Chapter Text
“He’d let you die.”
Bones can remember standing in the exact same spot not that long ago when Jim asked him “What would he do?” And without question, without the merest of hesitation, Bones had stated, “He’d let you die”.
Now Dr. Leonard McCoy was standing on the bridge questioning everything that he thought he knew about the Vulcan who he swore had no emotions.
“Sir, the third scan has been completed of the planet and we are still unable to find Captain Kirk.”
“He’d let you die.”
“Continue with another scan, widening the area, and expand to include the surrounding orbit of the planet. We know that there are life forms located here and the statistical probability that the Captain is one of them is 97.3%.”
“Captain, we are receiving warnings of incoming vessels. The monitor is reading four.”
“Commander. Captain Kirk is momentarily indisposed.”
“Spock.” Bones said quietly. He didn’t think he’d ever be in this position. To have to reason with a man who was known as nothing but sound mind and logic. Who would put the many before the few. Who would have let Jim die. They were in a position that if they did not leave soon, they would all die. “Spock, it’s been few days and Jim would want…”
Spock turned to Bones with a look of anger and determination on his face. “While I adhere to your knowledge in the medical field I will not allow you to dictate to me what Captain Kirk would or would not do. We will scan this planet until he is found, and we will defend ourselves against any enemy vessels that get in our way. If any member of the crew on this bridge has an issue with that they may exit immediately with no ill bearing on their career with Starfleet.”
Bones watched as Spock moved towards the person sitting where Spock himself was not 48 hours ago, watching the screens, looking for something, any indicator, any sound. Bones then turned towards Nyota who looked like she was on the verge of tears before she quickly blinked them away and her face resumed its stoic position.
This was a simple intel mission. Jim was supposed to beam down and meet with some generals or diplomats or whoever the hell it was, Bones didn’t know and he was going to come right back. These were peace talks, treaties, bringing everyone together. Nothing was supposed to go wrong.
But everything did go wrong. Like it always went wrong for the Enterprise
“Commander,” Nyota spoke up, a spark of something indistinguishable on her face. Hope, fear, desperation. “Commander, I picked up a beacon from Captain Kirk’s transmitter.”
Bones let out a long deep breath, his hands falling onto the nearest console, relief filling his lungs, his chest expanding, his heart beating rapidly. His mind with the same sentence racing over and over again.
“He didn’t let you die.”
Jim didn’t know where he was. He had vague recollections of the last couple of days. He was supposed to beam down to a planet, there was a mission to broker a treaty, his gut told him immediately something was wrong as soon as he energized. The last clear vision he remembered was of his Commander asking him if he wanted his Captain to join him. Jim assured Spock that he would be fine.
He was not fine.
He was in the middle of what could only be called a barren dessert. Most planets resembled this until they were occupied and settled with new inhabitants. He couldn’t see anything for miles except sand, dirt, and the blazing sun. He didn’t know how he got here. Hell, he didn’t know if here was the planet he still landed on. There were no ships in sight, not enemy, not ally, not his own.
He put two palms down in the hot sand and attempted to push himself up. Every muscle in his body screamed out in pain. He couldn’t identify which part of him hurt because it all did. From his toes to the hair growing from his head. He collapsed with his face against the warm grains. What the hell had happened to him? What the hell was he going to do?
The latter was answered more quickly than he anticipated. From the chirp coming from his pants pocket. Gritting his teeth and moving through the pain he reached down and grabbed his communicator. What was no more than a minute, but what felt like an eternity, he was able to flip it open and let out a small groan.
“Captain Kirk!” Nyota yelled. “Captain Kirk, can you hear me?”
He wanted to cry and scream and yell back that he could hear her, he was here, and for someone to pilot his damn ship and come get him. But his throat was dry, his lips were cracked, and he could barely make audible gasps and grunts.
“It’s him,” Bones yelled, and Jim could hear him turning away Nyota and her earpiece and yelling to someone in the background. “Get Scotty to beam his ass up here now!”
