asked Regulus.
“We can see about it after dinner.”
“I’ve gotten really good!” Harry insisted. “I’ll beat you.”
“We’ll see.”
“I’ll beat you,” Harry repeated firmly. He paused. “I’m gonna tell Uncle Pete. He knows I’ve been practicing,” he said before scrambling off of Regulus’s lap with just as many flailing limbs as he had gotten up with. Somehow, Harry’s feet hit the floor and Regulus’s eyes were not poked out. The boy quickly ran out of the room, no doubt to find Peter and Lily snorted.
“Aren’t they supposed to mellow out when they get older?” Lily asked with a sigh.
“I think we’re the wrong people to be asking,” Remus pointed out. “We don’t know shit about children.”
“Well, neither do I!” Lily exclaimed.
Sirius, who’d been taking a sip of his drink at that moment choked, sputtering in his laughter. “Oh- oh my god,” he giggled when he’d stopped coughing. “Can you imagine what the parents at Harry’s school would say if they heard that? Bad enough they think you’re crazy for letting me and a large assortment of eclectic people pick up Harry. They’d eat you alive.”
“Ugh,” Lily rolled her eyes. “You know one of the mums basically accused me of being a teen mom? Like I’m sorry I’m still hot and they’re already shooting up with Botox, that’s not my problem. They hate me. I’m not sure what they expect, it’s my first time being a parent. I’ve only had him for like six years. I haven’t had time to become the perfect mum yet…”
“That should be your superhero name, Perfect Mum,” Sirius grinned, leaning back on the sofa.
“What’s my superpower, changing nappies?”
“Wow, Lils, it sounds like you’re equating mothers to being nothing more than the tasks they perform for their children.”
“Oh, fuck off,” Lily said reaching out to shove at Sirius. He quickly jumped up, dancing out of her reach and heading to the other side of the living room where Remus was sitting.
Once she’d cast a proper death glare at Sirius, she turned to look at Regulus.
“Anyway, sorry, Reg. How have you been? We haven’t seen you in ages.”
“Been fine, just busy,” Regulus shrugged.
“How’s work?”
“It’s work.”
“Like pulling teeth with that one,” Sirius said from across the room. Regulus wished Lily had managed to properly shove him, he deserved it.
“How’s the new firm working out?” Lily asked, ignoring Sirius as well as Regulus’s less-than-scintillating response.
“It’s good,” Regulus said slowly. “Uh- better than the last place.”
Lily broke into a grin at the admission. “Good, I know you hated your last job. Even if you’re still working yourself into the ground, I’d rather you do it at a place that realizes you’re a human being. You know, I thought we’d see more of you once you finished law school though, not less.”
“Yeah, well… I’ve got to prove I actually deserve my job now, I suppose.”
“I’m sure you’re doing wonderfully. You’ve always had such a knack for law.”
Regulus forced a smile under her praise. He was thankfully, saved from figuring out how to answer.
“Dinner’s ready!” James announced as he entered the room. He had a dish towel thrown over his shoulder and his hair was a disaster. He paused as he spotted Regulus.
Their eyes met, and Regulus felt it the same as he always did. A sharp, electrifying zing zipping up his spine. Regulus couldn’t count the number of times he’d lay awake at night and prayed the feeling might go away. That one day he’d look at James and feel nothing.
“Oh, hey I didn’t realize you’d made it,” James said, he smiled easily. James was always better at that, looking at Regulus as if his lips hadn’t touched every inch of him.
“Yeah, just hit some traffic,” Regulus muttered.
I almost didn’t come. My guilt is eating me alive today.
Regulus didn’t say it. He didn’t need to. James heard it anyway.
The food was good, James had always been a good cook. He would cook whenever he was at Regulus’s flat. James made enough food to last a week so Regulus would have something to heat up. Regulus hated him going through the effort, but James insisted on it. Insisted Regulus couldn’t miss any meals.
Most meals were missed, despite James’s insistence. Sometimes, that was because Regulus didn’t feel like he deserved them. He didn’t feel like someone as terrible as him should get to eat.
Frankly, Regulus was pretty sure James knew that too, but he never said a word. He just fed Regulus when he was around and reminded him to eat throughout the day.
