Chapter Text
You've been dating Rafe for almost a year, and it's been filled with love, lust, and laughter. You're both happier than you've ever been but the catch is, no one knows. It had started off as a mutual agreement to keep your relationship a secret.
You're a pogue and he's a kook; neither of you wanted the drama that would come from your unlikely pairing to interfere. However, as time passed and the two of you realized you were in love, the truth remained hidden.
You've always understood, really you have. You've each got reputations, and Rafe had insisted that Ward finding out about you would threaten your safety. You trust him, so you've never questioned his motives.
Standing here now at a party, doubt begins to flood your system, the nauseating scent of weed mixed with beer doing nothing to help your anxiety as your mind reels.
Rafe is constantly getting attention from female suitors and it's never really bothered you before. So you're not sure why bile is rising in your throat as you watch a girl twirl her hair and blink up at your boyfriend.
Women don't know he's taken, and you're well aware that your boyfriend is a beautiful man. You've told him many times that he could easily be a runway model. So it's never surprised you that he has a long line of women dying to get him into bed.
What does surprise you is the fact that Rafe is entertaining it this time. You stand frozen in place as his arm wraps around the blonde woman's shoulder and his head tilts back as he laughs without a care in the world.
Usually, the two of you have an agreement not to be seen together. It's just easier that way; it eliminates any suspicion or questions. That flies out the window as your feet carry you forward on a mission, and you stop just short of the giggling duo.
Rafe notices you immediately and though he's good about keeping a poker face, you know him better than you know yourself and recognize the concern and confusion swimming in his blue eyes that you so often drown in.
"Hey, Rafe."
Your smile is tight as you stare up at him, and in the same way you can read him like a book, he immediately knows that you're upset.
"Hey."
The woman looks between the two of you with pinched eyebrows before returning her attention to your boyfriend.
"Who's this, Rafey?"
You resist the urge to rip out her extensions that probably cost more than your car and tilt your head to the side.
"Yeah, Rafey. Who am I?"
Now, Rafe knows that he's playing with fire. He can see the storm brewing in your normally bright eyes and wants nothing more than to wrap you in his arms and shout how much he loves you at the top of his lungs.
However, for the first time, you two are playing very different games, and his next move is dangerously miscalculated.
"Just a friend."
The words taste like acid as they leave his tongue, and he knows he fucked up the exact second he sees them register in your mind. Your gaze hardens into stone and the usual love and affection that your eyes hold for him are nowhere to be found.
You purse your lips and narrow your eyes so far you can barely see while giving a short nod.
"Just a friend. Right."
You know you're being unfair; the two of you have had set rules since the beginning and you just swapped the handbook on a moment's notice. However, the logical side of you doesn't think it's too much to ask for your boyfriend to, at the bare minimum, not flirt unabashedly in your face.
This woman isn't even from here, she's clearly a touron. You can't for the life of you figure out why the hell it would matter if he told her that you're his girlfriend.
Last night, he was whispering under the stars about how he wants to marry you one day and today you're just a friend. The whole dynamic suddenly feels wrong, and you're hit with a painful realization that you deserve more.
The two of you stare each other down for a moment before you turn on your heel and storm off. You only get a few feet away before Rafe's large hand encircles your wrist and pulls you to the side away from prying ears.
"Hey, what was that about?"
You look up at him in disbelief before scoffing and he scowls.
"We agreed to keep our relationship hidden. We shouldn't even be together right now."
You ignore the searing pain that his insensitive statement sends through your chest and will the tears to disappear. His features soften when he notices you're about to cry, and he raises his hand to wipe at your eyes.
Your body instinctively lurches backward as if he's holding a flame to your face, and hurt flashes across his sculpted features.
"Yeah, Rafe. Hide it, not blatantly lie about it! We certainly didn't agree to openly flirt with other people."
You curse the way your voice cracks and cross your arms over your chest as if they're a brick wall creating a barrier between the two of you.
"Y/N, you agreed-"
You cut him off with a shake of your head and take another step back.
"I know what I agreed to. I just didn't think that I'd have to keep up the ruse even after we were well established. I mean, we love each other Rafe! I want to be able to hold my boyfriend's hand and kiss him in public!"
Rafe sighs and runs a hand over his head, clearly getting frustrated with this whole situation.
"I thought what we have is enough."
He's trying to keep himself in check, but his patience is wearing thin, and a headache is brewing thanks to the impending argument.
"Well, it's not anymore. I don't care about a stupid fucking class war, I just want you. All of you. If I can't have that, then what the fuck are we doing? There's no future if you can't even be seen with me. What are you gonna do? Marry me in secret and we'll just live in separate houses?"