Jim then heard squeaking and stomping in which he could only assume was Bones running towards the transporter room. He hoped that Bones would have some water waiting for him when Jim arrived.
Giving up, giving in to the pain, he shut his eyes and prayed that he would be moved quickly. He wasn’t able to stand, so he knew that he would be arriving lying down, but that wasn’t the first time he showed up in the transport room that way and he was sure it wasn’t going to be the last.
Before he gave in to it all he heard one final thing.
“Captain – we are energizing you at this moment. Do not move. The Enterprise and her crew are awaiting your arrival.”
“Spock.” Jim croaked in no more than a whisper.
And the rest was left unsaid by the Commander “I will be waiting you.”
Bones felt like it was years before he saw the transport pad light up. He thought it was best if he kept the people waiting in this room for Jim to a minimum. Scotty sat at the console, and he felt, more than heard, Spock appear behind him. Before tearing off the bridge, Bones heard him barking orders to Sulu and Chekov to warp their way out of here and away from the incoming vessels.
And as much as the crew anticipated their Captains return; no one else had dared to enter this room.
Bones held a tricorder in his hand knowing that if anyone were able to get a reading from Jim it would be him. He was hoping that this was all some misunderstanding. That Jim was simply out of contact or below ground and unable to contact his crew. He was praying that the tricorder was not needed. He saw how wrong he was as soon as the bright light lit the room and Jim appeared, flat on his stomach, eyes closed, and his articles of clothing torn to shreds.
He felt Spock stiffen. A millisecond if that. And then he moved around Bones, nearly pushing him out of the way, hurrying towards Jim. Scotty was smart enough to stay seated at the console. His lips sealed. His eyes were saying everything. Something serious happened down on that planet. Something that Bones didn’t think even he wanted to know about.
“Captain.”
Bones didn’t think Spock had ever spoken that softly before and he had witnessed encounters between him and Nyota. He was kneeling now, beside Jim’s face, touching his hair softly, almost intimately. Bones cleared his throat and Scotty turned towards him. Bones eyes must have said it all, because Scotty quietly got up and quickly left the room. Bones was tempted to leave as well but he knew as a medical professional he could not, and he needed to make sure his Captain, his friend, was okay.
He started to move forward but then stopped when he heard the scratchy voice.
“Spock.” Jim hoarse whispered again. “Water.”
Damn’t why didn’t Bones think of that? He was a doctor for God’s sake.
Spock did. A bottle materializing out of his hand and helping Jim drink just a small amount. The water barely touched his lips before Jim started choking. And in that moment Bones did step forward.
“Jim,” he said as he brought his tricorder up to Jim’s face. Jim couldn’t physically move but he did visibly recoil.
“My quarters,” Jim croaked again, “Spock, my room.”
Bones wanted to argue, wanted to demand, that he get his ass in a bio bed in the sick bay immediately but then he saw Jim’s eyes. Pale blue, searching Spock’s, and he couldn’t argue with him. Bones would give him an hour or two and then he would go to Jim.
But as Spock helped Jim stand up, Bones wanted to start arguing and screaming all over again.
Jim was missing a shoe from his right foot and a sock from his left. His pants had various rips and holes in them through the legs and thigh area. They were being held up by a rope belt that was loosely tied around his waist. His shirt was nearly torn off his chest. There was a large tear from the left side down to his bellow button. The sleeves were torn at both shoulders, and you could see the hems were stretched.
There were marks all over him. Blood everywhere from his fingernails to his scalp. Cuts, bruises, indents. Bones could not categorize everything that he was seeing. What he didn’t see was the normal light in Jim’s bright blue eyes.
“Sick bay,” Bones said quietly, “Immediately, now. Sick bay.” He was rambling, he was scared.
“No.” Spock said quietly and before Bones could blink Jim was in his arms being cradled like a bride on her wedding day. “The Captain will retire to his quarters and will call you when he is ready for evaluation.”