Dinner was fine. Harry chattered through most of it. Peter talked about work a little and Sirius began a rant about one of his clients and their refusal to follow tattoo aftercare. It was normal. Regulus still spent every second of the night waiting for someone to jump up and point a finger at him.
They didn’t. Clearly, Dorcas really hadn’t told anyone. At least, not yet.
“Hey kid, can you pass the rice?’
Regulus reached without thinking, dutifully handing James the rice. No one commented on the nickname, because it was just normal. James had always called Regulus that. It’d started as a joke when they were children because Regulus insisted he was grown up, and James who was older (by only a year, mind you) said Regulus was still a kid. Just because it pissed Regulus off, James had started calling him kid constantly, and the name had stuck.
It was normal, but no one else knew that sometimes— if James was feeling particularly nostalgic, he’d call Regulus kid while he fucked him.
When dinner was done and Regulus had played some checkers with Harry, Lily took him upstairs to bathe and get ready for bed. Peter begged off early because he had errands to run the next day, and Remus and Sirius were left on dish duty, which would definitely turn into a snogging session instead.
“Are you okay?”
Regulus put the last checkers piece in the box before trying to shove the lid on. James watched him struggle for a moment before rescuing the box. He took it from Regulus’s hands and put the lid on, minus the violence.
“Regulus,” James tried again once the box was closed and put away.
“I’m fine.”
James didn’t even bother acknowledging that. “I haven’t heard from you this week.”
“I’ve been busy.”
“Did something happen?”
Regulus swallowed. “I- I think we should probably talk.”
James stiffened. He looked around, ensuring they were alone before putting a hand on Regulus’s arm.
“Kid…”
“Don’t. Look it’s just—” Regulus broke off unable to meet James’s eye. “I- I want to see you. Can you figure something out?”
“For tomorrow?”
“As soon as possible.”
“Yeah,” James said instantly. “Okay, I’ll come to your place tomorrow…” he paused, eyes flitting over Regulus’s face. “Should I be worried?”
Regulus couldn’t bring himself to say yes.
He should have just told James right then and there. Dorcas knew… and now, it was only a matter of when their dirty laundry would be aired out for everyone they knew. This was ending. Regulus could feel it. He should have given James time to get comfortable with that idea.
Instead, Regulus shook his head. “I love you.”
Something behind James’s eyes seemed to crack. “I love you too,” he said, his voice achingly tender. Regulus never said it first, it was something to be remembered when he did.
There was the sound of footsteps and James scooted backward, putting a reasonable amount of distance between them. Regulus swallowed down the guilt, burning like acid at the back of his throat.
Sirius entered the living room, flopping down on the couch obliviously. “Ugh…” he groaned. “Prongs, I swear you purposefully burn the food to the bottom of the pans to spite me.”
“Yes,” Remus scoffed entering the room behind his boyfriend. “James specifically is out to get you. Everything that happens in the world is crafted just to make your life more difficult. The world revolves around you, Sirius.”
“I know!” Sirius huffed. “That’s what I’m saying!”
Regulus rolled his eyes, getting to his feet and brushing off his trousers. “I should get going.”
“No, Reggie!” Sirius protested shooting upright. “You should stay the night. Remus and I are staying.”
“You can’t invite me to stay at someone else’s house.”
“Nah, James and Lily won’t mind, right James?”
“Uh—” James began but Regulus quickly cut him off before he could stumble through an answer.
“I’ve got something going on tomorrow,” Regulus said. “It’s best if I get home.”
“Something going on?” Sirius repeated wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Or someone?”
Regulus scoffed. “No, I have plans with Barty and Evan.”
“So, you don’t have a boyfriend? Because I’m telling you… you can’t lie to your brother, Reg.”
“What is Regulus lying about?” Lily asked as she returned, Harry seemingly bathed and in bed.
“Having a boyfriend!”
“I don’t have a boyfriend,” Regulus countered stiffly.
“Aw, Reg, you can tell us!” Lily said instantly, her eyes widening in curiosity. Lily was far too nosy for her own good.
“There’s nothing to tell. I’m leaving, goodnight.”
“I’ll walk you out,” James said scrambling up and hurrying after Regulus as he left the room.