The angry exterior comes crashing down as the weight of your words crushes him, and he wishes he could just take all of this back.
"What are you saying?"
He's scared to ask the question and completely terrified of your answer.
"I'm saying choose. Me or your precious image."
There's a heavy tension that hangs in the air, and with each second he doesn't answer your heart breaks a little more. If the roles were reversed, you wouldn't have even hesitated and it occurs to you that maybe you love him more than he loves you.
Maybe he doesn't love you at all.
You tilt your head to stare up at the stars, suddenly feeling stupid. Of course you would never get a happy ending with Rafe. You're a pogue; you were never going to be more than that to him.
How foolish of you to let him in and allow yourself to believe he could feel something real for you. His father always said 'Play with trash and you'll get dirty.'
That's all you've ever been; a disposable fling until someone better came around. Someone deemed worthy of wearing his ring and having the name Cameron.
You focus on a single blade of grass sticking out of the ground and swallow thickly.
"Well, I guess your silence is my answer. Good enough to fuck, but never good enough to actually love."
The air is sucked out of his lungs at your statement and his world feels like it's burning all around him.
"Do you really believe that?"
His voice is so soft and tender that you almost let yourself believe love and pain are lying under the surface.
"You haven't shown me anything to prove otherwise."
He's seconds from falling to his knees to beg for forgiveness and pour his heart out when you turn and walk away without glancing back.
"Where are you going?"
Your steps don't falter for a moment and you're still just close enough for him to make out your answer.
"Back to my side. I'd rather be in the company of people who aren't ashamed at the mere thought of being associated with me."
Every fiber of Rafe's being is screaming at him to chase after you, but his feet feel like lead and he watches helplessly as you disappear out of sight.
"Fuck!"
You don't know how long you've been walking, but you're interrupted by the sound of a dirt bike. A small sliver of hope ignites that maybe it's Rafe, but is quickly extinguished when you remember you texted your best friend.
You shouldn't be surprised that he came looking for you; there's nothing he wouldn't do for you. There's a fleeting thought about the fact that JJ drove around for god knows how long to find you when Rafe couldn't even be bothered to walk after you, but it disappears as quickly as it arrived.
You're sure you look a mess with windswept hair and mascara trailing down your cheeks but you don't care. As far as you know, your relationship just ended, and you're beyond distraught.
With each step you took, you silently prayed that Rafe would appear and sweep you off your feet. But this isn't a movie, and you're not the main character who gets the guy.
JJ's heart shatters at the sight of you tucked into yourself. You look so small and frail, and he doesn't need to ask to know that something happened between you and Rafe.
He's the only one who knows; you've never kept a secret from him and truthfully you needed someone to go to about your relationship.
He shrugs off his jacket and carefully places it on you before zipping it up. No words are exchanged; they're not needed. The two of you have always been kindred spirits, understanding each other even when you don't understand yourselves.
"Let's get you home, you're trembling."
He hands you his helmet and you climb on the back of his bike silently, wrapping your arms around his torso tightly. Your head lays on his back in between his shoulder blades and he takes off, speeding through the dark streets toward the only place other than Rafe's arms you've ever truly felt like you belong.
He pulls up to John B's house and you trek inside to clean up while he rejoins the group in the hot tub. He's always given you space and you're grateful. The last thing you need right now is an interrogation and he knows that.
Your reflection stares back at you in the mirror and you sigh at your splotchy cheeks and puffy eyes. You wash your face with cold water and change into something comfier, raiding JJ's drawer in the guest room for a pair of his sweatpants and an old t-shirt.
You briefly consider just crawling into bed and sobbing, but decide that you won't let the rest of your night be ruined. It's been a while since you've gotten to hang out with your closest friends, and you know JJ will have you smiling and laughing by the end of the night.
Your best friend's face lights up when you reappear and he beckons you with a bright smile. They've moved away from the hot tub, now slotted around a large bonfire.
You return his grin the best you can and shuffle toward him, taking a seat by his side. His arm wraps around your back and he pulls you into him before pressing a chaste kiss to the top of your head.
You snuggle in closer, letting his bare chest warm you up as the aroma of his woodsy cologne mixed with scorched wood fills your nose. It feels so safe, and you relax into the familiar sensation.
Everyone is laughing loudly and passing around a joint as you stare into the flames. You're entranced by the way sparks fly and smoke billows as the fire dances in front of you. It's comforting and you lose yourself in your thoughts as you watch the embers float away.
JJ notices your blank stare as you focus on the way the fire turns from blue to orange to yellow and he gives you a small nudge.