“Listen to me you know it all bastard,” Bones said, “It is only logical that he is checked out immediately for whatever the hell he went through down there. And you and I both know by one look at him he went through hell.”
Jim was not disputing this as he had passed out.
Spock looked at Bones and then down at Jim again. After five long seconds he looked back up to Bones with an expression on his face that a human would describe as frightened.
“Dr. McCoy – you know that I normally defer to your intelligence in this matter as you have multiple years of study and practice in this field, and it is your expertise. However, I am asking you not as current Commander of this ship but as the Captain’s friend to please, give him some time. As soon as he is ready, I will make sure that he sees you at the sick bay. I will contact you immediately and then bring him directly to you.” Spock stopped, took a small breath, and once again looked at him. Quietly, he simply said, “Please.”
In that moment, Bones did not know if the please was directed to him or to Jim.
“You have two hours. If I do not see you, I am coming to his room and I will drag him down to sick bay myself.”
“Understood Doctor.”
Bones hated it, but he turned around and left. At that moment, it was all he could do. He heard Spock leave the room shortly after.
Jim blinked his eyes and saw himself staring at a white ceiling. Turning his head slightly, with a wince of pain, he saw the dark sky of space and twinkling stars. Turning his head, the other way he saw what he was hoping to see; Spock.
“I see you are awake, Captain. May I ask how you are feeling?”
“I’m feeling since we are in my quarters you should call me Jim,” he winced as he sat up and felt Spock move towards him to help put him in a sitting position, but Jim was able to shift away. Jim looked down on himself and saw that he was still in the clothes he was in when he left for the mission. They were much less presentable now than they were when he left.
“As I did not know the extent of your injuries, I was hesitant to remove your clothing. Dr. McCoy asks that you report to him immediately so that he may perform a physical and run various tests. I’m afraid you only have an hour left before he stated he will come here.”
Jim gave Spock a pained smile. “I appreciate it, but I think a shower is best at the moment.”
“Captain,” Spock said standing up immediately from the bed and then positioning his arms behind his back, “Jim. I think it is best that you see Dr. McCoy first so that he can take proper documentation of your injuries. Rest assured once you are healed and able to do so, we will return to the planet and find the person or persons who did this to you.”
“I appreciate the concern but I’m fine. I just need a shower to get all this sand off me and some rest.” Jim waved his hand, dismissing Spock’s concern, “A nice hot shower and not a sonic one.” He said with a small smile. Jim was a fan of the water showers, Spock not so much.
“Do you need any assistance?” Spock asked, still standing by the bedside, unsure of what to do in this moment, but trying his best to offer any support.
“I’m good,” Jim said, “You stayed…Enterprise stayed…so I’m good Spock.”
Spock held Jim’s gaze, “I would not leave you. I will not lose you again, Jim.”
“Yeah,” Jim smiled as he grabbed a towel and started to the bathroom, “I have no intention of losing you period.” He stuck his head back out of the bathroom, “Will you be here when I’m finished?”
“I have been away from the bridge since you have returned,” Spock said, “I would like to discuss the situation with the crew and assure them that you…safe. I will return after I can attest, we are moving swiftly towards our next destination and everything is running smoothly.”
Jim nodded, “If you want to make sure everything is good, you can stay until the next shift,” he gave Spock a pain filled smile, “I lost track of time so I’m not sure if we’re on Alpha, Beta, or Gamma.”
“We are in the middle of the Beta shift, Jim. I maintained my position on the bridge until you were located.” Spock said, “We can easily have Gamma shift take on the extra hours today so that everyone else may get some rest. I will return shortly.”
Jim nodded and gave him a small smile as he watched Spock turn around and walk out his bedroom door. They closed with a small swoosh sound behind him and he was left in the silent room. He didn’t know why he made his next move, but he just knew that it was something that he had to do in this moment.
“Computer, seal room, Captain’s orders, Alpha Three One One Five Six.”
Once he received confirmation, he continued into the bathroom.