Regulus didn’t say a word as he stepped into the chilly night air, and James reached out grabbing him by the wrist.
Instantly, Regulus wrenched his wrist back, turning on James with a glare. “Not outside your fucking house!” he hissed.
“I have known you over half my life,” James protested. “No one is going to think anything if they see a single touch. You know what’s weirder, the fact that you’ve barely even looked at me tonight.”
“They’re going to figure it out—”
“Where is this coming from?” James interrupted. “Seriously, we’re fine, we’ve been fine, and all of a sudden you’re acting crazy.”
“We’re not fine! We’ve never been fine. None of this is okay and I don’t care what acrobatics you’ve done in your mind to justify it. It’s not!”
“I don’t understand what’s going on with you, Regulus…” James shook his head, mouth twisted in a frown. He didn’t let his voice rise, unlike Regulus. “First you ignore me for a week, then say we need to talk, and now you’re acting as if the world is ending.”
“I- I can’t do this right now,” Regulus muttered shaking his head. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He left James standing there outside. Regulus wished he had the strength not to look back.
The first time it happened it hadn’t exactly been right, but it hadn’t been infidelity.
See, James Potter and Lily Evans had been going out since they were seventeen. For a long time, Lily hadn’t even liked James, even though he’d chased after her for years. Remus had always said it was simply infatuation, not love like James insisted. And then, one day, Lily decided that she liked James back.
Regulus hated Lily. He hated that she wasn’t just gorgeous with her long red hair and the freckles dotting her pale nose, but she was smart too. She was top of her class, funny, and sarcastic, but kind as well. Everyone trusted her and went to Lily Evans in times of need. She’d tell it like it was but with a soft hand and a smile.
She was the wonderful sort of person it would be easy to fall in love with. But she hated James, she hated him until suddenly they were making out in corners and Regulus hated her guts.
Except… not really. He liked to pretend he did, but Lily had always been good to him, even when Regulus and Sirius had fallen out for a few terrible years and Regulus had turned bitter and cruel.
So, Regulus swallowed down his resentment and forced himself to live with the fact that James belonged to Lily. Down the drain were any of his delusional childhood dreams about James finally seeing him. It was probably for the best.
But then… then, James and Lily had broken up.
It’d been a shock to everyone and if Regulus had been secretly happy, that was nobody’s business.
A week after the breakup, James had come knocking on Sirius’s door. Regulus—who had been living with Sirius at the time—had opened it to find him standing there, slightly tipsy.
“Sirius is out.”
“Oh, can I come in anyway?”
“No, go away.”
“Come on, kid, please? I brought alcohol, I’ll share.”
Regulus should have refused, but he was weak for James Potter and always had been.
They’d gotten drunk on the living room floor and James had turned his head, face scrunching in a frown.
“Why do you look at me like that?”
“Huh?” Regulus mumbled.
“I always catch you looking,” James explained, and Regulus wanted to reach out and soften the crease on his forehead. “You look at me like it hurts.”
Regulus was too drunk, too fuzzy to stop the words from spilling out. The pressure had been building for years and suddenly, he was cracking.
“It does hurt.”
James sat up suddenly pushing his drink aside. “What? Why? Am I hurting you?”
“Yes, it’s not your fault though,” Regulus said, the edges of words slightly slurred. “It’s just me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s just cause I’m probably a little in love with you.”
James had taken a very long moment to process that, frozen as he stared at Regulus in shock.
Regulus had stood suddenly, swaying as he scrambled up. James had stood as well, grabbing at Regulus’s wrist.
“Wait—”
“No, no, no. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Reg—”
“You can forget about it. I know it’s stupid—”
“Regulus!” James rarely yelled, and never at Regulus, so the sudden volume was enough to shut him up. “Regulus… I liked you for years.”
“I- what?” Regulus choked out.
“I liked you.”
“You- you never said anything… I don’t understand—”
“Neither did you! I always thought you barely tolerated me.”
“Well, you were obsessed with Lily!”
“I thought had a chance with Lily.”
Regulus scoffed. “Well, nobody else thought that!”
“Okay, but I was right! I did get her to date me.”
Regulus’s eyes narrowed. “Can we not talk about Lily right now?”