"Earth to Y/N. You with me?"
There's a teasing lilt to his voice thinly disguising his worry and you smile up at him.
"Yeah, I'm with you J."
His hand squeezes your waist and he lowers his voice so that only you can hear him.
"I can see the gears turning in that pretty head of yours. Wanna talk about it?"
Your head shakes from side to side as you finally take the lit joint and inhale deeply before handing it back to him.
"No, I just want to have fun and not think for a while."
His dimples pop out as he grins down at you and he laughs.
"Well, you're in luck. Making you laugh and not thinking are my two specialties."
He stays true to his word, and within the hour you're riding a light buzz and laughing so hard your stomach hurts. Any thought of your fight with Rafe is miles away and joy swells in JJ's chest as he looks at your bloodshot eyes that are leaking tears of laughter instead of sorrow.
You're all so caught up in the moment that you don't even hear the roaring engine of Rafe's bike. He's spent the last two and a half hours in agony, pacing around his room with relentless tears and a runny nose.
He wanted to run after you and track you down, but he also didn't want to make it worse. He figured it was best to give you space, and he waited as long as he could before he couldn't bear it anymore.
He checked your location to confirm his suspicions and set off to get his girl. The two of you always had your location on, something that was done as a safety measure. You had completely forgotten about it, and silently kick yourself for not just turning your phone off.
"What are you doing?"
Everybody stiffens when his voice cuts through the conversation and you turn slowly to look at him, still in JJ's arms. You don't miss the way his hold tightens or the way his muscles flex and subconsciously lean further into him.
Everyone else is genuinely confused, lost as to why the oldest Cameron could possibly be standing in front of them right now.
Your eyes meet Rafe's and your stomach lurches at the mixture of anger and betrayal in his ocean-colored irises. You don't answer, the haze still fogging your reaction time, and he repeats his question with a little more urgency.
"Y/N, what are you doing?"
Your brain seems to kick into gear and rage overtakes your senses.
"Just friend things." You bite, and Rafe physically recoils as you throw his own term back in his face.
You both know the implication behind your words and while you know that nothing is going on between you and the blonde surfer, Rafe doesn't. You expect your boyfriend - or maybe ex-boyfriend, you suppose- to flip shit, but instead, he just looks anguished.
You take in his appearance and your heart squeezes when you see he looks even worse off than you are. His eyes are red and swollen, there are dried tears on his face and neck, and if he still had his long hair you're sure it would be a disheveled mess from constantly running his hands through it.
By the grace of god, no one says anything even though you know they have a million questions and you internally battle yourself. You want to jump into Rafe's arms and apologize, but then again, what the hell do you have to apologize for?
He takes a tentative step forward and you squeeze JJ's knee when he shifts to stand. Rafe's eyes dart down at the movement and his gaze slowly lifts back up to meet yours. He's silently pleading with you, and against your better judgment, you cock your head to tell him you'll talk off to the side.
He follows you to a tree that's just out of listening range and you turn to look at him. He feels sick as he takes in your appearance. Your hair is in a bun and he can tell by your glossed-over eyes that you're high. What really catches his attention though is the fact that JJ's clothes are swallowing your frame whole.
He didn't realize how much he hates the image of you in another man's clothes, and he can't stomach the idea that this will be his reality if he can't change your mind.
He only ever wants you to wear his t-shirts, and though he's always given you shit over the fact that you've stolen every hoodie he's ever let you wear, he's now more than willing to give you his entire closet if it means he never has to feel this way again.
All he's been able to think about is you being alone and broken since you walked off. It hadn't even occurred to him that you weren't alone and that if you ended things you have people to come back to. You're all he has.
It didn't cross his mind that you would move on, and he'd have to watch you love someone else from afar. The idea drives him insane, and he's willing to go to the ends of the earth to prevent it from becoming reality.
If you told him right now to strip down and do a jig in front of the entire population of OBX, he would if it meant he doesn't have to spend the rest of his life mourning the one that got away.
You stare up at him defiantly as he squirms, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck as he tries to think of what to say.
"You and JJ…"
His question tapers off and you let it hang in the air and choke him for a second before answering.
"Nothing happened, I just said that to hurt you. Did it work? Thinking that I could have something with someone else?"
Rafe forgot how cold you can be when you've been scorned, the ice in your voice penetrating his veins and freezing his blood solid.
"Yes. Remarkably well."
Your eyes rake over his figure with scrutiny and you resist the urge to crumble under his spell.
"Good."