Jim wasn’t dumb. He was barely genius level and had escaped death on a handful of occasions. So, he knew that something happened on that planet. He wasn’t stupid enough to think that he peacefully lost a few hours and was returned to his starship. He knew deep down that there were hidden horrors that he didn’t want to think of, let alone speak out loud, to himself, to Bones, hell to anyone.
What he hadn’t anticipated was that the demons he tried desperately to hold at bay would come out once the water began to trickle over his scalp and touch every part of his body that was injured. Once he lathered the soap and started to wash his person the images, screams, the torture all came rushing back.
He had no idea how he finished the mundane task. He didn’t know how he came to be sitting in a small chair, knees pulled up against his chest, in a pair of Starfleet issued sweatpants and long sleeve shirt. His fingers were scratching his knees, his eyes blinking rapidly, dashing the moisture that continued to grow there. The ship still seemed to be moving, the world around him still going, and he was trying his best to remember to breathe and to find a way to shut out the screaming in his head.
His own screams.
His eyes bounced up when the door opened to his room. He was confused, thinking he locked it, and that confusion went away with the realization that it was Spock. He was the only man Jim would give his authorization code to.
Many assumed Spock had the code because it was his First Officer, the man who would fill Jim’s shoes if Jim was unable to act out his duties as Captain. Jim and Spock knew that he had that code for an entirely different reason. And seeing the look on his First Officer’s face Jim knew that he was running out of time and Bones would demand to see him.
“I took the liberty to speak with the doctor and let him know that you had fallen into a fitful sleep, and it would be wise to hold off further examination until tomorrow morning,” Spock stated as he produced a hypospray, “I was provided with this should you continue to struggle with a sound sleep.”
Spock continued his entrance into the room slowly and Jim jumped from the chair and instinctively moved back from him. He didn’t want to; but his mind was screaming that he had to. Spock lied.
“Vulcans cannot lie,” Jim said softly.
“I know that I do not need to remind you that I am half human,” Spock said, “And while I cannot connect with your mind and feel that it is a danger at this time to request a mind meld, I know you well enough to know that something is very wrong.” His eyes wavered for a moment, “Jim.”
Jim knows that Spock did not call him that often and kept it to the privacy of their own quarters. The fact that Spock was struggling right now and holding off Bones meant that while he might know what was going on it sensed that it was deep and traumatic and was willing to give Jim some time.
At least time away from everyone else but Spock.
“Jim,” Spock said again quietly. And he can think of only two other times that Spock was rendered speechless. Once when he lost his mother and the other when he lost Jim. It was difficult to render Spock unable to communicate but this moment seemed to be one.
Jim turned his eyes from Spock and looked towards the bathroom. His moment of discovery, to the disposal of his clothes to the bio-matter resequencer waste and watching the color of red swirl down the drain. It was only a short time ago that Spock had left him but for Jim it seemed like hours. And he knew that his hell lasted for days.
So no, while he didn’t want to visit this, he had to, for Spock, for them.
“I need you to sit,” Jim said quietly as he sat down on the edge of the bed, his fingers gripping onto to the mattress, gripping onto something so that he could prevent himself from scratching at the crawling feeling on his skin.
Spock started to move towards Jim but when he saw the Captain shake his head slightly Spock retreated and did indeed sit down on the sofa nearby. Spock tensed, knowing he would not like what was about to be told, knowing he would need to hear it anyway.
“I don’t know who they were,” Jim choked. “I mean I know what we were told, I know we were meeting for a treaty, and I was getting picked up but as soon as I got into that damn shuttle. My communicator cut off and as friendly as they were trying to be I just knew…I knew...” he ended on a tone with anger, his eyes looking anywhere by Spock’s, his fingers digging imprints in the mattress.
“Jim,” Spock said leaning forward but Jim shook his head rapidly cutting off any further commentary.
“You have to let me get through this,” Jim said as he looked at Spock and then Spock saw it, the sheen of unshed tears, Jim’s chest rising and falling rapidly, barely holding himself together. “I have to get through this.”