“Oh,” James swallowed. “Right, okay… uh- I just didn’t think you’d ever like me, and even if you did, you’re Sirius’s little brother. It wouldn’t be right.”
“Yeah,” Regulus swallowed. “Okay, I get it. Clearly, that’s in the past, let’s just forget I ever said anything.”
“Why is it in the past?”
Regulus wanted to punch James. “Because you literally just said you liked me, past tense. The end. Stop teasing me.”
“I’m not teasing. I’m being dead serious.”
“Well stop.”
“Make me.”
Yes, Regulus was going to punch James, actually.
He must have mixed things up in his drunken state because suddenly he was pushing James backward and their lips were meeting in a kiss that sucked the breath out of Regulus’s lungs.
Maybe James wasn’t lying, he didn’t kiss in the past tense. He kissed Regulus like it was the most important thing he’d ever done. Fingers tugging at his curls, licking into Regulus’s mouth.
Sirius was gone for the night, and they were both drunk and stupid.
“Don’t let this hurt me.” Regulus had whispered into James’s mouth as he’d pushed him down onto the bed.
“Never,” James had replied. “I’d never hurt you.”
Liar, liar, liar.
Because James touched Regulus like he was scared. Every brush of their skin was savored, every burning point of contact. James kissed every inch of Regulus’s thighs, worshipping him like he was something bigger than just Regulus.
Regulus hadn’t meant physically. He’d probably let James draw blood if he wanted. Let him tear open Regulus’s throat and leave bruises on his skin. James could own him, carve out Regulus’s organs and sell them for spare change.
Pain was one thing when you could press your finger to the source and feel it sting. It was another when it grew thorns in his lungs, and all Regulus could do was breathe despite the sting that came with every inhale and exhale.
“I want you,” James had said into Regulus’s skin after he’d made sure Regulus would never be able to feel satisfied by anyone else. “I know it’s probably wrong and Sirius is going to kill me, but I want you. I want this again, forever, every day of my life. I think we can make it work.”
What was the saying? Famous last words?
Liar, liar.
Two weeks later James had shown up, his face white, mouth twisted in a guilty grimace.
“Lily is pregnant,” he’d said, and Regulus had felt the world crashing down around him. “She thinks we should get back together, and so do her parents. I think with some counseling we can probably work through our issues. Our child deserves to have two parents, one house… it isn’t right to drag this out.”
“I thought you wanted this,” Regulus said tonelessly. Not a question, it was too flat, too hollow.
“I- I do, kid, but this is bigger than that!”
Regulus wanted to tell James not to call him that, but he couldn’t. he didn’t want James to stop looking at him, stop knowing him.
“Are you going to tell her that you were fucking me?”
“I- I told her you kissed me. Not the rest but—”
“Right… I kissed you.”
“That’s what happened.”
“I was drunk.”
“You said you were in love with me.”
“I’ll take it back if it helps you sleep at night.”
“No, no, Regulus. I- I don’t expect you to get it… this is a baby. I’m going to have a child. This isn’t about how I feel about you, it’s just for the best. Sirius would probably hate me for being with you anyway and it’d make things weird, on top of the fact that I’m now going to have a family. I want you, but it just can’t work like this… so just to be here, I want you to know my child. I want in my life. Isn’t that enough?”
“No! No, it’s not fucking enough, James! I won’t sit here and be your friend while you gallivant around with your girlfriend and new baby.”
Except he would and he did.
Regulus was weak.
The first two years he’d been able to keep his distance, everyone knew law school was hard. It was easy to beg off from most events in the name of studying. But… Regulus didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to become estranged from Sirius again. And it didn’t help that Regulus had truly come to love Harry.
Regulus wished he could hate the baby for what he’d caused, but it wasn’t Harry’s fault. He was just a child. In the end, Regulus couldn’t even find it in himself to hate Lily for it. She didn’t know the truth. She just wanted to raise her child in a stable two-parent household. James and Lily got married because it was what was expected, Regulus threw up in a trash can outside before the ceremony.
And James? Regulus should have hated him, but he was a little too in love to manage it.
So instead, Regulus hated himself. He boiled over with it. He worked too hard, ate too little, drank too much, and ran farther than his body could handle. Anything to block out the feeling.