It's harsh, cruel even, but apparently he needs to be reminded that you know your worth and could easily find a replacement. It's a lie you tell yourself; you know that no one could ever replace Rafe, not really. Your soul is intricately entwined with his in ways you didn't know was possible.
He gives a curt nod and drops his eyes to the ground, unable to take the heartless glare you're giving him.
It's a sight to see; big bad Rafe Cameron insecure and floundering. It's a side of him that only you're able to bring out. He finally met his match; the one person out of eight billion that can bring him to his knees without a single word.
"I'm sorry."
He sounds like a scared little boy, and against your will, your heart sinks.
"For?"
An apology isn't enough; you need to know that he's aware of what he's apologizing for. You need to hear the words and acknowledgment leave his mouth.
"For flirting with that girl, and for making you feel like you're not worthy. Like you're not important to me and that I'm ashamed of you. Of us. I hate myself for making you think I don't love you."
You let the words sink in for a moment and shift on your feet, debating your next words.
"You have my heart in the palm of your hands, Rafe. I just never thought you'd intentionally crush it."
He loathes how small and meek your voice is, completely consumed by heartache. He'd take you raging and screaming at him over crying because of him any day.
"I know. I'm a fucking idiot, and it seems like no matter what choice I make it's always the wrong one. I need you to know that I'm trying. I'm trying to be better for you. You're it for me, Y/N. I'll do anything to make you see that, to feel that. Please, tell me you know that."
A single tear slips down your face and you turn your head to look out at the waves.
"I know."
Your voice is barely above a whisper, and more salty tears stain your cheeks when Rafe's hand reaches out to cup your chin and turn your head to look at him.
"Please, I promise that we can go public. I'll scream it from the rooftops, I don't care. Whatever you need, I'll do it. Nothing and no one is more important than you. You're part of me, and I think if I lost you I'd lose myself too."
In seconds, the wall that went up around your battered heart comes crashing down and you step forward into his arms. He engulfs you immediately, holding you with such force you're not sure how you can breathe.
You register wetness on your hair and lock your arms around his neck. Your hands play with the short hair at the nape of his neck and he cries even harder.
Despite what he's put you through, you're still willing to comfort him and he doesn't understand why. Your love for him is so pure and all-consuming, he's sure he isn't worthy.
The pogues watch intently, shocked by the sobs wracking the man's body. They've never seen Rafe show any emotion other than anger, and despite their initial disgust when he showed up, they figure you must be something special to elicit such raw vulnerability from the kook king.
"I don't deserve you. It was never you that's not good enough. It's me."
You only squeeze him tighter, pain squeezing your chest at his genuine despair.
"That's not true, Rafe. You're an idiot sometimes, but you're human. You're allowed to make mistakes, you just have to own up to them and rectify the situation."
He whimpers at your reassurance, the sentiment foreign to him. His entire life he's been held to a standard of perfection. He isn't used to getting a second chance, he barely gets a first.
"Don't ever do some dumb shit like this again, Rafe."
Your watery voice is muffled by his broad shoulder and he nods his head in the crook of your neck. The way he practically has to fold in half to place his face against your shoulder would almost be funny if it wasn't such a heartfelt moment.
Sarah snaps a picture of the tender affection and smiles at her phone, just happy to finally see her brother act like a human being.
"I promise, baby. I never want to be the cause of your tears and pain again. It hurts me."
The two of you stay like that for a few minutes before you tell the Pogues you're heading out.
"Are you okay?"
JJ is staring daggers at your boyfriend as he asks and you give him a tight hug.
"I'm good, JJ. Pinky promise."
He nods and lowers his lips to your ear.
"Call me if you need anything."
You press a kiss to his cheek and smile before nodding.
"Always."
You and Rafe make your exit, and for the first time, he takes you to Tannyhill to spend the night. Usually, the two of you crash at one of the unused estates, hidden away from the public.
Luckily, Ward and Rose are away for the weekend so you have time to come up with a game plan and mentally prepare for the nuclear fallout.
You're just settling into Rafe's bed wearing one of his Lacrosse hoodies from the academy when your phone dings. You frown at the Instagram notification and click it, your mouth dropping open when you see the post you were tagged in.
It's the picture Sarah took and sent to Rafe, along with a few more of the two of you at the beach and kissing.
Your pulse thrums in your ears as you see the likes growing and read the caption.
My entire heart
Rafe emerges from the bathroom as if he didn't just make the most shocking announcement Figure Eight has ever heard, and you stare at him dumbfounded.
"That was fast."
He laughs and shuts his phone off as it starts to explode with texts and crawls into bed.
"I'm not spending another second without the entire world knowing you're my girl."