Spock nodded, and while still stiff, managed to sit back a little further on the couch. It was more for Jim’s relaxation than his own. He was still concerned as to where this conversation was leading.
“I was taken to base headquarters, or the meeting place, or whatever the fuck they call it, and immediately everything was taken from me. My phaser, my communicator, hell even my back up knife that no one ever finds.” He snorted and wiped the back of his left hand against his nose. “There was no talking, no one said a word, they grabbed my arm and dragged me down. Just down, down, and down. I have no idea how far we went. It was like I was at the bottom of the planet. They threw me behind some crude looking bars, steel, medieval, with a lock hanging out of reach but within vision.”
Spock watched as Jim turned his face and looked at him, with silent tears streaming down his face. It took all his strength to stay on that couch and not reach out for him.
“They didn’t handcuff me, Spock,” Jim whispered, “They didn’t tie me up, shackle me to a corner, they didn’t do anything but shut those doors. There was a small window at the top that I could see out of but could not reach and I couldn’t understand. Why bring me down here, why leave me loose when I would eventually figure out how to get out of this cage, eventually find a way to leave.”
He took a deep breath and continued, “Mind games, tricks, all part of a plan to think I had a chance to escape. The door wasn’t closed long before it was open again and he was there. No weapons but his firsts. He was tall, he was big, his breath smelled like garbage.”
Spock could not contain the small gasp that escaped from his mouth.
Jim could not contain the humorous laugh that escaped his chest, “He beat me with his fists, with his boots, Then I felt his hands, then I felt the tugging, then I was on my back, then I smelled that garbage breath.”
Spock could no longer contain himself and was off the couch and moving towards Jim at lightening speed. Jim was just as fast however and crab walked backwards on the bed until he was pushed against the headboard, eyes frightened, as if he was trapped with nowhere to go.
“Jim,” Spock got out, his own voice choked, “Jim, I…”
“I know,” Jim said as his fingers tapped the area of his chest that protected his heart. “Believe me Spock I know in here that you would never do anything to hurt me and that you are currently running calculations in your head trying to figure out how to get back to where we were so you can rip them part limb from limb,” he took a shaky breath, “But here,” Jim said pointing to his head. “Here doesn’t know. It’s replaying the images, the violence, the pain. It doesn’t compute that you won’t hurt me.”
“Did…” Spock was at a lost. Desperately wanting to reach out to Jim to comfort him and tell him everything was going to be okay. That his Vulcan side does not lie, and he would make sure that everything is okay with every fiber in his being. But looking at Jim, in that moment, shaking, terrified, barely able to move, he could not utter the words and promise that they would be true.
“I can’t…it’s too much,” Jim said quietly, “I don’t know if I can ever…”
“You do not have to,” Spock stated abruptly, “What happened to you on that planet Jim is your business and yours alone. We can work together to talk with Dr. McCoy and assure him that you are healthy. Once he is able to look at your smaller injuries that should give him enough evidence that you are okay without having him request further evaluation.”
“There was damage,” Jim stated, his voice firm for the first time, “There was blood.”
And this time, Spock could not restrain himself from shedding a silent tear.
“I was kidnapped, beaten,” Jim licked his blue lips and raised his bright blue eyes to Spock. They were the bluest that Spock had ever seen but they no longer held the bright light that was Captain James Tiberius Kirk.
“I was kidnapped, and beaten,” Jim said staring at Spock, “And I was raped.”
Spock felt his heart stop for a few seconds and then it sped up, pounding against his rib cage, begging to be freed from his chest. He wanted names and faces and he wanted to tear them apart with his own bare hands. He wanted to make what he did to Khan look like child’s play and he wanted to make sure that no one ever had the opportunity to hurt anyone, let alone Jim, ever again.
But Jim fell silent. And he did not seem to have any intention of moving any further. In fact, he settled further down in the bed, picking at his sweatpants, avoiding Spock’s eyes again. The quarters were eerily quiet, but he could tell from the look on Jim’s face that the same could not be said for his head.