And maybe Regulus was pathetically stuck on a married man, but he didn’t want to be stuck on James and die having lived an entirely isolated life either.
The breaking point had been a two A.M. call from Sirius.
“I can’t shake the feeling that I’m losing you again.”
“You’re not,” Regulus swallowed thickly, unsure what he could say to convince his brother. Nothing elegant came out. “Sirius, you’re not,” Regulus repeated as if that might drill it in.
“I never see you. You bail out of most events, you never come for dinner. You missed Christmas and New Year's… I know you’re busy, I know school is hard, but you’re the only family I have.”
“You have James and the Potters, Lily and Remus and—”
“And you,” Sirius said fiercely. “You’re my blood, Regulus. And maybe, in most cases I would say that doesn’t mean shit, but when it comes to the two of us… it does. You’re special to me in a way no one else is, even if they’re family too.”
Regulus held back the sudden urge to cry at his brother’s words. Sirius rarely spoke so plainly or emotionally with Regulus, it felt like a sucker punch.
“Okay,” Regulus choked out.
“Okay? For real?” Regulus could practically hear Sirius perking up.
“Yes,” Regulus sighed. “Now what event am I being invited to?”
“Oh, I didn’t mention? Harry’s birthday!” Regulus was glad his brother couldn’t see the way he physically winced at that. Sirius continued, prattling on about how he couldn’t believe Harry was one already. Regulus listened, closing his eyes against the ache in his chest.
The party was fine.
Enough people wanted to talk to Regulus that he was able to avoid James and didn’t look at him and Lily together. The wedding had been bad enough, Regulus couldn’t stomach seeing James put a hand on her back or cast her a gentle smile.
Regulus almost made it out unscathed.
But of course, James fucking Potter never knew when to leave well enough alone.
“You’re leaving?”
Regulus spun, trying to hide the way his fists clenched as he stopped in the drive. Fuck, he’d almost made it out without doing this.
“I’ve got a lot of work to get done.”
“Right… law school, you’re busy.”
“Yeah…”
“I—” James shifted, scuffing the toe of his shoe on the asphalt. “I miss you.”
“No,” Regulus said instantly.
“Reg—”
“No, you chose Lily, so you don’t get to miss me. Go fuck yourself.”
Regulus spun on his heel, heading down the drive and leaving James standing there. He hoped it stung. Regulus hoped James felt even a fraction of the amount of pain he did. He snuck a tiny glance behind him, James looked devasted.
It must have hurt, because not a week later, Regulus’s studying was interrupted by a banging on his door.
The pizza delivery boy was very bad at his job and always showed up at the wrong door. Regulus was prepared to scold him within an inch of his life since it’d make the second time that week… except, when he opened the door, it wasn’t the pizza boy but James Potter standing there. His hair was disheveled, and his cheeks were pink. He was clearly tipsy, but he still reacted fast enough to grab the door before Regulus could shove it in his face.
“Wait, Regulus, please. Can you just let me in? I want to talk.”
Regulus… well, it’d been long established that he was weak. James was looking at him with wide eyes, as if he’d never seen anyone else. Regulus felt the weight of it zip up his spine. Like an idiot, he stepped back, letting James side.
“I don’t understand what you want,” Regulus said once the door had swung shut.
“I- I’ve been thinking… I made a mistake.”
“Great,” Regulus scoffed. “That’s real fucking great—”
“I shouldn’t have gone back to Lily; we shouldn’t have gotten married.”
Regulus froze, any words he had dying on his tongue.
“I- I shouldn’t have done it,” James stuttered when Regulus didn’t respond. “I thought maybe it would go away, you know? Like eventually, I’d stop seeing you every time I closed my eyes. But it didn’t. I almost called off the wedding because all I could think about was you… and you’re probably the love of my life. If you weren’t, it wouldn’t hurt this much.” James swallowed, taking a shaky breath. “So, I was going to call off the wedding and the Petunia cornered me and started saying all this shit about how good it is we’re getting married. How if we want Harry to grow up well-adjusted we’re doing the right thing. She said a split household would ruin him and I just- I choked up. I went up there and I made a huge mistake. Because I’m hurting you, I’m hurting Lily, Harry, and me. I did all this the hard way, I messed up. But I’m going to tell her, Reg.”
Finally, Regulus made his voice work. “What?” he asked, the words coming out strangled.
“I’m not expecting you to take me back or anything, you don’t need to give me another chance,” James hurried to say. “But I can’t live a lie like this. I can’t lead Lily on… and the truth is, she doesn’t even love me, kid, not really. So, I’ll tell her everything, that I didn’t just kiss you after the breakup… that I’m in love with you.”
“You’re in love with me,” Regulus repeated numbly.
“Yes, yes. I- I’ve probably always been if we’re being honest.”
“And you’re going to leave Lily?”
“Yes.”
“Even though you have Harry?”
“I- yes, I know it’s going to be hard… but this is probably the right thing. We’ll figure it out.”
The thing about James Potter was that he genuinely meant all of it. If he hadn’t, Regulus probably wouldn’t have fallen so hard. James was blindingly bright, caring in such a way that he offered every bit of himself. He’d bleed out on the ground before putting his needs above anyone else's. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Regulus knew him well enough to know this was his fatal flaw.
How can being too nice be a fatal flaw, one might wonder? Well, it’s simple— in a mission not to hurt anyone… James hurt everyone.
If you live your life trying to put everyone’s contradicting needs first, eventually no one wins.
So, James meant it all, and Regulus let himself believe it because James did.
And if James was too selfless, Regulus was selfish. Putting his own desire before anyone and everyone else.
“Okay,” Regulus said. Stupid, selfish, awful, Regulus Black.
There was only a second of silence before they were both moving in unison, their lips crashing together so hard it knocked James's glasses askew. Regulus choked on the way it felt like coming home.
A week later, Regulus got a text from Sirius.
You need to get to james and lily’s place now
His assumption was that the news had broken. Regulus had to talk himself down a million times on the way over and when he got there, he almost turned around. But he didn’t, he tried to steel himself.
When Regulus stepped into the living room, Lily, James, Sirius and Remus were sitting there in absolute silence. They all turned to face him as he entered, and he almost bolted.
When Lily spoke, it was the last thing Regulus expected her to say.
“I have cancer.”
“W-what?” Regulus stiffened in shock.
“Ovarian cancer,” she said, and then her voice was cracking, and Regulus hurried across the room. He wasn’t one for touching, but he held Lily then, as she sobbed. Remus rubbed her back and they sat there in silence the news suffocating the air from the room.
“You didn’t tell her yet, did you?” Regulus whispered to James that night before he left.
“No…”
It was Regulus who said it. “Don’t, not now. You can’t.”
“I know,” James squeezed his eyes shut, inhaling sharply.
“We'll just… keep it like this for now. See about her treatment and… I can’t cause her stress—”
“I know,” James said again, reaching out to grab Regulus’s wrist. His touch was warm, steadying. “I’m just sorry, I don’t want to do this to you.”
“It’s just for a little while, I’m far more concerned with Lily.”
“Okay.” A pause. “Just a little while longer.”
It turned out, fighting cancer was no simple feat. Distantly, Regulus had known that, but in his mind, it was simply, cancer, chemo, then better. Every day, Regulus woke up and wondered what the world might be like without Lily Evans-Potter, he didn’t think it was a place he wanted to live.
Maybe the only people who were surprised were James and Regulus, when “a little while” lasted a lot longer than that.
Regulus canceled on James.
Something came up, don’t come by today.
Regulus sent the text and then turned off his phone before leaving his flat.
It was almost Christmas… Regulus would tell James about Dorcas finding out after the holiday.
So, he ignored James’s texts and stayed with Barty and Evan for a few days in case James showed up at his flat. Neither of his friends said anything about Regulus’s behavior, but sometimes he was sure they must have known the truth.
By the time Christmas Eve rolled around, Regulus had barely eaten or slept in days, he heard it as soon as Effie Potter opened the door.
“Oh, Regulus honey, you look exhausted! Have you been working too hard?”
“Life in law,” Regulus shrugged as she took his jacket from him.
“Doesn’t mean you ought to work yourself to death,” she scolded, gently ushering Regulus into the living room.
Sirius instantly accosted Regulus, pressing a kiss to his forehead which Regulus made a face of disgust at. Regulus ignored James's eyes on him. He greeted everyone, wishing them a happy Christmas even as his phone, buzzed in his pocket.