Spock cleared his throat and spoke quietly, “I remind you that I have the hypospray from Dr. McCoy. I can administer it now so that you may have a small amount of restful sleep.”
Jim smiled softly. There was a war going on inside of Spock right now, questions racing through his head, but he always wanted to make sure that Jim was okay. And Jim was anything but.
“There is nothing in that container that will allow me any sleep tonight, Spock,” Jim said, “Dehydration, sleep deprivation, the will to live, that was the only thing that blocked out my memories. As soon as I was alone and able to examine myself and shower it all just…” he closed his eyes as the tears started again.
Spock was at a loss for words. He knew in this moment, but he wanted to do but he simply couldn’t. He wanted to wrap Jim in his arms and hold him until the tears disappeared. It was something he was not comfortable with all together but at this moment it was what he thought Jim needed, what Spock needed.
“I think it’s best that you go,” Jim said, “I’m no good to be around right now. I’m not in the head space that the Enterprise needs me to be. That you need me to be.”
Spock folded both of his hands behind his back, “I will check back in a few hours to make sure that you are sleeping adequately and see if you are able to have some substance at that time.”
“No, Spock,” Jim said shaking his head, “I can’t…I can’t get past this. What kind of Captain allows himself to be kidnapped and assaulted? To be dropped off in the middle of nowhere to die. And to have no idea as to why any of this happened!”
“I do not believe this is the time to discuss your performance as Captain of this ship. Furthermore, the Federation needs to be contacted to determine why we were sent there in the first place.”
Jim smirked, “Like the Federation is going to tell us shit.”
Spock tightened his hands behind his back. This was not going well.
“When I return in a few hours I believe that will be adequate enough time…”
Jim laughed, “God, you don’t get it. I am emotionally compromised…”
“I prefer that you do not use that term as an excuse to step aside when you are allowed time off to recuperate while you have a stand in to hold your place for you,” Spock said, his voice harsh.
Jim’s eyes softened, “I know this is difficult for you as well.”
“Captain, I will not allow you to revisit past matters that we have moved on from,” Spock said turning sideways and moving towards the door, “As stated before I will return….”
“I’m not just stepping down from Captain,” Jim said softly, “I’m stepping away from this Spock. I’m stepping away from us.”
Spock stilled, frozen in time, unable to process what he had just heard. He turned back to Jim again to make sure his ears were not as they say, ‘playing tricks on him’.
“I know that we just got started,” Jim said, “And I know that this,” he motioned at the space between them with his hand, “This is something amazing. But I can’t let you be near me let alone touch me. How is that for any type of relationship.”
“Jim, there are at least 1% of asexuals on earth that do not require…”
“I appreciate the statistics Spock but that’s not me, that’s not us,” Jim said, “We’re physical. Yeah, we’re more but we’re, we’re pretty damn good at being physical. And I can’t be that, not anymore.”
“And I have no say in this matter?” Spock asked quietly.
Jim shook his head. “I don’t want to hurt you. That is the last thing I want to do, but with the way I am right now I just…”
“Jim, your feelings are being taken into account and I cannot understand the depth of pain and trauma that you have gone through. It is because of that that I will respect your decision at this time. I will make sure to keep Dr. McCoy away until the morning however I cannot say what will occur after that time period.”
Jim gave him a sad smile, “Ever the logical one, even in the face of pain.”
Spock straightened, “As I stated, Captain, I will respect your decision at this time.” And with that he turned and strode through the door. After it shut Jim heard the press of some buttons which could only lead him to believe he was locking everyone else out.
Jim said and turned his head slightly, looking back out at the black sky. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed that Spock had left the hypospray on one of the nightstands, the nightstand on the side of the bed in which Spock had slept when he stayed the night.
Jim wanted to cry all over again, but that emotion was blocked out by the screams.
He just reminded himself to breathe.