Regulus didn’t dare to pull it out until all the attention was off him. Regulus swallowed down the urge to cry, texting James back rapidly as the text conversation played out. James looked to Regulus for a split second, before looking at his own phone. His face was painted by a barely contained frown and Regulus looked away.
“James,” Monty piped up leaning forward and James dropped his phone onto his lap. “You promised to show us that video of Harry’s school play.”
“Oh! The one where he was the tree?” Sirius asked hopefully. “That was priceless. I want to see it too!”
“So do I,” Remus shook his head. “Still can’t believe I missed it.”
“Well, you were sick, Moony,” Sirius said gently. “Nothing to be done about it.”
“I believe I’m owed the video too,” Effie smiled as Remus reached out to grab Sirius’s hand fondly.
“Well, you can’t all see it at once,” James sighed, “it’s on my phone, the screen is too small. Plus, I think we need to have a conversation about how spoiled Harry is turning out with the lot of you.”
“Come on, James, he’s the baby of the family it can’t be helped.” Lily grinned jumping up from the sofa. “Can’t you show it on the telly? We did that for the Christmas movies last year, the screen mirroring.”
“Oh, Lily, you’re brilliant!” Monty said excitedly.
The next few minutes contained a lot of fussing with the television and bickering. Eventually, Lily yanked James’s phone from his hand and began tapping at it. A moment later the menu appeared on the TV screen.
“Aha!” She said victoriously turning to the TV. She swiped away the dropdown menu on James’s phone revealing the window he’d had up last.
Regulus’s texts.
Right there clear as day on the screen for everyone to see.
Everything froze.
[James]
i don’t understand what’s going on. why did you cancel the other day?
i had to lie to lily about a work thing so I could come see you
you can’t ask me to drop everything for you then bail
i love you
but you’re being a dick
[Regulus]
We’ll talk about it after Christmas.
[James]
are you breaking things off? are you done?
seriously you’ve been scaring me
i miss you
[Regulus]
I didn’t say that.
If I was going to stop seeing you shouldn’t that have happened, I don’t know…
Five years ago???
For a very long moment, nobody moved all eyes fixed on the telly. Regulus didn’t know if the delay was because everyone was processing what the fuck was going on or because they were all too afraid to speak.
“What is this?” Lily asked sharply. James scrambled up but she was already scrolling up through the texts, not even looking at James. “Reg, can I come over? I know it’s early, but I need to see you…” Lily read off her voice scarily level. Then another text. “I came all the way to London to see you and you cancel? Where are you? I know something happened, I know you like my own fucking soul. Whatever it is, I love you, kid. We can figure it out.” Then she was scrolling up further the messages blurring past. Weeks, months. Through pictures, memes, all of James’s ‘I love you’s, and heart emojis. “Oh my fucking god,” Lily recited, pausing on a message from James in all caps. “Regulus Black, what the hell are you wearing? I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this party if you look like that. I could eat you… Sneak away with me later?”
“What the fuck?” It was Sirius who spoke, his face white in horror as he stood, glancing from Lily to James and then Regulus who was still sitting on the sofa. Regulus thought maybe if he was still enough the sofa cushions might swallow him.
“Lily—” James started helplessly.
“You’re sleeping together,” Lily said her voice flat. Not that there was any question on the matter.
“Look it’s just… it wasn’t supposed to happen like this—”
“Five years,” Lily hissed cutting James off. “That's what Regulus’s text said, didn’t it? Five years! Do you think so fucking little of me? Am I worth absolutely nothing that you would fuck our friend, Sirius baby brother behind my back for five years? I knew how you felt about him, I knew you’d kissed him, but this? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“No, no, Lily, I think the world of you. It wasn’t supposed to go this far,” James protested.
Regulus stood, it felt like dying.
He always knew how this would happen. He was the other man, he was the mistake, the guilt. He would lose everyone.
Regulus turned, he left. Reality was buzzing in his ears, someone called his name— maybe James, but Regulus didn’t care. He left the house. He stepped onto the porch, down the drive, into his car.
This time, Regulus didn’t look back.
So it ended there.
Or, it began.
That depends on which way you want to look at it.